Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Something Wonderful or When the Universe Sends You A Sign

I'm a huge believer in signs. I'm a lapsed Baptist, and not quite religious, but at the same time I do believe there's a higher power up there.

Even as I feel like it's the height of human arrogance to think that God intervenes directly in individual lives, I also can't help thinking that God (or one of his/her agents) also gives us nudges in the right direction. I know, I know-- how do I reconcile these seemingly contradictory beliefs? I don't know, but I do.

And I do believe that there have been times in my life when I've been nudged in the right direction. When I follow the direction of those signs, things seem to unfold in my life in a pretty magical way, where things just fall into place. (Yes, I know, many people think these things could be random coincidences, wishful thinking, etc... But somehow, sometimes, things just feel RIGHT, and as much as I hate to sound like Dubya, you just know it's right in your gut.)

Now that I've prefaced that, let me share with you a little story that took place immediately after the previous exchange.

After Jedi gave me the red scarf, he said, "Hold on. I got you something else. Maybe you'll like this better."

I opened it up. It was the book Something Wonderful.
Yes, this is a trashy romance novel... but hey, I'm a smart bitch who loves trashy books. And this book? This author? Both TOPS in the genre.

I looked at Jedi in surprise.

He explained, "While you were sleeping I looked at the books on your bookshelf and noticed you had a lot of books by this author. I wrote down the names of the books and made sure I got you one that you didn't have. Do you like it?"

Dear reader, I loved it. Not just because it was an insanely thoughtful gesture-- because it certainly was that-- but because it was so much more than that, though Jedi had no way of knowing it. In fact, until writing this post, even I didn't know it.

You see, I did already own this book. However, I lost it somewhere along the way. This summer I was looking for it, but couldn't find it.

The reason this was so meaningful was because of this post... from which I'll quote (And I'm realizing I repeat myself an AWFUL lot! And make the same lame-o jokes again and again! Apologies!):

It may sound crazy, but for most things in my life I've just KNOWN... somehow, KNOWN in my gut (not to be all George Dubya about it...) when I'm going in the right direction.

I'm just waiting for Something Wonderful.* Whether that's with a job or with a partner, I believe that in the end I'll know it's the right one-- that I'm on the right path-- because it will feel so very right. (Yes, I know I'm single in large part due to my own issues, which I've talked about at length, but I also feel that somehow I'll just KNOW when I meet the right one. Call me silly, but every single member of my family... (other than my own parents)... has said that when they met their spouse they just "knew" when they first met them. There are several people in my family who got married on their first date-- no joke.)

A few days before Jedi gave me this book, I had asked the universe for a sign I was on the right path.

When I opened that book, I thought to myself, ok-- this seems like a sign, but it could just be coincidence.

When I looked at the date I wrote the previous post about waiting for "Something Wonderful," and even referencing that exact book, I was rather shocked to realize I wrote those words the DAY BEFORE I met Jedi.

Call it coincidence. Call it wishful thinking. Generally being a skeptic, I wouldn't normally disagree with you.

But for me? In my gut? It feels like a sign I'm on the right track.

Thanks, Universe.

Not quite the gift of the Magi...

Jedi had a gift for me under the tree that he was totally hopped up about. It was in a gift bag and he kept admonishing me not to peek inside... all the while saying things like, "I've been wanting to get you this since we met!" "I can't wait to see your face!" "I really hope you love it!"

I finally said, "Do you WANT me to open it now?"

He said, "No. No... Do YOU want to open it now?" Eager puppy-dog look.

So, of course, we agreed to exchange just one gift...

(Now, I should mention that the gift that I exchanged with him at this particular time is one that I'd sneakily gone to his mother to find out that he wanted. It was a video game that is rather hard to find.

The Saturday before this particular exchange Jedi had asked his mother if she'd gotten him the game for Christmas. She apparently had a totally blank look and didn't know which game he was talking about. Jedi spend TWO DAYS driving me CRAZY talking about how he should just buy himself the game because he'd be so disappointed if he didn't get it for Christmas, and how it's impossible to find, and his mother wouldn't even know where to look, and his life would be over if he didn't get this game, etc. etc. (Ok, yes, there's a bit of hyperbole in there, but I was ready to STRANGLE him.)

