Monday, September 29, 2008

Totally ungrateful?

So, given my dry spell I should be crazy grateful that I've met someone (Atlas) who (so far!) seems to think that I'm A-ok enough to see again. Not only that, I actually like him (so far!) as a person and I find him attractive. Awesome! Right?



I do not find myself attracted tohim.

[forehead slap]

Now, I freely admit that this may change. There have been times when, upon meeting someone, I've thought to myself "Not even if we were the last people on earth," only to find myself having a fantasy about them after I've gotten to know them better.

And, like I said, I find him attractive and like him as a person. Good start, right?



At this point I usually start doing the doodly hearts things with names-- (Yes, I am a 5th grade girl, why do you ask?)--and getting all fluttery and nervous.

But. I'm not.

This feels totally platonic so far.

So, is this a good sign or a bad sign?

I suppose it could be a good sign since it's not usually how I go about things.

But. Isn't that fluttery feeling the best part about getting to know someone? The walking on cloud nine feeling?

Is it that I'm afraid to go there mentally because I actually like him and therefore if it doesn't work out it will be a bigger blow than if I didn't like him as a person?

Or, is it just cause there's no chemistry?

I know NPapaya's take on this-- if there's no chemistry, she feels like she can't make it happen.

Frankly, I haven't had enough "Chemistry at first sight" relationships vs. "Chemistry over time" relationships to make an informed judgment as to which is better for me. (If there even IS one that is better than the other.)

Though... I do have to say... the person I felt the strongest chemistry for ever I still... er... have nice dreams about today.

And those guys that I "developed" chemistry with? Yea. Never really think about them at all.

[Sigh] [Forehead slap]

I think I might be in love.

Atlas sent me an email today.

He appropriately used a semicolon.

My heart is all a flutter.

How Bridget Jones is destroying the world.

From Jezebel
Huh, I was under the impression that I'd just been kind of living an ongoing sitcom with the bad dates, lack of luck in romance, etc. etc. Meanwhile I was really destroying the concept of families AND disrupting the economy? cool.

The Soap Making Soup Swapper: or, How the idea for this blog came about...

If it was hard to get a date in a city of millions, it became even more difficult once I relocated to this middle-of-nowhere college town. Oh, I had high hopes at first. The census data was very promising; thirty percent of the local male population was single and between the ages of twenty and twenty-nine. Jackpot! I thought.
That was, until my friend NPapaya pointed out that the census data included the large undergraduate student population in the area, and further pointed out that yes, I would in fact get fired if I even went there. (I did think about handing out my number as I handed out diplomas, but even I recognized that might not be the best way to find everlasting love.) So, I did what any desperate person would do in similarly dire circumstances—I turned to the internet.

“Are you really going to go out with lumpy-headed guy?” NPapaya had asked. I could practically hear her eyebrow arch skeptically as she looked over my shoulder. One aspect of internet dating I did like was that it was kind of like shopping from a mail-order catalogue. I could put in the size, age, hair color, and level of education I wanted and then filter for whether he believed George Bush is the greatest president ever and—Presto! I had….oh….well….far fewer matches than I had thought. NPapaya was still looking over my head as she grabbed the mouse from me and scrolled down. “What does it say that he does?”
“It says he’s a Chemist.” I replied. I was looking at the picture on-screen a little more closely. This guy did kind of have a lumpy cranium. But if I squinted my eyes and tilted my head, he might turn out to be somewhat presentable. And if I had to introduce him to my mother, I could always make him wear a hat.

“So, a Chemist? I’m guessing that means he either runs a meth lab, or he rearranges the cold medicine at K-Mart.” NPapaya said. I shot her a look. She pursed her lips, and shrugged. “Hey, I’m just saying…Hasn’t experience taught us anything?”
Yes, in fact experience had taught us that a guy who described himself as an “Artist” undoubtedly lived in his parents’ basement, and a guy who mentioned he was “shy” inevitably had an undiagnosed case of Asperger’s syndrome.

I protested. “Look, isn’t that lovely?” I was pointing to where Lumpy had copied his favorite sonnet onto his profile. Hope sprung eternal. “I think he must have a beautiful soul.”

