Feeling groovy

The past few years were kind of rough. (Job uncertainty, crummy job, crappy love life...) Most of these things were not just for me, I know, but for the entire country. Hopefully we're on our way to better times?

The reason I bring it up is because I'm actually feeling pretty happy and content these days, which is a novel feeling.  I couldn't ask for anyone better than Jedi-- and amazingly, he seems to feel the same way.  I have a job that I like with coworkers I like. I feel like my job makes a difference, and I feel like I'm not only pretty good at it, but that my contributions are appreciated.  I'm feeling hopeful for the future.

Thinking about applying to school has been stressing me out. Thinking about not getting into any programs I want to get into has been stressing me out. Thinking about how to PAY for school has been stressing me out more. I've decided to stop letting it. Yup. Just like that.  Don't get me wrong, I still plan on applying, but I've decided to stop letting it be a barrier.

Hell, I'm not a senior in high school wondering if my life will go kaput if I don't get into schools A, B or C.  My life will be perfectly fine if I don't get into any schools. That's kind of a liberating thought.

I had a conversation with a great colleague the other day and I was expressing my anxiety around having a new boss.  My greatest anxiety was around the fact that I've successfully pulled of lots of big programming this year, which my current boss has seen and appreciated.  That means that I've kind of got "credit" in the bank with her-- e.g. if my next project goes kaput she won't say, "Well, see now-- I knew Hypatia was an incompetent idiot. This just proves it."  Instead she'll say, "Hmm, this isn't typical of Hypatia, this must have been an anomaly."

THAT I think is the most stressful part of having a new boss. (and I've had about 13-16 in the past few years depending on how you calculate it.) Always having to prove yourself again, and again, and again, and always being on your guard.  Phew.  No wonder I want to work for myself! Hopefully one of these degrees I'm applying to will let me do that. Fingers crossed.

What my colleague said to me when I expressed this anxiety was kidn of liberating and eye-opening in a Duh-Moment (no Aha- Moments for me!) kind of way.  She said, "Even if your new boss thinks you're an idiot, that doesn't mean that you are."

Oh. Really? Oh. Are you sure? Really? Oh.

Huh.

Wow.

That's pretty profound.

Even if it is kind of glaringly obvious.

PTSD

I've started to think that part of the reason I have all this free-floating anxiety, and these panic attacks (under control now through therapy), this tension and stress, my be a mild form of ptsd.

Now, my intention is really not to make light of ptsd, please don't take it that way, because I certainly haven't experienced war or daily beatings or a mugging or something that one would traditionally think about as causing ptsd.

I was at a training today about how to provide support to survivors of sexual assault and rape and one of the interesting things I took away from that session was when they presented research (forgive me for not having citations!) that said that women are 2x more likely than men to report symptoms of ptsd and that this is due to the microagressions that women are subjected to on a near daily basis.

In thinking on it, since joining the working world after graduating in 2004, between then and Oct 2010 I only had one job (for a period of one year) that didn't make me contemplate quitting it every single day.  While in some cases the direct supervisor was good/ok, I've had 16 supervisors since 2004 and only 4 jobs during that time. You do that math... It's enough to give me whiplash.

Out of those 16 I had FOUR good supervisors, supportive supervisors, encouraging, caring, thoughtful, fair... I am forever grateful to them. In some cases they were great supervisors in bad positions and the office culture was supremely fucked up.

In my first job the supervisor was a somewhat more malevolent version of Michael Scott--racist, sexist, abelist-- you name it.  He was also a religious fundie with 9 kids, each a year apart, and liked to pontificate about how insurance shouldn't cover things like HIV meds or pregnancy care for unwed mothers because those were lifestyle choices, and why should he have to pay for that?

That job sent me to the hospital for panic attacks.  The only good day on that job was the day I quit, but somehow I did last for 2 years. (Actually, I know how I survived-- my awesome direct supervisor, Bon-Bon! She shielded me from a lot, but she up and quit about a year after Michael Scott II came on board. I didn't last much longer after that.)

My second job was GREAT. 2 Great supervisors, interesting work. Mostly nice co-workers. (One shitty one who could have been Debbie Downer's sister...)

Why did I leave that job? OH, you know... more pay, a promotion... sigh. It was probably a good thing because my awesome supervisor only lasted 2 years at my second job because her boss was a whack-a-loon, but she'd managed to shield us from that. (noticing a trend in what great supervisors do?)

Third job... started off ok, except for my awesome supervisor up and quit about 3 months after I was hired. Grr.  Which left me in a shitastic mess of a situation with a quick succession of 5 shitty supervisors in less than a year, each one more insane and controlling than the last. But, no need to go into that now...

Then, layoffs! Fun, fun...

Fourth job... managed to get another job in my same department, which I was grateful for, except that my new boss was a heinous bitch and incompetent and a micromanager (the trifecta!).... and then the office went through another round of layoffs a year later ... (I was spared, but the ax was over my head)...

All that to say that of the past 7 years only one has been a good year at work. Only one year in which I didn't want to pretend to be sick every morning so that I wouldn't have to go in. Only one year in which I didn't wonder, "What am I going to get yelled at for today?" Only one year in which I  wasn't held responsible for things I had no control over.  Only 2 out of those 7 where I didn't worry about losing my job due to downsizing. Only 1 year in which my workspace wasn't moved or reconfigured without my input or opinion. Only 1 year in which I wasn't subjected to sexist remarks at least once a week.

