I'm more brilliant in my head

Hey my semi-faithful readers! Did you know that I compose posts in my head at night before I fall asleep? Approximately 0% of those posts actually get written, but I assure you-- they're brilliant! And insightful! And witty!

Tragically for  you, you are stuck with the daytime-me who can barely pull a comb through my hair. It's amazing, you should ask Jedi-- I'm actually super-productive starting at about 10:30pm... but the rest of the day, forget it.

So, all that to say that I had a wonderful post all planned out about how I wanted to put my life more into balance.  Ah! Balance! Or, should I say, "Ooooommmmm" {picture lotus pose here}

Except, I might be inviting more un-balance (ok, I know that's not a word!) into my life.  Because....

..... I just got accepted into "Regional" University to pursue an Ed.D in Higher Ed Administration.

Yippee! Right? (I know you can't see me, but picture Debbie Downer saying, "Yippee" and you've got the picture.)

I mean, yes, this is a good thing. I wouldn't have applied if I hadn't wanted to go. I evaluated my options and this is really the best program for me out there. This one allows me to keep my full time job (a good thing in this economy), take courses over the internet & the equivalent of 1 weekend/month & a few weeks in the summer.  It's relatively quick-- 2 years for the coursework, 1 year for the dissertation.  It's very reasonable, comparatively speaking-- $23,000 for the entire program.

So. All good things. All things that say, "DO THIS."  And I know I will probably do this. Doing this means that I can apply for jobs that pay more money, which is a mostly good thing -(mo' money, mo' problems though... in the management side, I mean. So, I'm actually kind of ambivalent about that.) Doing this means I have more options for the future, so yeah, I should do this.

But. *sigh* on the other hand... balance. I already feel like I've taken on too much between the two-ish jobs I'm doing, the additional (unpaid! yippee) work I've been asked to take on, the church stuff I keep getting voluntold to do, the community work I do, and the after-hours student programs I do.  It wouldn't be a lot for most people, probably (Just do all that and toss a couple kids in the mix, I know...) but I just feel like I need time for reflection.

And, also, I keep thinking-- is this what I want to be when I grow up?  I mean, is it?  It's kind of late to change now, practically speaking. And I like what I do, really, honestly, I'm very lucky to do what I do.  But who, on their deathbed, has ever said, "Gee, I'm so glad I was a mid-level college administrator all my life!"  (Not that I want to be a high-level college administrator; that just leads to lots of headaches.)  It's just that I want my life to be about more than that, and right now it's not.

I keep going back to the idea of writing. But, you know, I've had time to write. Lots of time. And I haven't done it. (And, honestly, I may not even be particularly good at it, but that's ok-- I'm not trying to write a magnum opus or anything.) But I keep having this dream. And I'm paralyzed by fear and indecision.

But I think I've come to a semi-decision.  I have three weeks to accept the offer of admission, in which case I would start in January.  Or, I could defer my start date until the spring.  So, I think that what I will do is devote some serious time in these next 3 weeks to writing.  If it goes well, if I make progress, if I feel like I can keep going... then I'll defer until the spring.  That's a good compromise for now, right? Right.

Now how to find time to go the the gym? Hmmm... maybe we'll stick with only one major life change at a time, eh?

My brain is full

This, I think, is only one aspect of my general inability to commit to any one task or activity (as mentioned below.)

The real problem though is that my brain is full of useless shit.  My brain can't turn itself off and so I think about this useless shit, all the time.  I think about trivial pop culture stuff, like how I used to root for Theresa but it's become increasingly clear that she's the drama-causing nut job.  Or how Jessica Simpson might or might not be pregnant or how she might or might not just be a little fat (or both) and really, whose business is it anyway if it's either or none of those things?  I also worry a lot about things I can't do anything about.  I worry about stories I read about girls in Pakistan being "honor" killed because they were gang raped ... (I worry a lot about this, and other similar stories.  I keep thinking, like Peter Parker, I've been given a great deal in life, and so a great deal will be required of me.  But really? What is a tangible thing I can do?  I support charities like Women for Women International and local DV/SA organizations, but what else?)  I worry about the environment and I worry if I put my plastic bottle in the wrong bin. I worry about the recession (double dip!) and whether or not I"ll have a job in a year.  I worry about our condo and that I'll never be able to sell it. I worry we're going to live in 600 sq ft forever, and if we eventually have kids I worry we won't be able to afford them.

