No Good Deed Goes Unpunished

Some days I love the work that I do.  Other days I think, this is NOT worth the mental energy it takes to fight off ignorant and willfully inflammatory remarks. Oh, did I mention I work in a women's center?  Yes, I think the education we do is valuable, yes, I'm fighting the good fight, yes, I want to make the world a safer and more equitable place for ALL people. (Contrary to popular belief, Feminisim does not mean stepping on men to get to the top. Really.)  But, well, remarks from people like that are to be expected, and it's part of our continuing outreach.

Sometimes though, the people I work with, who are supposed to be allies in this fight, are so fucking pedantic and self-righteous I think it would just be easier to give up and become a Michelle Bachmann acolyte.

What am I angry about today?  Well, I was contacted by a community member who wanted resources on reaching out to a recent immigrant family that was planning on "circumcising" (aka- Female Genital Mutilation) their young daughter.  The community member worried that she, as a white person, would come across as imperialistic or colonialist and imposing her view when discussing this with them. She didn't want the message about the extreme health risks to be lost just because she was the messenger.  Thoughtful, yes?

In reaching out to my list of contacts I stated that I was looking for someone who was themselves an immigrant member of that ethnic group or an American of that descent... who was also knowledgeable about FGM.

Apparently that last bit was terribly difficult to comprehend as I got back a snarky email telling me how offensive it was that I was asking for someone who was an American descendant of that ethnic group to talk to the family. I was told that it was compared to asking a German American to explain Naziism. (Really? Isn't that a prime example of Godwin's law? But I digress.)

I wrote back, politely, explaining that I wasn't just looking for ANY RANDOM PERSON of XYZ descent, but one who knew about FGM.

*SIGH*

It just annoys me. I feel like it's people like that who drive away fledgling allies to progressive causes.  (e.g. "Oh, you're supportive of transsexual rights? Really? Because calling them transsexual is HORRIBLY offensive, you bigot. Why don't you go back to watching FoxNews."... I wish I could say that was an exaggeration, but that is actually the condensed version of a conversation I overheard not long ago.)

It just makes me want to give up all together. You're damned if you do, and damned if  you don't, right?

It reminds me of a fundraiser I organized for cancer research when I was in high school.  It was in honor of two classmates, both of whom died of cancer, but only one of the classmates was a friend of mine.  I BEGGED the friends of the other classmate to help me organize the fundraiser, but none of them wanted to put in the time.  After the fundraiser I sure got a lot of hell though! I got hell because people didn't like the type of fundraiser it was, (a dance. Too joyous apparently, given that they had both died.), the music played, (the other classmate didn't like that artist, didn't I know that?), the specific charity money was given to (the other classmate didn't die of that TYPE of cancer, didn't I know that?)... etc, etc, etc.  In fact, I never got more criticism-- from people who refused to help or give input-- than when I put on that fundraiser.

Flash forward to the present day. Sure, I now give money to causes, but I haven't volunteered to help run a charity event since.  No wonder, right? Who would after that previous experience.

Today's little exchange just makes me want to throw in the towel on doing diversity/gender education.  WTF is the point when even the people who are supposed to be on your team only criticize instead of help?

I fucking hate everyone today.

Can you even SEE the line anymore?

Remember how I was just complaining about Jedi's ex, Cruddy, like... oh... 5 seconds ago?

She just stepped so far over the she wouldn't be able to SEE the line from where she is now.

So, after Jedi ignored Cruddy's texts this morning she took that as a sign to call him. Jedi answered the call (foolish, foolish man...!)...

---------------------------------------------------------------

I wasn't there, but apparently the call went something like this:

Cruddy: It's not nice to ignore your friends...

Jedi:... um...

Cruddy: I've been thinking about you alot lately. Why didn't you answer my texts? It's because of your new girlfriend, isn't it?

Jedi:.... um....

Cruddy: I saw your new pictures on facebook. You looked really hot.

Jedi: ... um...

Cruddy: I saw the way you were looking at Hypatia in your pictures. I miss you looking at me that way. I hope one day you'll look at me that way again.

Jedi:...um... I'm with Hypatia...

Cruddy: I know. Do you think it will last forever? Will you invite me to the wedding? I probably won't be invited will I?

Jedi: ... Um... we're not getting married...

Cruddy: So would you invite me? I'm your friend, aren't I? You should invite your friends. You shouldn't ignore your friends.

Jedi: ... Um... I need to go...