So, yeah, while I haven't experienced "trauma" in the textbook sense, I certainly feel traumatized by some of my work experiences.  I'm not the only one, for what it's worth-- I'd say at least 90% of a workforce of about 4,000 feel similarly if the people I've come across in the past 4 years here are any indication.  Always waiting to see if you're the next one to get the ax is not a great way to spend your time... hearing that there will probably be more cuts in the future is sure to keep you on your toes.

And aren't I a pretty pretty princess for complaining about a job I still have? I know it. Add "survivor's guilt" to my list of anxieties too.

So, I've talked about my past jobs, but what about my current job?  It's great. I enjoy it. I find it meaningful. I work with kind and supportive (and enlightened!) colleagues.

But.

*sigh*

It's all going to change in the next 6 months.

Sometime in those next 6 months I'm going to get another new supervisor. I'm going to get a new colleague who will share the functions of my job. My assistant's contract will be up and we don't know if it will be renewed (harder on her than on me, I acknowledge.) The entire department I work for is likely to be split up, reconfigured and report to someone else in an entirely new structure as well as change physical locations.  The office I work directly in is likely to be split off from my current department and join a completely different department, cut off from the colleagues I'm currently working with.

So. Yeah.

Don't really feel like I can get too settled or too comfortable where I'm at, and that scares me.  While I feel like I'm in a supportive space I know all too well how quickly that can change, and that it's very likely to change, and also that there's nothing I can do about it. (A lack of control over one's situation is also a trigger for ptsd, we learned today.)

So, yeah... I don't really know how to let go of this anxiety and stress. After all, I might need it again shortly.

Being poor sucks

Well, ok, I know we're not really poor... even for where we live (where cost of living is CRAZY high for being in podunknowheresville) we're really just lower middle class.

I've mentioned this before, I know... but you see, the lack of money, it just gets in the way...!

It was pointed out to me that 4 years ago when I was making $28k I would have given my right arm to be making what I'm making now ($44k). It's true, I know.  And while my expenses have not really gone up, I also don't seem to have that extra $16k laying around anywhere. I mean, I've started putting more into my 403b, but I don't have $16k in there either... I've even cut my cable from the premium international channels to the basic channels (ok, 2nd tier basic, not BASIC basic... I'm not uncivilized or anything), I've been aggressively paying down my credit card bills, I don't have a car payment at the moment (though I'm terrified I'm going to have one any day now as my car is totally rusting out)... but, that still doesn't explain where my money is going! So, assuming, generously, that maybe $6k is going to the above items... where's the rest?

The most I can figure is that the cost of living is just going up. I mean, I was pretty marginal at $28k-- I probably couldn't really afford my oh-so-luxurious lifestyle in my 600 sq ft studio apartment which is located on the freeway and across from the electrical grid. But, well, costs are just going up. For example, when I moved here the condo fees were $115 a month... they are now $187.  The taxes were $1800... they are now around $2500. My heating bill never used to be over $150 in the middle of winter... it's now regularly over $150 even in the fall spring, and in winter it's closer to $250. The cost of my health insurance has gone up $1500 this year... the copays have gone from $10 to $20-$40...

Does all that add up to the missing $10k? I don't really know. It's sort of death by papercuts, isn't it?

This is all coming up right now because there are a few condos for sale in my area that I'd be really interested in but I'm only torturing myself (and Jedi) in looking at them.  More than that, we're also trying to consider where we'd like to go on our honeymoon and we've come up with...

...
...
...

Staying home! Because that's what we can (barely!) afford! Whee!

And it's not like we were looking at trips to France or anything... (Ok, I'm lying, we totally were! But only because  my mom's family is all there and we could stay for free and it's either my relatives come to the wedding or my grandpa pays for Jedi & I to go to France... Which sounds awesome, until you realize it means that we'll be sharing a bedroom with my 11 year old cousin. Oooo how romantic!)

We were then looking at a little cottage in Rhode Island, which is comparatively cheap for $1000 for 5 days... but then we do the math and we realize for the same price we could get our leaky, moldy, mildewy windows replaced... and if we go on the honeymoon we will have to live with those windows for another year. Probably not the wisest choice health-wise, huh? But oh, a week at the beach! Or, a persistent cough due to fungal infection... It's such a close call.

I would be willing to take this trade off of living a lower-middle class existence if it seemed to come with a greater freedom where free-time was concerned. I mean, I really enjoy my current job and it certainly encroaches on my personal life less than my old job, but I would love to work only part time ... and still be making (close to) what I'm making.

I was thinking about this today because there's a woman who just resigned and she only works part time (I don't know if her position will stay only part time) and just based on what the salary for the full-time job is I'm guessing she probably makes around $35-40k... working only 2.5-3days/week.  I would be COMPLETELY willing to make that trade off.  I don't think I'm qualified for her job at this point, but it's something to think about for the future.  I just feel like I would feel so much more rested and calm and centered having that kind of schedule... so much so that having less money would be more a matter of lifestyle choice than of -gee, aren't I getting screwed-ness.

But working my ample ass off 5 (+) days a week and still having to choose between moldy windows and honeymoons? That sucketh mightily.

