We Plan, God Laughs

Bobbing along...

2012-01-24T06:48:00.000-08:00

Jedi loves to take baths. I also love to take baths, but I haven't taken a bath in many years due to the miniscule size of our bathtub. (Rest assured, I shower.)

Jedi tells me he's going to get in the tub. I nod, sort of absentmindedly, as I continue reading on my ipad.

About 10 minutes later I hear this coming from the bathroom:

I take a peak in the bathroom, and he's just singing and splashing around happily.

He cracks me up. He makes me happy.

Ask and ye shall recieve

2012-01-09T14:40:00.000-08:00

Late one night, Jedi and I were talking and he was telling me in a round-about way that he felt I wasn't demonstrative enough with affection.

"You need to be more direct," I told him. "Just tell me what you want."

He paused for a moment.

"Get over here and spoon me, bitch!"

(I still crack up every time I think about it.)

One line a day

2012-01-09T10:44:00.000-08:00

I've never been one much for journaling. This blog, after all, started out as a place to tell funny stories about terrible dating adventures, and I was a pretty consistent writer when I had those stories to tell. Now it's all either -angst-what-to-do-with-my-life crap or lovey-dovey crap, that is not very entertaining to read.

A week or so ago I bought an interesting journal that is a five-year, one-line-a-day journal. I can do that, I thought. I can write one line a day. And so I have! Yippee. (Talk to me again in 5 years!)

And so, I was thinking to myself, maybe I should re purpose this blog too. Instead of treating it as a journal, I'll regale you with amusing (or, at least, amusing to ME) anecdotes about my life with Jedi.

Funny (to me) tales forthcoming...

Limbo isn't just a party game

2012-01-04T09:05:00.000-08:00

So, part of the reason I haven't been posting lately is because I feel like I need to figure out what I'm going to do with my life. I've been thinking about that this month a lot because I deferred grad school to the summer. Mostly what I deferred was the decision about whether or not to go to grad school.

Do I WANT an Ed.D? Meh. Not really. Am I interested in it? Not at all.

That would seem to be the answer, right? Except well...

Is an Ed.D (and specifically this program) the most logical choice for a next step? Yes. Is it the easiest next step? Yes. Is it the most cost-effective, least life-disrupting step? Yes.

I've been told I'm ambitious, which I actually find rather funny. My ambitions, such as they are, actually are modest. All I want is a job that makes enough to support me and Jedi and also offers life flexibility so that I can have kids and spend time with them, while still also enjoying my work. So, the holy grail of jobs. ha! The Ed.D. is just a means to an end which would allow me to take a job in a higher paying bracket, but also potentially just work part time but keep earning what I currently earn. That's my dream.

The campus flag was flown at half mast today for a professor who died. I read a little bit about him-- and I couldn't help but think as I read all about his wonderful accomplishments, "Well, he's still dead." Yup. And so will we all be someday. All his great deeds and research and accolades couldn't stop death. I don't know anything about him. I hope he did what he loved in life, which is a worthy goal.

But to achieve for the sake of impressing others? To hold a high position to be able to... what?... have a corner office? Have lots of underlings who tremble when I pass by? No thanks. And I think that's why some people think I am contemplating going back to school, but it couldn't be further from the truth. I want the degree because hopefully it will give me more flexibility to be able to spend time on things I really care about.

I keep thinking about having kids. I keep thinking about the end of my life. When I die which would I regret most? Not having kids? Or not having a doctorate? It's not even a close race.

And so, I keep thinking, "Well, maybe we should have kids now!" We have grown-up jobs, insurance, family support in town... They say there's no good time to have kids, but this doesn't seem like a terrible one. I keep reading articles about decreasing fertility in one's 30s and I hear that clock ticking. So, I think to myself, maybe we should just go for it!

And then I remember we have hardly any money. Which is why I want an Ed.D. To be able to support a family and let Jedi be a stay at home (work part time) dad. But if I go for the Ed.D and then I'm not able to have kids in the future due to my age... (or whatever)... would I regret it terribly? Yes I would. But it's possible we can't have kids now! Anything's possible... maybe we'd try for a couple years with no luck... during which time I could have earned my Ed.D.

(There's always the - Have a kid AND do the Ed.D at the same time! Which seems like the worst of both worlds, definitely!)

Well, anyway, these are the thoughts that keep going around and around and around in my head at the moment. I keep weighing pros and cons and can't seem to come out in favor of one or the other. Jedi is completely onboard in either case, so he's not much help in the decision making process.

Logic seems to dictate going ahead and doing the Ed.D and THEN having kids when we're not struggling financially. Which makes sense...

... and then I watch Teen Mom and think, "Fuck it! If those idiots can do it, surely I can too!" (Not the soundest reasoning, I'll grant you that.

All that to say that I feel like I"m in limbo. I'm just waiting for a sign, something which will push me in one direction or the other. I'm just gonna keep on waiting for right now...

Argh

2011-12-05T15:49:00.000-08:00

Tried writing a new post on the iPad. Never a good idea. Let me just say, today I hate pointless bitchy work drama. More forthcoming if I manage to salvage my post tomorrow.

I'm more brilliant in my head

2011-10-11T13:28:00.000-07:00

Hey my semi-faithful readers! Did you know that I compose posts in my head at night before I fall asleep? Approximately 0% of those posts actually get written, but I assure you-- they're brilliant! And insightful! And witty!

Tragically for you, you are stuck with the daytime-me who can barely pull a comb through my hair. It's amazing, you should ask Jedi-- I'm actually super-productive starting at about 10:30pm... but the rest of the day, forget it.

So, all that to say that I had a wonderful post all planned out about how I wanted to put my life more into balance. Ah! Balance! Or, should I say, "Ooooommmmm" {picture lotus pose here}

Except, I might be inviting more un-balance (ok, I know that's not a word!) into my life. Because....

..... I just got accepted into "Regional" University to pursue an Ed.D in Higher Ed Administration.

Yippee! Right? (I know you can't see me, but picture Debbie Downer saying, "Yippee" and you've got the picture.)

I mean, yes, this is a good thing. I wouldn't have applied if I hadn't wanted to go. I evaluated my options and this is really the best program for me out there. This one allows me to keep my full time job (a good thing in this economy), take courses over the internet & the equivalent of 1 weekend/month & a few weeks in the summer. It's relatively quick-- 2 years for the coursework, 1 year for the dissertation. It's very reasonable, comparatively speaking-- $23,000 for the entire program.

So. All good things. All things that say, "DO THIS." And I know I will probably do this. Doing this means that I can apply for jobs that pay more money, which is a mostly good thing -(mo' money, mo' problems though... in the management side, I mean. So, I'm actually kind of ambivalent about that.) Doing this means I have more options for the future, so yeah, I should do this.

But. *sigh* on the other hand... balance. I already feel like I've taken on too much between the two-ish jobs I'm doing, the additional (unpaid! yippee) work I've been asked to take on, the church stuff I keep getting voluntold to do, the community work I do, and the after-hours student programs I do. It wouldn't be a lot for most people, probably (Just do all that and toss a couple kids in the mix, I know...) but I just feel like I need time for reflection.

And, also, I keep thinking-- is this what I want to be when I grow up? I mean, is it? It's kind of late to change now, practically speaking. And I like what I do, really, honestly, I'm very lucky to do what I do. But who, on their deathbed, has ever said, "Gee, I'm so glad I was a mid-level college administrator all my life!" (Not that I want to be a high-level college administrator; that just leads to lots of headaches.) It's just that I want my life to be about more than that, and right now it's not.

I keep going back to the idea of writing. But, you know, I've had time to write. Lots of time. And I haven't done it. (And, honestly, I may not even be particularly good at it, but that's ok-- I'm not trying to write a magnum opus or anything.) But I keep having this dream. And I'm paralyzed by fear and indecision.

But I think I've come to a semi-decision. I have three weeks to accept the offer of admission, in which case I would start in January. Or, I could defer my start date until the spring. So, I think that what I will do is devote some serious time in these next 3 weeks to writing. If it goes well, if I make progress, if I feel like I can keep going... then I'll defer until the spring. That's a good compromise for now, right? Right.

Now how to find time to go the the gym? Hmmm... maybe we'll stick with only one major life change at a time, eh?

My brain is full

2011-10-03T12:58:00.000-07:00

This, I think, is only one aspect of my general inability to commit to any one task or activity (as mentioned below.)

The real problem though is that my brain is full of useless shit. My brain can't turn itself off and so I think about this useless shit, all the time. I think about trivial pop culture stuff, like how I used to root for Theresa but it's become increasingly clear that she's the drama-causing nut job. Or how Jessica Simpson might or might not be pregnant or how she might or might not just be a little fat (or both) and really, whose business is it anyway if it's either or none of those things? I also worry a lot about things I can't do anything about. I worry about stories I read about girls in Pakistan being "honor" killed because they were gang raped ... (I worry a lot about this, and other similar stories. I keep thinking, like Peter Parker, I've been given a great deal in life, and so a great deal will be required of me. But really? What is a tangible thing I can do? I support charities like Women for Women International and local DV/SA organizations, but what else?) I worry about the environment and I worry if I put my plastic bottle in the wrong bin. I worry about the recession (double dip!) and whether or not I"ll have a job in a year. I worry about our condo and that I'll never be able to sell it. I worry we're going to live in 600 sq ft forever, and if we eventually have kids I worry we won't be able to afford them.

These are mostly minor worries (in my first world existence) I know. I also know that (most) of these things will find some kind of a resolution without my help. That's not actually the point I'm trying to get at (though I do think the free-floating anxiety contributes to my chronic depression.) What I'm really trying to get at is the sensory overload that comes from being constantly connected-- via computer, ipad, tv, phone... etc-- means I have lost any kind of ability to focus. For example, I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE to read... but how often have I actually sat down to read a full-length book this year? Twice! (And both times on my kindle app!)

All this to say that I am thinking of unplugging for the month of November. (Or maybe I should start mid-Oct? Hell! Why not today!?) The reason I'm thinking this is for nanowrimo. I mean, yeah getting a go on that writing project I mentioned ... oh, a year and some months ago... would probably be good. But mostly because I am frittering away my energy and attention on useless things... like hitting the refresh button on facebook a million times. And for what? To find myself getting more anxious and getting less done.

Now, I know this is easier said than done-- after all, there are some studies (too lazy to look them up here) showing that there are some very true addictions to electronic devices and sites like facebook... Facebook and email, like slot machines, work on the same pavlovian concepts that make dogs drool at the sound of a bell. Unhooking from them is easier said than done, but I do feel like I should make a real (as opposed to half-assed) effort.

The question is... on what level do I disconnect? No non-work related internet? (Other than blogging about it????) No internet shopping? NO FACEBOOK. No browsing on phone. I think I can do that. I'm hesitant to say no TV, only because the truth is that I don't often watch TV... I mostly just have it on. But, then again, that in itself is a problem. On the other hand, I've always done my writing with the TV on in the background, so If I"m planning on writing then maybe I should leave that out of the equation. On the other hand, maybe I'm just looking for a justification to keep the Real Housewives? Hmmm... what say you? And, will I do this alone?

Things I used to like

2011-09-29T19:15:00.000-07:00

(written on iPad. Forgive typos!)

I have realized that I have a massive list of things I USED to like. In fact, they aree still things I like in theory, and if asked about my hobbies or things that I'm interested I would probably list any of these things... When the awful truth is that I havent done/actively participated/or read any of these things in more time than I caree to admit.

I can't say it's because of Jedi either, as you might think. I know some people lose interest in stuff when they get into a relationship, but that wasn't the case for me. I would say That I haven't had any interet in these things since about 2007 I know, it's weird that I can pinpoint it like that, right? All that happened in 2007 is that I bought my condo, started a new job, and shortly after started a grad program. I'd been blaming my lack of interest in things on the time the grad program took me, but it's now been a year and a half since I finished and still.... Nada.

So, in no particular order, things I used to like:

- mystery novels
- Egyptology
-romance novels
- films that weren't chick flicks or Harry potter
- painting
- sculpting
- creative writing
- scrapbooking
- yoga
- swimming
- day trips to kitschy tourist attractions
- sewing
- theater... Attending, performing, set crew... Nada
- cooking/baking
- cake decorating
- book club
- writing critique group (hard when you have nothing written)
- photography club

Damn! When did I become so boring?! I don't even have kids!(kidding! Mostly...)

I don't know where my zest for life has gone. I'm actually less depressed than I was during the periods of my life I was doing these activities.

... I think there's more, but I can't think of it now.
-

Pictures

2011-09-29T07:09:00.000-07:00

As promised, here are a few wedding pictures...

Reception site (decorated by parents! Only cost $375! Who says you can't have a nice wedding on a budget!)

Wedding hair!

Jedi's Favorite Picture

My Blind Husband

2011-09-29T06:55:00.000-07:00

My husband is blind, I think. That's the only explanation that I can come up with. I may have mentioned that I am of the-- um-- rotund -type body shape. I wear a size 22... (not something I'm thrilled with, but I've learned to work it, I think.)

My darling Jedi (Who wants to go as Anakin Skywalker for Halloween, naturally) would like me to go as Padme Amidala and wear THIS as my Halloween costume:

Bwahahaha!

Ahem.

Bwahahaha!

Ok, so, it's adorable that he thinks I can wear that, right? I mean, I love that he thinks I'm totally hot. However, I'm also pretty sure that this proves he is blind.

Bwahahaha!

Where do we go from here?

2011-09-12T11:30:00.000-07:00

When I started this blog a part of me thought I'd be single forever. Or, at least, if I wasn't single then I certainly wouldn't marry in any case.

Well, we know how that went. Hmmm. I'm still not quite sure how that happened. It's kinda fun having a blog detailing it, so that at least I can jog my memory once in awhile. I'm not shutting down the blog, but I am wondering where I go from here. No, not in the white house, picket fence, 2.5 kids kinda way... (Though I wouldn't mind the house & fence, I certainly hope the kid (singular!) is a good 3 years away.) But, mostly, I feel my life isn't very interesting. And I'm actually ok with that. I like that! It's comforting to have routine and that the most exciting part of my day is when I had lunch on the Terrace @ the local inn.

I sometimes feel guilty for un-cluttering my life. (Though I am incapable of uncluttering my house... grrr.) I'm not taking classes anymore, I've stopped babysitting/nannying for the most part, I don't really make plans with anyone other than close friends, I keep getting asked to be on various volunteer committees... I've limited my volunteer work to 2 orgs which equals about 4-5 days per month.

I know people with kids who do a lot more volunteer work. Who manage to see friends every night. Who host parties and benefits and go to the gym regularly.

Me? I'd rather have time to read a book. Watch the Real Housewives. Do NOTHING.

I feel kind of guilty about that. Society makes me feel guilty. After all, I don't have kids, what else do I have to be doing with my time, right? Couldn't I take on a few more things? And the tempting thing is that these are things I want to take on. I want to work on community theater. I'd like to help with the food drive or the sustainable yard sale. I want to be a "big sister" and work on the elementary school literacy project... I DO! I just don't want to do any of those things more than I want to have time to go for a walk or have a free weekend to take an impromptu road trip.

According to society, that makes me selfish. Society can go fuck itself. Why is it always women who are being asked to sacrifice their sense of self and sanity for the good of others. I can tell you that none of the (grown) men I know feel this kind of conflict. (Interestingly , I do see it more in the students. However, working for Goldman Sachs seems to squash it right out of them.)

Jedi's cousin was talking about going on a trip and leaving her baby home with his grandmother overnight. The baby was born in May. From the horrified looks she got you would have thought she had said she was going to be leaving the baby home alone with a beer and a pizza and he could fend for himself. Somehow though that's what society expects.

Well, I'm not to that point yet, but I think it's good to start the precedent, don't you? No, I will not cook something for the bakesale, and NO I will not bring the treats for the meeting, and NO I will not collect signatures for that petition, and NO I will not help plan that benefit, and NO I will not go to the gym (ok, that one is more laziness than anything else...), and NO I will not reconsider, NO, not even just this once.

I do my part, but that doesn't mean I have to do everything. NO. NO. NO.

Hey! Guess what!?

2011-08-23T11:29:00.000-07:00

I got married! Woo hoo!

I feel like I should write a long post about it. Perhaps I will (probably inevitable!) but not now. Right now I'm still recovering. Planning a wedding takes a lot out of you, did you know that? Two nights before the wedding I sobbed for 3 hours straight. Not because I was sad, or didn't want to get married... no, I just sobbed because I was emotionally exhausted and drained and just needed to purge all of those emotions.

The wedding was beautiful, Jedi was handsome, the weather was gorgeous, and the parents didn't make (too much) of a scene. All in all, a success. (Well, other than the fact that we didn't get to eat but 2 bites of the terribly expensive food... and that now we are so broke that when we went grocery shopping last night we realized all we could afford for the next 2 weeks is Ramen noodles and toast... (Yes, we have wedding gift money, but I'm not spending that on FOOD!)

Pictures hopefully forthcoming once I get some back from the photographer!

It rains, it pours

2011-08-02T11:32:00.000-07:00

So, in order of occurrence of not-so-awesome things:

(Previously, as seen on "I Know Why You're Single...)

Grandfather diagnosed with terminal cancer
Bedroom closet collapsing (under the weight of my enormous wardrobe)

(Now, let us catch up with our heroine for the latest thrilling installment!)

Newly fixed closet drenched in a deluge caused by our upstairs neighbor's water heater malfunctioning.
Clothes destroyed
Discovering that totally weird rancid smell that I couldn't place was coming from the closet carpet that never completely dried
Realizing we'll probably have to replace the carpet and drywall
Upstairs neighbor refusing to cover the damages or contact her homeowner's policy since it's obviously our fault for not properly (whatever the fuck that is) cleaning up the water damage when it first occurred
My (great) grandmother who had 2 strokes in March going back into the hospital for emergency surgery
Her kidneys no longer functioning after the surgery
My grandfather no longer able to get in and out of the bathroom alone
My grandmother tellling me she can't come to the wedding because of my grandfather's illness... (Which, I get... but I'm closer to my grandmother than I am to my mother, so this is a huge blow)
$1400 dental bill
Jedi's transmission giving out... (Which led to a super fun moment in the pouring rain on a back country road with no cell service and no one stopping for help and walking to a B&B only to have them tell us we couldn't use their phone)
Two flat tires on my car. Now need to replace all 4 tires.
Not being able to find students to work at my wedding (doing decor & moving furniture)... that's a pain- usually they are always looking for random work.
My mom causing her usual drama (e.g. I don't want your stepmother at the wedding! I only want our "real" family there...)
and... My great- grandmother passing away today

And what is our heroine doing today to deal with all of this? Well, right now I'm sitting on the floor of my office, crying, and stuffing my face with sticky buns and brownies. That's right. I feed my emotions. Oh! I forgot to add "Gained 20lbs since I bought my wedding dress" to that list of awesome events.

One of my colleagues (from Jordan, I believe) said it's considered good luck in middle eastern cultures to have bad luck before your wedding. With this kind of bad luck I think it's only fair that you should expect to hear of me winning the Powerball on my wedding day.

Name Change

2011-07-22T11:31:00.000-07:00

I'm not taking Jedi's last name. Either because of my feminist convictions... or because I'm too damn lazy to do the paper work. You'll just never know...

All over the place

2011-07-20T14:42:00.000-07:00

My emotions have been all over the place this week. Poor Jedi. He tries so hard to be patient and understanding.

Sometimes his patience and understanding make me want to scream at him. Sometimes I just want to have a fight, you know that feeling? Like, you're angry at the world for no particular reason and you need to take it out on whoever happens to be close by.

I don't take my anger out on Jedi. But sometimes I still want to.

Jedi doesn't really ever fight. He's usually very even-keeled. Other than general cheerfulness pretty much the only other emotion he exhibits is pouting. (Is that an emotion? or behaviour? We'll just go with it.) Mostly he pouts when he really, really, really wants something (like, yesterday, a Kindle) and something (like, money) stands in his way. At that point, nothing will make him happy again other than getting his hands on the object of his desire. Yes, sometimes I think I'm marrying a 5 year old. (But hey, I have my own 5 year old tendency to throw tantrums, so we'll overlook it.)

Anyway, all this to say that my emotions are all over the place at the moment. The most annoying thing is that I can't figure out whether my emotions are real or hormone induced-- (Which, I hate to say, but it's true. I become very ornery right before my period.)

Usually when it's hormone induced I KNOW that's what it is so I'm able to take a step back and regroup and be calm(er). However, I'm pretty sure that the last pack of birth control I took had something wrong with it. I get it in packs of 3 months worth and usually skip my period. The past 2 month my BC has ... i don't know... konked out early, and I've gotten my period when I'm not supposed to. (On the plus side that means I'm not pregnant. On the minus side-> birthcontrol not working like it's supposed to = scary!) I only realized when I got my period that it was probably THAT reason-- the hormones not working-- That had given me killer migraines and horrible can't-get-out-of-bed depression the week before.

Grrr. and *sigh.*

It would have been helpful to realize the depression was caused by the hormones and NOT because my life is worthless and horrible and the only course of action is obviously/logically to jump off a bridge.

So, there's that.

But, there is also lots of stuff that IS causing me stress and sadness and depression...

Like, my grandfather's failing health and cancer fight. My gandmother (who had a stroke in March) going back into the hospital for emergency surgery yesterday to remove another blood clot. My dad's house being foreclosed on. My dad's diabetes getting worse, and he doesn't have insurance.

And then the petty stuff...

Wedding flowers are costing $450. WHAT THE FUCK is that about!? And we're doing CARNATIONS! The ugliest flower ever! And we're arranging them OURSELVES!!! Why does it cost so much?! So, now I don't know if we should just skip flowers all together. And it's stressing me to think about it.

I can't find wedding shoes. I've tried every shoestore in the tristate area. I've spent over $1000 ordering shoes from Zappos and Bluefly and whatever else. (No worries. Getting money back when I return them.) NOTHING fits. NOTHING is the right color/heel height/style. Everything that would work is either out of stock and on a 15 week backorder (NO JOKE.) or only comes in sizes 5-8. This does not help my BIG FAT FEET. Apparently I'm looking for the holy grail of wedding shoes... Ivory, less than 1inch heel, size 10.5... and, oh, yeah. STYLISH. That last one seems to be the big problem.

Gifts for people who have helped with the wedding. I actually got some really great gifts for cheap at a going out of business sale... but I found out that to customize them it will be $160. Which, still brings the gifts to $9 each... but... that's about $140 more than I had budgeted.

People who haven't RSVP'd. Seriously!? don't even get me started on this.

... and on and on...with stupid wedding details... that are NOT important, but that still need to be thought about/taken care of. *sigh*

I know I brought this on myself, but I'm just lacking the will or energy or anything to care about what happens to the wedding stuff... and at the same time I can't stop being anxious about it.

On the (small) plus side, I decided to take a leap of faith 2 days ago. I have an artistic project cooking that is making me feel hopeful... so, well, hopefully that project will have wings. If it does, I will be sure to share it with you.

No Good Deed Goes Unpunished

2011-07-14T13:27:00.000-07:00

Some days I love the work that I do. Other days I think, this is NOT worth the mental energy it takes to fight off ignorant and willfully inflammatory remarks. Oh, did I mention I work in a women's center? Yes, I think the education we do is valuable, yes, I'm fighting the good fight, yes, I want to make the world a safer and more equitable place for ALL people. (Contrary to popular belief, Feminisim does not mean stepping on men to get to the top. Really.) But, well, remarks from people like that are to be expected, and it's part of our continuing outreach.

Sometimes though, the people I work with, who are supposed to be allies in this fight, are so fucking pedantic and self-righteous I think it would just be easier to give up and become a Michelle Bachmann acolyte.

What am I angry about today? Well, I was contacted by a community member who wanted resources on reaching out to a recent immigrant family that was planning on "circumcising" (aka- Female Genital Mutilation) their young daughter. The community member worried that she, as a white person, would come across as imperialistic or colonialist and imposing her view when discussing this with them. She didn't want the message about the extreme health risks to be lost just because she was the messenger. Thoughtful, yes?

In reaching out to my list of contacts I stated that I was looking for someone who was themselves an immigrant member of that ethnic group or an American of that descent... who was also knowledgeable about FGM.

Apparently that last bit was terribly difficult to comprehend as I got back a snarky email telling me how offensive it was that I was asking for someone who was an American descendant of that ethnic group to talk to the family. I was told that it was compared to asking a German American to explain Naziism. (Really? Isn't that a prime example of Godwin's law? But I digress.)

I wrote back, politely, explaining that I wasn't just looking for ANY RANDOM PERSON of XYZ descent, but one who knew about FGM.

