It's called NETWORKING, you idiot!!

Jedi is driving me fucking nuts.
And this is making me want to be really mean to him and call him names. (Which I've refrained from doing thus far. Aren't you proud of me? My therapist is proud of me!)

Now, to be fair, I walked into this relationship knowing these were Jedi's failings and my eyes were wide open. I weighed the pros and cons and decided that having someone who was nurturing, unfailingly kind, and thoughtful was worth more than having someone who was ambitious, worldly, and could spell.

That doesn't mean it doesn't drive me fucking nuts.

As I've mentioned before, Jedi hates his job and is actively looking for a new one. He's settled back on teaching/working with kids as his career path. Ok. Fine. I'll support him in that. (I did convince him to stick to elementary education because frankly middle schoolers and high schoolers would eat him alive.) 4-6 grade would be a good fit for him, I think, I can honestly say that.

To help him get more experience working with kids I put Jedi in touch with the husband of a friend of mine who runs the Boys and Girls club in our area. Lo and behold they were looking for volunteers over the 4th of July, so we volunteered and were happy to help out, and Jedi made some good contacts with people who run other programs and have other opportunities. Jedi had a good conversation with a guy named Kevin and Kevin said, "Email me! I'll put you in touch with so-and-so who runs such-and-such. I also run ABC program which I'll need some help with if you want to volunteer for that. I was a principal in xyz school and I know all the principal's around here. I can help you out and serve as a reference if you need one in the future."
Now....

Wouldn't a logical person think that Kevin was offering to serve as a reference AFTER Jedi volunteered with some of the programs he runs? Hmmm...? Given that he'd known Jedi all of 2 hours when he said this?

The Following is the text message exchange:
Me: (a week after meeting Kevin) Have you contacted Kevin yet?

Jedi: No.

Me: You should get his email from [Friend's husband.]

Jedi: ok.
...A day later...

Me: Have you contacted Kevin yet?

Jedi: No.

Jedi: Ok, This is the email I'm going to send him. "Hello Kivin,[sic] I was wondering if I could use you as a reference? Can you call me? -Jedi"

Me: [inside my head and over text] NNNNNNOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! [Inside my head, "You DOLT!!!!]

Me: You can't send him that! You don't even know him yet! Don't send anything yet.
Jedi: What am I emailing him about then?

Me: [In my head: "YOU IDIOT!"] To get more info about the volunteer opportunities and to get the email for so-and-so who runs the rec program!

Jedi: I can ask [friend's husband] about that.

Me: You need to make contact with Kevin and form a good relationship with him before you ask him for a reference! Esp. since he's worked with all the schools around here. It's called NETWORKING!!!!!!!! [In my head: "You IDIOT!"]

Jedi: Don't get mad.

-----------------
Like I said, aren't you proud of me for keeping the name-calling in my head? I told my therapist that I am undoubtedly a bad person who should not be getting married if my instinct is to call the man I love an idiot (even if it is only inside my head. Who knows when that might just slip out of my mouth?)

Sigh... All this is while I'm in the middle of (online) dress shopping during my lunch break.
Which makes me think-- Have I turned into one of those people whose focusing more on the wedding than the marriage? God, I hope not. This exchange does make me wonder though if I'm doing the right thing.

In other news... wanna see the dress I picked out? Look away now if you want to be surprised!It's from David's Bridal-- Which is a shitty shitty store, I know, (which I always swore to avoid) but at the same time I'm very poor. I like the style of this dress though and it's cheap enough that if I get it and hate it my future mother-in-law (she of the mad sewing skills) can use it as a pattern and do it in a fabric I like. (e.g. NOT cheap industrial polyester. Ew.)

Additionally, do you have any idea how HARD dress shopping is when the nearest bridal shop is 2 hours away!? Freakin-A! The weird thing is the David's bridal seems to be the only place that actually tells you their ACTUAL prices on their website (everyone else has some variation of $, $$, $$$, $$$$... which is effing STUPID given that depending on the website $ could be $100 or it could be $1000. WTF?) This also makes wedding dress shopping nearly impossible... and then add to that that I'm what they delicately call plus-sized... which seems to relegate me to a muumuu or tent variation. (Also, have you noticed that the plus sized dresses seem to have excessive beading and lace and ugly shit on it? Is that to detract from my hideous plus-sized body? Cause it ain't workin'!

