I choose my choice! I choose myself.

Last night I went out with a bunch of friends and Muckraker was there. It was suddenly as if a light had gone on (or off?) and as I was looking at him I realized I couldn't remember why I had ever found him attractive. (No, I won't go back into the blog archives to remind myself...!)

There was just-- nothing there. Phew! And more than that, bemusement as to "what on earth was I thinking was there in the first place?"

I think much of this came out of a realization I had over vacation. For the past 8-9 months or so I've been obsessing over muckraker and Science guy... as though I have to somehow choose between them (nevermind whether or not they actively want me/wanted me at various points in time.) As though these were somehow my only two choices EVER. Because if they didn't want me, who would?

And... Duh. This is a false dichotomy. Not only because there are more than those two guys in this world.... but because there's actually a third choice. And that third choice is myself.

And at this point in time? That third choice is a much better option than either of those two.

I'm not stopping my search, but it's good to realize I always have choices. And choosing myself is NOT a consolation prize... it's the GRAND prize. (This is not to say that finding someone awesome wouldn't ALSO be a GRAND prize... but that's the thing-- this isn't a zero-sum game. Both choices are/would be good ones. But it's so easy to get caught up in the dynamic of-- Oh, I HAVE to choose this person, or I'll LOSE by being alone FOREVER. And that's simply wrong.)