A dedication

To Mr. Hot N Cold himself-**



** (No, not that it was ever serious (or even close to it), but the "hot n cold" thing? Dude seriously needs to grow up and cut that shit out.)

**(And not that I'm fond of Katy Perry's misogynistic tendencies either...)

Shady McGrady

Well, that's what Npapaya calls Muckraker. I have come to the point where I agree with her, as sad as I am to say that.

Monday was a promising day, if you'll recall... and then? Nothing.

That's right... NOTHING.

In fact, on Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday Muckraker all but ignored me. After Monday's interactions the WTF??? Response to this I had was off the charts.

My friend Jan (Thank goodness she's in my class and there to back me up on this or I'd be going out of my mind thinking I had imagined his interest and then subsequent disinterest,) thinks his behaviour is totally shady too.

What's the reason for this Hot/Cold mess? I don't know, and I don't care anymore.
Tonight, I am officially done with Muckraker (the Weirdo) as Nell calls him, with "the adventurer" as another friend calls him, and with Shady McGrady as NPapaya calls him. Ok, so this is a very one-sided DONE as he doesn't care one way or another apparently, but it's good to finish it in my own mind.

So why this tonight? Well, here's what happened (or didn't happen...)

On Monday I asked Muckraker and a few other mutual friends to go to Nell's exhibition. Muckraker responded quickly saying "I'm There!" (Promising, right?) Today (After basically being ignored for several days) he says to me-- oh, that thing tonight? I may not be able to go. I have some other plans." Jan, hearing this, rolled her eyes at me, and I just responded to him, "Ok, well, see you if you get there."

This evening I was looking... dare I say? Cute?! Hot? Well, as hot as *I* get, which may only be as hot as my grandma's mildest chili, (but it was about as good as I get.) I went to the exhibit with a couple of my gay boys (still hoping to see muckraker, I admit.)

We were there for a fairly long time-- probably about an hour before muckraker finally showed up. He came and talked to us for about 2-3 minutes, and then went to go congratulate Nell.... and then he never came back...

My boys and I were waiting for Nell to finish the exhibition so we could go out to eat, but it was taking much longer than expected. We decided to head out to a restaurant to grab a bite to eat, and so we tracked muckraker down to ask him if he wanted to join us (which, frankly was the plan to begin with when we were all talking about going out that evening.)

Muckraker informed us he was meeting up with some people at a local indian restaurant, and that we could join him if we wished. I asked him "oh, who are you meeting?" and he responded, "Are you being discriminating?" My response? "Yes! I have no wish to hang out with people I can't stand!" (In addition, Nell was planning on going to a restaurant across the street with some of her other friends, and we didn't want to ditch her.) Muckraker headed out without waiting to see if anyone else was coming... and, well, that was that.

My boys and I ended up grabbing a bite elsewhere, and that was that too...

Crappy evening overall, huh? (All that cuteness totally WASTED!)

I was hopeful. Perhaps too hopeful. Muckraker's issues... I don't know what they are, but if he persists in being -- well, a total douche -- there's nothing I can do about that is there? Except not waste my time.

So this strikes me particularly hard this evening as another internet connection has fizzled out, and since Science guy is no longer in the picture (being super attentive. Ok, yeah, he was kind of a douche too.)

It's on nights like this when I ask myself, "Why do I even try? Why do I put myself out there? Why do I put myself up for rejection? Why do I care?" I could be sitting at home every night and have the exact same results I do now-- which is to say, NONE AT ALL!

I don't know, maybe Muckraker liked me (or he liked the chase, and when I started to reciprocate it was no longer fun for him.) Whatever. I at least feel reassured by some of my friends' observations enough to tell myself that at least I wasn't imagining his demonstrated (real or feigned) interest. What happened between demonstrating that interest and TONIGHT? I have no fucking clue. Maybe he got sick of me, maybe he found himself a girlfriend, maybe he's just an annoying fuck.

