Slice of Life

That's all a blog is. It's a slice of life. It's also a pretty public journal in which I vent and kvetch about life.

It's a lot easier to write when you have something to kvetch about... and so this slice of life is pretty narrow. The joys and good things don't make an appearance as much as they should, probably.  For example, I recall telling you that Jedi was unhappy with his job and desperately looking for a new one SEVERAL times... and yet after he got a (wonderful!) new job I don't think I mentioned it until he'd already been at it for a few weeks. Oops! My bad.

That's not to say that I wasn't overjoyed when he got it. That's not to say that I'm not overjoyed with all the good things in my life... it's just easier to write about the bad/annoying things.

Yeah, I just complained about my future MIL. I may have given the impression that I dislike her. In fact, I probably gave the impression pretty forcefully. That's natural. I'm pretty mad right now. But I don't dislike her. In fact, I like her quite a bit. And so, in the interest of fairness, let me enumerate her many wonderful qualities.

1) She's a wonderful mother. She really is. Yes, in many circumstances I find her to be over protective and coddling of her kids (certainly different from my own growing-up experiences), but that's only because she cares so damn much. She's made a lot of tough decisions in her life made exclusively with her children's welfare in mind.  Whereas I have spent my entire life doubting whether or not my mother really loves me I know that Jedi has never had a shadow of a doubt. Her love is an all enveloping thing.

2) She's incredibly thoughtful. She invites people she barely knows over to her house. She makes their favorite foods. She accommodates special request, she always fusses over how people are doing, she tries to be as inclusive as possible. She hardly knew me at all last Christmas and yet she made me feel like I was intimately part of the family. She welcomed me with open arms.

3) She is genuinely concerned about things like racism and social justice. She acknowledges that she's not as knowledgeable about such things as as she'd like to be and she actively tries to learn more, since it's only since starting her job 3 years ago that she's been exposed to these issues. She's very concerned about her students and strives to make them feel welcome.

4) She's a wonderful daughter. By all accounts her mother is a terribly difficult person (though it's not something I've personally experienced, though I'm told I need only wait.). Her mother is racist, and mean and selfish and a bully.. (um, ringing a bell, anonymous commentator? I could tell you some stories about what it looks like when someone is actually those things), and yet Darth deals with her lovingly, with patience, and with care.

5) She's a wonderful friend. She's the type of person you can call on at 3am to pick you up when you're stranded in the middle of nowhere. She's the friend you call on when you need someone to help you host a party. She's the friend who takes in a homeless dog. She's the friend who doesn't give up hope or support for the friend who is in an abusive relationship. She's the friend who volunteers for everything. She's the friend who buys the perfect Christmas present because she heard you mention that you liked it 6 months ago. She's the friend whose home is always open and whose refrigerator is always full. She's always there when you need her and she never asks anything in return.

6) Superficially, she has excellent taste. Her house looks like a pottery barn catalog...  on 1/10th the budget. Which leads me to point 7...

7) She's frugal! 8) And industrious! She (and Vader, to be fair) take on daunting projects all the time. Painting, sanding, building lamps out of spare parts, hand-making gifts... her home is always impeccable (though she always claims it's a mess).

9) She's generous. Not just with things, which to my mind, are easy enough to be generous with. She's generous with her time and her skills. She didn't think twice about helping me and Jedi refinish and paint cabinets-- which took about 5x the amount of time and labor we had estimated. Never once did she complain or bargain and say, "If I do this, then you do XYZ."

10) She's the good kind of Christian. She lives by the golden rule. She is open minded. She lives simply and in kindness, always striving to do good. She never thinks of what she can acquire for herself, but what she can give to others.

... I could go on... Perhaps at some point I will... But 10 things I like about my future MIL. That's 2 more than the things I'm angry about.  And this is what goes on in the background. This is the little slice of life that you, dear readers and commentators, don't see enough of.

I may be, at times, alternately selfish, childish, a bully, judgmental, etc. At times I may have been all of those things. But that too is just a tiny slice.  I like to think those aren't my overwhelming characteristics since there are some people who seem to find my presence tolerable. (But what say you, readers I know in real life? Are you all masochists, which is the reason you hang out with me?)

