Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Again, remiss

I should probably stop apologizing for my lax posting schedule, huh? It's a too common occurrence.

I've been spending a lot of time with my family lately-- you may recall that my grandfather is not doing well. He had a biopsy last week that only confirmed the initial diagnosis of 2-3 months to live.

Jedi & I thought about moving the wedding up, but my grandfather insists he'll be there.  If he can't we have a plan to live-stream it, but fingers crossed.

My dad is taking it pretty hard. I think it's not just that his dad is dying, I think it's because it's a passing of the baton in a lot of ways. My dad will be the patriarch... life goes on.  I think he feels a heavy responsibility.

It's kind of weird for me not to be the kid anymore. I mean, I sure as hell FEEL like the kid. I don't know if that ever goes away-- older & wiser folks? Does it ever go away? Maybe when one has children?

It's weird to realize-- oh, yeah, I should probably pay not only for my dinner, but for my parents' dinner as well.  When, after all, I've spent the last 25 or so years letting them pay (you know, those lean-after-college-no-money years. I can't be the only one.)  But I'm a grown up now, even if I don't feel like one.

The wedding is slowly creeping up on me. Only 45 days to go! Crazy, huh? As I've mentioned before, I really don't talk about the wedding to people other than my in-laws & Jedi, but as we get closer it's all anyone seems to want to talk TO me about.  Not that I mind talking about it, I just feel like I'm constantly disappointing people with my reactions. To wit:

Random person: "So, the BIG DAY is almost here, huh? Are  you excited?"
Me: "Sure, I guess.
Random Person: "What do you mean you guess?

And what do I mean? I guess I mean that while I'm sure it will be a fun day and all-- and i'm excited for cake!--in the end, it's just a nice party.

The whole, "I commit my life to you forever & ever" deal? I feel like I did that a year ago when Jedi & I first talked about getting married. Boom. Done deal.  For expediency's sake we've been referring to ourselves as husband & wife when dealing with strangers-- like the cable guy, the car shop lady, etc.  (It also has the added benefit of forestalling the whole, "When's the big day? What are your colors? What does your dress look like?" conversation.  Again, not that I mind talking about it, really, just that I find it so BORING and I feel like I've repeated it a million times and I'd just rather not do it again.) So, I really do feel like my life is not going to change drastically. The commitment is already there. (I will add though that newly married friends all SWEAR there's a deeper level of commitment and feeling of security that comes with being married, and that it took them by surprise. So, who knows. Maybe it will surprise me too!)

But, people tend to take my response as some sort of sign of cold feet (which, as you know, I've had-- but not in a "I'm going to run away" manner, more in a "Whoa, this person can pull the plug on my life support, and that is a BIG DEAL" manner.)

But I love Jedi. I'm sure he's the one for me. Even when he drives me nuts, he knows just what to do to make me laugh, and he's always so thoughtful and sweet. So, yeah, I think I'll keep him for the long haul.

1 comment:

mmeperpetua said...

I'm so sorry about your grandfather. The passing of the baton thing is rough. I've seen my parents go through it, and it's an unsettling transition.

Oh, and having a child did NOT make me feel less like a kid (at 29! and now I'm almost 32!). When I'm at my parents' house, I sometimes feel like E is their child instead of mine. Not in a bad way, but rather in a "I still go back to kid mode" way. It's weird, lady.