*SIGH*

It just annoys me. I feel like it's people like that who drive away fledgling allies to progressive causes. (e.g. "Oh, you're supportive of transsexual rights? Really? Because calling them transsexual is HORRIBLY offensive, you bigot. Why don't you go back to watching FoxNews."... I wish I could say that was an exaggeration, but that is actually the condensed version of a conversation I overheard not long ago.)

It just makes me want to give up all together. You're damned if you do, and damned if you don't, right?

It reminds me of a fundraiser I organized for cancer research when I was in high school. It was in honor of two classmates, both of whom died of cancer, but only one of the classmates was a friend of mine. I BEGGED the friends of the other classmate to help me organize the fundraiser, but none of them wanted to put in the time. After the fundraiser I sure got a lot of hell though! I got hell because people didn't like the type of fundraiser it was, (a dance. Too joyous apparently, given that they had both died.), the music played, (the other classmate didn't like that artist, didn't I know that?), the specific charity money was given to (the other classmate didn't die of that TYPE of cancer, didn't I know that?)... etc, etc, etc. In fact, I never got more criticism-- from people who refused to help or give input-- than when I put on that fundraiser.

Flash forward to the present day. Sure, I now give money to causes, but I haven't volunteered to help run a charity event since. No wonder, right? Who would after that previous experience.

Today's little exchange just makes me want to throw in the towel on doing diversity/gender education. WTF is the point when even the people who are supposed to be on your team only criticize instead of help?

I fucking hate everyone today.

Cake!

2011-07-07T07:43:00.000-07:00

*(or should we go with Han Solo/Princess Leia Bride & Groom?)

*Edited to Add:
When I asked Jedi the question above, he answered by saying:

"No, I don't think of myself as Han Solo. I think of myself as Corran Horn and you as Mirax Terrik Horn But, because they are from the Extended Universe of Star Wars, people will not know who they are."

OMIGAWED. I am marrying such a geek! But I love him!

Mini Pity Party

2011-07-06T13:33:00.000-07:00

This is a super mini pity party.

The dates got mixed up for my last dress fitting so my future MIL can't come with me. My stepmom can't come with me. Npapaya can't come with me...

Which leaves me with no one to help me get into my dress for the fitting (cause the seamstress wont' do it for some reason.)

Now, I know that everyone has good excuses... but I feel like I don't have a single friend. Whaaa! (I do have other friends around here, but none that would be appropriate to ask. It's a small wedding... so I'm not going to ask a friend I haven't invited to the wedding to help me try on the dress, yanno? I feel like that would be weird.)

The last person available is ... gulp... Jedi. And he can't see the dress before the wedding!

I'm going to have a little pity party... because if I can't find anyone else I have to ask my-- gulp-- stepsister. And that's not a good idea unless I want my dress to smell of booze, dogs, and cigarettes... (and other "mystery" odors.)

Pet Peeve

2011-06-29T07:20:00.001-07:00

What's with telemarketers these days calling up and then when you answer they ask YOU to "Please Hold"?

F that. Yeah, I don't think so.

CLICK.

Stress Dreams

2011-06-29T07:04:00.000-07:00

Anyone good at dream interpretation? I keep having random wedding nightmares. For example, last night I dreamt that Jedi had an affair with my mother. He then also had an affair with 2 other people. I proceeded to clear out our joint bank account and changed the locks on the condo while he was out. (and then, for some reason, sent his parents a big tub of cashews.)

I also dreamt that we had a baby but I kept misplacing it in places like gas stations and shopping malls.

What does it all mean!?

Again, remiss

2011-06-28T12:42:00.000-07:00

I should probably stop apologizing for my lax posting schedule, huh? It's a too common occurrence.

I've been spending a lot of time with my family lately-- you may recall that my grandfather is not doing well. He had a biopsy last week that only confirmed the initial diagnosis of 2-3 months to live.

Jedi & I thought about moving the wedding up, but my grandfather insists he'll be there. If he can't we have a plan to live-stream it, but fingers crossed.

My dad is taking it pretty hard. I think it's not just that his dad is dying, I think it's because it's a passing of the baton in a lot of ways. My dad will be the patriarch... life goes on. I think he feels a heavy responsibility.

It's kind of weird for me not to be the kid anymore. I mean, I sure as hell FEEL like the kid. I don't know if that ever goes away-- older & wiser folks? Does it ever go away? Maybe when one has children?

It's weird to realize-- oh, yeah, I should probably pay not only for my dinner, but for my parents' dinner as well. When, after all, I've spent the last 25 or so years letting them pay (you know, those lean-after-college-no-money years. I can't be the only one.) But I'm a grown up now, even if I don't feel like one.

The wedding is slowly creeping up on me. Only 45 days to go! Crazy, huh? As I've mentioned before, I really don't talk about the wedding to people other than my in-laws & Jedi, but as we get closer it's all anyone seems to want to talk TO me about. Not that I mind talking about it, I just feel like I'm constantly disappointing people with my reactions. To wit:

Random person: "So, the BIG DAY is almost here, huh? Are you excited?"
Me: "Sure, I guess.
Random Person: "What do you mean you guess?

And what do I mean? I guess I mean that while I'm sure it will be a fun day and all-- and i'm excited for cake!--in the end, it's just a nice party.

The whole, "I commit my life to you forever & ever" deal? I feel like I did that a year ago when Jedi & I first talked about getting married. Boom. Done deal. For expediency's sake we've been referring to ourselves as husband & wife when dealing with strangers-- like the cable guy, the car shop lady, etc. (It also has the added benefit of forestalling the whole, "When's the big day? What are your colors? What does your dress look like?" conversation. Again, not that I mind talking about it, really, just that I find it so BORING and I feel like I've repeated it a million times and I'd just rather not do it again.) So, I really do feel like my life is not going to change drastically. The commitment is already there. (I will add though that newly married friends all SWEAR there's a deeper level of commitment and feeling of security that comes with being married, and that it took them by surprise. So, who knows. Maybe it will surprise me too!)

But, people tend to take my response as some sort of sign of cold feet (which, as you know, I've had-- but not in a "I'm going to run away" manner, more in a "Whoa, this person can pull the plug on my life support, and that is a BIG DEAL" manner.)

But I love Jedi. I'm sure he's the one for me. Even when he drives me nuts, he knows just what to do to make me laugh, and he's always so thoughtful and sweet. So, yeah, I think I'll keep him for the long haul.

Has it been a week already?

2011-06-07T10:45:00.000-07:00

I guess it's time for another Random Thought Tuesday since I can't get my act together enough to actually write anything of any substance.

1) My grandpa is dying. This sucks. Went to the doctor for a cough, found out he has cancer in his lungs, liver, brain, everywhere. Nothing to be done. 2-3 months.

2) My grandma is stronger than she looks, but I'm still worried. My grandpa took care of everything-- she doesn't even know how to pump her own gas or pay the bills.

3) I have WAY too much bureaucratic paperwork to fill out. I have been procrastinating for 5 years to register with my local consulate, but I can't avoid it anymore as my passport is almost expired.

4) In perusing the consulate website it appears that I need to fill out paperwork so that my marriage is legally valid in France and that needs to be done 60 days before the wedding.... which is 7 days from today. Sweet!

5) I got my performance evaluation back for the year and it was all good, very complimentary... but is it wrong to be miffed that on a scale of 1-5 I was ranked a 4? It's probably petty I know, but it makes a difference in whether or not I get that .5% raise!

6) I am freaking out about children I don't plan to have for another 3+ years or so. Like, how do I get back to France to have my kids so that they can then go to a french immersion school in the US that the French gov will pay for? And where should I be looking for jobs (presumably 6+ years from now) so that they can go to kindergarten near where I work?

7) I think not having kids would give me more free time and money. This is a delightful proposition.

8) sadly, I think I would regret not having kids, so I continue to obsess over where we will live and how I will pay for them.

9) I am avoiding wedding stuff because I don't want to plan anymore.

10) next tuesday I'm doing a trial run for my wedding hair (had to plan that or I would be screwed...). I think that as long as I'm going to get my hair done, I'm going to go and get my passport pictures taken the same day. Ha! I will have awesome passport picture hair! (However this means that I will probably be forever stopped at the border when the guards compare the picture to my actual-bedraggled-while-traveling-self.)

Random Tuesday Thoughts

2011-05-24T07:47:00.000-07:00

I think there actually is a Random Tuesday blogpost thingy that is an actual thing, but I'm too lazy to look it up, so we'll just go with my generic version.

So, here are a bunch of random things that are on my mind:

* I want a chapel shack update!

* I had a pretty good time on Saturday at a random party hanging with someone I'm pretty sure hates me for a reason I've never really been able to discern.

*I'm really hoping a friend gets a new job so that she can revert back to being the upbeat person I knew 2 years ago. (oh, and I want her to be happy & find fulfillment in what she does too, OBVIOUSLY... But, selfishly, it is hard to keep trying to cheer someone up for 2 years.)

*We were playing a board game and Jedi, who is a History Education major, didn't know who Lenin was. I was terribly embarrassed... for him... and, I admit it, for me. "How can you not know?" I asked him several times in the car on the way home. Finally he turned to me, exasperated, and said, "I don't constantly dwell on your faults, do I?"

Well, that shut me up right quick. Yup. It's true. Not only does he not constantly dwell on my faults, he never points them point to begin with. I have more than my fair share of faults, I think, and he only ever makes me feel like I'm perfect just as I am.

*A friend announced she was pregnant. I admit it took me a few days to work up a "Congratulations"-- not because I'm not happy for her, I'm just exasperated by these smart capable women I used to know falling into traditional roles. That, and I'm jealous of her house.

*I alternate between thinking I should go back on Atkins and thinking that bread is delicious and why would I be so foolish as to give that up.

*My ever-growing waistline tells me I should give up bread again. And cereal. Which is sad, because toast and cereal are what most of my meals consist of.

*Jedi makes an awesome Reuben. Yeah for hidden skills!

*I have this overwhelming desire to take lots of naked pictures of Jedi so that when he's 50 I can remember how hot he was.

*My office is a disaster and I'm procrastinating by writing this post instead of cleaning.

*I need a nap.

*Every time I play the lottery I am genuinely surprised that I don't win.

*Our space is too small and I think we can get a mortgage for a slightly larger place, but I'm not sure how long we'll be here... 3 years? 10? 20? I can't decide if we should actually look for something else or just hold our in the cramped space for a few years.

*It has been raining here for 10 days straight. Now, it could be worse-- at least we don't have tornadoes-- but this is also totally depressing.

* If I didn't have an appointment at lunch today, I would totally take a nap.

I think I love my life

2011-05-12T10:35:00.000-07:00

1) I got out of jury duty this week. Phew. It would have been a 3 week trial about an hour away from my house, so I would have had to live in a hotel for 3 weeks.

2) My fabulous (temporary) Admin Assistant's (Karen) contact was going to be up in July. One of the other AAs from the central office was going to come down (and I'm not too fond of her.) and take her place, and my AA was going to be out of a job. Fortunately, we just got word that one of the central office AAs is going to retire which, leaves the slot open for Karen, and we get to keep her! Yippee!

2a) Karen just came into an unexpected inheritance! Yeah!

3) We're interviewing people for the position of my future boss. So far we've seen 2 out of the 4. One of the candidates was so-so and the other seemed great. Keeping my fingers crossed because she seemed like someone I could really work with well.

4) I discovered I have 17 days of vacation I have to use before July 1. Relaxation, here I come! (I was hoarding my vacation days this year because I wasn't sure if my job would be permanent.)

4a) I have a job that gives me 22 days of paid vacation a year + 2 weeks off paid at Christmas.

5)My friend Npapaya got a job interview.

6) I discovered the dining hall carries not one, not two, but THREE hereto undiscovered flavors of Ben & Jerry's icecream. I have now tried them all.

7) I got an ipad. I am in love.

8) I am in love. With Jedi. I don't actually say it all that much because it sounds totally schmaltzy, and I disapprove of schmaltz.

9) we've had perfect weather here for the past week.

10) My students call me at 11pm at night. Now, that isn't the awesome part-- the awesome part is that when they got great news I was one of the first people they wanted to share it with. I'm glad I've been able to make connections with them.

Musing of the day

2011-04-28T11:13:00.001-07:00

The torment that so many young women know, bound hand and foot by love and motherhood, without having forgotten their former dreams. ~Simone de Beauvoir

See why I love him?

2011-04-27T10:43:00.000-07:00

Jedi wrote me a poem. He said I could share it.

Je t’aime

In the morning I adore you,

When you are getting ready for work.

Your red hair up in the style that I like so much

I sneak a glimpse of you in front of the mirror

When you don’t think I’m looking.

I know you think you need lipstick or eyeliner,

But you look breathtaking without their help.

My life has changed dramatically

Since you came into it.

I don’t know if it was serendipity

Or divine intervention,

However we found each other

I am very thankful.

When I see your smile after I make you lunch,

It brightens my day.

And after a long and tiring day of work,

I know that I get to curl up

With you on the sofa and just relax

And I can tell you what happened.

Tu es mon tout

I'd rather have a kid than a doctorate. I think.

2011-04-26T06:05:00.000-07:00

I went to visiting day at one of the schools I'm applying to yesterday. I'm applying to two programs at the school-- one an MA in counseling and the other a PsyD. (At a different school I'm applying to an Ed.D.)

One of my HUGE motivating factors in getting a degree in counseling -- whatever that ends up being-- would be to open up a private practice so that I can have a lot of flexibility in my life. One of the reasons I want so much flexibility is because I want to be able to provide for my (potential future) family while still being able to spend time with them.

After going to the visiting day, hoping it would provide some clarity -- really thinking that I was leaning toward these two programs, but not sure which one-- I now am more conflicted, but finding myself leaning away from these programs and leaning toward the Ed.D.

One the one hand I felt good when the admissions people told me I'd be a good candidate for the PsyD program (This is not true for MOST PsyD programs ... it's complicated, but essentially my academic background isn't in Psych and so most schools wouldn't consider me since I don't have the pre-reqs. This particular school specializes in adult learners/non-traditional students so their reqs are more flexible-- but it's still accredited & all that.) I liked the school, I was impressed with the faculty I met & the facilities.

One of the reasons I was originally drawn to the school was because of their flexible program model-- a full day of classes 8am-7pm on Mondays and Tuesdays. My hope was to continue working Wed-Fri, and it sounded like my workplace would be flexible with that.

Well, after talking to students who were there, it turns out that you have to do 20hours of practicum during the week-- and those are during business hours. There's really no way to work a traditional office job doing that. The other students I talked to either lived off their loans (Gulp! all $200k of them.) or worked flexible jobs like waitress. Essentially, that ends up being pocket money/gas money, because there's no way to support yourself on that. A lot of the students had spouses who worked full time and were able to support them. *sigh* It's nothing against Jedi... but I know that's not a possibility for us.

Additionally, I realized that even after I would graduate (assuming it took me 5 years, though it takes many students 7 or 8) I'd still have a 6th year of supervised work to get licensed and then at least 5 years of working for the government to pay off loans... That's 12 years from now. Which would make me 42. Not exactly prime childbearing years, huh? Oh, sure, I could have a kid in the middle of doing the program... after all, as another student pointed out, there was a student in her class who was pregnant! With Twins!

Oh god. Kill me now.

Sure, of course it IS possible to do that with kids... but would I want to? NO THANKS. Plus, I know there'd be no way I'd graduate on time if I did that.

(So do the MA, you may be thinking... well, it turns out the MA is not really as flexible as advertised either. Sure, classes are on Tues & Wed... but you have a practicum on Mondays.... and then the second year you're expected to do the internship full time, during regular working hours. No way I could keep my job under those circumstances. The students I spoke to also advised me to do the PsyD over the MA if I chose to do any of the programs. The MA also requires a full year of supervised internship before being licensed... so essentially 3 years of earning no money)

In the case of both programs the admissions folks and professors were pretty clear that their graduates don't go into private practice in most cases, and those that do do so 10 or 15 years after they start practicing (working for clinics) and have built up a client base. I.E. Not the flexibility I'm looking for.

I know other people are able to make it work-- my friend supergirl for instance is one of those women who can "have it all." But! She's also a freaking genius, has a husband with a great job and salary, has a 2 previous degrees in Psych, and was able to get a full scholarship + stipend. I'm really happy for her for all those things-- she made decisions in her life that allowed her to do that. If I could turn back time I perhaps would go back and get a degree in Psych (which would make me a more attractive candidate, which would potentially mean more scholarship $$) and fall in love with someone who earns good money . But I obviously can't change my undergrad major and I wouldn't change Jedi, because if he hadn't been living with his parents when we met, we never would have met.

So, all that to say, what is the answer? I'm now thinking that the Ed.D makes the most sense and offers me the most flexibility. It's a really tough because I think I would really enjoy the PsyD and that I'd be good at it. If I won the lottery tomorrow and didn't have to worry about money, and could go to school and get a babysitter as needed-- absolutely. And don't they say that's how to measure what you really want?

But at the same time what I really, REALLY want is flexibility and to have a kid (not now, but like 3 years from now... but certainly not 12 years from now.) And for those goals I think the Ed.D might be a better fit.

Keep the old

2011-04-21T07:24:00.000-07:00

This article from Salon touches on something I've been meaning to write for awhile. Though the author of that particular piece seems a little blind to her own privilege (money, college, nuclear family, following convention in marrying college sweet-heart at 23) that led to her relationship with her friend drifting apart, I recognize how painful it is.

I was never the type of girl who put whichever guy I was dating ahead of my friends. (Partly because I never dated anyone for long/seriously, I admit). However, this was still a VERY conscious choice. I saw firsthand in my parent's divorce that friends are there for you when the "love of your life" isn't. I swore I would never put myself in a position where I depended solely on a "significant other"-- I'd seen often enough how those types of relationships ended up. The woman ended up both without a relationship and without any friends.

I also swore that I would never cancel plans on my friends because some guy came along. I promised myself that I would continue to make time for my friends-- after all, they'd been there for me long before some guy came along, my first loyalty was to them.

What a hurtful surprise it was to realize that my friends would make those choices for me, and start cutting me out of their lives.

Not all of them, but some I considered a very good friends. And it hurts.

We used to talk for hours on the phone, hang out, go to movies, shopping, dinners out-- the usual. We were at the same points in our lives We would commiserate over jobs we didn't particularly like, over school work, but especially over being single and what crappy dates/choices we had.

We graduated from school. One particular girl struggled to find a job in her field of study. I got a new job I love. She's been on bad date after bad date, and had several short lived relationships. I met Jedi. She's bemoaning getting older and being single. She didn't acknowledge my birthday. Her phone calls come less and less. She doesn't answer when I call her. I find out later that she made plans, to something she would know I'd love to do, with friends I introduced her to, and she didn't include me. I find out this happens a lot.

I made a point through all of this to continue to invite her to things, things she would blow off. I would be very conscious of asking about her life, talking about things that were important to her, mentioning Jedi only incidentally, never talking about the wedding. When I do talk about my own future plans I can see the pursed lips, the barely contained eyerolls, the judgement. It seems she's no longer the person I became friends with. There's a way to disagree with my choices, (as supergirl has done), while still being supportive. This friend and I used to support each other. I wanted to continue to support her. I don't feel like she feels the same.

It makes me supremely sad. Female friendship went beyond the bonds of male-female relationships for me. It was supposed to transcend them. That's what I was taught, and that's what I always believed, and that's what I was prepared to show.

I wasn't always nice to Jedi as a result of this. I made it clear that he took second place to my friends. I was wrong to do that. They should at least have been at equal footing. I know there are those who say I should have/should put Jedi first. That still makes me really uncomfortable... but I recognize that if Jedi were "just" a friend, and not my partner (key word there), he would have proven himself to be the most loyal friend in the world, over and over and over again. Why then would I put a friend who has proven herself to be unsupportive ahead of him, regardless of our relationship status?

There's a song I remember singing in girl scouts-- "Make new friends, but keep the old, one is silver and the other's gold." I desperately wanted to keep the old. Who knew that it would be them who would shut me out?

Hair!

2011-04-20T11:51:00.000-07:00

I am inordinately fond of my hair. This is probably because, as my sister would say, my "hair is [my] one good feature." I would say that it's also the only feature I feel confident about as it's something I get complimented on at least a few times a week. This has been going on since I was in middle school-- people used to just randomly come up to me and start petting my hair. Having grown up feeling fat, ugly, and just generally harassed about my appearance since I was in 7th grade, I always knew that at least I had good hair. (And my otherwise gorgeous & skinny sister didn't. Bonus!)

So, all that to say that my hair is as important to me as my dress. I've been obsessing over hairstyles and I have yet to find anything I'm in love with! So frustrating. I had originally wanted my hair up, but I've been told that it should be down for a variety of reasons. I'm compromising I think with a half-up do... but, it's surprisingly hard to find a half-up-do that doesn't look like "prom" hair or super trashy with stringy tendrils that are supposed to be romantic yet look like someone just as an awkward case of bed head. I really want something that's more structured than not.

Here are the contenders so far: (And if you have any suggestions, please feel free to send them my way!)

(Now, it is very hard to judge without taking the attractiveness of the models into account... ;-p... so, just picture me, who has a very round (slightly chubby) face, wide forehead, and reddish hair.)

Which do y'all like best?

Feeling groovy

2011-04-12T11:44:00.000-07:00

The past few years were kind of rough. (Job uncertainty, crummy job, crappy love life...) Most of these things were not just for me, I know, but for the entire country. Hopefully we're on our way to better times?

The reason I bring it up is because I'm actually feeling pretty happy and content these days, which is a novel feeling. I couldn't ask for anyone better than Jedi-- and amazingly, he seems to feel the same way. I have a job that I like with coworkers I like. I feel like my job makes a difference, and I feel like I'm not only pretty good at it, but that my contributions are appreciated. I'm feeling hopeful for the future.

Thinking about applying to school has been stressing me out. Thinking about not getting into any programs I want to get into has been stressing me out. Thinking about how to PAY for school has been stressing me out more. I've decided to stop letting it. Yup. Just like that. Don't get me wrong, I still plan on applying, but I've decided to stop letting it be a barrier.

Hell, I'm not a senior in high school wondering if my life will go kaput if I don't get into schools A, B or C. My life will be perfectly fine if I don't get into any schools. That's kind of a liberating thought.

I had a conversation with a great colleague the other day and I was expressing my anxiety around having a new boss. My greatest anxiety was around the fact that I've successfully pulled of lots of big programming this year, which my current boss has seen and appreciated. That means that I've kind of got "credit" in the bank with her-- e.g. if my next project goes kaput she won't say, "Well, see now-- I knew Hypatia was an incompetent idiot. This just proves it." Instead she'll say, "Hmm, this isn't typical of Hypatia, this must have been an anomaly."

THAT I think is the most stressful part of having a new boss. (and I've had about 13-16 in the past few years depending on how you calculate it.) Always having to prove yourself again, and again, and again, and always being on your guard. Phew. No wonder I want to work for myself! Hopefully one of these degrees I'm applying to will let me do that. Fingers crossed.

What my colleague said to me when I expressed this anxiety was kidn of liberating and eye-opening in a Duh-Moment (no Aha- Moments for me!) kind of way. She said, "Even if your new boss thinks you're an idiot, that doesn't mean that you are."

Oh. Really? Oh. Are you sure? Really? Oh.

Huh.

Wow.

That's pretty profound.

Even if it is kind of glaringly obvious.

Personal statements

2011-04-11T11:30:00.000-07:00

I fucking hate personal statements on school applications. I hated them 11 years ago when I was applying to undergrad. I hated them 3 years ago when I was applying to grad school. I hate them even more now that I'm applying to grad school again.

Look, I get why people ask for them. I've read admissions forms. I know how indistinguishable candidates can be from one another when the grades and coursework are pretty much the same.

It still sucks though. How can you be "authentic" (and still tell 10 different schools that they're your number 1 choice!)? How can you be original (and yet stay within these strictly confining guidelines)? How can you give an exhaustive accounting about yourself and why you're passionate about this particular degree (in only 500-700 words!)

These things SUCK. SUCK. SUCK. SUCK. And I have 4 different ones to write and the questions/programs are all just different enough that I can't really recycle the answers.

And I'm totally procrastinating about it. And I should have finished a week ago.

GRR.

We're going on a honeymoon!

2011-04-11T10:07:00.000-07:00

So, I have been chided for not keeping up with posting. I won't even try to defend myself-- I'll just say, "Yeah. I know. Lame. Super Lame-O."

One nice update I do have is that Jedi and I are going on a honeymoon! Whee! Really didn't think it would be possible because, have I mentioned?, we have no money! Whee.

A nice aspect about where we live is that while it is nowheresville, it is also prime vacation spot for the good-ole-USofA. Tourism is one of our main industries. One of the super annoying things about this is that it makes this nowheresville super expensive to live in, but we also have some great vacationing options close by.

