Dilemma solved!

So, in the comments of the post below, Perpetua wondered what the insulting things were that Muckraker had posted and she also suggested that I send Jedi to pick Muckraker up from the hospital.

The insulting things were along the lines of-- (After posting a news article about economic gender disparity)-- "Oh, Poor Hypatia! The world is really conspiring against you. Boo Hoo Hoo. Yes, it's all an elaborate plot to keep you down." There were a couple more comments along those lines that I just didn't even bother responding to. It's one thing to disagree with me, but to turn it into something personal (when it wasn't to begin with?) WTF is that? Not worth getting into it.

I jokingly suggested to Jedi that I would send him to pick Muckraker up from the hospital and he said, "Only if Muckraker wants a punch in the face." Ha.

Well, in any case, I solved my dilemma of the previous post by asking a mutual friend of mine and Muckraker's if she would be able to pick him up from the hospital. She said yes.

I now feel absolved of any lingering sense of responsibility. Well...Conscience SEMI clear! Why do I say that? Well, because the friend I asked to pick Muckraker up is Nell. This is what you have to know about Nell-- She's a very smart woman. She's actually an engineer working on hybrid technology. HOWEVER... She is the FLAKIEST person I know. Like, a croissant has nothing on her.

To give you an example, last week we were supposed to have lunch on Monday. She had to cancel. We moved it to Tuesday. She had to cancel. We moved it to Wednesday. She had to cancel. We moved it to Thursday. She had to cancel.

She SWORE up and down that we would do it on Friday, no excuses. We made plans for noon. Well, on Friday at 11:45 I was in a meeting and my assistant tells we (when I get out at noon) that a woman had stopped by for me. I assumed Nell would be back in a little bit and come and get me at our agreed upon time.

12:00...12:10...12:15...12:30.... No Nell. I'm hungry and fed up at this point, so I leave to go grab a bite and take a walk.

I come back and there's a note on my desk and a slice of Pizza from Nell. She wrote, "Sorry I missed you! I stopped by to have lunch at 12:45, but you weren't here. Oh well! Have a good day."

Like, seriously?

Ok, so you're probably thinking, why are you friends with someone like that? Well, like I said, you just have to accept that she is terribly scattered and know that she's not very reliable. She's a good friend when you're with her, and really fun, but you just have to know you can't really count on her for much.

Heh. Heh. Heh.

Um. Does that make me kind of evil to entrust her with picking up Muckraker???

I told Muckraker that the next time he was gearing up to ask me a favor he might want to try using a little more honey and a little less vinegar.

Don't Call Me Carrots!

I've not posted about Muckraker recently because he's really quite irrelevant at this point-- someone I considered a friendly acquaintance at best.

If you may recall, back in January he asked me for a small favor (to pick up and mail something to him). He's now popped back up on facebook in the past couple of weeks making comments that are progressively more and more asstastic. I can't say there's anything particularly -- I don't know -- despicable about them, but the comments are rather mean-spirited nonetheless.

The thing is, I don't think he'd consider them mean-spirited... he would consider them teasing( and think that I'm being (a) humourless (feminist... is there any other kind?) about it.) His comments are basically the facebook equivalent of pigtail pulling-- annoying and generally unkind, but done in an effort to elicit a very specific response from me.

You'll be proud to know that I've completely ignored him. I have no need to engage in that bullshit (though, admittedly, this time last year I probably would have been tee-hee-heeing about it and feeling ever-so flattered. Damn! Was I ever a fool!!? THANK GOD I found Jedi.)

Are you wondering what Jedi thinks about all this? He thinks Muckraker is an ass, and he wanted to respond to the comments on my wall (Which I told him he was free to do... but as a general rule you shouldn't feed trolls as they grow in to even bigger monsters.) Jedi doesn't really care about Muckraker though since I've made it clear that for all of Muckraker's accomplishments Jedi is 100% the better man and there's no one I would rather be with.

