The Right Guy

Hello my faithful readers ... (however many of you are left after my inconsistent posting schedule...!) Work is KICKING my butt and I haven't even started on that thesis I hoped to have a first draft of by now. DAMN IT!

However, I am happy to report that Jedi and I are still doing remarkably well! (I say remarkably because I am a remarkably difficult person to deal with at times, yet he is unfailingly kind and patient with me.)

So... well, that's good! I can't believe we've made it 5 months... that's a record for both of us. And to think, I totally didn't want to waste my time with him at first... good thing I let him get under my skin. He said last night that he thinks he might be too "Nice." I have to say, this is TOTALLY true... But if he hadn't been so nice I wouldn't have kept not being able to find excuses to dump him. (Wow, that was a convoluted sentence-- but you get what I mean.)

We've had a few misunderstandings because he's so nice though-- Such as the time when I picked him up from work at 4:45. I was running late-- I thought his work got out at 4:30. So, I apologized... but he was all, "Are you ok? I thought you'd had an accident or something... " but didn't make a big deal about it AT ALL. I only found out a few days later that he gets out of work at 4pm... not 4:30 (never mind 4:45)... woops! (My cell was out that day, so he couldn't call to see where I was.) I would probably have been extremely annoyed with him, and I would have let him know it right then and there... But, well, he HATES confrontation.

While I appreciate that (having grown up in a household that is very confrontational) I'm working on getting him to express what he's ACTUALLY feeling as opposed to suppressing it.

In OTHER news... Over the break I had breakfast with Science Guy (remember him!?) We had a good time-- he is a nice guy, if a bit clueless oftentimes. He talked about his girlfriend and I talked about Jedi, and we talked about maybe double dating.

Science Guy said... "NO WAY! Jedi will make me look bad!"

True... True... True...

I had mentioned to him that Jedi got me a digital camera (and about a million other things!) for Christmas...

Science Guy started laughing and said, "Do you know what I got my girlfriend for Christmas? A Salt Shaker."

For REALZ. A SALT SHAKER.

I asked him, "Does she want one? Does she need one? Does she collect them? Is it an inside joke?"
His response, "No. We just had a dollar limit and it fit in the limit and I saw it in the store. I thought it was funny."

He was going to meet up with his girlfriend after our breakfast and give her the gift.

Hmmm.... I should probably touch base with him to see if he's STILL going out with her. HA HA HA....

I think I got the right guy.

Crossing Boundaries

I've mentioned before that Jedi likes to be with me 24/7... Which is overwhelming. He constantly tells me how happy I make him. I also find this overwhelming. I can't be responsible for his happiness! I am barely able to be responsible for myself!!!

I mentioned that he conveniently "forgets" stuff at my house so he has an excuse to come over. (And I'm a sucker because I once he's there I totally want to make-out-n-stuff and so I totally let him stay.)

I put my foot down for the past few days though and made if very clear-- NO COMING OVER! Absolutely NOT! Nuh-uh! NO WAY! (And, that we're TOTALLY going back to the system of "days of the week"... so, he'll get Wed & Fri, and MAYBE another day during the week.)

And he's been good about it...

Except...

That he's shown up at my office both of those days with rather flimsy excuses. (Ok, one day wasn't an excuse. He was having a tough day at work and needed some TLC.) In both cases he didn't actually enter my office, and he only stayed 2-5minutes. (Part of his job requires him to make deliveries and his route takes him past my office.)

I feel like he's pushing boundaries... but... not to the point where I need to do anything about it (yet.)

On the other hand, as I said, I find it overwhelming that he needs to be in contact with me so much. It makes me uncomfortable to be so vital to someone's perceived well-being.

We had a long talk about this the other night, (in which I totally hurt his feelings, but it couldn't be helped.) I know it makes him feel rejected that I don't feel the need to be by his side all the time, or texting, or calling, or otherwise thinking about him.

But, that's not going to change. Heaven help me if I ever feel my happiness is totally dependent on one person! That, to me, is the mark of a totally unhealthy relationship. I told him, also, that one of the other big issues I have is that I feel that before I could get serious about him, he'd need to have lived on his own for a couple of years.

Not because I feel like he needs to be a 'grown-up' and have enough $$ to have a place of his own (Though, well, there is THAT. But that's not the primary reason!) It's because so much PERSONAL GROWTH happens when someone is living on their own! I would not be who I was meant to be if I had gone straight from my parent's house to my (hypothetical) husband's house. I know there are people who do it- (different strokes and all that)- but it doesn't seem like a good idea to me. So, even setting aside the issue of me needing my SPACE, I wouldn't even entertain the idea of letting him move in with me for personal growth reasons.

That bothered him too.

He said something about "...when you let me move in with you..." (I forget the exact phrasing)... And I recoiled and said something like, "Nightmare scenario!"

He replied saying, "I was only kidding! You were supposed to laugh!"

I said, "That's not a funny joke."

He said, "Why are your jokes funny and not mine?" *

*(Side note: I'm constantly making cracks about how I can't hang out with him because I'm going out with my "other boyfriend." He knows I'm not seeing anyone else, but he doesn't find these jokes funny. Npapaya and I find them HILARIOUS.)

I replied, "My jokes are funny because they're preposterous. Your joke is not funny because if I ACTUALLY said, "I want you to move in with me," you would reply, "give me 20 minutes to pack up my stuff and I'll be right back," wouldn't you?"

He buried his head in his pillow and nodded.

