Slice of Life

That's all a blog is. It's a slice of life. It's also a pretty public journal in which I vent and kvetch about life.

It's a lot easier to write when you have something to kvetch about... and so this slice of life is pretty narrow. The joys and good things don't make an appearance as much as they should, probably.  For example, I recall telling you that Jedi was unhappy with his job and desperately looking for a new one SEVERAL times... and yet after he got a (wonderful!) new job I don't think I mentioned it until he'd already been at it for a few weeks. Oops! My bad.

That's not to say that I wasn't overjoyed when he got it. That's not to say that I'm not overjoyed with all the good things in my life... it's just easier to write about the bad/annoying things.

Yeah, I just complained about my future MIL. I may have given the impression that I dislike her. In fact, I probably gave the impression pretty forcefully. That's natural. I'm pretty mad right now. But I don't dislike her. In fact, I like her quite a bit. And so, in the interest of fairness, let me enumerate her many wonderful qualities.

1) She's a wonderful mother. She really is. Yes, in many circumstances I find her to be over protective and coddling of her kids (certainly different from my own growing-up experiences), but that's only because she cares so damn much. She's made a lot of tough decisions in her life made exclusively with her children's welfare in mind.  Whereas I have spent my entire life doubting whether or not my mother really loves me I know that Jedi has never had a shadow of a doubt. Her love is an all enveloping thing.

2) She's incredibly thoughtful. She invites people she barely knows over to her house. She makes their favorite foods. She accommodates special request, she always fusses over how people are doing, she tries to be as inclusive as possible. She hardly knew me at all last Christmas and yet she made me feel like I was intimately part of the family. She welcomed me with open arms.

3) She is genuinely concerned about things like racism and social justice. She acknowledges that she's not as knowledgeable about such things as as she'd like to be and she actively tries to learn more, since it's only since starting her job 3 years ago that she's been exposed to these issues. She's very concerned about her students and strives to make them feel welcome.

4) She's a wonderful daughter. By all accounts her mother is a terribly difficult person (though it's not something I've personally experienced, though I'm told I need only wait.). Her mother is racist, and mean and selfish and a bully.. (um, ringing a bell, anonymous commentator? I could tell you some stories about what it looks like when someone is actually those things), and yet Darth deals with her lovingly, with patience, and with care.

5) She's a wonderful friend. She's the type of person you can call on at 3am to pick you up when you're stranded in the middle of nowhere. She's the friend you call on when you need someone to help you host a party. She's the friend who takes in a homeless dog. She's the friend who doesn't give up hope or support for the friend who is in an abusive relationship. She's the friend who volunteers for everything. She's the friend who buys the perfect Christmas present because she heard you mention that you liked it 6 months ago. She's the friend whose home is always open and whose refrigerator is always full. She's always there when you need her and she never asks anything in return.

6) Superficially, she has excellent taste. Her house looks like a pottery barn catalog...  on 1/10th the budget. Which leads me to point 7...

7) She's frugal! 8) And industrious! She (and Vader, to be fair) take on daunting projects all the time. Painting, sanding, building lamps out of spare parts, hand-making gifts... her home is always impeccable (though she always claims it's a mess).

9) She's generous. Not just with things, which to my mind, are easy enough to be generous with. She's generous with her time and her skills. She didn't think twice about helping me and Jedi refinish and paint cabinets-- which took about 5x the amount of time and labor we had estimated. Never once did she complain or bargain and say, "If I do this, then you do XYZ."

10) She's the good kind of Christian. She lives by the golden rule. She is open minded. She lives simply and in kindness, always striving to do good. She never thinks of what she can acquire for herself, but what she can give to others.

... I could go on... Perhaps at some point I will... But 10 things I like about my future MIL. That's 2 more than the things I'm angry about.  And this is what goes on in the background. This is the little slice of life that you, dear readers and commentators, don't see enough of.

I may be, at times, alternately selfish, childish, a bully, judgmental, etc. At times I may have been all of those things. But that too is just a tiny slice.  I like to think those aren't my overwhelming characteristics since there are some people who seem to find my presence tolerable. (But what say you, readers I know in real life? Are you all masochists, which is the reason you hang out with me?)

This little slice of the internet is my own corner where I can work out my issues. Since there are often no commentators on any posts it's easy enough to imagine I'm writing for myself in my own journal. And so, I know the full background of any issues and situations, though you may not.

I enjoy the commentators though because you do often prompt me to look at things in a new way. 

Similarly, I realize that it probably seems as though I'm holding the "wedding" as some sort of ransom tool to get my way in things. (For Jedi's grades? Yeah, I"ll cop to that. I totally am-- Only because I do not feel that goofing off and playing video games instead of studying is a "grown up" thing to do... and I refuse to marry someone who is not a grown up.  He's stepped up to the plate, which is all I've asked of him. I don't think it's an unreasonable request-- much in the same way that someone else might make "hold down a job" an ultimatum to prove that a partner is responsible enough to take on marriage.)

My issues with getting married have as much to do with my own familial issues which I've only briefly touched on in this blog. Rest assured that there is 20+ years of traumatizing experiences that say "MARRIAGE IS BAD" to me.  So, for me to have gotten to the place where I have a DATE on which I'm going to get married is a big fucking deal.

And so, again, I want to point out that my waffling on marriage is NOT because I'm waffling about Jedi. It's because certain situations/events are things that I find triggering and cause a resurgence of doubts that tell me to run away as fast as I can. It's taken about 6+ years of therapy to get to the point where I can stand still and let someone love me the way that Jedi does.

And so, again, all you're seeing here is a very brief slice which surely make it seem like I not only have cold feet but that I have my feet permanently encased in ice. I get that. It's certainly easier to write about those times I have doubt than all the times Jedi has made me feel loved, and secure, and as though the only right thing in the universe would be for us to be together forever. (But then again that's pretty schmaltzy, and who wants to read about schmaltz?)

Then again, perhaps tomorrow I'll enumerate all the reasons I'm with Jedi and why I love him and truly want to be with him. And that too will only be one small slice.

Lady in Waiting

I have some stuff on the horizon that I'm crossing my fingers about... Worried to jinx it by talking too much... But keep your fingers crossed for me!

I'm also hoping a part-time job I want will come through. It would be great-- something I can add to my resume that will help me in my field and it's something that I can do on my own time from anyplace I have an internet connection... Ok, ok... should I tell you what it is? It's reading admissions materials. Doesn't that sound like fun!? I'm a super fast reader and the admissions office is so overwhelmed that they require one (if one gets the job) to read at least 25 hours a week... but you can read more than that as you are able... I would LOVE to do this. *sigh* like everything else at this university hr moves slower than molasses in January... I left a message with the admissions office on Friday so hopefully I'll hear back this week.

