You and Me Against the World, Baby

The best part about marriage, in my humble opinion, is that I know it's Jedi and I against the world.

The world has been kind of a bitch lately.  Ok, not as much as it has been in the past-- I've definitely experienced worse.  But it's been bad lately - I feel stressed and overwhelmed because I'm doing 2 jobs and getting paid for one, and we're behind on bills, and we will never have enough money to move out of our 600sq ft apartment that has crazy NYC prices even though we live in the middle of nowhere. I'm also starting grad school in August and I'm worried about making the right choice and about taking out student loans... hell if I can't pay off my $5k of credit cards, what makes me think I can pay off $45k of student loans I might take on? So I'm worried about that.

And I'm just generally super depressed-- I'm feeling a bit like Mindy Kaling book cover these days:

Cause really? Are they? It kind of feels that way too. 

And Jedi, my amazing Jedi, is so kind and loving and thoughtful.  But I know he's stressed and depressed too. He's working 5 jobs (not an exaggeration) to try and make ends meet, as well as going to school part time.  It's not good for him-- even if he loved those jobs. But his main job, he hates-- (And his boss is a crazy person who nearly drove Jedi to quit today.)

And so I just wonder... will there ever be a point when we're not stressed about money? about space? about jobs? about school? ... cause I feel like I've been stressed about that forever, and I'm just at my breaking point.

My therapist upped my sessions to 2-3 days a week, which is good, but I hate having to do it. 

So, it feels like the world is crumbling around me, which is half-true, and half-in my head. (But as Dumbledore would say, "Of course it's happening inside your head, Harry, but why should that mean that it's not real?"

But in the midst of all this, I have Jedi. And he has me. And we have each other.  And I ask him to tell me that everything will be okay, and he does. And he asks me to tell him the same thing, and I do.

Bobbing along...

Jedi loves to take baths.  I also love to take baths, but I haven't taken a bath in many years due to the miniscule size of our bathtub. (Rest assured, I shower.)

Jedi tells me he's going to get in the tub.  I nod, sort of absentmindedly, as I continue reading on my ipad.

About 10 minutes later I hear this coming from the bathroom:

I take a peak in the bathroom, and he's just singing and splashing around happily.

He cracks me up.  He makes me happy.

Ask and ye shall recieve

Late one night, Jedi and I were talking and he was telling me in a round-about way that he felt I wasn't demonstrative enough with affection.

"You need to be more direct," I told him. "Just tell me what you want."

He paused for a moment. 

"Get over here and spoon me, bitch!"

 (I still crack up every time I think about it.)

Limbo isn't just a party game

So, part of the reason I haven't been posting lately is because I feel like I need to figure out what I'm going to do with my life. I've been thinking about that this month a lot because I deferred grad school to the summer. Mostly what I deferred was the decision about whether or not to go to grad school.

Do I WANT an Ed.D? Meh. Not really. Am I interested in it? Not at all.

That would seem to be the answer, right? Except well...

Is an Ed.D (and specifically this program) the most logical choice for a next step? Yes. Is it the easiest next step? Yes. Is it the most cost-effective, least life-disrupting step? Yes.

I've been told I'm ambitious, which I actually find rather funny. My ambitions, such as they are, actually are modest.  All I want is a job that makes enough to support me and Jedi and also offers life flexibility so that I can have kids and spend time with them, while still also enjoying my work. So, the holy grail of jobs. ha!  The Ed.D. is just a means to an end which would allow me to take a job in a higher paying bracket, but also potentially just work part time but keep earning what I currently earn. That's my dream.

The campus flag was flown at half mast today for a professor who died. I read a little bit about him-- and I couldn't help but think as I read all about his wonderful accomplishments, "Well, he's still dead."  Yup. And so will we all be someday.  All his great deeds and research  and accolades couldn't stop death.  I don't know anything about him. I hope he did what he loved in life, which is a worthy goal. 

But to achieve for the sake of impressing others? To hold a high position to be able to... what?... have a corner office? Have lots of underlings who tremble when I pass by?  No thanks.  And I think that's why some people think I am contemplating going back to school, but it couldn't be further from the truth.  I want the degree because hopefully it will give me more flexibility to be able to spend time on things I really care about.

I keep thinking about having kids. I keep thinking about the end of my life.  When I die which would I regret most? Not having kids? Or not having a doctorate?  It's not even a close race.

And so, I keep thinking, "Well, maybe we should have kids now!" We have grown-up jobs, insurance, family support in town... They say there's no good time to have kids, but this doesn't seem like a terrible one.  I keep reading articles about decreasing fertility in one's 30s and I hear that clock ticking.  So, I think to myself, maybe we should just go for it!

And then I remember we have hardly any money. Which is why I want an Ed.D. To be able to support a family and let Jedi be a stay at home (work part time) dad.  But if I go for the Ed.D and then I'm not able to have kids in the future due to my age... (or whatever)... would I regret it terribly? Yes I would.  But it's possible we can't have kids now! Anything's possible... maybe we'd try for a couple years with no luck... during which time I could have earned my Ed.D.

(There's always the - Have a kid AND do the Ed.D at the same time! Which seems like the worst of both worlds, definitely!)

Well, anyway, these are the thoughts that keep going around and around and around in my head at the moment. I keep weighing pros and cons and can't seem to come out in favor of one or the other.  Jedi is completely onboard in either case, so he's not much help in the decision making process.

Logic seems to dictate going ahead and doing the Ed.D and THEN having kids when we're not struggling financially.  Which makes sense...

... and then I watch Teen Mom and think, "Fuck it! If those idiots can do it, surely I can too!"  (Not the soundest reasoning, I'll grant you that.

