Bobbing along...

Jedi loves to take baths.  I also love to take baths, but I haven't taken a bath in many years due to the miniscule size of our bathtub. (Rest assured, I shower.)

Jedi tells me he's going to get in the tub.  I nod, sort of absentmindedly, as I continue reading on my ipad.

About 10 minutes later I hear this coming from the bathroom:

I take a peak in the bathroom, and he's just singing and splashing around happily.

He cracks me up.  He makes me happy.

Ask and ye shall recieve

Late one night, Jedi and I were talking and he was telling me in a round-about way that he felt I wasn't demonstrative enough with affection.

"You need to be more direct," I told him. "Just tell me what you want."

He paused for a moment. 

"Get over here and spoon me, bitch!"

 (I still crack up every time I think about it.)

One line a day

I've never been one much for journaling. This blog, after all, started out as a place to tell funny stories about terrible dating adventures, and I was a pretty consistent writer when I had those stories to tell.  Now it's all either -angst-what-to-do-with-my-life crap or lovey-dovey crap, that is not very entertaining to read.

A week or so ago I bought an interesting journal that is a five-year, one-line-a-day journal.  I can do that, I thought. I can write one line a day.  And so I have! Yippee. (Talk to me again in 5 years!)

And so, I was thinking to myself, maybe I should re purpose this blog too. Instead of treating it as a journal, I'll regale you with amusing (or, at least, amusing to ME) anecdotes about my life with Jedi.

Funny (to me) tales forthcoming...

Limbo isn't just a party game

So, part of the reason I haven't been posting lately is because I feel like I need to figure out what I'm going to do with my life. I've been thinking about that this month a lot because I deferred grad school to the summer. Mostly what I deferred was the decision about whether or not to go to grad school.

Do I WANT an Ed.D? Meh. Not really. Am I interested in it? Not at all.

That would seem to be the answer, right? Except well...

Is an Ed.D (and specifically this program) the most logical choice for a next step? Yes. Is it the easiest next step? Yes. Is it the most cost-effective, least life-disrupting step? Yes.

I've been told I'm ambitious, which I actually find rather funny. My ambitions, such as they are, actually are modest.  All I want is a job that makes enough to support me and Jedi and also offers life flexibility so that I can have kids and spend time with them, while still also enjoying my work. So, the holy grail of jobs. ha!  The Ed.D. is just a means to an end which would allow me to take a job in a higher paying bracket, but also potentially just work part time but keep earning what I currently earn. That's my dream.

The campus flag was flown at half mast today for a professor who died. I read a little bit about him-- and I couldn't help but think as I read all about his wonderful accomplishments, "Well, he's still dead."  Yup. And so will we all be someday.  All his great deeds and research  and accolades couldn't stop death.  I don't know anything about him. I hope he did what he loved in life, which is a worthy goal. 

But to achieve for the sake of impressing others? To hold a high position to be able to... what?... have a corner office? Have lots of underlings who tremble when I pass by?  No thanks.  And I think that's why some people think I am contemplating going back to school, but it couldn't be further from the truth.  I want the degree because hopefully it will give me more flexibility to be able to spend time on things I really care about.

I keep thinking about having kids. I keep thinking about the end of my life.  When I die which would I regret most? Not having kids? Or not having a doctorate?  It's not even a close race.

And so, I keep thinking, "Well, maybe we should have kids now!" We have grown-up jobs, insurance, family support in town... They say there's no good time to have kids, but this doesn't seem like a terrible one.  I keep reading articles about decreasing fertility in one's 30s and I hear that clock ticking.  So, I think to myself, maybe we should just go for it!

And then I remember we have hardly any money. Which is why I want an Ed.D. To be able to support a family and let Jedi be a stay at home (work part time) dad.  But if I go for the Ed.D and then I'm not able to have kids in the future due to my age... (or whatever)... would I regret it terribly? Yes I would.  But it's possible we can't have kids now! Anything's possible... maybe we'd try for a couple years with no luck... during which time I could have earned my Ed.D.

(There's always the - Have a kid AND do the Ed.D at the same time! Which seems like the worst of both worlds, definitely!)

Well, anyway, these are the thoughts that keep going around and around and around in my head at the moment. I keep weighing pros and cons and can't seem to come out in favor of one or the other.  Jedi is completely onboard in either case, so he's not much help in the decision making process.

Logic seems to dictate going ahead and doing the Ed.D and THEN having kids when we're not struggling financially.  Which makes sense...

... and then I watch Teen Mom and think, "Fuck it! If those idiots can do it, surely I can too!"  (Not the soundest reasoning, I'll grant you that.

All that to say that I feel like I"m in limbo. I'm just waiting for a sign, something which will push me in one direction or the other.  I'm just gonna keep on waiting for right now...

Argh

Tried writing a new post on the iPad. Never a good idea. Let me just say, today I hate pointless bitchy work drama. More forthcoming if I manage to salvage my post tomorrow.

I'm more brilliant in my head

Hey my semi-faithful readers! Did you know that I compose posts in my head at night before I fall asleep? Approximately 0% of those posts actually get written, but I assure you-- they're brilliant! And insightful! And witty!

Tragically for  you, you are stuck with the daytime-me who can barely pull a comb through my hair. It's amazing, you should ask Jedi-- I'm actually super-productive starting at about 10:30pm... but the rest of the day, forget it.

So, all that to say that I had a wonderful post all planned out about how I wanted to put my life more into balance.  Ah! Balance! Or, should I say, "Ooooommmmm" {picture lotus pose here}

Except, I might be inviting more un-balance (ok, I know that's not a word!) into my life.  Because....