They have a 14 day return policy-- this dress is only available online, so I think I'm going to get it and just see how it goes. Wish me luck!

Grown Up Busy Work

So I am spending my day doing the grown up version of busy-work. You know those worksheets you had as a kid? The ones designed to keep you occupied while the teacher did other stuff? Yeah. That's what I'm doing now. I'm doing database clean-up for data that no one will ever look at. SWEET.

I feel SOOOOOO motivated. Well, being able to pay my mortgage and have health insurance keeps me motivated. Yippee.

Not a Controversy, just an update

It's ControverSunday so I feel like I should write something controversial. I've also been neglecting my blog of late because my job makes me want to kill myself and I've got no energy to do anything but collapse.

Hating my job is not exactly controversial, I know. A lot of people hate their jobs. I was thisclose to quitting on Friday. I've been on disability leave for a month and I asked for a day off... this coming JUNE... and my boss responded by saying that I've been passing my work off onto other people and this is unacceptable... etc. I was LIVID... and upset... and crying all day.

I'm just SOOOO DONE with this job. It leaves me unable to think,breathe, do ANYTHING other than work and stress about work. I've made no progress on my thesis (Which I just want to FINISH ALREADY.)

In the midst of all this though Jedi showed again just how amazingly sweet he is-- I'd spoken with him on the phone about how upset I was and he came home with flowers and ice cream for me. He really is thoughtful. (Oh, and he just made me a sandwich! Cause I said I was hungry! What a gem! And he did the dishes before I got up this morning! I'm so in love!)

Is that selfish of me? To love him in large part because of how much he does for me? It makes such a difference in my life though-- and I find it such an important demonstration of love. I think if he wasn't constantly going OVERBOARD my general inclination would be to doubt the sincerity of his words. His actions make how much he cares about me indesputible though.

So... a controversy... I feel like I should be able to think about one.... But I've got a migraine, so I'm going back to bed. Talk amongst yourselves!

You're kidding me, right?

Muckraker is in touch, out of the blue, insisting that, No, he doesn't always contact me when he needs favors, but that yes, he does in fact need a favor this time.

He wants me to go pick up a prescription and mail it to him. (It would have been amusing if the prescription had been Viagra...)

Sucker that I am, I'll probably do it. (But believe you me, I'll be calling in favors as well in the next year or two...)

Who is Rahm Emanuel?

An example of why Mr.2young and I are not a match made in heaven:

I was telling him about a dream I had. "I dreamt that Rahm Emanuel and Rachel Maddow came over for dinner at my house and they totally took my policy suggestions seriously!"

Mr.2young responded with, "Oh. Are those people you work with?"

Doh!

Reminded me a bit of this week's "Parks and Recreation" where the cop who asks Leslie out on a date sees a picture on her desk and says, "Oh, is that a picture of your grandma?"

She says, "That's Madeleine Albright."

He says, "Oh. Is that what you call her? I just call mine 'Nana.'"

Glutton for Punishment

Muckraker stopped by yesterday to chat. He was the one who had asked to stop by, but he acted like I had asked him, saying, "What did you want to talk about?"

Whatever.

I was immediately put off.... and he exhibited massively rude behaviour that I know I would never be able to tolerate in someone I was dating. I had to bite my tongue to keep from telling him, "I know why you're single... it may have something to do with your belching..." So grossed out.

Last week we had talked about some writing I had done, which was not coming along well. He had offered his critique-- some points were valid, some points were really because he doesn't appreciate/get the type of writing I do--- which is very woman-centered, and focusing on emotions. Since I have yet to ascertain whether or not he actually has emotions, it's not surprising that he didn't like it.

All the same, I was rather put off when he said to me. "I was disappointed in you. I think you're a much better writer than this, and you're not pushing yourself."

It hurt. Yes, yes it did. Part of it is because I know he's right-- it's not the best writing I've done. The other part is that I know he wouldn't like much of any writing I would do. And the third part is that I know I'm taking the path of least resistance where this project is concerned, but because of work circumstances it's what makes the most sense.

But mostly I was angry. Who the fuck are you, dude, to tell ME that YOU'RE disappointed in ME? WHO are YOU to ME? No one. What gives you the right? Asshole.

On the plus side, this exchange really helped convince me that I need to get back in the dating game more seriously. I don't know why I keep waiting around for various people to grow the fuck up. (Maybe because it's easier than meeting new people?)

I need to find some people who are grown ups already.

