Keep the old

This article from Salon touches on something I've been meaning to write for awhile. Though the author of that particular piece seems a little blind to her own privilege (money, college, nuclear family, following convention in marrying college sweet-heart at 23) that led to her relationship with her friend drifting apart, I recognize how painful it is.

I was never the type of girl who put whichever guy I was dating ahead of my friends. (Partly because I never dated anyone for long/seriously, I admit).  However, this was still a VERY conscious choice. I saw firsthand in my parent's divorce that friends are there for you when the "love of your life" isn't.  I swore I would never put myself in a position where I depended solely on a "significant other"-- I'd seen often enough how those types of relationships ended up. The woman ended up both without a relationship and without any friends.

I also swore that I would never cancel plans on my friends because some guy came along. I promised myself that I would continue to make time for my friends-- after all, they'd been there for me long before some guy came along, my first loyalty was to them.

What a hurtful surprise it was to realize that my friends would make those choices for me, and start cutting me out of their lives.

Not all of them, but some I considered a very good friends. And it hurts. 

We used to talk for hours on the phone, hang out, go to movies, shopping, dinners out-- the usual. We were at the same points in our lives We would commiserate over jobs we didn't particularly like, over school work, but especially over being single and what crappy dates/choices we had.

We graduated from school. One particular girl struggled to find a job in her field of study. I got a new job I love. She's been on bad date after bad date, and had several short lived relationships. I met Jedi. She's bemoaning getting older and being single. She didn't acknowledge my birthday.  Her phone calls come less and less. She doesn't answer when I call her. I find out later that she made plans, to something she would know I'd love to do, with friends I introduced her to, and she didn't include me. I find out this happens a lot.

I made a point through all of this to continue to invite her to things, things she would blow off. I would be very conscious of asking about her life, talking about things that were important to her, mentioning Jedi only incidentally, never talking about the wedding. When I do talk about my own future plans I can see the pursed lips, the barely contained eyerolls, the judgement.  It seems she's no longer the person I became friends with.  There's a way to disagree with my choices, (as supergirl has done), while still being supportive.  This friend and I used to support each other. I wanted to continue to support  her. I don't feel like she feels the same.

It makes me supremely sad. Female friendship went beyond the bonds of male-female relationships for me. It was supposed to transcend them. That's what I was taught, and that's what I always believed, and that's what I was prepared to show.

I wasn't always nice to Jedi as a result of this. I made it clear that he took second place to my friends. I was wrong to do that. They should at least have been at equal footing. I know there are those who say I should have/should put Jedi first.  That still makes me really uncomfortable... but I recognize that if Jedi were "just" a friend, and not my partner (key word there), he would have proven himself to be the most loyal friend in the world, over and over and over again.  Why then would I put a friend who has proven herself to be unsupportive ahead of him, regardless of our relationship status?

There's a song I remember singing in girl scouts-- "Make new friends, but keep the old, one is silver and the other's gold."  I desperately wanted to keep the old. Who knew that it would be them who would shut me out?

THE dress.

Npapaya was kind enough to go dress shopping with me last weekend. While down in the "Big City" I had 3 appointments with three different shops.

Well, let me just say how totally depressing it would have been had I not found THE dress in the very first store we went to. Not only that, it was also the very first dress. Thank God! The saleswoman was actually nice-- she was like an angel sent from heaven,-- tragically that was also her last day. (Probably because she was too nice. The store owner was a horrible bitch to her while we were there.)

This is THE dress. I'm not posting a pic on here because Jedi doesn't want to see it... and since he sometimes checks the blog... well... Better that it be a link.

I was SO happy to find that dress. When I put it on I just KNEW that was the dress. I felt gorgeous in it, it has everything I was looking for, it's the right color, it has straps, it is "different" -- it's old-fashioned yet not fuddy-duddy... I just LOVE IT!

Ok, it's a little out of my price range... ahem... by, um, about $700... But, in the grand scheme of things that's actually not so much, I think.

I do have to tell you about the rest of the day though. Ugh! It was so depressing! At the first store I did actually find a couple other dresses that were pretty, but they weren't a "wow." At the second store they only had two fairly fugly dresses and at the last store they had 3 dresses in my size and only one looked halfway decent... and it was really nothing special.

I can't even tell you how excited I am about this dress. First of all, I never thought I would find something that really was "me"... I was pretty sure I'd have to settle for something that was simply ok. Second of all, I feel really pretty in it. Even if I didn't lose a single pound I'd still be thrilled to get married in that dress and I'd feel like the prettiest girl in the room. (Funny thing is-- I actually looked up the dress online and I feel like the dress on the model is totally fugly! I think it's because the model is stick thin and this dress requires curves! If I had just seen the dress in the ad there's no way I would have wanted to try it on.)

Speaking of women with curves, am I the only one who finds "Say Yes to the Dress: Big Bliss" completely offensive? I mean, why do "big girls" have their own show? Are they a separate species or something? Why aren't they integrated into the "normal" show? Are "big" girls not normal? Cause that seems to be what they're implying. Additionally, the women in the ads seem to be exhibiting the worst kind of stereotypical "big girl/diva" behaviour, saying things like, "Mmmm... my curves are so juicy... Girl, if you've got it, work it, etc." (I'm paraphrasing.) Um. Ew. Look, I'm all on board for women who are larger than average having good self-esteem and for being able to find pretty things to wear... but that kind of stuff not only seems to be all about overcompensating but it also is very off-putting. The brides are described as, "Sassy" and "Confident"... doesn't that seem to be code for... I don't know... in romantic comedies the heroine always has a "sassy" best friend-- and often times that's what "big" girls relegated to in real life as well-- as though they're not the heroines of their own lives. That's what this offshoot show sort of feels like-- You're not good enough to be on the show with the "real" heroines... everyone knows you're "different."