This little slice of the internet is my own corner where I can work out my issues. Since there are often no commentators on any posts it's easy enough to imagine I'm writing for myself in my own journal. And so, I know the full background of any issues and situations, though you may not.

I enjoy the commentators though because you do often prompt me to look at things in a new way. 

Similarly, I realize that it probably seems as though I'm holding the "wedding" as some sort of ransom tool to get my way in things. (For Jedi's grades? Yeah, I"ll cop to that. I totally am-- Only because I do not feel that goofing off and playing video games instead of studying is a "grown up" thing to do... and I refuse to marry someone who is not a grown up.  He's stepped up to the plate, which is all I've asked of him. I don't think it's an unreasonable request-- much in the same way that someone else might make "hold down a job" an ultimatum to prove that a partner is responsible enough to take on marriage.)

My issues with getting married have as much to do with my own familial issues which I've only briefly touched on in this blog. Rest assured that there is 20+ years of traumatizing experiences that say "MARRIAGE IS BAD" to me.  So, for me to have gotten to the place where I have a DATE on which I'm going to get married is a big fucking deal.

And so, again, I want to point out that my waffling on marriage is NOT because I'm waffling about Jedi. It's because certain situations/events are things that I find triggering and cause a resurgence of doubts that tell me to run away as fast as I can. It's taken about 6+ years of therapy to get to the point where I can stand still and let someone love me the way that Jedi does.

And so, again, all you're seeing here is a very brief slice which surely make it seem like I not only have cold feet but that I have my feet permanently encased in ice. I get that. It's certainly easier to write about those times I have doubt than all the times Jedi has made me feel loved, and secure, and as though the only right thing in the universe would be for us to be together forever. (But then again that's pretty schmaltzy, and who wants to read about schmaltz?)

Then again, perhaps tomorrow I'll enumerate all the reasons I'm with Jedi and why I love him and truly want to be with him. And that too will only be one small slice.

Is Paris Worth a Mass?

 I'm having a fight with Jedi's mother... (And by extension I suppose, his father.) Have I nicknamed them yet? Hmmm... Perhaps I shouldn't nickname them while I'm in foul mood. But, I mean, after all, if Jedi is Jedi... shouldn't his parents be Darth Vader and whats-her-name?  (Actually, Jedi's ringtone for his mother is the imperial death march that's the Dum Dum Dum from Star Wars...) So, I suppose it's appropriate to dub them Darth (mom) and Vader (dad). Let's go with that, huh?

It's kinda funny, because I've never had an issue with his parents before. I mean, anyone would tell you that they're the nicest people, but right now I'm just so angry with them that I just want to say to hell with it for the wedding. I just keep thinking-- do I really want to be shackled with these people for the rest of my life?  Sure, Paris is worth a mass... but is Jedi?

Ok, ok, yes, I'm being melodramatic as is my wont, and it's this same flair that got me into trouble in the first place.  So, here's a little background to catch up up quickly:

Vader reconnected with an old friend of his --we'll call him Tom-- on facebook. They hadn't seen each other in 20 years and then suddenly, within a few days of reconnecting Vader unilaterally invited them to come up and visit.  Tom then invited himself to stay overnight for 2-3 nights.

Now, when Darth related this story to me she did so laughingly but also in saying that she was annoyed that Vader had invited them without asking her, and that she found it weird and creepy that they were staying 3 days, these people were virtual strangers, etc. On top of that both this guy and his wife have been unemployed for a long time.  I told her she should stand up for herself, grow a spine etc...  (laughingly, mind you! But I stand by it!) and then made some further jokes about how they were probably grifters who were coming to live with them to take over their lives and that I better send Jedi over that weekend to make sure they were still alive. Darth laughed & agreed and we went about our merry ways.

The Monday after the weekend I happened to be at Darth's office (if you recall, we all work in the same place, which is how I met Jedi-- Blind date set up by Darth's boss Ramses.)  I decided to stay for lunch and people were talking about what they did over the weekend.  Darth mentioned her visitors and I made another joke about how they were lucky they hadn't been killed and how Tom totally looked shady in his pictures. I had his picture on my phone (through facebook) and I handed it to Ramses and I joked, "Doesn't he look like he belongs on "To Catch a Predator" or something?" (BTW readers, he TOTALLY does.  The joke may have been in poor taste (ymmv, I didn't think so) but I stand by my assertion that he would fit right in on this page. Even if perhaps I shouldn't have said so.)  Well, Darth laughed (even though she's now claiming she didn't,) and said, "You're so silly," and the conversation moved on and that was it. Or so I thought. Hell, we even went and looked at wedding invitations after that! Darth seemed totally normal and in good cheer. (***make note of this because it's where my major source of ire comes in.)