Out of the Blue

you will NEVER believe who just called me....

Muckraker.

On my work line.

From the other side of the country.

After having been absent since March.

After not answering my emails in April.

But he just called.

Just... yanno... to chat.

He said he had 3 things he wanted to talk to me about.

1) Was I mad at him?

2) what's the latest school news

And then his phone cut out before #3....


WTF was that about?


Do NOT let me go down this road again....!

Science Guy Story

(Thanks to ARF for the reminder... )

Yes, Science Guy is yet living! In spite of having no contact with him for about 4 weeks, he suddenly IMs me on facebook.

(I think this may have to do with the fact that I changed my profile pic to one with me & a rather handsome man nuzzling my neck-- (don't get too excited-- one of my totally gay BFFs) and I changed my status to thank a kind anonymous handsome stranger for some much needed help..)

So, Science Guy's IM pops up and his question is, "Who is the handsome stranger?"

I respond with, "I'm surprised to hear from you."

Him: Why is that?
Me: Because you dropped off the face of the earth... (left unwritten, but I thought it... After your super douchey behaviour!)
Him: I've been busy, family has been in town.
Me: ok
Him: So who is the handsome stranger?
Me: Oh, just someone who helped me with some car trouble.
Him: Did you get his number?
Me: No.... I was not really dressed for impressing. I'd been gardening and I was covered in mud and wearing sweats.
Him: I bet you still floored him.


As I read this, I'm just like-- WTF!? As you may recall, Science Guy is the one who wanted to be "just friends" but he keeps pulling out these random throw-away compliments. (Which, frankly, is part of the reason I keep talking to him... because he is very good for my self esteem.) But really? REALLY?

I mean, what am I supposed to do with that? (Npapaya & I were watching "He's just not that into you" yesterday (terrible movie, btw!) but the one funny part was the line with the little interlude by Frangela on how guys dump you but make it seem like you're idea... saying things like, "Girl, I am gonna be so jealous of the man who gets to be with you." And their response was.. "Wait.. Hold on. Up until 5 seconds ago, that man was YOU!" That's kind of what my response is with all these little offhand compliments from Science Guy.)

And then... to finish off the conversation, he asks me to dinner with his parents. After I haven't heard from him in 4 weeks. After he was totally douchetastic. WTF?

(No, I did not got to dinner.)

As a side note, he also emailed to say that he wanted to set Npapaya up with his coworker. But then he refused to send her a picture or any info or give me a name so that we could look him up.

Again, WTF?

A real winner!

This one was sent to Npapaya.... Poor Npapaya! Sorry, babe! :-( Sucks for you... amusing for the interwebs!



I'm very unconventional and in need of a female friend 2 share pleasure with most
importantly, but i need friends as wel. yes, i'm married, i won't lie about it,
and love my wife, but we haven't had a sexual relationship for over 10 years.
have always had an open marriage as musicians,but now that she's lost her sex
drive, and she's actually relieved not 2 have 2 battle with the conflicting
feelings and demons that still can haunt her, due at least partly 2 having been
molested as a pre-teen by step relatives many times, so i'm on my own looking 4
intimacy and have so much passion in me i need 2 share. i'm unbelieveably young
in every way for my age, and very oral (giving a woman oral makes me very high),
prefer 2 develop a relationship with a lover, but NEED and will have sex as
well, and, having been a musician, have engaged in many sexual situations
including group sex, although i should mention that i am straight, but am very
turned on by bi-sexual women. no longer able 2 get at least some of my passion
out! i need 2 get it out. i'm open 2 interesting, intelligent women i can learn
from and share ideas with.

Any men out there?

Do any men read this blog? Cause I could really use some help with the male psyche!

Here's the deal...

okcupid.com has a matching feature... kinda like "hot or not" where you rate people, but it's nice in that they only tell you if you BOTH rated each other highly.

I was fooling around a few days ago and rated a guy who lives 5 minutes away from me (and is totally my type!) as hot. I found him very much my type, and totally adorable (and did I mention he lives 5 minutes away from me!? NEVER happens. I live in the wilderness. I am, in fact, a voice crying in the wilderness... (oh, I crack myself up with that reference. Give yourself brownie points if you get it too!)

Well today I got a notice that this guy rated me highly too. And I saw that he looked at my profile both before & after he rated me. buuuuuttttt.....

He hasn't contacted me.

Why not? What gives?!?!

