The problem.

Yes, Muckraker is the problem-- And a major reason why I can't focus my attentions on Science Guy.

I had hoped that the spring would be a time to exorcise Muckraker from my consciousness since he's away. And yet-- No! I keep getting news about him! (Damn you, facebook! Ok. Ok. I could hide his newsfeed, but it's rather sweet torture... and yes, I hate myself every time I click on his profile.)

I didn't expect to hear from him at all while he was away-- after all, he barely acknowledged my presence while he was here, so why on earth would he be in touch while he's gone? And yet, he has been. And we've been emailing back-and forth over the past few days.

And no-- it's not particularly personal or flirty or any indication of interest on his part-- I know that. Really I do. Yet the 5th grade girl inside me likes him so much that I can't help but go "Squeeeee!" when I see his message in my inbox. (Hm. that could be a metaphor for -- oh, forget it. nevermind.)

He asked me what I thought about something he'd written. And he asked if he could take a look at something I had written. I know neither of these things seems particularly meaningful, but my-ever hopeful self can't stop reading deeper meaning into it. Especially because this is out of character for him. And he really has no time to be doing this given his schedule at the moment. And he's showing an interest in something I've done.

I know I need to stop this... but this is part of the problem-- the unfiltered, unintentional, unbidden response when I hear from him, when I think of him. How do I stop what is completely unintentional to begin with?

As I told science guy this evening-- One of the reasons I love being with Science guy is that I always feel good about myself afterward. As for Muckraker? I always end up feeling unsure of myself afterward.

This is a problem. Not a world-altering, earth-shattering problem. Just a tiny, minuscule problem.

But to tell you the truth, I'm kind of sick of both of them right now. Science guy for his indecisiveness and ... well... Muckraker for his indecisiveness too, I guess.

I'm not content to sit around around and wait for either of them. I'm gonna keep doing what I do, and we'll see if anyone comes along for the ride. And if no one does? Well. That's ok too.