Better than I thought...

I had tea with my friend Nell today. We talked about a lot of stuff... (One of which, her brother, who is the subject of my next post...) including my coffee date this afternoon.

She rightly pointed out that with as enthusiastically as I was going into it, the poor guy didn't have a chance. (Which. DUH. Isn't that the point... ? Ha. Ok, ok, I know... my issues!)

So, as much as I felt trepidation about it, I decided to at least feign a good attitude.

And the date went well. Better than expected.

He was cute (if a bit shorter than I had expected... but, aren't they always?). He insisted on paying for my coffee, even though I had my wallet out and offered to pay for his. (So! Bonus points!)

He was polite in ways that count, and in ways that my mother would approve of... (For example, excusing himself when he coughed. Which is more than I expect of anyone, but indicates that he would excuse himself if he... oh, say... burped in my face. Which muckraker never did. Bleh. Let's not talk about him.... moving on.)

The conversation was a bit stilted at first, but that's to be expected.

One thing that did bother me a bit was that his eyes were darting all over the place when we talked. I took this as a sure sign of his disinterest... (I kept trying to check behind me to see if there was some unbelievably hot chick.)

He was a little hard to read-- there were a couple of red flags (ok, maybe pink flags...) He was talking about trying to find a new job-- which is fine-- except that he just started this job 10 months ago. And it's not like he's wanting to go into an entirely new field because he's burnt out or something, he wants to do the same thing-- only elsewhere. And apparently he's done the same thing in the last 2 jobs he's had.... suspicious.

He also talked about how his online profile wasn't filled out because he doesn't "DO" the online dating thing. (Except. You know. That he DOES. Because that's how we met... and he's gone out with other girls from the site.) But somehow his attitude that he wasn't one of THOSE people who NEEDED to date online really ticked me off. Like-- Dude? You're really not that much better than anyone else. Online dating is NOT for people who are maladjusted shut-ins. I just got the impression that he felt that he was too good-looking for it. Which-- he's not. (No one IS, but while he's not unattractive, he's not George Clooney either.)

On the other hand, the conversation flowed, and it seemed to warm up towards the end. He mentioned several times that he'd like to see me again. We had a couple good laughs.

All-in-all, one of the better coffee dates I've had.

I emailed to say I'd enjoyed meeting him and I'd be open to getting together again if he felt like it.

We'll see...

I can tell this is not going to end well...

.... So why am I bothering to go out on a coffee date?

*Sigh* Maybe because it's been since about January, I think, since I've met someone new? (Cause I was kind of obsessed with some fuckwits in between now and then. Let's not revisit that, shall we? Side Note: Muckraker is suddenly emailing again. Shocker.)

Now, call me pessimistic, but there are some warning signs here:

1) This dude is really overly complimentary when it comes to my looks. Like, that's what he focuses on to the exclusion of anything substantive. (And I am NOT that attractive...)

2) He once contacted Npapaya with the same M.O. (Very complimentary... and she IS that attractive... but I digress.) And then he disappeared off the face of the earth.

3) He is rather pushy about wanting me to email him/call him using my real accounts. No Way. Not until I know you're not a crazy stalker... and right now that's looking kinda suspect.

4) He's a kindergarten teacher. (Yes, yes. Call me sexist.... Bad feminist! Bad feminist! But... I find this... peculiar. And, shades of "To Catch a Predator..." But I'm obviously just jaded. Right?)

5) He's a kindergarten teacher... who can't spell/ doesn't know his homonyms. (I don't know which is worse.)

So. You know. Of course I told him I'd go out with him. Because I'm special like that.

Happy Monday!

Out of my league... in one way at least

I just got contacted by a guy on plenty of fish. (Now, mind you, I just keep a profile up there for blog fodder purposes these days because most of those guys on there are CRAZY.)

This guy's email was short, and nice, and used proper grammar--all pluses! So I wandered over to his profile.

His profile was actually quite good in the written section (and we know how hard that can be!) Funny, introspective, not-overly high on himself, yet illustrating his good qualities. All in all, yes, I would respond to this person. (Though, he doesn't have a college education, which is something I find problematic. Classist perhaps, but there you have it.)

And then the pictures....

This guy is good looking. Like, really, really ridiculously good looking.