*sigh*

I did give him a drawer.



*** Other side note: I should also add that it's not bad to some extent that he's pushing me. I tend to be very laissez-faire about relationships. Science guy and I "went out" for 8 months with about 8 dates and only a little hand-holding throughout that entire time period. If Jedi wasn't constantly saying "When can I next see you?" I'd probably be content with seeing him once every couple of weeks or so.

Blast from the past

Y'all won't believe who called me at work today... Muckraker.

I mean, right? I know. That's effed up.

It's funny, in the past I would have been all a twitter... Whoo! He called! Right? Ha.

I know you will NOT be surprised to hear he needed a favor.

I was a little more surprised to hear him asking how my love life is going... Do I have a boyfriend?

Ha ha ha ha!

I the past I would have been flattered by this thinking, "Gee! Maybe it means he wants me after all!"

I was vague. It's none of his business.

Besides, I'm 99% sure that our mutual friend Mary would have told him that, yes, I AM dating someone.

I turned the question around on him... "Are you dating anyone?"

He totally dodged that one.

He asked if he could call me next week. I said sure... Mostly because I'm amused by this.

Compare and contrast Muckraker (Who could also be called Mr.2Old being 12 years older than I am...) with Mr.2young.

Muckraker has only ever been in touch when he needs something, he never does anything thoughtful/out of the blue for anyone as far as I can tell, and if not outright deceitful then definitely shady.

Mr.2young is in touch with me daily (much to my annoyance sometimes,) is always thoughtful (He got my favorite candy for me the other day... This morning he came to my work and brought me breakfast...), and he's totally honest-- to an extreme, sometimes.

There's really no comparison, is there?

Hmmm... I think I got the better bargain.

(Oh-PS! When it rains, it pours! Science Guy is back in touch! He wants to do breakfast sometime this week. I'm amused. I'll meet with him. Maybe I'll bring Mr.2young along... hee... hee...)

Don't Fuck This One Up!

"Don't fuck this one up."

Those are the wise words of my straight-shooting therapist. I would be offended at the implication that I have fucked up other 'ones' if I didn't know it to be true. My flight instinct is still in high gear though I'm trying to fight it. I admit though that as much as I like Mr.2young I'm still looking for the character flaw that will allow me to kick him to the curb. (Harsh, I know...)

And, intuitive guy that he is, Mr.2young confessed that his fear is that he's going to do something that is going to give me a reason to do that.

*sigh*

Do I feel bad about this? Somewhat. Is this totally unfair to him? Absolutely. Which is why I'm not letting myself end it though my instinct is to do so.

I enjoy the time I spend with him. When I'm with him I don't have any doubts or fears because I'm just in the moment. But when he's gone all those insecurities come flooding back.

I feel like a drowning swimmer who, when the lifeguard comes to save him, fights and thrashes instead of letting himself be saved, thus drowning the lifeguard as well. I don't want to do that.

I went against my instincts and invited Mr.2young to a jazz club on Friday with about 10 of my friends. I was nervous. He was nervous. (Again, he worried that if they didn't like him it would be an excuse to get rid of him. Like I said, smart guy.)

I like to keep my different worlds from touching. Sometimes they interact-- such as when Nell (A Grad Student friend) and Npapaya (A Work Friend) came over the other night. Rarely do the twain meet though, and I like it that way. This group on Friday was my 'Grad Student friend' group, which is probably worse than having him meet my work friends. I would say that my work friends are a little kinder, more understanding. The grad students are great, but totally bitchy. (In a super fun way!)

The grad student friends knew both Muckraker (because he was a grad student), and Science Guy (Because I invited him for dinner with them once.) They obviously liked muckraker (even if they did find him super shady), but none of them liked Science guy for some inexplicable reason. The only thing they would really say is "He's not good enough for you." Which... frankly... was totally not true. I don't know by what definition they were using "not good enough." He was nice (if a bit immature), smart, well-educated (post-doc), well-established, generous, and into me. But... whatever.

So, yes, I was nervous as to what their opinion would be... imagine my surprise when only half-way through the evening my friends started giving me surreptitious thumbs-up. I got numerous people saying, "We really like this one!" "So much better than the last guy!" So... yippee...? :-p

He spent the night on Friday and I had to work on Saturday. He was supposed to spend the night on Saturday and Sunday, but I cancelled on him. No, not because I wasn't feeling it, but because I'd been around people WAY too much this weekend. I'm an introvert at heart, and I need a lot of space and quiet time to recuperate after being around people.

I do know that this might seem crazy... like, why would I prefer an evening alone (with Don and Betty Draper!) to fun times with a real, live, cute guy... ? Right? But it's really about my own sanity and needing space. I have forewarned Mr.2young numerous times about this-- that it's not personal, but that I need lots of alone time. He seems to get it (or, at least if he doesn't he feigns understanding quite well.)

I might see him tonight. I'll probably see him on Wednesday if we go to a play together.

(PS-- Another example of my craziness? I told him he needs to stop telling me I'm beautiful and gorgeous. It just makes me too uncomfortable. Probably because *I* don't believe it, and so therefore it feels like he's lying to me. Yes, yes... I need professional help. Don't worry. I'm getting it.)

I choose my choice! I choose myself.

Last night I went out with a bunch of friends and Muckraker was there. It was suddenly as if a light had gone on (or off?) and as I was looking at him I realized I couldn't remember why I had ever found him attractive. (No, I won't go back into the blog archives to remind myself...!)