It would totally help since Jedi and I are totally having money issues. I mean, we're not having money issues to the extent that we don't have food and shelter... but by having cable and internet we're totally living beyond our means. (But who can live without cable and internet these days?! Right? I mean, that's like asking me to live without running water. / )

We're puttering along ok. I admit wedding stuff is freaking me out to a greater extent that I wanted it to-- and I've found myself wondering more than a few times if I'm worrying more about the day itself than the future marriage. I mean, I like to think that simply by asking myself that question it means I'm in the clear, but I've found myself freaking out about potential table settings and centerpieces and it makes me want to hyperventilate.

To every bride, at every wedding I ever went to-- I'm really sorry for ever snarking about anything. My bad. I know realize just how much thought went into it and I know you did your best.

(Except to that one bride who totally didn't invite that someone that she totally should have to the wedding-- that was a bitch move and you totally deserved the snarking.)

A conversation about dresses with my mother:

M: All of those dresses are ugly. Why didn't you try on other ones?

H: I DID. I just only put up the pictures of the ones I liked.

M: Well I don't like any of those. Why don't you try a monique l'huilier or vera wang or something?

H: So... do you have $10,000 you're going to give me for that type of dress?

M: Well you can just get a copy made.

H: Even that would be $2-3,000!

M: Well, I think you should keep trying different dresses.

H: In my price point and being a "plus size" bride-- this is about what you're going to get! You'll get variations on this, but these styles are what look good and what I can afford .THIS IS IT.

M: Well, have you thought about losing weight so you can fit into more dresses?

H: Gee, Mom! That's a BRILLIANT Idea! Lose weight to fit into more clothes!? Why haven't I thought of that before! If only you'd mentioned this to me 10 years ago! All this time I've been wearing ugly shapeless clothing... but to think! If Only I'd thought to lose weight I could have had more options! Now that you've brought this to my attention I'm totally going to get on that!

H: You don't have to be sarcastic.

Therapy, musings & escape

I should be feeling good. I really should. Jedi is in my life, I have my health, I have family that cares about me, I have more prospects than I've had in awhile...

And yet, I'm in a terrible funk. I'm anxious too and it's causing me lots of stomach ailments. I don't know why I'm so anxious, I just know that breathing enough air into my lungs to get through the day is a herculean effort.

I do see a therapist and she's helped quite a bit over the last three years. I don't think I'd be with Jedi without doing the work I've done with her. She's been on vacation for two weeks and I definitely feel myself fraying at the edges. I suppose I could call and talk to someone else in her office but that seems silly. I'm seeing her on Friday by which point many things may have resolved themselves.

I think part of my difficulty is that it feels like I'm now not only responsible for my life and well being, I'm responsible for Jedi's. I've been helping him apply to a new school and to new jobs-- both of which have been Sisyphean tasks thus far. In the meantime I'm trying to get my own life in order and he requires so much hand holding and direction that I feel like I'm a lifeguard swimming for two.

I knew going into it that this is what I was getting myself into though. Believe me, I know. His other--amazing-- qualities more than make up for this. I'm hoping that he can get into a program at a local college (whose term starts in early Sept) that would be a much better fit than what he has been doing (in my estimation-- but I know him very well.) The program would be a degree in radiology and it would be much more hands-on than what he is doing now. His program now requires a lot of essay writing-- which he despairs at. There may or may not be someone who is dropping out of the Radiology program between now and the start of the term and Jedi may or may not be able to take that spot. I'm really hoping the universe takes pity on him and makes this possible.

In the meantime I'm both hopeful and despairing about my own prospects (complicated, isn't it? Let's just say that I'm waiting to hear back about 3 different things-- Thing # 1 I really want, but am not likely to get. Thing #2 I might want under the right conditions, but it seems growingly unlikely those conditions will be there. Thing #3 I can likely have if I want it... but I totally don't.) I'm thinking in cases 2 & 3 it might be a case of going from the frying pan into the fire. *sigh*

A few weeks ago Jedi very seriously wanted us to pack everything up and leave that very day to go (back) to the midwest. I admit, I was tempted too. However, as we all know-- wherever you go, there you are. I know leaving won't really solve anything-- esp. leaving without having anything else planned-- but it is so tempting at times. And you're always reading those stupid eat, pray, love type memoirs about people who chucked it all and found bliss. Could that possibly be that the people who chucked it all and ended up homeless didn't end up with million dollar book deals? Hmmm...? I want to hear from those people.

In the meantime I'm just plugging away... trying to get up enough energy and courage to get out of bed each day to face the world.

Writer's Block

I want to write a book.

Doesn't everyone?

Not just ANY book... of course!

I want to write a NY Times bestseller!

...of course...

And earn the fame and acclimation (and money!) of J.K. Rowling and Stephenie Meyer!

...(well, maybe just J.K. Rowling. Have you read Twilight? shudder.)...

I have an idea (ok... about a million ideas, but one in particular at the moment...) in my head. It's a great idea! Trust me. If you were in my head you'd think it was a great idea too. (You would be amazed by my breathtaking brilliance, I can assure you.)

I even have most of an outline.

So why can't I seem to actually write the damn thing?

Not even the whole thing... maybe just a chapter?

Why can't I just write a chapter?

I think I need a writer's support group.

Or, well, at least someone to keep me accountable.

As we've learned from my thesis writing, (can you even believe I actually got that done? I can't!), if I don't have someone holding my feet to the fire I'll do something else, something much more important, instead. Like, watch the Real Housewives or something...

The Road Not Taken

I heard back from the University in Australia yesterday. I didn't get the scholarship... :-(

Boo...! Right? I mean, yes...

Well, I feel very ambivalent about it.

What this basically means is that I can't go to Australia... this year at least. This is because this particular program-- that was for 6 months in Norway-- wasn't covered by US financial aid because of a whole bunch of red-tape reasons.

So, I'm deferring. I don't know if I'm deferring and will actually GO next year, or if I'm just deferring to keep from having to make a decision.

As I'm deferring I'm also transferring my acceptance to a different program -- one that WOULD be eligible for more varied forms of financial aid. So, yes, I'll apply for that aid...

...but... well...

Maybe I'm getting too old for this. The thought of doing all that paperwork, all those visas, all those work permits, packing, moving, finding a renter for my place, figuring out what to do with my dog... (Not to mention Jedi)... well, it's exhausting me.

So, taking a year to figure things out doesn't sound so bad. I plan to read (all those books I've missed for the past 2 years! It's amazing how reading for school kills your desire to read for pleasure!), I plan to write! (This is what my peanut gallery wants me to do... write and earn millions! Ha!), I plan to garden... I plan to do yoga! ... I plan to go to the farmer's market... I plan to take a cooking class... I plan to beat Mario Galaxy 2 on the Wii...

And frankly? That doesn't sound so bad.

All I want now is a new job-- one that will give me the TIME I need to do all of those things! A job in which I can feel challenged and engaged, but not stressed out all the time.

Fingers crossed that with one path barred in front of me another will be shown to me!

First World Problems

I just finished my thesis defense.

