Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Any men out there?

Do any men read this blog? Cause I could really use some help with the male psyche!

Here's the deal...

okcupid.com has a matching feature... kinda like "hot or not" where you rate people, but it's nice in that they only tell you if you BOTH rated each other highly.

I was fooling around a few days ago and rated a guy who lives 5 minutes away from me (and is totally my type!) as hot. I found him very much my type, and totally adorable (and did I mention he lives 5 minutes away from me!? NEVER happens. I live in the wilderness. I am, in fact, a voice crying in the wilderness... (oh, I crack myself up with that reference. Give yourself brownie points if you get it too!)

Well today I got a notice that this guy rated me highly too. And I saw that he looked at my profile both before & after he rated me. buuuuuttttt.....

He hasn't contacted me.

Why not? What gives?!?!

Yes, yes, I suppose I could contact him, but I kinda feel like I did that by "rating" him first.... and now it's his turn. When I rate someone after they've rated me (you can tell by the speed which the "You're hot!" email gets to you-- if it's immediate, they rated you first. If it takes awhile (or never!), you rated them first.)

Maybe this is overthinking it--- but I feel like if a guy likes me why wouldn't he contact me? (ESPECIALLY if he knows I already think he's cute?) I kinda feel if he doesn't like me enough to contact me himself it's not going to work for me to contact him. (Note-- this does not apply if I don't think he's noticed my profile, in which case I'll drop a line and say "Hi, I noticed your profile. It seems like we have a lot in common. If you're interested in getting to know me, feel free to be in touch!") But guys who have clearly seen my profile? And even more-- RATED ME HIGHLY? Seriously, just contact me already!

I'm kinda like singlegirl (and Npapaya... and well, pretty much every woman I know!) I can't STAND indecisive men! Now, I don't want someone to walk all over me or ignore my opinion, but for heaven's sake! Make a decision! Show a little gumption! Have some confidence!

I don't know. Maybe I'm going about this all wrong, because obviously my methods are not working. Any men out there have some advice? (well, and I'll welcome advice from the female peanut gallery as well!)

Monday, May 25, 2009

I found my perfect match...! oh. wait...

I'm very amused...
I've been spending time on okcupid tonight and I hit the "quickmatch" button. For some reason it was set to "girls who like guys" and I didn't notice before I hit send.

Who did I end up matched with? With 91% compatibility? Npapaya.


The other amusing part about this? I've never found a guy that matches me with that high a percentage on okcupid!

However... There is a somewhat promising prospect who just contacted me on there-- and we match at 90%. Not bad! Highest I've been matched with so far! (and he's Quebecois, which Npapaya will hate, but which is an important plus for me!) Reading his profile it seems like I could have written it!

The slight problems?

Distance. 200+ miles. Ugh.

Height. 5'8... (And, given that it's pretty universal that men lie about their heights (women about their weights) he's probably more like 5'6.)

Kinky: I think he's into S&M....based on some quiz questions he listed as "important") (I'm not. I've never tried it, but-- meh.
Doesn't seem like it would do much for me.)

Well. Given that I was swearing off dating only a few hours ago, maybe I should kick this one to the curb????

Ok, ok. Just kidding. We'll see where it goes....

Now, I just need obama to speed up that high speed transit project that is supposed to go through my town and up to Montreal! That would TOTALLY help out my dating life! Do me a favor and write to your senators, will you???

It's personal, myself & I got some straightening out to do

Sometimes I post prolifically. Sometimes I'm just not in the mood.

The past few weeks have been a "just not in the mood" kind of instance due to a combination of factors... School/New Job/(OLD job!)/lack of dating life/sorting through personal issues.

The sorting through personal issues stems from the class I'm taking at the moment, some of which has to do with eating disorders, and it brought up a whole spate of issues in my own life-- things that I have never really been able to resolve, though I try valiantly (at least, I think so....)

I was recently contacted by someone on okcupid who seemed nice enough, if a bit far away (2 hours.) We started corresponding, but then I forgot to write back to him.


Npapaya asked me how things were going with this guy, and I realized that I'd forgotten to get back to him. (I promptly wrote & apologized.) Npapaya asked me, "Are you really sure you want to be dating?"

She intended it in jest (I think. Maybe.) ... but, thinking about it? I don't know that I do right now.

I'm rather exhausted by the entire thing-- the weeding out the creeps-getting to know you-first date- kinda thing. And I despair at ever finding anyone, and I think to myself, "Why am I wasting so much time on this when I have so many other things going on in my life?"

