Weddings are boring

No, really, they pretty much are. I've been to two weddings in my life that were AWESOME and AMAZING... and the rest were kind of just meh.

I get it, I totally do. I mean, most weddings follow the same script and unless you're intimately involved with the bride or groom... as a random acquaintance/cousin/date... it just all blends together.  That's not to say that a lot of thought didn't go into the wedding-- I'm sure it did-- but really, for the most part, every wedding is about 90% the same. Entrance... sermon... song... reading...vow...rings...exit...reception/dinner/dancing (obligatory chicken dance).... and, the end.  All the "My colors are Blush and Bashful," talk, all the debates over menus and centerpieces... well, it all blends together.

That's not to fault the simpler weddings--hell, with a $5,000 budget I think my own falls under that label-- but none of it is too interesting, even though it's usually the bride's obsession.

Hell, I'm sick of talking about/thinking about my OWN wedding-- and I'm in it!  I would say that talking with y'all here on the interwebs is the most kvetching about wedding stuff that I've done, other than my discussions with Jedi/his mom/my mom. (And most of my conversations with my mom end with, "I don't care! Do whatever you want for the flowers!")

I've been on the receiving end of obnoxious brides who have their bride books with all the colors laid out and all the table settings and they make you look at all the potential pictures of cake until your eyes glaze over.  I always swore I wouldn't be one of those people because A) it's super annoying and everyone hates you... B) there are more interesting things about me than my wedding... and C) talking about it stresses me out because it just reminds me of how much more there is to dddddoooooooo!  So, as a result, I've made a pretty concerted effort not to bring up the wedding unless someone else brings it up first.

Yesterday I was at Jedi's mother's office, where I frequently am (Did I mention that Jedi, his mother, and I all work for the same organization, though in different buildings) and we were discussing invitations.  Mostly we were discussing the fact that we're really going to have to trim the guest list because with the current proposal from the caterer we're feeding people cheese and crackers and that's not ok. (IMHO) If I'm inviting people I'd rather show 50 people an awesome time and serve them a dinner they'll remember for being delicious than invite 100 people  to a dinner where they'll get rubber chicken.

Anyhoo, as we were discussing this at the conference/lunch table other people sat down and started asking questions about the wedding/telling their own stories about their weddings.  Before I knew it the lunch hour had passed and that had pretty much been the topic of conversation-- though it seemed (to me) that everyone around the table had willingly participated in the conversation. I didn't try to keep the conversation only on my wedding and stop it from meandering to other topics as conversations have a tendency to do.

At the end of the lunch though one woman stood up and said, "All you ever talk about is your wedding."  I was pretty taken aback, esp. given that I usually try to NOT talk about the wedding. I said, "That isn't true!" She kept insisting, "Yes it is. That's all you talk about."

Now, this is a woman I see a few times a week, either in passing or when I visit Jedi's mother. Admittedly, when I visit Jedi's mother in the office it usually DOES have something to do with the wedding, but I can count about 2x in the last 2 weeks that I spoke about the wedding in this woman's presence and at least 5 other times when we had conversations about work related issues.

I was really, really, really hurt. Irrationally so, perhaps, but I just felt like it was a misrepresentation of reality. Part of the other reason I've been quiet about the wedding is also because I've had a couple of friends who are single flat-out say to me that it's too hard for them to hear anything about it (because they'd like to be married. (This isn't my, "Oh, the whole world must be jealous of me!" imaginings, they flat out said they were happy for me, but that it was too difficult for them.)), so I've gotten in the habit of not saying anything, unless, of course, I've been asked.

The woman sent me an email later to apologize, which I appreciated... I still can't help being upset though, and feeling weird for being upset... and then, there's another part of me that's kind of resentful. I feel like I've really tried my best to be respectful of how others feel... But goddamnit, it feels like no one is happy for me, and that I have to find reasons Jedi ISN'T amazing and wonderful so that I can prove that I'm not *quite* that happy, lest I offend someone with my happiness.

Edited to add: Even though I KNOW I've done more wedding talking on this blog than any other place (other than with parents) the "Wedding" labeled posts only #22... which is very far from being the most common topic on this blog. I feel slightly vindicated.

What's up, pussycat?

 I've been MIA for awhile not for any reason in particular other than time is getting away from me. I have 3 emails from my aunts I need to answer, emails from the caterer that I'm avoiding, needing to get addresses for invitations, blah blah blah... wedding crap even I don't care about.  Plus the most stressful time of the year for my new job because I'm putting on 10 events in 10 days this February and so everything I'm doing basically revolves around that.

