Dress Dilemmas

Hello again interweb friends!

This dress stuff is STRESSING ME OUT! Isn't this supposed to be fun? Well, it's not. Let me tell you, it's NOT!

The first reason it's not fun is that since I'm a "plus-sized" girl most stores carry 2-4 dresses in my size and the rest of the time I have to shimmy into a size 14 or so and get an "idea" of what it will look like. Well, here's a clue-- anytime you shimmy into a dress that is 3 sizes too small you will look like SHIT. And not want to buy that dress!

The other reason it's not fun is that dresses in my price range (technically $500... but it's been creeping upwards at an alarming pace...eek!) feel like they're made of shower curtain fabric. Given that I'm going to be wearing this in the middle of August and sweating up a storm this is probably not a good idea.

Another reason it's not fun is that while I can be in the store and say -- this dress is the best of the 4 "plus" size dresses that are available to me-- my mother, and aunt, and grandmother, and bridesmaids live all across the country (and in other continents.) So all they have to go on are the pictures.

When they tell me-- oh, this one looks terrible, that one looks terrible, I hate the hat, I love the hat, I hate that color, I hate beading, I love beading, that one looks like a nightgown, that one looks like a slip, that one has too much rouching, that one doesn't have enough rouching... etc, etc... (and believe me, there are a million etcs!) you can imagine that it does not make me a happy camper.

I really want people to see a dress and have it be so CLEARLY the stand-out winner that everyone says, "THAT'S THE ONE!"

And yet... the more people I ask for opinions, the more differing opinions I get!

Everyone also says, "It's your wedding! Wear what you feel comfortable in! Wear what you want!"

Well, when people tell you, "Oh, that dress is fugly." And that's the dress you wanted... and that person is your mother. Yeah. Good luck ever feeling comfortable in that dress again, right?

So, I was thinking about getting a dress made. (Esp. because the fabric-- even on the expensive dress ($700)-- was terrible.)

I met with a seamstress/designer yesterday... and whooo let me tell you. That was an ExPeRiEnCe. She was a very nice woman, very friendly-- VERY talkative... (too much, I have to say...) She was also more than a bit wacky. Within 5 minutes of meeting her she was telling me about her polyamourous lifestyle, crystal healing, etc... I'm sure you can picture it.

She quoted me $1500 to make me a dress (in beautiful silk). Well, on the one hand I was a bit relieved that it was out of my price range-- not because I didn't want to work with her, but because I was nervous about having a dress made anyway. At least with a store bought dress you know what you're getting from the get-go. With a specially made dress, if you don't like it-- you're shit out of luck.

So, I thanked her, told her it was out of my range... and figured that would be that.

Well, during our conversation I mentioned that I had taken costume design in college and she called me today to offer me a deal-- $800-- materials & labor, and all fittings included, if I worked at her shop (70hours-- $10/hour) in exchange for her making me the dress.

Part of me is tempted. Custom dress? Better fabric? Check & Check. The unknown scares me... the kookiness scares me... being beholden to someone scares me... not being able to have free time for 3-4 months scares me!

I feel like the seamstress is the type to get very emotionally attached and invested and if I piss her off in some way it would NOT be good. I also prefer to keep transactions like that financial so there's no confusion about boundries.

On the other hand... a custom dress... in silk! It is very tempting.

I'm not sure what to do.

I'm trying on more dresses on Friday but I think it's just going to be a variation of what I've tried on so far. There was one dress that jumped out at me (can you tell which one it is...???) but it has not been the favorite of my friends & family, which has been discouraging.

HELP!

Dress Poll #2

Hello everyone- Sorry for the wonky layout of these pictures... Blogger is acting up and I don't have the patience to fix it, so hopefully you can follow along!

Here's another poll--

#1) What do you think of the hat (above)?


Dress # 5 - Back

Dress # 5 Front








Dress # 6 Back

Dress # 6 Front-- (Now, I will tell you that Jedi has voiced a strong preference against anything asymmetrical... So, I'm thinking that I may have to keep to that.)





Finally, Dress #7 (Which can come in white on top or other colors.)


Thoughts? I have lots more to tell you about dresses-- and how trying to find one makes me want to kill myself-- but that's for another post.

Moderate comments?

Hmmm... I've been thinking that I should maybe start moderating comments.

I don't want to discourage people from commenting but at the same time I'm starting to get a fair bit of spam (which I think also discourages people from commenting if I'm not fast enough at removing it.)

What say you internet folks?

Worst Blogger Ever!

Wow! Practically a whole month since I've updated! Am I trying to drive what few readers I have away, or what? I'm really sucking at this blogging thing at the moment... and I don't even have an excuse like a thesis to fall back on anymore either! (Can I blame the heat wave? I feel totally lethargic!)


I guess maybe is that part of the reason I'm not writing is that I don't feel like I have much to say these days! My life is calm and not angsty which doesn't make for great reading, eh? I mean it's angsty in the sense of ... "I don't know what I'm going to do with my life..." but there's not much I can do about that right now, especially as I think it's only fair to let Jedi complete his Associates, which he will hopefully do in the fall.

Well, all the stuff about money got cleared up. Everyone is contributing a modest amount, so back to kumbaya and all that!


I suppose I can tell y'all about wedding planning, eh? I'm doing my best not to talk to people in-person about it because there's nothing more boring than someone else's wedding... I'm aware of this!