“That doesn’t show his soul,” NPapaya scoffed, “because he didn’t write it. His soul could very possibly be empty. We don’t really know.” She always did make the most annoying points.

I decided that the only way to know for certain though was to meet this guy in person. “Don’t worry, I’ll meet him in public—no identifying information given out, he’ll never be able to find me.” I told her.

“Do you remember the guy that Anne met? Also online!” NPapaya continued as if I hadn’t spoken. “The ex-green beret asylum-escapee? As she pulled up to the restaurant to meet him, undercover police and a SWAT team converged to arrest him. (True Story!) Don’t let that happen to you!” She waved her strawberry twizzler in my face.

“Is it likely to? I don’t think so.” I said. Her expression retorted that she thought I was a fool.

His name turned out to be Jay[1] and we met at a local café. He was nebbishly attractive with small round glasses and an unfortunate tendency to lisp. I soon discovered both why he lisped, and why all of his pictures online had shown him with his mouth closed; he was missing teeth. This turned out to be apropos, because getting conversation out of him was like pulling teeth.

We made small talk—(Or, rather, I made small talk. I was like a one-woman song and dance routine. See post below regarding selfish conversationalists!) I asked him about his hobbies, and that’s when it got interesting. “I like to make soap.” He said.
“Soap?” I didn’t know what else to say. “Like the craft kits you get from the store?”

“Oh, no. I like to get lye and experiment with different types of fats. Crisco, bacon grease, vegetable oils. Any types of fats really. I make my own essential oils, and scents, and I make it artistic with different molds.” He said.

I didn’t know what to make of this. I hesitantly said, “So, do you sell this soap?”

“No, that would be cost-prohibitive given the quality of the ingredients, and the time I spend making the soap.”
“Well, what if you bought the ingredients wholesale---” I started.

“—oh, I do. I have several 5 gallon drums of olive oil right now. I’m also experimenting with sunflower oil.”
“So, if you don’t sell it, what do you do with it?” I joked. “You don’t bathe four times a day, do you?” I was greeted with silence. An uncomfortable silence.
“So,” I said with forced levity. I cleared my throat. “Tell me what else you like to do.”

“I also like to swap soup.”
“Excuse me?” I nearly spit out. This time I couldn’t keep from laughing.
“There’s this yahoo group—we met online.” He shrugged. “We all like soup, and we get together once a month to swap soup.” He looked at me very earnestly. “It’s a good way to get soup. I usually come away with about six quarts of soup. Do you like soup? You could join us. Did you know last month was national soup-swapping month?”

“Oh-ah, well,” I was frantically looking for a way to escape. The door seemed so far away. “What time is it? I had no idea it was this late. Ha-ha.” I forced a laugh. I stood up and he followed. I held out a hand. “It was nice to meet you.”

“You too.” He responded. He looked at me expectantly.
“Ok, well, I’d really better get going now.” I was babbling. “Nice to meet you.” We both left with, I think, a mutual sense of relief. (Well, I thought it was mutual relief until he asked me out again. I did contemplate saying yes. For a very brief moment.)
Later that day I saw NPapaya and her eyebrow was already arched in that way it always was when what she really wanted to say was “I told you so.” I admitted that she had, in fact, told me so.
After I told her the story she mused, "You know, I almost joined that soup-swapping group the other day!"
Didn't I say it was a small town? With nothing to do?
Well, at least it's good for fun stories...

[1] So totally not his real name.

Definitely an Epidemic

Tales of Woe from NPapaya:

So, I met G this afternoon (the 46 yr old from match (mind you, NPapaya is in her early 30s, but this area leads one to one's dating requirements))- he was generally ok.
He seems like a nice guy, not exactly the greatest conversationalist...I asked
him a bunch of questions, but he didn't really reciprocate. Perhaps he thought
I'd just offer up the info in turn? A lot of men seem to do that.
He's not bad
looking per se, but I'm not attracted to him in person. His teeth are not in
great shape and he's got a couple of stubby fingers with bad nails. Oh and that
5'6" he put on match is an overestimate. I'd say he's closer to 5'5"-on a good

Of course, this being my lot in life he's totally willing to go out again. I
have to figure out some way to politely decline b/c this is so not going to

Note the highlighted part above. This selfish conversationalism is definitely an epidemic. I've had this happen on numerous occasions (Notably with soap-making soup-swapper guy. (Have I mentioned him on the blog yet... ? Hmmm... I may need to put that story out there for the rest of the world to enjoy.)