How do other people do it? I'd really like to know.

(BTW, apologies for the slow posting schedule... I've been under the weather this past week)

Weddings are boring

No, really, they pretty much are. I've been to two weddings in my life that were AWESOME and AMAZING... and the rest were kind of just meh.

I get it, I totally do. I mean, most weddings follow the same script and unless you're intimately involved with the bride or groom... as a random acquaintance/cousin/date... it just all blends together.  That's not to say that a lot of thought didn't go into the wedding-- I'm sure it did-- but really, for the most part, every wedding is about 90% the same. Entrance... sermon... song... reading...vow...rings...exit...reception/dinner/dancing (obligatory chicken dance).... and, the end.  All the "My colors are Blush and Bashful," talk, all the debates over menus and centerpieces... well, it all blends together.

That's not to fault the simpler weddings--hell, with a $5,000 budget I think my own falls under that label-- but none of it is too interesting, even though it's usually the bride's obsession.

Hell, I'm sick of talking about/thinking about my OWN wedding-- and I'm in it!  I would say that talking with y'all here on the interwebs is the most kvetching about wedding stuff that I've done, other than my discussions with Jedi/his mom/my mom. (And most of my conversations with my mom end with, "I don't care! Do whatever you want for the flowers!")

I've been on the receiving end of obnoxious brides who have their bride books with all the colors laid out and all the table settings and they make you look at all the potential pictures of cake until your eyes glaze over.  I always swore I wouldn't be one of those people because A) it's super annoying and everyone hates you... B) there are more interesting things about me than my wedding... and C) talking about it stresses me out because it just reminds me of how much more there is to dddddoooooooo!  So, as a result, I've made a pretty concerted effort not to bring up the wedding unless someone else brings it up first.

Yesterday I was at Jedi's mother's office, where I frequently am (Did I mention that Jedi, his mother, and I all work for the same organization, though in different buildings) and we were discussing invitations.  Mostly we were discussing the fact that we're really going to have to trim the guest list because with the current proposal from the caterer we're feeding people cheese and crackers and that's not ok. (IMHO) If I'm inviting people I'd rather show 50 people an awesome time and serve them a dinner they'll remember for being delicious than invite 100 people  to a dinner where they'll get rubber chicken.

Anyhoo, as we were discussing this at the conference/lunch table other people sat down and started asking questions about the wedding/telling their own stories about their weddings.  Before I knew it the lunch hour had passed and that had pretty much been the topic of conversation-- though it seemed (to me) that everyone around the table had willingly participated in the conversation. I didn't try to keep the conversation only on my wedding and stop it from meandering to other topics as conversations have a tendency to do.

At the end of the lunch though one woman stood up and said, "All you ever talk about is your wedding."  I was pretty taken aback, esp. given that I usually try to NOT talk about the wedding. I said, "That isn't true!" She kept insisting, "Yes it is. That's all you talk about."

Now, this is a woman I see a few times a week, either in passing or when I visit Jedi's mother. Admittedly, when I visit Jedi's mother in the office it usually DOES have something to do with the wedding, but I can count about 2x in the last 2 weeks that I spoke about the wedding in this woman's presence and at least 5 other times when we had conversations about work related issues.

I was really, really, really hurt. Irrationally so, perhaps, but I just felt like it was a misrepresentation of reality. Part of the other reason I've been quiet about the wedding is also because I've had a couple of friends who are single flat-out say to me that it's too hard for them to hear anything about it (because they'd like to be married. (This isn't my, "Oh, the whole world must be jealous of me!" imaginings, they flat out said they were happy for me, but that it was too difficult for them.)), so I've gotten in the habit of not saying anything, unless, of course, I've been asked.

The woman sent me an email later to apologize, which I appreciated... I still can't help being upset though, and feeling weird for being upset... and then, there's another part of me that's kind of resentful. I feel like I've really tried my best to be respectful of how others feel... But goddamnit, it feels like no one is happy for me, and that I have to find reasons Jedi ISN'T amazing and wonderful so that I can prove that I'm not *quite* that happy, lest I offend someone with my happiness.

Edited to add: Even though I KNOW I've done more wedding talking on this blog than any other place (other than with parents) the "Wedding" labeled posts only #22... which is very far from being the most common topic on this blog. I feel slightly vindicated.

Jobs Jobs Jobs

So, Jedi STILL hasn't heard anything back officially from the job he's waiting on. This is totally ridiculous but also totally typical for this University.  While he'd really like this job we never know what might happen... so, on the plus side, he just got called in for another interview in a different department. Yippee!

As for me, I'm really liking my new position, though I'm still feeling nervous since it's technically a term position only through June. *sigh* I don't really know what's going to happen... people seem to like me and think I'm doing a good job... but, well, you never know what might happen!  Add to that the person who is currently my manager won't be my manager if I do get the job-- and I don't know who that manager would be-- so the job could change dramatically anyway.  Wait and see kind of thing, I guess.

In wedding news, my photographer fell through! ARGH! If any of you know of a good (CHEAP! Like, under $1000) photographer who is in the MA, NH, ME, VT area... do let me know!

Good Thoughts!

Jedi was contacted yesterday and told he's a finalist for a position-- in fact he's the top candidate!