Cruddy: I still want to be part of your life. I'll always love you. You're one of my best friends...

Jedi: ... Um... I have to pick up Hypatia. I need to go.

Cruddy: Call me back later!

----------------------------

Seriously!? WTF, right?

I mean, I'm not worried about Jedi cheating on me. He's shown me in more ways than one he's hopelessly devoted... But he's also a total pushover who hates confrontation.

I told him I didn't want to be one of "those" types of girlfriends-- the crazy, jealous, controlling types-- and so I wasn't going to tell him what to do-- but that he needed to do something because what she is doing is beyond inappropriate.

I told him that Cruddy is obviously NOT his "friend" because a real friend wouldn't be so disrespectful of his relationship and try to undermine it. She's (DUH DUH DUH!) using the "friendship" line as a way to stay connected in his life in the hopes that he'll eventually go back to her... (And become husband #7 presumably...).

I told him that he needed to point out to her how disingenuous she's being and call her on her bullshit by saying, "If you were really my friend you would respect my relationship. I can see that you're not at a place right now, based on what you've said, to be my friend. I think it's best that you're not in contact with me again until you can respect me and Hypatia."

He offered to go ahead and block her, but that would just give her more fodder for her delusions I think-- about how I'm being controling and keeping him from her because I'm insecure. It really needs to come from him and he needs to be direct about it... but knowing how he hates confrontation I don't know if that's going to happen. But he can't just keep ignoring her calls/texts the way he has been because it obviously just feeds her obsession.

Additionally, I told him that he needs to be SUPER clear with her because as a girl (with high-school level social skills) I know I would read his lack of directness as an invitation to continue contacting him... thinking to myself, his current girlfriend is temporary! He still has feelings for me (as evidenced by the fact that he didn't tell me to shove off!) I just need to bide my time!

Ugh. Yuck.

As a side note, Cruddy's 16 year old daughter just contacted Jedi on IM to tell him how hot he is in his new pictures.

GROSS.

That family has some issues they need to work out.

I'm about ready to kill him...

It's days like today when I think, "Damn. This is NEVER going to work out."

In some ways Jedi reminds me of my mother and sister in that they all have issues with learned helplessness.

Jedi has been complaining about his job since I've known him... yet he's never done JACK SHIT about it.
I've sent him job leads that he's never followed up on. I've sent him example cover letters that he's never used to revise his own. I've sent him example resumes that he's never used as examples.

It is SO frustrating.

This weekend I found a position that would be a great position for him. He's been doing menial work (which bothers me, yes it does, because I'm a classist snob, I admit it,) with no future. The position I found for him is a much better position in many respects-- not the least of which because it offers the possibility of advancement, whereas the job he's currently in is deadendsville.

He's currently in school, yes, but-- frankly, I have MAJOR doubts as to his ability to get a job in the field he's studying. It's not just because he doesn't seem to have much aptitude in those various subjects, but he also lacks motivation.

I, however, am not lacking in motivation-- I have enough for TWO people, dontcha know.

He would have been content to sit around and watch anime (yes, he's a total dork) all day long... but I nagged him (oh, yes, I did,) until he started working on his cover letter and resume.

However... as I mentioned, he is much like my mother and sister... in that it takes me a million years to teach them how to do something that would take me 5 minutes to do myself. And he was doing a totally shitty job on his cover letter and resume. (I'm sorry to say it, and it sounds totally harsh-- but it's the truth. TOTAL SHIT JOB.)

So, what did I do? *sigh* What I probably shouldn't have done-- I took over. Yes, I did. I rewrote his resume and wrote his cover letter from scratch. It took me an hour... if I'd left him to his own devices, it would be sometime next June before he'd be done... and let's face it, it would still be TOTAL SHIT.

Am I annoyed? Yes, yes I am. I suppose I should only be annoyed with myself, but he spent the time I was doing it moping over my shoulder, sighing loudly, and being all, "I don't know how to do this..." PISSED ME OFF.

Then, when it came time to apply online he couldn't figure out how to do that. He was whining-- (to himself, but really to me...) about how he couldn't figure it out-- but that's where I draw the line. He's a grown up, he can figure out how to apply for his own damned job!

I would feel guilty about rewriting everything if the job he's applying for required any writing skills (then it would totally be a lie because, frankly, he can't write worth SHIT,)... but if he can't figure out how to apply for the damned job... frankly, he doesn't deserve it, and I don't want to hear him complain about the one he has anymore.

Grr.