I'm trying to do the wedding with the most minimal fuss and planning possible. I scoff- (SCOFF I tell you!)- at theknot.com's planning checklist! So much pointless stuff! So redundant!

But here are the things we have:
Rings!
Attendants!
Church!
Reception Space!
Caterer!
Invitations!

(I'm particularly proud about the invitation one! I'd been freaking out about the cost of invitations.. (so pointless for something people are just going to throw away!)... The cheapest ones I found were $1.44 each! And that was if you bought over 200 of them! Eegads. And that was not including reply cards or anything like that. But... Yeah! I was at my local super store this past weekend and right there on the end of the clearance aisle was an entire section of WEDDING STUFF! yippee, right? They had boxes of 50 invitations marked down to $10! They included all the envelopes, reply cards, ribbons, vellum, etc. Sweet! So, we got three boxes!

.... and then over the weekend I changed my mind for the style we originally picked out... and I panicked... and I went out and bought 3 boxes of a different style (but they were still on clearance, and I can return the others... so still not bad!) But that was my little Bridezilla moment. Jedi was slightly annoyed-- Mostly because I kept asking him, "Are you SURE you like these ones?" YES! "But I mean, are you REALLY sure? Or just KINDA sure?!"

Incidentally-- We've decided to do without reply cards. Is that terribly gauche of us? I just feel like it's an added mailing expense (both coming and going) that is unnecessary. We have a website where people can register online and we'll have the phone number up as well where people can RSVP. So, is this a terrible faux pas or not? I could wade into the forums of theknot.com to find out, but I'm a little afraid to venture there. Just going to the site itself is enough to make me crazy.)

Other items we got from the clearance bin:
Favor boxes! (Which we'll fill with Jordan Almonds, a traditional treat at French weddings.)
A veil (Which I don't even know if I'll wear-- probably not-- But it was only $3, which is great given the cost of veils (crazy $$$ if you haven't checked lately!)

Also, I think my future mother in law wants to make the wedding cake-- Which I think is CRAZY. I keep telling her she really doesn't need that stress the week before the wedding but she wants to try it out. Well... I'm happy to taste her tries anyway! Cake isn't really important to me so even if it's imperfect I don't mind-- (Just as long as it tastes good! I'd rather have a great tasting cake than a pretty one!)

I had hoped she would want to make my wedding dress but she keeps saying, "NO WAY!"... Which is too bad because she actually has mad sewing skills. She says THAT would stress her out too much. To me that seems weird since a cake is much more unpredictable than a dress, I think, but I'm fine either way.

This weekend we're going to a discount fabric place about an hour away and we'll pick out fabric for the table runners. Keep your fingers crossed that we find something good because the rest of the wedding will be based on that!

My plan is to take the pattern from the table runner and incorporate it into the invitation and then take the colors from it and incorporate that into the rest of the decor/accessories. Hopefully all for cheap! I think we'll forgo flowers (unless we can convince the ones in the garden to grow!) and go for candles instead. (12 candles for $6 at Wal-Mart baby! Klassy all the way!)

So, that's where we're at... Pretty good, dontcha think? For the entertainment I think I'll hire some student bands (very good ones).

The only thing I don't really have under control is a photographer. I was hoping someone on Jedi's side of the family might have some talents in that area (because my side doesn't) but no luck. Prices are CRAZY! $1000 for 3 hours? Um, yeah, no. That's like half the budget. So, not too sure what to do about that...

Looking for a date? Lie.

In honor of the fact that this used to be a dating blog...

Why you should lie in your online profiles...

Or so this article says...

For what it's worth, it's true what it says about some things that we think matter (like height) not really mattering once we get to know someone.

If Jedi had ended up in my "match" list on an online site? I would have dismissed him out of hand.

Live and learn!

The road not taken...

EEEEEEEEKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!

Ok, internet friends! I have a DILEMMA!

I just found out yesterday that I was accepted into a program that is for a Masters of International Diplomacy that is jointly in Australia and Norway (5 months in Norway, 5 months in Australia), and specializing in Peace and Conflict studies.

It is an AMAZING opportunity, yes?! I applied for it totally on a whim. I didn't think they'd ACTUALLY accept me!!! (Fools that they are! Bwahaha!)

The details on the logistics of the program are all a little fuzzy right now because the "official" letter hasn't arrived, they just sent me word via email.

So.... there are 2 big questions about this...
#1) How do I pay for it?!? (and is it WORTH the money!?) (It doesn't look like Australia has a financial aid system set up through the university the way that they do in the US.)
and
#2) What do I do with Jedi?


So, for #1)... I had told myself that if I got a scholarship I applied for at the same time as the program (which I don't know if I've gotten or not, but I'm assuming NOT since there was no mention of it in the email) I would DEFINITELY go. (Duh.) However, if I DIDN'T get the scholarship, I totally wouldn't go.

Ha.
Um.
Well.

Now that I've actually been ACCEPTED I'm rethinking that whole "not going" thing. But the money is still the issue.

I should add that I've been fortunate enough to study at 3 different universities and not paid more than nominal fees for any of it because of scholarships that I received. Given the quick turn around time (the program starts in August) I don't know that I would have time to secure any other sources of funding other than perhaps a student loan. All told, I'm guessing $50,000 in debt-- between tuition, living expenses (AND FLIGHTS!)...