Anyhoo-- that's how I sort of felt about that.

But yea! I found my dress! Yippee! (Now I live in fear of them discontinuing it! I'm going to put a deposit down now, but they won't actually do my measurements until March... that's a long time!)

What a difference a year makes...

A year ago (tomorrow) Jedi and I will have been going out for 1 year.

I mean, technically we didn't start going out exclusively until sometime in October (I can't really remember when) but we did meet one year ago tomorrow.

Who could have guessed, right? In this post from a year ago you can see I didn't really have high hopes. If you had told me at this point last year that this year at the same time I'd be trying on wedding dresses I would have told you that you were clearly insane because-- #1) there's no one to date in my podunk town and #2) there's no way I would move that fast!

This should probably teach me a lesson in making pronouncements of which I feel certain as I'll only end up being wrong. (Dear Universe, There is NO WAY I would ever win the lottery. Especially not $90 Million dollars. Especially not in tonight's Powerball drawing! I dare you to prove me wrong.)

Speaking of shopping for wedding dresses, my mother is giving me the silent treatment since the last debacle in which I yelled at her for being an unsuportive beeotch. (Believe me, she totally is. I swear I'm not just being a Bridezilla or something.)

Npapaya (Yes, she of the "Always Right" fame in the aforementioned post) has been kind enough to agree to go with me to try on dresses on the 25th. We have to go to a town an hour away to try stuff on, but we're going to 3 different stores and each store has 4-6 plus sized samples (wowwee. If we lived in a metropolis I think I know how I could make beaucoup bucks-- open up a plus-sized wedding dress shop.) I'm hoping that each store doesn't have the EXACT SAME DRESSES (as has happened in other locations) but we shall see.

In any case I think that after that shopping trip I will have made up my mind. If I still haven't found anything I like better than #5 I think I will go with that one.

P.S. to Jedi if you ever get around to reading this-- Happy Anniversary, Sugerplum. Mwah!

The road not taken...

EEEEEEEEKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!

Ok, internet friends! I have a DILEMMA!

I just found out yesterday that I was accepted into a program that is for a Masters of International Diplomacy that is jointly in Australia and Norway (5 months in Norway, 5 months in Australia), and specializing in Peace and Conflict studies.

It is an AMAZING opportunity, yes?! I applied for it totally on a whim. I didn't think they'd ACTUALLY accept me!!! (Fools that they are! Bwahaha!)

The details on the logistics of the program are all a little fuzzy right now because the "official" letter hasn't arrived, they just sent me word via email.

So.... there are 2 big questions about this...
#1) How do I pay for it?!? (and is it WORTH the money!?) (It doesn't look like Australia has a financial aid system set up through the university the way that they do in the US.)
and
#2) What do I do with Jedi?


So, for #1)... I had told myself that if I got a scholarship I applied for at the same time as the program (which I don't know if I've gotten or not, but I'm assuming NOT since there was no mention of it in the email) I would DEFINITELY go. (Duh.) However, if I DIDN'T get the scholarship, I totally wouldn't go.

Ha.
Um.
Well.

Now that I've actually been ACCEPTED I'm rethinking that whole "not going" thing. But the money is still the issue.

I should add that I've been fortunate enough to study at 3 different universities and not paid more than nominal fees for any of it because of scholarships that I received. Given the quick turn around time (the program starts in August) I don't know that I would have time to secure any other sources of funding other than perhaps a student loan. All told, I'm guessing $50,000 in debt-- between tuition, living expenses (AND FLIGHTS!)...

I'm looking into deferring for a year so that I can secure more funding-- I don't know if that's an option.

(Additionally, I have a mortgage! Gotta figure out what to do with my place! Tragically, Jedi would not be able to afford to live there on his own unless I was able to contribute around $400/month to his living expenses!)

So... yeah... I feel in a BIG quandary about this.

Would I go if money wasn't an issue? HELL YES. Does that mean I should go if money IS an issue? ... I'm not sure. I will have a masters (almost-- in June!) already (and from an Ivy.) Is this worth the additional investment? Don't know. Is it worth it in terms of life experience? Most definitely.

I do not want to live an unlived life!

As for Jedi...

Well, he's Jedi. So, he's being wonderfully supportive and proud of me even though he's all sad-face because he doesn't want me to be gone for so long.

I understand that. I'd miss him terribly. But.... This is ONLY for 10 months. A drop in the bucket in terms of a lifetime.

He wants to come with me... Um... Yeah... I can't really see that working. WHAT would he do in Australia & Norway!? I don't think he'd be allowed to work on a tourist visa. And he's got school to finish HERE! (and he's got his own bills to pay as well.)

One of my mentors thinks I should bring Jedi with me anyway... My mom is all "You don't want to lose him now that you found a good one..." (Um, thanks mom. If 10 months apart meant that I lost him, perhaps that would be a sign we shouldn't be together?!)