All that to say that I feel like I"m in limbo. I'm just waiting for a sign, something which will push me in one direction or the other.  I'm just gonna keep on waiting for right now...

My Blind Husband

My husband is blind, I think. That's the only explanation that I can come up with. I may have mentioned that I am of the-- um-- rotund -type body shape.  I wear a size 22... (not something I'm thrilled with, but I've learned to work it, I think.)

My darling Jedi (Who wants to go as Anakin Skywalker for Halloween, naturally) would like me to go as Padme Amidala and wear THIS as my Halloween costume:

Bwahahaha!

Ahem.

Bwahahaha!

Ok, so, it's adorable that he thinks I can wear that, right? I mean, I love that he thinks I'm totally hot.  However, I'm also pretty sure that this proves he is blind. 

Bwahahaha!

Name Change

I'm not taking Jedi's last name.  Either because of my feminist convictions... or because I'm too damn lazy to do the paper work.  You'll just never know...

All over the place

My emotions have been all over the place this week.  Poor Jedi. He tries so hard to be patient and understanding. 

Sometimes his patience and understanding make me want to scream at him.  Sometimes I just want to have a fight, you know that feeling?  Like, you're angry at the world for no particular reason and you need to take it out on whoever happens to be close by.

I don't take my anger out on Jedi. But sometimes I still want to.

Jedi doesn't really ever fight.  He's usually very even-keeled.  Other than general cheerfulness pretty much the only other emotion he exhibits is pouting. (Is that an emotion? or behaviour? We'll just go with it.)  Mostly he pouts when he really, really, really wants something (like, yesterday, a Kindle) and something (like, money) stands in his way.  At that point, nothing will make him happy again other than getting his hands on the object of his desire.  Yes, sometimes I think I'm marrying a 5 year old.  (But hey, I have my own 5 year old tendency to throw tantrums, so we'll overlook it.)

Anyway, all this to say that my emotions are all over the place at the moment.  The most annoying thing is that I can't figure out whether my emotions are real or hormone induced-- (Which, I hate to say, but it's true. I become very ornery right before my period.) 

Usually when it's hormone induced I KNOW that's what it is so I'm able to take a step back and regroup and be calm(er).  However, I'm pretty sure that the last pack of birth control I took had something wrong with it.  I get it in packs of 3 months worth and usually skip my period. The past 2 month my BC has ... i don't know... konked out early, and I've gotten my period when I'm not supposed to. (On the plus side that means I'm not pregnant. On the minus side-> birthcontrol not working like it's supposed to = scary!)  I only realized when I got my period that it was probably THAT reason-- the hormones not working-- That had given me killer migraines and horrible can't-get-out-of-bed depression the week before.

Grrr. and *sigh.*

It would have been helpful to realize the depression was caused by the hormones and NOT because my life is worthless and horrible and the only course of action is obviously/logically to jump off a bridge.

So, there's that.

But, there is also lots of stuff that IS causing me stress and sadness and depression...

Like, my grandfather's failing health and cancer fight.  My gandmother (who had a stroke in March) going back into the hospital for emergency surgery yesterday to remove another blood clot.  My dad's house being foreclosed on.  My dad's diabetes getting worse, and he doesn't have insurance.

And then the petty stuff...

Wedding flowers are costing $450. WHAT THE FUCK is that about!? And we're doing CARNATIONS! The ugliest flower ever! And we're arranging them OURSELVES!!! Why does it cost so much?!  So, now I don't know if we should just skip flowers all together. And it's stressing me to think about it.

I can't find wedding shoes.  I've tried every shoestore in the tristate area.  I've spent over $1000 ordering shoes from Zappos and Bluefly and whatever else. (No worries. Getting money back when I return them.) NOTHING fits. NOTHING is the right color/heel height/style.  Everything that would work is either out of stock and on a 15 week backorder (NO JOKE.) or only comes in sizes 5-8.  This does not help my BIG FAT FEET.  Apparently I'm looking for the holy grail of wedding shoes... Ivory, less than 1inch heel, size 10.5... and, oh, yeah. STYLISH.  That last one seems to be the big problem.

Gifts for people who have helped with the wedding.  I actually got some really great gifts for cheap at a going out of business sale... but I found out that to customize them it will be $160.  Which, still brings the gifts to $9 each... but... that's about $140 more than I had budgeted.

People who haven't RSVP'd.  Seriously!?  don't even get me started on this.

... and on and on...with stupid wedding details... that are NOT important, but that still need to be thought about/taken care of.  *sigh*

I know I brought this on myself, but I'm just lacking the will or energy or anything to care about what happens to the wedding stuff... and at the same time I can't stop being anxious about it.

On the (small) plus side, I decided to take a leap of faith 2 days ago.  I have an artistic project cooking that is making me feel hopeful... so, well, hopefully that project will have wings.  If it does, I will be sure to share it with you.

See why I love him?

Jedi wrote me a poem. He said I could share it.

Je t’aime

In the morning I adore you,

When you are getting ready for work.

Your red hair up in the style that I like so much

I sneak a glimpse of you in front of the mirror

When you don’t think I’m looking.

I know you think you need lipstick or eyeliner,

But you look breathtaking without their help.

My life has changed dramatically

Since you came into it.

I don’t know if it was serendipity

Or divine intervention,

However we found each other

I am very thankful. 

When I see your smile after I make you lunch,

It brightens my day.

And after a long and tiring day of work,

I know that I get to curl up

With you on the sofa and just relax

And I can tell you what happened. 