Seriously though! What is with that? Is it just poor socialization? Something they never learned in kindergarten? Evidence of underlying narcissism?

A conversation should be a give and take. Your date is not your adoring audience. Daters would be wise to remember this.

What's that all about?

So.... I went out with Atlas on Friday night.... There were some good points---and an odd point....

So, the good points--

1) We had stuff to talk about (Though, I did perhaps monopolize the conversation. Bad me!)

2)He asked me out again....unprompted.... whoo hoo....!

3) (Best point! He gets kudos for this!) He arranged to have the bill paid in advance.... so at the end of the evening there was no awkward fumbling, no "Oh, let me get this..." kind of moment. The waiter came and was like "It's all taken care of."

Odd point-

It ended very early-- 9pm. And he seemed very eager to get out of there (I would have thought his pants were on fire!), and if he hadn't already asked me out again, I would have thought it was a "just not that into you" moment. It was really rather abrupt-- like-- "What time is it? Oh, I'd better be going" with no explanation (or forewarning!) about why he was leaving. Weird.

Anyone have thoughts as to what was going on? Sudden onset of indigestion? I welcome suggestions!

Friday, September 26, 2008

What! You mean you're not trying to sell me penis enlargement pills?

I received an email to my work address yesterday that contained the following:

From: Leif Jinks (not his real name, but close, and the same gist)
"Hi, would you be avalable to do somthing some time?"

My work email program blocks images so I assumed that this email must be spam, and I just wasn't getting the dirty bits. (total bummer, I assure you!)

Before sending it straight to the trash bin though, I thought I would look up this person's name in our school directory.

Surprise! Surprise! This person was in fact a real individual!

I then assumed that this person (since I had no inkling as to who this person was) must have mistakenly sent me this email, and intended it to go to someone else.

I looked up his department to see if he was a student or a staff member, and it turns out that he works in maintenance.

Oh. Lights are dawning. I had a desk delivered yesterday. oh.

I vaguely remember the guys who delivered it. I think I remember "Leif"... But, at the same time, I didn't say more than 2 sentences to him either-- and those sentences were "Don't put it too close to the wall, I need to plug in the computer." and "Thanks so much! I've been waiting for this! (Ok, I realize that last one could perhaps be interpreted as being overly flirtatious....)

So, on the one hand I felt like I should go out with him because:
#1) I never get asked out
#2) Hardly anyone ever gets up the nerve to ask someone out these days, which leads to a vicious circle of nobody dating.
#3) I felt like I should 'reward' his initiative.

On the other hand (and many thanks to NPapaya and KN for pointing this out)-- I could never be with someone who makes two simple mistakes in one sentence. (Well, and it was further pointed out that the fact that he didn't even introduce himself or say- "Hey, you may not remember me, but I delivered a desk to you..." in his email was very lame, and indicative of his overall lameness, and why waste time?)

On the third hand, it did make me smile.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

So Shallow!

Yes. I am. I know it. I own it.

So, another guy got in touch with me
... sigh... seems like a nice guy.... but... he's 5'6.

Frankly... 5'6??? I don't know if I can do it. (I'm 5'8. And not a delicate looking 5'8 either. Pretty solidly built 5'8)

Since men always lie about their height (the first rule I learned in costume design class-- Never believe a man when he tells you his height or a woman when she tells you her weight.), we know that must make him closer to 5'4.

Freakin A!

Unless he's dyslexic and really meant 6'5, I don't know that this is going to work.

I'll give it a shot. But..... yeah... not too promising.

Monday, September 22, 2008

Other Tales of Woe-

They just keep coming! More undateables here

Sounds like many a date I've had!

From the Jezebel comments section.