Yippee, right? Nothing stands between me and graduation in 2 weeks... (Well, except for my boss who still might not give me the day off. I would quit, but there's that whole little thing about PAYING THE DAMN BILLS. Believe me though, I fantasize about saying, "Take this job and shove it..." precisely for these types of issues. After how much I've given to this job to threaten to not allow me the day off just makes my blood boil."

So, you'd think I'd be happy... right? And yet... no. In fact I haven't been depressed like this in months and months... (Well, not since March to be specific. When I first asked for commencement day off and the refusal spiraled into a whole litany of my failings as an employee...) I've not been hearing back from any of the places I've applied to and one job I particularly had my sights set on it sounds as though-- even though I'm eminently qualified for the entry level position (I just really want to work in that department-- I'm willing to take a pay cut in order to do it.)--- It's unlikely I'll get it... because of various political reasons that are out of my control.

Additionally, I've not heard back about the potential scholarship to Norway/Australia which they were supposed to be deciding on last week. I know I should just be in touch with them, but right now the university in Australia is kind of annoying me... Even though I was accepted in APRIL I still have not received any OFFICIAL letter of acceptance. This makes me doubt the quality of the program if they can't even get their act together to do that!

Anyway... so, right now I'm just feeling really trapped and stuck and I'm about to head into the busiest season at work. The busy season means that for about 3 weeks I won't be able to get away from work AT ALL. Saturdays, Sundays... Working from 8am-11pm every single day. It is GRUELING and just the thought of it makes me want to kill myself.

I think one thing that REALLY stresses me out about this ... really depresses me... is that I'm coming up on my 1 year anniversary of the time that I was unceremoniously plopped into my current position due to restructuring. (Oh, did I mention that 3 people in my office recently got promoted? One of them I trained in? And she got promoted ABOVE me? for the job I trained her for?) For this entire year I've been telling myself- "I'll be off to something better-- something I really LOVE to do!-- before I have to work this hellacious month!

And yet... Here I still am!! :-( The thought makes me cry. In fact, I have been crying. I've been unable to get out of bed for the past 2 days because I'm totally depressed.

Sigh... How do I get un-stuck?!

Food, Glorious Food!

Today's ControverSunday Offerings!




I have food issues. I blame my mother. I'm hoping that someday, when I have a kid, she not only won't blame me for her food issues, she actually won't have any! (Wishful thinking, I know!)

Growing up, my mother put a huge emphasis on looks. I was taller than average and just plain bigger than average. It didn't help that all of my friends were smaller, petite, and delicate little things so that by comparison I was gargantuan. Looking back at pictures of myself I see that I was not fat-- I was very average sized-- but my friends were all arms and legs and twiggy like. This led to a LOT of self-loathing, especially when one considers that my mother was constantly putting me on a diet to get down to my impossible-to-achieve "ideal" weight.

My mother wasn't the only one-- my entire family would do things like taking cookies away from me, or not allowing me to eat between meals (even though my siblings were allowed free reign of the kitchen.) My dad once offered me $1000 to lose 50lbs in 4 months. In spite of eating practically nothing for those four months and working out 2-3 hours a day I only lost about 10lbs and gained a whole heap of self-loathing in the process.

My senior year of high-school I (accidentally) became anorexic. How could such a thing happen? Well, it had to do with my weird class schedule and the fact that the cafeteria wasn't open during any of my free hours. I only went to school from 7am-10:30am that year and then I spent the rest of the school day at a "high potential" program in the city. This meant that I would often go the entire day without eating anything until dinner and even that might only be a couple cookies and an apple.

I dropped 40lbs in 2 months and it was AWESOME. I suddenly became popular! Kids who had never wanted me in their "cool" group suddenly invited me to everything. I got the lead in the school play! Guys were telling me I was hot!...

Once I'd realized this was happening I decided to keep up the anorexia stuff a little longer. ONly, I found that was a lot harder than I thought it would be when I didn't have an insane schedule physically keeping me from eating. And so I turned to bulimia instead-- something I probably wouldn't have done had I not gotten so much societal approval because I lost a few pounds. I mean, *I* knew I hadn't changed inwardly, but somehow society found me SO much more acceptable and worthwhile when I was in a lower weight range. Shocker, I know.

Well, I fluctuated in college by quite a few pounds-- ranging from 170 (my low weight-- because I'm tall-ish, I actually look really good at this weight) to about 210, but mostly staying in the lower range. But I stayed in the lower range using a variety of unhealthy methods that I'll skim over here.

Then, I got out of college and couldn't find a job for a long time, and became stuck in a series of dead end jobs that caused me so uch stress I actually ended up in the hospital. During this time my weight shot up to 250lbs, which made me even MORE depressed, and which only made my family harp on me more.

In my family food=emotions. I'm sure this isn't too different from most families. So, with the usual cycle of good food vs. bad food, fad diets, body loathing, family & cultural pressure, feelings of worthlessness, binging/purging/more binging... I've had more than my fair share of food/body issues. (For me, food issues ARE body issues.)

Fortunately, about 3 years ago I started seeing a therapist. I am certainly not "cured" of my food issues...I still have bouts of binging... but it's MUCH MUCH MUCH less frequent than before. At the moment I actually have a massive amount of candy and ice cream in my house (2 of my favorite binge foods.) I just cleared out some stuff and I ended up throwing away a TON of Halloween/Christmas/Valentine's day candy. I also threw out about 2 cartons of ice cream that had been in the freezer so long they'd gotten that layer of frost on them. In the past this would NEVER have happened... (due in no small part to the fact that in my mother's estimation throwing away food is a sin.)

My weight is still much higher than I'd like it to be (though Jedi tells me about 300 times a day how hot he thinks I am, I still have a great deal of trouble believing it.) My weight no longer fluctuates the way that it did though and for all that I'm not denying myself any foods I find that I'm not gaining weight because I stop when I'm satisfied. Sometimes I'm satisfied with only a spoonful of ice-cream. In the past I wouldn't have been "satisfied" if I hadn't eaten the entire container.

What's the change? I think I got to the point where I realized my mother's issues are HER issues and I don't need to take them on. I also realized that I need to stop waiting for myself to be at a lower weight in order for me to start living my life. But the biggest thing is that I STOPPED CARING about food. What I eat or DON'T eat is no longer the center of my life.

Oh! The HOURS, DAYS, YEARS....!!! I spent worrying about what I should eat! What a WASTE! If only I could have that time and energy back, just think about what I might accomplish! And so I decided that I wasn't going to let food have power over my life. I was going to eat what I enjoy (in moderation) and fuck the rest. If people have an issue with me at my currently high--but not life-impeding--weight ... well, that says more about them than me.

I don't have a child yet, but I have thought long and hard about how to approach the "food issue" when I do.