I'm looking into deferring for a year so that I can secure more funding-- I don't know if that's an option.

(Additionally, I have a mortgage! Gotta figure out what to do with my place! Tragically, Jedi would not be able to afford to live there on his own unless I was able to contribute around $400/month to his living expenses!)

So... yeah... I feel in a BIG quandary about this.

Would I go if money wasn't an issue? HELL YES. Does that mean I should go if money IS an issue? ... I'm not sure. I will have a masters (almost-- in June!) already (and from an Ivy.) Is this worth the additional investment? Don't know. Is it worth it in terms of life experience? Most definitely.

I do not want to live an unlived life!

As for Jedi...

Well, he's Jedi. So, he's being wonderfully supportive and proud of me even though he's all sad-face because he doesn't want me to be gone for so long.

I understand that. I'd miss him terribly. But.... This is ONLY for 10 months. A drop in the bucket in terms of a lifetime.

He wants to come with me... Um... Yeah... I can't really see that working. WHAT would he do in Australia & Norway!? I don't think he'd be allowed to work on a tourist visa. And he's got school to finish HERE! (and he's got his own bills to pay as well.)

One of my mentors thinks I should bring Jedi with me anyway... My mom is all "You don't want to lose him now that you found a good one..." (Um, thanks mom. If 10 months apart meant that I lost him, perhaps that would be a sign we shouldn't be together?!)

I want to be respectful of his feelings, but in this particular instance I think that being apart would be worth it in the long run. Have I mentioned that Jedi plans to be a stay at home dad? (I'm on board with this plan, as he is the most caring person i've ever met... But that means I'll need to earn BEAUCOUP BUCKS.) I think that having this degree would give me a leg up in job hunts... it's certainly an unusual thing, I think, to say-- I have a degree from France, from Ireland, from the US, from Australia and from Norway. I would think that would make someone looking at my resume take a second look.

On the other hand... (and I can hear Npapaya in my head...) WHAT do I hope to accomplish with this degree? What is my career plan?

The truth is, I don't know.

I think Npapaya (Who is a fabulously wise woman and mentor in addition to being a great friend) would say that if I don't know I probably shouldn't be doing it.

But... But... But... I WANNA do it!

I've thought about going into government work... maybe living overseas... working in an embassy. (Doesn't everyone?!?) I mean, I've also thought about working in the theater... working in Higher Ed... Becoming an author... becoming a therapist.... so it's not like I've narrowed down my life plan or anything. But. Well.

HOW AMAZING WOULD THIS BE?!

If I didn't do this, would I spend the rest of my life wondering what could have been? Probably.

But is it $50,000 worth of Amazing....?



That, dear friends, is the question.

Another Big Question

Soooo..... Um.....

I've been seriously thinking about asking letting Jedi move in with me. (I say letting only because he wanted to move in about 2 weeks after we met.)

There are some major downsides to this--

The Cons:

First-- (and most importantly)-- It FREAKS me out. (I guess that should be the end of the post right there, huh?) But, well, it doesn't freak me out for any really logical reasons-- it just freaks me out because I'm someone who wants space-- emotional and physical.

Second- Space. As in, I really don't have any. I live in a 600 sq ft apartment-- 1 bed/1 bath. Where would I put his stuff?! Basically, I think I would move in an extra dresser, and move my coats out of the hall closet, but poor guy really wouldn't be able to move any books or anything else in. (Not that he minds... or so he says.)

Third - Yes, we've only been going out for 3 months. This could end tomorrow. If I don't let him move in, this could end pretty painlessly (in terms of logistics). If I let him move in, this could get really messy.


The Pros

First-- Call me mercenary if you must, but if Jedi moved in his share of the rent/utilities would be about $500. (That's adjusted using the Suze Orman % formula, whereby expenses are shared based on the percentage of income each person brings in-- So, Jedi would actually be paying 42% of expenses, and I'd be paying 58%) That... would be super helpful! I might actually be able to save something!

Because, well, let's face it-- yes, my expenses haven't really gone UP-- I'd be using the same amount of heat/cable etc... even if he wasn't here. And we unofficially split groceries, taking turns paying. But. Well. On some level, I do feel like I'm subsidizing his life. Other than a car, he really has no expenses.

If I start charging him for rent though... well... I can't exactly be like, "You need to go HOME," when I need alone time, now can I?

Second- He's neat and tidy and does dishes and bathrooms and makes dinner. (Which is more than I do.) That's a total bonus. (I worry though that once the novelty of playing house wears off this will lose its appeal.

Third-- (and yes, most importantly)-- I enjoy having him around 95% of the time. I miss him when he's gone. Even when I like having my bed to myself so I can stretch out... I find myself kinda missing him.