These are mostly minor worries (in my first world existence) I know.  I also know that (most) of these things will find some kind of a resolution without my help.  That's not actually the point I'm trying to get at (though I do think the free-floating anxiety contributes to my chronic depression.)  What I'm really trying to get at is the sensory overload that comes from being constantly connected-- via computer, ipad, tv, phone... etc-- means I have lost any kind of ability to focus.   For example, I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE to read... but how often have I actually sat down to read a full-length book this year? Twice! (And both times on my kindle app!)

All this to say that I am thinking of unplugging for the month of November.  (Or maybe I should start mid-Oct?  Hell! Why not today!?)  The reason I'm thinking this is for nanowrimo.  I mean, yeah getting a go on that writing project I mentioned ... oh, a year and some months ago... would probably be good.  But mostly because I am frittering away my energy and attention on useless things... like hitting the refresh button on facebook a million times.  And for what? To find myself getting more anxious and getting less done.

Now, I know this is easier said than done-- after all, there are some studies (too lazy to look them up here) showing that there are some very true addictions to electronic devices and sites like facebook...  Facebook and email, like slot machines, work on the same pavlovian concepts that make dogs drool at the sound of a bell. Unhooking from them is easier said than done, but I do feel like I should make a real (as opposed to half-assed) effort.

The question is... on what level do I disconnect?  No non-work related internet? (Other than blogging about it????) No internet shopping? NO FACEBOOK. No browsing on phone.    I think I can do that.  I'm hesitant to say no TV, only because the truth is that I don't often watch TV... I mostly just have it on.  But, then again, that in itself is a problem.  On the other hand, I've always done my writing with the TV on in the background, so If I"m planning on writing then maybe I should leave that out of the equation.  On the other hand, maybe I'm just looking for a justification to keep the Real Housewives? Hmmm... what say you?  And, will I do this alone?

I can't get no satisfaction

What is WRONG with me?

No, seriously... (well... maybe not. Maybe I don't want an answer to that.)

Everything in my life at the moment (knock on wood) is coming up roses.

I have a great new job (that will-- knock on wood--become an officially permanent one... otherwise I'll be SOL come July) that is much more fulfilling that my last one. It's also much more relaxing. I have a really great boss (who will, sadly, not be my boss come July--her choice to move on), I feel respected, I feel valued, I'm treated like a grown up-- (unlike these poor women who work for the world's worst boss.), I'm told I have future opportunities for professional growth.

I have Jedi in my life-- the kindest and most thoughtful person I've ever met. Jedi has a great new job which has helped his health issues.

The wedding planning is going along well... things are (mostly) within budget. Think I may even have a reasonably priced honeymoon location.

I have my health, I have a roof over my head, (knock on wood!!!)...

There's nothing wrong... and yet, somehow, there's something wrong with me. 

I'm just so dissatisfied for no reason at all. Really! Not a single reason that I can think of for being dissatisfied! (well, other than I would like a larger closet. But other than that...)

And yet, I look around at my life thinking-- "Is this all there is?" 

I know that some of this stems with my annoyance with myself in regards to my writing project. What--other than myself-- is keeping me from actually doing it? What's kept me from doing it the last 10 years? What will keep me from doing it 10 years from now?

Five years ago I actually wrote out a contract with myself promising that I would have not one--but THREE-- completed manuscripts by July of 2010.

Heh. You can guess how that deadline fared.  While I do want to give myself a deadline for this new project I worry that it will have the same fate.

What's that old definition of insanity again...? Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. *sigh*

I know I would feel better if I could just start getting something on the page. I've felt, for a long time, that it's something that is important to me in my life.