I used to nanny for a family-- the mother of which is a writer who has actually written on food issues (and has been quoted extensively in the mommy-blogosphere this week on this very topic actually) and while I thought she was a little nutty in some respects (which is why I won't link to her blog at this point, but email me if you like and I'll point you in her direction.) I thought her approach to food was very sensible and I decided I would emulate it if/when I have children.

The rule at her house is this-- There is no food that is "off limits," -- but she makes sure that the CHOICES that are in the house are of the mostly-healthy variety. Additionally, food is never to be used as a reward or punishment.

How does this work in practice? Well... let's say that dinner is Turkey, carrots, brussel sprouts, rolls, and cupcakes. The children are NOT required to eat all their brussel sprouts or turkey or whatever in order to get the cupcake. They can eat as much or as little of everything that is for dinner. (However, they don't get to say-- "I want mac & cheese instead!") If all they want for dinner is the cupcake? Well, then, that's what they have for dinner. (She does, however, try to make it so that if dessert is a cupcake one day, the next day dessert is fruit or a yogurt... to balance it out.)

I said to my mother that this is what I would (hypothetically) do with my child as well, (I said this to her as she was force feeding my nephew a peanut butter & jelly sandwich --- which he "had" to finish before he could have his oreos... as though the PB&J is somehow vastly nutritionally superior. Ugh. I believe this only turns off a child's naturally self-regulating appetite and teaches them to eat past their fullness as well as teaching them that some foods are more desirable than others and more 'rewarding.' Bad, bad, bad all around! Yes, I'm judging!)

She responded by saying that this would NEVER work and that a child raised like that would be eating only chocolate and cupcakes. You can't give kids the choice! She said. WRONG, I believe.

And I've seen it in practice! This family I nannied for? All the kids were very normal healthy weights. I saw the kids on multiple occasions ask for an unhealthy treat only to lose interest in it a few moments later. I SWEAR to you that more than one time I had one of the kids ask for a donut... that kid would take two bites... and then ask for some carrots in the next breath.

The trouble with this method is how to enforce it when you're at someone else's house. My mother has already said she would force my kids to clean their plates before dessert (to which I replied, "Too bad you won't see your grandkids then!") But they will be at other people's houses at times and those people will have other rules. I don't think that's a MAJOR issue, but I do worry that those houses with other values will feed my kids Mt.Dew and Cheetos for dinner and then the moms will sit at the dinner table drinking slim-fast. Not a good message.

The other trouble with this is how to stop the ingrained script in my head (that sounds a lot like my mother's voice!) Even though I KNOW I want to use the above method at one point when I was babysitting my nieces I did the dreaded, "Do as I say or you'll go to bed with no supper!" speech! Eegads! Talk about using food as reward/punishment! How to stop that auto-reflex when I'm mad is something I really need to work on!

So, in conclusion, while I have no child-raising experience, I sure as hell have a lot of food issue/body issue experience, and I don't want my future child to go through that pain. This method seems to be the best one I've found to avoid replicating the issues my mother saddled me with.

Of course, that just means that my hypothetical future kid will end up with a whole host of OTHER issues... but that's a different post for a different day!

In Sickness and in Health

I had surgery two weeks ago, and even though it was billed as an out-patient procedure with an easy recovery it was, hands down, the most painful experience of my life. The worst part was getting my tonsils removed (which, on message boards I've now looked at, is often declared to be worse than childbirth. I'll let you know in 5-10 years if that is in fact the case, but I believe it.) It was an elective procedure, and I now wonder if I was out of my cotton-pickin' mind to do it.

*sigh* oh well. I'm just now starting to feel somewhat human again and as though death WOULDN'T be preferable. This means I've started to read some work emails.... Ugh. Big mistake. I now feel again that death would be preferable... Ha ha... ok, I'm just kidding.

I feel ungrateful complaining about work since about 40 people got laid off yesterday. I could very well have been one of them. (Well, more layoffs coming in a few months too... I could be one of them then...) I had a knot in the pit of my stomach about it. I want to leave my job, but I want to leave on my own terms, yanno?

I don't think my boss(es) are particularly out to get ME or that they're evil, or anything... I just feel like they only see my mistakes and never any of my successes... which makes me nervous, which makes me more prone to making mistakes... rinse and repeat ad nauseum. They're less of the "carrot" variety of management, and more of the "whip" variety of management. That's hard to take after having had some GREAT bosses in the past. I think I'm also resentful of the slings and arrows of fortune that led me to being in this job that I didn't actively seek out. I'm also discouraged because I didn't think I'd be there that long, but although I've been looking elsewhere, nothing is panning out.

*sigh*... I know this isn't forever. I know this too will end... but right now it feels like an ETERNITY in purgatory.

But, I'm digressing from the primary topic of the blog which is dating... and that means talking about Jedi.

Jedi has been FANTASTIC in taking care of me. He's been at my side as much as possible, he's been running errands, he's been cleaning... he's been emptying my puke bucket. Yes, you read that correctly. Is there anything that says LOVE more than that? I don't think so... be still my heart.
Not only that, but he did it without being asked-- which is the same way he does everything. He sees it needs to be done, and he does it.

Even though I hadn't showered in 2 weeks, and I was stinky, and pukey, and disgusting, and crying because everything hurt so much, Jedi never stopped telling me that I'm the most beautiful woman he's ever met, and that he's lucky to be with me. (Fool!)

but... but... but... on the other hand...

Jedi sometimes drives me NUTS. He's a sensitive guy, I get that. I LOVE that about him. But there are times I just want him to be MANLY, yanno, and take-charge in situations. When I'm sick, that would be one of those times.

There was a point when I was in so much pain I was in tears and holding his hand... and he started crying too. I admit, that threw me. I didn't want EMPATHY! I wanted him to say, "You'll get through this, you're strong, you're tough. I'm right here, lean on me..." kind of stuff. Not, "I don't know what to do, I wish I could take the pain from you."

Ok, ok... that's a bit nit-picky and unfair, I recognize that.

In another instance, I was bleeding excessively at 5 am. I was bleeding from my nose and throat and choking on my blood, and really certain I was going to die, there was that much blood. I was screaming at Jedi to find the number to the Doctor's after hour line, or the Hospital number (all of which were on the discharge papers), and he kept bringing me random papers like the Codine prescription instructions... I finally was screaming, "Call 911,"...

The bleeding finally stopped. All's well that ends well... but... it's in instances like that where I'd wish he was more with-it, more "take charge."

However, I also recognize that would mean he's more "take-charge" in non-emergency situations, and that probably wouldn't suit my personality at all. I know I'm taking on the more stereotypically masculine role in this relationship-- being the one who is "in-charge" and emotionally aloof and indecisive, while Jedi is content to follow my lead and is completely open emotionally. It works for us though....

All in all, I know I'm pretty lucky where he's concerned. After these past few weeks, I certainly know he's a keeper. Anyone who can deal with me at my worst, deserves me at my best (to paraphrase Marilyn Monroe.)

Folie a Deux

It was a rough business trip. I was COMPLETELY on the other side of the country, and the night before the morning I was supposed to catch a plane at 6am I came down with... the stomach flu.

