Friday, July 22, 2011

Name Change

I'm not taking Jedi's last name.  Either because of my feminist convictions... or because I'm too damn lazy to do the paper work.  You'll just never know...

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

All over the place

My emotions have been all over the place this week.  Poor Jedi. He tries so hard to be patient and understanding. 

Sometimes his patience and understanding make me want to scream at him.  Sometimes I just want to have a fight, you know that feeling?  Like, you're angry at the world for no particular reason and you need to take it out on whoever happens to be close by.

I don't take my anger out on Jedi. But sometimes I still want to.

Jedi doesn't really ever fight.  He's usually very even-keeled.  Other than general cheerfulness pretty much the only other emotion he exhibits is pouting. (Is that an emotion? or behaviour? We'll just go with it.)  Mostly he pouts when he really, really, really wants something (like, yesterday, a Kindle) and something (like, money) stands in his way.  At that point, nothing will make him happy again other than getting his hands on the object of his desire.  Yes, sometimes I think I'm marrying a 5 year old.  (But hey, I have my own 5 year old tendency to throw tantrums, so we'll overlook it.)

Anyway, all this to say that my emotions are all over the place at the moment.  The most annoying thing is that I can't figure out whether my emotions are real or hormone induced-- (Which, I hate to say, but it's true. I become very ornery right before my period.) 

Usually when it's hormone induced I KNOW that's what it is so I'm able to take a step back and regroup and be calm(er).  However, I'm pretty sure that the last pack of birth control I took had something wrong with it.  I get it in packs of 3 months worth and usually skip my period. The past 2 month my BC has ... i don't know... konked out early, and I've gotten my period when I'm not supposed to. (On the plus side that means I'm not pregnant. On the minus side-> birthcontrol not working like it's supposed to = scary!)  I only realized when I got my period that it was probably THAT reason-- the hormones not working-- That had given me killer migraines and horrible can't-get-out-of-bed depression the week before.

Grrr. and *sigh.*

It would have been helpful to realize the depression was caused by the hormones and NOT because my life is worthless and horrible and the only course of action is obviously/logically to jump off a bridge.

So, there's that.

But, there is also lots of stuff that IS causing me stress and sadness and depression...

Like, my grandfather's failing health and cancer fight.  My gandmother (who had a stroke in March) going back into the hospital for emergency surgery yesterday to remove another blood clot.  My dad's house being foreclosed on.  My dad's diabetes getting worse, and he doesn't have insurance.

And then the petty stuff...

Wedding flowers are costing $450. WHAT THE FUCK is that about!? And we're doing CARNATIONS! The ugliest flower ever! And we're arranging them OURSELVES!!! Why does it cost so much?!  So, now I don't know if we should just skip flowers all together. And it's stressing me to think about it.

I can't find wedding shoes.  I've tried every shoestore in the tristate area.  I've spent over $1000 ordering shoes from Zappos and Bluefly and whatever else. (No worries. Getting money back when I return them.) NOTHING fits. NOTHING is the right color/heel height/style.  Everything that would work is either out of stock and on a 15 week backorder (NO JOKE.) or only comes in sizes 5-8.  This does not help my BIG FAT FEET.  Apparently I'm looking for the holy grail of wedding shoes... Ivory, less than 1inch heel, size 10.5... and, oh, yeah. STYLISH.  That last one seems to be the big problem.

Gifts for people who have helped with the wedding.  I actually got some really great gifts for cheap at a going out of business sale... but I found out that to customize them it will be $160.  Which, still brings the gifts to $9 each... but... that's about $140 more than I had budgeted.

People who haven't RSVP'd.  Seriously!?  don't even get me started on this.

... and on and on...with stupid wedding details... that are NOT important, but that still need to be thought about/taken care of.  *sigh*

I know I brought this on myself, but I'm just lacking the will or energy or anything to care about what happens to the wedding stuff... and at the same time I can't stop being anxious about it.

On the (small) plus side, I decided to take a leap of faith 2 days ago.  I have an artistic project cooking that is making me feel hopeful... so, well, hopefully that project will have wings.  If it does, I will be sure to share it with you.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

No Good Deed Goes Unpunished

Some days I love the work that I do.  Other days I think, this is NOT worth the mental energy it takes to fight off ignorant and willfully inflammatory remarks. Oh, did I mention I work in a women's center?  Yes, I think the education we do is valuable, yes, I'm fighting the good fight, yes, I want to make the world a safer and more equitable place for ALL people. (Contrary to popular belief, Feminisim does not mean stepping on men to get to the top. Really.)  But, well, remarks from people like that are to be expected, and it's part of our continuing outreach.