So... why haven't I blocked Muckraker yet? Hmmm... that might be a good question... I certainly toyed with the idea this week since he's been so fucking annoying. There are basically 2 reasons. The first is that we're all part of the same group of friends. To do that would certainly cause a rift in the group which is, frankly, not worth it. The second is that for all the favors Muckraker has asked of me, I plan on calling in a few of my own someday. Muckraker is in a field I hope to get into, and frankly, I want the contents of his little black book.

Why do I bring all of this back up now? Well, because after all of the BS Muckraker pulled this week he has the NERVE to ask me for a favor! And a pretty big favor too! He wants me to pick him up at the hospital after surgery. He says he feels comfortable being 'vulnerable' around me. (Gack... just gag me. Like I said, 12 months ago that would have made me melt. How embarrassing to think about it!)

But... well... the worst part is that I'm actually considering doing it. Is that terribly foolish of me? I guess I'm just feeling compassion because of my own recent surgery. I know how lost and alone I felt and I had wonderful friends taking care of me, and I'm so grateful for that. I feel like I need to 'pay it forward' and put a good deed out there in the universe, yanno? I mean, for all of his bluster and bravado, Muckraker is really alone and probably pretty miserable, i think. (Not because he's alone... I know plenty of people who are happy being alone... but because of his assy personality that doesn't let anyone close.)

I haven't spoken to Jedi about this, but I know all he'll do is roll his eyes and be like, "This guy is a jerk. Why are you doing this again?" But the truth is he won't really care... (And Jedi is such a kind sucker himself he'd probably offer to drive Muckraker himself if he was asked... I say this with authority as Jedi has a couple of friends who are part of the douche-brigade and Jedi still manages to see the good in them.)

Anyhoo... I haven't gotten back to Muckraker. I think if I do I'm going to tell him that I can't believe he's asking me to do this after his douche-tastic comments. But, like I said, I do feel like I need to put good karma out there to the universe so I'd probably end up doing it.

Thoughts, interweb friends?

Heaving a Big Sigh

If you'll recall, Muckraker came out of the woodwork asking for a favor the other day.

Whatever-- It wasn't a big deal, so I did it.

He then commented on one of my newly posted pictures on facebook telling me that I looked hot.

Seriously??? (sigh) If he had done that at this time last year I would have been SQQQQUUUUEEEAAALLLIIINNGG with delight. Right now? (sigh) It's not anything I'm going to make a big deal about so I'm not going to respond (and, let's face it, it's always nice to get a compliment--whatever the source.) But wow am I not in the same place I was last year. Betcha y'all are relieved! (Esp. Npapaya!)

(And for those curious, yes, Jedi knows all about it.)

As for Jedi, his douchetastic ex Cruddy (the 35 year old with 6 ex husbands) is still texting him at all hours of the night (midnight, 1 am...) And at all hours of the morning... (6am... 6:30am...) She's also been commenting non-stop on his facebook page. (Yes, Jedi could block her on facebook... but frankly I don't care enough--she's just annoying, I'm not worried about him cheating, and this lets me keep tabs on her comments...)

Jedi says he hasn't been texting her/communicating, and I believe him.

Grrr... One night I contemplated texting her back and saying, "We're in the middle of having sex. Do ya mind?"

Not that it would HELP matters, of course...

You're kidding me, right?

Muckraker is in touch, out of the blue, insisting that, No, he doesn't always contact me when he needs favors, but that yes, he does in fact need a favor this time.

He wants me to go pick up a prescription and mail it to him. (It would have been amusing if the prescription had been Viagra...)

Sucker that I am, I'll probably do it. (But believe you me, I'll be calling in favors as well in the next year or two...)

Resurfacing Exs (and former flames)

Muckraker just called. Yanno. Just to chat. Just to shoot the breeze. Just to mention that something I had written had made him laugh. And so he wanted to call and tell me that.

~

In other news, Jedi's Ex girlfriend ( we'll call her Cruddy. Because that's kind of her name. I also find it funny that Ramses also nicknamed her Cruddy, and we've never talked about her with each other...) has been in touch with him.