Tu es mon tout

Clean house and a clear(er) head

Have I mentioned that I love my therapist?  I got a good one kind of out of sheer luck. After essentially having a nervous breakdown due to the horribleness of a previous boss (see post below) I asked a friend for a recommendation, and voila! Good therapist.

I've had a fair  number of bad therapists in my life, such that it's kind of surprising I would go see a new therapist at all. But I did, and I've been seeing her for 5 years now. Kind of hard to believe it's been that long! I've been seeing her for so long that my insurance company cut me off from sessions because I'm "not getting better" apparently. They'd prefer that I try drugs. Less expensive, yanno.

But I AM getting better-- I know that much. Yes, it's slow going, but after 5 years I can confidently say that I wouldn't be getting married in August without her help in working through my issues. I still have a bunch more issues to unpack, which is why I still go and see her, but I know it's helping.

When I saw her last Friday I shared some of the issues described in the two previous posts. In one of the stories I shared about my frustrations and anger with the two women at the training session I'm participating in and how these two women are probably the least qualified people I've ever met and they are training to be therapists. Part of the reason it made me so angry was because I felt like they were doing something that I couldn't allow myself/give myself permission to do.

After all, on paper it makes much more sense to do the EdD program.

EdD            vs         PsyD
3 years                    4-6 years
$21k                      $100+k
Part time                 Full Time
Not moving             Probably Moving
Jedi keeps his job    Jedi probably needs a new job
Easy App Process   Difficult App Process
Potential future earnings for both about the same

But what seems clear on paper is less clear when one factors in emotions. And I was getting really emotional/tense/anxious without really knowing why.  And when I identified that I was really angry about other people doing what I wouldn't allow myself to do I suddenly felt much more at peace.  My therapist and another friend both said that my entire demeanor changes when I talk about doing one program versus the other.

I realized also that one of the things that is very important to me is being able to have control over my work environment and time.  I love my current job (most of the time.) My boss is great about being flexible if I need to go to an appointment or need a comp day. I have great vacation time (22 days!) I have good benefits... (they were better last year before budget cuts... grumble...)...

But, at the end of the day, I really have no control over who my next boss will be, if my benefits will be cut further, if my new boss will be flexible with vacation time... etc.

And I realized that if I do the EdD I am essentially saying that my life will be a life spent doing one thing, under the control of someone else, forever.  And in some ways it's not bad-- there's some security to that-- But what I want most of all is to be free and in control of my work life.  I want to be able to say that I won't take clients from 2-5 when my (hypothetical future) children are coming home from school. But I can take clients from 5-7 when lots of people with non/flexible jobs might need someone.  I want to be able to scale back my work load when my grandmother is sick so I can have more time to take care of her... etc.

Additionally, while doing the PsyD means that I can go into private practice, it certainly wouldn't prevent me from continuing to work at a school or college. I could potentially have the best of both worlds.

I'm also much more interested in the topics covered by the PsyD program than I am the EdD program.

After much thought and soul searching I realized how much freer and easier I felt at the thought of doing the PsyD program. In addition to all the factors mentioned above, I think I was just scared to try. I mean, what if I really went for what I wanted and I failed. Gulp.

I talked to a good friend-- Megan-- (i think I had given her a nickname on here at one point, but we'll go with Megan for now.)  She just got accepted to a similar program with a full scholarship & stipend (yea!) and she was giving me hints for the GRE/Psych GRE... (She got a perfect score... not surprising, knowing her... though she claims to be bad at standardized tests.) She's going to send me her resource books and everything, which I very much appreciate. Maybe someday-- if I get into a program-- we can even start a practice together, which would be amazing.

I also decided that I'm still going to apply for the EdD program. My application is already 3/4 complete and if I get in I can always defer until next year (2012).  That way I can go through the long, painful application process to the other programs but still potentially have a back up in case I don't get admitted to any of the PsyD programs. Which is possible. I may utterly bomb the tests and the applications.  But unless I try I don't think I'll be happy with myself.

There's one program I'd really like to get into above all others about an hour away because it means that I would probably be able to continue working where I'm at part-time, Jedi could stay in his job, and we wouldn't have to move. Fingers crossed for that one!

As for Jedi? Well, he's completely supportive, as always.

And, amazingly, these newfound revelations and the peace it brought me led me to give my house a thorough cleaning yesterday. ahhhhh..... My house hasn't been this clean since my mother came to visit last June.

Why Jedi is the One for Me

Jedi is awesome. You may have discerned this by now.  Let me share another story about why he's awesome.

He stops by my office yesterday with a troubled look on his face.

"What's up?" I said.

"Something happened and I'm wondering if it's another area in which I've been blind to male privilege."

[be still my beating heart]

"What happened?"

"Well, I was crossing the street, and there was a woman there waiting for the cars to stop so she could cross.  I didn't wait, I just started crossing, knowing that the cars would stop for me."

He gave me a very worried look. "Do you think I assumed that because of my gender? That they would stop for me because I'm a man, but that they wouldn't stop for her because she's a woman?"

I laughed.  "No, I think you assumed that because you're a resident of this tiny town and walking out in front of moving cars with the assumption they'll stop is what everyone does."

* * *

Can I just say how much I love him for the fact that he considers these types of issues very seriously? He is the best.

Don't be mad

Jedi and I had a (minor) fight this weekend, which is only incidental to the point of this story.  We fought on Friday night, and yes-- went to bed angry.

I slept in on Saturday and Jedi went out, unbeknownst to me, while I slept.

As he heard me stirring as I was waking up he came in with... tea, a card, lipgloss, and a grapefruit.