(Oh! And 4th! Total bonus!-- When he stays over I get to work on time because we carpool, and he has to be at work 30 minutes before I do.)

~~~~~~

So, what say you, internets? Where do you fall on the spectrum of yes or no?

To tell, or not to tell? That is the question...

At what point should I disclose I have a blog to Jedi?

I don't know that I should disclose at all.

On the one hand, if I had a diary it would be none of his business. And that's essentially what this blog is-- sort of a dating diary.

On the other hand... it's public. This wouldn't be an issue if only anonymous people read this, but I know some people who know Jedi offline read this. And maybe he wouldn't be too thrilled about that, though I do think I write mostly innocuous things about him.

I also think that telling him would have the effect of ending the blog (or at least ending honest writing about HIM... which, since he's the only one I'm currently seeing, would have that same effect.)

I don't think he'd be bothered by the blog--not really. But I do think he would bug me until I gave him the URL, which would mean measuring what I say about him a bit more.

On the other other hand, depending on how long this goes, he could end up being hurt that I didn't tell him about it.

So. What say you, internets? To tell, or not to tell?

Flowers & other not-so-sentimental stuff

Jedi brought me flowers at work yesterday, which was sweet. I appreciate it, I do. I make a point of telling him how much I appreciate it (mostly so he'll keep it up!). I'm even no longer cringing when I refer to him as my boyfriend. I even (gulp) let him put some pictures of us on facebook and I let him tag me in them! (As a side note, he looks smoking hot in the pictures... too bad this is an anonymous blog! ha ha!) That's kind of a big deal... (Though, I haven't changed my relationship status and I'm not likely to, since it's nobody's business... (and always leads to much awkwardness when the status is changed back. ha ha!))

So... yeah. I'm getting more settled into this relationship thing. I even suggested plans for New Year's eve... (to which he replied, "Oh? Are you planning on keeping me around 'til then?" He's learning quickly, that Jedi... ha. He's getting used to my sense of humor, I think.)

One thing that is a little awkward is that since he's basically spent about 5 nights in the last 2 months back at his parent's place, they're no longer charging him for food...

To which I lightheartedly replied-- but-not-so-jokingly-- Oh, you can help me with the groceries then.

He agreed. He also, very thoughtfully, and of his own idea, offered to pay for 1/2 of my birth control. (It's the nuva-ring which is $30/month... CRAZY.) I appreciated that a lot.

However. Cash has yet to appear.

And it's kind of totally awkward to bring that up.

But it kinda pisses me off when he talks about how little money he has (Ok, he makes very little, but he actually has a TON more in savings than I do because he has NO expenses other than a car payment and tuition. I pay tuition, PLUS all of those bills and more. grrr.) So, I'm at a negative balance, if you count the credit cards, and he's at a +++ balance. And he tells me how little money he has, and then he buys himself a new DVD seemingly every few days.

Now, mind you, I would never begrudge someone their toys. Heaven knows I have my own. And it's his money. Even if we were serious I would want him to have "his" money (and I would have mine, and there would be a joint account.)

However... what do I do? Just present him with a bill? Say, "Your total is $52.44, please pay by the end of the week?"

Ugh.

*************

And on a totally unrelated topic, can I just say how much I hate stupid people? Especially the ones I work with? Especially today????

I just feel I need to get that off my chest...

Michelle Obama's Dating Advice

Best Dating Advice Ever From Michelle Obama

"Cute's good. But cute only lasts for so long, and then it's, Who are you as
a person? That's the advice I would give to women: Don't look at the
bankbook or the title. Look at the heart. Look at the soul. Look at how the
guy treats his mother and what he says about women. How he acts with
children he doesn't know. And, more important, how does he treat you? When
you're dating a man, you should always feel good. You should never feel less
than. You should never doubt yourself. You shouldn't be in a relationship
with somebody who doesn't make you completely happy and make you feel whole.
And if you're in that relationship and you're dating, then my advice is,
don't get married. [original source: Glamour]

When Jobhunting is like Dating

I'm not really jobhunting... Hell, I'm lucky to have a job. And there are a great many things I like about my job. However, it is not the job I was hired to do.

My place of business recently went through some restructuring. As part of that restructuring my position was eliminated. I was one of the VERY fortunate ones in that I was offered another position with the same company.

However.

The job I now do often fundamentally opposes ....mmmm....to say, "my morals" is too strong... but, my sense of "rightness," shall we say.

I'm not doing anything morally ambiguous by most people's standards, but some of the programs I have to champion I feel have misplaced priorities. And it's kinda hard to champion them when I feel that way. However, I do my best not to let my feelings show because... well, that's my job.

And so i'm not REALLY jobhunting, but every once in awhile someone shoots something my way that is appealing. I rarely apply for it (in fact, this is the first time in 2 years I've applied for something...), but in this instance there were enough pluses to go forward with it.

And there were some great things about the job-
1) The boss. The boss happens to be the husband of a friend of mine, and he's one of only 2 husbands I've ever met that I genuinely like as a person. (Note, this is not saying I dislike MEN, this is about the fact that when someone comes as an appendage to someone else it's not a given that you'll find much to appreciate about them.)

2)Much better pay.

3)Not having to deal with ambiguously 'right' situations.

.... there were a couple others, but that was the general idea of it.

But in my gut I felt something telling me this wasn't the right job for me. But I knew it wouldn't be a job I'd be able to refuse if it was offered to me (because it would be so obviously better than my current one.)