As for me? I'm fucking sick of this whole fucking dating game. I'm not having fun anymore and I don't want to play.

Seriously? Seriously. Can I use you as a reference, btw?

While I was in the middle of composing my next post (which you will see in oh-say-30 minutes or so. I know you'll be hitting the refresh button incessantly in anticipation...) Science guy came up on my IM.

We were chatting amicably back and forth, I mentioned I had thought about ringing him for dinner tonight, etc. And then I mentioned that one of my friends recently used the same (unusual) turn of phrase to describe something that he had. I wondered if he knew her, I asked. His response? No, but I might like to! Is she hot? and single?

{hang head, roll eyes and go reread my advice }

Since this is only the -oh- 20th or so time he's said something like this (yes, exaggeration, but that's what it feels like.) I got annoyed.

I responded- "Do you have any hot guys at your office you can set me up with?"

We went back and forth a few times and finally I just said to him-- Look, I have no illusions about whether or not you may find someone else attractive, but I'm hurt (and I think any other girl would be) to have you say so directly to me. It implies that you don't find me attractive enough. Those are thoughts I think you should keep to yourself.

(Am I wrong here? I seriously don't think so.)

We talked some more and he was finally like, "I think our personalities just don't mesh well enough to make this work." Which, as much as I like him, I have to agree with that.

He did say he still wanted to be friends and that he thought I was "a great woman" and friendly, and helpful, etc. etc. and that he would still like to be friends. He asked if we were still on for this weekend, because he'd like to hang out still.

So, that's pretty good right? I have to say, I always end things on a high note...! Ha. You think I have more good karma headed my way?

Science guy really does seem like a nice guy, but he was right that our personalities just didn't click well enough for anything serious I think.

Anyone with a high tolerance for off-color jokes want his number?

Also, do you think I can use both him and atlas as good references for future dates? Ha!

Am I dense or are you a dunce?

Today was the first time I saw Muckraker in 3ish weeks. You will be happy to know I refrained from saying, "WTF is wrong with you? What, they don't have email in Arizona?" As Meg pointed out, this would probably be a bad move, and make him run away very, very, very fast. Which is not the goal. (Well, not yet at least. Time will tell... I may keep this maneuver in mind in case it should become necessary.)

I sat next to him in class today, which wasn't planned, but my friend and I were running late and those were the only seats left in the back. (Ok, ok, I'll be honest. If the room had been full of empty chairs, I probably would have sat next to him too, but this gave me no choice. Thanks universe!) He greeted me with a hug and we made a bit of small talk. At the end of class asked me to grab a cup of coffee with him.

I told him I had to hurry back to the office, so if he wanted to grab a cup of crappy dining service coffee I would do that, but I wouldn't hold him up if he wanted to go to Starbucks (which is only slightly less crappy than dining service coffee). My friend Jan conveniently made herself scarce and told me not to wait for her, she had to run an errand. (no, I didn't ask her to do this. What do you think I am, pathetic? Oh. Wait. Um.... Well, but at least I didn't ASK her to do that!)

I was kind of surprised actually that he asked me to do this one-on-one since his MO seems to do group stuff, so I was rather pleased by the invite.

Over coffee our topics wandered the gamut from "true love" (Because of an article I'd posted on facebook--scientists claim to have found proof of "true love" pathways in the brain. Of course, it turns out that he knows the scientist who did the research since he interviewed him for an article... I have to say, his trait of always knowing everything (in a rather off-hand manner) is both one of the things I like best about him, and one of the most infuriating. It's like, "For once I'd like to tell you something you DON'T know!" But I digress...), to families (and why my sister is dead to me!), and to how people don't always show their true feelings when they like someone...

(Seriously dude, if you just pulled my hair and called me "carrots" I would be much more clear about the whole thing, because this meandering.... I just don't know. Am I dense, or are you a dunce? So if you could just be more obvious? Or tell me to drop dead? Either one of these would be more helpful.)