Now, I'm not the jealous type. I really don't mind if he's in touch with his ex's, but there are ex's and EX's if you know what I mean.

Cruddy is effing INSANE. She dated Jedi when he was 19.... and she wsa 34. I'm sorry, but that is some effed up shit. There was all sorts of other crazy stuff about her... she's Wiccan (um. not that there's anything wrong with that... but. um... you know how some of those Wiccans can get...) She's been married 5 times... she's super clingy... She kept trying to get Jedi to sleep with her again after they'd broken up he'd wised up and dumped her.

Jedi posted some pictures on his facebook page of the two of us... and Cruddy commented on them... rather inappropriately. Cruddy's 15 year old daughter commented on them telling Jedi that he looked really handsome. Cruddy called him 2x in the last few weeks... Just to -- yanno-- catch up. And to let him know she's getting divorced... for the 6th time.

Oh PUH-LEASE.

She totally wants him again, and she's still totally gross.

I told Jedi that if he wanted to be in touch with her, that was fine, but that he really shouldn't encourage her... and that she's totally coming onto him. He agreed and said he was going to cut off contact.

Except... That he didn't. In fact, not only did he cut off contact, but he initiated it. For a totally ridiculous reason. He claimed he needed advice on how to properly cite sources.

This led to our first fight.

Um... HELLO! Who is currently working on a Master's and has about a MILLION essays under her belt? Oh yeah. that would be ME. NOT CRUDDY.

He was like... "I know, I know... I called everyone else in my address book before I called her. I couldn't find info on how to cite for these special circumstances online."

I pointed out that I was hurt that he thought of calling her before he thought of calling me.

Then... The telling remark... "I was embarrassed to tell you I didn't know how to do it."

*Sigh*

I don't know how to get him over that particular hurdle other than to tell him that he can come to me with stuff like that. No one is born knowing how to cite.

Anyway... no voices were raised and we calmly talked though it, so probably a good 1st fight... But GRRR! I want to call Cruddy and tell that skeezbag to get lost.
Don't worry. I won't. That's not my fight.

Blast from the past

Y'all won't believe who called me at work today... Muckraker.

I mean, right? I know. That's effed up.

It's funny, in the past I would have been all a twitter... Whoo! He called! Right? Ha.

I know you will NOT be surprised to hear he needed a favor.

I was a little more surprised to hear him asking how my love life is going... Do I have a boyfriend?

Ha ha ha ha!

I the past I would have been flattered by this thinking, "Gee! Maybe it means he wants me after all!"

I was vague. It's none of his business.

Besides, I'm 99% sure that our mutual friend Mary would have told him that, yes, I AM dating someone.

I turned the question around on him... "Are you dating anyone?"

He totally dodged that one.

He asked if he could call me next week. I said sure... Mostly because I'm amused by this.

Compare and contrast Muckraker (Who could also be called Mr.2Old being 12 years older than I am...) with Mr.2young.

Muckraker has only ever been in touch when he needs something, he never does anything thoughtful/out of the blue for anyone as far as I can tell, and if not outright deceitful then definitely shady.

Mr.2young is in touch with me daily (much to my annoyance sometimes,) is always thoughtful (He got my favorite candy for me the other day... This morning he came to my work and brought me breakfast...), and he's totally honest-- to an extreme, sometimes.

There's really no comparison, is there?

Hmmm... I think I got the better bargain.

(Oh-PS! When it rains, it pours! Science Guy is back in touch! He wants to do breakfast sometime this week. I'm amused. I'll meet with him. Maybe I'll bring Mr.2young along... hee... hee...)

Don't Fuck This One Up!

"Don't fuck this one up."

Those are the wise words of my straight-shooting therapist. I would be offended at the implication that I have fucked up other 'ones' if I didn't know it to be true. My flight instinct is still in high gear though I'm trying to fight it. I admit though that as much as I like Mr.2young I'm still looking for the character flaw that will allow me to kick him to the curb. (Harsh, I know...)

And, intuitive guy that he is, Mr.2young confessed that his fear is that he's going to do something that is going to give me a reason to do that.