Meanwhile I had already ordered and received the game. I had made him promise not to buy it for himself before Christmas and told him to have more faith in his family, but he was totally still a pouty-mcpoutypants about the whole thing. Driving me NUTS I tell you!)

But, back to that mysterious bag...

Jedi watches me intently as I open the bag... (frankly, I was a little worried there was a ring or something in there...)

And I pull out a ....
Yes. A Red, Wool Scarf.

Was this a joke, I wondered...

I shook the bag a little to be sure I wasn't missing something.

I put on my best, "Oh, grandma got me underwear for christmas and I have to thank her" face.

Or, otherwise known as "Present Face."

Well, he could read my present face and was all disappointed. "You don't like it, do you?"

"No! It's not that! It's great... it's just... Um... What made you choose this for me?"

He said, "Well, ever since we met, I noticed you're always wearing scarves, and I've wanted to get one for you..."

Light Bulb Going On

"Ooooh. Um. Babe, I wear Pashminas... you know, shawls?"


(What can I say-- I know they're no longer "in style" but frankly I think it's a look that never goes out of style. And they're so practical!)

Poor guy. He spent the night apologizing (ridiculously so, and I told him that...I felt so bad that I wasn't able to better disguise my dislike... but I was so surprised!)

He offered to take it back, but I told him I wanted to keep it as a memento-- and I do.

I then gave him his gift...

His response? (Besides childlike wonder and glee?)

"Damn. I'd better step it up."

No worries, dear reader, he stepped it up. He stepped it up.

Details in the next post, because this one is long enough...

5th wheel...

Poor Jedi!

Last night I got together with a crowd from work that used to work together.... (and then, LAYOFFS! Grrr....)

It was supposed to be a large crowd, and the organizer specifically said partners/kids were invited... and she invited Jedi by name.

And then... people canceled or didn't show up and I didn't realize it was going to be such a smaller crowd. There ended up being only 4 women (including me!)... and Jedi! Whooops!

He sat quietly most of the time... which, frankly, I appreciated. He didn't complain, but I know it's not fun to sit and listen to people you don't know talk about other people you don't know. Whenever he opened his mouth to talk-- I wished he hadn't. (Is that terrible of me? Probably.)

Like I said, it's not that Jedi is dumb-- he's not. He's just uninformed in general--(which I'm working on. The nightly news now figures as part of our routine... shocking, I know.) The problem is that he'll join in on a conversation but be about 2 steps behind everyone else.... and not realize it. I admit it, it makes me cringe.

That wasn't so much the case last night (I can't expect him to be up on the details of evil coworker's baby, when the truth is that even I barely care about evil coworker's baby. Like I said-- terrible person. Feel free to throw tomatoes at your monitor,) but it's certainly the case most of the time when I bring him out in public.

It's weird-- in private, I don't mind his general lack of knowledge so much, because he IS curious and wants to learn-- he just hasn't been exposed to much. In public though I feel like it reflects poorly on me, and I just want to be like, "Stop talking!!!" (I know, I know--terrible person...!!!)

I know I'm in the early stages of the relationship and so I'm inclined to overlook things... but I do wonder if this will end up being a deal breaker. On the other hand, I also know that he generously overlooks many of my flaws. If the worst I can say about him is that he isn't up on current events, in the grand scheme of things, how important is that? The problem is that I don't know the answer yet.

Friday, December 18, 2009

I've grown accustomed to his face...

Has it been a whole week since I updated? Damn! Bad blogger! Bad! In my defense, this has been a HELLACIOUS week at work... (and awesomely, it only promises to get better in the new year...)

The hellaciousness (and impending layoffs!) at work have led me to be clicking incessantly on job sites looking for something else. But not just something else, something better... because as far as things go, objectively, I know my job (I'm an event planner) is one a lot of people would kill for. As for me? It just gives me an ulcer because I'm so high stress. Event planners need to be laid back people-- and I'm totally high strung. The "free" trips out to San Francisco or Florida in the middle of winter in the Northeast seems like an amazing perk to some people... FEH! It's not a vacation, believe me. It's very high stress.