Yippee!!!!  The only problem? They've asked to speak with his current supervisor (not just references) and his supervisor is an ass.  In fact, his supervisor is one of the reasons he wants to leave-- well, that and a pretty hostile workplace.

(e.g.  Jedi is a pretty sensitive guy, which is something I love about him.  The guys he works with are super-macho misogynist types and they're constantly harassing him.  For example, yesterday Jedi was whistling as he left the warehouse and one of the assholes he works with said, "Hey Jedi- you know who whistles?  Birds and faggots. And I don't see any feathers on you."  They're constantly throwing gay slurs at him-- in no small part I think due to the fact that he actively defends LGBT people when they do so, which just feeds the fire.)

I can't wait for him to get out of there. Hopefully he'll hear back today and hopefully it will be good news! Fingers crossed!

I can't get no satisfaction...

I just quit-- I should be happy, right?

I mean... I am... I guess. I just don't feel happy. Does that make sense?

I'm sure it doesn't, actually.

*sigh*

You know how scientists say people have a natural "set point" for happiness? Well, maybe this is mine. Maybe I'm just inclined to always feel a bit of malaise. Maybe I'm just a big whiny baby. I don't know.

I was actually feeling fine up until a few minutes ago when I got an email from my soon-to-be boss' boss. There was NOTHING bad in the email... but she pointed out that I should have maybe waited to ask my soon-to-be-boss for permission to do something so that it didn't seem like I was going over her head.

*sigh*

Why that should trigger a downward spiral, I'm not sure-- Maybe because I'm so used to being micro-managed where I am? Maybe because I'm used to my ideas and initiatives being shot down where I am? It just left me doubting my decision-- have I moved from one untenable situation to another?

Logically I know that's not the case. This woman responded perfectly nicely and was sure to couch her mild rebuke in between lots of flowering praise for taking initiative. That's worlds away from the situation I'm in now, so I know it's not the same thing.

I can't help feeling as though it is though.

I'm also a bit disappointed and hurt that my future MIL isn't going with me on the latest dress shopping excursion. I know that's stupid since she's been shopping with me 2x now, so I know it's not personal... again... it still feels that way though.

I have to say, I'm damned lucky that I have Jedi and that he is as constant and effusive in is praise, love, and admiration for me (to a nauseating degree sometimes). And no, I don't think it's because we're in a "honeymoon" period-- That's just frankly his personality. It's a nice contrast to my own gloomy-gus attitude most days.

Good thing I'm going to therapy tomorrow since I'm obviously a basket-case.

Well THAT was anti-climactic!

So, remember that thing that I mentioned that I was afraid to jinx? Well... things might still be jinx-able... (KNOCK ON WOOD)... but I'm hoping things are set.

I got a new job! Yippee, right?! I'm going to go and be... well... I was going to say specifically sort-of what I'm going to be doing, but that will make me too traceable. Gotta keep some semblance of privacy! Let's just say I'm going to go and be an assistant director in another department.

So, here's where the scary/jinxable part comes in-- I don't know what I'll be making yet (I KNOW! I KNOW! But I've been assured of the minimum at least... It may seem stupid to do it this way but our HR department is totally ass-backward and has been dragging their feet for 2 months on this paperwork already...) and... It's an acting position for a year.

That last part really does make me feel quite nervous, but I feel like it's a calculated risk. I've been reassured numerous times that I'm the person they want permanently in this position but because HR is so backed up (3 month lag time to even POST positions, nevermind interview (another 3 months) and then HIRE (another 1-2 months....) Well, they wanted someone in this post ASAP since we're starting the new school year and this was the most expedient way to do it.

However, I'm always mindful that there could be some newly minted Ph.D in the field of this department who swoops in and grabs this spot... life has no guarantees... but, as I said, it's a calculated risk. I've been unhappy in my current office for awhile (Their priorities are totally out-of-whack... think "The Office.") and this is a step up and in the direction I want to go. I feel like even if I only end up doing it for a year it will be good experience/a stepping stone.

The other nerve-wracking point is that I'm not the ONLY person in an acting position! My boss and my boss' boss (and my boss' boss' boss... come to think of it) are all also in acting positions! This house of cards could go crumbling at any time! The person who will be my direct supervisor for the coming year really is only temporary as she'll be doing 2 jobs at once-- they're going to be hiring for a permanent position in the spring... While I know I enjoy the people in the office I'm going to it's also a bit scary not to know who my boss will ultimately be.

So, what was the anti-climactic part? The giving notice part, of course. Why? Because one can't simply say, "Take this job and shove it!" Even if that IS the underlying sentiment! One has to make-nice in order not to be black-balled in this -oh-so-small community and say, "Thank you very much for the opportunities I've had here, I've really enjoyed it, and I'm sad to be leaving..."

Not that I had many doubts about leaving of course, but when they announced my departure at a staff meeting today it only solidified my resolve. Only 2 people came to say they were sorry to see me go... everyone else was very "Meh." about it. It's not like I haven't been the invisible girl here anyway. Why would I suddenly become visible when I leave?

The place where I'm going to I definitely feel "Seen"-- the Director (my boss' boss) is fantabulous and she's been great throughout this process. She's just really very effusive and encouraging and has bent over backwards in a lot of ways to make me feel welcome. It's a totally different environment. (Not that every office doesn't have it's dysfunctions, but this one has fewer than most on campus.)