*sigh*

Do I feel bad about this? Somewhat. Is this totally unfair to him? Absolutely. Which is why I'm not letting myself end it though my instinct is to do so.

I enjoy the time I spend with him. When I'm with him I don't have any doubts or fears because I'm just in the moment. But when he's gone all those insecurities come flooding back.

I feel like a drowning swimmer who, when the lifeguard comes to save him, fights and thrashes instead of letting himself be saved, thus drowning the lifeguard as well. I don't want to do that.

I went against my instincts and invited Mr.2young to a jazz club on Friday with about 10 of my friends. I was nervous. He was nervous. (Again, he worried that if they didn't like him it would be an excuse to get rid of him. Like I said, smart guy.)

I like to keep my different worlds from touching. Sometimes they interact-- such as when Nell (A Grad Student friend) and Npapaya (A Work Friend) came over the other night. Rarely do the twain meet though, and I like it that way. This group on Friday was my 'Grad Student friend' group, which is probably worse than having him meet my work friends. I would say that my work friends are a little kinder, more understanding. The grad students are great, but totally bitchy. (In a super fun way!)

The grad student friends knew both Muckraker (because he was a grad student), and Science Guy (Because I invited him for dinner with them once.) They obviously liked muckraker (even if they did find him super shady), but none of them liked Science guy for some inexplicable reason. The only thing they would really say is "He's not good enough for you." Which... frankly... was totally not true. I don't know by what definition they were using "not good enough." He was nice (if a bit immature), smart, well-educated (post-doc), well-established, generous, and into me. But... whatever.

So, yes, I was nervous as to what their opinion would be... imagine my surprise when only half-way through the evening my friends started giving me surreptitious thumbs-up. I got numerous people saying, "We really like this one!" "So much better than the last guy!" So... yippee...? :-p

He spent the night on Friday and I had to work on Saturday. He was supposed to spend the night on Saturday and Sunday, but I cancelled on him. No, not because I wasn't feeling it, but because I'd been around people WAY too much this weekend. I'm an introvert at heart, and I need a lot of space and quiet time to recuperate after being around people.

I do know that this might seem crazy... like, why would I prefer an evening alone (with Don and Betty Draper!) to fun times with a real, live, cute guy... ? Right? But it's really about my own sanity and needing space. I have forewarned Mr.2young numerous times about this-- that it's not personal, but that I need lots of alone time. He seems to get it (or, at least if he doesn't he feigns understanding quite well.)

I might see him tonight. I'll probably see him on Wednesday if we go to a play together.

(PS-- Another example of my craziness? I told him he needs to stop telling me I'm beautiful and gorgeous. It just makes me too uncomfortable. Probably because *I* don't believe it, and so therefore it feels like he's lying to me. Yes, yes... I need professional help. Don't worry. I'm getting it.)

Not Surprised, Kind of Amused

So, it's been 2 days and I haven't heard back from the guy I went out on the coffee date with. I had emailed him after our coffee, and after he had indicated that he would like to see me again.

Therefore, why am I not surprised that I didn't hear from him? Because of the vibe I got from him when we met. He had very much the air of someone who had once been very popular in high school, but that his life hadn't quite lived up to that potential. Things like his insistance that he wasn't the type of person who HAD to go online to get a date (you know. Unlike the rest of us losers. Ha. Yeah right.) His mention of another girl he'd met online and how even though he didn't want to go out with her again, it made him feel good that she contacted him to get together again. (I don't blame him for this. I certainly feel the same way... in fact, sometimes when I'm looking for a bit of a self-esteem boost I'll put a profile up on some sites that I haven't been on in a long time. There's always a bunch of new emails when you're new on a site.)

Like I said, not much invested in this one, and the vibe was kind of off from the start. BUT I do find it amusing that he was really insistant about wanting to see me again when I left, and now he's not responded. Maybe this is progress... at some other times I would have been depressed by this, I think.

The OTHER thing I'm amused about is Muckraker. The dude has ISSUES. (Not that we didn't know this...) My friend Nell asked him out a little while back and evidently he got really uptight and said, "I don't think of you that way."