Not much else to report. The job situation looks to be going permanent, which is AWESOME, but the entire office structure and the structure of the office that oversees this office is changing, so who knows what my job will actually look like in a year as my boss is leaving, her boss' position is eliminated, and her boss' boss is leaving... which means...??? No one knows exactly. Whee! Isn't the recession fun, kids?! Let's all play musical jobs and hope that each job is less miserable than the last.

Jedi continues to be a huge source of joy and comfort in my life and I'm grateful everyday to have him.

(Also, new post up over at my other blog. I've been thinking that maybe I should integrate the two, but at the same time they do serve different purposes. Not sure people want to slog through the weight issues posts here and vice versa.)

Bad Blogger

I know I've been terrible at posting. I've not fallen off the face of the earth... however I did work until midnight last night... and the rest of my week looks to be about the same! Hopefully it will be a bit calmer next week.

I know, I know! However will you muddle along without me!?

New year, old resolutions

I just looked back at some posts from last year to see if I had made any resolutions (knowing full well that I had probably accomplished 0% of them) only to find that... huh. Nope. Apparently made no resolutions last year.

Also, in reading back over some posts from last January I can see how some people would come to the conclusion that I'm the worlds most heinous bitch. I probably need to spend less time griping and more time focusing on the good stuff in my life, huh?  That's probably a good resolution; find something to be grateful for every day. Ok, I can live with that.

There are a lot of things I'm grateful for today... a job I enjoy... Jedi... Jedi having the day off and deciding he wanted to spend the day cleaning the house while I'm at work...a good friend starting a new relationship with a guy...scary/exciting growth challenges at work (I'm co-running a weekend workshop)...

Ooo! Also, totally superficial, but I am MAJORLY excited and grateful that Jedi and I found gold charger plates for the wedding at wal-mart! (You would also be shocked at how many times I asked for Gold Charger Plates and I was directed to the electronics department. Sheesh!) Guess how much we paid for them?! $1.25 for a set of FOUR! They were on super-dee-duperty Christmas clearance and we got majorly lucky and found 108 plates. Not bad for $33.75, huh?

I am also grateful that when we went to the midwest to visit my mother over Christmas everyone got along and it went smoothly. I don't know-- maybe I'm mellowing in my old age, or maybe my mother is, but we seem to be ok these days.

I am now going to steal Perpetua's New Year Questionnaire: 
(And I swear, any answers of mine that bear a marked resemblance to hers are purely coincidental. But, I think that's why I like her blog so much-- she says, more eloquently than I do--what I'm thinking, much of the time.)

1.  What did you do in 2010 that you’ve often done, more times than you’d like to admit?
In addition the the reality TV watching (um, see perpetua's answer. Ditto.) I've probably taken WAY too many naps. I love a good nap. Nothing makes me happier than napping. There's something so decadent about it, and/but it's free! (Also, while it might be partially laziness, I do seem to have some sort of weird vitamin deficiency that the doctor keeps trying to figure out. No joke-- I take 83,333% more than the daily recommended value (that's not a typo) of B-12 and Vitamin D, and I'm still off-the-charts low in it.  They think that's why I'm so tired all the time.  All I know is that I could really use another nap.)



2. Why didn’t you keep your new year’s resolutions?
Well, I didn't make any resolutions last year, probably because I knew I wouldn't keep them. So, I guess you could say that I *did* in fact keep my resolutions?

3. Did anyone close to you give birth to something other than a baby?
Well, a lot of my friends finished their dissertations. I have a couple of friends who are pretty close to getting a film deal (last I heard.) And I have a friend who put on an art exhibit.

Yes. I am in fact terribly jealous of all of them.


4. Did anyone close to you kill someone?
Um, no. And we'll say, "THANK GOD" for that one since Jedi got into a car accident over Christmas break. He's ok, but he broke someone's leg... he was pretty upset and shaken up over it, but it could have been a lot worse.

5. What states of disgrace did you visit?
(I'll just steal Perpetua's answers for this one.)
Overeating (OE), Helpless Rage (HR), Bitter Wallowing (BW), Snarkiness (SN), Internet Stalking (IS)

6. What would you like to have in 2011 that you also had in 2010?
Jedi. Hopefully he'll stick around. Even though I'm an annoying harpy.

7. Etch-a-sketch your memories, or put them in a Trapper-Keeper?
Why would anyone want an etch-a-sketch memory? Those things disappear. (Well, except for those ones they break, which someone maintain their sketchiness. But then, who would want a broken etch-a-sketch for a memory.)