Well, if it's so important, what's keeping me from doing it.

I know I CAN do it.

There are people who say, "what you're afraid of isn't failure, it's success."

Um. No. Sorry. Bullshit. I don't believe that. I'm looking forward to success :-)  I just worry I won't be successful. I'm afraid I won't have the stamina or drive to get there.

You always hear stories about people like Steven King who wrote 30 manuscripts and got rejected 400 times before making it big.  Yea. well. I already know I don't have that kind of drive.  So, I am afraid of that.

However, before I get to the rejection stage I have to get past the writer's block stage. (And, can I even call it writer's block? I mean, I'm able to write semi-coherently on this blog just fine... in fact, the more i procrastinate the more I write here! Lucky you.)  I just can't seem to get the ideas in my head down on paper and I can figure out what's stopping me and I have a feeling that this dissatisfaction with life in general won't be solved until I figure that out.

Updated 103 days ago

... or, My! How time flies!

... or, Fuckity, fuckity, fuckity, fuck!

Remember how, oh, probably about 103 days a go, give or take, I had said something along the lines of, "I really need to start writing regularly on that book I always say I'm going to work on..."

No? You don't remember?

Oh, well, apparently neither did I.

Well, ok, that isn't quite true... I've thought about writing numerous times. Believe me, I know that writing is a muscle that if not exercised (like my flabby behind) will atrophy.  I can't even say that it's because of a lack of opportunity. Nope. Nuh-uh.  I've found myself with more free time--in the last two months especially, having changed jobs to one that doesn't expect me to work every night and weekend-- and in being out of grad school-- than I have had in the past 3 years.

I'm kind of kicking myself since it's not like I've used that newly found free time to actually go to the gym or take an art class or take up cake decorating (um, maybe I should put that one on hold for awhile and stick to trying to go to the gym, huh?).  I've definitely THOUGHT about writing. Like last night. I thought about it. Then I decided to check a few more blogs and fiddle around on the internet and watch a dvr'd episode of Oprah. (Have I mentioned that I could really use a new car, Oprah? That would be awesome!)

There's nothing like logging into google docs though to have your procrastination documented literally in front of your face. "Last updated 103 days ago." Eee gads!  Even if I had only written one page per day (the very modest goal I set myself) that would mean I would have 103 more pages than I had 103 days ago. In a year I would have 365 pages and that's a whole damned book.

Oh, internets! How I disappoint myself!

Don't get me wrong-- it's not as though I think I somehow have the next great American novel in me or anything. No, I have no goal other than to write the next great trashy romance novel. Why? Because I love them-- I love the wonderful escapist fantasy of it, I love that everything works out in the end and the bad guys get their comeuppance... and I love that it's one of the most commercially successful genres and it's something I might actually be able to make a buck off. (As opposed to the great American novel which only my heirs would be able to make a buck off of once it becomes required reading in every high school in the country.)

That is- I could make a buck off of it if I ever got off my (flabby!) arse to write it! Come to think of it, I don't even need to get off my arse at all. And isn't that the whole appeal of writing?

I had tried to form a critique group with a couple of friends who are aspiring writers but that fell flat and then so did my motivation to get things written by certain deadlines.

So... any motivational ideas, interweb friends? If you come up with the winning solution I might just have to dedicate my (sure to be award winning) book to you!

Voyeuristic pet peeve

I read a fair number of other blogs, mostly anonymously, and nothing bugs me more than when a blog suddenly goes dark or when frequent posting turns to once-a-month posting.

What can I say? I get my kicks from reading about other people-- it's a real life soap opera. I've also learned a lot from blogs-- especially all the child rearing and parenting and birthing and breast-feeding blogs out there. No, I'm not at that stage yet, but I anticipate I will be someday, and hearing about other peoples' experiences is not only interesting in a voyeuristic sense but also informative.