So, I was content to sort of let things play out, all the while waffling about what I would do if an offer were made.

Well, it didn't come to that. The boss for that position came to speak with me and we had a somewhat on the record/off the record conversation.

He's a really great guy and it was a good conversation. He brought up the fact that while he could see me in many positions in his office, for a variety of reasons this one didn't seem like a good fit, and he wondered what prompted me to apply.

I acknowledged that he was right, and we discussed the pros and cons some more. In the end we came to the mutual decision that I would withdraw my application.

I'm glad I did.

Like I said, in my gut I knew this wasn't the right path for me... and yet, I was content to continue down it for lack of any better options.

Sounds a lot like dating, huh?

It may sound crazy, but for most things in my life I've just KNOWN... somehow, KNOWN in my gut (not to be all George Dubya about it...) when I'm going in the right direction.

I'm just waiting for Something Wonderful.* Whether that's with a job or with a partner, I believe that in the end I'll know it's the right one-- that I'm on the right path-- because it will feel so very right. (Yes, I know I'm single in large part due to my own issues, which I've talked about at length, but I also feel that somehow I'll just KNOW when I meet the right one. Call me silly, but every single member of my family... (other than my own parents)... has said that when they met their spouse they just "knew" when they first met them. There are several people in my family who got married on their first date-- no joke.)

It's hard to keep the faith or to have patience on this journey most of the time but in a lot of aspects of my life I have felt that my life is going in a very specific direction and that whenever I try to go off-course God/the universe gently (or not-so-gently) directs me back again. I'm a very lapsed Baptist, but I do want to believe there's a plan out there for me. Yes, there's free will, but I want to believe that God is steering me towards a good end, and if I'm just attuned enough I can figure out what that path should be.

*(If you've read this book, you'll know why I linked it. If you haven't read it, you should get it. One of the best trashy romance novels ever!)

I choose my choice! I choose myself.

Last night I went out with a bunch of friends and Muckraker was there. It was suddenly as if a light had gone on (or off?) and as I was looking at him I realized I couldn't remember why I had ever found him attractive. (No, I won't go back into the blog archives to remind myself...!)

There was just-- nothing there. Phew! And more than that, bemusement as to "what on earth was I thinking was there in the first place?"

I think much of this came out of a realization I had over vacation. For the past 8-9 months or so I've been obsessing over muckraker and Science guy... as though I have to somehow choose between them (nevermind whether or not they actively want me/wanted me at various points in time.) As though these were somehow my only two choices EVER. Because if they didn't want me, who would?

And... Duh. This is a false dichotomy. Not only because there are more than those two guys in this world.... but because there's actually a third choice. And that third choice is myself.

And at this point in time? That third choice is a much better option than either of those two.

I'm not stopping my search, but it's good to realize I always have choices. And choosing myself is NOT a consolation prize... it's the GRAND prize. (This is not to say that finding someone awesome wouldn't ALSO be a GRAND prize... but that's the thing-- this isn't a zero-sum game. Both choices are/would be good ones. But it's so easy to get caught up in the dynamic of-- Oh, I HAVE to choose this person, or I'll LOSE by being alone FOREVER. And that's simply wrong.)

Wise Observations

My friend Kay recently sent me this note...


I looked at your blog last night for the first time in quite a while. I
didn't see any particularly new updates about science guy or muckraker,
which might be a good thing.

Last night, when I was reading the stuff you'd written about
him, I suddenly realized how similar he is to an ex of mine from almost five
years ago. English guy who I met right after arriving in Prague. Same snarky
personality, same affected air of mystery, same hot and cold attitude, even
the same propensity to use overly-intimate nicknames. We dated for about 8
months and it was very intense for most of that time, then he broke it off
in a REALLY weird, abrupt and unexplained manner. It bothered me for a long
time, just not understanding what had happened, until I started to see the
pattern.

Since then he sort of appears and disappears (via email mostly - we both
keep switching continents), usually in a harmless, seemingly-friendly way,
but once a year or so with sudden, urgent confessions of how much he misses
me and how he can't believe he let me get away, what terrible timing we (we?
I was there, where was he?) have, etc. There are also revelations about what
he was going through back then that, in retrospect, prevented him from
embracing his feelings, or whatever, etc. He just did this again a few weeks
ago after quite a long hiatus. It's really very disarming.

But there's something intrinsically... off... and conveniently ill-fated
about the whole thing, which is the same vibe I get from the muckraker
stories. Guys like this are more sinister than guys who are just players
because there actually is a connection, and there are brief moments that
seem (or genuinely are - haven't worked that out yet) intensely meaningful
to both parties. Then there's a whole lot of nothing in between after they
run away... Thinking about it, I have half a mind, next year when my ex
inevitably starts sending "maybe the responsible thing would be to contain
my feelings, but..." emails again, to announce my intention to get on a
plane and live happily ever after with him. I'm sure my next email would
bounce and he'd have moved flats out of fear. Sort of the way muckraker came
on so strong and then completely failed to act on it when you made it clear
you were interested too. I don't think they even do it by design - I think
they're just kind of broken. It probably isn't a coincidence that my ex was
significantly older than me, too, just like muckraker. A woman their own age
would probably see through the bullshit.