8. Fashion sense. Do you have one yet?
Hmmm... I think I do. Or, well, I seem to have developed my own style anyway. It seems that people see something and think it's "So [ME]"  I *think* this is a good thing, but the jury is still out. The only person who doesn't seem to have gotten the memo is my mother, since she keeps trying to dress me like HER. Since she is 6 feet tall, willowy, and small-breasted she keeps trying to dress me in leggings and tunics and belted things.  Since I am 5'7, stumpy, and massively endowed, this is not a look that works well.  But, I think I've found my look (old fashioned, 40's/50's silhouettes) and I'm learning to rock it.

9. It’s New Year’s Eve. A duck and a hippo walk into a bar. Discuss.
Huh? What's do discuss? How bad your taste in jokes is? On that topic, what do you call a fish with no "i." Nevermind, that one doesn't work when it's written down. But trust me, it's hilarious!

8. If you measured your year by achievements and failures, would you weigh more or less?
Are you asking if I'm fat? Do I look fat? cause I'm still feeling kinda fat. Since that's a failure, would that mean I weigh less? Cause failures are minuses, right? Yeah, we'll go with that. I'm a svelte, svelte failure, baby!

9. Biggest fear last year?
Losing my job. Keeping my job. Getting a new job that's just a temporary job.

10. Did you buy a lot of stuff?
Probably more than I need, but less than I want.

11.  Squirrels and mice really can crawl through your pipes and into the toilet. It’s not an urban legend. What do you do? WHAT DO YOU DO?

Um, flush again? And hope those suckers drown? I'm more worried about snakes... because snakes in toilets are basilisks doing Voldemort's bidding. On the other hand, if I saw a snake in my toilet it would probably mean I'd found the Chamber of Secrets, and that would be pretty cool.
12.  Did you play the lotto? Did you win?
I love playing the lottery, I really do. When I buy a lottery ticket I feel like I'm not just buying a ticket, but for $1 I've bought hope. It's actually a pretty euphoric feeling. In that moment there are endless possibilities and the world is my oyster.

Ok, sure, then I lose. But hey, for $1 it's a quicker & cheaper fix for my bad mood than therapy!


13. You’re forced at gunpoint to dance a jig. What song is playing?
The Devil Went Down to Georgia.

14. Happier, thinner, richer, or Sadder, fatter, poorer?
Um, all of the above? It's been kind of a yo-yo year.  More good than bad though, can't complain.

15. If you could give up television, would you give up television?
Honestly, probably not. I know I'm addicted to it-- not even in the sense of "Oh, I MUST MUST MUST watch that show!" (Which is totally the case for things like "Teen Mom.") but rather in the sense that I need background noise whenever I'm doing anything else around the house.  I don't like music (I know, I'm weird, but I don't.) I don't like DVDs (Something about the predictability of knowing what's coming. I find it distracting.) Having news or a talk show or reality tv on in the background is just the right level of distraction that allows me to actually get things done.

16.  See any good movies lately?
You know what I find sad? Good movies that didn't find an audience for whatever particular reason.  I just saw "Red" recently, and while it wasn't Oscar worthy it was certainly a pretty damn good time. In fact, I think I'll probably get it on DVD, and I hardly ever get movies on DVD.

17. If you had to open either an elephant store or a cupcake store in 2011, which would you choose?
Well, cupcakes are SO over. As a side note, am I the only one who finds that show on TLC - "DC Cupcakes (or whatever) to be SO grating? And I usually find cake shows soothing. There's something about those two sisters though that is just so... "trying too hard,"... yanno? They're just playing to the cameras way too much and their concoctions do not seem very inspired. They're no Ace of Cakes, I'll tell you that.

Anyhoo- Cupcakes are done. Flan is where it's at now.

18. Are you living in the future or the past?
Trying to get out of the past. Trying to let the future take care of itself (lilies of the fields, and all that.) Just attempting to live in the "Now."

Happy New Year to one and all. May it bring untold delights, love, accomplishing of goals, fulfilling of dreams, unexpected wonderment, and much joy to me & mine and you & yours.

All I want for Christmas is more closet space

Jedi got a B in Math and an A in English this term! Yippee! (Certainly better than the "F" in English he got last winter!)

I am much relieved and I hope he keeps this up for the winter term. I know the winter term will be tough because he's taking 3 classes (he normally takes two, but now his work schedule is only 4 days a week) and one of them is online. The online one will be tough-- the course he stumbled on last winter was an online course-- because I think Jedi needs regular interaction with the professor to fee connected to the course. 

It's really too bad because it would be a GREAT thing if he could do more online courses.  We live in podunksville and he has to drive 45min each way to get to school (community college.)  We also live in the northeast and so, as you can guess, weather is not great in the winter. I'm always afraid he's going to go off the road-- esp. since he grew up in the South and is not used to driving in the snow. He's still  not very confident driving in it.