Triphena at 12:53 PM on 09/19/08 Don't tell me how you live alone with 3 cats named Judy Liza and Bette, all your friends are girls, your day was ruined because the salon was out of your favorite mousse, "cirque du soleil is fun, but nothing beats Broadway", you love sewing and make yourself and your mom new matching aprons every Christmas interspersed with increasingly agitated and unasked-for assurances that you are not gay.

A guy's guide on how to NOT get it on...

I don't know how on earth I missed this one!

A Guy's guide on how to NOT get it on

Good Stuff, good stuff....

Add your own in the comments section.

I must like him more than I thought.

I rarely get excited or nervous about dating anymore. After all, what's to get excited about? Meeting one train wreck after another has given me interesting stories, but not much faith in this whole 'dating' thing.

I can't say my faith has improved any, but I've realized I must like eharmony guy (Hmmm..... I should get a better nickname for him... Let's call him Atlas. (it has to do with his job.) more than I thought I did.

Why? Because normally I don't care if I don't get a call back or an email... I just move on. (Which, frankly is what ya gotta do in these modern times. Awkward co-worker--mentioned in a post below-- and a beautiful, not-so-awkward- co-worker, have both gotten hung up on online people abruptly breaking off communication. Really, it's nothing personal, and you have to take it that way. It may not be nice, but it's the shark-infested dating pool we've got.)

But with Atlas... I sent him an email on Friday, and.... He didn't respond. And He didn't respond... and he didn't respo--- Oh! Wait. Yes he did. Phew... On Sunday.

So, that may be a perfectly reasonable time lapse for email communication. (After all, he spent the weekend hiking.) But, I was more surprised by my own reaction to it. Ugh. This must mean that I am actually hopeful because I actually like him.


This cannot end well.

We're going out on Friday.

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Nothing much to report.

I don't know if this is good news or bad news (well, it's bad for the blog!), but it's been a quiet week where personals are concerned!

NPapaya sent the following to me though:

You should take a look at www. and www.

Check it out!

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Betraying my mission-

So, I know I'm supposed to be putting up stories of bad dating, but hey- it's my blog and I'll do what I want! :-p

I actually had a good time last night though with a guy I met on eharmony. I admit, when he first contacted me last spring I totally ignored him because in his pictures he looked like one of my sisters' asshole exes. (In person, he was totally cute... well, IMHO, anyways.)

But eharmony was having a promotion, and when I rejoined he contacted me again. This time I figured, ok- I'll give him a shot. I went into it with low expectations... (Hey! I used to get excited for these coffee dates, but my success rate (2/20ish or so) is not so hot!)

Well, I made a very bad first impression! I was with a colleague and lost track of time... I was supposed to meet this guy at Borders at 7 and didn't get out of the office until 7:07pm. OOPS! I wouldn't have blamed him if he'd left! Glad he didn't!

We had a great conversation, it flowed easily, no awkward quiet moments, we connected on a lot of issues... he displayed strong feminist sympathies(!)... Totally into start trek... (Yes, I went there! But he totally agrees with me that the episode where Picard turns into Locutus and there's the battle of Wolf 359 is the best episode ever!... ;-p Geekdom! Awesome!) Shares my taste in terrible movies... So, pretty good time all around...

Of course, in my mind, I'm turning everything that was said over and over again trying to pinpoint all the things that are wrong with him...

Give me a few dates. I'm sure I'll find something! ;-p

We did make tenative plans to go see a movie we'd talked about. We'll see if the follow-up story is (good or) bad enough to make it to this blog!


loves dogs and loves your eyes and smile. Holy hot mamma
Accompanied by a picture of an OLD, really gross looking guy.... I suddenly feel like I need a bath.


Monday, September 15, 2008

Crazy enough to be true?

Let's put this one to a vote!

I met "S" at a party Sassy Pants had a couple of weeks ago, and she told me about the following email.

We were pretty divided as to whether or not this guy's story holds water! On the one hand, it's pretty far-fetched. On the other hand, there are just enough details to make it believable. On the third hand "S" tried to find the hospital where this guy 'worked' and couldn't find anything... Mucho Suspicioso.