Anyway, this anecdote is just a long, rambling way of saying that I've just
noticed the parallels between these two situations and you really need to
ignore him until he thinks he's lost his effect on you. Otherwise, he'll
probably keep randomly calling you from Montana, so to speak, for a long
time.

Ok, that's my super-wise observation/advice...



Thanks, Kay! That IS super-wise advice!

And I have to say, my vacation seems to have provided much needed clarity and head-clearing! I can say, very truthfully, I am *SO* over muckraker. But that is another post...!

Um, sorry. Not likely!

Ha ha ha!

Sometimes I check the search terms people use to find my blog. Most are pretty ordinary, (For some reason Soulmate seems to come up a lot, though as far as I can tell, I only ever used it in one post. Apparently people want to find out how to meet their soulmates. Shocking, I know. Sorry kids... (If you're reading this because you just googled "How to find you're soulmate," and I'm pretty sure you must have to land on this page... You're shit out of luck. Because I haven't a clue. Do let me know if you figure out the secret though, M'kay? That would be helpful!))

I had to laugh out loud though at the search phrase someone typed in recently though: "If you're single it could be because you're too hot."

Ha ha ha!

No, sweetie. I can GUARANTEE that's not it. Here are some reasons that are MUCH more likely:

• It might be because you THINK you're too hot.
  
• Or maybe because you're conceited and narcissistic.
• Or because your idea of "hot" is in fact pretty damn fugly (though, I have seen people out there I wouldn't touch with a 10ft pole who are damned happily coupled up.),
• or maybe it's because you think you're only "deserving" of people who are of equal hotness.
• Or perhaps because you haven't bothered to develop other personality traits because you're so damned hot.

Any one of these reasons is about 1000% more likely than just being "too hot" to find a date.
Believe me. And if you don't, ask a friend. (A really, really good one. Like, one who will not only tell you you have spinach in your teeth, but who won't feel bad about picking it out of your teeth for you.) If you don't have such a friend, this would also be an indication as to why you are single. Get working on that, will you?

Facebook stalking!

I'm back "on" eharmony, but I'm refusing to pay for it. So, I'm getting matched with people, but I haven' t found anyone I'd be willing to pay money to communicate with. Given how few people there are living in my area it's not really worth it. I see an interesting profile about once every 3 months.

Well, I guess this must be month 3. (Hey! It is! March=3! ok, that was lame, I know!) because I saw a profile that was interesting.

I can't see pictures since I'm not paying for this, but the guy listed his occupation & company. Well, it's my company, so I looked him up in our directory, found the department, found his last name, and then looked him up on facebook. It took me all of 2 minutes... not a whole lot of stalking involved! (And to all those people who think they're anonymous out there? You're not. Not really. (especially not in THIS tiny town!))

Guess what? He was pretty cute.

And now I have a dilemma. Do I contact him using my 'insider'-- ill-gotten email address? Or do I just send him a free 'wink' and hope he contacts me?

(Npapaya points out that he may be playing the same game I am, and thus can't see my picture, and so may never respond to my 'wink.')

I sent him the wink, but Npapaya got me thinking that maybe I should email him. But that's a little too stalkerish, isn't it??? I mean, wouldn't YOU be creeped out? (As a girl, I know I would DEFINITLY be skeeved out by a guy who contacted me that way. I wouldn't feel safe. Is that a terrible double standard? Or just the way of the world?)

So-- What would you do? Would you cop to the facebook stalking and contact him through the corporate directory? Or just wait until he answers (or not!) the 'wink'?

what's the point in life when you're single?

Every once in awhile I check the traffic on the blog. I know I'm not to the level of a lot of bloggers, but I seem to have some fairly regular readers (who aren't people I actually know!), and it helps to keep me going, I admit. Not because I think everyone is out there hanging on my every word, but that somehow what I'm saying must resonate with at least a few people. So, if anything, it helps me to feel a little less alone in this whole (stupid!) dating game.

Today though I got someone coming to the blog by typing in this search phrase:

whats the point in life when your single

Now, I don't actually know how they found my blog that way because I went through 7 pages of google results and my blog didn't come up. That tells me that whoever was asking this question was pretty determined to get an answer since they were intrepid enough to keep going after 7 pages. (I wasn't.)

It also worried me. Because that question? That type of question? Sounds like the question you ask when you don't think life is worth living any more.

And that's not ok. So-- whoever you are-- if you're still out there-- Yes, life IS still worth living when you're single.

Before I go on to address all the reasons WHY though, I'm also going to admit that I've been there. I know what it's like. (Trust me on this.)

I know this is a blog about dating, but there's a reason this blog is about dating. I don't have to be single. There have been numerous people in my life who wanted to keep dating me, but I was the one to break it off. There was at least one person in my life who would have married me, had I expressed an inclination to marry him. And yet, somehow--magically-- I'm single. Why is that?

It's because my life is pretty good as it is. So if I were to change it? It would have to be for someone pretty damn awesome. Not perfect. Not a millionaire. Not a model. But pretty damn awesome.

I've dated some pretty awesome guys. I'm still friends with most of those guys. Cause they were awesome. For one reason or another (ok, 3/4ths of the time because they were in the closet when we were dating), they weren't the "awesome" that was right for me.

Some people think I/you/women should settle for Mr. Good-Enough. Mr. Almost-Right. And some people do. And some people genuinely grow to love Mr. Almost-Right and have a wonderful life with him. I don't fault them for that. In some respects, I envy them. But I also know that Mr. Almost-Right is not "right" enough for me.