Does this sound harsh? Maybe... but I have a headache from dealing with him today and it was all I could do not to scream at him to just fucking DO IT already.

Also, I'm irrationally annoyed that when we were with my friends yesterday he was reading something aloud and came across a word he couldn't pronounce. He asked me for help saying, "I've never seen this word before."

The word was IMPECCABLE.

Seriously?

For Fuck's SAKE?

You've never seen/heard the word IMPECCABLE before?

AAAArrrrgggggghhhhhhhh......!!!!!!!

HEADMEETDESK

Maybe I'm overreacting, but right now I'm just SOOOOOO thinking we are not a match made in heaven!

a non-booty call?

Science guy called me at 1am, drunk, and asked me if I wanted to come over... and sleep over.

(Uh. No. Thanks for that awesome offer though.)

He then proceeded to talk to me for an hour about how attractive he found me, how much he likes my boobs, and how he wants me to meet his parents.

Interspersed with all of this were protestations about how he just wants to be friends, how he's not looking for anything else, because he doesn't want to complicate things.

Toward the end I started getting really annoyed with him and just said-- "I don't really care. Do whatever you want. It doesn't make any difference to me." And really? It doesn't. But I told him I was sick of his wishy-washiness.

We'll see if any of this sinks in once he's sober.

Ugh.

Done! So, So, So, So, DONE!

Ok, so it's taken me awhile, (much longer, I admit, than it really ought to have!) to get to this point, but I realize I am DONE with muckraker..

Not a wishy-washy done, but a-- omifucking gawed, what could I ever have seen in him-- DONE.

Done, stick a fork in him, done.

Done, call the mortuary, done.

Done, (like I wish my final paper was,) DONE

SO FUCKING DONE!

What got me to this point (especially when even yesterday I was still kinda on the fence about him?)

There was a group dinner and then a formal this evening, which was very fun. Muckraker was there, but he was his usual sketchy self, and on top of that he was really quite rude-- interrupting his conversation with me whenever someone more interesting stopped by to chat. (yes, it's fine to include someone new in a conversation. It's fucking RUDE to turn your back on the person you were talking to and exclude them from the new conversation you're now having with someone who came up to join in the conversation!)

You'd think that would be enough for me to say, I'm done with this... but no... I stuck around for more conversation. As Muckraker saw this complete asshole walk by Muckraker asked me what I thought about him. Did I find him attractive?

Um. Hell to the NO. That dude is sketchy as as an etch-a-sketch and probably carrying a fair number of STDs as yet undiagnosed by modern medicine.

We then watched as a girl chased after the asshole... and we both knew those two had been hooking up for a time.

So Muckraker starts talking about how women always go for assholes and smooth talkers and what idiots women are... (I know, I know, right? At that point I was like- Wait. Am I being punked? You're talking about me, right? And my infatuation with you? And yes, apparently I'm an idiot.)

And then... the part where I almost laughed in his face... he starts talking about how much he hates those asshole guys because "Nice Guys®" (like him) never get the girl.

Ding ding ding ding ding! The bells are ringing! The lights are dawning! Muckraker identifies himself as a "Nice Guy®."

Freakin' A!

I get it now!

I understand!

Eureka!

The clouds have parted, the light is shining through!


If only he'd identified himself as a "Nice Guy®" at the beginning I would have known to stay miles, and miles, and miles away! All this time I was thinking he was a nice guy. You know, a guy who is actually nice. Not a "Nice Guy®"

So, What's the difference between a nice guy and a "Nice Guy®"?

Well, I'll let Divalion tell you, since she did such a great job of it:


There are two kinds of nice guys in the world. Or, perhaps more accurately, there is a spectrum of niceguyishness.

At one end, are the guys who are just pure and simple good guys, decent people, humanly flawed perhaps but nonetheless likable *and* lovable, caring and smart, who have a lot to offer. Ironically, these guys often do not realize just how wonderful they are and how much they are valued by the people around them, and sometimes they even suffer crippling shyness/low self-esteem. I am fortunate to know, and have known, and to be related to, an unusually high number of guys towards this end of the spectrum.

At the other end are the guys who identify as "nice guys", often quite loudly and defensively, and who believe themselves to be underappreciated martyrs; usually they don't understand why they never get the girl and have at least once in their lives bitterly uttered the phrase "Nice guys finish last" usually in reference to a female who isn't dating them. It is this latter group I shall be addressing.