But I digress... I have a pretty clear picture of what I want to do next. I feel like it would incorporate the aspects of the job I enjoy while doing away (or minimizing) the aspects I dislike. Ideally, I would like to stay with the same university I work with now, but working in the admissions office, but in general I feel like admissions work is something I would both be good at, would enjoy and find challenging... but I would not want to kill myself at the end of the day. (Always a plus!)

One other thing that I've been thinking a lot about is moving back overseas. I lived in France and in Ireland for many years, and now I'm settled in a quaint little town... and worried I'll end up spending the rest of my life here! I have a friend who is moving to Abu Dhabi... and I'm all like, "Pack me in your suitcase!"

Well, yesterday I saw two positions in an admissions office at a school in Paris posted. I was like, Hello, universe! Are you sending me a sign???

Except... well... Except... what about Jedi?

BELIEVE ME, I know I will not make life-altering decisions or make my life revolve around a guy. I promised myself that a long time ago.

But. Well. I know he wouldn't be able to come with me... not in the near future, and not in the far future either. He would have really no job prospects there (for a variety of reasons.) (Interestingly enough, he'd probably do better in Abu Dhabi than France since English is the lingua franca there.)

And while he wouldn't be the deciding factor... at this point... well, he's become a factor.

I did the whole living in France thing for 5 years. And while I love the city, I love my family there, I love the culture... I was terribly lonely and miserable. Not because I didn't have a guy (believe me, I know having a man/not having a man is not the root cause of my issues), but I know I spent an awful lot of time wishing I could just find someone who loves me....

...loves me the way Jedi already does.

... Yeah.

I spent 10 years being single. I mean, yeah-- sure, I dated a lot. But it never went anywhere-- and I sure as hell met a lot of frogs. Now that I met a guy who's not one, why do I want to run away from that? I'm thinking I don't want to run away right now,and, as my therapist pointed out, that's a hell of a lot of progress.

Jedi's not perfect, but I'm starting to think he might just be perfect for me.

I've grown accustomed to him. Having him around my house all the time seems normal. I miss him when he's gone (the horrors!). I enjoy his company, whether we're actively doing something or not. Ok, yeah... I know that some of you are probably thinking, "DUH! Dummy! This is what dating is about!!!"

But, well, it's new to me. So, let's go with it for awhile....

(Pssst! I am, however, going to be applying for those jobs. As Npapaya points out, we can cross that bridge when we come to it. And there are layoffs coming up! Gotta be prepared, right!?)

Friday, December 11, 2009

Let's revisit this in 6 months...

I talked to Ramses a bit, as well as my therapist... They confirmed what I was already feeling (well, in my therapist's case, that's her job)... that there's no need to rush into officially "moving in" ... (and yes, everything in this relationship has been very condensed, which both freaks me out, yet doesn't make me uncomfortable. I don't know how both things can be true, but they are.)

HOWEVER... I do know that I need to have a "come to God" talk with Jedi regarding money... not only because it's bugging me, but because it's one of those issues in a relationship that can ruin an otherwise good thing. Just need to get it all out on the table and set some kind of payment schedule or something... (Like, whenever you get a paycheck (2x/month) you leave $100 on my counter... or something.)

I don't know--- I did up my budget so he can see how much I'm in the hole every month (-$500... ouch! Due mostly cause of school right now, but even when I'm not in school, I'll still be barely breaking even-- -$25/month, but I supplement with babysitting.) I kind of get the impression that he thinks I'm rich because on paper I make so much more than he does...

We live in a CRAZY expensive area though, and since he's never lived on his own (always with parents or in a dorm) I just don't think he has a clue.

Example to this: For one of his classes he's going to need internet access next term. I don't have internet at my house (I refuse to get it as I know I would only end up doing work stuff over the weekend, which would lead to more stress.) Jedi asked if he could get it installed at my place, and he would pay for it.

I said sure, and he's said, "Great, when do you think you can get it installed." I was like- "Hold on, buck-o. Dealing with utility companies is a PITA. YOU'RE getting it installed."

He responded with, "But I don't know how someone goes about getting Internet installed."

It's at moments like this when I'm reminded not only of HOW YOUNG HE IS... (which is one thing)... But also HOW SHELTERED HE IS.