Well, several days later (because this happened on a MONDAY, mind you) Jedi is at his parents' house and his dad comes up to him and tells him that "Hypatia has really upset me/us with what she's been saying. It's totally inappropriate... she exaggerates... It's really upset Darth... You need to have a talk with her (*note source # 2 of my ire)... we're very angry... etc." Jedi got out of there pretty quickly he said because he didn't want a confrontation and also, didn't have much knowledge of what was going on in the first place.

Jedi comes home and now HE'S all upset because of what his dad said and also because his dad apparently intimated that he would withdraw his support for the wedding.

Well... fuck this. I was livid. Do I really need to itemize the reasons I'm angry? Please tell me I'm a reasonable person and that you would be angry about this too.  Why am I angry? Let me count the ways:

#1) If Darth was upset she could have simply pulled me aside and said, "Actually, what you said made me uncomfortable and I'd appreciate it if you could stop that."  Result? I would have apologized and we would have been on our merry way.

#2) Darth in no way every indicated or let on that she was *so* upset.  I'm not a fucking mind reader.

#3) Not only did she not in anyway indicate that she was upset, she acted as if everything was fine. AGAIN, I'm not a fucking mind reader.

#4) She didn't address me directly. Instead, she went roundabout and had the "menfolk" deal with it. How fucking passive aggressive.  I learned how to deal with my issues head on in 2nd grade. Apparently she missed the memo.

#5) The whole thing with Vader sure seemed a lot like he was telling Jedi, "You'd better control your woman." Darth is totally passive and submissive, but I sure as hell am not. (and PS- Jedi LIKES it that way.)

#6) Jedi is now upset and drawn into this, which was totally unnecessary.

and... #7)  This one requires a bit of background.
I made comments to Darth a few times about, "I wonder what you say about me when I'm not around."  She was pretty offended and exclaimed, "I'd never say anything bad about you." (yeah, that's the side-eye I'm giving my gentle readers through the screen.) I brought it up a couple more times... each time she was very offended.

But, um, duh. Do you think I might have a REASON to think she does so? Like, maybe the fact that she is all sweet to a co-worker she can't stand? Hell! She gives her a ride to work sometimes, she even gave her an award and talked about what a great employee she is... and yet, to me, talks all the time about how she can't stand her.  She does similar things with her mother, her best friend, acquaintances... Why the fuck would I think I'm somehow immune to that?  I didn't.

Don't get me wrong-- I don't think Darth does this maliciously-- I think she's just venting, like we all vent. THE DIFFERENCE is that Darth really is very passive.  She hates conflict and so never addresses issues head on.   It makes me roll my eyes to even write that because I cannot stand people who complain about shit yet never do anything to make it better. There's a difference between venting and trying to manipulate people into doing your own dirty work. (In this case, Vader confronting Jedi so that Jedi would confront me, so that Darth wouldn't have to confront me herself. ew.)

Frankly, this is so different from my own modus operandi I hardly know how to react to someone like this. I'm very straightforward (ok, confrontational), in-your-face, I don't mince words.  Now to most people (aka my soon to be MIL) these are not only undesirable traits but in the same way I don't know what to make of her, she doesn't know what to make of me, I think.

In my own family we're a crazy loud bunch of yellers-- which, ok, probably isn't so healthy either-- but at least you know where you stand with people. With Darth I don't feel like I know where I stand because she's fundamentally not honest about what she's feeling.  And I have a major hard time dealing with that.

Like, seriously-- how am I supposed to intuit that I've upset you? Just speak the fuck up already!

Frankly, if Darth wasn't Jedi's mother she'd probably be a friendly acquaintance at best because I feel like (while not intentional or malicious... I know it's just how she copes) I can never trust her to be honest with me.