And that's because my life as a single person is pretty damn awesome. What makes it awesome?

In a word? Autonomy. I covet my Independence. Maybe that makes me very poor dating/marriage material, I don't know. I do know that even in a relationship though I need a lot of breathing room.

I don't have to check in with anyone when making decisions-- from small ones: What type of toothpaste should I get? To big ones: Should I buy this condo? (Answer- YES.)

How do I spend my money? It's mine to spend. How do I spend my time? It's mine to spend. How do I make decisions like - Should I move? Should I get a new job? Should I go to Africa or Europe on vacation?

Some people would feel lonely, or anxious making those decisions on their own. I admit that sometimes-- a very small percentage of the time-- I do too.

But 90% of the time? I feel exhilarated. I feel the sense of my own unlimited potential. I feel the freedom that 3/4ths of the women in this world do not feel. I am living what women for generations upon generations fought, and protested, and died for; what some women are still dying for.

And never, not for one minute of one day, do I take that privilege for granted.

I am living my life as I wish, how I wish, and for myself.

Some people (some people reading this blog even!) might say, "Good thing you're single, Bitch."

Yeah. Yeah it is.

I'm not saying I wouldn't want a partner in my life. I'm not saying I wouldn't accommodate, and welcome, a partner in my life. Quite the opposite. But at the same time, I know myself, and I know that I'm not going to welcome someone into my life who isn't a good fit. And that's why I keep searching, that's why I keep dating; not because I don't want to be single, or because I believe I "need" to be married to be complete or any such thing-- I love to be single!

But I keep dating because I do think that there is a someone out there for me. Someone who will find my quirks, and stubbornness, and big mouth endearing. And I'll find his quirks (and whatever else!) endearing. Yeah, that's the way this love thing works, I know. But I guess my point is that I have faith that if there is someone out there who is right for me, I'll meet him.

And if there's no one right for me? Then that's ok too. I'm right for myself.

I think I'd be a bit sad if I didn't ever marry-- perhaps spending time thinking back to "What might have been," (as I sometimes do with Mr. Almost-Right who would have married me.) But the alternative? Marrying someone who was kinda-but-not-quite-right? That would make me sadder. I know that to do so also wouldn't have been fair to Mr. Almost-Right. Because, you know what? I certainly wouldn't want to be anyone's Ms. Almost-Right. That's not a good feeling for anyone.

And so when I think back to Mr. Almost-Right, I know that I did the right thing in letting him go. Because while he was great, and I was great, we weren't great together. We weren't bad, we were even pretty good most of the time, but I also knew-- even way back then-- that we would stifle each other. That as much as he loved me, he didn't really get me. That family dynamics he hated in his childhood were being replayed with us... and he would surely have grown to be frustrated and hurt, and I would have felt caged in and want to hurt him. And I wouldn't have wanted that-- because I loved him.

Do I think I'll have a family? Yes, with or without someone. I would prefer with someone, and I know it's really hard without someone, but it's been done. There are many children in this world that need a home, and I'll be privileged to be able to provide one someday, I hope.

I keep looking, searching, and hoping to meet someone-- because I know there might be someone awesome and --like Goldilocks's porridge-- "just right" for me.

But in the meantime? My life has a point. I have my friends, my family, my dog, my education (which is taking up too much time at the moment), volunteering (when I have time to get back to doing it, once I'm done with my education!), the goal of doing work that makes a difference, my writing, my artwork, my travel. My point -- my goal-- is to not live an unlived life. There will be time in the future, hopefully, to be with someone. Even then I hope to live a life filled with all those things. In the meantime, why would I live my life as though it's frozen in time and I'm waiting for some prince to come along? Why wouldn't I take advantage of the single life I'm leading now? If ever I'm finally with someone, won't I then covet the single life?

Well, this has been excessively long to make a few rather simple point. Everyone wants what they don't have. Being single is awesome. Being with someone who brings out the best in you (and you bring out the best in that person) is awesome. Anything less? Is not for me. (But! YMMV. Not judging.)

We all go to those dark places, wondering what the point of life is when you're single... But an open secret, (I think) is that married/coupled/(with/without kids) people go to those dark places to. They just spend their time wishing they were single... JUST LIKE YOU.

So, first and foremost, enjoy the life you're living. It's the only one you've got. Make the most of it.

You've been warned

Really, Really, Really NSFW.

But Really, Really Funny....

(Also? Best Quote "Sad, unrequited love... which is my favorite kind of love.")

Yes. This. Exactly.

From Sex, Lies & Dating in the City

She said it much better than I could, so I'll just quote her below in the part that particularly resonated... But go read the whole thing...

* * *


A few years ago I cut a certain friend out of my life. There were a lot of reasons for it. But the moment I knew I had to do it was when I was trying to explain to her that I was upset with her complete and utter lack of support for me, when I needed it, and her response was, "But you're so strong. You don't need anyone."

There are people who see me that way. Men who look at me that way. Who look at me and assume that I am invulnerable. That all I need out of a relationship is some interesting dinner conversation and hot sex (yeah, those things are good, too).