I want to be respectful of his feelings, but in this particular instance I think that being apart would be worth it in the long run. Have I mentioned that Jedi plans to be a stay at home dad? (I'm on board with this plan, as he is the most caring person i've ever met... But that means I'll need to earn BEAUCOUP BUCKS.) I think that having this degree would give me a leg up in job hunts... it's certainly an unusual thing, I think, to say-- I have a degree from France, from Ireland, from the US, from Australia and from Norway. I would think that would make someone looking at my resume take a second look.

On the other hand... (and I can hear Npapaya in my head...) WHAT do I hope to accomplish with this degree? What is my career plan?

The truth is, I don't know.

I think Npapaya (Who is a fabulously wise woman and mentor in addition to being a great friend) would say that if I don't know I probably shouldn't be doing it.

But... But... But... I WANNA do it!

I've thought about going into government work... maybe living overseas... working in an embassy. (Doesn't everyone?!?) I mean, I've also thought about working in the theater... working in Higher Ed... Becoming an author... becoming a therapist.... so it's not like I've narrowed down my life plan or anything. But. Well.

HOW AMAZING WOULD THIS BE?!

If I didn't do this, would I spend the rest of my life wondering what could have been? Probably.

But is it $50,000 worth of Amazing....?



That, dear friends, is the question.

Who are we kidding?

Jedi and I went out of town this weekend (which sounds more exciting than it is...) to visit one of my former colleagues and to do a little shopping. Sadly, for us, a "little shopping" entails at least an hour drive, which explains why we're nearly in April and I still haven't used my Target gift card from Christmas. I haven't been NEAR a Target in since November. (Feel sorry for me... feel very, very sorry!)

So we made our bi-annual pilgrimage to that self-same hallowed store. We wandered around quite a bit, idly gawking at all the shiny, glittery things we could purchase that we would never be able to acquire in our po-dunk town.

Jedi and I have been talking for awhile about getting various pieces of furniture -- such as armoires or storage ottomans-- because at the moment all of his clothing and other possessions live in plastic boxes under my bed.

We came across some flat-pack furniture which was actually quite nice, and on top of that it was discounted 50%. Not bad! After a little thought and discussion, Jedi decided to purchase a dresser.

We had dinner with Npapaya latter that evening, and Jedi said something along the lines of, "Now I can store a few of my things at Hypatia's place."

To which she replied. "Who are you kidding? It's not just Hypatia's place anymore. It's your place too."

Hmmm... I think a few months ago I would have taken issue with that. Now though? I'm surprisingly ok with it.

Jedi put together the dresser as I slept this morning. He woke me up like a little kid at Christmas to show me what he'd done. He said, "Now it doesn't just feel like I'm visiting..." Awww.....

He also said, "You need to watch the knob on this dresser, it's a little loose. So if you put away my laundry, be careful."

Bwahahahaha.... Oh. wait. Was that a intended as a SERIOUS statement? Bwahahahaha..

Sickness and Health

I had surgery last week. I didn't mention it because it was an out patient procedure (Septoplasty and tonsillectomy) and I figured I'd be back up on my feet in a few days.

Whooo hooo was I wrong. I am in AGONY.

Thank GOODNESS Npapaya was able to help me, and of course Jedi has been waiting on me hand and foot, and even Jedi's mother (I guess we'll call her Queen Amidala?) took time off of work to take care of me.

I really underestimated the amount of help I'd need... And my family has all moved far away at this point. Thank goodness I have such great people in my life who are willing to step up.

5th wheel...

Poor Jedi!

Last night I got together with a crowd from work that used to work together.... (and then, LAYOFFS! Grrr....)

It was supposed to be a large crowd, and the organizer specifically said partners/kids were invited... and she invited Jedi by name.

And then... people canceled or didn't show up and I didn't realize it was going to be such a smaller crowd. There ended up being only 4 women (including me!)... and Jedi! Whooops!

He sat quietly most of the time... which, frankly, I appreciated. He didn't complain, but I know it's not fun to sit and listen to people you don't know talk about other people you don't know. Whenever he opened his mouth to talk-- I wished he hadn't. (Is that terrible of me? Probably.)

Like I said, it's not that Jedi is dumb-- he's not. He's just uninformed in general--(which I'm working on. The nightly news now figures as part of our routine... shocking, I know.) The problem is that he'll join in on a conversation but be about 2 steps behind everyone else.... and not realize it. I admit it, it makes me cringe.

That wasn't so much the case last night (I can't expect him to be up on the details of evil coworker's baby, when the truth is that even I barely care about evil coworker's baby. Like I said-- terrible person. Feel free to throw tomatoes at your monitor,) but it's certainly the case most of the time when I bring him out in public.

It's weird-- in private, I don't mind his general lack of knowledge so much, because he IS curious and wants to learn-- he just hasn't been exposed to much. In public though I feel like it reflects poorly on me, and I just want to be like, "Stop talking!!!" (I know, I know--terrible person...!!!)

I know I'm in the early stages of the relationship and so I'm inclined to overlook things... but I do wonder if this will end up being a deal breaker. On the other hand, I also know that he generously overlooks many of my flaws. If the worst I can say about him is that he isn't up on current events, in the grand scheme of things, how important is that? The problem is that I don't know the answer yet.

