Anyone good at dream interpretation? I keep having random wedding nightmares. For example, last night I dreamt that Jedi had an affair with my mother. He then also had an affair with 2 other people. I proceeded to clear out our joint bank account and changed the locks on the condo while he was out. (and then, for some reason, sent his parents a big tub of cashews.)
I also dreamt that we had a baby but I kept misplacing it in places like gas stations and shopping malls.
I should probably stop apologizing for my lax posting schedule, huh? It's a too common occurrence.
I've been spending a lot of time with my family lately-- you may recall that my grandfather is not doing well. He had a biopsy last week that only confirmed the initial diagnosis of 2-3 months to live.
Jedi & I thought about moving the wedding up, but my grandfather insists he'll be there. If he can't we have a plan to live-stream it, but fingers crossed.
My dad is taking it pretty hard. I think it's not just that his dad is dying, I think it's because it's a passing of the baton in a lot of ways. My dad will be the patriarch... life goes on. I think he feels a heavy responsibility.
It's kind of weird for me not to be the kid anymore. I mean, I sure as hell FEEL like the kid. I don't know if that ever goes away-- older & wiser folks? Does it ever go away? Maybe when one has children?
It's weird to realize-- oh, yeah, I should probably pay not only for my dinner, but for my parents' dinner as well. When, after all, I've spent the last 25 or so years letting them pay (you know, those lean-after-college-no-money years. I can't be the only one.) But I'm a grown up now, even if I don't feel like one.
The wedding is slowly creeping up on me. Only 45 days to go! Crazy, huh? As I've mentioned before, I really don't talk about the wedding to people other than my in-laws & Jedi, but as we get closer it's all anyone seems to want to talk TO me about. Not that I mind talking about it, I just feel like I'm constantly disappointing people with my reactions. To wit:
Random person: "So, the BIG DAY is almost here, huh? Are you excited?"
Me: "Sure, I guess.
Random Person: "What do you mean you guess?
And what do I mean? I guess I mean that while I'm sure it will be a fun day and all-- and i'm excited for cake!--in the end, it's just a nice party.
The whole, "I commit my life to you forever & ever" deal? I feel like I did that a year ago when Jedi & I first talked about getting married. Boom. Done deal. For expediency's sake we've been referring to ourselves as husband & wife when dealing with strangers-- like the cable guy, the car shop lady, etc. (It also has the added benefit of forestalling the whole, "When's the big day? What are your colors? What does your dress look like?" conversation. Again, not that I mind talking about it, really, just that I find it so BORING and I feel like I've repeated it a million times and I'd just rather not do it again.) So, I really do feel like my life is not going to change drastically. The commitment is already there. (I will add though that newly married friends all SWEAR there's a deeper level of commitment and feeling of security that comes with being married, and that it took them by surprise. So, who knows. Maybe it will surprise me too!)
But, people tend to take my response as some sort of sign of cold feet (which, as you know, I've had-- but not in a "I'm going to run away" manner, more in a "Whoa, this person can pull the plug on my life support, and that is a BIG DEAL" manner.)
But I love Jedi. I'm sure he's the one for me. Even when he drives me nuts, he knows just what to do to make me laugh, and he's always so thoughtful and sweet. So, yeah, I think I'll keep him for the long haul.
I guess it's time for another Random Thought Tuesday since I can't get my act together enough to actually write anything of any substance.
1) My grandpa is dying. This sucks. Went to the doctor for a cough, found out he has cancer in his lungs, liver, brain, everywhere. Nothing to be done. 2-3 months.
2) My grandma is stronger than she looks, but I'm still worried. My grandpa took care of everything-- she doesn't even know how to pump her own gas or pay the bills.
3) I have WAY too much bureaucratic paperwork to fill out. I have been procrastinating for 5 years to register with my local consulate, but I can't avoid it anymore as my passport is almost expired.
4) In perusing the consulate website it appears that I need to fill out paperwork so that my marriage is legally valid in France and that needs to be done 60 days before the wedding.... which is 7 days from today. Sweet!
5) I got my performance evaluation back for the year and it was all good, very complimentary... but is it wrong to be miffed that on a scale of 1-5 I was ranked a 4? It's probably petty I know, but it makes a difference in whether or not I get that .5% raise!
6) I am freaking out about children I don't plan to have for another 3+ years or so. Like, how do I get back to France to have my kids so that they can then go to a french immersion school in the US that the French gov will pay for? And where should I be looking for jobs (presumably 6+ years from now) so that they can go to kindergarten near where I work?
7) I think not having kids would give me more free time and money. This is a delightful proposition.
8) sadly, I think I would regret not having kids, so I continue to obsess over where we will live and how I will pay for them.
9) I am avoiding wedding stuff because I don't want to plan anymore.
10) next tuesday I'm doing a trial run for my wedding hair (had to plan that or I would be screwed...). I think that as long as I'm going to get my hair done, I'm going to go and get my passport pictures taken the same day. Ha! I will have awesome passport picture hair! (However this means that I will probably be forever stopped at the border when the guards compare the picture to my actual-bedraggled-while-traveling-self.)