So... anyway... Darth and I went back and forth over text and then email a few times (She tried calling me, but as I said, I come from a family of yellers and I know I could not have kept myself from yelling at her which certainly wouldn't have helped matters-- so I opted to write an email instead.)

In her email she also mentioned that she was upset that I had said that she needed to stand up for herself and get a spine. (Again, I stand by it!)... But this gets to another issue-- #8) The fact that every time we go back and forth about this it turns out there's something else that comes out that she's upset about.  And so, while this is ostensibly about this particular incident, I also think that it's about the untold number of times that I've upset her in the past year and that she hasn't felt comfortable saying something. Which, again, is fucking annoying.  And, also-- It's not my responsibility to know when you're mad.

I feel like there should be a statute of limitations to how long you can be annoyed about something that you haven't fucking had the guts to confront someone about. Why should it be that other person's problem? Especially if you're going around and acting as sweet as peaches and cream to that person! How on earth is that person supposed to know? 

In the email I basically... pretty much... laid it out for her as I did here. Including-- yes-- the part about how I don't feel I can trust her because she's not honest about how she feels and she is two-faced about other people as well.

Ok, so maybe that wasn't the most conciliatory thing to say, but at this point I don't give a flying fuck. (Have I mentioned that a few times? I think I have.)  And frankly, it's the truth.

She wrote back to say that what I wrote was very hurtful and that she wouldn't discuss this over email or the phone, but only in person.

You should be proud of me for not writing back, "The Truth Hurts."

Frankly, I don't really feel like discussing this in person. If she thought I was hurtful in person I know she just be even more hurt by my yelling.  I also feel like I said what I needed to say... but that I also know she's not going to change. I mean, she's gone 50 years sweeping things under the rug. What's another 50 more, amirite? Bleh.

I know I should just suck it up, apologize, let her sweep it under the rug and let things go back to being peaches & cream... but... I just can't.  I know I should, for Jedi's sake, but I just can't.

Because? Well, frankly, I haven't married him yet.  And I don't fancy spending the next 50 years of my life dealing with this passive aggressive bullshit.  I say lance the wound rather than letting it fester.

Getting married is important to Jedi. If we have to put off the wedding until his mom gets her shit in order? Well, it may not happen. But right now I don't fancy dealing with someone I can never be sure is being honest with me and with whom I can never be sure my words and actions won't be held against me in ways I won't know about until it blows up.

Fuck. My family has enough issues of their own. I don't want to sign up to take on these issues too. I've had enough therapy to sort out problems stemming from my family. I really can't, for my own mental health, add other people's bullshit to my own.

What say you, wise and worldly readers? 

I can't get no satisfaction...

I just quit-- I should be happy, right?

I mean... I am... I guess. I just don't feel happy. Does that make sense?

I'm sure it doesn't, actually.

*sigh*

You know how scientists say people have a natural "set point" for happiness? Well, maybe this is mine. Maybe I'm just inclined to always feel a bit of malaise. Maybe I'm just a big whiny baby. I don't know.

I was actually feeling fine up until a few minutes ago when I got an email from my soon-to-be boss' boss. There was NOTHING bad in the email... but she pointed out that I should have maybe waited to ask my soon-to-be-boss for permission to do something so that it didn't seem like I was going over her head.

*sigh*

Why that should trigger a downward spiral, I'm not sure-- Maybe because I'm so used to being micro-managed where I am? Maybe because I'm used to my ideas and initiatives being shot down where I am? It just left me doubting my decision-- have I moved from one untenable situation to another?

Logically I know that's not the case. This woman responded perfectly nicely and was sure to couch her mild rebuke in between lots of flowering praise for taking initiative. That's worlds away from the situation I'm in now, so I know it's not the same thing.

I can't help feeling as though it is though.

I'm also a bit disappointed and hurt that my future MIL isn't going with me on the latest dress shopping excursion. I know that's stupid since she's been shopping with me 2x now, so I know it's not personal... again... it still feels that way though.

I have to say, I'm damned lucky that I have Jedi and that he is as constant and effusive in is praise, love, and admiration for me (to a nauseating degree sometimes). And no, I don't think it's because we're in a "honeymoon" period-- That's just frankly his personality. It's a nice contrast to my own gloomy-gus attitude most days.

