Playing Catch Up

A quick run-down of my week by Muckraker interactions:

Monday: Ignored!

Tuesday: No class, no contact (But lunch with a friend who said "Either let go, or force the issue, but do one or the other.")

Wednesday: A little flirty, but still nothing much to indicate interest

Thursday: Muckraker randomly... deliberately... sits several rows away in class. (He usually sits next to me.) I call him on it, and he comes to the back and is all flirty and shit. After class, as I'm leaving towards the back of the classroom he calls after me. He asks where I'm off to, and I say I'm probably going to grab a bite. One of us, I don't remember who, (but I'm pretty sure it was him) suggests grabbing lunch in town.

On our walk to town he asks me about my plans for the weekend. I mention I might go see a movie and ask if he'd like to join me and some friends. He says that he probably can't because he has to be away this weekend. He gets all cagey when I ask what he's doing-- he says he can't talk about it, which pisses me off.

He asks where we should have lunch, and I suggest a quick sandwich shop, where we could grab and go. He asks if I have time for a sit-down meal, and suggests chinese food.

The conversation is more stilted than our previous encounters-- due in a large part to the fact that I'm rather pissed off at him. But a couple of things stand out-- 1) his lamentable table manners, and 2)When I offer to share my food with him (he accepts...) he doesn't offer back. No, those aren't *big* things, but they annoyed me, more so than they would have if he hadn't just spent about a week ignoring me, I might say.

So. Pretty uneventful for a lunch actually. What did we talk about? Nothing of significance or that would give me hope that he's into me. Oh, yeah... We each paid for ourselves-- which would seem to indicate "He's just not that into me" also.

(I know all of you playing along at home are like-- does this girl just need to get hit by a clue-by-four, or what???)

Friday: A friend asks me to dinner and Muckraker happens to be there along with 8 other people. It's a nice, fun dinner-- though Muckraker is at the opposite end of the table, and he and I don't really talk.

At my end of the table though people are talking about their plans for the weekend... In listening to their conversation I figure out (without any difficulty) what Muckraker's "mysterious" plans for the weekend are-- the ones that he refuses to tell me. The dude is working on a group project. Seriously... Why the fucking secrecy? I don't get it. I don't get his deal, whatever the fuck that is.

We go out for drinks after dinner, and I end up sitting next to him. I can't say the conversation is particularly sparkling, but I can say that a sparkle is gone from his eye in the way that he looked at me a month ago.

You know that certain-- je ne sais quoi-- that people give off when they're into you? You can't define it, but it's almost like a vibration? He doesn't give that off anymore.

He left early, but before he left asked if I was going to another party later that night and said he would be there, and that I should stop by. (I contemplated it for half a millisecond before concluding that I would only end up more frustrated and depressed if I went. I went home instead.)

Lena, a girl in our program turned to me after he left and said, "I feel a certain vibe between you and muckraker, what's going on?" I gave her a bit of the background. Her response, "If you like him, go after him! He's a prize! He really is! Yeah, his thing is to be all weirdly mysterious, but don't let that stop you. Chase him!"

My response? I have too much pride to want to be with someone who obviously doesn't want me. If he likes me, he can get his act together

* * * * * * * *

So that's that. Given all the NOTHING going on, I'm sure you're wondering why I'm even blogging about muckraker anymore. Believe me, so am I.

In the meantime, things are--- interesting--- With science guy. Unlike with Muckraker, he is (SHOCKING!) attentive! I do so admire that trait in a man!

I invited science guy to the same movie I invited muckraker to. HAHA! Yes, both of them, same movie, same place. Why not, right? I'm "Just friends" with both of them. A few other of my friends will (Hopefully!) be there-- or it could just be me and Science guy, I don't know. I don't anticipate that muckraker will show up, though he does know the time and the place.

Science guy also called me tonight, just to see how my week was, and to see if I wanted to have lunch tomorrow. I couldn't... but I appreciated the thought!

********************


Don't know where all of this is going... probably nowhere with both of them... I'll leave it up to the universe.

Just "friends," Right?

Science guy gave me a call tonight. Just to see how I was doing, and to see if I was feeling better than yesterday. We made small talk. It was nice.

I don't know if he's simply calling because he still doesn't really know anyone around here, but it was nice of him to do so. We've agreed to be just friends (Not that we were ever anything else mind you, but the potential to be something else was there since we did meet on a dating site.)