Not needing to fly anywhere is a nice bonus (as is not getting groped by overzealous TSA agents) and a money saving highlight.

"So where are you going", I know you're just dying to ask!

We're going here:

Not bad, huh? My most important requirement is that I be near a beach.

We got a good deal on jetsetter.com and are going for a week for only $1000. (Ha! "only"! Well, a week's vacation for 2 people, $1000 isn't bad... but it still makes me wince a little!) Sure there will be incidentals, I'm sure, but I'm guessing overall we can do it for about $1400 total including gas to get there.

Fingers crossed for nice weather!

Frustration!

2011-03-30T10:31:00.000-07:00

It's all well and good that I have this new life plan, right?

Yeah, except that of the 50 or so accredited programs in the country as I'm checking the admin recs, for most of them one is required to either a)have a bachelor's in psychology or b) have a master's in mental health/psychology and c) have classes in stats on your transcript.

WTF!?

Fortunately, the program I MOST want to attend doesn't require those things (it requires the psych GRE as most of the programs that are more "lenient" and not requiring a masters in psych do. Which is still a PITA, but not as much as asking me to go back in time and change my undergrad major.)

Well, good thing I still have the EdD as a back up. Not that I've actually gotten into that program yet, but it seems like I've got a much better shot at getting into it than any of the PsyD programs. But, well, at least I'll have tried, right?

Yup, I sure did

2011-03-28T17:12:00.000-07:00

I just traded dinner making for sex. Yup. I sure did.
Totally worth it. Jedi makes good sandwiches.

Clean house and a clear(er) head

2011-03-28T08:06:00.000-07:00

Have I mentioned that I love my therapist? I got a good one kind of out of sheer luck. After essentially having a nervous breakdown due to the horribleness of a previous boss (see post below) I asked a friend for a recommendation, and voila! Good therapist.

I've had a fair number of bad therapists in my life, such that it's kind of surprising I would go see a new therapist at all. But I did, and I've been seeing her for 5 years now. Kind of hard to believe it's been that long! I've been seeing her for so long that my insurance company cut me off from sessions because I'm "not getting better" apparently. They'd prefer that I try drugs. Less expensive, yanno.

But I AM getting better-- I know that much. Yes, it's slow going, but after 5 years I can confidently say that I wouldn't be getting married in August without her help in working through my issues. I still have a bunch more issues to unpack, which is why I still go and see her, but I know it's helping.

When I saw her last Friday I shared some of the issues described in the two previous posts. In one of the stories I shared about my frustrations and anger with the two women at the training session I'm participating in and how these two women are probably the least qualified people I've ever met and they are training to be therapists. Part of the reason it made me so angry was because I felt like they were doing something that I couldn't allow myself/give myself permission to do.

After all, on paper it makes much more sense to do the EdD program.

EdD            vs         PsyD
3 years            4-6 years
$21k                      $100+k
Part time                 Full Time
Not moving           Probably Moving
Jedi keeps his job    Jedi probably needs a new job
Easy App Process   Difficult App Process
Potential future earnings for both about the same

But what seems clear on paper is less clear when one factors in emotions. And I was getting really emotional/tense/anxious without really knowing why. And when I identified that I was really angry about other people doing what I wouldn't allow myself to do I suddenly felt much more at peace. My therapist and another friend both said that my entire demeanor changes when I talk about doing one program versus the other.

I realized also that one of the things that is very important to me is being able to have control over my work environment and time. I love my current job (most of the time.) My boss is great about being flexible if I need to go to an appointment or need a comp day. I have great vacation time (22 days!) I have good benefits... (they were better last year before budget cuts... grumble...)...

But, at the end of the day, I really have no control over who my next boss will be, if my benefits will be cut further, if my new boss will be flexible with vacation time... etc.

And I realized that if I do the EdD I am essentially saying that my life will be a life spent doing one thing, under the control of someone else, forever. And in some ways it's not bad-- there's some security to that-- But what I want most of all is to be free and in control of my work life. I want to be able to say that I won't take clients from 2-5 when my (hypothetical future) children are coming home from school. But I can take clients from 5-7 when lots of people with non/flexible jobs might need someone. I want to be able to scale back my work load when my grandmother is sick so I can have more time to take care of her... etc.

Additionally, while doing the PsyD means that I can go into private practice, it certainly wouldn't prevent me from continuing to work at a school or college. I could potentially have the best of both worlds.

I'm also much more interested in the topics covered by the PsyD program than I am the EdD program.

After much thought and soul searching I realized how much freer and easier I felt at the thought of doing the PsyD program. In addition to all the factors mentioned above, I think I was just scared to try. I mean, what if I really went for what I wanted and I failed. Gulp.

I talked to a good friend-- Megan-- (i think I had given her a nickname on here at one point, but we'll go with Megan for now.) She just got accepted to a similar program with a full scholarship & stipend (yea!) and she was giving me hints for the GRE/Psych GRE... (She got a perfect score... not surprising, knowing her... though she claims to be bad at standardized tests.) She's going to send me her resource books and everything, which I very much appreciate. Maybe someday-- if I get into a program-- we can even start a practice together, which would be amazing.

I also decided that I'm still going to apply for the EdD program. My application is already 3/4 complete and if I get in I can always defer until next year (2012). That way I can go through the long, painful application process to the other programs but still potentially have a back up in case I don't get admitted to any of the PsyD programs. Which is possible. I may utterly bomb the tests and the applications. But unless I try I don't think I'll be happy with myself.

There's one program I'd really like to get into above all others about an hour away because it means that I would probably be able to continue working where I'm at part-time, Jedi could stay in his job, and we wouldn't have to move. Fingers crossed for that one!

As for Jedi? Well, he's completely supportive, as always.

And, amazingly, these newfound revelations and the peace it brought me led me to give my house a thorough cleaning yesterday. ahhhhh..... My house hasn't been this clean since my mother came to visit last June.

PTSD

2011-03-24T17:57:00.000-07:00

I've started to think that part of the reason I have all this free-floating anxiety, and these panic attacks (under control now through therapy), this tension and stress, my be a mild form of ptsd.

Now, my intention is really not to make light of ptsd, please don't take it that way, because I certainly haven't experienced war or daily beatings or a mugging or something that one would traditionally think about as causing ptsd.

I was at a training today about how to provide support to survivors of sexual assault and rape and one of the interesting things I took away from that session was when they presented research (forgive me for not having citations!) that said that women are 2x more likely than men to report symptoms of ptsd and that this is due to the microagressions that women are subjected to on a near daily basis.

In thinking on it, since joining the working world after graduating in 2004, between then and Oct 2010 I only had one job (for a period of one year) that didn't make me contemplate quitting it every single day. While in some cases the direct supervisor was good/ok, I've had 16 supervisors since 2004 and only 4 jobs during that time. You do that math... It's enough to give me whiplash.

Out of those 16 I had FOUR good supervisors, supportive supervisors, encouraging, caring, thoughtful, fair... I am forever grateful to them. In some cases they were great supervisors in bad positions and the office culture was supremely fucked up.

In my first job the supervisor was a somewhat more malevolent version of Michael Scott--racist, sexist, abelist-- you name it. He was also a religious fundie with 9 kids, each a year apart, and liked to pontificate about how insurance shouldn't cover things like HIV meds or pregnancy care for unwed mothers because those were lifestyle choices, and why should he have to pay for that?

That job sent me to the hospital for panic attacks. The only good day on that job was the day I quit, but somehow I did last for 2 years. (Actually, I know how I survived-- my awesome direct supervisor, Bon-Bon! She shielded me from a lot, but she up and quit about a year after Michael Scott II came on board. I didn't last much longer after that.)

My second job was GREAT. 2 Great supervisors, interesting work. Mostly nice co-workers. (One shitty one who could have been Debbie Downer's sister...)

Why did I leave that job? OH, you know... more pay, a promotion... sigh. It was probably a good thing because my awesome supervisor only lasted 2 years at my second job because her boss was a whack-a-loon, but she'd managed to shield us from that. (noticing a trend in what great supervisors do?)

Third job... started off ok, except for my awesome supervisor up and quit about 3 months after I was hired. Grr. Which left me in a shitastic mess of a situation with a quick succession of 5 shitty supervisors in less than a year, each one more insane and controlling than the last. But, no need to go into that now...

Then, layoffs! Fun, fun...

Fourth job... managed to get another job in my same department, which I was grateful for, except that my new boss was a heinous bitch and incompetent and a micromanager (the trifecta!).... and then the office went through another round of layoffs a year later ... (I was spared, but the ax was over my head)...

All that to say that of the past 7 years only one has been a good year at work. Only one year in which I didn't want to pretend to be sick every morning so that I wouldn't have to go in. Only one year in which I didn't wonder, "What am I going to get yelled at for today?" Only one year in which I wasn't held responsible for things I had no control over. Only 2 out of those 7 where I didn't worry about losing my job due to downsizing. Only 1 year in which my workspace wasn't moved or reconfigured without my input or opinion. Only 1 year in which I wasn't subjected to sexist remarks at least once a week.

So, yeah, while I haven't experienced "trauma" in the textbook sense, I certainly feel traumatized by some of my work experiences. I'm not the only one, for what it's worth-- I'd say at least 90% of a workforce of about 4,000 feel similarly if the people I've come across in the past 4 years here are any indication. Always waiting to see if you're the next one to get the ax is not a great way to spend your time... hearing that there will probably be more cuts in the future is sure to keep you on your toes.

And aren't I a pretty pretty princess for complaining about a job I still have? I know it. Add "survivor's guilt" to my list of anxieties too.

So, I've talked about my past jobs, but what about my current job? It's great. I enjoy it. I find it meaningful. I work with kind and supportive (and enlightened!) colleagues.

But.

*sigh*

It's all going to change in the next 6 months.

Sometime in those next 6 months I'm going to get another new supervisor. I'm going to get a new colleague who will share the functions of my job. My assistant's contract will be up and we don't know if it will be renewed (harder on her than on me, I acknowledge.) The entire department I work for is likely to be split up, reconfigured and report to someone else in an entirely new structure as well as change physical locations. The office I work directly in is likely to be split off from my current department and join a completely different department, cut off from the colleagues I'm currently working with.

So. Yeah.

Don't really feel like I can get too settled or too comfortable where I'm at, and that scares me. While I feel like I'm in a supportive space I know all too well how quickly that can change, and that it's very likely to change, and also that there's nothing I can do about it. (A lack of control over one's situation is also a trigger for ptsd, we learned today.)

So, yeah... I don't really know how to let go of this anxiety and stress. After all, I might need it again shortly.

Death by 1000 papercuts

2011-03-22T13:31:00.000-07:00

**Big Sigh**

March has been kicking my butt. Here is a list of things that are not really all that bad in and of themselves... but are adding up to a whole lot of suck.

Here they are, in no particular order-

1) found out totally incompetent former co-worker who has less experience than I do is applying to be my boss
2) found out many marginally competent people are applying to be my boss

(ok, there seem to be some somewhat competent people in the pool, but not nearly as many as I think there should be in order to make it competitive. And I worry that one of the nincompoops is going to slip through the cracks.

Also, it annoys me that so many people applied for the job who basically have the same qualifications that I do. (Despite the ad posting which stipulates a terminal degree.) I've had numerous colleagues approach me to urge me to apply for the director position but given that my immediate boss and one of my reccommenders to grad school are co-chairing the committee I feel like if they considered me even a halfway decent candidate they would have mentioned it. Given that I was only appointed to my current position a few months ago I think it would be seen as grasping to apply for the director position. And I really am fine with someone else getting the job... I'm just not really fine with someone who is less experienced and doesn't even have a masters getting the job. So, well, that's pissing me off at the moment.)

3) My great grandmother (98) had a stroke 3 weeks ago. (She'll be as ok as you can be for 98... ) but...
4) It's putting a huge strain on my grandmother (73) who is taking care of her
5) I live 3 hours away... close enough to visit and see the stress, but not enough to do anything substantial.
6) my great aunt (who had been helping my grandma take care of their mother) has suddenly gone blind
7) my great aunt's daughter, who is a nurse and who has been helping to take care of my great grandmother, was just diagnosed with lung cancer (not a smoker, though her father was), and has to have a lung removed
8) my favorite aunt (on the other side) just went in for back surgery because she's lost all feeling in her legs (and old injury) and she may be permanently disabled.

9) I have a 2 day program that's coming up for work-- which I ostensibly have organized-- but I'm not hearing back from people that I need info from in order to get the schedule up... and I was supposed to have that schedule to the printers today.
8) I have to do a presentation to students in 2 weeks about a complex gender issue... and I have to co-present with someone who does a lot of 'mansplaining'... (Oh, and did I mention that the mansplainer is one of the people applying for a job in my office. *sigh*)

10) I fell off the diet wagon and put the 14lbs I'd lost in January all back on

11) Jedi is making a ton of simple mistakes (e.g. assistants vs assistance) at work which are worrying me regarding his continued employment in his office. He's also making some questionable choices regarding calling out sick or going in late. (He would protest this, I know, but frankly right now he's been acting like a little kid who doesn't want to go to school and praying for snow days.)

12) My mother is driving me nuts regarding wedding stuff. (Did I mention that she's picked out a white floor length ball gown to wear to the wedding?)

13) My least-favorite smarmy religious "earth Jesus" type millionaire uncle is maybe/probably coming to my wedding. Ugh. And bringing his real housewife with him. Ugh. I only invited them because I wanted to invite my aunt (his sister), whom I like, to the wedding and you know that whole--can't invite one without the other thing. Big mistake. Can't retract it now!

14) My mother thinks it would be awesome to have earth Jesus sing at my wedding. I'm all like, "I hate the guy! I don't even want him to come!" and she's all like, "What does that matter? He has a beautiful voice. You're so unreasonable."

15) I'm sick of people asking me what I'm going to do for music... or flowers... or food... or anything else... when I don't know the answer to the question and it stresses me to think about it. (I think it's somewhat akin to being a senior in college and being asked for the millionth time by your smarmy uncle, "So, theater huh? No really, what are you going to do with your life? Heh. heh. heh.)

16) I'm currently taking a course in victim advocacy... and two other women (in this class of 10) are total dipshit dingbats who are more worried about working out their own emotional issues than in learning. They constantly derail the sessions with, "Well, when this happened to me..." when we've been specifically told numerous times that we're not supposed to talk about ourselves in this work as the focus is supposed to be entirely on the victims. I'm all for people working out their issues (these two women are currently training to be therapists, which makes me want to bang my head against a wall), but when I'm trapped in a room for 4 hours/week with you is NOT the time or the place to be doing it!

17) I'm applying to grad school again. I haven't told one of my good friends about it because I know she won't be supportive-- which makes me sad because I could really use her support. But right now she's going through issues of her own and I know she would think I'm going back to grad school for the wrong reasons.

18) I'm going back to grad school for the wrong reasons. That is, if you assume the "right reasons" include such things as being passionate about the subject matter and a love of learning. I just want to make more money and this particular program is the fastest and cheapest way to do it. (No, it's not a for-profit/diploma mill place... don't worry)

(17a).... 5 transcripts... 3 rec letters... fees...personal statement... resume... translations... to pull together before April 1.

19) I can't get a good night's sleep to save my life. I need a new mattress. But, I also need money for that. Damn those catch-22s

20) I wonder what happened to my creative self. I used to paint, do photography, write, garden (ok, that one is on hold for another few months)... now all I do is go to work and watch trash tv. Trash tv is sucking out my soul and I'm letting it? Why am I letting it? I would say it's a mystery but the truth is simply that my passion for life just seems to have waned somehow.

21) News and internet. I debated getting an ipad on impulse this weekend (no, not that I have money for that either...) and I didn't get it. Not because I didn't have the money, which would have been the logical reason, but because I'm at least able to recognize that constant connection to the internet is part of my problem and is bringing on this sense of general malaise to a large degree.

I'm a huge news junkie. I'm a prolific reader. Put those together and 6 hours can be spent on the internet that would have been better spent doing just about anything else. I notice that I come away tense and irritable after I spend time reading blogs and I know it's because I'm usually filled with lots of righteous anger and no way to expend it.

I'm considering making April (my birthday month!) an internet-news/blog-reader free month. (Just typing that makes me feel like I'm gasping for air, which means I probably should do it.)

Isn't it sad that I feel like I have a 100% greater chance of sticking to my food-diet than my internet-diet?

So, internets, there is my not-so-very-great tale of woe. Don't worry, I won't ask you to feel sorry for me. But could you please pass the excedrin?

Life on earth

2011-03-09T13:29:00.000-08:00

So, I'm probably the worst blogger ever, aren't I? I have a super mundane life... no longer even any funny stories to tell you about bad dates... My job and relationship are both doing pretty well (knock on wood.)

You'd think that I would then use this forum to opine about feminist issues, wouldn't you? That was originally part of my intent in starting this blog. Instead it because only slightly more interesting than a 7th grader's diary. All it's missing is the hearts and doodles....

Anyhoo, all that to say that I'm sorry I haven't been updating very often, but at the same time to wonder how many people are still paying attention/interested in my meandering thoughts? Maybe not many. I won't close up shop just yet, I'm just wondering if people would prefer a more consistent posting schedule or if people don't really care one way or another. Maybe I'm thinking too much about it, but I know there are a couple blogs I follow whose authors think their lives are pretty ordinary and they only post sporadically, and it drives me nuts because I'm actually really interested in what's going on in their lives.

So, I'll just give you the quick update from me. Work has been kicking my butt, glad the term is almost over. Not looking forward to the first week of April when I'm running a big program that as of right now looks to fall flat on its face. Ugh.

I've decided to take up photography as a hobby/potential side business again. I really enjoyed it in the past, but with the switch to digital I never made the investment in a good SLR, and with $20/roll processing fees it was too expensive to continue that hobby. However, Jedi has pointed out to me that I do need a better hobby than "The Real Housewives of Wherever" so this might just be it. If I have any pretty pictures to share, I will! Anyone have any thoughts between the Nikon D5000 and the Canon Rebel T2i? I'm debating between both right now.

Additionally, I've decided to apply for grad school to get my Ed.D. I found a program (I won't tell you which one lest it be overrun with applications!) that is a hybrid online course/weekends on campus which should fit well with my schedule. It's 3 years and only $21k from a very well reputed school. I know Ed.Ds aren't as well considered as Ph.Ds but I have no need to do original research, and I never want to teach, and I don't want to quit my job to have to go back to school.... Additionally, my workplace should reimburse me about $6k of the program, so all told it will be $15k, or $5k per year. Can't get much better than that, can you? They're currently accepting applications for the Fall term so I need to get my butt in gear, get rec letters, and get going on this!

Am I nuts to be doing this? After all the complaints I had about school/work balance last time? Eh... probably. But I think it's a good investment... So many positions I'm looking at currently require terminal degrees (which is ridiculous, because you really don't need more than a bachelor's to be able to DO the work, but whatever)... and if I ever want to make enough money to support me, Jedi, and potentially-mini-Jedi-someday... well, I think I've got to get this degree. I feel like it makes sense to do it now, when I'm 30, and have peak earning years ahead of me, than to have a kid and wait until I'm 40 to get the Ed.D, don't you?

I spend my time second guessing myself, but I do think this is the right course at this time... of course, if I get denied admission, we'll just pretend this blog post never happened, hmm? :- )

Why Jedi is the One for Me

2011-02-23T07:27:00.000-08:00

Jedi is awesome. You may have discerned this by now. Let me share another story about why he's awesome.

He stops by my office yesterday with a troubled look on his face.

"What's up?" I said.

"Something happened and I'm wondering if it's another area in which I've been blind to male privilege."

[be still my beating heart]

"What happened?"

"Well, I was crossing the street, and there was a woman there waiting for the cars to stop so she could cross. I didn't wait, I just started crossing, knowing that the cars would stop for me."

He gave me a very worried look. "Do you think I assumed that because of my gender? That they would stop for me because I'm a man, but that they wouldn't stop for her because she's a woman?"

I laughed. "No, I think you assumed that because you're a resident of this tiny town and walking out in front of moving cars with the assumption they'll stop is what everyone does."

* * *

Can I just say how much I love him for the fact that he considers these types of issues very seriously? He is the best.

Don't be mad

2011-02-20T17:36:00.000-08:00

Jedi and I had a (minor) fight this weekend, which is only incidental to the point of this story. We fought on Friday night, and yes-- went to bed angry.

I slept in on Saturday and Jedi went out, unbeknownst to me, while I slept.

As he heard me stirring as I was waking up he came in with... tea, a card, lipgloss, and a grapefruit.

He held them out hopefully. "I went to CVS while you were asleep," he said.

What do these things have in common? (Besides, apparently being things you can buy at CVS?)

It's all random crap I like.

"Please don't be mad anymore," he said.

I cracked up. Because really? Who could stay mad after that?

"Here's some random crap I know you like. Please don't be mad."

I'm still laughing.

Being poor sucks

2011-02-15T15:19:00.000-08:00

Well, ok, I know we're not really poor... even for where we live (where cost of living is CRAZY high for being in podunknowheresville) we're really just lower middle class.

I've mentioned this before, I know... but you see, the lack of money, it just gets in the way...!

It was pointed out to me that 4 years ago when I was making $28k I would have given my right arm to be making what I'm making now ($44k). It's true, I know. And while my expenses have not really gone up, I also don't seem to have that extra $16k laying around anywhere. I mean, I've started putting more into my 403b, but I don't have $16k in there either... I've even cut my cable from the premium international channels to the basic channels (ok, 2nd tier basic, not BASIC basic... I'm not uncivilized or anything), I've been aggressively paying down my credit card bills, I don't have a car payment at the moment (though I'm terrified I'm going to have one any day now as my car is totally rusting out)... but, that still doesn't explain where my money is going! So, assuming, generously, that maybe $6k is going to the above items... where's the rest?

The most I can figure is that the cost of living is just going up. I mean, I was pretty marginal at $28k-- I probably couldn't really afford my oh-so-luxurious lifestyle in my 600 sq ft studio apartment which is located on the freeway and across from the electrical grid. But, well, costs are just going up. For example, when I moved here the condo fees were $115 a month... they are now $187. The taxes were $1800... they are now around $2500. My heating bill never used to be over $150 in the middle of winter... it's now regularly over $150 even in the fall spring, and in winter it's closer to $250. The cost of my health insurance has gone up $1500 this year... the copays have gone from $10 to $20-$40...

Does all that add up to the missing $10k? I don't really know. It's sort of death by papercuts, isn't it?

This is all coming up right now because there are a few condos for sale in my area that I'd be really interested in but I'm only torturing myself (and Jedi) in looking at them. More than that, we're also trying to consider where we'd like to go on our honeymoon and we've come up with...

...
...
...

Staying home! Because that's what we can (barely!) afford! Whee!

And it's not like we were looking at trips to France or anything... (Ok, I'm lying, we totally were! But only because my mom's family is all there and we could stay for free and it's either my relatives come to the wedding or my grandpa pays for Jedi & I to go to France... Which sounds awesome, until you realize it means that we'll be sharing a bedroom with my 11 year old cousin. Oooo how romantic!)

We were then looking at a little cottage in Rhode Island, which is comparatively cheap for $1000 for 5 days... but then we do the math and we realize for the same price we could get our leaky, moldy, mildewy windows replaced... and if we go on the honeymoon we will have to live with those windows for another year. Probably not the wisest choice health-wise, huh? But oh, a week at the beach! Or, a persistent cough due to fungal infection... It's such a close call.

I would be willing to take this trade off of living a lower-middle class existence if it seemed to come with a greater freedom where free-time was concerned. I mean, I really enjoy my current job and it certainly encroaches on my personal life less than my old job, but I would love to work only part time ... and still be making (close to) what I'm making.

I was thinking about this today because there's a woman who just resigned and she only works part time (I don't know if her position will stay only part time) and just based on what the salary for the full-time job is I'm guessing she probably makes around $35-40k... working only 2.5-3days/week. I would be COMPLETELY willing to make that trade off. I don't think I'm qualified for her job at this point, but it's something to think about for the future. I just feel like I would feel so much more rested and calm and centered having that kind of schedule... so much so that having less money would be more a matter of lifestyle choice than of -gee, aren't I getting screwed-ness.

But working my ample ass off 5 (+) days a week and still having to choose between moldy windows and honeymoons? That sucketh mightily.

How do other people do it? I'd really like to know.

(BTW, apologies for the slow posting schedule... I've been under the weather this past week)

Weddings are boring

2011-01-26T17:31:00.000-08:00

No, really, they pretty much are. I've been to two weddings in my life that were AWESOME and AMAZING... and the rest were kind of just meh.