He held them out hopefully. "I went to CVS while you were asleep," he said.

What do these things have in common? (Besides, apparently being things you can buy at CVS?)

It's all random crap I like.

"Please don't be mad anymore," he said.

I cracked up. Because really? Who could stay mad after that?

"Here's some random crap I know you like. Please don't be mad."

I'm still laughing.

Weddings are boring

No, really, they pretty much are. I've been to two weddings in my life that were AWESOME and AMAZING... and the rest were kind of just meh.

I get it, I totally do. I mean, most weddings follow the same script and unless you're intimately involved with the bride or groom... as a random acquaintance/cousin/date... it just all blends together.  That's not to say that a lot of thought didn't go into the wedding-- I'm sure it did-- but really, for the most part, every wedding is about 90% the same. Entrance... sermon... song... reading...vow...rings...exit...reception/dinner/dancing (obligatory chicken dance).... and, the end.  All the "My colors are Blush and Bashful," talk, all the debates over menus and centerpieces... well, it all blends together.

That's not to fault the simpler weddings--hell, with a $5,000 budget I think my own falls under that label-- but none of it is too interesting, even though it's usually the bride's obsession.

Hell, I'm sick of talking about/thinking about my OWN wedding-- and I'm in it!  I would say that talking with y'all here on the interwebs is the most kvetching about wedding stuff that I've done, other than my discussions with Jedi/his mom/my mom. (And most of my conversations with my mom end with, "I don't care! Do whatever you want for the flowers!")

I've been on the receiving end of obnoxious brides who have their bride books with all the colors laid out and all the table settings and they make you look at all the potential pictures of cake until your eyes glaze over.  I always swore I wouldn't be one of those people because A) it's super annoying and everyone hates you... B) there are more interesting things about me than my wedding... and C) talking about it stresses me out because it just reminds me of how much more there is to dddddoooooooo!  So, as a result, I've made a pretty concerted effort not to bring up the wedding unless someone else brings it up first.

Yesterday I was at Jedi's mother's office, where I frequently am (Did I mention that Jedi, his mother, and I all work for the same organization, though in different buildings) and we were discussing invitations.  Mostly we were discussing the fact that we're really going to have to trim the guest list because with the current proposal from the caterer we're feeding people cheese and crackers and that's not ok. (IMHO) If I'm inviting people I'd rather show 50 people an awesome time and serve them a dinner they'll remember for being delicious than invite 100 people  to a dinner where they'll get rubber chicken.

Anyhoo, as we were discussing this at the conference/lunch table other people sat down and started asking questions about the wedding/telling their own stories about their weddings.  Before I knew it the lunch hour had passed and that had pretty much been the topic of conversation-- though it seemed (to me) that everyone around the table had willingly participated in the conversation. I didn't try to keep the conversation only on my wedding and stop it from meandering to other topics as conversations have a tendency to do.

At the end of the lunch though one woman stood up and said, "All you ever talk about is your wedding."  I was pretty taken aback, esp. given that I usually try to NOT talk about the wedding. I said, "That isn't true!" She kept insisting, "Yes it is. That's all you talk about."

Now, this is a woman I see a few times a week, either in passing or when I visit Jedi's mother. Admittedly, when I visit Jedi's mother in the office it usually DOES have something to do with the wedding, but I can count about 2x in the last 2 weeks that I spoke about the wedding in this woman's presence and at least 5 other times when we had conversations about work related issues.

I was really, really, really hurt. Irrationally so, perhaps, but I just felt like it was a misrepresentation of reality. Part of the other reason I've been quiet about the wedding is also because I've had a couple of friends who are single flat-out say to me that it's too hard for them to hear anything about it (because they'd like to be married. (This isn't my, "Oh, the whole world must be jealous of me!" imaginings, they flat out said they were happy for me, but that it was too difficult for them.)), so I've gotten in the habit of not saying anything, unless, of course, I've been asked.

The woman sent me an email later to apologize, which I appreciated... I still can't help being upset though, and feeling weird for being upset... and then, there's another part of me that's kind of resentful. I feel like I've really tried my best to be respectful of how others feel... But goddamnit, it feels like no one is happy for me, and that I have to find reasons Jedi ISN'T amazing and wonderful so that I can prove that I'm not *quite* that happy, lest I offend someone with my happiness.

Edited to add: Even though I KNOW I've done more wedding talking on this blog than any other place (other than with parents) the "Wedding" labeled posts only #22... which is very far from being the most common topic on this blog. I feel slightly vindicated.

Slice of Life

That's all a blog is. It's a slice of life. It's also a pretty public journal in which I vent and kvetch about life.

It's a lot easier to write when you have something to kvetch about... and so this slice of life is pretty narrow. The joys and good things don't make an appearance as much as they should, probably.  For example, I recall telling you that Jedi was unhappy with his job and desperately looking for a new one SEVERAL times... and yet after he got a (wonderful!) new job I don't think I mentioned it until he'd already been at it for a few weeks. Oops! My bad.

That's not to say that I wasn't overjoyed when he got it. That's not to say that I'm not overjoyed with all the good things in my life... it's just easier to write about the bad/annoying things.

Yeah, I just complained about my future MIL. I may have given the impression that I dislike her. In fact, I probably gave the impression pretty forcefully. That's natural. I'm pretty mad right now. But I don't dislike her. In fact, I like her quite a bit. And so, in the interest of fairness, let me enumerate her many wonderful qualities.