Yes, yes, I suppose I could contact him, but I kinda feel like I did that by "rating" him first.... and now it's his turn. When I rate someone after they've rated me (you can tell by the speed which the "You're hot!" email gets to you-- if it's immediate, they rated you first. If it takes awhile (or never!), you rated them first.)

Maybe this is overthinking it--- but I feel like if a guy likes me why wouldn't he contact me? (ESPECIALLY if he knows I already think he's cute?) I kinda feel if he doesn't like me enough to contact me himself it's not going to work for me to contact him. (Note-- this does not apply if I don't think he's noticed my profile, in which case I'll drop a line and say "Hi, I noticed your profile. It seems like we have a lot in common. If you're interested in getting to know me, feel free to be in touch!") But guys who have clearly seen my profile? And even more-- RATED ME HIGHLY? Seriously, just contact me already!

I'm kinda like singlegirl (and Npapaya... and well, pretty much every woman I know!) I can't STAND indecisive men! Now, I don't want someone to walk all over me or ignore my opinion, but for heaven's sake! Make a decision! Show a little gumption! Have some confidence!

I don't know. Maybe I'm going about this all wrong, because obviously my methods are not working. Any men out there have some advice? (well, and I'll welcome advice from the female peanut gallery as well!)

Wait... Is this a date?

You may be able to guess from the picture above where this is going... but I'll lead you down this path anyway!

I think I may have gone out on a date with a woman this weekend. "May?" you are asking yourself, "How can you not know?"

Indeed. How can I not. Well, there are some things that complicate this issue, and that is my position at work. I actually work with certain groups for the school I am associated with, and one of those groups is the GLBT alumni group. I have seen this woman at numerous events, and we were friendly, and eventually she friended me on facebook. I ran into her again recently at another event, and we chatted quite a bit, and she asked me about some opportunities for GLBT students on campus among other things. At the end of the night she said we should get together for coffee sometime. I said, "Sure," thinking she wanted to continue our discussion about GLBT programming, and that this was work related.

Well, we went and got coffee, and we had a lovely chat, but it wasn't about anything to do with programming-- the conversation was totally personal. And it dawned on me about half-way through... this is "getting to know you--tell me about your childhood" first date kind of stuff. ... Wait. IS this a date?

And I could have stopped her. I could have awkwardly dropped a line about, "Oh! My ex-BOYFRIEND..." or "This guy like..." BUT. But I didn't.

Why didn't I? Well, #1) I didn't think it was necessary. I could be overreacting-- after all-- "Tell me about your childhood" is the conversation you have when you're making friends with someone, right? And #2 ? Well, #2) is that I was kind of contemplating going with it....

I dated a few women in college (hell, who didn't? Right?) I'd rate myself about a 2 on the Kinsey scale. I'm totally not opposed to dating women, though as a general rule I'm more attracted to men. (Admittedly though, I like women butcher than this woman is... just like I tend to like my men to be effeminate. I know. I have ISSUES. What can I say....)

So, this may be all in my head. Or maybe not. I don't know. I do know that she's asked me to get together on 2 different occasions. SINCE YESTERDAY. That's more than friendly... right?

Small Town

I've mentioned before that I live in a small town. So small that it's not surprising to be constantly running into people I know. This morning though, things got a little excessive as I stepped off the bus and proceeded to run into one, two, three, and then four people that I knew-- all in quick succession. We stopped, we talked, (A good friend told me I had lipstick on my teeth. (It was a rough morning.))... and then all of a sudden....out of the corner of my eye...

I see Muckraker.

Muckraker, who should be in California, Muckraker.

He's walking maybe 20 feet away, and it's pretty unlikely that he didn't see me as he was walking in my direction, parallel to me. Yet, unlike the other four people I ran into he didn't cross the lawn to say hi, or even wave, or otherwise acknowledge my presence.

I was talking to Supergirl (traitorous Supergirl who tipped off the local media about something Muckraker has done, and now there's going to be an article about him written, only to torture me further) at the time and she asked if we should go over and say hi.

You'd be proud of my restraint. NO. If he couldn't even mention the fact that he's back in town, then I'm certainly not going to go chasing after him. Whatever. Schmuck! (In addition, he 'owes' me a bit of communication about something we went back and forth about, but I'm not going to remind him of it.... But I haven't forgotten! And he was the one who initiated that particular exchange....)

I know, this is all more than a little silly given that there's never been anything more than brief flirtation, but he's so fucking annoying, and he just gets under my skin.