I get it, I totally do. I mean, most weddings follow the same script and unless you're intimately involved with the bride or groom... as a random acquaintance/cousin/date... it just all blends together. That's not to say that a lot of thought didn't go into the wedding-- I'm sure it did-- but really, for the most part, every wedding is about 90% the same. Entrance... sermon... song... reading...vow...rings...exit...reception/dinner/dancing (obligatory chicken dance).... and, the end. All the "My colors are Blush and Bashful," talk, all the debates over menus and centerpieces... well, it all blends together.

That's not to fault the simpler weddings--hell, with a $5,000 budget I think my own falls under that label-- but none of it is too interesting, even though it's usually the bride's obsession.

Hell, I'm sick of talking about/thinking about my OWN wedding-- and I'm in it! I would say that talking with y'all here on the interwebs is the most kvetching about wedding stuff that I've done, other than my discussions with Jedi/his mom/my mom. (And most of my conversations with my mom end with, "I don't care! Do whatever you want for the flowers!")

I've been on the receiving end of obnoxious brides who have their bride books with all the colors laid out and all the table settings and they make you look at all the potential pictures of cake until your eyes glaze over. I always swore I wouldn't be one of those people because A) it's super annoying and everyone hates you... B) there are more interesting things about me than my wedding... and C) talking about it stresses me out because it just reminds me of how much more there is to dddddoooooooo! So, as a result, I've made a pretty concerted effort not to bring up the wedding unless someone else brings it up first.

Yesterday I was at Jedi's mother's office, where I frequently am (Did I mention that Jedi, his mother, and I all work for the same organization, though in different buildings) and we were discussing invitations. Mostly we were discussing the fact that we're really going to have to trim the guest list because with the current proposal from the caterer we're feeding people cheese and crackers and that's not ok. (IMHO) If I'm inviting people I'd rather show 50 people an awesome time and serve them a dinner they'll remember for being delicious than invite 100 people to a dinner where they'll get rubber chicken.

Anyhoo, as we were discussing this at the conference/lunch table other people sat down and started asking questions about the wedding/telling their own stories about their weddings. Before I knew it the lunch hour had passed and that had pretty much been the topic of conversation-- though it seemed (to me) that everyone around the table had willingly participated in the conversation. I didn't try to keep the conversation only on my wedding and stop it from meandering to other topics as conversations have a tendency to do.

At the end of the lunch though one woman stood up and said, "All you ever talk about is your wedding." I was pretty taken aback, esp. given that I usually try to NOT talk about the wedding. I said, "That isn't true!" She kept insisting, "Yes it is. That's all you talk about."

Now, this is a woman I see a few times a week, either in passing or when I visit Jedi's mother. Admittedly, when I visit Jedi's mother in the office it usually DOES have something to do with the wedding, but I can count about 2x in the last 2 weeks that I spoke about the wedding in this woman's presence and at least 5 other times when we had conversations about work related issues.

I was really, really, really hurt. Irrationally so, perhaps, but I just felt like it was a misrepresentation of reality. Part of the other reason I've been quiet about the wedding is also because I've had a couple of friends who are single flat-out say to me that it's too hard for them to hear anything about it (because they'd like to be married. (This isn't my, "Oh, the whole world must be jealous of me!" imaginings, they flat out said they were happy for me, but that it was too difficult for them.)), so I've gotten in the habit of not saying anything, unless, of course, I've been asked.

The woman sent me an email later to apologize, which I appreciated... I still can't help being upset though, and feeling weird for being upset... and then, there's another part of me that's kind of resentful. I feel like I've really tried my best to be respectful of how others feel... But goddamnit, it feels like no one is happy for me, and that I have to find reasons Jedi ISN'T amazing and wonderful so that I can prove that I'm not *quite* that happy, lest I offend someone with my happiness.

Edited to add: Even though I KNOW I've done more wedding talking on this blog than any other place (other than with parents) the "Wedding" labeled posts only #22... which is very far from being the most common topic on this blog. I feel slightly vindicated.

What's up, pussycat?

2011-01-20T10:00:00.000-08:00

I've been MIA for awhile not for any reason in particular other than time is getting away from me. I have 3 emails from my aunts I need to answer, emails from the caterer that I'm avoiding, needing to get addresses for invitations, blah blah blah... wedding crap even I don't care about. Plus the most stressful time of the year for my new job because I'm putting on 10 events in 10 days this February and so everything I'm doing basically revolves around that.

Not much else to report. The job situation looks to be going permanent, which is AWESOME, but the entire office structure and the structure of the office that oversees this office is changing, so who knows what my job will actually look like in a year as my boss is leaving, her boss' position is eliminated, and her boss' boss is leaving... which means...??? No one knows exactly. Whee! Isn't the recession fun, kids?! Let's all play musical jobs and hope that each job is less miserable than the last.

Jedi continues to be a huge source of joy and comfort in my life and I'm grateful everyday to have him.

(Also, new post up over at my other blog. I've been thinking that maybe I should integrate the two, but at the same time they do serve different purposes. Not sure people want to slog through the weight issues posts here and vice versa.)

Bad Blogger

2011-01-11T11:26:00.001-08:00

I know I've been terrible at posting. I've not fallen off the face of the earth... however I did work until midnight last night... and the rest of my week looks to be about the same! Hopefully it will be a bit calmer next week.

I know, I know! However will you muddle along without me!?

New year, old resolutions

2011-01-03T13:10:00.000-08:00

I just looked back at some posts from last year to see if I had made any resolutions (knowing full well that I had probably accomplished 0% of them) only to find that... huh. Nope. Apparently made no resolutions last year.

Also, in reading back over some posts from last January I can see how some people would come to the conclusion that I'm the worlds most heinous bitch. I probably need to spend less time griping and more time focusing on the good stuff in my life, huh? That's probably a good resolution; find something to be grateful for every day. Ok, I can live with that.

There are a lot of things I'm grateful for today... a job I enjoy... Jedi... Jedi having the day off and deciding he wanted to spend the day cleaning the house while I'm at work...a good friend starting a new relationship with a guy...scary/exciting growth challenges at work (I'm co-running a weekend workshop)...

Ooo! Also, totally superficial, but I am MAJORLY excited and grateful that Jedi and I found gold charger plates for the wedding at wal-mart! (You would also be shocked at how many times I asked for Gold Charger Plates and I was directed to the electronics department. Sheesh!) Guess how much we paid for them?! $1.25 for a set of FOUR! They were on super-dee-duperty Christmas clearance and we got majorly lucky and found 108 plates. Not bad for $33.75, huh?

I am also grateful that when we went to the midwest to visit my mother over Christmas everyone got along and it went smoothly. I don't know-- maybe I'm mellowing in my old age, or maybe my mother is, but we seem to be ok these days.

I am now going to steal Perpetua's New Year Questionnaire:
(And I swear, any answers of mine that bear a marked resemblance to hers are purely coincidental. But, I think that's why I like her blog so much-- she says, more eloquently than I do--what I'm thinking, much of the time.)

1. What did you do in 2010 that you’ve often done, more times than you’d like to admit?
In addition the the reality TV watching (um, see perpetua's answer. Ditto.) I've probably taken WAY too many naps. I love a good nap. Nothing makes me happier than napping. There's something so decadent about it, and/but it's free! (Also, while it might be partially laziness, I do seem to have some sort of weird vitamin deficiency that the doctor keeps trying to figure out. No joke-- I take 83,333% more than the daily recommended value (that's not a typo) of B-12 and Vitamin D, and I'm still off-the-charts low in it. They think that's why I'm so tired all the time. All I know is that I could really use another nap.)

2. Why didn’t you keep your new year’s resolutions?
Well, I didn't make any resolutions last year, probably because I knew I wouldn't keep them. So, I guess you could say that I *did* in fact keep my resolutions?

3. Did anyone close to you give birth to something other than a baby?
Well, a lot of my friends finished their dissertations. I have a couple of friends who are pretty close to getting a film deal (last I heard.) And I have a friend who put on an art exhibit.

Yes. I am in fact terribly jealous of all of them.

4. Did anyone close to you kill someone?
Um, no. And we'll say, "THANK GOD" for that one since Jedi got into a car accident over Christmas break. He's ok, but he broke someone's leg... he was pretty upset and shaken up over it, but it could have been a lot worse.

5. What states of disgrace did you visit?
(I'll just steal Perpetua's answers for this one.)
Overeating (OE), Helpless Rage (HR), Bitter Wallowing (BW), Snarkiness (SN), Internet Stalking (IS)

6. What would you like to have in 2011 that you also had in 2010?
Jedi. Hopefully he'll stick around. Even though I'm an annoying harpy.

7. Etch-a-sketch your memories, or put them in a Trapper-Keeper?
Why would anyone want an etch-a-sketch memory? Those things disappear. (Well, except for those ones they break, which someone maintain their sketchiness. But then, who would want a broken etch-a-sketch for a memory.)

8. Fashion sense. Do you have one yet?
Hmmm... I think I do. Or, well, I seem to have developed my own style anyway. It seems that people see something and think it's "So [ME]" I *think* this is a good thing, but the jury is still out. The only person who doesn't seem to have gotten the memo is my mother, since she keeps trying to dress me like HER. Since she is 6 feet tall, willowy, and small-breasted she keeps trying to dress me in leggings and tunics and belted things. Since I am 5'7, stumpy, and massively endowed, this is not a look that works well. But, I think I've found my look (old fashioned, 40's/50's silhouettes) and I'm learning to rock it.

9. It’s New Year’s Eve. A duck and a hippo walk into a bar. Discuss.
Huh? What's do discuss? How bad your taste in jokes is? On that topic, what do you call a fish with no "i." Nevermind, that one doesn't work when it's written down. But trust me, it's hilarious!

8. If you measured your year by achievements and failures, would you weigh more or less?
Are you asking if I'm fat? Do I look fat? cause I'm still feeling kinda fat. Since that's a failure, would that mean I weigh less? Cause failures are minuses, right? Yeah, we'll go with that. I'm a svelte, svelte failure, baby!

9. Biggest fear last year?
Losing my job. Keeping my job. Getting a new job that's just a temporary job.

10. Did you buy a lot of stuff?
Probably more than I need, but less than I want.

11. Squirrels and mice really can crawl through your pipes and into the toilet. It’s not an urban legend. What do you do? WHAT DO YOU DO?

Um, flush again? And hope those suckers drown? I'm more worried about snakes... because snakes in toilets are basilisks doing Voldemort's bidding. On the other hand, if I saw a snake in my toilet it would probably mean I'd found the Chamber of Secrets, and that would be pretty cool.
12. Did you play the lotto? Did you win?
I love playing the lottery, I really do. When I buy a lottery ticket I feel like I'm not just buying a ticket, but for $1 I've bought hope. It's actually a pretty euphoric feeling. In that moment there are endless possibilities and the world is my oyster.

Ok, sure, then I lose. But hey, for $1 it's a quicker & cheaper fix for my bad mood than therapy!

13. You’re forced at gunpoint to dance a jig. What song is playing?
The Devil Went Down to Georgia.

14. Happier, thinner, richer, or Sadder, fatter, poorer?
Um, all of the above? It's been kind of a yo-yo year. More good than bad though, can't complain.

15. If you could give up television, would you give up television?
Honestly, probably not. I know I'm addicted to it-- not even in the sense of "Oh, I MUST MUST MUST watch that show!" (Which is totally the case for things like "Teen Mom.") but rather in the sense that I need background noise whenever I'm doing anything else around the house. I don't like music (I know, I'm weird, but I don't.) I don't like DVDs (Something about the predictability of knowing what's coming. I find it distracting.) Having news or a talk show or reality tv on in the background is just the right level of distraction that allows me to actually get things done.

16. See any good movies lately?
You know what I find sad? Good movies that didn't find an audience for whatever particular reason. I just saw "Red" recently, and while it wasn't Oscar worthy it was certainly a pretty damn good time. In fact, I think I'll probably get it on DVD, and I hardly ever get movies on DVD.

17. If you had to open either an elephant store or a cupcake store in 2011, which would you choose?
Well, cupcakes are SO over. As a side note, am I the only one who finds that show on TLC - "DC Cupcakes (or whatever) to be SO grating? And I usually find cake shows soothing. There's something about those two sisters though that is just so... "trying too hard,"... yanno? They're just playing to the cameras way too much and their concoctions do not seem very inspired. They're no Ace of Cakes, I'll tell you that.

Anyhoo- Cupcakes are done. Flan is where it's at now.

18. Are you living in the future or the past?
Trying to get out of the past. Trying to let the future take care of itself (lilies of the fields, and all that.) Just attempting to live in the "Now."

Happy New Year to one and all. May it bring untold delights, love, accomplishing of goals, fulfilling of dreams, unexpected wonderment, and much joy to me & mine and you & yours.

All I want for Christmas is more closet space

2010-12-22T09:22:00.000-08:00

Jedi got a B in Math and an A in English this term! Yippee! (Certainly better than the "F" in English he got last winter!)

I am much relieved and I hope he keeps this up for the winter term. I know the winter term will be tough because he's taking 3 classes (he normally takes two, but now his work schedule is only 4 days a week) and one of them is online. The online one will be tough-- the course he stumbled on last winter was an online course-- because I think Jedi needs regular interaction with the professor to fee connected to the course.

It's really too bad because it would be a GREAT thing if he could do more online courses. We live in podunksville and he has to drive 45min each way to get to school (community college.) We also live in the northeast and so, as you can guess, weather is not great in the winter. I'm always afraid he's going to go off the road-- esp. since he grew up in the South and is not used to driving in the snow. He's still not very confident driving in it.

If he goes on to get his BA, which he wants to do, he'll have to go to a school that's at least 1hour-1 1/2hours away-- one way. If he could take online courses instead of driving that would be fantastic, but I'm worried his grades would suffer. We'll see-- the class he's taking this winter will be an experiment of sorts.

In other news... we still haven't won the lottery! Shocker, I know... but unless we win (or somehow get $20k a year raises) we're pretty stuck for the time being in my condo. My condo would be big... if we lived in Manhattan. For some reason though, we have Manhattan prices in the middle of nowhere. (Actually, I know why we have crazy prices-- the local University & Hospital are basically the only major employers in our area. This gives us lots of doctors, professors, and retired Alumni. They have money... the rest of us who do staff work, or work at the bookstore, or local diner... do not.) So, if you want to live in close proximity to work, you pay CRAZY housing prices. (No joke-- I pay more for my studio apartment here than I did in PARIS.)

Sure, there are cheaper places to live a bit farther away--- and super cheap places if you want to live an hour away (which MANY people do)-- but to me it's not worth the quality of life trade off. Not to mention the dangerous driving conditions 1/2 the year, and it's not really appealing to me.

This has just been bothering me lately because Jedi and I are bursting at the seams in my tiny 600 sq foot place. I only have one closet and the doors keep coming off the rails because there's way too much crap in it. And it's not because we're extravagant and HAVE massive amounts of crap (I think), it's just normal life/living stuff.

And so, I've been perusing the real estate ads (this is a general hobby of mine anyway) with real lust. And there are some deals to be had with the various short-sales and real estate market decline. (To give you an example, Npapaya paid $5000 less for her 2 bed condo next door to mine this year than I paid for my studio 4 years ago.)

There's a house I'm in LOVE with at the moment. On the outside it doesn't look like much, but inside it's STUNNING. And it's got views of the river and is only 6 min away from work. It's $200k, which is a STEAL in this area. (Well, actually, it's a foreclosure.)

The problem is, at this point, $200k, might as well be $200 million-- that's how unattainable it is. There really is no possible way we could pay that mortgage, those heating bills, plowing (a necessity up here), electricity... and then life's essentials, like food & clothing & doctor visits.

I just find this maddening because I feel like it's such a modest dream and yet I don't see how this would be possible for us. I know other people manage! How do they manage?

I was even looking at some other condos in our area that are being sold and that are comparatively cheap. Even those are out of our range... and they are in no way a "dream" for me, so even though they would be a bit more space than we have now, I know we would quickly outgrow them and I'd soon be looking at a house like the one above.

I don't know what we need to do to get to that point. I thought I was on the right track. When I got my new job I did get a raise. I had calculated that I would be bringing home $300 more a month, which to me is enormous. What I didn't take into account was the fact that our health insurance is on a sliding scale, which means that I'm actually only bringing in $67 more per month. It makes me want to tear my hair out! What do we need to do to get ahead?! And yes, I'm putting pennies away for retirement, but they're just that! Pennies! Or, about $150 a month. It's all I can really afford, and it's certainly not the $500 a month that Suze Orman would probably suggest.

Anyway... I know in this season of Christmas i have a LOT to be grateful for. Don't get me wrong, I KNOW that. Friends, Family, Jedi, a roof, heat, a job I enjoy, food on my table. And I am very grateful for it. I know my administrative assistant is having to go to the food bank and get her presents from the thrift store. (I'm anonymously sending her gift cards to the local grocery store... I wish I could do more.) So yes, I get it. I know there are people who are much worse off than I am. However, it does make me very covetous when I see the standard "middle class" existence seeming so far out of my reach.

And so, I keep playing the lottery in the hopes that one day I'll be able to have a second closet, because right now that seems like the only way it's ever going to happen.

Ho! Ho! Ho! Merry Christmas!

10 things I love about you

2010-12-16T10:31:00.000-08:00

Now, without further ado... 10 things I love about Jedi

1) He loves me. (Is that cheating to put this up here? Maybe... I don't care!) Jedi is so overwhelming in his love that it's impossible for me not to be sure of it. Every word, every action reassures me. And yes I do need that reassurance. Because of my own upbringing I find it so hard to believe that anyone could love me -just as I am-- and I still find it astonishing that he does. When I'm sick, and grumpy, and haven't showered in 3 days... amazingly, he still loves me.

2) He's a boyscout. Literally (he's an eagle scout!) and metaphorically. He has such a strong moral compass... (and fortunately that compass wasn't all tuned by the BSA either... He's a complete believer in equality for lgbt folks.) That's not to say he can't see things in shades of grey-- but let me also say that one of my favorite things to do with him is watch reality tv shows. He gets morally indignant every time some idiot on Teen Mom won't stop playing the video games and go change a diaper. (In fact, he was even more indignant when the same idiot went and bought a video game system instead of diapers... coming from a hard-core gamer who has about 6 systems, I think that's a pretty good indication his priorities are still in order. :-)

3) He is very resilient. I know he probably wouldn't characterize himself this way, but I think it's true. He had a pretty rough start in life. His mom remarried and her husband adopted Jedi, but he's had a lot of conflicts with his adopted dad. His dad loves him, I know, but I think he was often jealous of the amount of time Darth would spend on Jedi and would take it out on him. I've seen them interact even recently and this dynamic comes out. There have been times Vader has been physical with Jedi, slamming him against a wall, nearly coming to blows. I bring all that up only to say that in such circumstances a lot of people would have turned mean and angry and violent themselves. Jedi took the opposite route.

4) He is a very gentle spirit. I know, that may sound weird. Men aren't supposed to be gentle, are they? Phooey. And they say it's the feminists who hate men when it's the anti-feminists who impose the tough-guy persona on men. In many ways he reminds me of my grandmother. There is something about both of them that is very calming and soothing-- just their very presence. I tend to be very heated, quick to anger, but Jedi can calm me like no one other than my grandmother can do.

5) He's a snappy dresser. Superficial, but it's true! He's got kind of an old soul and that's reflected in his dressing, I think. He has a fondness for things like fedoras and pin stripe suits. And he looks smoking hot in them. :-)

6) He loves to clean and organize. Let's just say that the two of us are like Oscar & Felix. How he manages to live with my disorder, I don't know. I have to give him credit-- and thank his incredible patience. But the truth is he LOVES it. I don't think he can think of a better way to spend his time than reorganizing something. He's constantly asking my permission-- "Can I reorganize the cupboards!?" "Can I reorganize the DVDs?"... I enjoy doing my part to keep him happy and giving him lots of things to organize ;-p And, I always tell him, "This is your house too. Reorganize whatever you want." Because I'm a giver ... ;-P

7) He's a great brother. He and his sister have a fantastic relationship and he really looks out for her and protects her. (Very different from my own childhood where it was more like Lord of the Flies...) (I do have to point out though that it's kind of easy to be a good brother to his sister since his sister is one of the sweetest girls I've ever met. ha.)

8) He has a good work ethic. He slogged away at a job for several years that he hated. He could have just quit and played video games all day, but he didn't. He's struggled quite a bit with school, going to 3 different ones in the past 4 years... but he's not given up and he's almost completed his degree. I know I complain a lot about him playing video games-- and I know he uses it all to procrastinate a lot-- but the truth is that he does what he needs to do in order to be responsible.

9) He gives without counting. He doesn't just do this with me-- he does it with everyone. I do think he inherited this trait from his parents. He helped someone he hardly knew put in floors and drywall. He gives random people rides home from his school. He helps acquaintances move from a an apartment with no elevator and 4 flights of stairs. He never does anything in the spirit of selfishness-- he is, next to my grandmother, the most unselfish person I've ever met.

10) All the little things... bringing me tea when I wake up... remembering special dates (which I always forget)... being able to finish my sentences... not even minding my grumpy early morning alter-ego... going out of his way to find a certain book I'd been wanting... bringing me lunch... letting me drive his car (most precious possession!) ... insisting I drive his (safer) car during bad weather... remembering my favorite chocolates... always telling me I'm beautiful... always making me feel like I'm the most important person in the world.

Well, ok, maybe I fudged a little. That might be more than 10.

I hope I make him feel the same way. He says I do... but I also know that he is a fundamentally better person than I am. I know I'm a very lucky girl. Sure, there are things about him that drive me nuts too... but in the end, those don't really matter. In the end I sure am lucky to end up with him.

and more...

2010-12-16T08:35:00.000-08:00

I said I would share things I love about Jedi, and I will, but before I do I wanted to clarify another point from down below.

Ramses read the blog and said that to him it sounded like I was planning on NEVER talking to Darth again. That is not the case-- nor was it ever. I just didn't want to talk to her until I had cooled down and could talk to her without shouting. So, for any of you who were confused by that, I hope that clears things up.

I'm actually meeting with her tonight-- although, interestingly enough, at this point it's Jedi who is still angry with her. When I said I was going to see her he was basically like, "Let her stew. We can talk to her in January when we get back from the trip." Which, frankly, I don't think is a wise idea. But I did find it interesting, considering that Jedi is the most even-keeled and forgiving person I know, that he would want to hold a grudge.

Slice of Life

2010-12-13T17:06:00.000-08:00

That's all a blog is. It's a slice of life. It's also a pretty public journal in which I vent and kvetch about life.

It's a lot easier to write when you have something to kvetch about... and so this slice of life is pretty narrow. The joys and good things don't make an appearance as much as they should, probably. For example, I recall telling you that Jedi was unhappy with his job and desperately looking for a new one SEVERAL times... and yet after he got a (wonderful!) new job I don't think I mentioned it until he'd already been at it for a few weeks. Oops! My bad.

That's not to say that I wasn't overjoyed when he got it. That's not to say that I'm not overjoyed with all the good things in my life... it's just easier to write about the bad/annoying things.

Yeah, I just complained about my future MIL. I may have given the impression that I dislike her. In fact, I probably gave the impression pretty forcefully. That's natural. I'm pretty mad right now. But I don't dislike her. In fact, I like her quite a bit. And so, in the interest of fairness, let me enumerate her many wonderful qualities.

1) She's a wonderful mother. She really is. Yes, in many circumstances I find her to be over protective and coddling of her kids (certainly different from my own growing-up experiences), but that's only because she cares so damn much. She's made a lot of tough decisions in her life made exclusively with her children's welfare in mind. Whereas I have spent my entire life doubting whether or not my mother really loves me I know that Jedi has never had a shadow of a doubt. Her love is an all enveloping thing.

2) She's incredibly thoughtful. She invites people she barely knows over to her house. She makes their favorite foods. She accommodates special request, she always fusses over how people are doing, she tries to be as inclusive as possible. She hardly knew me at all last Christmas and yet she made me feel like I was intimately part of the family. She welcomed me with open arms.

3) She is genuinely concerned about things like racism and social justice. She acknowledges that she's not as knowledgeable about such things as as she'd like to be and she actively tries to learn more, since it's only since starting her job 3 years ago that she's been exposed to these issues. She's very concerned about her students and strives to make them feel welcome.

4) She's a wonderful daughter. By all accounts her mother is a terribly difficult person (though it's not something I've personally experienced, though I'm told I need only wait.). Her mother is racist, and mean and selfish and a bully.. (um, ringing a bell, anonymous commentator? I could tell you some stories about what it looks like when someone is actually those things), and yet Darth deals with her lovingly, with patience, and with care.