If he goes on to get his BA, which he wants to do, he'll have to go to a school that's at least 1hour-1 1/2hours away-- one way.  If he could take online courses instead of driving that would be fantastic, but I'm worried his grades would suffer.  We'll see-- the class he's taking this winter will be an experiment of sorts.

In other news... we still haven't won the lottery! Shocker, I know... but unless we win (or somehow get $20k a year raises) we're pretty stuck for the time being in my condo.  My condo would be big... if we lived in Manhattan.  For some reason though, we have Manhattan prices in the middle of nowhere. (Actually, I know why we have crazy prices-- the local University & Hospital are basically the only major employers in our area.  This gives us lots of doctors, professors, and retired Alumni.  They have money... the rest of us who do staff work, or work at the bookstore, or local diner... do not.)  So, if you want to live in close proximity to work, you pay CRAZY housing prices. (No joke-- I pay more for my studio apartment here than I did in PARIS.)

Sure, there are cheaper places to live a bit farther away--- and super cheap places if you want to live an hour away (which MANY people do)-- but to me it's not worth the quality of life trade off.  Not to mention the dangerous driving conditions 1/2 the year, and it's not really appealing to me.

This has just been bothering me lately because Jedi and I are bursting at the seams in my tiny 600 sq foot place. I only have one closet and the doors keep coming off the rails because there's way too much crap in it.  And it's not because we're extravagant and HAVE massive amounts of crap (I think), it's just normal life/living stuff.

And so, I've been perusing the real estate ads (this is a general hobby of mine anyway) with real lust.  And there are some deals to be had with the various short-sales and real estate market decline. (To give you an example, Npapaya paid $5000 less for her 2 bed condo next door to mine this year than I paid for my studio 4 years ago.)

There's a house I'm in LOVE with at the moment. On the outside it doesn't look like much, but inside it's STUNNING. And it's got views of the river and is only 6 min away from work. It's $200k, which is a STEAL in this area. (Well, actually, it's a foreclosure.)

The problem is, at this point, $200k, might as well be $200 million-- that's how unattainable it is.  There really is no possible way we could pay that mortgage, those heating bills, plowing (a necessity up here), electricity... and then life's essentials, like food & clothing & doctor visits.

I just find this maddening because I feel like it's such a modest dream and yet I don't see how this would be possible for us.  I know other people manage! How do they manage?

I was even looking at some other condos in our area that are being sold and that are comparatively cheap.  Even those are out of our range... and they are in no way a "dream" for me, so even though they would be a bit more space than we have now, I know we would quickly outgrow them and I'd soon be looking at a house like the one above.

I don't know what we need to do to get to that point. I thought I was on the right track. When I got my new job I did get a raise.  I had calculated that I would be bringing home $300 more a month, which to me is enormous. What I didn't take into account was the fact that our health insurance is on a sliding scale, which means that I'm actually only bringing in $67 more per month.  It makes me want to tear my hair out! What do we need to do to get ahead?! And yes, I'm putting pennies away for retirement, but they're just that! Pennies! Or, about $150 a month. It's all I can really afford, and it's certainly not the $500 a month that Suze Orman would probably suggest.

Anyway... I know in this season of Christmas i have a LOT to be grateful for. Don't get me wrong, I KNOW that. Friends, Family, Jedi, a roof, heat, a job I enjoy, food on my table. And I am very grateful for it.  I know my administrative assistant is having to go to the food bank and get her presents from the thrift store. (I'm anonymously sending her gift cards to the local grocery store... I wish I could do more.) So yes, I get it. I know there are people who are much worse off than I am.  However, it does make me very covetous when I see the standard "middle class" existence seeming so far out of my reach.


And so, I keep playing the lottery in the hopes that one day I'll be able to have a second closet, because right now that seems like the only way it's ever going to happen.

Ho! Ho! Ho!  Merry Christmas!

10 things I love about you

Now, without further ado... 10 things I love about Jedi

1) He loves me. (Is that cheating to put this up here? Maybe... I don't care!) Jedi is so overwhelming in his love that it's impossible for me not to be sure of it. Every word, every action reassures me. And yes I do need that reassurance. Because of my own upbringing I find it so hard to believe that anyone could love me -just as I am-- and I still find it astonishing that he does.  When I'm sick, and grumpy, and haven't showered in 3 days... amazingly, he still loves me.