Don't Fuck This One Up!

"Don't fuck this one up."

Those are the wise words of my straight-shooting therapist. I would be offended at the implication that I have fucked up other 'ones' if I didn't know it to be true. My flight instinct is still in high gear though I'm trying to fight it. I admit though that as much as I like Mr.2young I'm still looking for the character flaw that will allow me to kick him to the curb. (Harsh, I know...)

And, intuitive guy that he is, Mr.2young confessed that his fear is that he's going to do something that is going to give me a reason to do that.

*sigh*

Do I feel bad about this? Somewhat. Is this totally unfair to him? Absolutely. Which is why I'm not letting myself end it though my instinct is to do so.

I enjoy the time I spend with him. When I'm with him I don't have any doubts or fears because I'm just in the moment. But when he's gone all those insecurities come flooding back.

I feel like a drowning swimmer who, when the lifeguard comes to save him, fights and thrashes instead of letting himself be saved, thus drowning the lifeguard as well. I don't want to do that.

I went against my instincts and invited Mr.2young to a jazz club on Friday with about 10 of my friends. I was nervous. He was nervous. (Again, he worried that if they didn't like him it would be an excuse to get rid of him. Like I said, smart guy.)

I like to keep my different worlds from touching. Sometimes they interact-- such as when Nell (A Grad Student friend) and Npapaya (A Work Friend) came over the other night. Rarely do the twain meet though, and I like it that way. This group on Friday was my 'Grad Student friend' group, which is probably worse than having him meet my work friends. I would say that my work friends are a little kinder, more understanding. The grad students are great, but totally bitchy. (In a super fun way!)

The grad student friends knew both Muckraker (because he was a grad student), and Science Guy (Because I invited him for dinner with them once.) They obviously liked muckraker (even if they did find him super shady), but none of them liked Science guy for some inexplicable reason. The only thing they would really say is "He's not good enough for you." Which... frankly... was totally not true. I don't know by what definition they were using "not good enough." He was nice (if a bit immature), smart, well-educated (post-doc), well-established, generous, and into me. But... whatever.

So, yes, I was nervous as to what their opinion would be... imagine my surprise when only half-way through the evening my friends started giving me surreptitious thumbs-up. I got numerous people saying, "We really like this one!" "So much better than the last guy!" So... yippee...? :-p

He spent the night on Friday and I had to work on Saturday. He was supposed to spend the night on Saturday and Sunday, but I cancelled on him. No, not because I wasn't feeling it, but because I'd been around people WAY too much this weekend. I'm an introvert at heart, and I need a lot of space and quiet time to recuperate after being around people.

I do know that this might seem crazy... like, why would I prefer an evening alone (with Don and Betty Draper!) to fun times with a real, live, cute guy... ? Right? But it's really about my own sanity and needing space. I have forewarned Mr.2young numerous times about this-- that it's not personal, but that I need lots of alone time. He seems to get it (or, at least if he doesn't he feigns understanding quite well.)

I might see him tonight. I'll probably see him on Wednesday if we go to a play together.

(PS-- Another example of my craziness? I told him he needs to stop telling me I'm beautiful and gorgeous. It just makes me too uncomfortable. Probably because *I* don't believe it, and so therefore it feels like he's lying to me. Yes, yes... I need professional help. Don't worry. I'm getting it.)

In which Npapaya is right... (as always.)

I had a date with Mr.2young last night and I was surprised to find it more enjoyable than I had anticipated. (I know, I know... with such a great attitude, it's a wonder I don't date more often! Ha.)

We met up for drinks and had a good conversation for about an hour. He then asked if I'd like to continue on to dinner. We waited awhile for a table, and then eventually moved to the pizza joint down the street because it was taking too long. I covered the drinks (paid when he was in the restroom,) and he covered dinner.

He was cute, funny, down-to-earth, and really, REALLY nice. I have to give him major kudos for making an effort to dress up and look nice (and he did!). He seemed very considerate as well.

Now, for the down sides--His life is kind of a mess at the moment, but he's working to get it back on track, and he's back in school to become a history teacher (in the meantime he works in a warehouse). He also currently lives with his parents. In spite of my super-snobbish ways I don't fault him for any of these things... And this is really where his age is a benefit. If he was 28 or 29 and living with his parents I'd be running far, FAR away. But, I recall where I was at 22 and it wasn't much different from what he's doing. However... I see how far I've come, and there's a whole hell of a lot of learning between 22 and 28.

Given the age difference the fact that he said he couldn't see settling down at a 'young' age left me ambivalent. On the one hand I certainly applaud the sentiment, not being a big fan of settling down young myself. On the other hand, as I mentioned before, I can't really wait around for him to turn 30 (or older!)

I actually did have a good time. Other than the age thing (and, oh-- he's southern and really rather religious, which doesn't quite work for me...) if he were older and more established I would totally give him another shot.

Which means I should probably give him another shot now, right?

*sigh* I know, I know. It's like Npapaya has pointed out many times-- The truth is I just don't really want to be dating. (Ha... I'm like one of those republicans who SAYS she wants healthcare reform but then nixes any actual plans to reform healthcare... ha. Just as an aside.)

Oh. I should probably also mention that I did something that was in rather poor form last night. I kept mentioning that it was getting rather late, that I should probably be going, that I had to get up early tomorrow. (It's the truth. I'm just wiped out at the moment. It's a really busy season at work.) I eventually said I had to go, and I figured it was probably close to 11pm when I left. (Yes, I probably should have asked.)