5) She's a wonderful friend. She's the type of person you can call on at 3am to pick you up when you're stranded in the middle of nowhere. She's the friend you call on when you need someone to help you host a party. She's the friend who takes in a homeless dog. She's the friend who doesn't give up hope or support for the friend who is in an abusive relationship. She's the friend who volunteers for everything. She's the friend who buys the perfect Christmas present because she heard you mention that you liked it 6 months ago. She's the friend whose home is always open and whose refrigerator is always full. She's always there when you need her and she never asks anything in return.

6) Superficially, she has excellent taste. Her house looks like a pottery barn catalog... on 1/10th the budget. Which leads me to point 7...

7) She's frugal! 8) And industrious! She (and Vader, to be fair) take on daunting projects all the time. Painting, sanding, building lamps out of spare parts, hand-making gifts... her home is always impeccable (though she always claims it's a mess).

9) She's generous. Not just with things, which to my mind, are easy enough to be generous with. She's generous with her time and her skills. She didn't think twice about helping me and Jedi refinish and paint cabinets-- which took about 5x the amount of time and labor we had estimated. Never once did she complain or bargain and say, "If I do this, then you do XYZ."

10) She's the good kind of Christian. She lives by the golden rule. She is open minded. She lives simply and in kindness, always striving to do good. She never thinks of what she can acquire for herself, but what she can give to others.

... I could go on... Perhaps at some point I will... But 10 things I like about my future MIL. That's 2 more than the things I'm angry about. And this is what goes on in the background. This is the little slice of life that you, dear readers and commentators, don't see enough of.

I may be, at times, alternately selfish, childish, a bully, judgmental, etc. At times I may have been all of those things. But that too is just a tiny slice. I like to think those aren't my overwhelming characteristics since there are some people who seem to find my presence tolerable. (But what say you, readers I know in real life? Are you all masochists, which is the reason you hang out with me?)

This little slice of the internet is my own corner where I can work out my issues. Since there are often no commentators on any posts it's easy enough to imagine I'm writing for myself in my own journal. And so, I know the full background of any issues and situations, though you may not.

I enjoy the commentators though because you do often prompt me to look at things in a new way.

Similarly, I realize that it probably seems as though I'm holding the "wedding" as some sort of ransom tool to get my way in things. (For Jedi's grades? Yeah, I"ll cop to that. I totally am-- Only because I do not feel that goofing off and playing video games instead of studying is a "grown up" thing to do... and I refuse to marry someone who is not a grown up. He's stepped up to the plate, which is all I've asked of him. I don't think it's an unreasonable request-- much in the same way that someone else might make "hold down a job" an ultimatum to prove that a partner is responsible enough to take on marriage.)

My issues with getting married have as much to do with my own familial issues which I've only briefly touched on in this blog. Rest assured that there is 20+ years of traumatizing experiences that say "MARRIAGE IS BAD" to me. So, for me to have gotten to the place where I have a DATE on which I'm going to get married is a big fucking deal.

And so, again, I want to point out that my waffling on marriage is NOT because I'm waffling about Jedi. It's because certain situations/events are things that I find triggering and cause a resurgence of doubts that tell me to run away as fast as I can. It's taken about 6+ years of therapy to get to the point where I can stand still and let someone love me the way that Jedi does.

And so, again, all you're seeing here is a very brief slice which surely make it seem like I not only have cold feet but that I have my feet permanently encased in ice. I get that. It's certainly easier to write about those times I have doubt than all the times Jedi has made me feel loved, and secure, and as though the only right thing in the universe would be for us to be together forever. (But then again that's pretty schmaltzy, and who wants to read about schmaltz?)

Then again, perhaps tomorrow I'll enumerate all the reasons I'm with Jedi and why I love him and truly want to be with him. And that too will only be one small slice.

Comment response

2010-12-13T15:51:00.000-08:00

Because blogger will not let me post this response to a comment (as it's too large) I'm posting it here.

L-

Judgmental? Really? When you see only a small segment of my life and pass this judgment on me?

Interestingly enough I am actually fairly thin-skinned and so to be called childish, self-centered, and a bully might, under ordinary circumstances, be something that would bother me if I felt there was a basis to it... and yet, I feel not a twinge of guilt-- because I know these accusations are ridiculous.

Oh, sure, I recognize that I have certainly been those things in various other circumstances in my life, yet with introspection I can honestly say those don't apply in this situation.

So let me address your points one by one, oh anonymous commentator:

1) I do in fact take responsibility for my own part. I said as much. I apologized to Jedi's mother numerous times for the jokes I made. (I may say to you, anonymous internets, that I still find the jokes funny, but I am sincerely sorry I hurt her feelings. I apologized several times for this.) Anyone who was present when I made those jokes (and people who were there were laughing and making comments as well) would be hard pressed to label them as "intentionally cruel," I think. Especially since Jedi's mother was the one who started off by saying she found Tom creepy...

2) Yes, really, I initiated our "conversation" via text. Because that is in fact how we usually converse because... Da da dum! Darth's phone has been on the fritz for a month ever since she dropped it in water. Only the text function is still working and she doesn't want to spend the money to get a new phone. (And they don't have a house phone.) NOW who's the judgmental one...?

3)She did actually give me her side of the story in the email she sent me. I accept the fact that she felt uncomfortable and disrespected by the jokes and I APOLOGIZED for it. The side of the story I don't agree with are spelled out in points 1-8. This didn't need to get where it is, this could have been halted at joke #1 because, as unfeeling as you seem to find me, I actually DO FEEL BAD about hurting her feelings. Sincerely.

3a) I find it suspect that NOW she wants to talk after having been unwilling to address the issue when it came up.. and the week in between. She had AMPLE opportunities to talk. She's the one who went about this in a roundabout way. I don't want to talk at the moment because (as you may be able to tell from the heated nature of my previous post) I do not trust myself not to do more damage to the relationship until I cool down. I am not cooled down. Why would I rush to talk when it would only make things worse?

4)I think point 3a- about not calling her until I've cooled down-- actually shows a pretty good ability to temper my behaviour to the people in my life. I agree I shouldn't "shout my mouth off [sic]" WHICH IS WHY I'M NOT CURRENTLY TALKING TO HER.

5) Touche on the throwing the wedding around part. Frankly I'm NOT sure about the wedding... however, I AM sure about Jedi. There is a significant distinction. I don't need a wedding to know I want to be with Jedi for the long term. However, weddings mean joining FAMILIES and the issues involved. Nothing is perfect but there are some issues I don't necessarily want to take on either. A "wedding" definitely makes those issues MINE.

I'd be curious as to which other entries lead you to your conclusions. You have also made assumptions that I didn't ask people about their motivations. Um. Wrong.

Additionally, I have never said I was blameless and it wasn't my intention to portray that I was. I said that the jokes I made were ones I probably shouldn't have. I think I've been pretty clear about owning up and apologizing for that.

However, the issues go beyond this one incident. I'm actually pretty introspective and I recognize that I only helped inflame the situation in this instance by insisting on not dropping the issue when Jedi's mother wanted to drop it. I did that because I felt that the usual MO of brushing things aside is not productive. I'd rather get the air cleared now than live with brushing things under the rug for 50 years.

I've also asked Jedi to be very honest with me and tell me if he thinks I'm off base. Our relationship is such that he DOES feel comfortable telling me when I'm wrong-- he's told me so in other situations in fact, situations in which I believed I was completely correct-- and in those cases I've reexamined my behaviour and realized that I was in the wrong, and apologized, and changed my behaviour accordingly..

In this particular case Jedi (who I will admit, is a much better person than I am) believes his parents are very much in the wrong. Frankly, if I had any doubt about my "rightness" (Not blamelessness-- two very different things) the fact that he feels the same way I do would assuage that.

I also want to add that this is not actually about "proving" my "rightness"-- If that was what it is I would quit right now. This is about not wanting to have the same pattern of behaviour for all my future interactions with Darth. I don't want to have passive aggressive interactions with her forever -- but that's the way she deals with conflict. All I want is for her to take a look at where this incident went off the rails-- and it went off the rails when she made the choice not to speak with me directly.

NO, I haven't asked Jedi to intervene or to not see his parents or anything of the sort (he's seeing them tonight as a matter of fact.) I would never interfere with his relationship with them, nor would I want to. I want him to have a loving and caring relationship with them. However, he's told me that he's had many similar issues with his mother due to her passive way of dealing with conflict and that he understands why I feel the way I do.

So, sorry random internet commentator-- Jedi's opinion matters more to me than yours. When he starts thinking I'm a self-centered childish bully, well, then I'll start to worry.

Is Paris Worth a Mass?

2010-12-13T13:11:00.000-08:00

I'm having a fight with Jedi's mother... (And by extension I suppose, his father.) Have I nicknamed them yet? Hmmm... Perhaps I shouldn't nickname them while I'm in foul mood. But, I mean, after all, if Jedi is Jedi... shouldn't his parents be Darth Vader and whats-her-name? (Actually, Jedi's ringtone for his mother is the imperial death march that's the Dum Dum Dum from Star Wars...) So, I suppose it's appropriate to dub them Darth (mom) and Vader (dad). Let's go with that, huh?

It's kinda funny, because I've never had an issue with his parents before. I mean, anyone would tell you that they're the nicest people, but right now I'm just so angry with them that I just want to say to hell with it for the wedding. I just keep thinking-- do I really want to be shackled with these people for the rest of my life? Sure, Paris is worth a mass... but is Jedi?

Ok, ok, yes, I'm being melodramatic as is my wont, and it's this same flair that got me into trouble in the first place. So, here's a little background to catch up up quickly:

Vader reconnected with an old friend of his --we'll call him Tom-- on facebook. They hadn't seen each other in 20 years and then suddenly, within a few days of reconnecting Vader unilaterally invited them to come up and visit. Tom then invited himself to stay overnight for 2-3 nights.

Now, when Darth related this story to me she did so laughingly but also in saying that she was annoyed that Vader had invited them without asking her, and that she found it weird and creepy that they were staying 3 days, these people were virtual strangers, etc. On top of that both this guy and his wife have been unemployed for a long time. I told her she should stand up for herself, grow a spine etc... (laughingly, mind you! But I stand by it!) and then made some further jokes about how they were probably grifters who were coming to live with them to take over their lives and that I better send Jedi over that weekend to make sure they were still alive. Darth laughed & agreed and we went about our merry ways.

The Monday after the weekend I happened to be at Darth's office (if you recall, we all work in the same place, which is how I met Jedi-- Blind date set up by Darth's boss Ramses.) I decided to stay for lunch and people were talking about what they did over the weekend. Darth mentioned her visitors and I made another joke about how they were lucky they hadn't been killed and how Tom totally looked shady in his pictures. I had his picture on my phone (through facebook) and I handed it to Ramses and I joked, "Doesn't he look like he belongs on "To Catch a Predator" or something?" (BTW readers, he TOTALLY does. The joke may have been in poor taste (ymmv, I didn't think so) but I stand by my assertion that he would fit right in on this page. Even if perhaps I shouldn't have said so.) Well, Darth laughed (even though she's now claiming she didn't,) and said, "You're so silly," and the conversation moved on and that was it. Or so I thought. Hell, we even went and looked at wedding invitations after that! Darth seemed totally normal and in good cheer. (***make note of this because it's where my major source of ire comes in.)

Well, several days later (because this happened on a MONDAY, mind you) Jedi is at his parents' house and his dad comes up to him and tells him that "Hypatia has really upset me/us with what she's been saying. It's totally inappropriate... she exaggerates... It's really upset Darth... You need to have a talk with her (*note source # 2 of my ire)... we're very angry... etc." Jedi got out of there pretty quickly he said because he didn't want a confrontation and also, didn't have much knowledge of what was going on in the first place.

Jedi comes home and now HE'S all upset because of what his dad said and also because his dad apparently intimated that he would withdraw his support for the wedding.

Well... fuck this. I was livid. Do I really need to itemize the reasons I'm angry? Please tell me I'm a reasonable person and that you would be angry about this too. Why am I angry? Let me count the ways:

#1) If Darth was upset she could have simply pulled me aside and said, "Actually, what you said made me uncomfortable and I'd appreciate it if you could stop that." Result? I would have apologized and we would have been on our merry way.

#2) Darth in no way every indicated or let on that she was *so* upset. I'm not a fucking mind reader.

#3) Not only did she not in anyway indicate that she was upset, she acted as if everything was fine. AGAIN, I'm not a fucking mind reader.

#4) She didn't address me directly. Instead, she went roundabout and had the "menfolk" deal with it. How fucking passive aggressive. I learned how to deal with my issues head on in 2nd grade. Apparently she missed the memo.

#5) The whole thing with Vader sure seemed a lot like he was telling Jedi, "You'd better control your woman." Darth is totally passive and submissive, but I sure as hell am not. (and PS- Jedi LIKES it that way.)

#6) Jedi is now upset and drawn into this, which was totally unnecessary.

and... #7) This one requires a bit of background.
I made comments to Darth a few times about, "I wonder what you say about me when I'm not around." She was pretty offended and exclaimed, "I'd never say anything bad about you." (yeah, that's the side-eye I'm giving my gentle readers through the screen.) I brought it up a couple more times... each time she was very offended.

But, um, duh. Do you think I might have a REASON to think she does so? Like, maybe the fact that she is all sweet to a co-worker she can't stand? Hell! She gives her a ride to work sometimes, she even gave her an award and talked about what a great employee she is... and yet, to me, talks all the time about how she can't stand her. She does similar things with her mother, her best friend, acquaintances... Why the fuck would I think I'm somehow immune to that? I didn't.

Don't get me wrong-- I don't think Darth does this maliciously-- I think she's just venting, like we all vent. THE DIFFERENCE is that Darth really is very passive. She hates conflict and so never addresses issues head on. It makes me roll my eyes to even write that because I cannot stand people who complain about shit yet never do anything to make it better. There's a difference between venting and trying to manipulate people into doing your own dirty work. (In this case, Vader confronting Jedi so that Jedi would confront me, so that Darth wouldn't have to confront me herself. ew.)

Frankly, this is so different from my own modus operandi I hardly know how to react to someone like this. I'm very straightforward (ok, confrontational), in-your-face, I don't mince words. Now to most people (aka my soon to be MIL) these are not only undesirable traits but in the same way I don't know what to make of her, she doesn't know what to make of me, I think.

In my own family we're a crazy loud bunch of yellers-- which, ok, probably isn't so healthy either-- but at least you know where you stand with people. With Darth I don't feel like I know where I stand because she's fundamentally not honest about what she's feeling. And I have a major hard time dealing with that.

Like, seriously-- how am I supposed to intuit that I've upset you? Just speak the fuck up already!

Frankly, if Darth wasn't Jedi's mother she'd probably be a friendly acquaintance at best because I feel like (while not intentional or malicious... I know it's just how she copes) I can never trust her to be honest with me.

So... anyway... Darth and I went back and forth over text and then email a few times (She tried calling me, but as I said, I come from a family of yellers and I know I could not have kept myself from yelling at her which certainly wouldn't have helped matters-- so I opted to write an email instead.)

In her email she also mentioned that she was upset that I had said that she needed to stand up for herself and get a spine. (Again, I stand by it!)... But this gets to another issue-- #8) The fact that every time we go back and forth about this it turns out there's something else that comes out that she's upset about. And so, while this is ostensibly about this particular incident, I also think that it's about the untold number of times that I've upset her in the past year and that she hasn't felt comfortable saying something. Which, again, is fucking annoying. And, also-- It's not my responsibility to know when you're mad.

I feel like there should be a statute of limitations to how long you can be annoyed about something that you haven't fucking had the guts to confront someone about. Why should it be that other person's problem? Especially if you're going around and acting as sweet as peaches and cream to that person! How on earth is that person supposed to know?

In the email I basically... pretty much... laid it out for her as I did here. Including-- yes-- the part about how I don't feel I can trust her because she's not honest about how she feels and she is two-faced about other people as well.

Ok, so maybe that wasn't the most conciliatory thing to say, but at this point I don't give a flying fuck. (Have I mentioned that a few times? I think I have.) And frankly, it's the truth.

She wrote back to say that what I wrote was very hurtful and that she wouldn't discuss this over email or the phone, but only in person.

You should be proud of me for not writing back, "The Truth Hurts."

Frankly, I don't really feel like discussing this in person. If she thought I was hurtful in person I know she just be even more hurt by my yelling. I also feel like I said what I needed to say... but that I also know she's not going to change. I mean, she's gone 50 years sweeping things under the rug. What's another 50 more, amirite? Bleh.

I know I should just suck it up, apologize, let her sweep it under the rug and let things go back to being peaches & cream... but... I just can't. I know I should, for Jedi's sake, but I just can't.

Because? Well, frankly, I haven't married him yet. And I don't fancy spending the next 50 years of my life dealing with this passive aggressive bullshit. I say lance the wound rather than letting it fester.

Getting married is important to Jedi. If we have to put off the wedding until his mom gets her shit in order? Well, it may not happen. But right now I don't fancy dealing with someone I can never be sure is being honest with me and with whom I can never be sure my words and actions won't be held against me in ways I won't know about until it blows up.

Fuck. My family has enough issues of their own. I don't want to sign up to take on these issues too. I've had enough therapy to sort out problems stemming from my family. I really can't, for my own mental health, add other people's bullshit to my own.

What say you, wise and worldly readers?

I can't get no satisfaction

2010-12-01T09:09:00.000-08:00

What is WRONG with me?

No, seriously... (well... maybe not. Maybe I don't want an answer to that.)

Everything in my life at the moment (knock on wood) is coming up roses.

I have a great new job (that will-- knock on wood--become an officially permanent one... otherwise I'll be SOL come July) that is much more fulfilling that my last one. It's also much more relaxing. I have a really great boss (who will, sadly, not be my boss come July--her choice to move on), I feel respected, I feel valued, I'm treated like a grown up-- (unlike these poor women who work for the world's worst boss.), I'm told I have future opportunities for professional growth.

I have Jedi in my life-- the kindest and most thoughtful person I've ever met. Jedi has a great new job which has helped his health issues.

The wedding planning is going along well... things are (mostly) within budget. Think I may even have a reasonably priced honeymoon location.

I have my health, I have a roof over my head, (knock on wood!!!)...

There's nothing wrong... and yet, somehow, there's something wrong with me.

I'm just so dissatisfied for no reason at all. Really! Not a single reason that I can think of for being dissatisfied! (well, other than I would like a larger closet. But other than that...)

And yet, I look around at my life thinking-- "Is this all there is?"

I know that some of this stems with my annoyance with myself in regards to my writing project. What--other than myself-- is keeping me from actually doing it? What's kept me from doing it the last 10 years? What will keep me from doing it 10 years from now?

Five years ago I actually wrote out a contract with myself promising that I would have not one--but THREE-- completed manuscripts by July of 2010.

Heh. You can guess how that deadline fared. While I do want to give myself a deadline for this new project I worry that it will have the same fate.

What's that old definition of insanity again...? Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. *sigh*

I know I would feel better if I could just start getting something on the page. I've felt, for a long time, that it's something that is important to me in my life.

Well, if it's so important, what's keeping me from doing it.

I know I CAN do it.

There are people who say, "what you're afraid of isn't failure, it's success."

Um. No. Sorry. Bullshit. I don't believe that. I'm looking forward to success :-) I just worry I won't be successful. I'm afraid I won't have the stamina or drive to get there.

You always hear stories about people like Steven King who wrote 30 manuscripts and got rejected 400 times before making it big. Yea. well. I already know I don't have that kind of drive. So, I am afraid of that.

However, before I get to the rejection stage I have to get past the writer's block stage. (And, can I even call it writer's block? I mean, I'm able to write semi-coherently on this blog just fine... in fact, the more i procrastinate the more I write here! Lucky you.) I just can't seem to get the ideas in my head down on paper and I can figure out what's stopping me and I have a feeling that this dissatisfaction with life in general won't be solved until I figure that out.

Just for fun

2010-12-01T07:07:00.000-08:00

I discovered a blog devoted to hilarious (and offensive!) nail polish names!

Have fun wasting your time and procrastinating.

Updated 103 days ago

2010-11-30T11:31:00.000-08:00

... or, My! How time flies!

... or, Fuckity, fuckity, fuckity, fuck!

Remember how, oh, probably about 103 days a go, give or take, I had said something along the lines of, "I really need to start writing regularly on that book I always say I'm going to work on..."

No? You don't remember?

Oh, well, apparently neither did I.

Well, ok, that isn't quite true... I've thought about writing numerous times. Believe me, I know that writing is a muscle that if not exercised (like my flabby behind) will atrophy. I can't even say that it's because of a lack of opportunity. Nope. Nuh-uh. I've found myself with more free time--in the last two months especially, having changed jobs to one that doesn't expect me to work every night and weekend-- and in being out of grad school-- than I have had in the past 3 years.

I'm kind of kicking myself since it's not like I've used that newly found free time to actually go to the gym or take an art class or take up cake decorating (um, maybe I should put that one on hold for awhile and stick to trying to go to the gym, huh?). I've definitely THOUGHT about writing. Like last night. I thought about it. Then I decided to check a few more blogs and fiddle around on the internet and watch a dvr'd episode of Oprah. (Have I mentioned that I could really use a new car, Oprah? That would be awesome!)

There's nothing like logging into google docs though to have your procrastination documented literally in front of your face. "Last updated 103 days ago." Eee gads! Even if I had only written one page per day (the very modest goal I set myself) that would mean I would have 103 more pages than I had 103 days ago. In a year I would have 365 pages and that's a whole damned book.

Oh, internets! How I disappoint myself!

Don't get me wrong-- it's not as though I think I somehow have the next great American novel in me or anything. No, I have no goal other than to write the next great trashy romance novel. Why? Because I love them-- I love the wonderful escapist fantasy of it, I love that everything works out in the end and the bad guys get their comeuppance... and I love that it's one of the most commercially successful genres and it's something I might actually be able to make a buck off. (As opposed to the great American novel which only my heirs would be able to make a buck off of once it becomes required reading in every high school in the country.)

That is- I could make a buck off of it if I ever got off my (flabby!) arse to write it! Come to think of it, I don't even need to get off my arse at all. And isn't that the whole appeal of writing?

I had tried to form a critique group with a couple of friends who are aspiring writers but that fell flat and then so did my motivation to get things written by certain deadlines.

So... any motivational ideas, interweb friends? If you come up with the winning solution I might just have to dedicate my (sure to be award winning) book to you!

(expedient) Feminist Convictions

2010-11-24T07:18:00.000-08:00

I have been accused of being negligent in my blogging duties. (Hi Camera girl.-- To which I pointed out, I am much more apt to blog when I get comments. Then I don't feel like I'm just talking to myself. I mean, I know there are more of you out there-- I have methods of finding out, you know.)

I would say that my lethargy is not limited simply to my blog posting-- it's extended itself into my work too. Oh, I get my stuff done... but I don't get additional stuff that I really should be getting done at some point started. Because, you know, it's not due tomorrow. Bad me! But hey, I get stuff done when it's due, and isn't that what really counts?

In the meantime let's talk about weddings and what a PITA they are, shall we? Hmmmm. So, I may have mentioned previously that I'm totally opposed to having my father walk me down the aisle. This does in fact stem from my feminist conviction that it is nothing more than a symbolic transfer of property from my father to my (soon to be) husband. Ick. Ew. Phooey. I protest mightily!

My grandmother was trying to convince me to reconsider by pointing out that it's important to my dad (who never has an opinion about anything, but has expressed an opinion about this. *sigh*) by saying, "I view it as a symbolic moving from my father's house to my husbands."

*Sigh* Also- Ick. Ew. Phooey.

Hell, if ANYONE is moving from their parents' house to their spouses' house it would be JEDI. Perhaps his parents should be walking HIM down the aisle?

I am also mightily opposed to a father/daughter dance because... Ick. Ew. Phooey.

One of the major reasons for all this-- in addition to my feminist convictions-- is that is just not the relationship I have with my father. It's the relationship he thinks we have, but it's not actually the one we have. I haven't lived with my dad since I was 3. There were no good night stories or special outings or birthday surprises when I was growing up. When I was visiting him he spent more quality time with his TV than he ever did with me. I learned at an early age not to expect the phone call or card that he would swear would arrive because at least 3/4ths of the time they wouldn't.

To suddenly pretend at my wedding that my dad has been there for me my whole life and that he was the rock on which I built my foundation is not just icky and disingenuous, it's something I find maddening. Why should I put on this charade for family and friends? Why should my dad get a bunch of unearned accolades for being a great dad?

I mean, that's not to say he was a BAD dad, don't get me wrong. He's just a dad who tends to show his affection through money because he doesn't really know another way to do it. ... actually... that's not quite true-- he's a great dad to my brother (age 16). But the dad my brother has is not a dad I ever knew.