Well, it certainly is the most inventive excuse I've ever heard, in any case! Shall we vote? Who thinks this story is legit? Who thinks this guy has pants on fire?

Hello S,

Let me begin by apologizing to you for failing to communicate for
almost 2 weeks. I want you to know that I'm extremely interested in
you and I hope I haven't jeopardized my chances of getting to know
you. The thing is, I feel so fortunate in many areas of my life, but I
just seem to have rotten luck when it comes to developing a meaningful
I'm so very sorry, S. I was quite unable to talk to you for the last
many days. I was literally put out of commission all this time and I
was in no condition to send you an e-mail. I've had the most horrible
last couple of weeks. On Saturday, Oct 5th, I was working a night
shift at M Hospital. I was covering for a coworker that night. So, for
the first couple of hours I was to sterilize a huge volume of surgical
instruments by hand that had come out of the various surgeries that

The surgical instruments come to us quite bloody, with strips of
tissues and bone fragments and we need to make sure that the
instruments are 100% clean and sterilized for the next surgery. The
process is quite safe since everyone is adequately trained, everybody
generally abide by the rules and take necessary precautions.
Furthermore, the surgical techs who are in the operating room during
the various surgeries are supposed to be conscientious in making sure
that there are no disposable scalpel blades, syringes or needles left
in the sterile trays after the surgery and that all of the tools and
instrumentation are accounted for.

Well, on the night of Oct 5th, it so happened that one of the trays
that I was sterilizing had both a scalpel Blade and a syringe with
needle in it. Talk about double whammy. I can assure you that the
surgical blades are extremely sharp and I was extremely luck to not
have sliced my finger(s) in two while picking up tools from the tray.
But, instead I got pricked (deeply) by the stray syringe that was in
the tray. To make matters worse, I accidentally pushed on the
syringe's plunger when trying to quickly pull the needle out of my
hand. So, some of the contents of the syringe (a fairly concentrated
neurotoxin) was pushed into my system. I don't remember what happened
after that. One of my coworkers found me lying unconscious on the
floor and I remember waking up in a hospital bed at M Hospital (I was
told it was Monday afternoon).

I feel like I'm very lucky to be alive thanks to the hospital staff
responding so quickly and containing the spread of the toxin before it
had a chance to paralyze some vital organs. But, I did become very
sick & had a major inflammatory response from the exposure to that
substance. They ran a great number of tests on me to make sure that
there would be no other complications from the needle prick and I
stayed in the hospital for over a week before I was able to move with

I was discharged on Monday evening and I stayed in bed yesterday and
today. I slept all day today, but I'm so wide awake at the moment. I
checked my e-mail and I wanted to tell you that I'm sorry. By the way,
It has taken me almost 2 hours to write this letter (a bit slower
today than usual). But, I think I'll be returning back to school
tomorrow. S, I've missed so much of my classes and I know I'm going to
be so behind with my studies. I'm praying for another miracle at the

Well, I'll try to respond to your previous e-mails this weekend. I
just wanted to tell you that I'm still interested in getting to know
you. In the meantime, I hope that you're doing okay and are enjoying
yourself. I really missed talking to you, S.

- P

Thursday, September 11, 2008


Yes... there are about a million and one typos in that last post... But, I'm off to the cabin for the weekend and can't be bothered to fix them! Mwah! Happy weekend all!

Not the one you're thinking of...

Damn it!

Fairly cute guy I met in the spring contacts me about a program I'm running.

We do a little email flirting back and forth... it's all going well...


He asks me if I'm into triathlons.


Now...I am, what you might call, on the curvy side.... No need to be crane-lifted out of my house, but one can tell by looking at me that I prefer an evening with Ben & Jerry to an evening going over the details of Lance Armstrong's wins.

So, I ask this guy-- Are you mistaking me for someone else?

He responds-- Aren't you the one who sends out emails about the after-work bike rides?

Uh. No. No, I am not.

Now that he has realized who I actually am, he seems a little less interested. Damn it.

Another one bites the dust.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Crackers! And not just the food!

Yea! Another submission! This cracks me up! (ok, ok, bad pun!)