His attentiveness is a pretty sharp contrast to the lack of attention muckraker has shown me. It's a good contrast in a way because it teaches me that I should be able to expect that, right? That I have a right to expect someone who claims to like me, who claims to be my friend, to call and ask how my day was... to send a funny email because they were thinking of me... to go for a walk to the post office for no other reason than to keep me company.

Those are the things I expect of my friend friends, right? So why would I be willing to settle for less from someone with whom I would want to be more than just friends?

I'm not, and I won't.

So thanks, Science guy, for reminding me of that.

Yes, Yes, I know he's just not that into me...

Muckraker again proved just how NOT into me he is by virtually ignoring me in class today.

Let's see... Npapaya, Ro, Jan, Nell, Di, Kay, Megs (and probably many of you out there) have a uniform response. "We don't like him." "He's just not that into you!" "Don't waste your time!"

And as Ro said... "If you value our opinions at all, you'll move on."


I do. And I am.

But....

No, really, I am.

But....

I swear, I totally am.

But....



But, like I told Nell... I'd feel really bad if there was something going on in his life-- like his mom is sick or something-- that is distracting him. So, ---mmmmaaaayyybbbeee--- I could give him one last shot, before I'm like "DONE!" ????

(Ok, yes, I can hear the collective heads hitting the desks. Yes, even I know this excuse is TOTALLY feeble.)

Ro says to me, "I've known guys like him-- they get off on the attention, and the moment you stop giving it to him he'll be all back into you again." (Which is more than likely true, I know. And if he were to demonstrate a massive amount of interest again? I can't say I wouldn't fall for it again. I could lie and say I'm stronger than that... But it would be a lie and y'all would see right through me.)

I think a big part of it that makes me want to hold out and hope has to do with the books he wrote. Really, they were beautiful and sensitive! And I have trouble picturing someone able to write those things being a complete dolt! I know it's entirely possible, but somehow that's the reason I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt.

*sigh*

That, and the fact that there are no good prospects around here!

*Sigh*

Yes, I know it seems like I date a lot, but the amount of effort it takes for me to date that much is excruciating! And exhausting! And the prospects are so dismal!

Which is a big part of the reason I'm so reluctant to let go of this one, I know. There are so many things right about him.

Oh, yea... except for that one little thing wrong with him.... that he's demonstrated that he's just not that into me.

THUNK! kjsf92035r830 5uiodfjn dls
{Yes, that was the sound of my head hitting the keyboard.}

You've been warned

Really, Really, Really NSFW.

But Really, Really Funny....

(Also? Best Quote "Sad, unrequited love... which is my favorite kind of love.")

A boost, just when I needed one.

I was surprised when Science Guy IM'd me tonight. Yeah, he said he wanted to stay friends and hang out, but so did Atlas, and he hasn't been calling me to say, "Let's get sushi sometime soon." (Heh. Ok, that was kind of mean.)

It was 1am and I wasn't really feeling up to talking, but to be polite (and since I was still puttering around online) I started chatting back and forth. We talked about the weekend, and I happened to mention that I was disappointed by some friends not coming to an outing I had planned--and particularly frustrated with one friend in particular (muckraker) who bailed very early and had been weirdly hot-and-cold the week before.

Science guy asked me if I had a thing for this guy (meaning muckraker). I said that I might have had except I didn't feel fond of him now, and that I wanted someone who could act like a grown-ass man and be consistent in the way he acts with me.

Science guy responded by saying, "I bet he's intimidated by you."

My response was, "No way. He's a very accomplished guy."

Science guy (basically) said, "So are you, and you're intimidating.I think he's nervous around you."

I said, "Me? I'm not intimidating! And this guy is not a nervous kind of guy."

Science guy said, "ok, but when I first met you came off as this well read woman interested in art, culture, books, music, etc. You came across as one of those New York women I would never think of approaching. I felt like you were out of my league."

I replied, "That's funny! I thought you were out of my league!"

Science guy responded, "Don't put me or this guy on a pedestal. You are very accomplished."

* * *

So. Huh. Right? Well, that certainly makes me feel better. While I don't agree with his assessment of Muckraker (other than the fact that I shouldn't put him on a pedestal-- no worries about that, he's been firmly knocked off. Yeah, his books are amazing, but he's been acting like a schmuck in real life, and that's what counts.) It certainly amazes me to think that science guy felt like I was out of his league.

I just don't even know what to make of that my mind is boggling so much. Huh.