I was living on my own (ok, my parents helped support me, but I was bringing home $1500/month teaching English too) as of the age of 18. I'd moved to a foreign country by myself, I was in the middle of nowhere, I set up utilities, I rented an apartment, etc. etc. Yes, I had some help, but I find it mind-boggling that at the age of 22 someone doesn't know how to call up the cable company to have them install high-speed.

I *was* going to make him do it (I swear), but given how I've seen he's impulsive on other purchases, I decided to do it, so that I could wait for a good deal. (Those fliers with promotions come every month or so- sometimes offering a free netbook, even!)

I will however, put the bill entirely in his name. The kid's got to grow up and start paying them some time...

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Another Big Question

Soooo..... Um.....

I've been seriously thinking about asking letting Jedi move in with me. (I say letting only because he wanted to move in about 2 weeks after we met.)

There are some major downsides to this--

The Cons:

First-- (and most importantly)-- It FREAKS me out. (I guess that should be the end of the post right there, huh?) But, well, it doesn't freak me out for any really logical reasons-- it just freaks me out because I'm someone who wants space-- emotional and physical.

Second- Space. As in, I really don't have any. I live in a 600 sq ft apartment-- 1 bed/1 bath. Where would I put his stuff?! Basically, I think I would move in an extra dresser, and move my coats out of the hall closet, but poor guy really wouldn't be able to move any books or anything else in. (Not that he minds... or so he says.)

Third - Yes, we've only been going out for 3 months. This could end tomorrow. If I don't let him move in, this could end pretty painlessly (in terms of logistics). If I let him move in, this could get really messy.

The Pros

First-- Call me mercenary if you must, but if Jedi moved in his share of the rent/utilities would be about $500. (That's adjusted using the Suze Orman % formula, whereby expenses are shared based on the percentage of income each person brings in-- So, Jedi would actually be paying 42% of expenses, and I'd be paying 58%) That... would be super helpful! I might actually be able to save something!

Because, well, let's face it-- yes, my expenses haven't really gone UP-- I'd be using the same amount of heat/cable etc... even if he wasn't here. And we unofficially split groceries, taking turns paying. But. Well. On some level, I do feel like I'm subsidizing his life. Other than a car, he really has no expenses.

If I start charging him for rent though... well... I can't exactly be like, "You need to go HOME," when I need alone time, now can I?

Second- He's neat and tidy and does dishes and bathrooms and makes dinner. (Which is more than I do.) That's a total bonus. (I worry though that once the novelty of playing house wears off this will lose its appeal.

Third-- (and yes, most importantly)-- I enjoy having him around 95% of the time. I miss him when he's gone. Even when I like having my bed to myself so I can stretch out... I find myself kinda missing him.

(Oh! And 4th! Total bonus!-- When he stays over I get to work on time because we carpool, and he has to be at work 30 minutes before I do.)


So, what say you, internets? Where do you fall on the spectrum of yes or no?

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

To tell, or not to tell? That is the question...

At what point should I disclose I have a blog to Jedi?

I don't know that I should disclose at all.

On the one hand, if I had a diary it would be none of his business. And that's essentially what this blog is-- sort of a dating diary.

On the other hand... it's public. This wouldn't be an issue if only anonymous people read this, but I know some people who know Jedi offline read this. And maybe he wouldn't be too thrilled about that, though I do think I write mostly innocuous things about him.

I also think that telling him would have the effect of ending the blog (or at least ending honest writing about HIM... which, since he's the only one I'm currently seeing, would have that same effect.)

I don't think he'd be bothered by the blog--not really. But I do think he would bug me until I gave him the URL, which would mean measuring what I say about him a bit more.

On the other other hand, depending on how long this goes, he could end up being hurt that I didn't tell him about it.

So. What say you, internets? To tell, or not to tell?


Because I left my car at my grandparents' place when I drove Jedi to the hospital, I've been without a car for 2 weeks now. My Dad is bringing his trailer and dropping off my car on Saturday, but still-- that's a long time.