Is my head in the right place for dating right now? Probably not, especially since I don't feel very good about myself, and that's certainly not an attractive quality in a potential partner. (I try to hide it, but I know it seeps out around the corners...)

So I mentioned to Npapaya that I might give up dating for awhile. Say, 6 months or so.

She raised her eyebrow in that way she does when she thinks I've just said something crazy and she replied, "And what would that look like exactly? How would that be different from what you're doing now?"


Basically all it would involve is not being online/responding to emails.... since really, the last guy I went out on a "first" date with? Was Science guy. And that was back in October. (Yes, there were some dates (and many non-dates) since then.... but really. Think about that. Haven't met a SINGLE NEW DATING PROSPECT IN PERSON SINCE OCTOBER.))


Some of this has to do where we live (ie Nowheresville.) and some of it has to do with my pickiness (ie- must be over 5'8 and be employed in a job that requires a modicum of intelligence.) and some of it has to do with.... well, let's be honest. Me.

Cause the common denominator in all my failed (or non-starter) relationships is ME. Right?

And I'm sorta ok with that, because I know I can be difficult. I recognize that I push people away because I find myself pretty unlovable most of the time. And so those non-starter relationships? That's totally my fault.... I dump people before they have a chance to dump me.

Thinking back on it actually I realize that I rarely am the one that is dumped. (In fact, I can only think of one time-- The IT guy who told me he "Just wasn't that into me" after walking me to my door for a non-kiss.)... I usually am the one high-tailing it out of there before anyone has a chance to get rid of me.

And yes, I'm in therapy and working on my issues.... as Fergie would say, Myself & I got some straightening out to do....

So... do I give up on love in the meantime? I don't know. Would giving up on looking for love look much different from what I'm doing right now? Probably not.

Monday, May 11, 2009

Things could always be worse!

Things could always be worse! I could be dating this asshole!


Back on the Personals dating front!

Yes, I'm back on-- a little more active than usual.

I have one somewhat promising prospect from okcupid (though it appears from his profile he has at least one child, which always makes me wary. Don't know if I'm up for that at this point-- but we'll see.)

I also have some (MANY!) not so promising prospects from plenty of fish! Here are some of my favorites!

(Gosh- they seem like keepers, don't they? I can't imagine why they're single!)

hi sweetie iam bob32 and i have a sonhe is 5 iam a man w a job 16 yrs as a cook at collage.i dont play games ,i know how to love and treat alady iget hurt becuse iam nice iopen doors and little things yes i do dishes iam a cook ,i also can pamper u open a door and i respect u as a lady ,iamoutgoing welll iam onyahooo love to chat bob

Gee Bob! You sure know how to sweet talk the ladies!

And another:

u like 2 chat? I like sex. How big r ur boobs?

Super HAWT!

Saturday, May 9, 2009

Telling myself stories

I like a good story, a good "how we met" story, an "it was meant to be" kind of story.

And I can't keep from telling myself these stories when I'm contemplating the prospect of meeting someone new.... I keep thinking-- "OH! Is this when FATE will come knocking at my door!? This time it is TOTALLY IT!" (I know it's ridiculous, believe me, I know-- but years of indoctrination from Disney movies has a powerful lasting effect, in spite of myself!)

So even though I know it's RIDICULOUS... this is what went through my head when my friend Patrick recently told me his handsome & talented friend Max--who works for the government, and comes from the same cultural background I do-- is coming to visit him.

For your enjoyment, the stages of my brain:

1) My conversation with Patrick:
Oooo. Single guy?
Awesome. Is he cute?
"Yes, one of the most brilliant men I know."
Is he tall?
My brain: SCORE! Also---1a) I hope he has a fetish for plump women!

2) Max. I like the name Max. I can picture myself saying his name in bed. His last name? I try it on for size with my first name a few times. Yes. I like it.

3) He works in government, huh? Oooo. I always wanted to be the first lady. Awesome.

4) He speaks French? Great! Sign me up. Our kids will have the cutest accents.

And finally...

5) Do you think it's too early to send out the wedding invitations? Probably, huh?

Yes, I am in fact a crazy person! Thanks for asking....! :-P

Wait... Is this a date?

You may be able to guess from the picture above where this is going... but I'll lead you down this path anyway!

I think I may have gone out on a date with a woman this weekend. "May?" you are asking yourself, "How can you not know?"