Yet, the problem is that he's stereotypically good looking-- out of my league good looking. Not really my type because these guys tend to be incredibly shallow and want to date supermodels- good looking.

I know, I know... I can't fault the guy for being ridiculously good looking, right? But can I fault him for the cheesy zoolander-esque pictures at least? Of him in a wifebeater... of him riding a horse bareback... of him weight lifting... of him extreme skiing... of him mountain climbing...of him on the cover of a skiing magazine... of him looking strongly off in the distance with his cleft chin jutting out as he stands atop a mountain? Seems a bit... much.

Especially as I am just about the least athletic person you could possibly meet. If fact, I'm ashamed to say that I am a complete couch potato & a junk food junkie... (And more that a little plump. No need to be crane lifted out of my house... but there you have it.)

And so, I'm really surprised a guy like that would contact me... especially since I haven't updated my POF profile in a long time-- and I realized that the picture of me on there is of me about 20+ pounds heavier than I am now... and yet he still contacted me. And his profile actually makes mention of the fact that even though he's athletic, he's not necessarily looking for the same thing. Huh.

Interesting.

So, you'll be glad to know that I didn't hold his ridiculously good looks against him, and I told him we could get together when he comes back to town.

To leave you with some idea of how out there he is... here's a video of the type of skiing he does. (Extreme heli-skiing)



I can already tell you this is going to go nowhere... but it should be an interesting meeting in any case.

No, that was NOT a good joke.

HI and hello,how are you? you are a funny girl i like that. you have very pretty green
eyes. i love a good joke. i was just wondering what your age limit was, cuz otherwise i
should be contacting your mom right? lol! i didn't know how this plenty of fish works,
but i would like to leave you my contact number if i could. if you would like to talk, its
XXX-XXX-XXXX. i wold love to hear one of your good jokes! Oh and the dishes thing,
i got stuck doing that all my life, so i am use to that. o.k i have a joke. what dose a
pair of panty hose,and the Taliban have in common? they both bother bush!!! i hate
george bush,i wish that shoe would of nailed him in the mouth! anyways hope to hear
from you, and i hope that it was a good joke. take care!

Really? You "Sware"?

"hi there have a ?? for you?? were you in kmart tonight??? i sware i saw you...."

No, no you didn't. And I will not be going to Kmart EVER AGAIN.

Your regularly scheduled programming:

or... "So, why precisely did you contact me???"

Received today:

Hi-
I am not a feminist, I'm a take charge alpha male...is that a poroblem?
You should have a positive attitude, be educated, intellegent[sic], and believe in Jesus. Please no : single moms, convicted felons, liars, drugs, party girls, or mental disabilities. If by chance you are one out of 100 girls who passes that rigorous criteria, you must be attractive as well. I prefer girls who are taller than me [yes, he is short], and who have long hair, ( but I will consider others )[wow... how special of him].



By the way, his profession was listed as "Actor/Lawyer/Bartender." Haaawwwwt! How can I contain myself???

I don't care HOW "open" your relationship is...

... Just, NO!

Subject line: Howdy!

Hi. I am married and in an open relationship. My wife and I love each other and are devoted to one another and to our family. We are best friends: more like bro and sis then lovers. We have set each other free to date other people. My wife is currently involved with another guy. She is happy, and so am I.

Um... No. Just. No. In fact, I think there are websites specifically set up for people into swinging. Maybe you should check one of THOSE out.

Raise your hand if you don't know why THIS guy is single!!!

BWahahahahahaha! Omigawed! I'm laughing so hard... PHew! Hahahaha!

Got the most (inadvertently) hilarious email today. This guy seems to think he's God's Gift to women.

I think I know why he's single. Can YOU spot why he's single???

BWAHAHAHA!!!

{wiping tears of laughter away}

Enjoy:


Headline: I am Exceptional, Decisive, and Sophisticated

Message:
Maybe we should think about getting together and doing something sometime. Even if it was just short-term dating.

(Wow! Thanks for that offer! That's swell of you! Letting me know ahead of time that you want me for short-term dating. SWEET! I'll totally rush to take you up on that.)

And there's more! (Why wouldn't there be!??!)



I made a decision that I'm only going to let one girl as anything more than a friend into my life at a time. This happened after meeting someone super duper special and deciding that I needed to slow down tremendously.