I've a dear friend who's in her 60s and completely amazing--tenured art professor in Boston, funny, still attractive, incredibly well traveled, plays tennis, is financially well off--and even she's not been able to meet a really good guy. She was just telling me a couple weeks ago about this guy she was dating, "D", a Harvard alum, who was so cheap that when they were out and about during the day, she'd want to have lunch in a cafe, and he'd always say he wasn't hungry, and he'd sit there and watch her eat. Then in the car afterward, he'd take out a packet of crackers. He always carried a packet of crackers.

I love that... that's what one of my colleagues calls my stories. I'm glad my personal life can be water cooler fodder!

On another note... no wretched dates lately or horrid emails. Hmmm... I'm feeling strangely bereft! Now I almost enjoy being verbally assaulted so that I can then share it with all of you!

Now, as you know, I wish there was a feedback button for online profiles... but what do you do when you wish you could give feedback in real life?

sigh Nothing I suppose. But there is a very nice guy in my office who is having no luck online... ("So, why don't YOU date him, Hypatia?" You're asking yourself... Well, for numerous reasons, not the least of which he has some habits that are absolute dealbreakers for me.)

But, I know there would be SOMEONE out there for him... if only....

1) I could get him to stand up straight
2) I could get him to have more confidence in himself
3)I could get him to stop dressing in beige (His coloring is pretty beige-ish anyway, so he just kind of blends into the wall...)
4) And, frankly, he's still a bit immature.... It's one thing to spend all your free time playing video games... it's another to put that on your profile.

I just want to play pygmalion with him. Is that so wrong? Would he take it badly? (Answer: probably!)

So, I'll keep my helpful suggestions to myself, I guess!

Sunday, September 7, 2008

I need to stop...

...lowering my standards. Not that they were super high to begin with.. (No major personality disorders, ability to hold down a full time job, and nice.)....

Argh! Now how do I get out of a coffee date with a guy that, after a few more emails, I've realized is a lunatic?

(Ok, Ok, I should have known better, I know... Sassy Pants' friend B, who was at her party yesterday, warned me about this guy. Why didn't I listen!?! Why!?? (Ok, I know why... This has been one hell of a dry spell and the pickings 'round here are mighty slim!))

You only get one shot!

It's hard enough to make a good impression across email... so why would you deliberately make it worse by injecting sarcasm? Sure, you might just be kidding-- but the person on the other end doesn't know that. (Also, I don't think you should sarcastically insult anyone you barely know either... but apparently I'm weird that way.)

So... Here is the actual transcript of an email exchange with a guy who contacted me.

=====I wrote=====
wow. that's pretty snarky.

=====Guy wrote=====
plans on a sunday night...well then, aren't we miss popular

=====I wrote=====
Can't, sorry. I have plans.

=====Guy wrote=====
what about tonight? just go for a walk after dinner or something...


Yea, ok he may have been kidding. But frankly? This doesn' t make me want to go out with him. I barely know him and he's "teasingly" insulting me? Gee... What's it going to be like if we ACTUALLY start dating!? Can't wait for more belittling comments!

Saturday, September 6, 2008


Girlfriends are the best!

Sassy Pants had a potluck today which was very funny. The other guests and I ended up trading quite a few bad dating stories (hopefully some of the girls will end up submitting their stories for the blog! One of the stories was particularly good--the guy claimed to have accidentally touched a neurotoxin and he ended up in a coma for a week and that's why he never called her back!)

So, at this luncheon I learned that the coffee date I was supposed to have cancelled. His reason? He was up until 3:30 am the day before.

Now mind you, we were supposed to meet at 3 in the afternoon. Plenty of time, I would think, to recoup from the night before!

NPapaya was horrified to learn that said coffee date was 38 years old... In her opinion she thinks anyone who is 38 should have better sense and more foresight. (I can't disagree.)

She was also kind enough to say that she thought I was much better looking than coffee guy (not true) and that I could do better. Isn't that what friends are for!? To say such nice things to you!?

So, the general consensus was that I shouldn't give coffee guy another shot. I'm inclined to agree.

Anyone have a differing opinion?

Warning signs????