Well... Imagine my surprise when I got home and checked the clock and saw that it was only 8:30pm. Ooops!

I figured he must have thought that I was giving him a total brush off!

However, he had emailed me before I had even gotten home to ask if I wanted to go to a concert next week. (I can't. I'm working!) I did apologize though and let him know that I really wasn't trying to make a getaway, and that I'd be happy to get together again.

We'll see. On the one hand I really do like him. On the other, I really don't feel like it has any place to go, so I shouldn't waste my time (or his.)

On the third hand, he seems to like me. And I like that. And he's nice. And I like that too. So... maybe I should give it a shot?

(Oh, btw... Since he was once studying to be a minister I really doubt I can anticipate any good ole fashioned fornicating. Bummer.)

Well Done, Young Jedi!

I must say, thus far I am very impressed with Mr. Far-too-young-for-me! (And, I probably only say he's far too young for me because he's the same age as some of my students... though he is NOT my student.)

But, I have to give him massive praise for outshining men 20+ years older than he is!

When I told my co-worker to give Mr.Young my info, I didn't really expect him to be in touch. Hell, even guys many years older fail to be in touch, and it always is kind of an awkward scenario to cold-approach someone.

However, Mr. Young emailed me a nice, funny, cute, and direct email! Good job!! (He even used proper grammar! Bonus!) He endeared himself to me immediately, and he was very quick to say, "Would you like to get a drink sometime?"

Bravo!
He showed initiative! He was direct! He was courageous! (It does take courage to randomly approach someone!)

No wishy-washyness! No meandering emails that never go anywhere! No psuedo-passive-aggressive doucheyness!

Well Done. Well Done. He could teach his elders a few tricks.

We're getting together on Wednesday.

So, does this make me a "cougar"?

How young is too young for someone who is 28?

22 is too young... right?

(No, he's NOT one of my students.)

A totally random colleague wants to set me up with his AA's son. (Weird, I know.)

Ah, what the heck, right?

I do think I'll feel somewhat creepy though...

The TeaMaster

Did I mention that Descartes is a Tea Master ? (Ok, I'm not quite sure what this means... But I really LOVE tea! I do!)

Maybe The TeaMaster should be his moniker? (Oh, why am I even thinking about this, given that I know it's going to amount to nothing, and indeed-- that's part of the reason I like him. That, and the fact that since he's such an unknown he makes a good cipher to project my fantasies onto!)

But whatever... I still really like this picture above.

I bring him up because.... HE ASKED ME A QUESTION!

Whoo hoo! It's almost like we're having a conversation! (Yes, I'm being rather ridiculous!)

And to keep the conversation going, I asked him a question in return!

And he did say that he'd like to get (our dogs) together when he comes into town in the future... (which is... unknown. *sigh*) BTW, I'm going to go out on a limb and wildly state that "our dogs" is a euphemism for something else.... ha.

I'm not quite sure how to keep the conversation going... but hopefully it will.

(Nell tells me that she's betting her brother is pretty confused at this point-- Like, "Why is this girl so persistent! Doesn't she know I'm on the other side of the world!? She hasn't heard from him in awhile though.)

Nell did tell me something that I thought was rather amusing. I met her father last winter and had dinner with him and Nell. It was a fun time (the power went out, it was an adventure! The funny thing about that is that Nell had invited Muckraker to that same dinner in the hopes that he and I would get stranded up at the cabin together... ha ha! I only found this out recently. But I appreciate her ingenuity!)

I ran into her dad around town a few other times, and I said hi, but that was about it. Nell said that ever since last winter her dad keeps asking about me. She said, "Dad adores you! He thinks you're a firecracker." Ha ha! And then she added, "I think he talked to Descartes about you as well."

Ha. I would give a million dollars to know if that is true (Nell can be fuzzy on details. She's a little ditzy.), and if so, what was said.

I do like being labeled a firecracker!

Small inroads?

Since we have already established I'm a total dork, I don't mind sharing this with you, but please don't mention it to anyone else...

I was looking for reasons to talk (well... talk via facebook anyway) with Descartes... (hmmm... not fond of that nickname actually, but we'll go with it for now).

Looking back over some pictures I had I realized that on the day I'd met him I'd taken like 30 pictures of his dog. (This is not THAT weird. My camera was out because I was taking pictures of his sister Nell. We were having a picnic. Sadly, I did not get any pictures of Descartes...)

So, I tagged him in one of the pictures of his dog and his sister... Just... you know... so I would have a reason to communicate with him.

He wrote back to say, "Thanks, cute picture."

Hey! At least he wrote back, right!? *sigh* I know, I know... this is going no where... (Not the least of which because he lives in San Francisco. Which, yes, is farther than Boston, as Npapaya pointed out to me. She pointed this out because I'd been questioning the wisdom of going out with someone who lives in Boston, which is about 2.5 hours from where we live. SO. Yes. Touche.)

But, now that I've made small inroads, where do I go from here? If anywhere?

Not Surprised, Kind of Amused

So, it's been 2 days and I haven't heard back from the guy I went out on the coffee date with. I had emailed him after our coffee, and after he had indicated that he would like to see me again.