The reason this is funny is because we all have a mutual friend--Mary-- that I was having dinner with last night. Mary mentioned that Muckraker had confided in her earlier in the summer that if Nell were free (she is, she just had some lingering issues with an ex.) he would really like to date her.

I couldn't stop laughing... I think I know why this dude's single.

And in Not Surprised, but kinda bummed news: Descartes had written back to me after accepting my friend request, and I had written back a somewhat flirty little email.

No response.

*sigh* Nell says that she's not surprised, that her brother is the kind of guy who wouldn't know what to say because he's so shy.

My friend Dee thinks that I should email him again... but really? How could I really do that without coming off as a crazy person? I think I'll just have to keep my fingers crossed that he comes here for the holidays and try and engineer a get together at that point.

I choose my choice! I choose myself.

Last night I went out with a bunch of friends and Muckraker was there. It was suddenly as if a light had gone on (or off?) and as I was looking at him I realized I couldn't remember why I had ever found him attractive. (No, I won't go back into the blog archives to remind myself...!)

There was just-- nothing there. Phew! And more than that, bemusement as to "what on earth was I thinking was there in the first place?"

I think much of this came out of a realization I had over vacation. For the past 8-9 months or so I've been obsessing over muckraker and Science guy... as though I have to somehow choose between them (nevermind whether or not they actively want me/wanted me at various points in time.) As though these were somehow my only two choices EVER. Because if they didn't want me, who would?

And... Duh. This is a false dichotomy. Not only because there are more than those two guys in this world.... but because there's actually a third choice. And that third choice is myself.

And at this point in time? That third choice is a much better option than either of those two.

I'm not stopping my search, but it's good to realize I always have choices. And choosing myself is NOT a consolation prize... it's the GRAND prize. (This is not to say that finding someone awesome wouldn't ALSO be a GRAND prize... but that's the thing-- this isn't a zero-sum game. Both choices are/would be good ones. But it's so easy to get caught up in the dynamic of-- Oh, I HAVE to choose this person, or I'll LOSE by being alone FOREVER. And that's simply wrong.)

Wise Observations

My friend Kay recently sent me this note...


I looked at your blog last night for the first time in quite a while. I
didn't see any particularly new updates about science guy or muckraker,
which might be a good thing.

Last night, when I was reading the stuff you'd written about
him, I suddenly realized how similar he is to an ex of mine from almost five
years ago. English guy who I met right after arriving in Prague. Same snarky
personality, same affected air of mystery, same hot and cold attitude, even
the same propensity to use overly-intimate nicknames. We dated for about 8
months and it was very intense for most of that time, then he broke it off
in a REALLY weird, abrupt and unexplained manner. It bothered me for a long
time, just not understanding what had happened, until I started to see the
pattern.

Since then he sort of appears and disappears (via email mostly - we both
keep switching continents), usually in a harmless, seemingly-friendly way,
but once a year or so with sudden, urgent confessions of how much he misses
me and how he can't believe he let me get away, what terrible timing we (we?
I was there, where was he?) have, etc. There are also revelations about what
he was going through back then that, in retrospect, prevented him from
embracing his feelings, or whatever, etc. He just did this again a few weeks
ago after quite a long hiatus. It's really very disarming.

But there's something intrinsically... off... and conveniently ill-fated
about the whole thing, which is the same vibe I get from the muckraker
stories. Guys like this are more sinister than guys who are just players
because there actually is a connection, and there are brief moments that
seem (or genuinely are - haven't worked that out yet) intensely meaningful
to both parties. Then there's a whole lot of nothing in between after they
run away... Thinking about it, I have half a mind, next year when my ex
inevitably starts sending "maybe the responsible thing would be to contain
my feelings, but..." emails again, to announce my intention to get on a
plane and live happily ever after with him. I'm sure my next email would
bounce and he'd have moved flats out of fear. Sort of the way muckraker came
on so strong and then completely failed to act on it when you made it clear
you were interested too. I don't think they even do it by design - I think
they're just kind of broken. It probably isn't a coincidence that my ex was
significantly older than me, too, just like muckraker. A woman their own age
would probably see through the bullshit.