*********************************************
In other news, Npapaya feels I should let Science Guy cool his heels for awhile, so I haven't responded to his last email. (There wasn't any real need to.) Just feel annoyed by him at the moment.

In other other news-
Have I mentioned I have a coffee date coming up? This is with a (different!) guy that I pseudo-stalked from eharmony. (pseudo-stalked because I don't subscribe to eharmony, but I found him in my company database, and contacted him that way. Apparently, I've started doing quite a bit of this... hmmmm....) So. We'll see. Hopefully he's less of a schmuck than Science Guy & Muckraker, both of whom are currently Schmuckety McSchmuckertons.

The problem.

Yes, Muckraker is the problem-- And a major reason why I can't focus my attentions on Science Guy.

I had hoped that the spring would be a time to exorcise Muckraker from my consciousness since he's away. And yet-- No! I keep getting news about him! (Damn you, facebook! Ok. Ok. I could hide his newsfeed, but it's rather sweet torture... and yes, I hate myself every time I click on his profile.)

I didn't expect to hear from him at all while he was away-- after all, he barely acknowledged my presence while he was here, so why on earth would he be in touch while he's gone? And yet, he has been. And we've been emailing back-and forth over the past few days.

And no-- it's not particularly personal or flirty or any indication of interest on his part-- I know that. Really I do. Yet the 5th grade girl inside me likes him so much that I can't help but go "Squeeeee!" when I see his message in my inbox. (Hm. that could be a metaphor for -- oh, forget it. nevermind.)

He asked me what I thought about something he'd written. And he asked if he could take a look at something I had written. I know neither of these things seems particularly meaningful, but my-ever hopeful self can't stop reading deeper meaning into it. Especially because this is out of character for him. And he really has no time to be doing this given his schedule at the moment. And he's showing an interest in something I've done.

I know I need to stop this... but this is part of the problem-- the unfiltered, unintentional, unbidden response when I hear from him, when I think of him. How do I stop what is completely unintentional to begin with?

As I told science guy this evening-- One of the reasons I love being with Science guy is that I always feel good about myself afterward. As for Muckraker? I always end up feeling unsure of myself afterward.

This is a problem. Not a world-altering, earth-shattering problem. Just a tiny, minuscule problem.

But to tell you the truth, I'm kind of sick of both of them right now. Science guy for his indecisiveness and ... well... Muckraker for his indecisiveness too, I guess.

I'm not content to sit around around and wait for either of them. I'm gonna keep doing what I do, and we'll see if anyone comes along for the ride. And if no one does? Well. That's ok too.

Men who Explain Things

I got a profile response today that left me absolutely laughing (and not in a good way!)

I picked my online dating profile name for a reason, because the name has a historical significance, and there's a body of literature pertaining to the name. (It's not Hypatia, but that name has significance as well.) The way my profile name is set up is to DIRECTLY reference the historical context of the name. (For Example-not just "Hypatia" but Hypatia_of_Alexandria --Note, this is not the name I use, but you get the gist.) There's really no confusion as to what I'm referencing.

And yet... I got an email that was very pompous in tone from a man who obviously considered himself quite erudite, explaining to me--at length-- what that name meant, and the history behind it, and the literature behind it, etc. etc. etc.

Dude. No date for YOU.

Bwhahaha! Honestly, why do men do this? And I have found that this is a gendered trait. I think women just aren't brought up to be this bombastically sure of themselves in this society.

The entire letter reminded me of a great article I read awhile back. Go read it. It's great.


"...the out-and-out confrontational confidence of the totally ignorant is, in my experience, gendered.

Men explain things to me, and to other women, whether or not they know what they're talking about. Some men. Every woman knows what I mean. It's the presumption that makes it hard, at times, for any woman in any field; that keeps women from speaking up and from being heard when they dare; that crushes young women into silence by indicating, the way harassment on the street does, that this is not their world. It trains us in self-doubt and self-limitation just as it exercises men's unsupported overconfidence. "

A bird in the hand was worth 2 in the ... nevermind.

I had decided to give Science Guy another shot. He's been very sweet, and I realized I really needed to give him more of a chance. Also, in the time we've been "just friends" I've come to enjoy his company.

So, I invited him to get together this weekend. We go back and forth making plans... I kinda flirty. More flirty than usual perhaps. Hey, I'm gonna give this a shot, right?!