Ewww. Gross, right? Not much worse than having the stomach flu (and... um... other manner of gastrointestinal distress... we'll leave it at that...) while travelling.

I ended up staying over an extra day... still not feeling so hot, but about 80% ok... and I caught the red-eye back the next day. Did I mention I live in the middle of NOWHERE? After this delightful 6 hour flight (+3 for waiting at the hospital) I would then need to catch a 3 hour bus ride home... (and wait 2 hours at the airport for the next bus to arrive.)
Ugh. Not exactly a dream trip, huh?

Well, Jedi was the exemplary boyfriend that he is and he volunteered to pick me up from the airport... even though this meant getting up at 4am and driving 6 hours round trip to come and get me. What a guy, huh?

You know, for some reason (probably deep-seated childhood issues) the airport "test" is a biggie for me. I've dated guys who would have said, "Suck it up. Get the bus." On some level, I wouldn't even be able to blame them... (SIX HOURS ROUND TRIP. Sheesh. *I* wouldn't volunteer to pick MYSELF up.) But with Jedi, there was no hesitation. He just said, "I'm coming to get you."

Be still my heart.

I missed him while I was gone. I missed him a lot.

Some of this was due in part to the fact that I was sick, I know. I wanted someone to take care of me and I knew he would do it willingly.

And so... perhaps I demonstrated my ardor and affection a bit too enthusiastically when I got home. I got a bit carried away... Saying things like, "I can't imagine being without you..." "Can you just hold me forever..." (Yes, I'm gagging just typing that. Please excuse me, I had a fever. That's my excuse.)

And so, I went along a little further than I otherwise would have in his, "I really want to marry you," fantasy.

"Sure," I said, "I want to marry you too."

And I do... in the theoretical sense. In the, I'm so infatuated at the moment I want to spend every second with you sense.

I KNOW that this is complete NONsense. Well, and that it certainly doesn't help to feed his clingy nature, and given his history of rushing into relationships it doesn't help to add fuel to those white-picket fantasies.

But I recognize my part, I do. I meant it when I said those things... I just didn't mean, "I want to marry you tomorrow."

But I should have known better. Because he took it to mean, "I want to marry you tomorrow." And he started saying things like, "Show me pictures of a ring you would like," and "When should we tell our parents?"

Did I regain my senses? Did I say, "SLOW DOWN, YOUNG JEDI!!" No, I did not... I did the worst thing possible.

I showed him a picture of a ring.

{eeek ducking eeek} (Ok, I can totally hear Npapaya and Ramses screaming at the computer screen now, and I TOTALLY deserve it.)

On the other hand, when he started talking about wedding dates and making up invite lists {ducking again} I did tell him that I would only marry him once he graduated... Which should be in about 3 years.

So. That is my totally lame defense.

I admit, I got caught up in the fantasy myself. The truth is, I never really pictured myself as the "marrying kind." I always pictured myself as spinsterish forever, and while on one level I was ok with that, on another level I was pretty wistful at the idea that I'd never meet anyone who would love me enough to want to be with me forever... that I'd never go through those rites of passage other girls go through of getting rings, and picking out dresses... etc. Even as I completely DISDAIN all of those things, a small part of me wondered what it would be like to be one of those girls that things like that happen to.

And so I let it go too far... Mea Culpa.

We're going to have to have a conversation.

See, the thing is that for me, I don't really see engagements as binding. I see them as a higher commitment, sure, but still a "I'm testing out the merchandise phase" and a "I'm perfectly happy to be engaged for 3-6 years" phase. But Jedi? Nuh-uh. He sees it as a "Let's go to the courthouse tomorrow phase." (Um. And he totally said that this morning. He said, "Let's go to the courthouse tomorrow." You will be happy to know I had regained my senses in time to tell him NO. And that we still have a lot of issues to work through before we get to that stage.)

He texted me to see if I wanted to go ring shopping this week. I told him that since he's so poor, I can't in good conscience let him do that and that he should put away $25/month to save if he really wants to, and then we can revisit the idea when he has enough.

That should buy me about 2-3 years, I think...

(Oh... and adding even more to the Super Bad Girlfriending in this post? I gave him my stomach flu. Poor Jedi... :-(

Total Acceptance

One of the things I love the most about Jedi is his complete and total acceptance of me. It would be too far to say it's "unconditional" love, but so far I've not found any conditions on it.
(The only thing he seems to have trouble accepting is being apart from me which is, admittedly, effing annoying, but so far has not crept into stalker-controlling territory.)

There's nothing I can't say to him, he's totally fine with what I look like (even especially naked... which is something I never thought would happen), he doesn't ENJOY my bad moods or my depressive ones, but he's still there telling me I'm wonderful, and oh-btw-is there anything he can do for me... He overlooks my messes, he watches my trashy tv shows, he calms my fit of pique when I'm unable to string christmas lights...

All in all, I don't think I've ever met anyone who is as calm and mellow as he is. He is also, evidently, devoid of any personality disorders (even the small neurotic ones... and everyone has some of those! At least, everyone ELSE I know does...)

You'd think it would be easy accepting that kind of open love, admiration and affection... but it's not. It's really, really not. (because of my OWN neurotic tics... ha!) But the comfort he brings me has allowed me to be more open than I ever thought I could be with someone, and more myself than I ever thought I could be-- and it's still ok.

He likes me. He likes me just the way I am.

Depression

I haven't been REALLY depressed since I met Jedi. That means... since September basically.

That's probably some kind of record for me.

Yes, I've had moments of being sad, and angry, and so on...

But, "I can't get out of my bed in the morning, and life has no meaning, and I want to chuck it all, and the bottom of the ravine is looking mighty good right about now..." type of depression? Not really.

And it's something that I would get regularly about once a month or every couple of months.

I've been working on it with a therapist and it's helped...

And while I haven't had this type of depression while I've been with Jedi, I'm under no illusions that Jedi is the CAUSE of keeping my depression at bay-- Rather, he'd be a SYMPTOM of it.

But, it's coming back. I can feel it-- the general lethargy, the anxiety, a sense of malaise, a lack of meaning to my life and anything I do...

And during this time I just really, really, really want to be alone. Even if being with others would probably be healthier. All I want is to sleep and escape in books and maybe (just maybe) come out next summer.)

Space

I live in a 600 sq ft apartment. No, I do not live in Manhattan. In fact, I live in the middle of the woods which are located smack dab in the middle of nowhere.

I grew up sharing a similarly sized apartment with my mother and my sister for 15 years, sharing a bedroom with my sister. To get privacy, I would go sleep inside the closet, just so that I could have space with a door that closed.

After college, I swore I would never live with anyone again.

I've always taken Katharine Hepburn's quote to heart:

“Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then.”

It is, therefore, a feat of no small accomplishment, that Jedi has been staying with me since November and I'm only just NOW getting sick of him. It's a testament both to his likability and how much I've grown.