Therefore, why am I not surprised that I didn't hear from him? Because of the vibe I got from him when we met. He had very much the air of someone who had once been very popular in high school, but that his life hadn't quite lived up to that potential. Things like his insistance that he wasn't the type of person who HAD to go online to get a date (you know. Unlike the rest of us losers. Ha. Yeah right.) His mention of another girl he'd met online and how even though he didn't want to go out with her again, it made him feel good that she contacted him to get together again. (I don't blame him for this. I certainly feel the same way... in fact, sometimes when I'm looking for a bit of a self-esteem boost I'll put a profile up on some sites that I haven't been on in a long time. There's always a bunch of new emails when you're new on a site.)

Like I said, not much invested in this one, and the vibe was kind of off from the start. BUT I do find it amusing that he was really insistant about wanting to see me again when I left, and now he's not responded. Maybe this is progress... at some other times I would have been depressed by this, I think.

The OTHER thing I'm amused about is Muckraker. The dude has ISSUES. (Not that we didn't know this...) My friend Nell asked him out a little while back and evidently he got really uptight and said, "I don't think of you that way."

The reason this is funny is because we all have a mutual friend--Mary-- that I was having dinner with last night. Mary mentioned that Muckraker had confided in her earlier in the summer that if Nell were free (she is, she just had some lingering issues with an ex.) he would really like to date her.

I couldn't stop laughing... I think I know why this dude's single.

And in Not Surprised, but kinda bummed news: Descartes had written back to me after accepting my friend request, and I had written back a somewhat flirty little email.

No response.

*sigh* Nell says that she's not surprised, that her brother is the kind of guy who wouldn't know what to say because he's so shy.

My friend Dee thinks that I should email him again... but really? How could I really do that without coming off as a crazy person? I think I'll just have to keep my fingers crossed that he comes here for the holidays and try and engineer a get together at that point.

My Latest Crush...

I think it's always good to have a little crush. Good to daydream about, and helps to feel a little less hopeless about the whole dating thing.

My latest crush is my friend Nell's brother. (Hmmm Gotta get him a nickname perhaps... Descartes?) He's a pretty good crush as he lives across the country, and so there's not a chance of anything coming to pass... which makes him pretty safe to fantasize about, and not get my heart broken! (I know, I know... My issues. I'm working on them.)

I mentioned him briefly before (though I can't find the damn post. So much for my categorizing skills.) He is originally from this town, though he now lives WAY across the county on the West coast. He came into town briefly in the summer to donate a kidney to his sister. (Sniff... Sniff... Doesn't that make him lovable right there?!) When I met him I thought he was cute, but he seemed very uninterested. I ran into him and Nell again about a month after the surgery, and again-- he seemed nice, but uninterested. (As Nell keeps saying to me-- HE HAD OTHER THINGS ON HIS MIND!!! Like A KIDNEY.) Yes, yes... excuses, excuses!

She did mention to me after he'd left that he thought I was cute. To which I replied, "REALLY!? Because I thought he was cute! And did I mentioned I'd move across the country? Because I TOTALLY would...!" (And, he happens to live in San Francisco, where about 50 of my dear friends live, and they're always trying to get me to move out there. Tempting!) So, when Nell went to visit him a few weeks ago, she happened to mention that I liked him.

Apparently he's quite shy (and a total dork-- her words... But I'm a fan of dorks! He's a mathematician,) so nothing really would have come of that... except...

Npapaya was all, "You should friend him on facebook!" To which I replied-- "Um, that would make me look like a crazy stalker!" (Nevermind actually google-stalking him. I have no qualms about that. The APPEARANCE is what counts.)

When Nell came to visit me this afternoon though we were looking at people on facebook, and we looked up her brother. She was like, "You should friend him!" So, I wrote him a note telling him that Nell had told me to do this, that we were sitting here having tea, and that I always do what Nell tells me to do."

He accepted my friend request. (Phew! This will make stalking SO much easier... especially as he has a common name! ) He wrote back, a friendly response, and I sent him a kind-of flirty one. Hopefully he'll write back!

As I was perusing his facebook page though, I fell even deeper into crush with him... He's kind to animals! And small children! He's well traveled! He speaks French! He's a total dork who says things like, "nicotine is an MAO-B inhibitor," in random wall conversations! He is all together very adorable.

And... And... And...! I LOVE his family! (And isn't that 3/4ths the battle?) They are such good, kind, friendly people! I want them to be MY family! (Kinda like Laurie in "Little Women" huh? "I have always known I should be a member of the March family," and all that...)

He'll likely come back to visit his family over Thanksgiving/Christmas... I've told Nell she'd BETTER engineer a meeting of some sort... (and then disappear... ha! I do think she's kind of creeped out that I like her brother... because, you know-- he's her brother. She's like-- he's so weird. And annoying. Like I said. A normal brother.)

I know nothing will come of this crush... But at the moment, I don't really care. I'm on kind of a high... and as long as that high is not caused by anything illegal, I'm gonna keep on crushing...!

Wise Observations

My friend Kay recently sent me this note...


I looked at your blog last night for the first time in quite a while. I
didn't see any particularly new updates about science guy or muckraker,
which might be a good thing.