I recently re-signed up for Eharmony. Now, I'm not much of a fan of eharmony generally (don't like their stance on not allowing gay/lesbian members), but they were having a special and I'm desperate. (Especially since I was basically stood up today! But that's for another post...)

So, I've been emailing this guy on eharmony back and forth a few times and I'm thinking there are a few warning signs I should be heeding...

1) He likes Celine Dion
2) He likes Broadway musicals. Especially Rent
3) He likes chick flicks

Now this may not concern me so much if I didn't have a history of dating closeted gay men. And I mean A LOT of closeted gay men. (Apparently I make an excellent beard! Maybe because I'm so warm and caring they feel like they can be themselves with me! And that leads them to come out! That's what I'll keep telling myselt!)

So... do I give it a shot?

Thursday, September 4, 2008

Can someone translate this for me?

"You have some serious game. not!:-) :-) :-) "

What the hell does that even mean?!?

Fetid dating pool around these parts, that's for sure!

My darling, wonderful, brilliant, funny, beautiful friend NPapaya (yes, also of guest-blogging fame over at Sassy Pants' place- Big Girl Underroos) is single. The only reason I can see why she's still single is that there's no one to date in these parts... But, I have to give her credit! She branches out! And she wades into dating pools I wouldn't touch with a mile-long pole. She give people I wouldn't look at once (let alone twice!) a chance. (Because she's a much nicer gal than me!)

She sent me the following:

"I get a sort of perverse pleasure out of seeing people who've tossed me aside or
deemed me unacceptable back on sites like Now, of course, I have to
concede that I am also still looking, but this is a side point to be addressed

Recently, I became nearly giddy at the sight of a familiar face - more than a
year ago I saw a decent looking fellow online. Not handsome to a fault, but this
was during my "think broadly" period. We happened to work in the same field and
I knew some people at his organization. He seemed worth exploring. After a few
emails we moved to the phone...both of us seemed willing to meet in person and
made plans to check calendars and talk within the week to confirm a time. On the
appointed day, I called and left a message. When a day or two went by I sent a
tentative email asking if all was ok and if he was still interested in getting
together. I never heard from him.

And now, months later, his insipid smile is at the bottom of my matches again.
At times like this I wish there was a dater's feedback option - where you can
leave a helpful heads-up for any others who might fall victim to this
half-hearted gigolo. What is he doing, racking up names and numbers and
reassuring himself that he's desirable, but never actually pursuing a

If only I was the type to name names..."

Just when you thought you'd heard it all!

I certainly know why THIS guy is single! (Note also that this guy is over 50 and his ideal wife is in her 20s. But he doesn't want any gold-digging whores! Don't know which other 20-year olds go for 50+ year olds these days, but ok!)

Quick (wife) Qualification List
Besides those things that can be ascertained from the "Quick Disqualification List" above, the following is a list of things I seek in my future wife.

My preferred height for my wife is between 5'4" (162 cm) to 5'8" (172 cm). However, if you are very thin, shorter is fine, and taller is fine if you are slim.

Though most men like large breasts, I don't. The larger the breasts, the more I'm turned off romantically. Bra size 32 B is my preferred, but any size up to 36 C, depends on your height, is good. Any larger than that will depend on the rest of you. I've seen women with 36 Ds that are fine. But if you are in the 40 Ds and above, forget it, a total turn off for me romantically.

Weight wise, for the following heights, the indicated weights, give or take 10 pounds, are generally best. However, depending on your build, an acceptable weight may be quite different. For example, I have heavy bones, in high school, I was 20 pounds over what the charts said I should be, but there was no fat on me whatsoever. I've known girls that were very slim but weighed more than the average girl her height and build:

5'0" - 90 lbs
5'4" - 120 lbs
5'8" - 140 lbs

You are under thirty years old. My preferred range is between 24 and 29 for such girls have generally finished their formal education and have a good idea of what they want for themselves in life. However, I will consider younger and older. If you over 29, you will have to be pretty and slim.

You have no children, will not have children and do not want children. I have already raised four wonderful children and do not wish to raise anymore.

Sorry, but when it comes to turning me on, light chocolate to white skin color is needed. However, there are exceptions for darker skin, but they have to be very beautiful.