He sends me a message shortly afterward. It says: "Hey, I don't want this to be awkward, but I just wanted to confirm that we're just getting together as friends, right? That's all I'm looking for right now."

Oooo. Burn.

My Response: "of course!" (Yeah Right.)

Well, I can't blame him. I didn't expect him to wait around forever. I'm not hurt by it actually, and I'm not bothered by it really... other than the fact that this means back to the cruel world of online dating. It stings a little, but the truth is I was feeling so-so about him this entire time... and no one wants to be someone's second choice, right? So it's probably just as well.

But damn! 2 months ago I had good prospects, and now I'm back to square one. This sucks.

Done! So, So, So, So, DONE!

Ok, so it's taken me awhile, (much longer, I admit, than it really ought to have!) to get to this point, but I realize I am DONE with muckraker..

Not a wishy-washy done, but a-- omifucking gawed, what could I ever have seen in him-- DONE.

Done, stick a fork in him, done.

Done, call the mortuary, done.

Done, (like I wish my final paper was,) DONE

SO FUCKING DONE!

What got me to this point (especially when even yesterday I was still kinda on the fence about him?)

There was a group dinner and then a formal this evening, which was very fun. Muckraker was there, but he was his usual sketchy self, and on top of that he was really quite rude-- interrupting his conversation with me whenever someone more interesting stopped by to chat. (yes, it's fine to include someone new in a conversation. It's fucking RUDE to turn your back on the person you were talking to and exclude them from the new conversation you're now having with someone who came up to join in the conversation!)

You'd think that would be enough for me to say, I'm done with this... but no... I stuck around for more conversation. As Muckraker saw this complete asshole walk by Muckraker asked me what I thought about him. Did I find him attractive?

Um. Hell to the NO. That dude is sketchy as as an etch-a-sketch and probably carrying a fair number of STDs as yet undiagnosed by modern medicine.

We then watched as a girl chased after the asshole... and we both knew those two had been hooking up for a time.

So Muckraker starts talking about how women always go for assholes and smooth talkers and what idiots women are... (I know, I know, right? At that point I was like- Wait. Am I being punked? You're talking about me, right? And my infatuation with you? And yes, apparently I'm an idiot.)

And then... the part where I almost laughed in his face... he starts talking about how much he hates those asshole guys because "Nice Guys®" (like him) never get the girl.

Ding ding ding ding ding! The bells are ringing! The lights are dawning! Muckraker identifies himself as a "Nice Guy®."

Freakin' A!

I get it now!

I understand!

Eureka!

The clouds have parted, the light is shining through!


If only he'd identified himself as a "Nice Guy®" at the beginning I would have known to stay miles, and miles, and miles away! All this time I was thinking he was a nice guy. You know, a guy who is actually nice. Not a "Nice Guy®"

So, What's the difference between a nice guy and a "Nice Guy®"?

Well, I'll let Divalion tell you, since she did such a great job of it:


There are two kinds of nice guys in the world. Or, perhaps more accurately, there is a spectrum of niceguyishness.

At one end, are the guys who are just pure and simple good guys, decent people, humanly flawed perhaps but nonetheless likable *and* lovable, caring and smart, who have a lot to offer. Ironically, these guys often do not realize just how wonderful they are and how much they are valued by the people around them, and sometimes they even suffer crippling shyness/low self-esteem. I am fortunate to know, and have known, and to be related to, an unusually high number of guys towards this end of the spectrum.

At the other end are the guys who identify as "nice guys", often quite loudly and defensively, and who believe themselves to be underappreciated martyrs; usually they don't understand why they never get the girl and have at least once in their lives bitterly uttered the phrase "Nice guys finish last" usually in reference to a female who isn't dating them. It is this latter group I shall be addressing.


They tend to befriend women in order to date them. Nice Guys don't usually just ask a woman out and at least make a pretext of friendship to use as a springboard. This is where they can get confused with actual nice guys, who tend to also befriend women before dating them, but the difference is that the genuine nice guy appreciates women as human beings and enters into friendships mostly for their own sake rather than working them as an angle. The Nice Guy, on the other hand, sees women mostly in sexual terms (although he will deny it or call it "romantic terms") but doesn't have a lot of success with the direct approach, so instead he puts on a charming, harmless face in order to befriend women with the expectation that she will reward his niceness and friendship with sex. It can be a subtle difference, but there are clues-- the Nice Guy tends to come on pretty strong as a friend, and often makes "joking" sexual comments that can be dismissed as not intended seriously if the woman doesn't respond to the come-on implied in it. He will hang his belief that you would make great friends on the smallest of compatibilities-- for example a shared interest in a band, which he makes an awful lot of hay out of. He may talk a lot about how victimized he's been by cruel ex-girlfriends in a ploy for sympathy.