Last night, when I was reading the stuff you'd written about
him, I suddenly realized how similar he is to an ex of mine from almost five
years ago. English guy who I met right after arriving in Prague. Same snarky
personality, same affected air of mystery, same hot and cold attitude, even
the same propensity to use overly-intimate nicknames. We dated for about 8
months and it was very intense for most of that time, then he broke it off
in a REALLY weird, abrupt and unexplained manner. It bothered me for a long
time, just not understanding what had happened, until I started to see the
pattern.

Since then he sort of appears and disappears (via email mostly - we both
keep switching continents), usually in a harmless, seemingly-friendly way,
but once a year or so with sudden, urgent confessions of how much he misses
me and how he can't believe he let me get away, what terrible timing we (we?
I was there, where was he?) have, etc. There are also revelations about what
he was going through back then that, in retrospect, prevented him from
embracing his feelings, or whatever, etc. He just did this again a few weeks
ago after quite a long hiatus. It's really very disarming.

But there's something intrinsically... off... and conveniently ill-fated
about the whole thing, which is the same vibe I get from the muckraker
stories. Guys like this are more sinister than guys who are just players
because there actually is a connection, and there are brief moments that
seem (or genuinely are - haven't worked that out yet) intensely meaningful
to both parties. Then there's a whole lot of nothing in between after they
run away... Thinking about it, I have half a mind, next year when my ex
inevitably starts sending "maybe the responsible thing would be to contain
my feelings, but..." emails again, to announce my intention to get on a
plane and live happily ever after with him. I'm sure my next email would
bounce and he'd have moved flats out of fear. Sort of the way muckraker came
on so strong and then completely failed to act on it when you made it clear
you were interested too. I don't think they even do it by design - I think
they're just kind of broken. It probably isn't a coincidence that my ex was
significantly older than me, too, just like muckraker. A woman their own age
would probably see through the bullshit.

Anyway, this anecdote is just a long, rambling way of saying that I've just
noticed the parallels between these two situations and you really need to
ignore him until he thinks he's lost his effect on you. Otherwise, he'll
probably keep randomly calling you from Montana, so to speak, for a long
time.

Ok, that's my super-wise observation/advice...



Thanks, Kay! That IS super-wise advice!

And I have to say, my vacation seems to have provided much needed clarity and head-clearing! I can say, very truthfully, I am *SO* over muckraker. But that is another post...!

I kissed a girl, and I liked it

Yes, I did. (Not that shocking actually, and not the first time.) and I kissed a guy and I liked it better! And then I kissed another girl.

....spin the bottle!....

Am I a little too old for it? Yes... But when you've had a few too many, and you're with your grad school friends in a podunk town, there's not much else to do to pass the time, eh?

Sad part is? It was the most action I've gotten in 8 months. Sadder part? It was BETTER action than I've got 8 months ago.

TRAGIC.

The thing is that I could actually really go for some random making out. The guy I kissed does NOT do it for me AT ALL, but he was a really surprisingly good kisser. Looks can be deceiving, eh? I did kinda want to keep going at it though.

Sometimes I just want a bit of human connection.

Sometimes I wish I was more of a skank.
(Did I mention I was raised Baptist? Part of the reason I just don't sleep around is that I can't get rid of those last vestiges of guilt. I need to know someone FOREVER in order to feel comfortable.)

I do really just need to get it on with someone.... (Again, tragically, the one I want to get it on with is Muckraker. Though, as I think about it, I don't know that he'd be much good in bed. He is rather boney.) I do think about Science guy... I think science guy would probably be quite good...

... though, I do have a friend who just (FINALLY!) came out of the closet, who is convinced Science Guy is also in the closet.... Would be my pattern.

Something in the stars? Or just in the water?

As I mentioned, I'm getting all sorts of random calls this week.

Science guy is suddenly in touch again, as I mentioned. He wants to get together, which I felt rather ambivalent about. Again, I'm not sure what he's after since he's been all, "I want to be friends!" but is also, let's hang out at my place and rent dvds... (Which, hmmm... doesn't that usually lead to making out? Hmmm...)

I think I'll give him another shot though. His good qualities do outweigh his few douchey lapses, I think. He always does make me feel better about myself, he is very kind, and he is thoughtful (most of the time.) I don't think anything will go anywhere, but I wouldn't mind a little human contact these days, so-- well, why the hell not.

Muckraker on the other hand? I think he has gone of the deep end. Perhaps he always was off the deep end and I had too many stars in my eyes to notice (Um, and I can hear Npapaya saying, "DUH!")

After he called me several days ago (and might I add, he called me three times. On my work phone. After I made it clear I couldn't talk.) I called him back the next day. I figure y'all would be proud of me for not calling him back asap, but the truth is it wasn't calculated. I was tired and I forgot about it until it was too late to call. (I've been working crazy hours for the past 2 weeks and I'm exhausted!)

Unsurprisingly he wasn't calling to whisper sweet nothings, he was calling because he needed something. He is charming, and so I didn't notice it at first, but I do think he's quite a user. I mean, he was asking for advice and recommendations for housing in our area, and it's not a big deal-- not something I would fault a friend for asking-- but that's just it. He doesn't comport himself as a friend or anything else. He contacts when it's convenient, being excessively charming, raising expectations, and then disappearing. And I am SOOOOO over it. You would be proud how much I'm over it.

I was probably rather curt on the phone, but polite enough I think, and offered him my suggestions, and that was that. Or so I thought.