They tend to befriend women in order to date them. Nice Guys don't usually just ask a woman out and at least make a pretext of friendship to use as a springboard. This is where they can get confused with actual nice guys, who tend to also befriend women before dating them, but the difference is that the genuine nice guy appreciates women as human beings and enters into friendships mostly for their own sake rather than working them as an angle. The Nice Guy, on the other hand, sees women mostly in sexual terms (although he will deny it or call it "romantic terms") but doesn't have a lot of success with the direct approach, so instead he puts on a charming, harmless face in order to befriend women with the expectation that she will reward his niceness and friendship with sex. It can be a subtle difference, but there are clues-- the Nice Guy tends to come on pretty strong as a friend, and often makes "joking" sexual comments that can be dismissed as not intended seriously if the woman doesn't respond to the come-on implied in it. He will hang his belief that you would make great friends on the smallest of compatibilities-- for example a shared interest in a band, which he makes an awful lot of hay out of. He may talk a lot about how victimized he's been by cruel ex-girlfriends in a ploy for sympathy.



...Most Nice Guys only fall for a fairly limited range of "hot" chicks. It's because women are all about the status for them, and they are out to prove something to the world. Some of them will deliberately only go after women who are fairly unattainable, if their martyr complex needs some care and feeding.

Nice Guys don't actually care what a woman wants, which is one of the keys to identifying a Nice Guy vs. a nice guy, and which runs directly counter to their most deeply held beliefs about themselves. They think that they are great, caring, compassionate partners; usually, they just want a captive audience. They don't have much respect for what her desires and preferences are unless they are for him, because if she wants something different than him, it is attributed to her dysfunction and desire to be treated badly by an asshole. They may spend some time with pick-up books and things that tell them how to get chicks, but they tend to follow the letter of the law and not the spirit. That's why he'll serenade you on a subway platform even though he knows you don't like to call attention to yourself, and then be hurt that you were uncomfortable and embarrassed by the display. He likes to make a big show out of being romantic and considerate, especially when others are watching, but he will still forget to pick up his socks even if you've told him you'd rather have a clean floor than roses delivered to your office.

The absolute key difference between a nice guy and a Nice Guy is that the nice guy truly likes and respects women and doesn't feel entitled to the attentions of any woman. The Nice Guy pretends to be that, but secretly he has decided that all women suck (usually for the sins of a couple of them), and he doesn't really care about anything so much as propping up his limp ego.


There are a lot of Nice Guys out there, and they are incredibly insidious, because on the surface they SEEM so sweet, so misunderstood, so very different from the boorish asshole who cheated on you or told you that those pants do, indeed, make your ass look fat. But in the end, they turn out to be using their "niceness" as an excuse to hide behind, much like medieval aristocracy used cloying perfumes to cover up the ass-stank of their unwashed bodies.


Thank you, Divalion, thank you. I'll leave you with one last word from her... Because this should be obvious, but somehow it's not.

I have some news for you, Nice Guys of the world. "Nice" isn't as much of a selling point as you'd think. In fact, for most women, it's like expecting that your new car will come with wheels attached.

Muckraker, I really kind of hate you.

Or maybe I really only hate myself for hoping what I hadn't allowed myself to hope in a really long time.

As I said in a long ago post, I rarely allow myself to be hopeful on first dates anymore. I used to get happy with anticipation, thinking to myself, ok! Maybe this guy will be great! Maybe this will be the start of something! But after awhile I just got-- I don't know-- beaten down with disappointment.

And so I stopped hoping and I started looking at dates as interviews and began looking forward to them just as much.

All the joy of discovering another person went completely out the window.

This isn't because I'm "goal-oriented" in the sense of... "I must get married, have a white house with a picket fence and 2.5 kids..." but rather I'm goal-oriented in the sense that I want to be completely open and comfortable with someone, and I have spent my entire life being closed and uncomfortable with people.

I think that would surprise my friends actually, because I know I present as someone open and at ease most of the time, but I do think they'd also acknowledge that the closer I get the more of a mess they realize me to be.

And so even though I was dating up a storm, I was getting nowhere, and I was (am) more closed off than ever.

And then muckraker caught me off-guard. And he saw me at my messy, stubborn, annoying, petulant self.... and he seemed to like me anyways. And he seemed to be interested in me anyways.

And maybe it was because I was so off-guard that I let him in more than I've let any guy in for years, and the connection seemed so real, so strong. And I started to hope. I hoped in a way I hadn't hoped in years. I hoped harder than I ever had before, no doubt because I hadn't let myself feel any hope in years.