There was just-- nothing there. Phew! And more than that, bemusement as to "what on earth was I thinking was there in the first place?"

I think much of this came out of a realization I had over vacation. For the past 8-9 months or so I've been obsessing over muckraker and Science guy... as though I have to somehow choose between them (nevermind whether or not they actively want me/wanted me at various points in time.) As though these were somehow my only two choices EVER. Because if they didn't want me, who would?

And... Duh. This is a false dichotomy. Not only because there are more than those two guys in this world.... but because there's actually a third choice. And that third choice is myself.

And at this point in time? That third choice is a much better option than either of those two.

I'm not stopping my search, but it's good to realize I always have choices. And choosing myself is NOT a consolation prize... it's the GRAND prize. (This is not to say that finding someone awesome wouldn't ALSO be a GRAND prize... but that's the thing-- this isn't a zero-sum game. Both choices are/would be good ones. But it's so easy to get caught up in the dynamic of-- Oh, I HAVE to choose this person, or I'll LOSE by being alone FOREVER. And that's simply wrong.)

A total bust!

Ugh. Bad blind (or, not-so-blind) date!

(If you'll recall, Npapaya set me up on this. I'm really starting to question her otherwise infallible wisdom as this is the second terrible blind date she's set me up on.)

So-- What was wrong with this guy?

• WAY too short for me. (When I'd originally met him, he was sitting down. MISTAKE!) He was a good 6 inches or so shorter than I am. And I am not a super tall woman. (5'8)
• WAY too old for me. (Now, I know this seems odd, given that I like Muckraker and all that, and Muckraker is only about 3-5 years younger than this guy... but this guy just SEEMED SO MUCH OLDER! (Maybe this is also because Muckraker is so immature... hmmm.)
• I felt like I was having a conversation with one of my grandparents' friends... just, completely cross-generational. I would mention something from pop culture, and he would just stare at me blankly.
• No conversation. I felt like I did a good job of carrying the conversation... He put in an effort (for him) I think... but there were a lot of.... "yup." "MmmHmm" kind of responses, that make it difficult to carry on a conversation.
• Lack of ambition. He's in the same job he's been in for the last 10 years. And, he seems perfectly happy to plod along in it for the next 10 years. That would be perfect for some girl, I'm sure. That girl is NOT me. (Again, this is also what I like about Muckraker-- his rather risky and adventurous career choices. *sigh*)
• THE CHECK. Ok. I admit, I wouldn't have gone out with him even if he HAD picked up the check... But he didn't pick up the check. Even with all the purse fiddling I did. And... well, for all my feminist ways, I'm TOTALLY old-fashioned when it comes to this. I'm not a "gold-digger" by any means. I completely expect to support myself. When in a relationship I try to split the costs for things regularly (Not necessarily 50/50... but more along the lines of-- "Oh, you got the check last time, let me get it this time.") Science Guy and I do this all the time. (In fact, I have to give Science Guy a 100% satisfaction score on this point. He's very good at offering, even when I insist on paying. When I do insist on paying, he makes a point to grab the check at the next thing we do.)

I was talking to my therapist about the check-paying thing actually. She says that the men she talks to feel like they're in a terrible bind, that they're worried about offending women if they offer to pay... (Show me one woman who has ever been offended by an "OFFER*!?!)... I call Bull SHIT on that one.

Now, I can understand if that offer comes with strings attached-- even only implied, about what someone is "paying" for with that dinner. SKEEVY. I would be offended too.

But, a good date should be like going out with a good friend, I think. It shouldn't be a high-pressure thing. When I go out with Npapaya, sometimes I'll get the check, sometimes she does, sometimes we'll split it.

The one difference however? On a "first" date? The guy should really get the check. I'm sorry, that's just the way I feel about it. Most women I've talked to feel the same way.

If a guy DOESN'T get the check? That is my #1 signal that he is not interested in me. If he asks me out again, after not having gotten the check? Not only does that confuse me, but it also gives me a bad foreshadowing of any relationship... Just that he doesn't find me worthy of much consideration. Imagine what a 10th anniversary would be like with a guy like that? NO THANK YOU. Either way, no second date. Maybe that makes me a bitch... maybe.

So... long story short, I couldn't wait to get out of there with that guy. Glad that date is over with!

Ooops! Let's play catch-up.

I realize it's been a long time since I posted. Time has been getting away from me since I started classes and since I've been trying to wrap up some work as I'm transitioning to my new position.

So.... with that in mind, let's play some catch up!

Science Guy:
Remember how in that last post I mentioned that Science Guy was growing on me? ...Sigh... Seems like we take two steps forward and then one step back. We went out about a week ago, and things were going well until I brought up the whole "Girls Gone Wild" episode (I know, I know, I couldn't leave well enough alone.) It still bothers me that he thinks I'm over reacting, whereas I just think it's totally douchey. I know on some level he's just immature, and I know that I can't expect him to agree with everything I believe in, but to me this is rather important. I'm not even anti-porn, I just think Girls Gone Wild in particular is so disrespectful to women. (And now that I've mentioned "Girls Gone Wild" two three times in this post, I'm sure to have many new readers finding their way here!) I'm just not sure where that leaves us. Add to that the fact that he seems perpetually stuck in this place of expressing interest, but then backing away when I reciprocate, and I just don't know where to go from there.