...Most Nice Guys only fall for a fairly limited range of "hot" chicks. It's because women are all about the status for them, and they are out to prove something to the world. Some of them will deliberately only go after women who are fairly unattainable, if their martyr complex needs some care and feeding.

Nice Guys don't actually care what a woman wants, which is one of the keys to identifying a Nice Guy vs. a nice guy, and which runs directly counter to their most deeply held beliefs about themselves. They think that they are great, caring, compassionate partners; usually, they just want a captive audience. They don't have much respect for what her desires and preferences are unless they are for him, because if she wants something different than him, it is attributed to her dysfunction and desire to be treated badly by an asshole. They may spend some time with pick-up books and things that tell them how to get chicks, but they tend to follow the letter of the law and not the spirit. That's why he'll serenade you on a subway platform even though he knows you don't like to call attention to yourself, and then be hurt that you were uncomfortable and embarrassed by the display. He likes to make a big show out of being romantic and considerate, especially when others are watching, but he will still forget to pick up his socks even if you've told him you'd rather have a clean floor than roses delivered to your office.

The absolute key difference between a nice guy and a Nice Guy is that the nice guy truly likes and respects women and doesn't feel entitled to the attentions of any woman. The Nice Guy pretends to be that, but secretly he has decided that all women suck (usually for the sins of a couple of them), and he doesn't really care about anything so much as propping up his limp ego.


There are a lot of Nice Guys out there, and they are incredibly insidious, because on the surface they SEEM so sweet, so misunderstood, so very different from the boorish asshole who cheated on you or told you that those pants do, indeed, make your ass look fat. But in the end, they turn out to be using their "niceness" as an excuse to hide behind, much like medieval aristocracy used cloying perfumes to cover up the ass-stank of their unwashed bodies.


Thank you, Divalion, thank you. I'll leave you with one last word from her... Because this should be obvious, but somehow it's not.

I have some news for you, Nice Guys of the world. "Nice" isn't as much of a selling point as you'd think. In fact, for most women, it's like expecting that your new car will come with wheels attached.

What's the definition of insanity?

Oh yeah... isn't it doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different response?

So here's the deal... I'm probably, most likely, very certainly getting fired let go on Monday. It is what it is... nothing to be done about it... I am understandably more than a little anxious about this.

Muckraker (who has been MIA for the last week basically-- no shock there) shockingly stuck around after class to ask me and a couple other women to coffee. Yes, he extended that invitation to everyone- so no, I'm not reading anything into this as much as I would like to.

The other women weren't able to go so we ended up back in my office. Muckraker was his cagey self (I'm so over it) not telling me where he was going this weekend, simply that he was going out of town. In hindsight this particularly annoys me because when we got on the topic of my imminent firing and he asked how I felt about it, I flippantly replied, "I feel fantastic."

He was very serious and said, "Don't do that. I really want to know. I'm not in the mood for sarcasm today." (To which I should have replied "I'm not in the mood for your super shadiness today!") And so I was honest instead.

After he left though I got annoyed. Annoyed because this is what he always does-- he took control of the conversation. Yes, that's his job, but it really makes the power dynamics unequal. He gets real stuff from me.... and what do I get in exchange? Nothing. And I'm annoyed because I want to know the real stuff, and I'm annoyed because he does it so skillfully that it's not until after the fact that I realize he's done it. Even when I'm on the lookout for it, I miss it.... (and well, it doesn't take much prompting to get me talking... and talking... and talking.)

And so I know I should focus my energies on Science guy, who has continued to be very sweet and attentive and calling me and telling me that he'll look over my resume and cover letter. Science guy really seems to be a great guy.

Muckraker is probably less attractive than Science guy (or about the same), Muckraker is less polite, he's less interested in me, he's not nearly as open, he's ... well, not nearly as nice a guy as Science guy. My friends all like Science guy, and they all think Muckraker is a totally shady schmuck (and I agree.)

But I want Muckraker.

I have to say, this is probably the one time I'm glad that the universe is smarter than I am and not giving me what I want.