However, I know that some of my frustrations from last weekend have to do with not having enough distance from him. And yesterday, when he was gone all evening, it was blissful.

It's not that he DOES anything annoying when he's home with me, but then again, this is not really about him. I just need space to be alone with my thoughts and to not have to worry about anyone's feelings.... and well. Like I said-- it's not about DOING anything in particular, because he would be supportive and wouldn't keep me from doing anything I wanted to do. But, I worry about losing the independent part of myself.

Additionally, his need to be WITH me all the time is still overwhelming. Like a puppy, he'll follow me from room to room, or just stand in the doorway and watch me when I'm putting on makeup or reading or whatever. Not in a creepy way, but he just stands there with a goofy grin on his face, and I'm all, "Stop looking at me! I'm not that interesting!" The level of devotion and admiration, while flattering, gets to be oppressive. He really doesn't get that.

I took the advice of the interwebs and brought this up last night.

Like I said, he doesn't get it. I pointed out that surely he must get sick of me too at times-- His answer, "No. No, I never get sick of being with you." I told him I did not think this was normal. He insisted it was.

I knew he would take my need to be alone as a rejection, in spite of all my reassurances that it was about me and not him, and that NO, I wasn't trying to break up with him. It was dark, and he was trying to hide it, but I could tell he was crying.

I know if the positions were reversed I would surely feel rejected and hurt, so I don't blame him for that... but it does annoy me that we go through this EVERY SINGLE TIME I tell him I need some space. I haven't told him that since November so maybe he forgot (ha ha...). I don't think he gives me enough credit for the progress I've made.

I told him, "Hell, I just need some space to MISS you!" Sheesh. Haven't you heard of familiarity breeding contempt?

I know him well enough to know he's going to try to push the envelope and not REALLY give me space. I told him on Wednesday I want to be alone. "How many days?" he asked me. "I don't know." I answered.

His birthday is on Friday, so yes, I'll let him spend the night, but it will piss me off if he doesn't respect my need for space in the next few days.

I also have a trip for business coming up next week and I'll be gone 5 days. Hopefully that will help too.

Bad Mood

Jedi is in a bad mood and has been for a few days.

Now, when I say, "Bad Mood," Don't imagine other people's bad moods... (e.g. - Mine...) Which involve a lot of yelling and stomping around and banging doors. No, Jedi is such a mellow, nice guy that even in a bad mood it's pretty mild.

However...!

I've come to realize how dependent I've come to be on him being in a GOOD mood. When he's in a good mood he's affectionate and attentive and (ok-- this is going to make me sound like a selfish bitch, but he's also DOING stuff for me... Making me dinner, giving backrubs, doing dishes.... Yeah. He's pretty damn awesome...)

When he's in a bad mood he puts on his headphones and kind of checks out. (And stops paying attention to MMMMEEEEEEEE!!!!!)

It's actually kind of funny given how when I first started going out with Jedi his constant attentiveness was really irritating. All I wanted was free time and for him to stop being THERE all the time. GACK! What happened to me? I don't want to turn around and be the clingy one and be like, "Pay attention to me! Pay attention to me!" but that's how I feel.

BTW- Jedi is in a super bad mood because of his job (which is a bad sucky job (with good benefits.) and I'm in a super bad mood because of MY job which is, objectively, not a terrible job, but my boss is placing unreasonable expectations on me which is making it a terrible job. But damn- the benefits are good...)

So, there you have it... perhaps the only person who is NOT in a bad mood in my house at the moment is JoJo, my dog. (Actually, she's probably in a bad mood because Jedi displaced her in my bed. She is not very fond of him...)

Tonight Jedi & I are going to a party with some school friends. I'm hoping it goes well and let's us insert a little levity in our lives.

Familiarity Breeds Contempt?

Ok, ok I admit it. I was probably just in a grumpy mood in general last night... (I had a lovely conversation with my mother in which she informed me that if Jedi was saying he liked me and thought I was beautiful then he was obviously lying and wanted something from me. *sigh* Yes, I realize these are her OWN issues and that she's projecting, but it's hard to disassociate sometimes.)

So, I was in a grumpy mood about that.... and... also... my own idiocy.

You see, I said the "L" word. And it wasn't "Like." And it just kind of slipped out. (No lectures, please!)

I mean, on the one hand I do love him.... in that way that I love all my really good friends. I even lust after him. I don't think I ***LOVE*** him in the romantic sense (of happily-ever after & fairies & magic) way that I think HE means it when he says the "L" word.

Sooooo.... Ahem. I guess it would be kind of awkward to take it back, huh? Ahem. This morning when he said, "I love you," and I responded with "Thanks," I think he was kinda dismayed.

Yeah. So. Um. Not quite sure what to do about that.

I really needed to be alone last night but he came over because he'd forgotten something at my house. And as seems to happen, when he stops over I let him STAY over because I'm totally a sucker. (And oh, did I mention I lust after him?)

But I was grumpy. He wanted to have a deep and meaningful talk... (um, while we were getting busy...) and I nearly kicked him out he was being so annoying.

I think I just need alone time for the next few days.

Road Block

Mr.2young is one of the nicest people you could ever meet. From what I can tell, from what (admittedly little) I know about him he's trustworthy, caring, considerate, kind, and thoughtful. (Ok, yes, there are some redundancies in that statement.) He's a nice guy without being a faux, creeptastic, "Nice Guy" (as we've discussed before.) And his age doesn't really bother me anymore.

No, what bothers me the most is what his really poor spelling is a symptom of... It's a lack of knowledge, perhaps a lack of awareness. He tells me he has a learning disability for which he's getting help from the academic skills center of his college, and I don't hold that against him. Hell, I couldn't read until I was in the 4th grade--I had to be put in a special ed program.

However, since the 4th grade I admit that I haven't struggled much academically. I don't study--not really. I never have. I'm just good at retaining information the first time I hear it (mostly because I'm genuinely fascinated by the world and how it works.) I write my papers the day they're due... and I get high marks. I sometimes feel guilty about this. I know I'm not particularly smart or talented... I just, I don't know, remember things. And I'm fast at comprehending new information and integrating it with what I've already learned to come to a conclusion or a course of action.

And Mr.2young? He struggles... A LOT. He was having difficulty with his homework yesterday; It was a topic I haven't studied since the 8th grade, but I knew more off the top of my head than he did after having read books for a week. I spent my evening explaining the topic to him... inwardly I was cringing. Is this the person I want to be with? Do we really have anything in common? I am someone with little patience. I wanted to shout at him, "HOW CAN YOU NOT KNOW THIS STUFF!?" and "How is it possible that you've not retained information you read 30 minutes ago!?"

I didn't yell. Don't worry. I didn't.

How much is the learning disability and how much is *HIM*? I also don't know.