And then... NOTHING. From one day to the next-- intense interest, then NOTHING.

The connection I felt with muckraker may have been a one-sided one, but it didn't feel that way at the time. And I don't think I imagined his interest. Some might say it was based on wishful thinking, but I do take solace in the fact that my friends who observed him say that he was definitely into me.

And so I was in denial... was there something else going on in his life? There had to be a reason, an excuse.... but it really doesn't matter.

I know some people must be wondering why on earth I am so hung up on something which was the flirtation of a month or two, nothing more, and I understand that. I probably would be wondering who on earth is this loony chick too. The reason? Is hope.

It's not the loss of muckraker I'm lamenting because I never had him. It's the loss of hope that is causing me despair.

And I really kind of hate him for making me believe in hope again, and then just as abruptly taking that hope away.

And I don't know how many times I can keep being disappointed before I just give up completely.

Mistress Mary, Quite Contrary...

I took the day off of work today, which was a good decision, I think. This is apparently the most depressing day of the year, btw. I'm a little down... I just couldn't get the gumption to go in to the office today.

I met Science Guy for lunch (after his insistence yesterday that he wanted to see me.) It was perfectly nice, I enjoy his company. (I would also like to point out that he insisted on paying... which, in this circumstance a "friend" would not normally do, I think.) Again, his attentiveness is a nice contrast... to muckraker.

Seriously though, how fucked up is it that even though Science guy has shown in actions how vastly superior he is to muckraker... I'm still pining after muckraker. AARRRGGGHH!

I'm reminded actually about how when I was casually seeing Atlas how much I preferred Science guy to him. And now that (I guess?) I'm casually--kinda--? seeing Science guy, I prefer Muckraker to him. I have issues, I know! Apparently I'm just a contrarian. If Muckraker were paying attention to me and Science guy wasn't, would I be more into science guy?

*sigh* Perhaps, perhaps.

I am so screwed if this is the case as it means I'll never be able to want someone who wants me.

FUCK.

In which I am proven wrong

Ah, Facebook! How do I love thee? Let me count the ways!

Except of course, when it gives me evidence of my own idiocy...!

That "relationship" status is a bitch, I tell you! (Which is precisely why I don't have mine listed, btw.)

So, remember how I thought that Griffith was flirting with me the a week or so ago? And how he said, "Let's hang out when I'm back in town?" ... And how I took that to mean, "Hmmm... Maybe he is interested in me... hmmm...I think I would be interested in him!..."?

Well, he just changed his relationship status to "In a Relationship."

DOH!

Ok, so presumably he actually DID just want to "Hang out." That's ok, I can deal with that. :-p I obviously read something into our interaction that wasn't there.

This, of course, worries me. Not that he's in a relationship-- I wish him all the best-- but the fact that I misread him.

If you'll recall, I also completely misread Science Guy. (I thought he was blowing me off, but it turns out he thought I was blowing him off)

So we now have two prime exhibits in which I completely misread a situation.

Let's see... Can I make it three for three? Perhaps tomorrow I'll find out Muckraker got engaged over the holidays...! That would be awesome. So awesome, I may have to foreswear the opposite sex forever!

Not all in my head!

I think I'm in a good place right now. I'm enjoying having a crush without obsessing over it the way I did a few weeks ago.

I had lunch with my friend Nell today. She is also friends with Muckraker (She didn't know about my crush... during most of our conversation over lunch...), and she had some interesting perspectives on him. In part she agreed with NPapaya, and in part she agreed with me (who has rose colored glasses on.)

Nell pointed out Muckraker's mature/yet immature dual nature. He seems to want to relive his lost, non-misspent, youth. (Apparently he was a nerd-- which, frankly he kinda still is.... ) So he's hanging out in frat basements... which-- um EW! And hanging with a fratty, douchey crowd.

But both she and I have trouble reconciling that with the guy who I have really intense conversations with... And she's had great conversations (Though, non-flirty ones) with him too, and she finds him to be brilliant. She also pointed out that she feels like he has some sort of trauma in his past that is keeping him from moving forward-- (Some of his issues I know about already having read some of his works.)

Funnily enough she was also like-- "Wait, you mean you guys *aren't* dating? Everyone in our group (of mutual master's program friends) assumed you were already dating!"

And I was like-- Uh, no! "He hasn't contacted me or asked me out or anything!" and she was responded, "What the hell is his problem? Because it certainly seemed like you were already a couple the last few times I saw you!"