1) She's a wonderful mother. She really is. Yes, in many circumstances I find her to be over protective and coddling of her kids (certainly different from my own growing-up experiences), but that's only because she cares so damn much. She's made a lot of tough decisions in her life made exclusively with her children's welfare in mind.  Whereas I have spent my entire life doubting whether or not my mother really loves me I know that Jedi has never had a shadow of a doubt. Her love is an all enveloping thing.

2) She's incredibly thoughtful. She invites people she barely knows over to her house. She makes their favorite foods. She accommodates special request, she always fusses over how people are doing, she tries to be as inclusive as possible. She hardly knew me at all last Christmas and yet she made me feel like I was intimately part of the family. She welcomed me with open arms.

3) She is genuinely concerned about things like racism and social justice. She acknowledges that she's not as knowledgeable about such things as as she'd like to be and she actively tries to learn more, since it's only since starting her job 3 years ago that she's been exposed to these issues. She's very concerned about her students and strives to make them feel welcome.

4) She's a wonderful daughter. By all accounts her mother is a terribly difficult person (though it's not something I've personally experienced, though I'm told I need only wait.). Her mother is racist, and mean and selfish and a bully.. (um, ringing a bell, anonymous commentator? I could tell you some stories about what it looks like when someone is actually those things), and yet Darth deals with her lovingly, with patience, and with care.

5) She's a wonderful friend. She's the type of person you can call on at 3am to pick you up when you're stranded in the middle of nowhere. She's the friend you call on when you need someone to help you host a party. She's the friend who takes in a homeless dog. She's the friend who doesn't give up hope or support for the friend who is in an abusive relationship. She's the friend who volunteers for everything. She's the friend who buys the perfect Christmas present because she heard you mention that you liked it 6 months ago. She's the friend whose home is always open and whose refrigerator is always full. She's always there when you need her and she never asks anything in return.

6) Superficially, she has excellent taste. Her house looks like a pottery barn catalog...  on 1/10th the budget. Which leads me to point 7...

7) She's frugal! 8) And industrious! She (and Vader, to be fair) take on daunting projects all the time. Painting, sanding, building lamps out of spare parts, hand-making gifts... her home is always impeccable (though she always claims it's a mess).

9) She's generous. Not just with things, which to my mind, are easy enough to be generous with. She's generous with her time and her skills. She didn't think twice about helping me and Jedi refinish and paint cabinets-- which took about 5x the amount of time and labor we had estimated. Never once did she complain or bargain and say, "If I do this, then you do XYZ."

10) She's the good kind of Christian. She lives by the golden rule. She is open minded. She lives simply and in kindness, always striving to do good. She never thinks of what she can acquire for herself, but what she can give to others.

... I could go on... Perhaps at some point I will... But 10 things I like about my future MIL. That's 2 more than the things I'm angry about.  And this is what goes on in the background. This is the little slice of life that you, dear readers and commentators, don't see enough of.

I may be, at times, alternately selfish, childish, a bully, judgmental, etc. At times I may have been all of those things. But that too is just a tiny slice.  I like to think those aren't my overwhelming characteristics since there are some people who seem to find my presence tolerable. (But what say you, readers I know in real life? Are you all masochists, which is the reason you hang out with me?)

This little slice of the internet is my own corner where I can work out my issues. Since there are often no commentators on any posts it's easy enough to imagine I'm writing for myself in my own journal. And so, I know the full background of any issues and situations, though you may not.

I enjoy the commentators though because you do often prompt me to look at things in a new way. 

Similarly, I realize that it probably seems as though I'm holding the "wedding" as some sort of ransom tool to get my way in things. (For Jedi's grades? Yeah, I"ll cop to that. I totally am-- Only because I do not feel that goofing off and playing video games instead of studying is a "grown up" thing to do... and I refuse to marry someone who is not a grown up.  He's stepped up to the plate, which is all I've asked of him. I don't think it's an unreasonable request-- much in the same way that someone else might make "hold down a job" an ultimatum to prove that a partner is responsible enough to take on marriage.)

My issues with getting married have as much to do with my own familial issues which I've only briefly touched on in this blog. Rest assured that there is 20+ years of traumatizing experiences that say "MARRIAGE IS BAD" to me.  So, for me to have gotten to the place where I have a DATE on which I'm going to get married is a big fucking deal.

And so, again, I want to point out that my waffling on marriage is NOT because I'm waffling about Jedi. It's because certain situations/events are things that I find triggering and cause a resurgence of doubts that tell me to run away as fast as I can. It's taken about 6+ years of therapy to get to the point where I can stand still and let someone love me the way that Jedi does.

And so, again, all you're seeing here is a very brief slice which surely make it seem like I not only have cold feet but that I have my feet permanently encased in ice. I get that. It's certainly easier to write about those times I have doubt than all the times Jedi has made me feel loved, and secure, and as though the only right thing in the universe would be for us to be together forever. (But then again that's pretty schmaltzy, and who wants to read about schmaltz?)

Then again, perhaps tomorrow I'll enumerate all the reasons I'm with Jedi and why I love him and truly want to be with him. And that too will only be one small slice.

Is Paris Worth a Mass?

 I'm having a fight with Jedi's mother... (And by extension I suppose, his father.) Have I nicknamed them yet? Hmmm... Perhaps I shouldn't nickname them while I'm in foul mood. But, I mean, after all, if Jedi is Jedi... shouldn't his parents be Darth Vader and whats-her-name?  (Actually, Jedi's ringtone for his mother is the imperial death march that's the Dum Dum Dum from Star Wars...) So, I suppose it's appropriate to dub them Darth (mom) and Vader (dad). Let's go with that, huh?