I tried to be patient and understanding and compassionate. Mostly because I could see how devastated he was. He was close to tears at numerous points as he struggled to understand different concepts. Perhaps this wouldn't be so worrisome except for the fact that he wants to be a teacher-- he wants to teach these same concepts to students... and at the moment? I wouldn't want him teaching my (hypothetical) kids anything. I cringe.

I do feel compassion for him. I can't say I understand his frustration. I don't know what it's like to not comprehend something at that level... perhaps mostly because if I don't understand something the first time I learn about it I seek other sources for clarification until I finally DO understand. Perhaps that's what he's lacking, but I don't know how you provide someone with the impetus to seek out knowledge when you don't have a roadmap. [Also, I resisted the urge to tell him, "Wikipedia is not an appropriate lesson planning guide..."]

He hated to let me see him like that, I know. He was hurt, and embarrassed, and ashamed (the word he used.) It bothers him that I'm nearly done with my second masters (no great feat, quite frankly), and he doesn't have a single degree. I was at a loss as to how to comfort him. I did tell him that people have many different kinds of gifts, and if academics wasn't his strength he made up for it in other ways. That, and the fact that I've known many a Ph.D who can barely tie her shoelaces, let alone function as an adult human being, prove credentials are not much of an indicator of intelligence.

I worry though. I feel like this will be the main reason this doesn't work out. How much am I willing to compromise? How much do I forgo intellectual stimulation for kindheartedness? (He's not DUMB, mind you. He's just not knowledgeable. Given that he doesn't seem to retain information though, I don't know that this is something "fixable." Not that one should ever try to "fix" someone else either, because that's just a futile task.) My relationship with him is probably the healthiest relationship I've ever been in. I feel comfortable, and easy, and free to be myself, and to know I'm completely accepted for who I am.

I want to be able to offer him the same gift in return... but I don't know if I can accept this about him.

(I know many people will probably think me a terrible person for admitting that, but I do think that intellectual compatibility is a cornerstone for a good relationship. Though, as evidenced with other people (ahem. Muckraker.) I also acknowledge that intelligence is not a substitute for the other qualities that Mr.2young has in spades.)

So... My other question is... how long to I give myself to figure this out? He likes me. A LOT. I worry that the longer I let this go on the more I'll hurt him. And yet I'm inclined to let it go on for my own selfish reasons-- because he makes me feel really, really great about myself. This also probably makes me a terrible person.

The Deep End

I'm not really fond of people in general (or in particular...hmmm...). I really require a lot of alone time for contemplation and to recharge my energy.

And yet... I've seen Mr.2Young EVERY SINGLE DAY (and night) for the past week. This is certainly a record for me, but what's even more remarkable is that I'm not sick of him. Yet. (I like to look at glasses half empty.... the benefit of being a pessimist is that you're always either proven right or you're pleasantly surprised.)

I still have issues (most notably with his spelling! Like when he texted me to tell me he was going to do "loan work and rack leaves"... (get it? Um. Took me a while to figure out he meant LAWN work and RAKE leaves. It's not the *spelling* really, it's the seeming lack of awareness that the two words are not one and the same. I've known some bad spellers (and I'm a spell-check addict) but your/you're, their/there/they're type of mistakes drive me BANANAS) *sigh*) His age doesn't bother me as much anymore... (which means I should probably come up with a new moniker, hmmm? Suggestions?)

He is very sweet. He brought me flowers for no reason last week (they're still blooming), and he went out of his way to figure out which flowers I like. (Hint: NOT roses. Getting a bouquet of roses requires about as much effort and foresight as brushing one's teeth, in my humble opinion. Yes, I would accept them graciously, but inside I would be thinking, "you don't know me at all, do you?)

Part of the reason I keep letting him stay over (ok, ok, INVITING him to stay over...) is because I feel it's going to end... someday. Everything ends, right? And with my track record, sooner rather than later. And so, I figure, soon enough I'll be back to having my big bed to myself-- so I may as well make some nice memories to keep me company throughout the long, long, long New England winter. There will be more than enough time to be alone in the future, so I may as well make the most of being with him now.

Npapaya thinks I'm a crazy person (true, true,) for thinking this way. She pointed out to be last night, "Nothing you've said points to this ending... Not saying it won't, but right now there's nothing to indicate a red flag or troubled waters ahead... so why are you actively seeking to end it?" (That was the gist of what she said anyway...)

Mr.2Young and I were talking last night and he asked me a question that I didn't know the answer to. He said, "What scares you the most? That this will end? or that it won't?" Something to discuss with my therapist, to be sure.

I went away for the weekend (yes, I went away, but still only ended up spending one night away from him...) and I was like a 16 year old-- texting him constantly. (I am super LAME-O, I admit it!) So, yes, I'm getting attached to him, which is scary for me.

He cracked me up last night though. I asked him (randomly, out of nowhere,) "So, would you kill a mastodon for me if I asked you to?" His response? "You seem like the kind of girl who could kill her own mastodon."

That still cracks me up. In that moment I felt like he really, really, GOT me.

But I'm still a little worried about wading into the deep end of the relationship pool....


(I should add that I have given him permission to refer to me as his "girlfriend," mostly because everyone is already doing so. *sigh*)

Dr. Feelbad

Mr.2young and I went to see Hamlet last night. Npapaya couldn't go (a group of us have season tickets) and so gave him her ticket. We met a bunch of my other (work) friends for dinner ahead of time... they're kind of a rambunctious crowd, but good-spirited. When Mr.2young stepped away at one point one of my friends said, "Two thumbs up for this one!" and at the end of the night another friend embarrassed him (and me!) by saying, "Gee, Mr.2young... I hope we'll be seeing a lot more of you! How about it, Hypatia? Will we be seeing him again?"

He's spent the past few nights at my place. He's actually now leaving his toothbrush at my place and keeping an overnight bag in his car. (Yes, this effing freaks me out.) He also referred to an event we're going to and said, "All the girlfriends are getting together afterward...." and including me in the "girlfriend" category. I kind of lost it, actually... I think I rather hurt his feelings, but that wasn't my intention. But at the same time I feel like I needed to be honest.

I went to the doctor's today to get the pill. I think anyone reading this blog would know that I'm not one to rush into things... Mr.2young is the only "whatever the hell this is" I've ever rushed into. I think I've mentioned in the past that I was raised Baptist-- "hellfire and brimstone and disease and death are the only things that can come out of premarital relations"--school of thought.

It has taken me A LOT to get over that... to the point that this casual "whatever the hell this is" is both an anomaly and probably pretty good for me personal-growth wise. And my therapist... who has been following me for 3 years... completely agrees.

Which is why I'm SO EFFING ANNOYED at the doctor I saw today. It was a new one in the same practice (because the other one didn't have any openings until November for non-emergency stuff.) And you would have thought this (young-ish) doctor was a doctor out of 'Mad Men'! She said to me "I really don't recommend you being intimate with someone you've known so little... Sex should be reserved for a long-term committed relationship... Is he putting undue pressure on you? what are these bruises? are you in an abusive relationship...?" Seriously, I got a 1 hour lecture, and she was like, "I'm only prescribing you birth control because you're going to do it anyway, but I really don't think it's in your best interest..." She kept giving me dire warnings about AIDS and Chlamydia and Syphilis ... It just brought me back to the whole abstinence-only education (Which we know works SO Well!