To which I was like-- "Uh, THANK YOU! Exactly! WTF is wrong with him?"

And she was like--- "It's mature immaturity..." And she was said, "I really like him, I think he's a great guy, and you should give him a chance-- you should definitely date him-- but yeah, he does have an immature streak, so don't wait around for him either."

And I'm totally not waiting around-- I've been out with Science guy, and there are a couple other irons in the fire online.

So, that's where things stand now. But it made me feel good to know I hadn't imagined his interest! I mean, she said even one of Muckraker's (pretty close) guy friends thought Muckraker and I were dating... so, there you go! Not all in my head!

Now all the idiot needs to do is actually ASK me out!!! Or be in some kind of contact!

Men! Are they all this idiotic?

Raise your hand if you don't know why THIS guy is single!!!

BWahahahahahaha! Omigawed! I'm laughing so hard... PHew! Hahahaha!

Got the most (inadvertently) hilarious email today. This guy seems to think he's God's Gift to women.

I think I know why he's single. Can YOU spot why he's single???

BWAHAHAHA!!!

{wiping tears of laughter away}

Enjoy:


Headline: I am Exceptional, Decisive, and Sophisticated

Message:
Maybe we should think about getting together and doing something sometime. Even if it was just short-term dating.

(Wow! Thanks for that offer! That's swell of you! Letting me know ahead of time that you want me for short-term dating. SWEET! I'll totally rush to take you up on that.)

And there's more! (Why wouldn't there be!??!)



I made a decision that I'm only going to let one girl as anything more than a friend into my life at a time. This happened after meeting someone super duper special and deciding that I needed to slow down tremendously.

I've met a lot of girls lately. For awhile, it was just about falling for whoever had their arms open and wanted me. The truth is that now, particularly with who I've evolved into, I've realized that I'm a lot better than that.

So what you, as a viewer need to know is that I am not seeing anyone right now as anything more than a friend and that if you would like to include yourself in that group of friends who might become something more, that would be nice.

I'll talk to you because I don't discriminate until I get to know a person.
You'll find that I am everything I say I am (honest, sophisticated, exciting, romantic, funny, confident and exceptional in many ways) .

Maybe we'll instant message or exchange emails for a little bit before I ask to talk on the phone.
Maybe we'll talk on the phone or text each other before I ask to see you.
Maybe we'll meet up and I'll have a great time before we go on a date.
Maybe we'll go on a date or two before the emotion starts to overtake at which point I'll either tell you that I want to just stay friends or ask whether you want to be the girl in my life.
And if you're lucky, you'll have a choice to make.
And if you're special, you'll make me happy.



Hmmmm... Doesn't this guy remind you of Dimitri?

Yeah, there's TOTALLY nothing wrong with this guy.... Bwhahaha!

Wow! You're such a catch!

I am a take charge kind of guy with a dominant personality. I love life and I have a positive attitude regardless of circumstances. I am charismatic and humorous. I am emotionally available, and I know how to please a woman.I am more dominant than submissive in the bedroom, and I like to talk dirty, role play, and fantasize. You should be an alpha female who may be dominant in her life , but who submits to her man outside of the bedroom. You should have a positive attitude,be humorous, and be educated ( or self-taught ),intelligent, and enjoy sex often. Please : don't have children that live with you, be a convicted felon, do drugs, be a party girl, or have a mental disability ( been there, done that ). If you smoke, be willing to quit ( I did, I'll show you how to). If you are overweight be willing to loose the weight ( I did, I'll show you how to ). Please be willing to dress sexy with make-up in private for my eyes only. Finally, this is not a sex ad, if that's all you want, please find someone else. Thank you for reviewing my ad.

Who can resist a guy like that, huh? Ooo baby! Sign me up!

No Energy

There's been nothing to report lately, and I don't really have the energy to date right now. I'm not so much disheartened as I am exhausted.

I'm sick of constantly looking for the "right" person. Certainly not sick enough to settle for the "wrong" person-- (Heaven forbid! I'll NEVER be one of THOSE girls!)-- but just generally tired of the online scene.

One of the crazy guys from a month or so ago that I had contemplated going out with (but then cut off contact when he started being really odd... and insulting!) contacted me again. I contemplated saying yes for a millisecond and then told him that based on our previous contact I didn't think we were a good fit--but best of luck.

His response? "I wasn't in to you anyways."