Muckraker:
Speaking of immature.... ! Muckraker is WAY too old to be acting like a second grader. (I've spoken to a couple of my guy friends about him, and they were both saying "Oh, yeah. He's interested. That's how guys show their interested." Which, to me, just proves how weird, and how perhaps I'm not equipped to deal with men.) He passes me notes in class, and 'playfully' hits me... (DUDE! You're FORTY FUCKING YEARS OLD!)... And he's incredibly annoying....

And yet-- let's face it-- there's a part of me that gets off on the attention, the drama of the 'hot and cold' attention, he gives me, or I would just tell him to fuck off.

But there's another part too....
We had dinner with a couple of our mutual friends the other night. It was an impromptu thing, and I didn't really invite him to join us, a couple of the friends I invited to dinner did, (because they're both trying to play matchmakers...) Every once in awhile I would turn towards him and I would catch him staring at me. And he gets this expression on his face, this expression that somehow says, "You are the most beautiful, interesting, amazing person I've ever met." Maybe I'm projecting... maybe it's wishful thinking... but that's how I read it. And that expression stops me in my tracks and makes me forget all his douchiness. And that's what I really get off on. (Hell, I totally know I could be wrong. For all I really know, that expression actually means, "I'm constipated.")

New Guy... Let's call him ShyGuy...
I've been set up on a sort-of-blind date for this coming week. Npapaya's friend has been trying to set me up with ShyGuy for almost a year now. I'm pretty open to being set up, but this person is a (distant) colleague, and he's quite a bit older (Somewhere between 40-45... which, I know though Muckraker is 40, he seems younger somehow-- perhaps because I met him in my classes, I first met him when he was 39--which psychologically puts him in a different place, and...he's so fucking immature.) I had seen him from afar before-- he's not bad looking, though rather short, but he's also not someone who would make me turn around and take a second glance. Mostly because he seems very much like someone who would have three kids, and be settled down...

All that to say that I wasn't too keen on being set up-- not for any particular reason, but rather because there didn't seem to be a compelling reason to go out with him. Didn't seem like there'd be much in common.

Npapaya invited me to a July 4th party and ShyGuy was there. I didn't realize it was him since I'd not really seen him up close before (and frankly, I don't know that I'd be able to describe him now... like I said, not unattractive, but just nothing distinguishing, I think.) We talked a little bit...and the conversation was a little bit of a disaster. I believe I said something along these lines.

(About the brownie's he'd made.) Me: These are really good brownies.
Him: Oh, I'd be happy to give you the recipe. (In hindsight, this would have given him a good excuse to contact me. If I'd been thinking clearly, I would have realized this.)
Me: Oh. No thanks. I don't cook. I mean, I would... If I had anyone to cook for. But I don't. Because I'm single. But I'm a good cook. If I did cook. But I don't. Because I'm single. I mean, I don't mind being single, but I'd probably cook more. If I wasn't. You know. Single. Did I mention I'm single?

Doh. Now, normally such verbal diarrhea would indicate nervousness because I really liked this person, but in this case it was only because I was trying to keep the conversation going. I didn't really feel like we had much to talk about.

Npapaya and her friend were very excited the next day, saying, "It couldn't have better planned! What did you think of him!?" etc. I mentioned it was fine, but nothing exciting.

Npapaya asked me if I would want to go out with him? Did she want me to set something up. Again, no real compelling reason to go or not to go... I said ok. And, well, she did. And so we're going out sometime this week.

The reason I said yes is really because Npapaya and her friend have been really talking him up. "He's the nicest guy! Really sweet! Quiet and Shy. You just need to get to know him!" Ok. What's there to lose? Worst case scenario I'll have gotten to better know a colleague, right?

He's really grown on me

I had a long chat with Science guy tonight. Unfortunately it was over the phone... I would have preferred that it be in person. I've been thinking about him a lot the past few days... really missing being with him actually, which has surprised me. All I know is that I was feeling down tonight, and he's the one I wanted to be with.

I think he likes me in that way still.... but, well, it's still hard to tell since the last few times he's been the one to say- "Let's just be friends." And now that I'm finding myself really into him, I'm worrying that he may be totally over me.

Maybe it's too late and I blew my chance already? I mentioned perhaps doing something with him this weekend, but that my family was going up to the lake camp, and I wasn't sure if I should join them. He said he thought I should go with my family. I thought about inviting him to go to the cabin, but ... that might be would be totally awkward, given that I've never introduced ANYONE to my family.... and science guy & I are at a totally ambiguous place right now.

I still really want to spend time with him this weekend though.

Apparently he also goes to a coffee shop just a block from my work every day at 7am (Which is crazy because it means he has to drive several miles past where he works to go there.) He told me I should join him for breakfast.... Too bad that will NEVER happen. I'm still totally conked out and in bed at 7am. (Though, I'm starting to think he might just go there to see Npapaya, since that's HER morning place. Hmmm. Suspicious.) I told him he should come to my house and bring me coffee tomorrow. He just laughed. Sadness!

He might come over for dinner on Thursday though. (Hmmm. Maybe I can get him to spend the night? Hopeful thoughts... ;-)

What a nice change of pace

I met Science Guy for brunch and then a matinee on Sunday.... and I had a really good time. Sure, he has his moments of immaturity and cluelessness (let's chalk this up to age, shall we? He's 27.) But overall he's just a genuinely nice guy. Note: he's not a faux nice-guy who is constantly going on about what a "Nice Guy" he is, and why he can't get the girls. When I observe him I just see him doing little things that add up to a lot.