It's kinda funny, because I've never had an issue with his parents before. I mean, anyone would tell you that they're the nicest people, but right now I'm just so angry with them that I just want to say to hell with it for the wedding. I just keep thinking-- do I really want to be shackled with these people for the rest of my life?  Sure, Paris is worth a mass... but is Jedi?

Ok, ok, yes, I'm being melodramatic as is my wont, and it's this same flair that got me into trouble in the first place.  So, here's a little background to catch up up quickly:

Vader reconnected with an old friend of his --we'll call him Tom-- on facebook. They hadn't seen each other in 20 years and then suddenly, within a few days of reconnecting Vader unilaterally invited them to come up and visit.  Tom then invited himself to stay overnight for 2-3 nights.

Now, when Darth related this story to me she did so laughingly but also in saying that she was annoyed that Vader had invited them without asking her, and that she found it weird and creepy that they were staying 3 days, these people were virtual strangers, etc. On top of that both this guy and his wife have been unemployed for a long time.  I told her she should stand up for herself, grow a spine etc...  (laughingly, mind you! But I stand by it!) and then made some further jokes about how they were probably grifters who were coming to live with them to take over their lives and that I better send Jedi over that weekend to make sure they were still alive. Darth laughed & agreed and we went about our merry ways.

The Monday after the weekend I happened to be at Darth's office (if you recall, we all work in the same place, which is how I met Jedi-- Blind date set up by Darth's boss Ramses.)  I decided to stay for lunch and people were talking about what they did over the weekend.  Darth mentioned her visitors and I made another joke about how they were lucky they hadn't been killed and how Tom totally looked shady in his pictures. I had his picture on my phone (through facebook) and I handed it to Ramses and I joked, "Doesn't he look like he belongs on "To Catch a Predator" or something?" (BTW readers, he TOTALLY does.  The joke may have been in poor taste (ymmv, I didn't think so) but I stand by my assertion that he would fit right in on this page. Even if perhaps I shouldn't have said so.)  Well, Darth laughed (even though she's now claiming she didn't,) and said, "You're so silly," and the conversation moved on and that was it. Or so I thought. Hell, we even went and looked at wedding invitations after that! Darth seemed totally normal and in good cheer. (***make note of this because it's where my major source of ire comes in.)

Well, several days later (because this happened on a MONDAY, mind you) Jedi is at his parents' house and his dad comes up to him and tells him that "Hypatia has really upset me/us with what she's been saying. It's totally inappropriate... she exaggerates... It's really upset Darth... You need to have a talk with her (*note source # 2 of my ire)... we're very angry... etc." Jedi got out of there pretty quickly he said because he didn't want a confrontation and also, didn't have much knowledge of what was going on in the first place.

Jedi comes home and now HE'S all upset because of what his dad said and also because his dad apparently intimated that he would withdraw his support for the wedding.

Well... fuck this. I was livid. Do I really need to itemize the reasons I'm angry? Please tell me I'm a reasonable person and that you would be angry about this too.  Why am I angry? Let me count the ways:

#1) If Darth was upset she could have simply pulled me aside and said, "Actually, what you said made me uncomfortable and I'd appreciate it if you could stop that."  Result? I would have apologized and we would have been on our merry way.

#2) Darth in no way every indicated or let on that she was *so* upset.  I'm not a fucking mind reader.

#3) Not only did she not in anyway indicate that she was upset, she acted as if everything was fine. AGAIN, I'm not a fucking mind reader.

#4) She didn't address me directly. Instead, she went roundabout and had the "menfolk" deal with it. How fucking passive aggressive.  I learned how to deal with my issues head on in 2nd grade. Apparently she missed the memo.

#5) The whole thing with Vader sure seemed a lot like he was telling Jedi, "You'd better control your woman." Darth is totally passive and submissive, but I sure as hell am not. (and PS- Jedi LIKES it that way.)

#6) Jedi is now upset and drawn into this, which was totally unnecessary.

and... #7)  This one requires a bit of background.
I made comments to Darth a few times about, "I wonder what you say about me when I'm not around."  She was pretty offended and exclaimed, "I'd never say anything bad about you." (yeah, that's the side-eye I'm giving my gentle readers through the screen.) I brought it up a couple more times... each time she was very offended.

But, um, duh. Do you think I might have a REASON to think she does so? Like, maybe the fact that she is all sweet to a co-worker she can't stand? Hell! She gives her a ride to work sometimes, she even gave her an award and talked about what a great employee she is... and yet, to me, talks all the time about how she can't stand her.  She does similar things with her mother, her best friend, acquaintances... Why the fuck would I think I'm somehow immune to that?  I didn't.

Don't get me wrong-- I don't think Darth does this maliciously-- I think she's just venting, like we all vent. THE DIFFERENCE is that Darth really is very passive.  She hates conflict and so never addresses issues head on.   It makes me roll my eyes to even write that because I cannot stand people who complain about shit yet never do anything to make it better. There's a difference between venting and trying to manipulate people into doing your own dirty work. (In this case, Vader confronting Jedi so that Jedi would confront me, so that Darth wouldn't have to confront me herself. ew.)

Frankly, this is so different from my own modus operandi I hardly know how to react to someone like this. I'm very straightforward (ok, confrontational), in-your-face, I don't mince words.  Now to most people (aka my soon to be MIL) these are not only undesirable traits but in the same way I don't know what to make of her, she doesn't know what to make of me, I think.

In my own family we're a crazy loud bunch of yellers-- which, ok, probably isn't so healthy either-- but at least you know where you stand with people. With Darth I don't feel like I know where I stand because she's fundamentally not honest about what she's feeling.  And I have a major hard time dealing with that.