*Sigh* Dodged that bullet, but whereas I could have laughed at it awhile back, I'm just too tired to come up with something snarky in response.

Hopeless? I'm not entirely hopeless, but I do feel like it shouldn't be this hard. I admit that a lot of this is colored by hearing a fair number of stories recently about people who "Just knew!" when they found "The one!"

Now, I don't even know if I believe in the idea of "the one!" (Or even, of many ones!), but I certainly like the idea! And I alternately feel hopeful, hopeless and inadequate in hearing those "happily ever after stories."

I know many people felt I didn't give Atlas a fair shake. I didn't feel much attraction to him, but I admit that even I don't know how much of that was because there really *wasn't* any spark there... or that I was unwilling to let one develop because I was looking for a reason to push him away from the beginning. Honestly, I don't know the true answer to that.

All I wonder is, should this really be this hard? I'm NOT unhappy being single, I actually enjoy it 99.9% of the time. But it would be nice if there were viable options out there. Ya know. Just to take for a test run.

Nothing much to report

So here's some fun stuff from jezebel. Go read the whole thing.


"Oh, and let's not get started on the whole bullshit "nice guys don't get the girl" that all these guys re-hash. Well, yeah, sure, if The Girl is the head cheerleader (and she always is) — but were they ever asking out the girl who was President of Students Against Drunk Driving and the German club (i.e., dorky, awkward me)? Some of them were, sure, but I'll be damned if most of them aren't happily married to truly pleasant women who they adore. My photo albums from high school to this day are a virtual pantheon of sweet, dorky guys who asked me out or who I asked out, most of whom were actually as nice as they look and none of whom were bad boys.

I dated two legitimately bad dudes in my life — the first one, in high school, I dumped rather ungraciously on our second date for grabbing my ass, and the second one more recently who I dumped, equally ungraciously, after about a month of jealous fits. One of the supposedly nice ones tells Hymowitz:


According to a “Recovering Nice Guy” writing on Craigslist, the female preference for jerks and “assholes,” as they’re also widely known, lies behind women’s age-old lament, “What happened to all the nice guys?” His answer: “You did. You ignored the nice guy. You used him for emotional intimacy without reciprocating, in kind, with physical intimacy.”
Oh, so, the only reason you were ever nice to a girl, the only reason you ever got close to a girl, was to fuck her? Don't worry, dude, you were never a nice guy. You probably didn't get fucked more because when you were holding a girl crying she caught you feeling up her boob. By comparison, at least a bad boy doesn't lie about his intentions or caring about your feelings.

So, look, the problem is that there are no rules, and there is no one end game any more. Great. I'm glad there's not. I don't mind paying for dinner, or going to see a hockey movie on Valentine's Day, or calling first or opening my own fucking doors — and I don't mind being paid for, or getting roses or being called or having a door opened for me — and I am damn glad that I don't have to hang up my dating spurs at 31 and call myself a spinster and start knitting booties for my younger sister's eventual children. And, yes, it's more difficult because in the absence of rules and regulations, in the dearth of universal social expectations and proscribed life paths, no one knows what anyone else is really looking for in a two minute interaction. But this is solved by actually not expecting things from people you don't know, and by treating women as individuals worth more than the sexual pleasure they might or might not eventually afford you. And it doesn't help to bitch about how all women are shallow, money-hungry harpies who you're just going to game the way they've gamed you. Maybe you've been gamed because as a shallow, money- and pussy-obsessed prick who isn't interested in getting to know a person, you missed out on more than just being played."

You tell me what's wrong with this email!

hi-
After reading your profile, I think we may have alot in common and would like to get to know you.
What I have to offer is I am nice, handsome, happy, funny, trustworthy, kind, not-boring, not afraid of commitment, responsible but fun, and giving person. I am disease and drug free, and hold down a great job. I am looking for a NICE girl, and hopefully a future committment.
I hope to hear back from you, so we can start a great friendship.- randomguy

Now, I'm sure that this guy thinks this is a perfectly reasonable first email to send to someone. On the surface, there's not really anything that wrong with it... and yet... it kinda squicks you out, doesn't it?

Let's figure out why:

1) Listing of good attributes. This doesn't tell me what you're really like-- this tells me how you think about yourself. And this tells me you love yourself and AWFUL lot. Also? Telling me you're trustworthy doesn't make me trust you. In fact, it does the opposite. Trustworthy people don't go around telling everyone how much they should trust them. They kind of assume everyone is trustworthy until it's proven otherwise. That you feel the need to TELL me you're trustworthy pretty much tells me you're not.