Because of the various issues outlined above-- and my parents' acrimonious divorce-- my mother has always insisted that if anyone is going to walk me down the aisle, she should be the one to do it. *sigh*
I know she'll throw a hissy fit if I did have my dad walk me down the aisle so my feminist convictions are pretty convenient in this regard.

I still don't know how I'm going to get out of the father/daughter dance since Jedi is adamant that he wants a son/mother dance.

I did have a dream last night that my father died very suddenly and then I was filled with remorse that I hadn't had him walk me down the aisle after all. I'm still leaning toward NOT having him do that, but that feeling of remorse is a tough one to shake today and I'm wondering if I made the right decision.

Poor Jedi

2010-11-16T16:02:00.000-08:00

Jedi's got a case of the blues already-- Seasonal affective disorder or something. It's grey and cold and rainy and not at all cheerful here -- so nevermind that he has a great new job starting on Monday. Doesn't matter when you've got the blues. I get it. I've been there.

Well, he now found out that his best woman and her husband, who was going to be a groomsman, may not be able to be at the wedding AT ALL. They're in the military and it's very likely they're going to be shipped out shortly so.... Well. Not much to be done about that, but it is very unfortunate. Not just because of us mind you-- I'm not as coldhearted as that. I wish no one had to ever go off to war, much less people that are important to people who are important to me. But, to be slightly selfish on Jedi's behalf, we're having a very small wedding party. Just 2 people on each side, and his 2 people are not going to make it.

Jedi doesn't have very many close friends, so this is hitting him particularly hard, and he's feeling down anyway. I'm not sure what I can do for him. I'm going to suggest he ask his sister to stand with him instead as they're very close. I don't care about the "matchy/matchy" aspect that so many brides seem to obsess over. If he has 1 person on his side or if he has 5 it doesn't make a difference to me-- but I feel sad for him that his closest friends probably won't be able to be there on a day that's so important to him.

Another Option

2010-11-16T15:54:00.000-08:00

Hey! So we may have found a happy medium between price/experience!

This Photographer

Pretty good, right? And he's available on our date, and he won't break the bank! ($1395 for 8 hours. Super!)

Thoughts?

In Which My Mother Makes a Good Point:

2010-11-15T06:50:00.000-08:00

(Ahem. So, I got the actual numbers from the good photographer today... It's actually $4000. Gack! Yes, that sound you hear is me choking on my own inhaled breath.)

This is the email my mother sent in regards to this issue. For once, she actually has a good point. (Shocking I know!)

Bonjour,

I could hear you on the phone yesterday and knew that the photos are very important to you.

I looked at both sites. Yes, there is a difference in the style of photos...but could you possibly show her the style you like as input? Is it really worth a $3000 diffrence???

Also, just an observation from one who has made many mistakes in my own marriage by doing what I wanted more than making a decision as a couple.

Obviously, since [Jedi] said that the could go with the lower cost one, the photos are not his utmost priority. He will go along with you because he will do anything to please you and make you happy right now. Believe me, people build unspoken resentment though and it comes out sideways years later. (I still heard in recent years how my head flower piece was more expensive than his suit.....:(

Anyway, think about it this way, now that you will no longer be single, by a couple. What would you think if [Jedi] spent $4000 of your common budget on something that was not THAT important to you (whether it is for the wedding or else).

As my sister told me this week, ([She] wanted to rent a chalet in the mountains for all the [Family] this coming Christmas). Quand on n'a pas de sous, il faut pas essayer de faire les riches...:)

Think long and hard before you commit. Good luck with your decision.

Is it bad that I still REALLY REALLY REALLY want the amazing photographer though? I mean, REALLY?

Budgets

2010-11-14T19:02:00.000-08:00

Wedding Budget:

Me - $1000
Me extra - $350
Jedi - $1000
My Mom- $1000
My Dad - $3000
Jedi's Parents- $1500

= $7,850

Now, yes, my original budget was $5,000... Thank God my dad kicked in a bit more!

This seems like a crazy big budget until you start dividing it up...

But, in reference to the post below let me just say that we end up about $100 over budget if we go with the "good" photographer and about $800 over if we go with the really good photographer.

Photographer redux

2010-11-14T16:56:00.000-08:00

Ok, I have a bit of a dilemma... I think I can kind of guess how some of you will come down on it (well, some of you anyway... who will remind me what Suze Orman would say, but I don't want to listen to Suze right now!!!)

I have a photographer who is starting out (as previously mentioned)-- who has never done a wedding before-- who has offered to give me 10 hours of coverage plus all the digitals plus a free engagement sitting for $1100. Yes, that seems like an insane amount of money... until you actually start pricing out wedding photography and then you realize it's the deal of the lifetime.

Here is her website-- http://chocolatepipsphoto.zenfolio.com/

Frankly, they're nice... some are even very pretty... but they don't blow me away.

On the other hand we have a different photographer who is ---GULP-- Twice as much for half the time. (Can I afford twice as much? Um, well, if you mean, do I have the money in hand... um... well... let me get back to you on that.)

However, the pictures blow me away. http://garonephotography.blogspot.com/

(Also, an acquaintance recently used them, and her pictures are STUNNING. I figure if they can make her look good, I"ll look FABULOUS! ;-)

I know, on the one hand... MONEY MONEY MONEY.... on the other hand all I'll really have left of the day (Other than Jedi, obviously!) is the pictures. 50 years from now will I be regretting that I went with a budget photographer... um... likely? Maybe?

I know Suze Orman would say that it's not worth clearing out my bank account for this (Or maybe she would? People first, remember!)... And it really would be coming out of my own budget since Jedi is really opposed to spending the extra money. I'm thinking I would pick up a holiday job/reunion job or something to help make up the difference.

What do y'all think? Am I being unreasonable in wanting the more expensive photographer? I feel like I'm heading into crazy bride territory... I also feel really bad about this where the first photographer is concerned because I met her and she's a lovely woman and she does have a good eye... I can tell she'll be a great photographer someday... right now she's good, but not "magazine editorial" good the way the other photographer is.

Cling-on

2010-11-09T13:06:00.000-08:00

Um. Ew. I think I may just have become one of those people. You know the ones? The ones who can't do ANYTHING without their significant other? DAMN those people are annoying.

I've had several friends in the past who, when I would invite them out, would bring their husband/partner along. WTF? Seriously. In all of those cases it was always something along the lines of, "Hey, the new Sex & the City movie is out! You wanna go?" It wasn't EXPLICITLY anti-husband, but I think any reasonable person would have read that as "Sally and Hypatia are going to the movies"... not "Sally, and JOE, and Hypatia are going to the movies"

The worst part is that it's always the husband who is an asshat who ends up being the tag-along. I suppose that's because the good husbands know how to read cues and don't just show up to something they're not specifically invited to. But it's always the idiot who would be like, "Hey Hypatia, why can't you find a husband yet? Hey Hypatia, don't you know women belong in the kitchen? Make me a sandwich! Ha ha ha" types who tag-along with their otherwise delightful wives.

(As a side note, how do otherwise delightful women (ok or men) end up saddled with insufferable spouses? I mean, they SEEM reasonable and everything and yet they're somehow COMPLETELY blind to their spouses asshatery.)

So, let me first of all say that Jedi is not in the least an uncouth buffoon who is of the knuckledragging-mouthbreathing- type I described above. He is, however, clingy. Where I am, he wants to be. He even pouts if I don't want to go to the grocery store with him because he can't stand to be apart from me. (Gag. I know.) I've broken him of the pouting at least, but I know his impulse is still there.

This weekend when we went to a WOMEN'S expo I did have to explicitly tell him, "No, you may NOT join us. Sheesh!" Heaven help me if I ever become one of those women.

And yet. Somehow. This evening when I decided I wanted to go to the gym and go swimming and I realized he wouldn't be able to come with me because he has class... I suddenly decided I didn't want to go if he couldn't come with me. Ugh. Eegads, right?

I may have to jump into the cold pool in the deep end just to rid myself of this feeling!

Photographer

2010-11-09T11:40:00.000-08:00

Yeah! We have a photographer! (I think! I think!).

(If Jedi's Cousin's Friend were to change her mind again and want to photograph the wedding we would use her too--- Which would be awesome!)

The photographer I found is new to the business. I've tried for 20 minutes to upload some of her pictures and as you may be aware, photographers are notoriously protective of their pictures, and I can't! So, you'll just have to imagine them! For the most part, her pictures are lovely. I would say that 3/4ths of the pictures I've seen are good... (Which is a better ratio than some of the other photographers I've seen that charge $2000 for 3 hours whose pictures looked like something my grandpa could take.)

It *is* a little nerve-wracking having her test out her skills on us-- this would be the first wedding she's done professionally-- for the most part she does kids and family portraits-- but the deal is so good I can' t pass it up.

$1000 for 10 hours + an engagement sitting session + all pictures in both B&W and Color in digital.

Not bad, huh? Ok, I'll admit, if you haven't been comparison shopping for wedding photographers lately that seems in-freaking-sane. Believe me, I would have thought it was before I started hunting around. My original photography budget was $200.

Bwahahaha! (Yes, I invite you to laugh at me as well.)

So, I invite you to take a look at some wedding photographer websites and take a look at the prices. Go on. I'll wait.

......

{whistle}

No, really, go on.

...........

{whistle}

.........

Have you keeled over from sticker shock yet? Do you realize what a good deal I'm getting? Not just the cost in general but TEN-FREAKIN-HOURS of coverage?

Keeping my fingers crossed that this one works out! I may still hire a student to complement the photographer (between the two I would think that I would get a good selection of images to use.)

2010-11-08T05:52:00.000-08:00

Wedding Shoes...?

So, do you think it's tacky to pair a $1200 dress with $5 shoes from Wal-Mart? Nah. Me neither!

Ok, ok, I don't actually know if these will be the 'real' wedding shoes because I'm not certain how well they match the dress-- I don't have a swatch or anything-- but I wanted ballet flats in a subtle gold color-- and Ta Da! The universe delivered! (Hellloooo universe! I would also like to win several million dollars! Thank you!)

Crosspost

2010-11-05T10:05:00.000-07:00

I have no energy to delve into other stuff today so I'm just going to crosspost with my other blog. Hey! don't complain! I delve into my daily life for your amusement and it's FREEEEE!

Ya get what you pay for.

Jobs Jobs Jobs

2010-11-04T13:29:00.000-07:00

So, Jedi STILL hasn't heard anything back officially from the job he's waiting on. This is totally ridiculous but also totally typical for this University. While he'd really like this job we never know what might happen... so, on the plus side, he just got called in for another interview in a different department. Yippee!

As for me, I'm really liking my new position, though I'm still feeling nervous since it's technically a term position only through June. *sigh* I don't really know what's going to happen... people seem to like me and think I'm doing a good job... but, well, you never know what might happen! Add to that the person who is currently my manager won't be my manager if I do get the job-- and I don't know who that manager would be-- so the job could change dramatically anyway. Wait and see kind of thing, I guess.

In wedding news, my photographer fell through! ARGH! If any of you know of a good (CHEAP! Like, under $1000) photographer who is in the MA, NH, ME, VT area... do let me know!

Still waiting

2010-11-01T12:57:00.000-07:00

Many thanks for the well-wishes where Jedi's job is concerned. It's looking good... (not to jinx anything, but he was told "We've completed the background verification and sent it on...If I don't hear back from them with an OK to make an official offerby Thurs. this week, I'll follow up.")

That's good, right? I mean, nothing is official until it's official and I'm nervous to break out the champagne quite yet, but... Yippee...!!!

Good Thoughts!

2010-10-26T06:40:00.000-07:00

Jedi was contacted yesterday and told he's a finalist for a position-- in fact he's the top candidate!

Yippee!!!! The only problem? They've asked to speak with his current supervisor (not just references) and his supervisor is an ass. In fact, his supervisor is one of the reasons he wants to leave-- well, that and a pretty hostile workplace.

(e.g. Jedi is a pretty sensitive guy, which is something I love about him. The guys he works with are super-macho misogynist types and they're constantly harassing him. For example, yesterday Jedi was whistling as he left the warehouse and one of the assholes he works with said, "Hey Jedi- you know who whistles? Birds and faggots. And I don't see any feathers on you." They're constantly throwing gay slurs at him-- in no small part I think due to the fact that he actively defends LGBT people when they do so, which just feeds the fire.)

I can't wait for him to get out of there. Hopefully he'll hear back today and hopefully it will be good news! Fingers crossed!

Ready to Begin Again

2010-10-24T16:57:00.000-07:00

I've revived a long dormant blog of mine. I'm not quitting this one... (Though I am thinking of renaming it-- but to what?) The blogs each have a different focus. I debated about starting another new, completely anonymous (since this one is semi-anonymous) but I figured I need the semi-accountability. I may cross-link at times but the other blog is really a way for me to keep a journal since I've proven not-so-good at that and I've proven mostly-ok at keeping up with a blog.

Hope you'll consider following along on the new blog as well since feedback is so helpful to success.

Doubt

2010-10-21T06:18:00.001-07:00

I'm so full of doubt now! I went to a bridal shop 2 horus away yesterday (To see if I could have a better experience than at the little bad bridal shop mentioned below). I had the dress I wanted in my mind but I wanted to try on a few more to see how the shop treated me.

Well, this shop was far and away better than the other shops I've been too and they also had a much better selection--esp of plus size dresses.

I found two dresses that I LOVED. One is very similar to the one up top (I can't actually find the picture of the one I liked, but it was gorgeous... more beading, more pick-ups, more rosettes...the only thing I didn't like was the way it sat on one hip.) I KNEW Jedi wouldn't like it though because it was asymmetrical. His mom was with me and was like-- "Yeah. You can't get that. Jedi would have fits when he was a kid if he wore a shirt that had a pocket on one side and not the other. He's very particular." I mean, Jedi hasn't said much about potential dresses, but he has made that much clear, so I feel like I should respect that-- even though the dress was over-the-top stunning and a STATEMENT.

I found another dress (I also can't find a picture of it... and the shop wouldn't let us take pictures) that was floaty and frothy and lace and light beading in a pinkish-ivory color. It was strapless and I loved the double layer of lace at the bottom that made it look like I was floating on air as I walked. The only thing I didn't love about it was the top. It was strapless and a bit plain-- I just felt like in pictures it wouldn't render well. On the other hand, it was probably much more appropriate for an outdoor summer wedding. It was stunning, but in a quieter way.

In the end (the store was closing, I felt a bit of pressure to MAKE A DECISION since it was two hours away) I picked the original dress from the first bridal shop. Now I keep second guessing myself. EEEK! I wish I could get all three! I put down money though... I think I probably have a couple more hours where I could switch my selection... but I wouldn't even know which direction to go.

I guess I felt that the first dress had more of everything that I liked. The two dresses I tried on at the new store, on both of them what I liked best was the skirt. In pictures the skirts won't be what is most prominent. In the first dress I loved the bodice and I loved the back... the skirt was fine (it has this opening in the front where tulle is showing and it wasn't my favorite part)... I wish I could take the skirt with the rosettes and attach it to the bodice of the first dress... but I'm not a Rockefeller so I can't just go mixing and matching dresses like that.

I guess it's pretty normal to have doubts-- it's a LOT of money!

How I know he's "The One"

2010-10-18T14:14:00.000-07:00

Today we opened a joint checking account. (Yanno... for all those wedding $$$ contributions.)

The banker typed up the mock checks and put Jedi's name above mine. Jedi stopped him. "Her name should go first," he insisted.

*sigh* Be still my beating heart!

(Don't worry, lest you think I've lost my feminist mind to be opening a joint account-- I still have 3 other personal accounts!)

Voyeuristic pet peeve

2010-10-11T10:27:00.000-07:00

I read a fair number of other blogs, mostly anonymously, and nothing bugs me more than when a blog suddenly goes dark or when frequent posting turns to once-a-month posting.

What can I say? I get my kicks from reading about other people-- it's a real life soap opera. I've also learned a lot from blogs-- especially all the child rearing and parenting and birthing and breast-feeding blogs out there. No, I'm not at that stage yet, but I anticipate I will be someday, and hearing about other peoples' experiences is not only interesting in a voyeuristic sense but also informative.

Some of my tendencies to 'spy' (well, if people put it all out there, is it really spying?) are a little less noble though, I'll admit. I used to frequent a message board that was a marriage message board (I can't remember the name now! It was 5 years or so ago...) I had followed links to the site where people were specifically gawking at posts made by teenage brides in a trainweck sort of way. Think of it like Teen Mom but happening in real-time right in front of me! It was impossible to turn away!

I particularly got hooked on a pair of sisters-- The older sister (can't remember her name- -Cathy?) was Catholic and very religious and though she had just turned 20 had already been engaged once previously. That ended and then she married a guy she met online after 3 months of knowing him and intentionally got pregnant within a month of getting married. The second sister was named Stephanie, (17?) and though she was ostensibly very religious and Catholic as well she got pregnant within a month of her sister by her long term boyfriend. She still lived at home and claimed that she would not need any sort of public assistance because she had a job being a nanny and so she'd be able to bring her kid to work with her (she worked for her parents babysitting her 3 year old sister) Of course the people who drew my attention to this pair were rather trollish in their comments on the board and the sisters' journals got password protected after about a year or so... and I never found out what happened next!

I know it's silly, but I totally got hooked on their story! I mean, yes, it had all the hallmarks of being a totally disaster, but I was kind of rooting for them nonetheless. (And hoping they would figure out that birth control was not evil!) And now I'll never know what happens next! It obviously had an impact on me since I'm still thinking about them 5 years later.

There are other blogs I'm similarly addicted to and by all appearances these blogs have significant followers (like 30+ comments on each post!) even though they have a super sporadic posting schedule. From what I can tell this may be due in part to their fairly provocative names? Like- "The sexy blog of sexy things"... even though the author ends up writing more about what she had for breakfast than much else. (I admit to being somewhat jealous of the following though I'm surprised I have any followers at all given how boring my life is! Maybe if I wrote about how Jedi and I got it on 11 times yesterday people would be more interested in what I have to say? Hah.)

Anyway, all that to say that if you post a comment on this blog I do usually follow up by looking at your blog though I don't always post (bad me! I know how comments keep me from feeling I'm posting into the void!) Last night I stayed up until 2 am reading the backlog of posts from just such a blog.

One of the reasons I really used to to this was because I wanted to know what led up to the "Happily Ever After" (Or, at least the wedding, which in Disney-speak is one and the same!) I loved reading blogs that were already "completed" so-to-speak. A blog in which someone had already found the love-of-their-life... but the blog was started long before that moment. I loved reading back and seeing if I could identify that moment when "Random Dude I'm Dating" became "The One." Sadly, I never really found any sort of illuminating pattern I could hold onto as some sort of indication that I would have found my own "The One."

Jedi could very easily have stayed in "Random Dude I'm Dating" territory. Sometimes it scares me to think of how easily I could have (sometimes did) dismiss him-- how I could have missed out on the amazing guy who is now part of my life.

That's part of why I read blogs-- to find those patterns that probably don't exist-- so that I can look for them in my own life. I'd hate to miss out on a good thing.

(And, ok-- The drama. I love the drama too...)

Shadier and Shadier!

2010-10-08T13:58:00.000-07:00

This is some seriously effed up shit.

So this morning I get not one but THREE phone calls from the "Little Bad Dress Shop." The woman on the other end tells me that they've gone ahead and repaired the rip in the sample dress and "You can't even tell the difference, it's good as new and just perfect." She then proceeds to hard sell me and tries to get me to commit to coming back in and trying it on, asking if I want to put a deposit on it over the phone (um. No thanks.) etc. To get off the phone I tell her I need to talk to my mom.

They offered me the same 10% off as yesterday (though now apparently not charging me for the rip) which brings the dress down from their price of $1238 to $1114... Frankly, not a huge savings for a dress that has been RIPPED and has had a million people trying it on. If it were 50% off that would be a different story... but 10% ? Pheew on that, I spit!

Their entire manner just left me feeling very dirty so I called up another shop that is about 2 hours away-- "Better Bridal Boutique" let's call it. Even over the phone I could tell that the woman at the shop was gobs nicer. She was the owner (Bitchy lady at LBDS was the owner of her shop too.) and she was very helpful.

I told her I was looking for a particular dress. They didn't carry it but they said that they could order it. She then proceeds to give me the info on the dress... "The dress is from the 2008 Spring Collection ... and the MSRP is $1,073."

$1,073, BITCHES!
The "discounted," used, ripped, 2 year old dress was STILL $41 more expensive than buying it BRAND NEW.

My friend Janet is like, "Oh no they didn't! You need to report LBDS to the Better Business Bureau!"

I don't know if I'll do that, but I certainly want to give them a piece of my mind! I know they'll probably call back up but I'm so mad I don't know if I can possibly stay calm and rational when I'm talking to them!

Grrr! What would you do? (Besides order the dress from the Better Bridal Boutique, I mean!) I kind of want to pull a Julia Roberts and go in there and say, "You work on commission, right? Big, big mistake. Huge. I have to go shopping now. Bye, girls!"

Super Shady

2010-10-06T13:45:00.000-07:00

This is just a quick post (because I'm living with utter chaos at the moment! Starting a new job on Tuesday... Just wrapped up a conference for 400 people that I just ran this weekend... wrapping up the last tasks for my job... Interviewing for a part-time job tomorrow... Holding an open house for my new job tonight... writing presidential briefings 2 seconds ago... argh! It's a lot. In the middle of all of this I'm trying to plan my wedding. Is that insane, or what?)

First, the GOOD! These super great vases from the Dollar Tree are only... can you guess? $1! Sweet! At Wal-Mart (yes, I do my wedding shopping there, cause I'm FANCY that way...) they were $4.99 each. Beaucoup savings there!

Jedi's dad's friend has a big Hydrangea bush that we can denude for wedding purposes and we'll have candles as well. Not bad, right?

Second, the mildly BAD: I found out our location is going to cost me $400 to rent. SHITE! That was supposed to be FREE! Whaaa! WTF?! And then I have labor charges on top of that. I feel like I was sold a bad bill of goods, but it's probably still cheaper than most other comparable places, I guess. It's got a patio overlooking a lake, etc. As long as the weather is good, should be great. If the weather is crappy, the interior is like a hunting lodge-- so not my style. Urgh.

Thirdly, the idiotically BAD: The local store I wanted to order my dress from can't get it because the designer has a non-compete and the other store (where I tried it on, but the owner was a horrible bitch) is 30 min away. Ugh. So, I call the store 30 min away and talk to them about putting down a deposit...

The owner tells me that the deposit ($200) is non-refundable. Fine, whatever. THEN she tells me that the deposit doesn't guarantee that my dress will be available to order at the time I want to order it-- (February... since I am hoping to get down a few pounds. Ahem.) It has to be ordered in Feb. because it can take 16-20 weeks for the dress to come in. Okay... but again, if I wait until February, there's no guarantee that I can get that dress... and I also won't be able to get my money back from my deposit. (How does that make ANY sense.)

(All this time, I'll point out, the owner is talking to me as if I'm a particularly slow 5-year old. DOES NOT make me want to order from her shop!)

She then says that she could sell me the floor sample that I tried on at a 10% discount. I point out that the floor sample is ripped and she says that she can have that fixed, but that she'll have to charge me-- an amount basically equal to 5% of the dress.

What the fuck???

I ask if that's the best she can do on the price if I were to take the floor sample and she says yes.

So, now I'm harboring a sneaking suspicion that this particular dress is not selling particularly well if she's willing to let go of the floor sample. Since she has proven herself to be rather bitchtastic, I wouldn't put it past her to be totally shady as well. I'm wondering if she wouldn't take my money for the full price of a NEW dress and then have the sample dress repaired and then try to pass it off as the dress that was ordered. SUSPICIOUS!

I totally don't want to order from her, but ordering from various websites seems super sketchy too! Argh! Don't know what to do. The only other shop that carries this designer is 2 hours away. SO ANNOYING! If I do go with this shop, how do I make sure I'm not getting screwed/getting the sample dress???

I would also point out that I wouldn't mind getting the sample dress.... if it was marked down 50% or so. But for 10% off? And then I have to pay for repairs? And alterations on top of that? Forget it!

(Oh! I almost forgot to mention the SUPER SUPER GOOD! Jedi has a job interview on the 19th!!! Keep your fingers crossed! This would be so good for him!!!)

THE dress.

2010-09-29T09:56:00.000-07:00

Npapaya was kind enough to go dress shopping with me last weekend. While down in the "Big City" I had 3 appointments with three different shops.

Well, let me just say how totally depressing it would have been had I not found THE dress in the very first store we went to. Not only that, it was also the very first dress. Thank God! The saleswoman was actually nice-- she was like an angel sent from heaven,-- tragically that was also her last day. (Probably because she was too nice. The store owner was a horrible bitch to her while we were there.)