Like, seriously-- how am I supposed to intuit that I've upset you? Just speak the fuck up already!

Frankly, if Darth wasn't Jedi's mother she'd probably be a friendly acquaintance at best because I feel like (while not intentional or malicious... I know it's just how she copes) I can never trust her to be honest with me.

So... anyway... Darth and I went back and forth over text and then email a few times (She tried calling me, but as I said, I come from a family of yellers and I know I could not have kept myself from yelling at her which certainly wouldn't have helped matters-- so I opted to write an email instead.)

In her email she also mentioned that she was upset that I had said that she needed to stand up for herself and get a spine. (Again, I stand by it!)... But this gets to another issue-- #8) The fact that every time we go back and forth about this it turns out there's something else that comes out that she's upset about.  And so, while this is ostensibly about this particular incident, I also think that it's about the untold number of times that I've upset her in the past year and that she hasn't felt comfortable saying something. Which, again, is fucking annoying.  And, also-- It's not my responsibility to know when you're mad.

I feel like there should be a statute of limitations to how long you can be annoyed about something that you haven't fucking had the guts to confront someone about. Why should it be that other person's problem? Especially if you're going around and acting as sweet as peaches and cream to that person! How on earth is that person supposed to know? 

In the email I basically... pretty much... laid it out for her as I did here. Including-- yes-- the part about how I don't feel I can trust her because she's not honest about how she feels and she is two-faced about other people as well.

Ok, so maybe that wasn't the most conciliatory thing to say, but at this point I don't give a flying fuck. (Have I mentioned that a few times? I think I have.)  And frankly, it's the truth.

She wrote back to say that what I wrote was very hurtful and that she wouldn't discuss this over email or the phone, but only in person.

You should be proud of me for not writing back, "The Truth Hurts."

Frankly, I don't really feel like discussing this in person. If she thought I was hurtful in person I know she just be even more hurt by my yelling.  I also feel like I said what I needed to say... but that I also know she's not going to change. I mean, she's gone 50 years sweeping things under the rug. What's another 50 more, amirite? Bleh.

I know I should just suck it up, apologize, let her sweep it under the rug and let things go back to being peaches & cream... but... I just can't.  I know I should, for Jedi's sake, but I just can't.

Because? Well, frankly, I haven't married him yet.  And I don't fancy spending the next 50 years of my life dealing with this passive aggressive bullshit.  I say lance the wound rather than letting it fester.

Getting married is important to Jedi. If we have to put off the wedding until his mom gets her shit in order? Well, it may not happen. But right now I don't fancy dealing with someone I can never be sure is being honest with me and with whom I can never be sure my words and actions won't be held against me in ways I won't know about until it blows up.

Fuck. My family has enough issues of their own. I don't want to sign up to take on these issues too. I've had enough therapy to sort out problems stemming from my family. I really can't, for my own mental health, add other people's bullshit to my own.

What say you, wise and worldly readers? 

Poor Jedi

Jedi's got a case of the blues already-- Seasonal affective disorder or something. It's grey and cold and rainy and not at all cheerful here -- so nevermind that he has a great new job starting on Monday. Doesn't matter when you've got the blues. I get it. I've been there.

Well, he now found out that his best woman and her husband, who was going to be a groomsman, may not be able to be at the wedding AT ALL. They're in the military and it's very likely they're going to be shipped out shortly so.... Well. Not much to be done about that, but it is very unfortunate.  Not just because of us mind you-- I'm not as coldhearted as that. I wish no one had to ever go off to war, much less people that are important to people who are important to me.  But, to be slightly selfish on Jedi's behalf, we're having a very small wedding party. Just 2 people on each side, and his 2 people are not going to make it.

Jedi doesn't have very many close friends, so this is hitting him particularly hard, and he's feeling down anyway. I'm not sure what I can do for him. I'm going to suggest he ask his sister to stand with him instead as they're very close. I don't care about the "matchy/matchy" aspect that so many brides seem to obsess over. If he has 1 person on his side or if he has 5 it doesn't make a difference to me-- but I feel sad for him that his closest friends probably won't be able to be there on a day that's so important to him.

In Which My Mother Makes a Good Point:

(Ahem. So, I got the actual numbers from the good photographer today... It's actually $4000. Gack! Yes, that sound you hear is me choking on my own inhaled breath.)

This is the email my mother sent in regards to this issue. For once, she actually has a good point. (Shocking I know!)

Bonjour,

 

I could hear you on the phone yesterday and knew that the photos are very important to you.

I looked at both sites.  Yes, there is a difference in the style of photos...but could you possibly show her the style you like as input?  Is it really worth a $3000 diffrence???

 

Also, just an observation from one who has made many mistakes in my own marriage by doing what I wanted more than making a decision as a couple.

 

Obviously, since [Jedi] said that the could go with the lower cost one, the photos are not his utmost priority.  He will go along with you because he will do anything to please you and make you happy right now.  Believe me, people build unspoken resentment though and it comes out sideways years later.  (I still heard in recent years how my head flower piece was more expensive than his suit.....:(

 

Anyway, think about it this way, now that you will no longer be single, by a couple.  What would you think if [Jedi] spent $4000 of your common budget on something that was not THAT important to you (whether it is for the wedding or else). 

 

As my sister told me this week, ([She] wanted to rent a chalet in the mountains for all the [Family] this coming Christmas).  Quand on n'a pas de sous, il faut pas essayer de faire les riches...:)

 

Think long and hard before you commit.  Good luck with your decision.  

 

Is it bad that I still REALLY REALLY REALLY want the amazing photographer though? I mean, REALLY?