Fingers crossed that it will all work out for the best in the end.

I'm still keeping my fingers crossed (hopefully you will too?) for Jedi and some other friends who are looking.

Lady in Waiting

I have some stuff on the horizon that I'm crossing my fingers about... Worried to jinx it by talking too much... But keep your fingers crossed for me!

I'm also hoping a part-time job I want will come through. It would be great-- something I can add to my resume that will help me in my field and it's something that I can do on my own time from anyplace I have an internet connection... Ok, ok... should I tell you what it is? It's reading admissions materials. Doesn't that sound like fun!? I'm a super fast reader and the admissions office is so overwhelmed that they require one (if one gets the job) to read at least 25 hours a week... but you can read more than that as you are able... I would LOVE to do this. *sigh* like everything else at this university hr moves slower than molasses in January... I left a message with the admissions office on Friday so hopefully I'll hear back this week.

It would totally help since Jedi and I are totally having money issues. I mean, we're not having money issues to the extent that we don't have food and shelter... but by having cable and internet we're totally living beyond our means. (But who can live without cable and internet these days?! Right? I mean, that's like asking me to live without running water. / )

We're puttering along ok. I admit wedding stuff is freaking me out to a greater extent that I wanted it to-- and I've found myself wondering more than a few times if I'm worrying more about the day itself than the future marriage. I mean, I like to think that simply by asking myself that question it means I'm in the clear, but I've found myself freaking out about potential table settings and centerpieces and it makes me want to hyperventilate.

To every bride, at every wedding I ever went to-- I'm really sorry for ever snarking about anything. My bad. I know realize just how much thought went into it and I know you did your best.

(Except to that one bride who totally didn't invite that someone that she totally should have to the wedding-- that was a bitch move and you totally deserved the snarking.)

Therapy, musings & escape

I should be feeling good. I really should. Jedi is in my life, I have my health, I have family that cares about me, I have more prospects than I've had in awhile...

And yet, I'm in a terrible funk. I'm anxious too and it's causing me lots of stomach ailments. I don't know why I'm so anxious, I just know that breathing enough air into my lungs to get through the day is a herculean effort.

I do see a therapist and she's helped quite a bit over the last three years. I don't think I'd be with Jedi without doing the work I've done with her. She's been on vacation for two weeks and I definitely feel myself fraying at the edges. I suppose I could call and talk to someone else in her office but that seems silly. I'm seeing her on Friday by which point many things may have resolved themselves.

I think part of my difficulty is that it feels like I'm now not only responsible for my life and well being, I'm responsible for Jedi's. I've been helping him apply to a new school and to new jobs-- both of which have been Sisyphean tasks thus far. In the meantime I'm trying to get my own life in order and he requires so much hand holding and direction that I feel like I'm a lifeguard swimming for two.

I knew going into it that this is what I was getting myself into though. Believe me, I know. His other--amazing-- qualities more than make up for this. I'm hoping that he can get into a program at a local college (whose term starts in early Sept) that would be a much better fit than what he has been doing (in my estimation-- but I know him very well.) The program would be a degree in radiology and it would be much more hands-on than what he is doing now. His program now requires a lot of essay writing-- which he despairs at. There may or may not be someone who is dropping out of the Radiology program between now and the start of the term and Jedi may or may not be able to take that spot. I'm really hoping the universe takes pity on him and makes this possible.

In the meantime I'm both hopeful and despairing about my own prospects (complicated, isn't it? Let's just say that I'm waiting to hear back about 3 different things-- Thing # 1 I really want, but am not likely to get. Thing #2 I might want under the right conditions, but it seems growingly unlikely those conditions will be there. Thing #3 I can likely have if I want it... but I totally don't.) I'm thinking in cases 2 & 3 it might be a case of going from the frying pan into the fire. *sigh*

A few weeks ago Jedi very seriously wanted us to pack everything up and leave that very day to go (back) to the midwest. I admit, I was tempted too. However, as we all know-- wherever you go, there you are. I know leaving won't really solve anything-- esp. leaving without having anything else planned-- but it is so tempting at times. And you're always reading those stupid eat, pray, love type memoirs about people who chucked it all and found bliss. Could that possibly be that the people who chucked it all and ended up homeless didn't end up with million dollar book deals? Hmmm...? I want to hear from those people.

In the meantime I'm just plugging away... trying to get up enough energy and courage to get out of bed each day to face the world.

Light at the End of the Tunnel?

I don't know if there's a light at the end of the tunnel... it's starting to feel like it but at the moment I don't want to jinx anything. I'll let you know in a month or so. :-p

Additionally, I just wanted to point out that in 365.25 days I will be married! How crazy is THAT to think about???!?

A Bad Day

Tomorrow will, very likely, not be a good day.

I got an email from my boss' boss on Friday (my day off) that ruined my weekend, left me sick to my stomach, asking me for a meeting first thing 9am on Monday. Tomorrow.

*sigh*

I'm pretty certain that this meeting will be to put me on warning for being insubordinate.

*sigh*

Nevermind that the email this meeting is going about was only to point out how it would not really be feasible for me to do the work they want done in the time period they want it done, (and oh- btw- had they looked at the spreadsheet I'd sent them 2 days ago because if they had bothered to open it they would have seen that it was already formatted in exactly the way they were requesting me to format it in the subsequent email.) Ok. I said it a bit more nicely than that, but I'm sure my frustration came through. Bad me.