Because I've needed to use Jedi's car, he's not really gone home in the past 2 weeks. (Hence, part of my suspicion that this is a devious ploy to move in with me... (mostly kidding.)) I actually haven't gotten (too) sick of him, which is unusual. On the other hand, I'm discovering more and more of his annoying habits--- which, most, while endearing now, will drive me nucking futs in the near future, I can tell. One of those habits is that he falls asleep at 9pm... but he *seems* awake. As in, I'll be having a conversation with him.... and all of a sudden all I hear is, "Bfthhhht...."

It's not really snoring--- it's more like sleep-talking. So, I'll think I'm still carrying on a conversation with him, but his answers won't make any sense and he won't remember a thing I've said. Annoying!

Another annoying thing... (And I have no one but myself to blame for this...) is that we bought a Wii together. (I know, expensive purchase. I told him that when we break up he can visit it every other weekend. Ha ha! He didn't find that funny for some reason... ;-) Now, I know he's a hard-core gamer. I dabble in gaming. I enjoy it-- I can even get engrossed in a particular game or two-- Like Mario or Zelda-- but not to the point that I lose track of time and what's going on around me. Well-- let's just say that since we got the Wii.... there's a whole lot less attention on ME! Whereas before he would sit and watch a movie with me, or we'd make dinner together, now he's all, "Yeah, I'll be there in a few! Just give me a minute."

Sheesh. Shot myself in the foot with that one.

We had dinner with his parents and sister on Sunday. His mom made a really nice dinner, and decorated the house for Christmas. I really, really like his mom. She's very sweet and thoughtful... (and she's hemming some of my dresses!) We'd brought over the Wii to his parents' place and after dinner everyone played. I think I like his mom because in a some ways--- decorating style, cooking style-- she's a lot like my mom.... but she's a lot more low-maintenance than my mom, and a lot less judgemental.

I told Jedi that I'd love to do that every Sunday with his family (which he was excited about...But I told him I'm not inviting myself over.) I think he's going to ask his mom about making it a standing thing though.

So... all-in-all... things are pretty good and humming along!

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Resurfacing Exs (and former flames)

Muckraker just called. Yanno. Just to chat. Just to shoot the breeze. Just to mention that something I had written had made him laugh. And so he wanted to call and tell me that.

In other news, Jedi's Ex girlfriend ( we'll call her Cruddy. Because that's kind of her name. I also find it funny that Ramses also nicknamed her Cruddy, and we've never talked about her with each other...) has been in touch with him.

Now, I'm not the jealous type. I really don't mind if he's in touch with his ex's, but there are ex's and EX's if you know what I mean.

Cruddy is effing INSANE. She dated Jedi when he was 19.... and she wsa 34. I'm sorry, but that is some effed up shit. There was all sorts of other crazy stuff about her... she's Wiccan (um. not that there's anything wrong with that... but. um... you know how some of those Wiccans can get...) She's been married 5 times... she's super clingy... She kept trying to get Jedi to sleep with her again after they'd broken up he'd wised up and dumped her.

Jedi posted some pictures on his facebook page of the two of us... and Cruddy commented on them... rather inappropriately. Cruddy's 15 year old daughter commented on them telling Jedi that he looked really handsome. Cruddy called him 2x in the last few weeks... Just to -- yanno-- catch up. And to let him know she's getting divorced... for the 6th time.


She totally wants him again, and she's still totally gross.

I told Jedi that if he wanted to be in touch with her, that was fine, but that he really shouldn't encourage her... and that she's totally coming onto him. He agreed and said he was going to cut off contact.

Except... That he didn't. In fact, not only did he cut off contact, but he initiated it. For a totally ridiculous reason. He claimed he needed advice on how to properly cite sources.

This led to our first fight.

Um... HELLO! Who is currently working on a Master's and has about a MILLION essays under her belt? Oh yeah. that would be ME. NOT CRUDDY.

He was like... "I know, I know... I called everyone else in my address book before I called her. I couldn't find info on how to cite for these special circumstances online."

I pointed out that I was hurt that he thought of calling her before he thought of calling me.

Then... The telling remark... "I was embarrassed to tell you I didn't know how to do it."


I don't know how to get him over that particular hurdle other than to tell him that he can come to me with stuff like that. No one is born knowing how to cite.

Anyway... no voices were raised and we calmly talked though it, so probably a good 1st fight... But GRRR! I want to call Cruddy and tell that skeezbag to get lost.
Don't worry. I won't. That's not my fight.