{Smile}

Nothing better for a compliment from an impartial source when you're down in the dumps.*

*(Yes, Npapaya and others were also very kind to me, but I know they're inordinately fond of me anyways and so they'll always say kind things to me. It's appreciated, but I can't help but think they don't see me clearly. My issues... I know, I know...)

To continue yesterday's theme...

And, rising, from her bosom drew
Old letters, breathing of her worth,
For "Love", they said, "must needs be true,
To what is loveliest upon earth."
An image seem'd to pass the door,
To look at her with slight, and say,
"But now thy beauty flows away,
So be alone for evermore."
"O cruel heart," she changed her tone,
"And cruel love, whose end is scorn,
Is this the end to be left alone,
To live forgotten, and die forlorn?"

-Tennyson

Feeling Low

I'm quite depressed tonight. I suppose this is to be expected after having been so hopeful in the past month or so. This isn't an unusual pattern but though it's not unexpected I can't seem to help myself.

I know whether or not Muckraker likes me, or runs hot and cold, or whatever isn't really about me. I know this-- intellectually at least. But the way I feel about it? I feel like shit.

Yes, I know I have a multitude of issues, many of which are outlined and deconstructed in this very blog, that may have a fair bit to do with my single status... But deep down? Deep down I think there's really only one reason.

I'm not pretty enough.

I've never been pretty enough. I'll never be pretty enough.
(I may as well dig a hole and go die right now, right? ha.)

Or, as Shakespeare would put it, "I am as ugly as a bear; For beasts that meet me run away for fear: Therefore no marvel though Demetrius Do, as a monster fly my presence thus."

Oh, I know, I know. My personality, and pickiness, and many other things have as much to do with single status as my looks do-- but that's not the way it feels. At least not tonight. (And science guy's comments didn't help much.)

After all, doesn't everyone know some crazy hot bitch who somehow manages to land guys left and right in spite of her personality deficiencies? Looks matter. A LOT. And good looks matter a lot, especially if you haven't any.

Do I believe men are visual creatures? Yes, I do. And so part of me-- A BIG part of me believes that if only I were thinner... blonder... had perkier breasts... had higher cheekbones... had better lips... had more toned arms... had nice legs... a smaller waist... (well, I can go on infinitely...) Then maybe muckraker wouldn't have been so hot and cold. Maybe I could have kept his attention (or any guy's attention.) Maybe I would be worth something to someone. What is it that I'm worth? Whatever it may be is definitely based on my looks.

I offhandedly mentioned something last night in casual conversation-- Something I didn't realize was as fucked up as it is until today. We were talking about eyeglasses, and I mentioned that I had had LASIK surgery a few years back. I also laughed and mentioned that people would not know I had once worn glasses in looking at childhood pictures of me since my mother never allowed any such pictures to be taken or displayed because she found me so ugly in glasses.

People looked at me as though I had two heads when I said that. To me, it was something perfectly normal. It is something perfectly normal.

Imperfections are not allowed. Ugly things are not loved or accepted. Fictions must be created to maintain illusions. Thisis what is abnormally normal to me.

I am far from perfect. I am far from pretty. Can I therefore blame anyone for not finding me attractive enough to stick around? I can't blame them, because I wouldn't stick around for myself either.

I know I'm having a pity party in much the way I always do when I feel rejected, and that I should be grateful that I'm not actually disfigured. And I am. I truly, truly am. But at the same time I'm envious of the good looks that made my sister and my mother's lives so much easier than my own. How much more could I have done-- could be doing-- with my life if I didn't feel so encumbered by my ugliness?

And I realize these are my own hang ups. I realize that while I'm no great beauty, neither am I someone who would be pointed at and laughed at because I'm so homely. I am, however, invisible. Invisible and passed over and ultimately cast aside for someone better. At least, that's the way I feel.

I wish I could reason away feelings, tell myself I have many other good qualities (And would I really have wanted to end up as vacuous as my sister in exchange for her looks? NO. No, I would not.) But 10 good qualities don't make up for not having a pretty face. And 100 good qualities don't make up for not having a hot body. And there aren't enough good qualities to be had that would make me feel better about not being wanted.

* * *
BEFORE THE WORLD WAS MADE
Yeats


If I make the lashes dark
And the eyes more bright
And the lips more scarlet,
Or ask if all be right
From mirror after mirror,
No vanity's displayed:
I'm looking for the face I had
Before the world was made.

What if I look upon a man
As though on my beloved,
And my blood be cold the while
And my heart unmoved?
Why should he think me cruel
Or that he is betrayed?
I'd have him love the thing that was
Before the world was made.