I tried to stay polite... (Because I needed a damned prescription!)... but I wanted to say to her-- "Lady, I'm 28 and I'm overly educated and overly cautious. I know what I'm getting into... but even if I was sleeping with a knuckle-dragging mouth breather, it still wouldn't be any of your damned business!!!)

I was angry... but that doesn't mean her words didn't get to me. Because they're the same words that were drilled into my brain from the time I was 3 to the time I was 21. That's a lot of indoctrination to drown out. It took a lot of self-growth to get to the point where I feel comfortable with my decisions about my body, and I feel like I'm back in a pit of self-doubt at the moment... Like that I'm somehow going to become a bad Lifetime morality tale and I'm going to wind up pregnant with the clap living with an abusive boyfriend because I dared to have sex outside of the church's permission. Ugh.

(The other thing the doctor was shoveling was a lot of gender stereotyping about how "Men will say anything to have sex... Men can have sex without emotions but women can't..." I tried pointing out to her that I was the one who had initiated things with Mr.2young, and her response was, "Well, sometimes it can feel that way, but men are crafty manipulators and will say they don't want to do something when they're really trying to get you to do it." Talk about a mind-fuck.)

Even though I know it's totally irrational it has only intensified my feelings of ambivalence about the whole "whatever the hell this is" situation with Mr.2young. We're supposed to get together on Friday, but I'm really not feeling it at the moment...

Don't Fuck This One Up!

"Don't fuck this one up."

Those are the wise words of my straight-shooting therapist. I would be offended at the implication that I have fucked up other 'ones' if I didn't know it to be true. My flight instinct is still in high gear though I'm trying to fight it. I admit though that as much as I like Mr.2young I'm still looking for the character flaw that will allow me to kick him to the curb. (Harsh, I know...)

And, intuitive guy that he is, Mr.2young confessed that his fear is that he's going to do something that is going to give me a reason to do that.

*sigh*

Do I feel bad about this? Somewhat. Is this totally unfair to him? Absolutely. Which is why I'm not letting myself end it though my instinct is to do so.

I enjoy the time I spend with him. When I'm with him I don't have any doubts or fears because I'm just in the moment. But when he's gone all those insecurities come flooding back.

I feel like a drowning swimmer who, when the lifeguard comes to save him, fights and thrashes instead of letting himself be saved, thus drowning the lifeguard as well. I don't want to do that.

I went against my instincts and invited Mr.2young to a jazz club on Friday with about 10 of my friends. I was nervous. He was nervous. (Again, he worried that if they didn't like him it would be an excuse to get rid of him. Like I said, smart guy.)

I like to keep my different worlds from touching. Sometimes they interact-- such as when Nell (A Grad Student friend) and Npapaya (A Work Friend) came over the other night. Rarely do the twain meet though, and I like it that way. This group on Friday was my 'Grad Student friend' group, which is probably worse than having him meet my work friends. I would say that my work friends are a little kinder, more understanding. The grad students are great, but totally bitchy. (In a super fun way!)

The grad student friends knew both Muckraker (because he was a grad student), and Science Guy (Because I invited him for dinner with them once.) They obviously liked muckraker (even if they did find him super shady), but none of them liked Science guy for some inexplicable reason. The only thing they would really say is "He's not good enough for you." Which... frankly... was totally not true. I don't know by what definition they were using "not good enough." He was nice (if a bit immature), smart, well-educated (post-doc), well-established, generous, and into me. But... whatever.

So, yes, I was nervous as to what their opinion would be... imagine my surprise when only half-way through the evening my friends started giving me surreptitious thumbs-up. I got numerous people saying, "We really like this one!" "So much better than the last guy!" So... yippee...? :-p

He spent the night on Friday and I had to work on Saturday. He was supposed to spend the night on Saturday and Sunday, but I cancelled on him. No, not because I wasn't feeling it, but because I'd been around people WAY too much this weekend. I'm an introvert at heart, and I need a lot of space and quiet time to recuperate after being around people.

I do know that this might seem crazy... like, why would I prefer an evening alone (with Don and Betty Draper!) to fun times with a real, live, cute guy... ? Right? But it's really about my own sanity and needing space. I have forewarned Mr.2young numerous times about this-- that it's not personal, but that I need lots of alone time. He seems to get it (or, at least if he doesn't he feigns understanding quite well.)

I might see him tonight. I'll probably see him on Wednesday if we go to a play together.

(PS-- Another example of my craziness? I told him he needs to stop telling me I'm beautiful and gorgeous. It just makes me too uncomfortable. Probably because *I* don't believe it, and so therefore it feels like he's lying to me. Yes, yes... I need professional help. Don't worry. I'm getting it.)

Let's call the whole thing off

I think we have already established that I am a crazy person. And that, as Npapaya points out repeatedly, I don't actually want to be dating.

Mr.2Young has spent the night at my place for the last three nights... (yanno... because we can't spend the night at his place seeing as he LIVES WITH HIS PARENTS. Oy Vey.) It's been good. I've had lots-o-fun. He makes me feel really good about myself. Things I perceive as flaws about my body, he not only doesn't seem to mind them, he seems to enjoy them. (Weirdo.)

And he's kind, and attentive, and ... and... and... he has repeatedly said he wants more than a casual fling. In fact he's all, "Come to my house for dinner and meet the parents," "Come to this banquet as my date..."

Normally I would be all for this. In fact, I'd be super excited. And yet... and yet... I'm not. Because I don't see this going anywhere given where we are in life.

This is super odd for me (as my friends know, I'm a little nutso. After one date with a guy I'm usually envisioning picket fences and 10 year anniversaries. I am, however, smart enough not to actually MENTION these thoughts to anyone I'm seeing.)

And yet, when he asked me to do these things-- when he asked what we were to each other... Was he the "B" word? I think I actually, literally, recoiled in horror. (For the record, we settled on, "someone I'm seeing.")

No labels, no labels, I said. Let's just take this one day at a time... (because thinking further than that FREAKS ME OUT.)

He's very kind and patient... but my instinct at the moment is to just call the whole thing off.

I'm fighting that instinct, but it's stressing me out to fight it. I know this is totally about my own issues and not actually about HIM, so I'm trying not to do anything hasty. Right now though I'm kinda feeling like if I don't see him again for a month or so that would be just about perfect.

(Side note: I also learned a little bit about some of the other women he's dated. I don't think I have to worry about his mother disapproving of me anymore... At this point she probably thinks I'm heaven sent, compared to some of the others... one of whom was a 35 year old he dated when he was 19. Yes, I am weirded out by this...)