I've met a lot of girls lately. For awhile, it was just about falling for whoever had their arms open and wanted me. The truth is that now, particularly with who I've evolved into, I've realized that I'm a lot better than that.

So what you, as a viewer need to know is that I am not seeing anyone right now as anything more than a friend and that if you would like to include yourself in that group of friends who might become something more, that would be nice.

I'll talk to you because I don't discriminate until I get to know a person.
You'll find that I am everything I say I am (honest, sophisticated, exciting, romantic, funny, confident and exceptional in many ways) .

Maybe we'll instant message or exchange emails for a little bit before I ask to talk on the phone.
Maybe we'll talk on the phone or text each other before I ask to see you.
Maybe we'll meet up and I'll have a great time before we go on a date.
Maybe we'll go on a date or two before the emotion starts to overtake at which point I'll either tell you that I want to just stay friends or ask whether you want to be the girl in my life.
And if you're lucky, you'll have a choice to make.
And if you're special, you'll make me happy.



Hmmmm... Doesn't this guy remind you of Dimitri?

Yeah, there's TOTALLY nothing wrong with this guy.... Bwhahaha!

Personals: ur doin it rite...

A pretty good one today... Made me smile, profile was cute, and so was this email...

I read your profile and it was pretty funny. I loved the pics too (that's my way of saying you're cute). Do you need a snow shoveler too? How about a bug squisher and a jar opener?

I think this one gets an answer. We shall see...

Well, with all that to recommend you,

.. How could I say "No"?

hi how are you i am 37 i have afull time job and own my own car and home

Because I'm obviously smitten with your conversational skills

Yes, this was the entire message:


Interested.??

Male
New York
age 18:
please respond with answer.


Oooo, yeah baby. Sweet talk me!

In addition? 18 years old?!?! Ummm... no.

Scary, not sexy!

Subject line: Take away love, and our Earth is a Tomb

Message: HI,

I just came across your profile, and find you
very attractive. I hardly thought that there
existed such a woman outside the picture frame,or the covers of a romance nove. Call me! {user name)

10 messages too many...

I was contacted by a guy a few weeks ago. He seemed fairly cute and reasonable in his profile on Yahoo. I don't subscribe to yahoo, but that's not usually a problem. When I'm contacted by someone I like, I usually send back a free "wink" and the person on the other end usually gets the hint and sends back their email address.

So, that's what I did with this guy. And he didn't get the hint. And now I'm sooooo glad he didn't. Because I sure as hell now know why he's single!

10 messages in two weeks. TEN!!!!to someone who has never written you back! Each message increasing in intensity and craziness! TEN! Each message getting longer and longer about how we're soulmates and destined to be together and how he only has to look into my eyes (um... on the fucking computer screen!) to know it!

SCARY! Thank god we didn't ACTUALLY meet! Or communicate! I can practically see the Lifetime movie of the week now... "She thought he was prince charming, but he was the devil in disguise... he thought she was his soulmate, he could see it in her eyes... Dangerous Love, Fatal Obsession this week... only on Lifetime..."


There is an awful lot of crazy out there in the world, let me tell you!

Wow! You're such a catch!

I am a take charge kind of guy with a dominant personality. I love life and I have a positive attitude regardless of circumstances. I am charismatic and humorous. I am emotionally available, and I know how to please a woman.I am more dominant than submissive in the bedroom, and I like to talk dirty, role play, and fantasize. You should be an alpha female who may be dominant in her life , but who submits to her man outside of the bedroom. You should have a positive attitude,be humorous, and be educated ( or self-taught ),intelligent, and enjoy sex often. Please : don't have children that live with you, be a convicted felon, do drugs, be a party girl, or have a mental disability ( been there, done that ). If you smoke, be willing to quit ( I did, I'll show you how to). If you are overweight be willing to loose the weight ( I did, I'll show you how to ). Please be willing to dress sexy with make-up in private for my eyes only. Finally, this is not a sex ad, if that's all you want, please find someone else. Thank you for reviewing my ad.

Who can resist a guy like that, huh? Ooo baby! Sign me up!

Not...so...impressive...

From NPapaya. Though I'm sorry for her crappy options, I'm glad they give me fodder for the blog!

"Hey, lady, wanna armwrestle?"