2) He's a boyscout. Literally (he's an eagle scout!) and metaphorically. He has such a strong moral compass... (and fortunately that compass wasn't all tuned by the BSA either... He's a complete believer in equality for lgbt folks.) That's not to say he can't see things in shades of grey-- but let me also say that one of my favorite things to do with him is watch reality tv shows. He gets morally indignant every time some idiot on Teen Mom won't stop playing the video games and go change a diaper. (In fact, he was even more indignant when the same idiot went and bought a video game system instead of diapers... coming from a hard-core gamer who has about 6 systems, I think that's a pretty good indication his priorities are still in order. :-)

3) He is very resilient. I know he probably wouldn't characterize himself this way, but I think it's true. He had a pretty rough start in life. His mom remarried and her husband adopted Jedi, but he's had a lot of conflicts with his adopted dad. His dad loves him, I know, but I think he was often jealous of the amount of time Darth would spend on Jedi and would take it out on him. I've seen them interact even recently and this dynamic comes out. There have been times Vader has been physical with Jedi, slamming him against a wall, nearly coming to blows.  I bring all that up only to say that in such circumstances a lot of people would have turned mean and angry and violent themselves. Jedi took the opposite route.

4) He is a very gentle spirit. I know, that may sound weird. Men aren't supposed to be gentle, are they? Phooey. And they say it's the feminists who hate men when it's the anti-feminists who impose the tough-guy persona on men.  In many ways he reminds me of my grandmother. There is something about both of them that is very calming and soothing-- just their very presence.  I tend to be very heated, quick to anger, but Jedi can calm me like no one other than my grandmother can do.

5) He's a snappy dresser.  Superficial, but it's true! He's got kind of an old soul and that's reflected in his dressing, I think. He has a fondness for things like fedoras and pin stripe suits. And he looks smoking hot in them. :-)

6) He loves to clean and organize.  Let's just say that the two of us are like Oscar & Felix. How he manages to live with my disorder, I don't know. I have to give him credit-- and thank his incredible patience. But the truth is he LOVES it. I don't think he can think of a better way to spend his time than reorganizing something. He's constantly asking my permission-- "Can I reorganize the cupboards!?" "Can I reorganize the DVDs?"... I enjoy doing my part to keep him happy and giving him lots of things to organize ;-p  And, I always tell him, "This is your house too. Reorganize whatever you want."  Because I'm a giver ... ;-P

7) He's a great brother. He and his sister have a fantastic relationship and he really looks out for her and protects her. (Very different from my own childhood where it was more like Lord of the Flies...) (I do have to point out though that it's kind of easy to be a good brother to his sister since his sister is one of the sweetest girls I've ever met. ha.)

8) He has a good work ethic. He slogged away at a job for several years that he hated.  He could have just quit and played video games all day, but he didn't.  He's struggled quite a bit with school, going to 3 different ones in the past 4 years... but he's not given up and he's almost completed his degree.  I know I complain a lot about him playing video games-- and I know he uses it all to procrastinate a lot-- but the truth is that he does what he needs to do in order to be responsible.

9) He gives without counting.  He doesn't just do this with me-- he does it with everyone. I do think he inherited this trait from his parents.  He helped someone he hardly knew put in floors and drywall.  He gives random people rides home from his school. He helps acquaintances move from a an apartment with no elevator and 4 flights of stairs. He never does anything in the spirit of selfishness-- he is, next to my grandmother, the most unselfish person I've ever met.

10) All the little things... bringing me tea when I wake up... remembering special dates (which I always forget)... being able to finish my sentences... not even minding my grumpy early morning alter-ego... going out of his way to find a certain book I'd been wanting... bringing me lunch... letting me drive his car (most precious possession!) ... insisting I drive his (safer) car during bad weather... remembering my favorite chocolates... always telling me I'm beautiful... always making me feel like I'm the most important person in the world.

Well, ok, maybe I fudged a little. That might be more than 10.

I hope I make him feel the same way. He says I do... but I also know that he is a fundamentally better person than I am.  I know I'm a very lucky girl.  Sure, there are things about him that drive me nuts too... but in the end, those don't really matter. In the end I sure am lucky to end up with him.

and more...

I said I would share things I love about Jedi, and I will, but before I do I wanted to clarify another point from down below.

Ramses read the blog and said that to him it sounded like I was planning on NEVER talking to Darth again. That is not the case-- nor was it ever. I just didn't want to talk to her until I had cooled down and could talk to her without shouting.  So, for any of you who were confused by that, I hope that clears things up.

I'm actually meeting with her tonight-- although, interestingly enough, at this point it's Jedi who is still angry with her.  When I said I was going to see her he was basically like, "Let her stew. We can talk to her in January when we get back from the trip."  Which, frankly, I don't think is a wise idea.  But I did find it interesting, considering that Jedi is the most even-keeled and forgiving person I know, that he would want to hold a grudge.