Like I said, I"ve been SICK-- physically, emotionally, mentally-- about this all weekend. To the point where I started cutting myself again.

I KNOW this is stupid, believe me, I know. I also know that nothing makes me feel better faster.

I know that I will not care about the office I work in 5 minutes after I give my resignation. For all that I've been looking for new positions over the past year I've been somewhat lackadasical about it too-- only applying to jobs that I would REALLY want.

Yeah. No more of that. At this point I feel like I should just go an apply for anything and everything I'm qualified for and hope something sticks.

Jedi and I were talking about just packing everything up and moving back to the midwest without having any jobs lined up-- just giving 1 months notice and --boom-- we're out of here. It's very tempting, though not very practical, I know. It would feel super satisfying though!

The truth is that my patience with where we live is running out. There are basically 2 employers here-- the hospital and the college-- and all the other businesses service these other 2 businesses. We have a wal-mart, a kmart and a khol's and that's basically it. It is very pretty, but soul crushing with the cost of living and the lack of activities and non-transient young people.

I'm just feeling very discouraged at the moment. I know I don't technically have a lot to complain about-- I have Jedi, I have a roof over my head, I have a full stomach... But is it too first-world of me to want a job that's fulfilling and with people who value my input and insights?

When I was a kid I was "diagnosed" with Oppositional Defiant Disorder
This has to be the most seriously fucked up diagnosis ever, to tell you the truth--

Symptoms of ODD may include:

• Frequent temper tantrums
• Excessive arguing with adults
• Often questioning rules
• Active defiance and refusal to comply with adult requests and rules
• Deliberate attempts to annoy or upset people
• Blaming others for his or her mistakes or misbehavior
• Often being touchy or easily annoyed by others
• Frequent anger and resentment
• Mean and hateful talking when upset
• Spiteful attitude and revenge seeking

Um... Yeah. Could all of these symptoms also be explained by the fact that the adults AROUND me were complete controlling asshats who gave orders that made no sense and were frequently narcissistic and controlling also?

So, yes, I recognize I have a bad attitude at times... As an adult I've learned to control it most of the time and at least pretend that I"m semi-civilized... but I swear! My workplace is making me want to react in childish ways. (You'll have to take my word for it that 3/4 of my colleagues are CRAZY people... but trust me, they are.)

*sigh*

Anyone want to hire me?

(I know, I know! After that you surely will, won't you?! But trust me! I'm a fantastic employee when my employer isn't insane!)

Prospects

It's job hunting season where I work. Now that the layoffs are past and the company has started rehiring again it seems like everyone is job hunting. In fact, it's almost like a game of musical chairs... (or is it more like rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic? Ha. It's hard to tell sometimes.)

It's hard here because not only is the hiring process "as slow as molasses in January" as one of my friends put it, but now that it's all limited to internal hires, it seems like everyone is competing with their friends for the same handful of positions.

One good thing about working in such a tight-knit community is that everyone knows the dirt about everyone elses' office. That's also the bad thing! There are a fair number of positions that seem interesting on paper/good to an outsider... but we know better! We know that particular supervisor is terrible... or that that particular office is being consolidated and so who knows who is going to be made redundant... or that that office is horribly disorganized... or that that office refuses to get rid of the dead weight and keeps on a receptionist that makes everyone's life hell.

Therefore, not only is there a small pool of positions to choose from, but the pool of positions that are in offices where people aren't certifiably crazy is even smaller. Picture a kiddie wading pool.

Amongst friends we try to feel each other out... Oh- Were you interested in that? If so, I wont apply... Oh, are you looking to leave? Does that mean your position will be open? What's it like to work there?... do you know so-and-so? Why is that person leaving?

My job is actually going a bit better these days. However, the fall is quickly approaching and I know that it will soon mean that my peaceful weekends will be at an end. There are aspects to my job that I enjoy but being asked to work 90% of the weekends between September and June is just hell-- and inhumane-- (well, at least it is at the piddly salary I'm making.) So, right now I'm keeping my eyes open for something that will let me have some semblance of a personal life.

I'm also keeping my fingers crossed for 2 friends who have yet to hear back about positions they were supposed to hear back about last week. I hope we all make it out of all this reorganization with our sanity intact and better, more fulfilling jobs on the horizon.

The Road Not Taken

I heard back from the University in Australia yesterday. I didn't get the scholarship... :-(

Boo...! Right? I mean, yes...

Well, I feel very ambivalent about it.

What this basically means is that I can't go to Australia... this year at least. This is because this particular program-- that was for 6 months in Norway-- wasn't covered by US financial aid because of a whole bunch of red-tape reasons.

So, I'm deferring. I don't know if I'm deferring and will actually GO next year, or if I'm just deferring to keep from having to make a decision.

As I'm deferring I'm also transferring my acceptance to a different program -- one that WOULD be eligible for more varied forms of financial aid. So, yes, I'll apply for that aid...

...but... well...

Maybe I'm getting too old for this. The thought of doing all that paperwork, all those visas, all those work permits, packing, moving, finding a renter for my place, figuring out what to do with my dog... (Not to mention Jedi)... well, it's exhausting me.