2) You're doing what you're supposed to be doing!-- Which is- being drug & disease free, and holding down a job! Wow! you want a cookie? Congratulations. Similarly to above, people who have their shit together don't feel the need to point out they have their shit together.

3) Baggage! Saying you want a "NICE" girl (in all caps mind you!) screams "I have unresolved issues! I'm going to be mistrustful and take out my misplaced anger on you!" Sweet! Who doesn't want to sign up for that deal!

Any I missed...? I'm sure there are several. Seriously guys!? Why do you do this? Do you have NO social skills?

... sigh ...

Things could always be worse...

Yes, I've been missing in action for about a week... but that's because I was at the most amazing 3-day wedding extravaganza in San Francisco! So fun! So over-the-top magnificent!

The only damper on things came Wednesday morning when it became clear Proposition 8, an intolerant, discriminatory proposition preventing gays and lesbians to marry passed.

My lovely friends, who have been together 10+ years, got married the Saturday before the election, and now they're in limbo. It's a very sad outcome.

As my friend B. said-- Was there a memo that went out saying "Racism is so passe, everyone hop on the anti-gay train!" Discriminatory propositions also passed in Florida & Arkansas.

While America congratulates itself on electing Obama (Thus proving how we've "overcome" racism... NOT QUITE!), let us not forget there are a few things to be ashamed of as well.

No one is equal until ALL are treated equally.

....

And I'll step off my soapbox to submit a very amusing (though not for her! Sorry, NPapaya!) story!

Enjoy!

************************************

So, some of you know that recently the ex-fiance of a work acquaintance was in
touch with me on match.com. After a bit of debate I decided it was kosher for me
to go out with him at least once. I should mention I don't know why they called
off the engagement or what any of their issues may have been. Our date was
scheduled for tonight.

This morning I checked email and saw two messages from this person sent late
last night. (As an aside, no this is not some sort of Halloween prank).

The first email:
Subject line: Well, I am having a baby

Message
So Sorry, I had NO idea but guess she trapped me? Says she is thinking about
what to do. She never liked my family and to be honest never liked hers myself.
Well, I do wish we had met last year!

Good luck with [your job] and if you see the kid, let me know what he/she looks
like.


----
the second email :
Hi,

Just a follow up. Long night for me. Upon recent news I don't know if dinner is
a good idea tonight. I was looking forward to it but having not been together
with my ex for quite some time was taken aback. Scary for [the ex] too but I
thought to let you know the reason behind me canceling.

To be perfectly honest, I have a feeling it may not be true due to past events
but we will see. So I guess my Match days are over, at least for a while, until
everything figures itself out. Sorry again. I contacted you with honest
intentions but I guess life got in the way.


----

Of course, I have a lot of comments to make, but I'd just like to let the beauty
of these message stand as a testament to how shady and how poor the pickings are
in this area. Let this be a lesson to anyone who is thinking of ditching a nice
guy. Myself included as the perfectly nice, reasonable person I had coffee with
earlier this week has now been bumped up to a prime position as "not crazy."

Laughing in NH,
NPapaya

(Point taken, NPapaya! I'm going out with Atlas again this weekend. I'll keep you posted!)

Well I certainly know why YOU'RE single!

Received today... You might remember this guy! This is the same moron who wrote to ask me why I was looking for people across the state line!
Don't you think he should be grateful I didn't answer him the first time?

Do you think I should answer him after this missive...?

If someone takes the time to write maybe you should answer them. I don't care how much your bikini shots* get you mail--civility's for everybody.

Maybe to inform him what a douchebag he is? Anyone have some creative responses? Or do we give this exactly the response it deserves... which is nothing...

*There are no bikini shots in my profile. I don't even own a bikini. There's one of my face when I'm obviously at the beach.

If you have to ask....that's the answer...

Can I date ur mom? Ahh.. just kidding... Couldnt resist..wait.. Ive a personality disorder.. nevermind... here's a question.. how does a person know if they have a personality disorder?

I don't understand either! Your message that is...

Received today:
Subject Line: Sorry, I don't understand
Hi,
If you live on the other side of the border how you can you 'meet' all of the people from [other state]? Wouldn't that be somewhat arduous?



Really? Is this a hard concept to understand? It's called a car.

And no, I wasn't planning on meeting all the people from the other state. Just the ones who weren't morons.