Little things like:

*Holding the door open. (Not in an obnoxious-show-offy-way.)
*Helping old ladies up the stairs. (Again, not in a show-offy way. (And I think we can all agree that we know when someone does something for show as opposed to because it's who they really are.
*Noticing that the brand of sweetener we both use is down to the last packet, and offering it to me.
*Insisting on paying. (Note: I didn't let him pay for breakfast, though he wanted to, so he covered the movie.)
*Asking if I wanted anything from the concession stand.
*Asking if I wanted the air turned on in the car
*Asking which station I wanted to listen to
*Asking if I minded if he turned up the sound when a song he liked came on.

*Randomly giving me compliments that were just little throw-away remarks.
-I'll highlight this one because it's something he does often. This time it was about my writing, and he mentioned that he thinks I'm a fantastic writer. (Note: untrue, but appreciated!) But he makes small off-hand remarks that always lift my spirits, and again-- I don't think they're calculated, which make them seem much more genuine to me, much more believable. Other people... (ahem. who shall remain nameless)... have given me compliments, but they've always felt very pre-thought out, very calculated to elicit a certain reaction. I might be over thinking it, but all I know is that Science guy makes me feel really great about myself.

I'll add also that he was looking very handsome on Sunday, and he was very flirty. I do think that there can be something there if I want it, and I'm starting to think more and more that I do.

He's made no bones about the fact that he doesn't want to date around though-- that he wants to find "the one" and settle down. I find this a bit scary, though, ostensibly it's what I want as well. (...I think I'm just worried about making a mistake and picking the wrong "one"... which, you don't really know until it's too late.) Anyhoo, it was all very much couched in hypotheticals though it was clear we were talking about ourselves.

I think at this point I'm the one who needs to make a move if anything is going to happen, and that makes me nervous. I'm a liberated woman, yeah, but I don't like to be the one who is the aggressor.

Did I mention I live in the world's smallest town?

Muckraker & I just got matched on eharmony.

FFFFUUUUUUUCCCCCKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!

One has to laugh, or one will cry!

He also wrote back to me about the email I sent him about what he was doing in my office. I don't believe a word of it, and Npapaya has been good about helping me to draft a cool-collected-and professional response, I think, telling him how inappropriate what he did was.

Does he have aspergers? Was he dropped on his head as a child? I don't know-- I also don't know how someone can think that going through someone's private documents are ok.

Science Guy is looking like a prince in shining armor in comparison.

Something in the stars? Or just in the water?

As I mentioned, I'm getting all sorts of random calls this week.

Science guy is suddenly in touch again, as I mentioned. He wants to get together, which I felt rather ambivalent about. Again, I'm not sure what he's after since he's been all, "I want to be friends!" but is also, let's hang out at my place and rent dvds... (Which, hmmm... doesn't that usually lead to making out? Hmmm...)

I think I'll give him another shot though. His good qualities do outweigh his few douchey lapses, I think. He always does make me feel better about myself, he is very kind, and he is thoughtful (most of the time.) I don't think anything will go anywhere, but I wouldn't mind a little human contact these days, so-- well, why the hell not.

Muckraker on the other hand? I think he has gone of the deep end. Perhaps he always was off the deep end and I had too many stars in my eyes to notice (Um, and I can hear Npapaya saying, "DUH!")

After he called me several days ago (and might I add, he called me three times. On my work phone. After I made it clear I couldn't talk.) I called him back the next day. I figure y'all would be proud of me for not calling him back asap, but the truth is it wasn't calculated. I was tired and I forgot about it until it was too late to call. (I've been working crazy hours for the past 2 weeks and I'm exhausted!)

Unsurprisingly he wasn't calling to whisper sweet nothings, he was calling because he needed something. He is charming, and so I didn't notice it at first, but I do think he's quite a user. I mean, he was asking for advice and recommendations for housing in our area, and it's not a big deal-- not something I would fault a friend for asking-- but that's just it. He doesn't comport himself as a friend or anything else. He contacts when it's convenient, being excessively charming, raising expectations, and then disappearing. And I am SOOOOO over it. You would be proud how much I'm over it.

I was probably rather curt on the phone, but polite enough I think, and offered him my suggestions, and that was that. Or so I thought.

A couple days later I was working in the office I'd been relocated to for the 2 weeks we were doing this --well, conference, is probably the best word for it. I was in the "welcome" center where there was an office on one side and a lounge on the other. I was having lunch with Npapaya when suddenly I spot Muckraker coming out of my office.

Apparently he'd come looking for me. I introduced him to Npapaya (who kept rolling her eyes at him whenever his back was turned.) and we made a bit of small talk. Again, he had come looking for something-- he was looking to find out if someone was attending the conference.

I went to my office and checked the list, and I asked him more about this person. Turns out that he was looking for someone he'd never met before, someone a friend of a friend once knew. WEIRD. I told him he should probably just try and find her on facebook... (instead of stalking her at this conference... mmm hmmm... didn't say that part, but wouldn't anyone find that totally creepy???)

He asked if I would be in his class this summer (yes) and he said he was glad to hear it. And then he left.

Again, Npapaya rolled her eyes at him, and she asked me, "Do you think he was really looking for that woman? Or was he looking for an excuse to come and see you?"

The truth is, I don't know. If he was looking for that woman, that is rather creepy/weird. If he was looking for me, he has had ample opportunities to be in touch before this, and he has not indicated he's interested.