He also said something that was rather infuriating... Ro has kind of said the same thing to me... but, well, it gives me pause... and makes me remind myself not to put on rose colored glasses.

Some other things he said made me think -- ok, yes, he's hinting he likes me, other times he said stuff that made me thing-- ok, he's hinting I should look elsewhere.


Given how acute and discerning my signal reading skills have been of late (see a few posts below), I put no faith in them.

I cut coffee short (because I really did have to -- ya know -- go do what they pay me to do).

When I got to my office I thought, screw it. After that coffee thing? I'm just going to go for it. I sent him an email asking him to dinner tonight.

He wrote back he didn't think he could because he had plans already, but those plans might be canceled. Later that afternoon he was in touch to say he couldn't do tonight after all, but could he get a rain check?

So, that's where we left things. I'll see him on Wednesday in class, so I guess I might have more to say then! (I also feel like this serial soap format of story telling means that my blog should be sponsored by Mr. Clean or something.)
* * * * * * * * * *

OH! Funny side note, one of my friends (who is in the class) wrote to me afterward saying, "How are things with Muckraker the Adventurer? Has he mustered up his courage to ask you out? HE is a big weirdo!!" (Hee. He really is, actually. I harbor no illusions about this.)

Second side note - I am a die-hard feminist, and I may be betraying the sisterhood in what I am about to say, but I can't help but feel what I feel:

He asked me to get coffee. If he liked me, I would have expected him to offer to pay. He didn't. This leads me to think that either he doesn't like me like that (or doesn't like me enough), or that he does but is too damn cheap to pay for a cup of coffee. This wasn't even a mocha-frappe-venti-peppermint swirl-skim latte or anything either-- just a plain $1 cuppa joe. Either way, not good all-around.

It might be wrong of me to expect that (probably it is), but that's the way I feel about it. I do gauge level of interest in whether or not the guy pays... Anyone have differing views about this?

In Case You Were Wondering

Here are some reasons why you might be single courtesy of Time Out New York!

(Ummm... yes, in the interest of full disclosure one (or more!) of these things apply to me, and I know it. I'll let you guess which ones they are...!)

Also, Feel free to add your own reasons in the comments section!

REASONS YOU'RE SINGLE:


Because you’re desperate

Because you’re afraid of commitment

Because you love the sound of your voice

Because you’re too shy

Because you’re too controlling

Because you’re cheap

Because you just got dumped and have pledged never to love again

Because you have too many roommates

Because you’re allergic to everything

Because you’re overweight

Because you’re obsessed with your pet

Because you only speak in catchphrases

Because you have bad breath

Because you’re a straight woman who only goes out with her gay friends

Because you’re a gay man who only goes out with his straight friends

Because you can’t get over your ex

Because your voice could cut glass

Because you have no style

Because you’re a gal who can’t stop dating musicians

Because you only like people who don’t like you

Because you’re in love with yourself

Because you’re secretly gay

Because you work till all hours

Because you’re a guy who’s too nice

Because you party too much

Because you don’t drink

Because You drink too much

Because you’re ugly

Because you’re too pretty

Because you blog about everything

Because you have a kid

Because you’re a short and skinny guy

Because you look like the Gotti kids

Because you’re addicted to sex

Because you hate yourself

Because you’re too close to your parents

Because you’re too picky

Because you’re too judgmental

Because you’re a homebody

Because you’re so damn angry

....And that’s why you’re single!

Whenever anyone you know exemplifies any of the categories above, take a sharp pencil, point it at them and say, “And that’s why you’re single!” It’s catchy and works for anything.

In which I am proven wrong

Ah, Facebook! How do I love thee? Let me count the ways!

Except of course, when it gives me evidence of my own idiocy...!

That "relationship" status is a bitch, I tell you! (Which is precisely why I don't have mine listed, btw.)