The man I am looking for, the one who will be my appropriate and ideal partner (ideal is such a hot button word, but I'm going to go with it here) will see me and understand that what I need almost more than anything is someone I can be vulnerable with. Someone who will let me be weak around them. Someone who will understand that all of that strength is exhausting and takes its toll, year after year and that one of the greatest gifts that he can give me is the ability to just let him be strong for me, sometimes, so that I don't have to hold the weight of the world on my shoulders every second of every day.

And how does a guy do that? Not by being arrogant or displaying his innate, superior value. One minute of that crap and I'll laugh in his face. On my more charitable days I say that everyone on the planet is of equal value (on other days I mutter about how most people are worthless pieces of shit). No, it's something I can't really articulate well. But there are men who understand how to be strong and confident without being arrogant. Who can lead without being pushy. Who can take control of situations without being a bully.

Mistakes Were Made

Science guy knows about the blog. Well. Not THIS blog, but he knows there is A blog.

It kinda came out by accident...He asked me, oh so casually why I was on {random dating site, not the one we met on}. Like a deer in the headlights I blurted out the most innocuous answer I could think of... "It's for my blog."

MmmmHmmm.

Nevermind that him seeing me on that dating site meant HE was on that dating site too.... (Yes, I did ask him that when I came to my senses... His response? "Um, I'm looking for friendship." Uh, huh. I think my response was better.)*

*(Side note: Yes I know that I'm looking elsewhere, and yes I have been assuming that he is too, however I do feel like it's bad form to actually SAY so, you know what I mean? Let's keep up the illusion at least that you like me so much that you simply can't imagine looking elsewhere. I mean, hell-- I feel like I'm polite enough to be doing that! Am I wrong? Would it be better on a guy's ego to say-- "You know what Science guy? I like you. I think you're cute, and smart, and funny (even if there are some red flags). But you know who I like better than you? Muckraker. (Or even Atlas for a time.), So, I'll keep seeing you, because I don't know where things are going with those other guys, but in the meantime I'll bring them up ever so casually in conversation, just to keep you off-balance and guessing." I mean, seriously-- Is that just me? Or is that rude?)

Anyhoo-- to give him fair shakes, Science Guy was a little annoyed at being the subject of a blog. To which I told him, "Look, I haven't said anything bad about you. I've been pretty complimentary. I'll continue to be so unless you turn into an asshole, in which case you'll have no one to blame but yourself." Am I right? Or am I right?

So, we made plans to get together tomorrow, and then realized the timing wouldn't work around my other plans. So made plans tentatively for Tuesday... but then realized that might not work because of his work schedule... then made plans kinda for Friday, but couldn't agree on what to do... So where does that leave us? At the moment, Plan-less.

He did ask if I wanted to get together for Christmas. I felt kind of guilty-- I mean, yes, I'm complaining about hanging out with my family for Christmas, but at the same time it's kind of obligatory.

He doesn't celebrate Christmas, but he also has no family and no friends in the area yet, so I felt kind of bad. I suppose I could have invited him to be with my family but that would just have been all kinds of awkward.

So, where does that leave things? Not sure.... Super helpful, I know.

I don't know-- Do people think there are ethical issues involved about writing about people who don't know they're being written about? Maybe-- Though I do take pains to hide their identities, and I think that most of them wouldn't recognize themselves on here unless they were explicitly told they were being written about.

I think about people potentially writing about me. (Well, I don't think I'm nearly interesting enough, but it's possible I suppose.) I think that as long as it was anonymous, and I remained oblivious I'd be ok with it. However, I will acknowledge I did not do a good job of keeping Science Guy oblivious-- My bad!

I also gave Science Guy my real phone number (as opposed to work extension.) This may also have been a mistake. I don't think he is/will turn into a crazy ass stalker, but when I gave him my number he said, "I've given all the girls in NH my real number! That's not fair."

Anyone else catch the red flag there? "All the girls"? Come on, dude! You're ruining the illusion! I'm supposed to be the only one you want! (At the very least the only one you want when you're talking to ME!)

Sheesh! Do I have to teach you everything!?!?

You tell me what's wrong with this email!

hi-
After reading your profile, I think we may have alot in common and would like to get to know you.
What I have to offer is I am nice, handsome, happy, funny, trustworthy, kind, not-boring, not afraid of commitment, responsible but fun, and giving person. I am disease and drug free, and hold down a great job. I am looking for a NICE girl, and hopefully a future committment.
I hope to hear back from you, so we can start a great friendship.- randomguy

Now, I'm sure that this guy thinks this is a perfectly reasonable first email to send to someone. On the surface, there's not really anything that wrong with it... and yet... it kinda squicks you out, doesn't it?

Let's figure out why:

1) Listing of good attributes. This doesn't tell me what you're really like-- this tells me how you think about yourself. And this tells me you love yourself and AWFUL lot. Also? Telling me you're trustworthy doesn't make me trust you. In fact, it does the opposite. Trustworthy people don't go around telling everyone how much they should trust them. They kind of assume everyone is trustworthy until it's proven otherwise. That you feel the need to TELL me you're trustworthy pretty much tells me you're not.

2) You're doing what you're supposed to be doing!-- Which is- being drug & disease free, and holding down a job! Wow! you want a cookie? Congratulations. Similarly to above, people who have their shit together don't feel the need to point out they have their shit together.

3) Baggage! Saying you want a "NICE" girl (in all caps mind you!) screams "I have unresolved issues! I'm going to be mistrustful and take out my misplaced anger on you!" Sweet! Who doesn't want to sign up for that deal!

Any I missed...? I'm sure there are several. Seriously guys!? Why do you do this? Do you have NO social skills?

... sigh ...