The worst part though? (And Npapaya can stop rolling her eyes!) is I do still find him very attractive. Like, I'm weak in the knees, attractive. (Yes, this is weird, because I'm probably the only one who does think this amongst my group of friends-- the rest of them are like-- "Hands down, Science guy is better looking." But it's less about actual looks I think, and whatever paticular alchemy makes one person attractive to another. There is no reasoning with that, I think.)


But! But! But! Our story does not end there!

This morning I was working on finishing up the last details for the conference--processing payroll, getting payments, and dealing with a bunch of incidents that involved security being called last night. There were about 10-15 people in the tiny space of this office all morning, and it was pretty bustling. That's why I didn't notice Muckraker come in until one of my co-workers (or, co-irkers in this particular case) says to me, "Who was that guy?"

That guy? That I spotted leaving the office? Was Muckraker. Apparently he'd come to my desk and been rifling through papers stacked on it. And then he left. All without saying a word.

I am LIVID. This is so beyond the realm of acceptable behaviour I don't even know where to start.

Perhaps he was innocently (but STUPIDLY) looking for info on this old friend of a friend he was trying to get in touch with. Or, given that in his trade he's a reporter, perhaps he was looking for actual confidential information.

I don't think any confidential info was in the stack on the desk he was apparently looking at, but over the course of this weekend I was working with the private information of both a senator and of a high-profile actress. I'm about 99% certain that while he may have seen lists with their names on it, the confidential info was in my database. But I am SO ANGRY that he put me into that position of potentially being compromised and risking my job.

I don't know what his deal is, but I am completely DONE with him. SO, SO, DONE.

I wrote him an email this evening that basically said, "What the FUCK were you doing this morning!?"

He has yet to respond, but given that it's him, I don't really expect him to. That is, until he needs something else....

UGH.

Science Guy Story

(Thanks to ARF for the reminder... )

Yes, Science Guy is yet living! In spite of having no contact with him for about 4 weeks, he suddenly IMs me on facebook.

(I think this may have to do with the fact that I changed my profile pic to one with me & a rather handsome man nuzzling my neck-- (don't get too excited-- one of my totally gay BFFs) and I changed my status to thank a kind anonymous handsome stranger for some much needed help..)

So, Science Guy's IM pops up and his question is, "Who is the handsome stranger?"

I respond with, "I'm surprised to hear from you."

Him: Why is that?
Me: Because you dropped off the face of the earth... (left unwritten, but I thought it... After your super douchey behaviour!)
Him: I've been busy, family has been in town.
Me: ok
Him: So who is the handsome stranger?
Me: Oh, just someone who helped me with some car trouble.
Him: Did you get his number?
Me: No.... I was not really dressed for impressing. I'd been gardening and I was covered in mud and wearing sweats.
Him: I bet you still floored him.


As I read this, I'm just like-- WTF!? As you may recall, Science Guy is the one who wanted to be "just friends" but he keeps pulling out these random throw-away compliments. (Which, frankly, is part of the reason I keep talking to him... because he is very good for my self esteem.) But really? REALLY?

I mean, what am I supposed to do with that? (Npapaya & I were watching "He's just not that into you" yesterday (terrible movie, btw!) but the one funny part was the line with the little interlude by Frangela on how guys dump you but make it seem like you're idea... saying things like, "Girl, I am gonna be so jealous of the man who gets to be with you." And their response was.. "Wait.. Hold on. Up until 5 seconds ago, that man was YOU!" That's kind of what my response is with all these little offhand compliments from Science Guy.)

And then... to finish off the conversation, he asks me to dinner with his parents. After I haven't heard from him in 4 weeks. After he was totally douchetastic. WTF?

(No, I did not got to dinner.)

As a side note, he also emailed to say that he wanted to set Npapaya up with his coworker. But then he refused to send her a picture or any info or give me a name so that we could look him up.

Again, WTF?

What not to do!

What Not to Do on an Online Profile

Many thanks to arf to this one!

And yes, I do think all those things apply to mens' profiles as well!

Also... interesting story to share about Science Guy... But that will have to wait until tomorrow or Wednesday, I think... :-P No time tonight to give it the dissection it deserves!

It's personal, myself & I got some straightening out to do

Sometimes I post prolifically. Sometimes I'm just not in the mood.

The past few weeks have been a "just not in the mood" kind of instance due to a combination of factors... School/New Job/(OLD job!)/lack of dating life/sorting through personal issues.

The sorting through personal issues stems from the class I'm taking at the moment, some of which has to do with eating disorders, and it brought up a whole spate of issues in my own life-- things that I have never really been able to resolve, though I try valiantly (at least, I think so....)

I was recently contacted by someone on okcupid who seemed nice enough, if a bit far away (2 hours.) We started corresponding, but then I forgot to write back to him.

Ooops.

Npapaya asked me how things were going with this guy, and I realized that I'd forgotten to get back to him. (I promptly wrote & apologized.) Npapaya asked me, "Are you really sure you want to be dating?"

She intended it in jest (I think. Maybe.) ... but, thinking about it? I don't know that I do right now.

I'm rather exhausted by the entire thing-- the weeding out the creeps-getting to know you-first date- kinda thing. And I despair at ever finding anyone, and I think to myself, "Why am I wasting so much time on this when I have so many other things going on in my life?"

Is my head in the right place for dating right now? Probably not, especially since I don't feel very good about myself, and that's certainly not an attractive quality in a potential partner. (I try to hide it, but I know it seeps out around the corners...)

So I mentioned to Npapaya that I might give up dating for awhile. Say, 6 months or so.