A couple days later I was working in the office I'd been relocated to for the 2 weeks we were doing this --well, conference, is probably the best word for it. I was in the "welcome" center where there was an office on one side and a lounge on the other. I was having lunch with Npapaya when suddenly I spot Muckraker coming out of my office.

Apparently he'd come looking for me. I introduced him to Npapaya (who kept rolling her eyes at him whenever his back was turned.) and we made a bit of small talk. Again, he had come looking for something-- he was looking to find out if someone was attending the conference.

I went to my office and checked the list, and I asked him more about this person. Turns out that he was looking for someone he'd never met before, someone a friend of a friend once knew. WEIRD. I told him he should probably just try and find her on facebook... (instead of stalking her at this conference... mmm hmmm... didn't say that part, but wouldn't anyone find that totally creepy???)

He asked if I would be in his class this summer (yes) and he said he was glad to hear it. And then he left.

Again, Npapaya rolled her eyes at him, and she asked me, "Do you think he was really looking for that woman? Or was he looking for an excuse to come and see you?"

The truth is, I don't know. If he was looking for that woman, that is rather creepy/weird. If he was looking for me, he has had ample opportunities to be in touch before this, and he has not indicated he's interested.

The worst part though? (And Npapaya can stop rolling her eyes!) is I do still find him very attractive. Like, I'm weak in the knees, attractive. (Yes, this is weird, because I'm probably the only one who does think this amongst my group of friends-- the rest of them are like-- "Hands down, Science guy is better looking." But it's less about actual looks I think, and whatever paticular alchemy makes one person attractive to another. There is no reasoning with that, I think.)


But! But! But! Our story does not end there!

This morning I was working on finishing up the last details for the conference--processing payroll, getting payments, and dealing with a bunch of incidents that involved security being called last night. There were about 10-15 people in the tiny space of this office all morning, and it was pretty bustling. That's why I didn't notice Muckraker come in until one of my co-workers (or, co-irkers in this particular case) says to me, "Who was that guy?"

That guy? That I spotted leaving the office? Was Muckraker. Apparently he'd come to my desk and been rifling through papers stacked on it. And then he left. All without saying a word.

I am LIVID. This is so beyond the realm of acceptable behaviour I don't even know where to start.

Perhaps he was innocently (but STUPIDLY) looking for info on this old friend of a friend he was trying to get in touch with. Or, given that in his trade he's a reporter, perhaps he was looking for actual confidential information.

I don't think any confidential info was in the stack on the desk he was apparently looking at, but over the course of this weekend I was working with the private information of both a senator and of a high-profile actress. I'm about 99% certain that while he may have seen lists with their names on it, the confidential info was in my database. But I am SO ANGRY that he put me into that position of potentially being compromised and risking my job.

I don't know what his deal is, but I am completely DONE with him. SO, SO, DONE.

I wrote him an email this evening that basically said, "What the FUCK were you doing this morning!?"

He has yet to respond, but given that it's him, I don't really expect him to. That is, until he needs something else....

UGH.

This does not help me at all!

Dear Gay BFF,

Thank you for letting me know we both know a straight single guy whofinds me attractive. That was a boost to my self-esteem.

However, unless you tell me HIS NAME, this is not going to help me any.

Laughing at me does not help me either.

Hugs & Kisses,
Me

How do I know you again?

I saw someone on okcupid who seemed cute, and we had a high match percentage. I thought about contacting him, and as I was looking at his profile I realized he seemed very familiar, but I couldn't quite place him.

Given the interconnected web of people in this town I thought it was best to hold off on communicating until I could figure out how I knew him. Boy, I'm glad I did!

I was talking to Npapaya about the poor guy I blew off (see previous entry!), and she said, "Oh, is that the guy I saw you with at the bookstore."

Yes, in fact that guy was... but that made me remember another guy I met at the bookstore (yes, it does happen to be my #1 first meeting location because it has the best coffee in town and because it provides an easy escape if things are not working out.) And I realized that the guy who seemed familiar on okcupid was someone I had met about a year ago for a coffee date at the bookstore.

I also remembered why things did not work out...

1) He showed up to the "date" looking like he'd just rolled out of bed. (It turned out he had, he confessed in the conversation.) He was wearing dirty & holey sweats, and teva sandals with socks. EWWW.

2) In spite of his terrible attire which indicated he had not had the time to change his clothes or even shower that morning he had found time to .... put on eyeliner.

3) As we spoke, it became increasingly clear to me that he was secretly gay and totally in love with his roommate. (You know that way that people have of name-dropping the name of the person they're obssessed with ever-so-casually? (Not that I have ever done this... nope. No siree...) Yeah, he was totally doing that, in addition to mentioning how He and his roommate would go away for long weekends to B&Bs, or go and take special trips to see Broadway shows together. I mean, not to go all stereotypical... but really? REALLY?)

So, what's the moral of this story? I don't know. Move to a bigger town maybe? Stop dating gay men? (That one would be a good start. It's really easy to have a fantasy relationship with my gay bffs. Recently one of my friends-- we'll call him Quebecois-- has found it very amusing to introduce me to everyone as his wife. He also proceeded to drag me into a jewelry shop and made me try on engagement rings while telling the salesperson how in love we were and all about our imaginary wedding plans. This is evidently how he enlivens his day. Awkward! I could have killed him.)