..... I just got accepted into "Regional" University to pursue an Ed.D in Higher Ed Administration.

Yippee! Right? (I know you can't see me, but picture Debbie Downer saying, "Yippee" and you've got the picture.)

I mean, yes, this is a good thing. I wouldn't have applied if I hadn't wanted to go. I evaluated my options and this is really the best program for me out there. This one allows me to keep my full time job (a good thing in this economy), take courses over the internet & the equivalent of 1 weekend/month & a few weeks in the summer.  It's relatively quick-- 2 years for the coursework, 1 year for the dissertation.  It's very reasonable, comparatively speaking-- $23,000 for the entire program.

So. All good things. All things that say, "DO THIS."  And I know I will probably do this. Doing this means that I can apply for jobs that pay more money, which is a mostly good thing -(mo' money, mo' problems though... in the management side, I mean. So, I'm actually kind of ambivalent about that.) Doing this means I have more options for the future, so yeah, I should do this.

But. *sigh* on the other hand... balance. I already feel like I've taken on too much between the two-ish jobs I'm doing, the additional (unpaid! yippee) work I've been asked to take on, the church stuff I keep getting voluntold to do, the community work I do, and the after-hours student programs I do.  It wouldn't be a lot for most people, probably (Just do all that and toss a couple kids in the mix, I know...) but I just feel like I need time for reflection.

And, also, I keep thinking-- is this what I want to be when I grow up?  I mean, is it?  It's kind of late to change now, practically speaking. And I like what I do, really, honestly, I'm very lucky to do what I do.  But who, on their deathbed, has ever said, "Gee, I'm so glad I was a mid-level college administrator all my life!"  (Not that I want to be a high-level college administrator; that just leads to lots of headaches.)  It's just that I want my life to be about more than that, and right now it's not.

I keep going back to the idea of writing. But, you know, I've had time to write. Lots of time. And I haven't done it. (And, honestly, I may not even be particularly good at it, but that's ok-- I'm not trying to write a magnum opus or anything.) But I keep having this dream. And I'm paralyzed by fear and indecision.

But I think I've come to a semi-decision.  I have three weeks to accept the offer of admission, in which case I would start in January.  Or, I could defer my start date until the spring.  So, I think that what I will do is devote some serious time in these next 3 weeks to writing.  If it goes well, if I make progress, if I feel like I can keep going... then I'll defer until the spring.  That's a good compromise for now, right? Right.

Now how to find time to go the the gym? Hmmm... maybe we'll stick with only one major life change at a time, eh?

My brain is full

This, I think, is only one aspect of my general inability to commit to any one task or activity (as mentioned below.)

The real problem though is that my brain is full of useless shit.  My brain can't turn itself off and so I think about this useless shit, all the time.  I think about trivial pop culture stuff, like how I used to root for Theresa but it's become increasingly clear that she's the drama-causing nut job.  Or how Jessica Simpson might or might not be pregnant or how she might or might not just be a little fat (or both) and really, whose business is it anyway if it's either or none of those things?  I also worry a lot about things I can't do anything about.  I worry about stories I read about girls in Pakistan being "honor" killed because they were gang raped ... (I worry a lot about this, and other similar stories.  I keep thinking, like Peter Parker, I've been given a great deal in life, and so a great deal will be required of me.  But really? What is a tangible thing I can do?  I support charities like Women for Women International and local DV/SA organizations, but what else?)  I worry about the environment and I worry if I put my plastic bottle in the wrong bin. I worry about the recession (double dip!) and whether or not I"ll have a job in a year.  I worry about our condo and that I'll never be able to sell it. I worry we're going to live in 600 sq ft forever, and if we eventually have kids I worry we won't be able to afford them.

These are mostly minor worries (in my first world existence) I know.  I also know that (most) of these things will find some kind of a resolution without my help.  That's not actually the point I'm trying to get at (though I do think the free-floating anxiety contributes to my chronic depression.)  What I'm really trying to get at is the sensory overload that comes from being constantly connected-- via computer, ipad, tv, phone... etc-- means I have lost any kind of ability to focus.   For example, I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE to read... but how often have I actually sat down to read a full-length book this year? Twice! (And both times on my kindle app!)

All this to say that I am thinking of unplugging for the month of November.  (Or maybe I should start mid-Oct?  Hell! Why not today!?)  The reason I'm thinking this is for nanowrimo.  I mean, yeah getting a go on that writing project I mentioned ... oh, a year and some months ago... would probably be good.  But mostly because I am frittering away my energy and attention on useless things... like hitting the refresh button on facebook a million times.  And for what? To find myself getting more anxious and getting less done.

Now, I know this is easier said than done-- after all, there are some studies (too lazy to look them up here) showing that there are some very true addictions to electronic devices and sites like facebook...  Facebook and email, like slot machines, work on the same pavlovian concepts that make dogs drool at the sound of a bell. Unhooking from them is easier said than done, but I do feel like I should make a real (as opposed to half-assed) effort.

The question is... on what level do I disconnect?  No non-work related internet? (Other than blogging about it????) No internet shopping? NO FACEBOOK. No browsing on phone.    I think I can do that.  I'm hesitant to say no TV, only because the truth is that I don't often watch TV... I mostly just have it on.  But, then again, that in itself is a problem.  On the other hand, I've always done my writing with the TV on in the background, so If I"m planning on writing then maybe I should leave that out of the equation.  On the other hand, maybe I'm just looking for a justification to keep the Real Housewives? Hmmm... what say you?  And, will I do this alone?