She raised her eyebrow in that way she does when she thinks I've just said something crazy and she replied, "And what would that look like exactly? How would that be different from what you're doing now?"

Touche.

Basically all it would involve is not being online/responding to emails.... since really, the last guy I went out on a "first" date with? Was Science guy. And that was back in October. (Yes, there were some dates (and many non-dates) since then.... but really. Think about that. Haven't met a SINGLE NEW DATING PROSPECT IN PERSON SINCE OCTOBER.))

Tragic.

Some of this has to do where we live (ie Nowheresville.) and some of it has to do with my pickiness (ie- must be over 5'8 and be employed in a job that requires a modicum of intelligence.) and some of it has to do with.... well, let's be honest. Me.

Cause the common denominator in all my failed (or non-starter) relationships is ME. Right?

And I'm sorta ok with that, because I know I can be difficult. I recognize that I push people away because I find myself pretty unlovable most of the time. And so those non-starter relationships? That's totally my fault.... I dump people before they have a chance to dump me.

Thinking back on it actually I realize that I rarely am the one that is dumped. (In fact, I can only think of one time-- The IT guy who told me he "Just wasn't that into me" after walking me to my door for a non-kiss.)... I usually am the one high-tailing it out of there before anyone has a chance to get rid of me.

And yes, I'm in therapy and working on my issues.... as Fergie would say, Myself & I got some straightening out to do....

So... do I give up on love in the meantime? I don't know. Would giving up on looking for love look much different from what I'm doing right now? Probably not.

What a girl wants... (Or, well, at least THIS particular girl.)

I've been MIA for the past week or so for a few reasons-- Partly because there's really nothing going on on the dating front (other than a few lovely IMs from guys asking how big my boobs are. Hawt!)

I haven't heard from Science Guy since that exchange detailed below, and it's probably just as well. He was nice enough, if fairly immature, and I am not content to sit around and wait for him to grow up. (As for Muckraker? Over him, really, I am.)

arf asked if I had detailed what it is I want, either in this blog or elsewhere. My diary (when I used to keep one!) is probably elsewhere, but not very useful for these circumstances.

First of all, I'm looking for someone who finds all my super annoying traits terribly endearing. I know! You'd think this would be simple, but apparently, it's not!

I'm looking for someone who would be a really good friend.... Because, really, if you don't LIKE the person you're dating, what's the point? (Though, heaven knows I know a great number of people who don't seem to get this!)

I won't bore you with the litany of things that are (or should be) universally looked for in a mate: Kindness, thoughtfulness, empathy, generosity of spirit, loyalty, smart, funny, attractive (to me), passionate about life/work/hobbies... and then of course there has to be chemistry-- a certain je ne sais quoi.

OH. Yeah. One more thing. This person has to find ME attractive and feel all those similar things towards me! (Yeesh! I've got the unrequited love thing down. Don't need to go down that road again.)

So, that's a simple list. You'd think that I'd have no problem finding someone to match that criteria-- there are probably a million people who would match that criteria (yes, but do they live in Podunk, USA? Probably not.) There's also that little caveat of "attractive to me."

Now, I think most of my friends would acknowledge that I am actually quite generous in what constitutes "attractive to me"-- quite a range... but as general guidelines -

1) Taller than I am. (I'm 5'8 and for some reason men who are 5'6 and smaller seem to loooovvvvee me.) This probably makes me quite shallow, but I have a hard time picturing myself "matching" with someone terribly short.)
2) Good teeth. (Or, at least-- HAS teeth.)
3) No 'weak' chin.

Annnnndddd..... that's pretty much it.

As for what an ideal relationship would look like? Well, I have a pretty good model for that. The problem is that my model is a sexless model, so it's not ideal... But then again, what is? I lived with my friend-- we'll call him Polyglot, for awhile when I was in college. Now, he is as gay as a lark, but he is also the only person I've ever lived with that I've not gotten sick of or wanted to strangle. There was always a comfortable comraderie there, but he always pushed me to be a bit better than I was, to try new things, and he also wouldn't let me get away with crap. We would cook dinner together, and make bread, and explore the city we were living in, and talk openly and honestly about absolutely everything. And I looked forward to seeing him everyday. Yeah, we had fights, and he got on my nerves at times, but we fought fair, and we always made up, and we were always better friends for it. So-- My ideal relationship? Looks an awful lot like that. (Except with sex. Lots of sex. :-)

I don't know if that anwers your question, and I don't know how helpful it is either given that it's what just about everyone is looking for in a relationship.

Another one bites the dust.

Science Guy & I had tentative plans to meet up on Saturday night... So, yanno... I shaved my legs, got my place tidied up... etc. etc.

I give him a call. He says "My friends and I are going out for drinks, you're welcome to join us, and after that we're going to [local nightclub]."

I reply, "Thanks, but [local nightclub] isn't really my scene."

He says, "The guys and I are really excited about it because they're filming Girls Gone Wild there this weekend! If you pay $15 you get to be the guy who pours water on the girls for the wet t-shirt contest! Whoo- hoo! We're all psyched."

Dead silence on my end.

Then. "Are you serious? That's totally degrading."

He laughs, "Yeah, it's really sleezy, but it's fun."

Me- "What on earth would your mother think? And if I meet her in a few weeks, should I mention it?"

Him- "What's your problem? It's all in good fun. Why don't you get off your high horse? When did you get to be such a killjoy?"

Me- "Have we met? how is this different from any other views I've ever expressed? Go. Have fun." Click.