So, taking a year to figure things out doesn't sound so bad. I plan to read (all those books I've missed for the past 2 years! It's amazing how reading for school kills your desire to read for pleasure!), I plan to write! (This is what my peanut gallery wants me to do... write and earn millions! Ha!), I plan to garden... I plan to do yoga! ... I plan to go to the farmer's market... I plan to take a cooking class... I plan to beat Mario Galaxy 2 on the Wii...

And frankly? That doesn't sound so bad.

All I want now is a new job-- one that will give me the TIME I need to do all of those things! A job in which I can feel challenged and engaged, but not stressed out all the time.

Fingers crossed that with one path barred in front of me another will be shown to me!

First World Problems

I just finished my thesis defense.

Yippee, right? Nothing stands between me and graduation in 2 weeks... (Well, except for my boss who still might not give me the day off. I would quit, but there's that whole little thing about PAYING THE DAMN BILLS. Believe me though, I fantasize about saying, "Take this job and shove it..." precisely for these types of issues. After how much I've given to this job to threaten to not allow me the day off just makes my blood boil."

So, you'd think I'd be happy... right? And yet... no. In fact I haven't been depressed like this in months and months... (Well, not since March to be specific. When I first asked for commencement day off and the refusal spiraled into a whole litany of my failings as an employee...) I've not been hearing back from any of the places I've applied to and one job I particularly had my sights set on it sounds as though-- even though I'm eminently qualified for the entry level position (I just really want to work in that department-- I'm willing to take a pay cut in order to do it.)--- It's unlikely I'll get it... because of various political reasons that are out of my control.

Additionally, I've not heard back about the potential scholarship to Norway/Australia which they were supposed to be deciding on last week. I know I should just be in touch with them, but right now the university in Australia is kind of annoying me... Even though I was accepted in APRIL I still have not received any OFFICIAL letter of acceptance. This makes me doubt the quality of the program if they can't even get their act together to do that!

Anyway... so, right now I'm just feeling really trapped and stuck and I'm about to head into the busiest season at work. The busy season means that for about 3 weeks I won't be able to get away from work AT ALL. Saturdays, Sundays... Working from 8am-11pm every single day. It is GRUELING and just the thought of it makes me want to kill myself.

I think one thing that REALLY stresses me out about this ... really depresses me... is that I'm coming up on my 1 year anniversary of the time that I was unceremoniously plopped into my current position due to restructuring. (Oh, did I mention that 3 people in my office recently got promoted? One of them I trained in? And she got promoted ABOVE me? for the job I trained her for?) For this entire year I've been telling myself- "I'll be off to something better-- something I really LOVE to do!-- before I have to work this hellacious month!

And yet... Here I still am!! :-( The thought makes me cry. In fact, I have been crying. I've been unable to get out of bed for the past 2 days because I'm totally depressed.

Sigh... How do I get un-stuck?!

... end to the cliffhanger!

Sorry to leave you all hanging like that! It's been an INSANE week...

I completed 63 pages of my thesis! Yippee... (Um, now I just need to write about 63 more before Tuesday. Should be awesome considering I have to work all weekend as well!)

So, well, I'm sure you're all wondering WHAT HAPPENED!?!

So, well... here's what happened.
As I said in my last post, Jedi and I had been discussing making things official for a little while. Frankly, it just got to the point where the pretense was mostly for my non-freaking out benefit, yanno? As in, I could say, yes I plan on being with him... but to make it formal? WHOA! Hold on, Nellie.

And then I realized... I felt at peace about it. That there's no one else I've ever met who makes me feel as good, as safe, as loved, as precious, as he does. Why WOULDN'T I want to purchase instead of lease (so to speak... ha.)

So, on Friday I mentioned to him that I thought it might be time to make things "official." We went out that night to a very nice restaurant and at the beginning of the meal he presented me with his great-great-aunt's ring. His mother wanted me to have half of the diamonds to be put into the setting I picked out (The other half of the diamonds will go to Jedi's sister when she's older.) I was REALLY touched-- to me, to do something like that is really to welcome me to the family FOR REALZ, yanno? (BTW- Have I mentioned that I LOVE LOVE LOVE Jedi's mother? She is SO sweet! I'm so lucky.)
There weren't any big speeches (Everyone's asked this question-- "How'd he do it!? SQUEEEE!") because the truth is that we've given the speeches to each other about a million times. There isn't a single day that Jedi doesn't tell me how much he loves me and why he loves me and why he wants to be with me. I have no doubts about any of it.

He did say that he would refrain from getting down on his knees as he knew that would offend my feminist sensibilities! Ha! Did I tell you he's the guy for me, or what!?

Well... soon after this a minor shit storm happened...
See, I figured that one of the first people to know it was "official" should be Ramses, who DID set Jedi and I up on our blind date, after all! So I texted him the news, but didn't hear back from him. A few seconds after I texted him my mother called just to chat, and so I spoke to her for about 15 minutes to tell her the news.

I LITERALLY got off the phone with my mom, and my phone rang IMMEDIATELY... It was Npapaya... and her first question to me was, "So what's this I hear about you being engaged?"

....ARGH!...

Sometimes I HATE living in small towns!!!!