A Thanksgiving to Remember

Thanksgiving... didn't quite go as planned.

Apologies for the delay in updating, but I didn't have internet!

Jedi and I went up to my grandparents' place on Wednesday night. We drove separately (a 3 hour drive) because he had to work on Friday.

First- The good part. My grandparents (and my 97 year old great-grandmother) really liked Jedi. Really, Really, Really liked him. (Though, as Npapaya says-- What's not to like about him? There's nothing objectionable!) I know that in her head my grandma was probably planning a wedding (though they did make him sleep chastely on the couch. Ha ha ha.) Jedi also really liked them. He liked my grandpa (who is a difficult personality) and of course loved my grandma (who doesn't!)

I felt bad taking him away from his own family, but he kept insisting that he wanted to be with me.

Now for the BAD part...

On Wednesday night Jedi started feeling unwell. He thought it might just be acid reflux, and so he powered through. On Thursday the pain got worse and moved up into his chest which caused him some slight difficulty breathing. He was supposed to go home on Thursday night (And one can't go home just ANY old time round these parts... you have to wait for a ferry, and so you're trapped on their schedule.) He laid down to rest after Thanksgiving dinner and fell asleep. He asked me to wake him, and I did, but given that he still wasn't feeling well (at this point he'd tried prilosec, rolaids, tums, pepto, xantac, etc.) he decided to take the 1st ferry back in the morning.

My plan had been to stay at my Grandparents' through Monday, and then come home Monday night. When Jedi woke up on Friday morning though (5am to catch the ferry), he was doing worse. It was decided that he needed to go to a doctor. My grandma suggested he go to her doc, but I pointed out that didn't make much since since 1) we'd have to wait 3 hours until his office opened, and 2) he'd only send us to a larger hospital an hour and a half away because he wouldn't be able to do tests in his office.

Now... I admit. I had more than a moment's hesitation about Jedi's illness. Not that I didn't think he was feeling poorly, but I thought he might be playing it up for effect. Maybe that makes me a bad person to have had that moment of doubt, but I kept thinking about how much Jedi didn't want to go back to work that Friday (He'd asked for it off 3 times, but was told no), and how much he ALWAYS wants to be with me, and the fact that he had stated more than once that he would have wanted to spend the whole weekend with me.

I was kind of annoyed. (again, maybe this makes me a bad person) but I totally thought he was playing it up with his unverifiable symptoms. Someone (I don't remember who, maybe my grandma) suggested that he couldn't drive himself. Who knows what would happen if he passed out or something.

Ok. Ok. I decided to drive him home so that he could come to the large hospital closest to our town. If he had to stay in the hospital he wanted to be sure to be close to home, he said.

Well, on the ride home I began to be more worried as it started to be obvious that he wasn't faking his chest pain. I thought he was going to pass out a few times actually, and almost went to the hospital that was closer, but he kept insisting he wanted to be at the hospital close to home.

We went to the ER and I called his mom to come and sit with him while I dropped off my dog at home. I then came back and sat with him and they found that his heart rate is really elevated and irregular and that he has high levels of lead in his system and his hemoglobin levels will cause serious liver damage if it's not reversed. Weirdly enough, they said his chest pain isn't caused by any of those things, and they couldn't figure out what that was. They released him after they deemed it wasn't "life threatening", but have scheduled more tests for later in the month with specialists.

I had had to leave my car up north and so Jedi offered me the use of his car in the meantime and he used his mom's car, which she offered to let him use-- very nice of her.

That time in the hospital is the most time I've spent with his mom actually, and it was nice to get to know her better. Jedi went back to her house to recover over the weekend.... (and yes, I feel bad that I thought he was faking.) I ended up spending a fair bit of time over at their place this weekend though-- had a couple meals, helped to put up the Christmas tree. It was nice to get to know the family better.

I still don't know his prognosis since they're still doing some tests, but he's still having some pain.

On another note-- my grandparents have called 4 times to see how he is.
Guess they must really like him, huh?

(Oh. Did I mention that he surprised me with a pair of earrings I had mentioned liking? Yeah. He's sweet like that.)