As my wife, you will have no desire for a career of your own, since as my wife your career will be working side by side with me starting and running our own businesses (Yes, I’ve started and ran my own successful businesses in the past). Only my future wife and me will know the details of the businesses until they are started. All you will know now is that they will be financial in nature, they will help others financially.

You are a hard worker. My wife to be and I will work hard together, play hard, rest well, and enjoy the fruits of our labor. Our work will have us traveling all around America. The fruits of our labor will enable us to travel around the world if we choose.

You are content in humble circumstances. My future wife and I will live humbly at first and as our businesses grow and flourish, so will our lifestyle. Therefore, if you are looking for an easy life of play and leisure then I am not the one for you. This eliminates virtually all girls of well to do parents for such girls are used to getting everything they want and have an expectation of instant gratification. My joy will come from watching my wife’s enthusiasm and excitement of growing businesses that provides the financial freedoms to do the things she so desires to do.

You must be able to get yourself, at your own expense, to anywhere in America.

NO FOREIGN WOMEN UNLESS you can get yourself to America at your own expense. I will not help you financially so don't ask. I will not go to your country except for a vacation sometime after we have been married.

You like the outdoors and such things as hiking in the mountains to walking on the beach, volley ball, tennis, rollerblading, ice skating, skiing – snow and water, and the like.

Alcohol and Work Function = Bad Idea

So, I've been at an office retreat for the past few days, and it was surprisingly nice. (Not much is worse than mandatory fun with people you have little in common with...) I actually enjoyed getting to know some of my colleagues better.

However. However...

There is a young colleague in our office--he's 24. (I'm 27, for the curious.) We got to talking over dinner about dating and online dating and I described some of the experiences I've related to all of you.

Well, later that evening, young colleague (YC) proceeds to get SHITFACED drunk, can barely walk, slurring, and basically making a fool of himself in front of the vice president of a major institution. AWE-some! Way to advance your career!

So, later that evening we end up on the elevator to the same floor where our rooms were located and he kind of corners me.... The following is the basic jist of our conversation.

YC: I don't know why your single!
ME: Me neither
(Actually, I do know why I'm single...See previous blog entries. I'd rather be single than deal with THAT!)

YC:You should go on myspace. Don't be desperate. Only desperate people go to dating sites. What are you looking for? See, you don't know what you're looking for, that's the problem with women, we men, we want to give them what they want, but women don't know what they want...
ME: I know what I want. Honesty. Kindness. No major personality disorders. A full time-grown up job.
(Really, is that so much to ask for?)
YC:Ok then, so you'd sleep with someone who had a girlfriend?
(Note that YC HAS a girlfriend)
ME: Uh. No. That wouldn't be honest.
YC: But what if the girlfriend knew about you?
ME: I require monogamy.
YC: SEE! SEE! You women don't know what you want!
ME: Ummm... Monogamy is pretty much expected by 90% of the population...
(Note to self. Why am I arguing with a drunk???)
YC: Not really. Haven't you had instances where you just wanted to sleep with someone and forget the consequences?
ME: Um. Yes. But then I remembered the consequences, and I didn't do it.
YC: But you WANTED to do it!
ME: But I didn't.
YC: But if you could do it, you would do it, you should do it. If it came up again would you do it? If so then you should do it if it came up again.
ME: I think you should go to your room now.
YC: You're laughing at me! Why are you laughing at me? I'm serious. You would do it, you wanted to do it, so you should do it, the consequences wouldn't be the consequences if you did it because then they would be different consequences.
ME: Good Night, YC. Go to bed.

Now, I'm not vain enough to think he was actually hitting on me... And i'm not a sue-happy kinda person.... But if I were? That has sexual harrassment suit written all over it.

Sheesh people. Save the binge drinking for your frat buddies.

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

I can't have a conversation by myself!

This may know...obvious...but it's hard to get to know someone if you don't ask them questions.

And, P.S. Talking exclusively about yourself is a total turnoff!

...sigh... another doesn't make the cut!

Are you a construction worker?

Whatsup? You look hot

This is the the internet version of having your ass groped on the subway. Yea, I'll go out with you after that....