Sometimes though, the people I work with, who are supposed to be allies in this fight, are so fucking pedantic and self-righteous I think it would just be easier to give up and become a Michelle Bachmann acolyte.

What am I angry about today?  Well, I was contacted by a community member who wanted resources on reaching out to a recent immigrant family that was planning on "circumcising" (aka- Female Genital Mutilation) their young daughter.  The community member worried that she, as a white person, would come across as imperialistic or colonialist and imposing her view when discussing this with them. She didn't want the message about the extreme health risks to be lost just because she was the messenger.  Thoughtful, yes?

In reaching out to my list of contacts I stated that I was looking for someone who was themselves an immigrant member of that ethnic group or an American of that descent... who was also knowledgeable about FGM.

Apparently that last bit was terribly difficult to comprehend as I got back a snarky email telling me how offensive it was that I was asking for someone who was an American descendant of that ethnic group to talk to the family. I was told that it was compared to asking a German American to explain Naziism. (Really? Isn't that a prime example of Godwin's law? But I digress.)

I wrote back, politely, explaining that I wasn't just looking for ANY RANDOM PERSON of XYZ descent, but one who knew about FGM.


It just annoys me. I feel like it's people like that who drive away fledgling allies to progressive causes.  (e.g. "Oh, you're supportive of transsexual rights? Really? Because calling them transsexual is HORRIBLY offensive, you bigot. Why don't you go back to watching FoxNews."... I wish I could say that was an exaggeration, but that is actually the condensed version of a conversation I overheard not long ago.)

It just makes me want to give up all together. You're damned if you do, and damned if  you don't, right?

It reminds me of a fundraiser I organized for cancer research when I was in high school.  It was in honor of two classmates, both of whom died of cancer, but only one of the classmates was a friend of mine.  I BEGGED the friends of the other classmate to help me organize the fundraiser, but none of them wanted to put in the time.  After the fundraiser I sure got a lot of hell though! I got hell because people didn't like the type of fundraiser it was, (a dance. Too joyous apparently, given that they had both died.), the music played, (the other classmate didn't like that artist, didn't I know that?), the specific charity money was given to (the other classmate didn't die of that TYPE of cancer, didn't I know that?)... etc, etc, etc.  In fact, I never got more criticism-- from people who refused to help or give input-- than when I put on that fundraiser.

Flash forward to the present day. Sure, I now give money to causes, but I haven't volunteered to help run a charity event since.  No wonder, right? Who would after that previous experience.

Today's little exchange just makes me want to throw in the towel on doing diversity/gender education.  WTF is the point when even the people who are supposed to be on your team only criticize instead of help?

I fucking hate everyone today.

Thursday, July 7, 2011


*(or should we go with Han Solo/Princess Leia Bride & Groom?)

*Edited to Add:
When I asked Jedi the question above, he answered by saying:

"No, I don't think of myself as Han Solo. I think of myself as Corran Horn and you as Mirax Terrik Horn But, because they are from the Extended Universe of Star Wars, people will not know who they are."
OMIGAWED. I am marrying such a geek! But I love him!

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Mini Pity Party

This is a super mini pity party.

The dates got mixed up for my last dress fitting so my future MIL can't come with me.  My stepmom can't come with me. Npapaya can't come with me...

Which leaves me with no one to help me get into my dress for the fitting (cause the seamstress wont' do it for some reason.)

Now, I know that everyone has good excuses... but I feel like I don't have a single friend. Whaaa!  (I do have other friends around here, but none that would be appropriate to ask. It's a small wedding... so I'm not going to ask a friend I haven't invited to the wedding to help me try on the dress, yanno? I feel like that would be weird.)

The last person available is ... gulp... Jedi.  And he can't see the dress before the wedding!

I'm going to have a little pity party... because if I can't find anyone else I have to ask my-- gulp-- stepsister. And that's not a good idea unless I want my dress to smell of booze, dogs, and cigarettes... (and other "mystery" odors.)