Some of my tendencies to 'spy' (well, if people put it all out there, is it really spying?) are a little less noble though, I'll admit. I used to frequent a message board that was a marriage message board (I can't remember the name now! It was 5 years or so ago...) I had followed links to the site where people were specifically gawking at posts made by teenage brides in a trainweck sort of way. Think of it like Teen Mom but happening in real-time right in front of me! It was impossible to turn away!

I particularly got hooked on a pair of sisters-- The older sister (can't remember her name- -Cathy?) was Catholic and very religious and though she had just turned 20 had already been engaged once previously. That ended and then she married a guy she met online after 3 months of knowing him and intentionally got pregnant within a month of getting married. The second sister was named Stephanie, (17?) and though she was ostensibly very religious and Catholic as well she got pregnant within a month of her sister by her long term boyfriend. She still lived at home and claimed that she would not need any sort of public assistance because she had a job being a nanny and so she'd be able to bring her kid to work with her (she worked for her parents babysitting her 3 year old sister) Of course the people who drew my attention to this pair were rather trollish in their comments on the board and the sisters' journals got password protected after about a year or so... and I never found out what happened next!

I know it's silly, but I totally got hooked on their story! I mean, yes, it had all the hallmarks of being a totally disaster, but I was kind of rooting for them nonetheless. (And hoping they would figure out that birth control was not evil!) And now I'll never know what happens next! It obviously had an impact on me since I'm still thinking about them 5 years later.

There are other blogs I'm similarly addicted to and by all appearances these blogs have significant followers (like 30+ comments on each post!) even though they have a super sporadic posting schedule. From what I can tell this may be due in part to their fairly provocative names? Like- "The sexy blog of sexy things"... even though the author ends up writing more about what she had for breakfast than much else. (I admit to being somewhat jealous of the following though I'm surprised I have any followers at all given how boring my life is! Maybe if I wrote about how Jedi and I got it on 11 times yesterday people would be more interested in what I have to say? Hah.)

Anyway, all that to say that if you post a comment on this blog I do usually follow up by looking at your blog though I don't always post (bad me! I know how comments keep me from feeling I'm posting into the void!) Last night I stayed up until 2 am reading the backlog of posts from just such a blog.

One of the reasons I really used to to this was because I wanted to know what led up to the "Happily Ever After" (Or, at least the wedding, which in Disney-speak is one and the same!) I loved reading blogs that were already "completed" so-to-speak. A blog in which someone had already found the love-of-their-life... but the blog was started long before that moment. I loved reading back and seeing if I could identify that moment when "Random Dude I'm Dating" became "The One." Sadly, I never really found any sort of illuminating pattern I could hold onto as some sort of indication that I would have found my own "The One."

Jedi could very easily have stayed in "Random Dude I'm Dating" territory. Sometimes it scares me to think of how easily I could have (sometimes did) dismiss him-- how I could have missed out on the amazing guy who is now part of my life.

That's part of why I read blogs-- to find those patterns that probably don't exist-- so that I can look for them in my own life. I'd hate to miss out on a good thing.

(And, ok-- The drama. I love the drama too...)

Writer's Block

I want to write a book.

Doesn't everyone?

Not just ANY book... of course!

I want to write a NY Times bestseller!

...of course...

And earn the fame and acclimation (and money!) of J.K. Rowling and Stephenie Meyer!

...(well, maybe just J.K. Rowling. Have you read Twilight? shudder.)...

I have an idea (ok... about a million ideas, but one in particular at the moment...) in my head. It's a great idea! Trust me. If you were in my head you'd think it was a great idea too. (You would be amazed by my breathtaking brilliance, I can assure you.)

I even have most of an outline.

So why can't I seem to actually write the damn thing?

Not even the whole thing... maybe just a chapter?

Why can't I just write a chapter?

I think I need a writer's support group.

Or, well, at least someone to keep me accountable.

As we've learned from my thesis writing, (can you even believe I actually got that done? I can't!), if I don't have someone holding my feet to the fire I'll do something else, something much more important, instead. Like, watch the Real Housewives or something...