Saturday, October 27, 2012

The little things

Time for a little schmaltz.  It's been awhile, right?  I try to keep it off facebook for the most part, because I know how annoying it is to read "kisskisshughugsmoochsmooch" from couples all the time.  It's like-- ugh! What are you trying to prove.

And I'm NOT trying to prove how "in love" Jedi and I are, mostly because I think that's dumb. Love isn't a contest or a zero-sum game.  But what I DO want the world to know is how fucking amazing Jedi is.  I would write that shit on facebook everyday if I didn't think everyone would defriend me. (And believe me, enough people have already defriended me for my political posts. Heh.)

Jedi  is just the most incredibly thoughtful person you could ever hope to meet. He is always thinking about someone other than himself-- and yes, that often includes me (which is an awesome feeling)-- but it's definitely not limited to me.  He's often thinking about the nice things he can do for his sister, or his mom, or my nephew, or the people in his office.

For me? Doing nice things is just second nature.  He scrapes my car windshield in the mornings even though he takes the bus.  He makes me tea, even though he doesn't drink tea.  He always carries in the groceries and puts them away. He is always asking if I want a back rub or a foot rub (ok, he often asks for those too... :-)  He never needs to be asked to do anything-- he just does it out of loving kindness... chores that should be mine, like feeding the dog, or picking up after her-- if he notices I haven't gotten to it, he'll just do it, and never say a word about it.   He always calls and texts to make sure I got to school and work safely, he sends me notes to tell me how much he loves me, he remembers the anniversary of the day we met and reminds me every month that it was the happiest day of his life.

He's a hot nerdy feminist, and he's all mine.  And, amazingly enough, HE thinks HE'S the lucky one to have found ME! I don't know how I managed THAT Jedi mind trick.


School is hard.  This week I have 3 ten page papers due, a group project, a chapter outline, and 3 discussion forum posts due.... and that's for ONE class.  Out of 5 classes.  I won't even bother to list what I have due in my other classes.

I've also started seeing therapy clients, which was slightly nerve-wracking at the beginning, but I was pleased that my supervisor didn't call into my sessions once (she called in to one of my other classmate's sessions 3x!), and after my first session she told me she was proud of me, and that I could do my next sessions with only video supervision (instead of having her there live.) So, I feel like that's a pretty good stamp of approval.

And I feel like I'm running around all over the place trying to get things done, and failing, and letting Jedi down (especially with housework--because I've NEVER been good with that, but since I'm home more I should really be better, but I find that I'm still insanely busy, and so I'm not... And I always really suck at housework.)

But here's the good thing too.  For all that I'm stressed with school, for all that I'm stressed about the future, and where I'll get an internship, and where I should go to school next.... I find that I'm breathing easier.

That tightness that comes from always feeling like you're watching what you say? It's gone.  That feeling you have when you're always watching your back? It's gone.  Not having to deal with two-faced, backstabbing people? That will make you breathe easier.

The next couple of years will be tough-- Jedi keeps asking me, when will we finally have a life that feels "settled?" ( I don't know the answer to that actually, because my student-loan-repayment plan will probably have us feeling unsettled for awhile, actually.)  But I feel really good about the choice to go into a profession that will, at the end of the line, give me a lot more latitude and freedom with what I want to do with my life, and will also give me the freedom to decide which types of people I want to surround myself with.

And doesn't everyone need more breathing room? Ahhhhh....

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Plans, plans, plans

I'm a planner at heart.  However, the best laid plans... ha!  And as you can tell from the blog title, my plans  have a way of making God laugh.

I was thinking about plans on 9/11 because, well, who doesn't remember what they were doing, or exactly what type of person they were in that moment-- it's a very 'crystallized in time' kind of moment, you know?  Mostly I can't believe how long it's been since it happened, and I also can't believe that THIS is my life.

THIS? My 19 year old self says to my now-self.
 Yes. This. 
Really? THIS?
Yes. THIS.

Not that THIS is bad, in a lot of ways, THIS life is pretty great.  If I hadn't lived this life I would never have met Jedi, and he is wonderful and more than I could ever have hoped for in a partner. (Well, other than the independently wealthy part .  Drat.)

And I feel like I have accomplished a lot in the past 11 years-- I've had as many careers as most people have had in a life time-- I've  been a costume designer, real estate agent, a carnival worker, a radio DJ, a secretary, an event planner, a student adviser. I've gotten my second masters... (and am now working on my 3rd... what? um...)I've lived in France, I've lived in Ireland, I bought a condo, I got a dog; I met and married an amazing man.... not bad actually.

So why do I still feel like I let my 19 year old self down?  I guess I pictured myself more as living in Europe living a bohemian lifestyle, working in theater...

And yet... I DID that!  And I kind of hated it.  I mean, I loved it, but I hated the insecurity of it.  On some level I love the idea of adventure more than the reality of it-- at the end of the day, the comfort of my own bed and my own comfortable surroundings are a powerful draw, moreso than never knowing where my next pay check is coming from, where I'll be sleeping from one night to the next.

But there's a part of me that still has a bit of that wanderlust, and as I keep thinking about what my next steps are (because they're coming up faster than I can imagine!) I am torn between staying where I am-- in my comfortable surroundings, where in-laws and family, and established friendships are--- or making a leap for the unknown and uprooting us for the exotic shores of....Canada? Maybe :-)  Socialized medicine is a powerful draw!