Indeed. How can I not. Well, there are some things that complicate this issue, and that is my position at work. I actually work with certain groups for the school I am associated with, and one of those groups is the GLBT alumni group. I have seen this woman at numerous events, and we were friendly, and eventually she friended me on facebook. I ran into her again recently at another event, and we chatted quite a bit, and she asked me about some opportunities for GLBT students on campus among other things. At the end of the night she said we should get together for coffee sometime. I said, "Sure," thinking she wanted to continue our discussion about GLBT programming, and that this was work related.

Well, we went and got coffee, and we had a lovely chat, but it wasn't about anything to do with programming-- the conversation was totally personal. And it dawned on me about half-way through... this is "getting to know you--tell me about your childhood" first date kind of stuff. ... Wait. IS this a date?

And I could have stopped her. I could have awkwardly dropped a line about, "Oh! My ex-BOYFRIEND..." or "This guy like..." BUT. But I didn't.

Why didn't I? Well, #1) I didn't think it was necessary. I could be overreacting-- after all-- "Tell me about your childhood" is the conversation you have when you're making friends with someone, right? And #2 ? Well, #2) is that I was kind of contemplating going with it....

I dated a few women in college (hell, who didn't? Right?) I'd rate myself about a 2 on the Kinsey scale. I'm totally not opposed to dating women, though as a general rule I'm more attracted to men. (Admittedly though, I like women butcher than this woman is... just like I tend to like my men to be effeminate. I know. I have ISSUES. What can I say....)

So, this may be all in my head. Or maybe not. I don't know. I do know that she's asked me to get together on 2 different occasions. SINCE YESTERDAY. That's more than friendly... right?

Sunday, May 3, 2009

What a girl wants... (Or, well, at least THIS particular girl.)

I've been MIA for the past week or so for a few reasons-- Partly because there's really nothing going on on the dating front (other than a few lovely IMs from guys asking how big my boobs are. Hawt!)

I haven't heard from Science Guy since that exchange detailed below, and it's probably just as well. He was nice enough, if fairly immature, and I am not content to sit around and wait for him to grow up. (As for Muckraker? Over him, really, I am.)

arf asked if I had detailed what it is I want, either in this blog or elsewhere. My diary (when I used to keep one!) is probably elsewhere, but not very useful for these circumstances.

First of all, I'm looking for someone who finds all my super annoying traits terribly endearing. I know! You'd think this would be simple, but apparently, it's not!

I'm looking for someone who would be a really good friend.... Because, really, if you don't LIKE the person you're dating, what's the point? (Though, heaven knows I know a great number of people who don't seem to get this!)

I won't bore you with the litany of things that are (or should be) universally looked for in a mate: Kindness, thoughtfulness, empathy, generosity of spirit, loyalty, smart, funny, attractive (to me), passionate about life/work/hobbies... and then of course there has to be chemistry-- a certain je ne sais quoi.

OH. Yeah. One more thing. This person has to find ME attractive and feel all those similar things towards me! (Yeesh! I've got the unrequited love thing down. Don't need to go down that road again.)

So, that's a simple list. You'd think that I'd have no problem finding someone to match that criteria-- there are probably a million people who would match that criteria (yes, but do they live in Podunk, USA? Probably not.) There's also that little caveat of "attractive to me."

Now, I think most of my friends would acknowledge that I am actually quite generous in what constitutes "attractive to me"-- quite a range... but as general guidelines -

1) Taller than I am. (I'm 5'8 and for some reason men who are 5'6 and smaller seem to loooovvvvee me.) This probably makes me quite shallow, but I have a hard time picturing myself "matching" with someone terribly short.)
2) Good teeth. (Or, at least-- HAS teeth.)
3) No 'weak' chin.

Annnnndddd..... that's pretty much it.

As for what an ideal relationship would look like? Well, I have a pretty good model for that. The problem is that my model is a sexless model, so it's not ideal... But then again, what is? I lived with my friend-- we'll call him Polyglot, for awhile when I was in college. Now, he is as gay as a lark, but he is also the only person I've ever lived with that I've not gotten sick of or wanted to strangle. There was always a comfortable comraderie there, but he always pushed me to be a bit better than I was, to try new things, and he also wouldn't let me get away with crap. We would cook dinner together, and make bread, and explore the city we were living in, and talk openly and honestly about absolutely everything. And I looked forward to seeing him everyday. Yeah, we had fights, and he got on my nerves at times, but we fought fair, and we always made up, and we were always better friends for it. So-- My ideal relationship? Looks an awful lot like that. (Except with sex. Lots of sex. :-)

I don't know if that anwers your question, and I don't know how helpful it is either given that it's what just about everyone is looking for in a relationship.