You tell me what's wrong with this email!

hi-
After reading your profile, I think we may have alot in common and would like to get to know you.
What I have to offer is I am nice, handsome, happy, funny, trustworthy, kind, not-boring, not afraid of commitment, responsible but fun, and giving person. I am disease and drug free, and hold down a great job. I am looking for a NICE girl, and hopefully a future committment.
I hope to hear back from you, so we can start a great friendship.- randomguy

Now, I'm sure that this guy thinks this is a perfectly reasonable first email to send to someone. On the surface, there's not really anything that wrong with it... and yet... it kinda squicks you out, doesn't it?

Let's figure out why:

1) Listing of good attributes. This doesn't tell me what you're really like-- this tells me how you think about yourself. And this tells me you love yourself and AWFUL lot. Also? Telling me you're trustworthy doesn't make me trust you. In fact, it does the opposite. Trustworthy people don't go around telling everyone how much they should trust them. They kind of assume everyone is trustworthy until it's proven otherwise. That you feel the need to TELL me you're trustworthy pretty much tells me you're not.

2) You're doing what you're supposed to be doing!-- Which is- being drug & disease free, and holding down a job! Wow! you want a cookie? Congratulations. Similarly to above, people who have their shit together don't feel the need to point out they have their shit together.

3) Baggage! Saying you want a "NICE" girl (in all caps mind you!) screams "I have unresolved issues! I'm going to be mistrustful and take out my misplaced anger on you!" Sweet! Who doesn't want to sign up for that deal!

Any I missed...? I'm sure there are several. Seriously guys!? Why do you do this? Do you have NO social skills?

... sigh ...