So, remember how I thought that Griffith was flirting with me the a week or so ago? And how he said, "Let's hang out when I'm back in town?" ... And how I took that to mean, "Hmmm... Maybe he is interested in me... hmmm...I think I would be interested in him!..."?

Well, he just changed his relationship status to "In a Relationship."

DOH!

Ok, so presumably he actually DID just want to "Hang out." That's ok, I can deal with that. :-p I obviously read something into our interaction that wasn't there.

This, of course, worries me. Not that he's in a relationship-- I wish him all the best-- but the fact that I misread him.

If you'll recall, I also completely misread Science Guy. (I thought he was blowing me off, but it turns out he thought I was blowing him off)

So we now have two prime exhibits in which I completely misread a situation.

Let's see... Can I make it three for three? Perhaps tomorrow I'll find out Muckraker got engaged over the holidays...! That would be awesome. So awesome, I may have to foreswear the opposite sex forever!

Update

Just a (hopefully!) quick update since I've been MIA over vacation.

I was supposed to get together with Science guy tomorrow-- we had made plans for lunch and then errands (sexy, I know-- but we're both crazy busy.) In fact, we're both so crazy busy that our plans got postponed to next weekend. I'm not really disappointed, which tells me a lot, I think. I like science guy, I think he's great-- (And he's very attentive, which is appreciated! He's called, and texted me more times than I can count over these last 2 weeks -- (well, I could count, but it's probably in the 15-20 range. No worries, I don't get a stalker vibe from him :-)

As attentive as he is, I (being the difficult girl I am) can't help but wish that attentiveness was coming from someone else. What can a girl do? A crush wants what a crush wants! There's obviously no logic behind it, because logic tells me to go full force ahead with science guy and to put Muckraker out of my head.

And yet, during this vacation I kept finding my thoughts involuntarily straying to Muckraker. Not simply in the "Gee, does he like me, I hope he likes me!" sense, but in that I would think of something funny.... and want to tell him, because I knew he would get the joke. Or, I'd be having a discussion on something obscure and not able to recall if something happened during the reign of Justinian I or not-- and I knew Muckraker would know, and my instinct was to say-- "OH, Muckraker, what is xyz?" or "Oh, Muckraker would know! Let me ask him!" He really is the most brilliant, amazing man-- a true polymath. Though the content of his character is still fuzzy for me at the moment, even if I didn't have a crush on him I know I would want to have discussions with him. He's not showy about what he knows, completely the opposite in fact. You would never realize the extent of his insights until you got deeply into conversation with him, because (unlike me!) he doesn't trot out facts and figures and put them on display as though they were show ponies. And so, whenever I got into a discussion in the past few weeks, I kept wanting to ask him what his thoughts were on a particular subject.

This is, as I said, completely involuntary (and CRAZY) behaviour on my part. Believe me, I know this. I want to stop this. I want to exorcise this crush! If anyone has any hints, do let me know!

I will presumably be seeing Muckraker on Monday. (Yes, I decided to take the class I mentioned in a previous post-- and in spite of some concerns that readers expressed to me privately, it's not really because Muckraker is taking the class that I'm in it. I had signed up for it long before I knew him, and was debating between 2 courses. In the end this course will be the lesser of 2 evils and keep me from having to take a worse course this summer.) Though, of course Muckraker could have dropped the course, or any number of things could have happened, and it's possible I won't see him.

My friend Meg thinks I should go up to him and say, "I missed you!" I think this is MUCH too forward for me though. She wonders if he knows how I feel and I have to say that I think he does. Is it wrong for me to sit back and let him come to me though? I just want a bit of the same kind of attentiveness that Science Guy has shown me. Maybe that is wrong of me to expect, but it's what I want.

Well, time will tell, and I should probably know in the next week or two if there is any real possibility with Muckraker, or if I need to call in some voodoo priestess to rid me of my crush. (Anyone got one on speed dial?)