Ramses had texted his friend who also happens to be friends with Npapaya our news... and well, the rest is history, obviously.

Npapaya was a bit miffed that I hadn't told her myself.

Well, I swore all these people to secrecy (as much secrecy as there is in this town, which means I may as well have taken out a billboard!)... but... well...
Of course, since I NEVER learn from my mistakes I did this not once, but TWICE. As I mentioned, It's been an insane week, and I've been out of town for most of it. I've not wanted to tell people over email or phone, so I've been holding off on telling people until I can see them in person. Additionally, I've not told my dad or grandparents since I'll be seeing them at Easter

Well, on Tuesday a former colleague emailed me about a random question, and told me that her daughter had just gotten engaged. Thinking nothing of it since she no longer works with the people I wanted to tell in person, I told her that I had also just gotten engaged.

Um. Yeah. THAT was a mistake.

About 10 minutes after that I get an email from my friend Di who is all, "WTF!?" and Also, "Why the hell did I have to hear about this from TESSA!"
For the record-- I can't stand Tessa... so as pissed as Di was, I was pissed too! I started getting emails from all sorts of people saying, "Congrats!"... grrr!

And then I realized... Tessa works with Gail. Gail happens to be best friends with my stepmom... and I can just see her calling my stepmom up and being all... "I just heard the good news!"

Argh! So, tomorrow morning I need to head her off and hope she hasn't already made that call! Eeek!

Oh-- did I mention the ring? That's always the first question people seem to have-- (That, and...When's the date! ARGH! The date will be sometime in 2012 I think, and I don't want to think about it yet...Seriously, what is wrong with people!)

As for the ring, this is what it looks like... (Smaller diamonds from Jedi's aunt's ring will be set in the swirls.) I went to go look at it today... I know it shouldn't matter what it looks like, but it gives me warm fuzzies to know that I will (Hopefully!) be wearing this ring for the next 50+ years! (eeek!)

Grown Up Busy Work

So I am spending my day doing the grown up version of busy-work. You know those worksheets you had as a kid? The ones designed to keep you occupied while the teacher did other stuff? Yeah. That's what I'm doing now. I'm doing database clean-up for data that no one will ever look at. SWEET.

I feel SOOOOOO motivated. Well, being able to pay my mortgage and have health insurance keeps me motivated. Yippee.

Not a Controversy, just an update

It's ControverSunday so I feel like I should write something controversial. I've also been neglecting my blog of late because my job makes me want to kill myself and I've got no energy to do anything but collapse.

Hating my job is not exactly controversial, I know. A lot of people hate their jobs. I was thisclose to quitting on Friday. I've been on disability leave for a month and I asked for a day off... this coming JUNE... and my boss responded by saying that I've been passing my work off onto other people and this is unacceptable... etc. I was LIVID... and upset... and crying all day.

I'm just SOOOO DONE with this job. It leaves me unable to think,breathe, do ANYTHING other than work and stress about work. I've made no progress on my thesis (Which I just want to FINISH ALREADY.)

In the midst of all this though Jedi showed again just how amazingly sweet he is-- I'd spoken with him on the phone about how upset I was and he came home with flowers and ice cream for me. He really is thoughtful. (Oh, and he just made me a sandwich! Cause I said I was hungry! What a gem! And he did the dishes before I got up this morning! I'm so in love!)

Is that selfish of me? To love him in large part because of how much he does for me? It makes such a difference in my life though-- and I find it such an important demonstration of love. I think if he wasn't constantly going OVERBOARD my general inclination would be to doubt the sincerity of his words. His actions make how much he cares about me indesputible though.

So... a controversy... I feel like I should be able to think about one.... But I've got a migraine, so I'm going back to bed. Talk amongst yourselves!

Why I have no time to post lately...

Yes, I'm just getting better after surgery-- just now starting to feel human again. But that just means I've got 3 weeks of work to catch up on! And 118.5 pages to write on my thesis, which is due March 1!

I'm stressing out, obviously, but the REAL reason I'm in a bit of a snit has more to do with what I'm dealing with which is REMARKABLY similar to this:

(Especially the part about interrupting every 15 minutes for status updates. EGADS! Just let me DO IT already!)

In the meantime, things continue to go well with Jedi, though because of work I've been a bit short tempered and taken it out on him. (Not good, and I've apologized.)

Have I mentioned I'm a real estate junkie? I used to be a realtor and I LOVE LOVE LOVE looking at houses and fantasizing about buying them. Ok, I have NO money, and I already own a (minuscule) condo. Buying a place is the LAST thing I need to be thinking about but Npapaya sent me a listing recently that looks really great.
It's under $130k (Which in our area means it is practically FREE!)

I think Jedi & I are going to go look at it. Don't worry, I'm not getting carried away (yet)... this is all just fantasy so far. It would require a fair bit of financial magic to make anything happen (because he's a student and I'm poor and neither Jedi nor I have any long-lost relatives named Bill Gates. I can't help trying to think of scenarios in which this would somehow work though... (mostly because I have NO ROOM in my place! Argh! Jedi & I are tripping over each other!)

However, if Npapaya decided to bid on it I would totally let her have it, because I'm an awesome friend that way! :-p

(And this has nothing to do with the fact that Jedi & I might BOTH lose our jobs in the next two months. Gah! This economy sucks!)