This is THE dress. I'm not posting a pic on here because Jedi doesn't want to see it... and since he sometimes checks the blog... well... Better that it be a link.

I was SO happy to find that dress. When I put it on I just KNEW that was the dress. I felt gorgeous in it, it has everything I was looking for, it's the right color, it has straps, it is "different" -- it's old-fashioned yet not fuddy-duddy... I just LOVE IT!

Ok, it's a little out of my price range... ahem... by, um, about $700... But, in the grand scheme of things that's actually not so much, I think.

I do have to tell you about the rest of the day though. Ugh! It was so depressing! At the first store I did actually find a couple other dresses that were pretty, but they weren't a "wow." At the second store they only had two fairly fugly dresses and at the last store they had 3 dresses in my size and only one looked halfway decent... and it was really nothing special.

I can't even tell you how excited I am about this dress. First of all, I never thought I would find something that really was "me"... I was pretty sure I'd have to settle for something that was simply ok. Second of all, I feel really pretty in it. Even if I didn't lose a single pound I'd still be thrilled to get married in that dress and I'd feel like the prettiest girl in the room. (Funny thing is-- I actually looked up the dress online and I feel like the dress on the model is totally fugly! I think it's because the model is stick thin and this dress requires curves! If I had just seen the dress in the ad there's no way I would have wanted to try it on.)

Speaking of women with curves, am I the only one who finds "Say Yes to the Dress: Big Bliss" completely offensive? I mean, why do "big girls" have their own show? Are they a separate species or something? Why aren't they integrated into the "normal" show? Are "big" girls not normal? Cause that seems to be what they're implying. Additionally, the women in the ads seem to be exhibiting the worst kind of stereotypical "big girl/diva" behaviour, saying things like, "Mmmm... my curves are so juicy... Girl, if you've got it, work it, etc." (I'm paraphrasing.) Um. Ew. Look, I'm all on board for women who are larger than average having good self-esteem and for being able to find pretty things to wear... but that kind of stuff not only seems to be all about overcompensating but it also is very off-putting. The brides are described as, "Sassy" and "Confident"... doesn't that seem to be code for... I don't know... in romantic comedies the heroine always has a "sassy" best friend-- and often times that's what "big" girls relegated to in real life as well-- as though they're not the heroines of their own lives. That's what this offshoot show sort of feels like-- You're not good enough to be on the show with the "real" heroines... everyone knows you're "different."

Anyhoo-- that's how I sort of felt about that.

But yea! I found my dress! Yippee! (Now I live in fear of them discontinuing it! I'm going to put a deposit down now, but they won't actually do my measurements until March... that's a long time!)

Amazing blog

2010-09-24T08:51:00.001-07:00

Any mommy bloggers out there? I know some of you used to stop by.

I wanted to share the most AMAZING blog I've come across in awhile. It's a kid's craft blog and the woman who runs it is obviously a freaking crafty wizard... and her kids are filthy wizards... hee...

http://www.filthwizardry.com

I'm going to make Jedi take note. When he's a stay-at-home dad there won't be any slacking off! I expect one project a day! ha!

I can't get no satisfaction...

2010-09-23T14:17:00.000-07:00

I just quit-- I should be happy, right?

I mean... I am... I guess. I just don't feel happy. Does that make sense?

I'm sure it doesn't, actually.

*sigh*

You know how scientists say people have a natural "set point" for happiness? Well, maybe this is mine. Maybe I'm just inclined to always feel a bit of malaise. Maybe I'm just a big whiny baby. I don't know.

I was actually feeling fine up until a few minutes ago when I got an email from my soon-to-be boss' boss. There was NOTHING bad in the email... but she pointed out that I should have maybe waited to ask my soon-to-be-boss for permission to do something so that it didn't seem like I was going over her head.

*sigh*

Why that should trigger a downward spiral, I'm not sure-- Maybe because I'm so used to being micro-managed where I am? Maybe because I'm used to my ideas and initiatives being shot down where I am? It just left me doubting my decision-- have I moved from one untenable situation to another?

Logically I know that's not the case. This woman responded perfectly nicely and was sure to couch her mild rebuke in between lots of flowering praise for taking initiative. That's worlds away from the situation I'm in now, so I know it's not the same thing.

I can't help feeling as though it is though.

I'm also a bit disappointed and hurt that my future MIL isn't going with me on the latest dress shopping excursion. I know that's stupid since she's been shopping with me 2x now, so I know it's not personal... again... it still feels that way though.

I have to say, I'm damned lucky that I have Jedi and that he is as constant and effusive in is praise, love, and admiration for me (to a nauseating degree sometimes). And no, I don't think it's because we're in a "honeymoon" period-- That's just frankly his personality. It's a nice contrast to my own gloomy-gus attitude most days.

Good thing I'm going to therapy tomorrow since I'm obviously a basket-case.

Well THAT was anti-climactic!

2010-09-22T11:18:00.000-07:00

So, remember that thing that I mentioned that I was afraid to jinx? Well... things might still be jinx-able... (KNOCK ON WOOD)... but I'm hoping things are set.

I got a new job! Yippee, right?! I'm going to go and be... well... I was going to say specifically sort-of what I'm going to be doing, but that will make me too traceable. Gotta keep some semblance of privacy! Let's just say I'm going to go and be an assistant director in another department.

So, here's where the scary/jinxable part comes in-- I don't know what I'll be making yet (I KNOW! I KNOW! But I've been assured of the minimum at least... It may seem stupid to do it this way but our HR department is totally ass-backward and has been dragging their feet for 2 months on this paperwork already...) and... It's an acting position for a year.

That last part really does make me feel quite nervous, but I feel like it's a calculated risk. I've been reassured numerous times that I'm the person they want permanently in this position but because HR is so backed up (3 month lag time to even POST positions, nevermind interview (another 3 months) and then HIRE (another 1-2 months....) Well, they wanted someone in this post ASAP since we're starting the new school year and this was the most expedient way to do it.

However, I'm always mindful that there could be some newly minted Ph.D in the field of this department who swoops in and grabs this spot... life has no guarantees... but, as I said, it's a calculated risk. I've been unhappy in my current office for awhile (Their priorities are totally out-of-whack... think "The Office.") and this is a step up and in the direction I want to go. I feel like even if I only end up doing it for a year it will be good experience/a stepping stone.

The other nerve-wracking point is that I'm not the ONLY person in an acting position! My boss and my boss' boss (and my boss' boss' boss... come to think of it) are all also in acting positions! This house of cards could go crumbling at any time! The person who will be my direct supervisor for the coming year really is only temporary as she'll be doing 2 jobs at once-- they're going to be hiring for a permanent position in the spring... While I know I enjoy the people in the office I'm going to it's also a bit scary not to know who my boss will ultimately be.

So, what was the anti-climactic part? The giving notice part, of course. Why? Because one can't simply say, "Take this job and shove it!" Even if that IS the underlying sentiment! One has to make-nice in order not to be black-balled in this -oh-so-small community and say, "Thank you very much for the opportunities I've had here, I've really enjoyed it, and I'm sad to be leaving..."

Not that I had many doubts about leaving of course, but when they announced my departure at a staff meeting today it only solidified my resolve. Only 2 people came to say they were sorry to see me go... everyone else was very "Meh." about it. It's not like I haven't been the invisible girl here anyway. Why would I suddenly become visible when I leave?

The place where I'm going to I definitely feel "Seen"-- the Director (my boss' boss) is fantabulous and she's been great throughout this process. She's just really very effusive and encouraging and has bent over backwards in a lot of ways to make me feel welcome. It's a totally different environment. (Not that every office doesn't have it's dysfunctions, but this one has fewer than most on campus.)

Fingers crossed that it will all work out for the best in the end.

I'm still keeping my fingers crossed (hopefully you will too?) for Jedi and some other friends who are looking.

What a difference a year makes...

2010-09-15T11:01:00.000-07:00

A year ago (tomorrow) Jedi and I will have been going out for 1 year.

I mean, technically we didn't start going out exclusively until sometime in October (I can't really remember when) but we did meet one year ago tomorrow.

Who could have guessed, right? In this post from a year ago you can see I didn't really have high hopes. If you had told me at this point last year that this year at the same time I'd be trying on wedding dresses I would have told you that you were clearly insane because-- #1) there's no one to date in my podunk town and #2) there's no way I would move that fast!

This should probably teach me a lesson in making pronouncements of which I feel certain as I'll only end up being wrong. (Dear Universe, There is NO WAY I would ever win the lottery. Especially not $90 Million dollars. Especially not in tonight's Powerball drawing! I dare you to prove me wrong.)

Speaking of shopping for wedding dresses, my mother is giving me the silent treatment since the last debacle in which I yelled at her for being an unsuportive beeotch. (Believe me, she totally is. I swear I'm not just being a Bridezilla or something.)

Npapaya (Yes, she of the "Always Right" fame in the aforementioned post) has been kind enough to agree to go with me to try on dresses on the 25th. We have to go to a town an hour away to try stuff on, but we're going to 3 different stores and each store has 4-6 plus sized samples (wowwee. If we lived in a metropolis I think I know how I could make beaucoup bucks-- open up a plus-sized wedding dress shop.) I'm hoping that each store doesn't have the EXACT SAME DRESSES (as has happened in other locations) but we shall see.

In any case I think that after that shopping trip I will have made up my mind. If I still haven't found anything I like better than #5 I think I will go with that one.

P.S. to Jedi if you ever get around to reading this-- Happy Anniversary, Sugerplum. Mwah!

Lady in Waiting

2010-09-12T18:40:00.000-07:00

I have some stuff on the horizon that I'm crossing my fingers about... Worried to jinx it by talking too much... But keep your fingers crossed for me!

I'm also hoping a part-time job I want will come through. It would be great-- something I can add to my resume that will help me in my field and it's something that I can do on my own time from anyplace I have an internet connection... Ok, ok... should I tell you what it is? It's reading admissions materials. Doesn't that sound like fun!? I'm a super fast reader and the admissions office is so overwhelmed that they require one (if one gets the job) to read at least 25 hours a week... but you can read more than that as you are able... I would LOVE to do this. *sigh* like everything else at this university hr moves slower than molasses in January... I left a message with the admissions office on Friday so hopefully I'll hear back this week.

It would totally help since Jedi and I are totally having money issues. I mean, we're not having money issues to the extent that we don't have food and shelter... but by having cable and internet we're totally living beyond our means. (But who can live without cable and internet these days?! Right? I mean, that's like asking me to live without running water. / )

We're puttering along ok. I admit wedding stuff is freaking me out to a greater extent that I wanted it to-- and I've found myself wondering more than a few times if I'm worrying more about the day itself than the future marriage. I mean, I like to think that simply by asking myself that question it means I'm in the clear, but I've found myself freaking out about potential table settings and centerpieces and it makes me want to hyperventilate.

To every bride, at every wedding I ever went to-- I'm really sorry for ever snarking about anything. My bad. I know realize just how much thought went into it and I know you did your best.

(Except to that one bride who totally didn't invite that someone that she totally should have to the wedding-- that was a bitch move and you totally deserved the snarking.)

Jedi Knows

2010-09-07T08:57:00.001-07:00

My friend Meg convinced me that I can't marry Jedi and not tell him about the blog. After contemplation I realized she was right.

Our conversation went something like this-

Me: I have something to tell you.
Jedi: (nervous) What is it?
Me: I don't want you to get mad.
Jedi: Do you still love me?
Me: Yes.
Jedi: Are we still getting married?
Me: Yes.
Jedi: Then whatever it is doesn't matter.
Me: I have a blog.
Jedi: Really!? Does anyone read it?
Me: Yes... XXX number of people a month.
Jedi: That's so cool!

So. Huh. That was that! The only thing that annoyed him was that Ramses knew about the blog from the beginning. That ticked him off.

The funny thing is that he really doesn't seem to care about it one way or another. I know if someone had written a blog in which I feature prominently I would be scouring each entry for some mention of something I had done. Jedi read 3 entries and was like, "That's cool." And as far as I know he hasn't read anything since or expressed any desire to do so.

(He's kind of a weirdo. I would be obsessed!)

To hell with dresses

2010-09-07T08:42:00.000-07:00

I went dress shopping again on Friday and Saturday. And you know what I've realized? EVERY SINGLE BRIDAL SHOP has the EXACT SAME 4 plus sized dresses in their collection. And they're all strapless beaded massive monstrosities. (Ok, ok, sometimes they'll have one or two other gowns, but really, it's amazing how they all have the same 4 ugly dresses.)

The other thing I hate about bridal shops? The saleswomen look at me like I'm gum under their shoes. Gee, if that's how you treat me BEFORE I buy anything, I just can't wait to see what the service is like afterward!

My mother and aunts HATE HATE HATE dress #5... and that's the only one that seems like a stand-out for me at the moment. My mom actually left me a terrible voicemail comparing the dress to a bad haircut that everyone will ooo and ahh over but only SHE will tell me the truth about how unflattering it is. This drives me crazy since I know if I get the dress on the wedding day she'll be all passive aggressive and say, "WEll, as long as YOU think you look good, that's what counts!"

Sigh. She upset me so much this weekend that I was sobbing and my dad was like, "I'm going to give you $1500 so that you can get the dress of your dreams."

Well, that's nice, and lovely... but... There's no way in hell I'm spending $2000-1500 on a dress! Do you know how many guests I could feed for that!? I could even pay for a honeymoon! (Or, more importantly, save up for a house!) I was very touched, but that's craziness. I did think (for half a millisecond) about doing a whole "Say yes to the dress" day and going to Kleinfeld's, but my budget at Kleinfeld's is about the equivalent to having $500 at other wedding shops.

It's totally not worth it for just one day... but it drives me nuts that --even with difficulty-- I can go into plus sized shops and find an entire closet full of flattering dresses.... but for a wedding dress I'm limited to basically a choice of 1 of 8 dresses. Oh, sure, many places SAY that their dresses are available in sizes 0-30... but if the store only carries 4 plus-sized dresses, where does that actually leave me? The saleswomen are like, "Well, you can just hold it up in front of you to get an idea." Bwahaha! YEAH. RIGHT. I'm going to purchase a WEDDING DRESS that I can't even try on!? Who the fuck came up with this system?!? it's the crappiest system ever!

If I had money I would totally open a plus-sized wedding shop... haven't these places heard that the american woman is an average of a size 14!? Maybe they'd get a bit more business (and stop being so bitchy) if they catered to that demographic.

*sigh*

I'm sick of trying on dresses. Do I just go with #5? And tell my mother to shove it? Tha's what I'm leaning towards, but will I constantly be second guessing myself? I don't know.

Dress Dilemmas

2010-08-31T13:27:00.000-07:00

Hello again interweb friends!

This dress stuff is STRESSING ME OUT! Isn't this supposed to be fun? Well, it's not. Let me tell you, it's NOT!

The first reason it's not fun is that since I'm a "plus-sized" girl most stores carry 2-4 dresses in my size and the rest of the time I have to shimmy into a size 14 or so and get an "idea" of what it will look like. Well, here's a clue-- anytime you shimmy into a dress that is 3 sizes too small you will look like SHIT. And not want to buy that dress!

The other reason it's not fun is that dresses in my price range (technically $500... but it's been creeping upwards at an alarming pace...eek!) feel like they're made of shower curtain fabric. Given that I'm going to be wearing this in the middle of August and sweating up a storm this is probably not a good idea.

Another reason it's not fun is that while I can be in the store and say -- this dress is the best of the 4 "plus" size dresses that are available to me-- my mother, and aunt, and grandmother, and bridesmaids live all across the country (and in other continents.) So all they have to go on are the pictures.

When they tell me-- oh, this one looks terrible, that one looks terrible, I hate the hat, I love the hat, I hate that color, I hate beading, I love beading, that one looks like a nightgown, that one looks like a slip, that one has too much rouching, that one doesn't have enough rouching... etc, etc... (and believe me, there are a million etcs!) you can imagine that it does not make me a happy camper.

I really want people to see a dress and have it be so CLEARLY the stand-out winner that everyone says, "THAT'S THE ONE!"

And yet... the more people I ask for opinions, the more differing opinions I get!

Everyone also says, "It's your wedding! Wear what you feel comfortable in! Wear what you want!"

Well, when people tell you, "Oh, that dress is fugly." And that's the dress you wanted... and that person is your mother. Yeah. Good luck ever feeling comfortable in that dress again, right?

So, I was thinking about getting a dress made. (Esp. because the fabric-- even on the expensive dress ($700)-- was terrible.)

I met with a seamstress/designer yesterday... and whooo let me tell you. That was an ExPeRiEnCe. She was a very nice woman, very friendly-- VERY talkative... (too much, I have to say...) She was also more than a bit wacky. Within 5 minutes of meeting her she was telling me about her polyamourous lifestyle, crystal healing, etc... I'm sure you can picture it.

She quoted me $1500 to make me a dress (in beautiful silk). Well, on the one hand I was a bit relieved that it was out of my price range-- not because I didn't want to work with her, but because I was nervous about having a dress made anyway. At least with a store bought dress you know what you're getting from the get-go. With a specially made dress, if you don't like it-- you're shit out of luck.

So, I thanked her, told her it was out of my range... and figured that would be that.

Well, during our conversation I mentioned that I had taken costume design in college and she called me today to offer me a deal-- $800-- materials & labor, and all fittings included, if I worked at her shop (70hours-- $10/hour) in exchange for her making me the dress.

Part of me is tempted. Custom dress? Better fabric? Check & Check. The unknown scares me... the kookiness scares me... being beholden to someone scares me... not being able to have free time for 3-4 months scares me!

I feel like the seamstress is the type to get very emotionally attached and invested and if I piss her off in some way it would NOT be good. I also prefer to keep transactions like that financial so there's no confusion about boundries.

On the other hand... a custom dress... in silk! It is very tempting.

I'm not sure what to do.

I'm trying on more dresses on Friday but I think it's just going to be a variation of what I've tried on so far. There was one dress that jumped out at me (can you tell which one it is...???) but it has not been the favorite of my friends & family, which has been discouraging.

HELP!

Dress Poll #2

2010-08-31T08:18:00.001-07:00

Hello everyone- Sorry for the wonky layout of these pictures... Blogger is acting up and I don't have the patience to fix it, so hopefully you can follow along!

Here's another poll--

#1) What do you think of the hat (above)?

Dress # 5 - Back

Dress # 5 Front

Dress # 6 Back

Dress # 6 Front-- (Now, I will tell you that Jedi has voiced a strong preference against anything asymmetrical... So, I'm thinking that I may have to keep to that.)

Finally, Dress #7 (Which can come in white on top or other colors.)

Thoughts? I have lots more to tell you about dresses-- and how trying to find one makes me want to kill myself-- but that's for another post.

A conversation about dresses with my mother:

2010-08-30T11:14:00.001-07:00

M: All of those dresses are ugly. Why didn't you try on other ones?

H: I DID. I just only put up the pictures of the ones I liked.

M: Well I don't like any of those. Why don't you try a monique l'huilier or vera wang or something?

H: So... do you have $10,000 you're going to give me for that type of dress?

M: Well you can just get a copy made.

H: Even that would be $2-3,000!

M: Well, I think you should keep trying different dresses.

H: In my price point and being a "plus size" bride-- this is about what you're going to get! You'll get variations on this, but these styles are what look good and what I can afford .THIS IS IT.

M: Well, have you thought about losing weight so you can fit into more dresses?

H: Gee, Mom! That's a BRILLIANT Idea! Lose weight to fit into more clothes!? Why haven't I thought of that before! If only you'd mentioned this to me 10 years ago! All this time I've been wearing ugly shapeless clothing... but to think! If Only I'd thought to lose weight I could have had more options! Now that you've brought this to my attention I'm totally going to get on that!

H: You don't have to be sarcastic.

Wedding Dress Poll!

2010-08-25T13:49:00.000-07:00

Dress #1

Dress #1 Back- (The lace up back is what they had in the store, but I'd get it like the one above if I got it, I think.)
Dress #1 Back

Dress #2- I was going for a "Mad Men" type look for a wedding dress, but I don't think this is as flattering... thoughts?

Dress #3- This was the saleswoman's idea.

Dress #4- Back
Dress #4 Front

--------------------------------------------------------------

Ok interweb friends! I know I said that I was ordering my dress online because I live in podunksville... it just so happened that I went to the moderately-sized city (3 hours away!) this weekend and it just so happened that they had a David's bridal there.

As you may recall I had wanted to order a dress (for $200ish) and then have my future MIL remake it in a NICE fabric. Frankly, the David's bridal crap feels like it's made from shower curtain liners. However, I do have to give them kudos for not only carrying plus sizes, but also for carrying them in the store!

I figured since I was there anyway I may as well try the dress I wanted on and at least make sure I ordered it in the right size. While I was there I tried on a few others and I sent the pics to my mom, future MIL and aunt...

... SIGH...

While I DO want their opinions I'm now terribly confused! They were pretty adamant the the dress they liked was NOT the one I had originally picked out. I'm not terribly keen on the one they liked best... but in looking at the pictures I do think it was more flattering than the original one I had picked out.

All this to say that I think I'm going to have to go shopping for more dresses!

Oh- one other problem with the dress they all liked? It's $600. And I would still want it in a different color/fabric. Sigh. That would probably bring the price up to $900 and I can't really see that making sense, yanoo--? I mean, if I'm going to spend that I may as well spend it on something I like to begin with! Not something that I would need to completely change! So now I'm totally freaking out about dresses!
(I'm also freaking out about photographers because they're crazy expensive, but that's a post for another day.)

So what say you, interwebs? Dress #1 #2 #3 or #4? Leave your answer in the comments! I can't do this without you!

Therapy, musings & escape

2010-08-16T11:48:00.000-07:00

I should be feeling good. I really should. Jedi is in my life, I have my health, I have family that cares about me, I have more prospects than I've had in awhile...

And yet, I'm in a terrible funk. I'm anxious too and it's causing me lots of stomach ailments. I don't know why I'm so anxious, I just know that breathing enough air into my lungs to get through the day is a herculean effort.

I do see a therapist and she's helped quite a bit over the last three years. I don't think I'd be with Jedi without doing the work I've done with her. She's been on vacation for two weeks and I definitely feel myself fraying at the edges. I suppose I could call and talk to someone else in her office but that seems silly. I'm seeing her on Friday by which point many things may have resolved themselves.

I think part of my difficulty is that it feels like I'm now not only responsible for my life and well being, I'm responsible for Jedi's. I've been helping him apply to a new school and to new jobs-- both of which have been Sisyphean tasks thus far. In the meantime I'm trying to get my own life in order and he requires so much hand holding and direction that I feel like I'm a lifeguard swimming for two.

I knew going into it that this is what I was getting myself into though. Believe me, I know. His other--amazing-- qualities more than make up for this. I'm hoping that he can get into a program at a local college (whose term starts in early Sept) that would be a much better fit than what he has been doing (in my estimation-- but I know him very well.) The program would be a degree in radiology and it would be much more hands-on than what he is doing now. His program now requires a lot of essay writing-- which he despairs at. There may or may not be someone who is dropping out of the Radiology program between now and the start of the term and Jedi may or may not be able to take that spot. I'm really hoping the universe takes pity on him and makes this possible.

In the meantime I'm both hopeful and despairing about my own prospects (complicated, isn't it? Let's just say that I'm waiting to hear back about 3 different things-- Thing # 1 I really want, but am not likely to get. Thing #2 I might want under the right conditions, but it seems growingly unlikely those conditions will be there. Thing #3 I can likely have if I want it... but I totally don't.) I'm thinking in cases 2 & 3 it might be a case of going from the frying pan into the fire. *sigh*

A few weeks ago Jedi very seriously wanted us to pack everything up and leave that very day to go (back) to the midwest. I admit, I was tempted too. However, as we all know-- wherever you go, there you are. I know leaving won't really solve anything-- esp. leaving without having anything else planned-- but it is so tempting at times. And you're always reading those stupid eat, pray, love type memoirs about people who chucked it all and found bliss. Could that possibly be that the people who chucked it all and ended up homeless didn't end up with million dollar book deals? Hmmm...? I want to hear from those people.

In the meantime I'm just plugging away... trying to get up enough energy and courage to get out of bed each day to face the world.

Come out, come out, wherever you are...

2010-08-12T19:09:00.000-07:00

So, in checking my site traffic I'm finding that I've had a lot of hits recently coming from facebook.

Hmm...

This is... odd... to say the least.

I'm most curious. I can't follow the link back to anything other than the generic facebook homepage but based on the locations I don't think it's anyone I know personally.

Any facebook stalkers care to come out of hiding and elucidate me?

Light at the End of the Tunnel?