Photographer redux

Ok, I have a bit of a dilemma... I think I can kind of guess how some of you will come down on it (well, some of you  anyway... who will remind me what Suze Orman would say, but I don't want to listen to Suze right now!!!)

I have a photographer who is starting out (as previously mentioned)-- who has never done a wedding before-- who has offered to give me 10 hours of coverage plus all the digitals plus a free engagement sitting for $1100.  Yes, that seems like an insane amount of money... until you actually start pricing out wedding photography and then you realize it's the deal of the lifetime.

Here is her website-- http://chocolatepipsphoto.zenfolio.com/

Frankly, they're nice... some are even very pretty... but they don't blow me away.

On the other hand we have a different photographer who is ---GULP-- Twice as much for half the time. (Can I afford twice as much? Um, well, if you mean, do I have the money in hand... um... well... let me get back to you on that.)

However, the pictures blow me away. http://garonephotography.blogspot.com/

(Also, an acquaintance  recently used them, and her pictures are STUNNING. I figure if they can make her look good, I"ll look FABULOUS! ;-)

I know, on the one hand... MONEY MONEY MONEY.... on the other hand all I'll really have left of the day (Other than Jedi, obviously!) is the pictures. 50 years from now will I be regretting that I went with a budget photographer... um... likely? Maybe?

I know Suze Orman would say that it's not worth clearing out my bank account for this (Or maybe she would? People first, remember!)... And it really would be coming out of my own budget since Jedi is really opposed to spending the extra money. I'm thinking I would pick up a holiday job/reunion job or something to help make up the difference.

What do y'all think? Am I being unreasonable in wanting the more expensive photographer? I feel like I'm heading into crazy bride territory...  I also feel really bad about this where the first photographer is concerned because I met her and she's a lovely woman and she does have a good eye... I can tell she'll be a great photographer someday... right now she's good, but not "magazine editorial" good the way the other photographer is.

Cling-on

Um. Ew.  I think I may just have become one of those people. You know the ones? The ones who can't do ANYTHING without their significant other? DAMN those people are annoying.

I've had several friends in the past who, when I would invite them out, would bring their husband/partner along. WTF? Seriously. In all of those cases it was always something along the lines of, "Hey, the new Sex & the City movie is out! You wanna go?" It wasn't EXPLICITLY anti-husband, but I think any reasonable person would have read that as "Sally and Hypatia are going to the movies"... not "Sally, and JOE, and Hypatia are going to the movies"

The worst part is that it's always the husband who is an asshat who ends up being the tag-along. I suppose that's because the good husbands know how to read cues and don't just show up to something they're not specifically invited to. But it's always the idiot who would be like, "Hey Hypatia, why can't you find a husband yet? Hey Hypatia, don't you know women belong in the kitchen? Make me a sandwich! Ha ha ha" types who tag-along with their otherwise delightful wives.

(As a side note, how do otherwise delightful women (ok or men) end up saddled with insufferable spouses? I mean, they SEEM reasonable and everything and yet they're somehow COMPLETELY blind to their spouses asshatery.)

So, let me first of all say that Jedi is not in the least an uncouth buffoon who is of the knuckledragging-mouthbreathing- type I described above. He is, however, clingy.  Where I am, he wants to be.  He even pouts if I don't want to go to the grocery store with him because he can't stand to be apart from me. (Gag. I know.)  I've broken him of the pouting at least, but I know his impulse is still there.

This weekend when we went to a WOMEN'S expo I did have to explicitly tell him, "No, you may NOT join us. Sheesh!"  Heaven help me if I ever become one of those women.

And yet. Somehow. This evening when I decided I wanted to go to the gym and go swimming and I realized he wouldn't be able to come with me because he has class... I suddenly decided I didn't want to go if he couldn't come with me. Ugh. Eegads, right?

I may have to jump into the cold pool in the deep end just to rid myself of this feeling!

Jobs Jobs Jobs

So, Jedi STILL hasn't heard anything back officially from the job he's waiting on. This is totally ridiculous but also totally typical for this University.  While he'd really like this job we never know what might happen... so, on the plus side, he just got called in for another interview in a different department. Yippee!

As for me, I'm really liking my new position, though I'm still feeling nervous since it's technically a term position only through June. *sigh* I don't really know what's going to happen... people seem to like me and think I'm doing a good job... but, well, you never know what might happen!  Add to that the person who is currently my manager won't be my manager if I do get the job-- and I don't know who that manager would be-- so the job could change dramatically anyway.  Wait and see kind of thing, I guess.

In wedding news, my photographer fell through! ARGH! If any of you know of a good (CHEAP! Like, under $1000) photographer who is in the MA, NH, ME, VT area... do let me know!

Good Thoughts!

Jedi was contacted yesterday and told he's a finalist for a position-- in fact he's the top candidate!

Yippee!!!!  The only problem? They've asked to speak with his current supervisor (not just references) and his supervisor is an ass.  In fact, his supervisor is one of the reasons he wants to leave-- well, that and a pretty hostile workplace.

(e.g.  Jedi is a pretty sensitive guy, which is something I love about him.  The guys he works with are super-macho misogynist types and they're constantly harassing him.  For example, yesterday Jedi was whistling as he left the warehouse and one of the assholes he works with said, "Hey Jedi- you know who whistles?  Birds and faggots. And I don't see any feathers on you."  They're constantly throwing gay slurs at him-- in no small part I think due to the fact that he actively defends LGBT people when they do so, which just feeds the fire.)

I can't wait for him to get out of there. Hopefully he'll hear back today and hopefully it will be good news! Fingers crossed!