In a potentially further inversion of traditional gender roles, let me tell you that i probably have spent more time cooking than you have. I have yet to meet a woman whose cooking is better than mine. Does that sound immodest? No matter: it's true! I get down. But i would not object to hanging out with someone who cooks well. For all i know, you cook very well. Just not better than i do (i am trying to exhibit my "boldness/assertiveness," so that you can check that off of your list).

Cheesier than Velveeta

Can you give me directions to your heart? Because I seem to be lost in your eyes.

All "expensive" paid? Sure, just let me pack my bag!

I think this may be my favorite email that I've ever received from a complete nutjob stranger!


i like that u straight forward i'm ali i 'd love to meet u if u like to visit tampa al expensive paid for if interested hit me up bye

What do you think? Should I take him up on his offer???

You tell me what's wrong with this email!

hi-
After reading your profile, I think we may have alot in common and would like to get to know you.
What I have to offer is I am nice, handsome, happy, funny, trustworthy, kind, not-boring, not afraid of commitment, responsible but fun, and giving person. I am disease and drug free, and hold down a great job. I am looking for a NICE girl, and hopefully a future committment.
I hope to hear back from you, so we can start a great friendship.- randomguy

Now, I'm sure that this guy thinks this is a perfectly reasonable first email to send to someone. On the surface, there's not really anything that wrong with it... and yet... it kinda squicks you out, doesn't it?

Let's figure out why:

1) Listing of good attributes. This doesn't tell me what you're really like-- this tells me how you think about yourself. And this tells me you love yourself and AWFUL lot. Also? Telling me you're trustworthy doesn't make me trust you. In fact, it does the opposite. Trustworthy people don't go around telling everyone how much they should trust them. They kind of assume everyone is trustworthy until it's proven otherwise. That you feel the need to TELL me you're trustworthy pretty much tells me you're not.

2) You're doing what you're supposed to be doing!-- Which is- being drug & disease free, and holding down a job! Wow! you want a cookie? Congratulations. Similarly to above, people who have their shit together don't feel the need to point out they have their shit together.

3) Baggage! Saying you want a "NICE" girl (in all caps mind you!) screams "I have unresolved issues! I'm going to be mistrustful and take out my misplaced anger on you!" Sweet! Who doesn't want to sign up for that deal!

Any I missed...? I'm sure there are several. Seriously guys!? Why do you do this? Do you have NO social skills?

... sigh ...

From NPapaya... Good times, good times... reminds me of some dates I had not too long ago...

(Also reminds me not to be so dismissive of Atlas. I'll admit that I'm gowning fonder of Atlas the more I think about him. Not ready to give up on him just yet.)



Recently someone looked at my online profile, but hadn't contacted me. This
happens a lot and to be honest, most of the time I am glad they just kept on
truckin'. But this one didn't look so bad and he lived nearby. The downside -
kind of old by my standards for dating :46 (I'm 33).Not being super picky these
days I email him and he responds immediately. We make a plan to meet for coffee.
The night before I take another look at his profile to remind myself what he
said about himself. I take note of his height which I apparently glossed over
before: 5'6". Huh. Missed that one. I'm not quite 5'5" and I prefer someone
tall, but as long as you're taller than me we're in good shape.

When he arrives for our coffee date I am thinking - he is short. I mean, I'm
wearing nearly flats and looking him in the eye. But he does look like his
profile which means he's not bad looking, but I'm not ready to suggest we get a
room.

Next thought: poor guy, he's got something stuck in his teeth. Bummer on a first
date. We sit and chat. He smiles a lot which is good and bad. Good because it
shows he has a cheery disposition. Bad because it is clear he does not have
something stuck in his teeth. He has rotting teeth. 4 words: Veneers are your
friend.

More chatting ensues and I am aware of doing my own song and dance routine with
little audience participation. Oh, he's answering questions beautifully with
some detail, a few stories. But he's not dishing it back. I am exhausted looking
at his bad teeth and trying to think of things to ask him. Then I notice 2 of
his fingers have some sort of nail fungus and are oddly short. The freak show
must end.

As we leave I notice he is not the same height as me with my shoes on. So, he's
probably closer to 5'4" than he wants to admit. A fairly nice man to be sure,
but this was too much even for me and my new "baseline" standards. I fled.

Actually, I think you might be better off meeting my friend...

...proper grammar!

hey i just want to say that ur sexy and pretty and i like the way u smile, i will really like to know u more better if you dont mind