2010-08-12T18:56:00.000-07:00

I don't know if there's a light at the end of the tunnel... it's starting to feel like it but at the moment I don't want to jinx anything. I'll let you know in a month or so. :-p

Additionally, I just wanted to point out that in 365.25 days I will be married! How crazy is THAT to think about???!?

A Bad Day

2010-08-08T19:15:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow will, very likely, not be a good day.

I got an email from my boss' boss on Friday (my day off) that ruined my weekend, left me sick to my stomach, asking me for a meeting first thing 9am on Monday. Tomorrow.

*sigh*

I'm pretty certain that this meeting will be to put me on warning for being insubordinate.

*sigh*

Nevermind that the email this meeting is going about was only to point out how it would not really be feasible for me to do the work they want done in the time period they want it done, (and oh- btw- had they looked at the spreadsheet I'd sent them 2 days ago because if they had bothered to open it they would have seen that it was already formatted in exactly the way they were requesting me to format it in the subsequent email.) Ok. I said it a bit more nicely than that, but I'm sure my frustration came through. Bad me.

Like I said, I"ve been SICK-- physically, emotionally, mentally-- about this all weekend. To the point where I started cutting myself again.

I KNOW this is stupid, believe me, I know. I also know that nothing makes me feel better faster.

I know that I will not care about the office I work in 5 minutes after I give my resignation. For all that I've been looking for new positions over the past year I've been somewhat lackadasical about it too-- only applying to jobs that I would REALLY want.

Yeah. No more of that. At this point I feel like I should just go an apply for anything and everything I'm qualified for and hope something sticks.

Jedi and I were talking about just packing everything up and moving back to the midwest without having any jobs lined up-- just giving 1 months notice and --boom-- we're out of here. It's very tempting, though not very practical, I know. It would feel super satisfying though!

The truth is that my patience with where we live is running out. There are basically 2 employers here-- the hospital and the college-- and all the other businesses service these other 2 businesses. We have a wal-mart, a kmart and a khol's and that's basically it. It is very pretty, but soul crushing with the cost of living and the lack of activities and non-transient young people.

I'm just feeling very discouraged at the moment. I know I don't technically have a lot to complain about-- I have Jedi, I have a roof over my head, I have a full stomach... But is it too first-world of me to want a job that's fulfilling and with people who value my input and insights?

When I was a kid I was "diagnosed" with Oppositional Defiant Disorder
This has to be the most seriously fucked up diagnosis ever, to tell you the truth--

Symptoms of ODD may include:

Frequent temper tantrums
Excessive arguing with adults
Often questioning rules
Active defiance and refusal to comply with adult requests and rules
Deliberate attempts to annoy or upset people
Blaming others for his or her mistakes or misbehavior
Often being touchy or easily annoyed by others
Frequent anger and resentment
Mean and hateful talking when upset
Spiteful attitude and revenge seeking

Um... Yeah. Could all of these symptoms also be explained by the fact that the adults AROUND me were complete controlling asshats who gave orders that made no sense and were frequently narcissistic and controlling also?

So, yes, I recognize I have a bad attitude at times... As an adult I've learned to control it most of the time and at least pretend that I"m semi-civilized... but I swear! My workplace is making me want to react in childish ways. (You'll have to take my word for it that 3/4 of my colleagues are CRAZY people... but trust me, they are.)

*sigh*

Anyone want to hire me?

(I know, I know! After that you surely will, won't you?! But trust me! I'm a fantastic employee when my employer isn't insane!)

My new favorite website

2010-08-04T11:25:00.001-07:00

http://wedinator.com/

Prospects

2010-08-02T10:24:00.000-07:00

It's job hunting season where I work. Now that the layoffs are past and the company has started rehiring again it seems like everyone is job hunting. In fact, it's almost like a game of musical chairs... (or is it more like rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic? Ha. It's hard to tell sometimes.)

It's hard here because not only is the hiring process "as slow as molasses in January" as one of my friends put it, but now that it's all limited to internal hires, it seems like everyone is competing with their friends for the same handful of positions.

One good thing about working in such a tight-knit community is that everyone knows the dirt about everyone elses' office. That's also the bad thing! There are a fair number of positions that seem interesting on paper/good to an outsider... but we know better! We know that particular supervisor is terrible... or that that particular office is being consolidated and so who knows who is going to be made redundant... or that that office is horribly disorganized... or that that office refuses to get rid of the dead weight and keeps on a receptionist that makes everyone's life hell.

Therefore, not only is there a small pool of positions to choose from, but the pool of positions that are in offices where people aren't certifiably crazy is even smaller. Picture a kiddie wading pool.

Amongst friends we try to feel each other out... Oh- Were you interested in that? If so, I wont apply... Oh, are you looking to leave? Does that mean your position will be open? What's it like to work there?... do you know so-and-so? Why is that person leaving?

My job is actually going a bit better these days. However, the fall is quickly approaching and I know that it will soon mean that my peaceful weekends will be at an end. There are aspects to my job that I enjoy but being asked to work 90% of the weekends between September and June is just hell-- and inhumane-- (well, at least it is at the piddly salary I'm making.) So, right now I'm keeping my eyes open for something that will let me have some semblance of a personal life.

I'm also keeping my fingers crossed for 2 friends who have yet to hear back about positions they were supposed to hear back about last week. I hope we all make it out of all this reorganization with our sanity intact and better, more fulfilling jobs on the horizon.

Moderate comments?

2010-08-02T10:23:00.000-07:00

Hmmm... I've been thinking that I should maybe start moderating comments.

I don't want to discourage people from commenting but at the same time I'm starting to get a fair bit of spam (which I think also discourages people from commenting if I'm not fast enough at removing it.)

What say you internet folks?

Take care of your own onions, BEOTCH!

2010-07-28T07:23:00.000-07:00

(Take care of your own onions is the French equivalent of "Mind your own beeswax," and one of my mother's favorite sayings... I just had to use it.)

Jedi stopped by my office yesterday and while he was here he went up to the second floor kitchen and ran into Nosy Beotch (NB for short.) Jedi is actually friends with NB and her husband C and he lived with them at one point for several months. Jedi helped them remodel their ~~house~~ trailer home and all was hunky-dorey.

Except... well... that... even though NB is married and has a kid... she has always seemed a little too interested in Jedi. (That's cause my man is smoking hot-- oh yeah-- in addition to being incredibly sweet.) Additionally, she hated me before she even met me.

She started working in my building around the same time Jedi and I started going out. She was always very cold to me and I just couldn't understand it.

One day-- after an argument in which I told Jedi he'd better come clean about EVERYTHING I didn't know if he ever wanted to be with me-- Jedi admitted that he thought he knew why NB didn't like me.

It turns out that back when we were first dating Jedi had told NB that he would go to a comedy club with her in Boston. He felt sick the day they were supposed to go and he canceled on her. I called him up that afternoon and asked him to go with me to a jazz club. Even though he wasn't feeling well he didn't want to pass up the chance to see me... so he went...

... and my friends took some pictures... that ended up on facebook... and BOY was NB livid when she saw them! (Not that I blame her... but blame Jedi, not me!)

Well, even though none of that was really my fault-- and I didn't even know about it until several months later-- she has persisted in being rather rude and backhandedly mean to me.

Another example-- I had put up on my facebook status on day that "Having Jedi around is better than having a Roomba." (Jedi and I had been laughing about this together.)

NB didn't post anything on my status, instead she just posted, "I think people who compare their significant others to an appliance are horrible."

Geee-- real subtle there, Nosy Beotch. Jedi responded on her profile saying that he thought what I had said was funny, but she never responded.

For the record, I'd also like to point out that when we were making wedding guest lists Jedi didn't include NB or C on his list and I pointed out that he really needed to invite them. That was MY idea, in spite of what a Nosy Beotch she's been.

Well, to get back to yesterday, Jedi ran into her and they proceeded to have a discussion which included Nosy Beotch saying the following: "Are you really sure that you want to marry Hypatia? Are you sure you're happy with her?"

BITCH!

To which Jedi of course responded that he was deliriously happy with me (no, for reelz, he did.).

Sadly, he did not tell her that she should really take care of her own onions!

In-Laws

2010-07-27T07:07:00.000-07:00

Have I mentioned I have the best future in-laws ever? Yes, it's true!

My condo's water heater has been needing to be replaced for about 3 years... (ahem. That would be about the time that I bought my condo! I've been living with rusty orange-colored water for all that time... and of course, the threat of impending biblical-sized floods.)

Well, Jedi's dad is a handy-man extraordinaire and offered to replace it for me...! Yippee, right? Saved me about $300 in plumber's fees.
What did I do with those $300? Well, Home Depot was calling me. I've been wanting to replace my fugly '70s style bathroom fixtures...um...since I moved in. I figured it would be insanely expensive though, so I never looked into it. (Have I mentioned that I'm poor? I mean, yeah, not third-world, poor or anything, and I have health insurance and all that jazz, so I guess that makes me comparatively rich, but believe me, Paris Hilton would blow through what I make in a year in about 30 minutes in a night out on the town.)
So, well, in Home Depot there was this vanity that was positively calling to me...
Jedi's mom was with me (while the guys were looking at water heater parts) and the vanity was positively calling to her too.

Well, I figured, Jedi's dad is a handy guy! Surely he can put this in in 20 minutes! How hard can it be!

So we got the vanity (and I should point out I did not get the $78 fixtures... I got the $24 ones. (Have I mentioned I'm ppppooooorrrrr?)

Little did I know that this would lead to new bath fixtures... and new towel racks... and a new medicine cabinet... and new light fixtures...

... and if I get new light fixtures for the bath, I may as well get them for the kitchen at the same time. And if I'm doing all that, I may as well repaint the kitchen and bath. And maybe repaint the kitchen cabinets. If I'm repainting the kitchen cabinets, maybe I should replace the hardware... and maybe I should paint my entertainment system as long as I've got the paint out. And if I'm repainting the cabinets, maybe I should make some new curtains to match... (and by I I mean Jedi's mother should make some new curtains to match...)

Suffice it to say that I'm now not only the proud owner of a new vanity, I am also the proud owner of a Home Depot consumer credit card! (um. Yippee? It will be paid off in 6 months at 0% interest, I swear! Lest Suze Orman come and hunt me down!)

Jedi's mom is a painter extraordinaire and she's been helping tremendously with that.

Phew! I can't wait to live in my new and improved cardboard box!

Writer's Block

2010-07-23T12:44:00.000-07:00

I want to write a book.

Doesn't everyone?

Not just ANY book... of course!

I want to write a NY Times bestseller!

...of course...

And earn the fame and acclimation (and money!) of J.K. Rowling and Stephenie Meyer!

...(well, maybe just J.K. Rowling. Have you read Twilight? shudder.)...

I have an idea (ok... about a million ideas, but one in particular at the moment...) in my head. It's a great idea! Trust me. If you were in my head you'd think it was a great idea too. (You would be amazed by my breathtaking brilliance, I can assure you.)

I even have most of an outline.

So why can't I seem to actually write the damn thing?

Not even the whole thing... maybe just a chapter?

Why can't I just write a chapter?

I think I need a writer's support group.

Or, well, at least someone to keep me accountable.

As we've learned from my thesis writing, (can you even believe I actually got that done? I can't!), if I don't have someone holding my feet to the fire I'll do something else, something much more important, instead. Like, watch the Real Housewives or something...

I have become a crazy person.

2010-07-16T07:57:00.000-07:00

Remember how I said I didn't want to get too into wedding planning? Well, I still don't! Honest! I swear!

The problem is that I have no money so I keep googling cheap wedding ideas and coming up with great stuff! Which in turn makes me more excited, which makes me want to keep finding new ideas!Now, the thing is, the ideas I'm finding have to not only be CHEAP they have to be EASY! I'm sure you've seen, as I have, DIY wedding ideas that that take eons to make. Yeah, no thanks. If I can't do it in 10 minutes-- while keeping it looking KLASSY, beotches!-- then no thanks.
One slight problem I had is that I didn't know what to do for the wedding cake. My future MIL had originally volunteered to make it (which I thought was crazy, but I was willing to go with it!) Well... then she talked to a friend who has made wedding cakes before and realized it would be about 6 weeks of work to make it. Yeah, I don't blame her for backing out of that one either!

So, I was brainstorming other options and one thought I had was-- Hey! What about those Pepperidge Farm cakes? Now, I don't know if you've had those before, but they're fantastic! Really! If you haven't had one, run out and get it! They have a ton of flavors and the best part is that they're only like $3 each! Sweet, right?

Well. Except for the fact that they look like store bought-out of the box cakes. And like I said, I'm going for KLASSY all the way! So I googled for some ideas... found a lot of bad ones... (Dear lord, one of them --which I won't link to out of pity for the bride-- had just a pile of pepperidge farm cakes, one on top of the other, with no attempt to disguise it! Sad!)... And fortunately I finally came across a really good one!!

Pretty, right? Almost looks professional! All it is is Pirouette cookies along the side of a pre-bought cake and then berries on top. I can tie it with a ribbon that matches my other decorations and-- Voila! Custom cake for about $6!!! (Shhh! Don't tell the guests!)

This comes from Texas Monkey Which I only discovered accidentally, but now I'm hooked.
Some other pretty ideas include these:

Nice, huh?

I'm getting a little too excited about this, I admit!

I'm going to experiment with this tonight. I'll let you know how it turns out!

It's called NETWORKING, you idiot!!

2010-07-09T09:09:00.000-07:00

Jedi is driving me fucking nuts.
And this is making me want to be really mean to him and call him names. (Which I've refrained from doing thus far. Aren't you proud of me? My therapist is proud of me!)

Now, to be fair, I walked into this relationship knowing these were Jedi's failings and my eyes were wide open. I weighed the pros and cons and decided that having someone who was nurturing, unfailingly kind, and thoughtful was worth more than having someone who was ambitious, worldly, and could spell.

That doesn't mean it doesn't drive me fucking nuts.

As I've mentioned before, Jedi hates his job and is actively looking for a new one. He's settled back on teaching/working with kids as his career path. Ok. Fine. I'll support him in that. (I did convince him to stick to elementary education because frankly middle schoolers and high schoolers would eat him alive.) 4-6 grade would be a good fit for him, I think, I can honestly say that.

To help him get more experience working with kids I put Jedi in touch with the husband of a friend of mine who runs the Boys and Girls club in our area. Lo and behold they were looking for volunteers over the 4th of July, so we volunteered and were happy to help out, and Jedi made some good contacts with people who run other programs and have other opportunities. Jedi had a good conversation with a guy named Kevin and Kevin said, "Email me! I'll put you in touch with so-and-so who runs such-and-such. I also run ABC program which I'll need some help with if you want to volunteer for that. I was a principal in xyz school and I know all the principal's around here. I can help you out and serve as a reference if you need one in the future."
Now....

Wouldn't a logical person think that Kevin was offering to serve as a reference AFTER Jedi volunteered with some of the programs he runs? Hmmm...? Given that he'd known Jedi all of 2 hours when he said this?

The Following is the text message exchange:
Me: (a week after meeting Kevin) Have you contacted Kevin yet?

Jedi: No.

Me: You should get his email from [Friend's husband.]

Jedi: ok.
...A day later...

Me: Have you contacted Kevin yet?

Jedi: No.

Jedi: Ok, This is the email I'm going to send him. "Hello Kivin,[sic] I was wondering if I could use you as a reference? Can you call me? -Jedi"

Me: [inside my head and over text] NNNNNNOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! [Inside my head, "You DOLT!!!!]

Me: You can't send him that! You don't even know him yet! Don't send anything yet.
Jedi: What am I emailing him about then?

Me: [In my head: "YOU IDIOT!"] To get more info about the volunteer opportunities and to get the email for so-and-so who runs the rec program!

Jedi: I can ask [friend's husband] about that.

Me: You need to make contact with Kevin and form a good relationship with him before you ask him for a reference! Esp. since he's worked with all the schools around here. It's called NETWORKING!!!!!!!! [In my head: "You IDIOT!"]

Jedi: Don't get mad.

-----------------
Like I said, aren't you proud of me for keeping the name-calling in my head? I told my therapist that I am undoubtedly a bad person who should not be getting married if my instinct is to call the man I love an idiot (even if it is only inside my head. Who knows when that might just slip out of my mouth?)

Sigh... All this is while I'm in the middle of (online) dress shopping during my lunch break.
Which makes me think-- Have I turned into one of those people whose focusing more on the wedding than the marriage? God, I hope not. This exchange does make me wonder though if I'm doing the right thing.

In other news... wanna see the dress I picked out? Look away now if you want to be surprised!It's from David's Bridal-- Which is a shitty shitty store, I know, (which I always swore to avoid) but at the same time I'm very poor. I like the style of this dress though and it's cheap enough that if I get it and hate it my future mother-in-law (she of the mad sewing skills) can use it as a pattern and do it in a fabric I like. (e.g. NOT cheap industrial polyester. Ew.)

Additionally, do you have any idea how HARD dress shopping is when the nearest bridal shop is 2 hours away!? Freakin-A! The weird thing is the David's bridal seems to be the only place that actually tells you their ACTUAL prices on their website (everyone else has some variation of $, $$, $$$, $$$$... which is effing STUPID given that depending on the website $ could be $100 or it could be $1000. WTF?) This also makes wedding dress shopping nearly impossible... and then add to that that I'm what they delicately call plus-sized... which seems to relegate me to a muumuu or tent variation. (Also, have you noticed that the plus sized dresses seem to have excessive beading and lace and ugly shit on it? Is that to detract from my hideous plus-sized body? Cause it ain't workin'!

They have a 14 day return policy-- this dress is only available online, so I think I'm going to get it and just see how it goes. Wish me luck!

Rethinking

2010-07-08T09:20:00.000-07:00

Hmmm... I am now rethinking my potential future career as a counselor after seeing these pay stats.

How stark! eegads! Do I want to shell out $60-70k to make what I'm making now? No thanks...

Am I crazy, or what?

2010-07-08T07:41:00.001-07:00

Sooooo.... Remember how excited I was to be DONE with my thesis? And potentially DONE with school FOREVER?!

Well, for a few years I've been toying with the idea of being a therapist. However, in my area there aren't any part-time programs and I am a little too afraid to quit working in order to go and do something like that full time.

I was idly looking online for a program similar to the one a friend of mine is in (only she's in San Francisco and I live on the East coast, so that particular program is out.) Her program is great though in that it meets for 1 weekend a month and the rest is online.

Weeeeelllll ... It turns out that Penn has a similar program! 1 weekend/month + 1 week in the summer!

Now, Penn is about 7 hours from where I'm at-- Not great, but doable if it's one weekend a month, right? There's also a train directly from my town to Philadelphia (though that is a 10 hour trip, somehow, inexplicably...)

The big catch? The program is $67k, by my calculations. EEEGADS, right? (As compared to similar programs nearby which are full time but would only be about $20k.)

*sigh* Right now this is just and idle thought-- I wouldn't even be able to apply until next June anyway, so I have some time to think about it.

The idea of being able to set up a private practice is very appealing, but I don't know if I'd be able to justify the cost. (I'm very wary of loan debt! I've managed to get through school with only putting $5k on a credit card (0% interest, thank you very much).

I even looked into Penn's tuition assistance program for employees (assuming I could get a job there... but who wants to live in Pennsylvania? eww.) but that would only cover 50%. Worth uprooting my life for? Meh. I don't know. I've grown accustomed to my little town and I like it. I wouldn't mind moving, but only if it was to someplace like the Bahamas or Paris or something more exciting than where I'm at now. Philadelphia? Not better than where I am now. (IMHO, YMMV and all that.)

So, do y'all think I should go for it? Or just stick to what I'm doing now and thank my (mostly) debt-free stars?

(PS- I should add that they have a distance learning doctorate program as well which seems pretty sweet-- Same type of set up-- 1 weekend a month, and it's only a 2 year program... But it's only $20k (odd, no? I may be wrong about that-- It may be $40k... hard to tell from their site if that's the cost for the entire program or just 1 year.) That one is appealing too-- Because I would really love Dr. in front of my name!-- But at the same time I feel like the counseling degree would give me more flexibility. I'd love to open up a private practice, but it leaves the door open to continue to work in a college setting. I can't decide which one would be best... Probably the doctorate would be a better return on investment, but I feel like the counseling one might be more satisfying. Choices, choices, choices... and all of this is assuming I get IN, of course.

I'm also a terrible snob (as well you know!)... and the fact that it's Penn makes me feel better about the investment. I don't think I'd be considering it if it was someplace like DeVry or U of Phoenix... )

Worst Blogger Ever!

2010-07-06T08:08:00.000-07:00

Wow! Practically a whole month since I've updated! Am I trying to drive what few readers I have away, or what? I'm really sucking at this blogging thing at the moment... and I don't even have an excuse like a thesis to fall back on anymore either! (Can I blame the heat wave? I feel totally lethargic!)

I guess maybe is that part of the reason I'm not writing is that I don't feel like I have much to say these days! My life is calm and not angsty which doesn't make for great reading, eh? I mean it's angsty in the sense of ... "I don't know what I'm going to do with my life..." but there's not much I can do about that right now, especially as I think it's only fair to let Jedi complete his Associates, which he will hopefully do in the fall.

Well, all the stuff about money got cleared up. Everyone is contributing a modest amount, so back to kumbaya and all that!

I suppose I can tell y'all about wedding planning, eh? I'm doing my best not to talk to people in-person about it because there's nothing more boring than someone else's wedding... I'm aware of this!

I'm trying to do the wedding with the most minimal fuss and planning possible. I scoff- (SCOFF I tell you!)- at theknot.com's planning checklist! So much pointless stuff! So redundant!

But here are the things we have:
Rings!
Attendants!
Church!
Reception Space!
Caterer!
Invitations!

(I'm particularly proud about the invitation one! I'd been freaking out about the cost of invitations.. (so pointless for something people are just going to throw away!)... The cheapest ones I found were $1.44 each! And that was if you bought over 200 of them! Eegads. And that was not including reply cards or anything like that. But... Yeah! I was at my local super store this past weekend and right there on the end of the clearance aisle was an entire section of WEDDING STUFF! yippee, right? They had boxes of 50 invitations marked down to $10! They included all the envelopes, reply cards, ribbons, vellum, etc. Sweet! So, we got three boxes!

.... and then over the weekend I changed my mind for the style we originally picked out... and I panicked... and I went out and bought 3 boxes of a different style (but they were still on clearance, and I can return the others... so still not bad!) But that was my little Bridezilla moment. Jedi was slightly annoyed-- Mostly because I kept asking him, "Are you SURE you like these ones?" YES! "But I mean, are you REALLY sure? Or just KINDA sure?!"

Incidentally-- We've decided to do without reply cards. Is that terribly gauche of us? I just feel like it's an added mailing expense (both coming and going) that is unnecessary. We have a website where people can register online and we'll have the phone number up as well where people can RSVP. So, is this a terrible faux pas or not? I could wade into the forums of theknot.com to find out, but I'm a little afraid to venture there. Just going to the site itself is enough to make me crazy.)

Other items we got from the clearance bin:
Favor boxes! (Which we'll fill with Jordan Almonds, a traditional treat at French weddings.)
A veil (Which I don't even know if I'll wear-- probably not-- But it was only $3, which is great given the cost of veils (crazy $$$ if you haven't checked lately!)

Also, I think my future mother in law wants to make the wedding cake-- Which I think is CRAZY. I keep telling her she really doesn't need that stress the week before the wedding but she wants to try it out. Well... I'm happy to taste her tries anyway! Cake isn't really important to me so even if it's imperfect I don't mind-- (Just as long as it tastes good! I'd rather have a great tasting cake than a pretty one!)

I had hoped she would want to make my wedding dress but she keeps saying, "NO WAY!"... Which is too bad because she actually has mad sewing skills. She says THAT would stress her out too much. To me that seems weird since a cake is much more unpredictable than a dress, I think, but I'm fine either way.

This weekend we're going to a discount fabric place about an hour away and we'll pick out fabric for the table runners. Keep your fingers crossed that we find something good because the rest of the wedding will be based on that!

My plan is to take the pattern from the table runner and incorporate it into the invitation and then take the colors from it and incorporate that into the rest of the decor/accessories. Hopefully all for cheap! I think we'll forgo flowers (unless we can convince the ones in the garden to grow!) and go for candles instead. (12 candles for $6 at Wal-Mart baby! Klassy all the way!)

So, that's where we're at... Pretty good, dontcha think? For the entertainment I think I'll hire some student bands (very good ones).

The only thing I don't really have under control is a photographer. I was hoping someone on Jedi's side of the family might have some talents in that area (because my side doesn't) but no luck. Prices are CRAZY! $1000 for 3 hours? Um, yeah, no. That's like half the budget. So, not too sure what to do about that...