Aaaaannnnndddd.... That was the end of our conversation.


Ugh.

Good choices...

There were numerous parties this weekend. As I said in one of my previous posts, I learned Muckraker was back in town, though the schmuck didn't bother to let me know himself.

And so on Friday, as I was getting ready for one of the parties I realized that I was feeling... anticipation. And I was getting dressed up as if I was going out on a date. Because I was thinking about Muckraker, and how he would see me. And I was thinking about witty things I might say to him when I see him.

And I knew how crazy and how unhealthy this was. So, what did I do?

I took a washcloth and wiped off my make-up. I took the pins out of my hair. I took off my stockings, and I put on my bathrobe. And I stayed home and watched Supernanny.

Lame-o evening? Yes, assuredly. On the other hand I knew for certain that if I went to the party and saw him it would end one of two ways...

1) He'd be flirty and charming, and then I would spend the next two weeks annoying Npapaya and Supergirl by dissecting our conversation and wondering why the schmuck hasn't been in touch.

or

2) He'd be cool and distant and I would spend the next two weeks in the depths of despair and annoying Npapaya and Supergirl with my feelings of inadequacy.

To save their sanity, and my own, I think NOT going to the party was the best choice. Even if it did make me super lame on a Friday night.

******************

I found myself missing Science Guy this weekend. He's away on a trip, and at a (rather dull) party on Saturday night I found myself thinking of him, and I ended up texting him. I've been thinking about him more and more, and I think I may make a move on him the next time we're together.

Crossing boundries

I was talking to Npapaya today about my annoyance with Science Guy, and I mentioned I hadn't emailed him back since he emailed me about 4 days ago. She said, "I told you to let him cool his heels, not kick him down a black hole!" (ha!)

So, I saw he was online this evening so I im'd him. It was a good conversation... but, as I said before-- we seem to fall into this ambiguously 'coupley' nether-realm... where he compliments me (always appreciated), and we have conversations about stuff and kindly bicker as though we've been a couple for years. It's comfortable and annoying all at the same time. An example- This evening we were talking about cars. I need a new car, and so he started doing research for me online, found me a car I liked, made plans to go test driving together... etc. All nice things, right? And yet, there seem to be all these weird unspoken assumptions there. (Npapaya thinks I just need to make a move on him and he'll give up this whole "just friends" thing. I don't know....)

And then, another weird boundry was crossed-- I was supposed to go meet that guy for coffee tomorrow (see below for my excessive shallowness,) but wasn't really feeling it. Science Guy and I talked about it (in addition to his date this week that was a dud,) and he-- like Npapaya, thought I just needed to cancel it. I thought it was too mean to do that, but Science Guy actually crafted me a (rather nice!) email to reject the other guy, and so I sent that off.

And yes, if I think about that too long it gives me a headache because of the excessive weirdness.

Small Town

I've mentioned before that I live in a small town. So small that it's not surprising to be constantly running into people I know. This morning though, things got a little excessive as I stepped off the bus and proceeded to run into one, two, three, and then four people that I knew-- all in quick succession. We stopped, we talked, (A good friend told me I had lipstick on my teeth. (It was a rough morning.))... and then all of a sudden....out of the corner of my eye...

I see Muckraker.

Muckraker, who should be in California, Muckraker.

He's walking maybe 20 feet away, and it's pretty unlikely that he didn't see me as he was walking in my direction, parallel to me. Yet, unlike the other four people I ran into he didn't cross the lawn to say hi, or even wave, or otherwise acknowledge my presence.

I was talking to Supergirl (traitorous Supergirl who tipped off the local media about something Muckraker has done, and now there's going to be an article about him written, only to torture me further) at the time and she asked if we should go over and say hi.

You'd be proud of my restraint. NO. If he couldn't even mention the fact that he's back in town, then I'm certainly not going to go chasing after him. Whatever. Schmuck! (In addition, he 'owes' me a bit of communication about something we went back and forth about, but I'm not going to remind him of it.... But I haven't forgotten! And he was the one who initiated that particular exchange....)

I know, this is all more than a little silly given that there's never been anything more than brief flirtation, but he's so fucking annoying, and he just gets under my skin.

*********************************************
In other news, Npapaya feels I should let Science Guy cool his heels for awhile, so I haven't responded to his last email. (There wasn't any real need to.) Just feel annoyed by him at the moment.

In other other news-
Have I mentioned I have a coffee date coming up? This is with a (different!) guy that I pseudo-stalked from eharmony. (pseudo-stalked because I don't subscribe to eharmony, but I found him in my company database, and contacted him that way. Apparently, I've started doing quite a bit of this... hmmmm....) So. We'll see. Hopefully he's less of a schmuck than Science Guy & Muckraker, both of whom are currently Schmuckety McSchmuckertons.

a non-booty call?

Science guy called me at 1am, drunk, and asked me if I wanted to come over... and sleep over.

(Uh. No. Thanks for that awesome offer though.)

He then proceeded to talk to me for an hour about how attractive he found me, how much he likes my boobs, and how he wants me to meet his parents.

Interspersed with all of this were protestations about how he just wants to be friends, how he's not looking for anything else, because he doesn't want to complicate things.

Toward the end I started getting really annoyed with him and just said-- "I don't really care. Do whatever you want. It doesn't make any difference to me." And really? It doesn't. But I told him I was sick of his wishy-washiness.

We'll see if any of this sinks in once he's sober.

Ugh.