Good thing I'm going to therapy tomorrow since I'm obviously a basket-case.

Wedding Dress Poll!

Dress #1

Dress #1 Back- (The lace up back is what they had in the store, but I'd get it like the one above if I got it, I think.)
Dress #1 Back






Dress #2- I was going for a "Mad Men" type look for a wedding dress, but I don't think this is as flattering... thoughts?







Dress #3- This was the saleswoman's idea.



Dress #4- Back
Dress #4 Front


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Ok interweb friends! I know I said that I was ordering my dress online because I live in podunksville... it just so happened that I went to the moderately-sized city (3 hours away!) this weekend and it just so happened that they had a David's bridal there.

As you may recall I had wanted to order a dress (for $200ish) and then have my future MIL remake it in a NICE fabric. Frankly, the David's bridal crap feels like it's made from shower curtain liners. However, I do have to give them kudos for not only carrying plus sizes, but also for carrying them in the store!

I figured since I was there anyway I may as well try the dress I wanted on and at least make sure I ordered it in the right size. While I was there I tried on a few others and I sent the pics to my mom, future MIL and aunt...

... SIGH...

While I DO want their opinions I'm now terribly confused! They were pretty adamant the the dress they liked was NOT the one I had originally picked out. I'm not terribly keen on the one they liked best... but in looking at the pictures I do think it was more flattering than the original one I had picked out.

All this to say that I think I'm going to have to go shopping for more dresses!

Oh- one other problem with the dress they all liked? It's $600. And I would still want it in a different color/fabric. Sigh. That would probably bring the price up to $900 and I can't really see that making sense, yanoo--? I mean, if I'm going to spend that I may as well spend it on something I like to begin with! Not something that I would need to completely change! So now I'm totally freaking out about dresses!
(I'm also freaking out about photographers because they're crazy expensive, but that's a post for another day.)

So what say you, interwebs? Dress #1 #2 #3 or #4? Leave your answer in the comments! I can't do this without you!

In-Laws

Have I mentioned I have the best future in-laws ever? Yes, it's true!

My condo's water heater has been needing to be replaced for about 3 years... (ahem. That would be about the time that I bought my condo! I've been living with rusty orange-colored water for all that time... and of course, the threat of impending biblical-sized floods.)

Well, Jedi's dad is a handy-man extraordinaire and offered to replace it for me...! Yippee, right? Saved me about $300 in plumber's fees.
What did I do with those $300? Well, Home Depot was calling me. I've been wanting to replace my fugly '70s style bathroom fixtures...um...since I moved in. I figured it would be insanely expensive though, so I never looked into it. (Have I mentioned that I'm poor? I mean, yeah, not third-world, poor or anything, and I have health insurance and all that jazz, so I guess that makes me comparatively rich, but believe me, Paris Hilton would blow through what I make in a year in about 30 minutes in a night out on the town.)
So, well, in Home Depot there was this vanity that was positively calling to me...
Jedi's mom was with me (while the guys were looking at water heater parts) and the vanity was positively calling to her too.

Well, I figured, Jedi's dad is a handy guy! Surely he can put this in in 20 minutes! How hard can it be!

So we got the vanity (and I should point out I did not get the $78 fixtures... I got the $24 ones. (Have I mentioned I'm ppppooooorrrrr?)

Little did I know that this would lead to new bath fixtures... and new towel racks... and a new medicine cabinet... and new light fixtures...

... and if I get new light fixtures for the bath, I may as well get them for the kitchen at the same time. And if I'm doing all that, I may as well repaint the kitchen and bath. And maybe repaint the kitchen cabinets. If I'm repainting the kitchen cabinets, maybe I should replace the hardware... and maybe I should paint my entertainment system as long as I've got the paint out. And if I'm repainting the cabinets, maybe I should make some new curtains to match... (and by I I mean Jedi's mother should make some new curtains to match...)

Suffice it to say that I'm now not only the proud owner of a new vanity, I am also the proud owner of a Home Depot consumer credit card! (um. Yippee? It will be paid off in 6 months at 0% interest, I swear! Lest Suze Orman come and hunt me down!)

Jedi's mom is a painter extraordinaire and she's been helping tremendously with that.

Phew! I can't wait to live in my new and improved cardboard box!