Anyway, this anecdote is just a long, rambling way of saying that I've just
noticed the parallels between these two situations and you really need to
ignore him until he thinks he's lost his effect on you. Otherwise, he'll
probably keep randomly calling you from Montana, so to speak, for a long
time.

Ok, that's my super-wise observation/advice...



Thanks, Kay! That IS super-wise advice!

And I have to say, my vacation seems to have provided much needed clarity and head-clearing! I can say, very truthfully, I am *SO* over muckraker. But that is another post...!

Glutton for Punishment

Muckraker stopped by yesterday to chat. He was the one who had asked to stop by, but he acted like I had asked him, saying, "What did you want to talk about?"

Whatever.

I was immediately put off.... and he exhibited massively rude behaviour that I know I would never be able to tolerate in someone I was dating. I had to bite my tongue to keep from telling him, "I know why you're single... it may have something to do with your belching..." So grossed out.

Last week we had talked about some writing I had done, which was not coming along well. He had offered his critique-- some points were valid, some points were really because he doesn't appreciate/get the type of writing I do--- which is very woman-centered, and focusing on emotions. Since I have yet to ascertain whether or not he actually has emotions, it's not surprising that he didn't like it.

All the same, I was rather put off when he said to me. "I was disappointed in you. I think you're a much better writer than this, and you're not pushing yourself."

It hurt. Yes, yes it did. Part of it is because I know he's right-- it's not the best writing I've done. The other part is that I know he wouldn't like much of any writing I would do. And the third part is that I know I'm taking the path of least resistance where this project is concerned, but because of work circumstances it's what makes the most sense.

But mostly I was angry. Who the fuck are you, dude, to tell ME that YOU'RE disappointed in ME? WHO are YOU to ME? No one. What gives you the right? Asshole.

On the plus side, this exchange really helped convince me that I need to get back in the dating game more seriously. I don't know why I keep waiting around for various people to grow the fuck up. (Maybe because it's easier than meeting new people?)

I need to find some people who are grown ups already.

and the usual shadiness...

Muckraker is back to his usual... "super attentive/I'm going to ignore you now" ways.

Super attentive on Tuesday (and slightly shady... having to leave at 9pm for some mysterious "something else"). Asking if we could get together on Wed...

... Standing me up on Wed... (well, standing me up may be too harsh-- he said "Let me stop by sometime, and then late in the afternoon said he was running behind on stuff, could we meet on Friday." Sure, I said.)

Wed night party... Totally shady... taking a year off to do... "something I can't talk about..." (so he won't be graduating with our class after all.)... Randomly ignoring me.... Overheard him talking to a mutual friend about some girl-- sounded like he was setting up a date with her... (Which, for eff's sake, if he's as shady with potential girlfriends as he is with his "friends"... well, let's just say, "I know why you're single.")

Ugh. Can't stand any of it.

I've promised Npapaya I won't mention him to her anymore. (Which is a good thing, really. Because what is there left to say? It's been like 9 months of the same hot/cold shit.)

But, he is still under my skin.

Perhaps random making out with other people will make me want to stop scratching this particular itch.

Mindgames

I think... in fact, I'm pretty sure... in fact, I'm nearly certain... that Muckraker is flirting with someone I can't stand just to drive me nuts.

Ok. Maybe he's not doing it just to drive me crazy. But that is the unfortunate side effect.

Blegh.

I can't believe I'm still wasting brain power and energy thinking about him. And yet, I am. Because I see him at least 6 hours a week.

And sometimes he's super flirty. And sometimes he gives me great conversation. And sometimes he asks me to get together. And sometimes he looks at me like I'm the only person in the world.

And other times he's a total fuckwit who flirts with a whory coke-head (who has more ex-husbands than common sense) in the midst of my class project presentation, and my mind wanders, and I babble incoherently in front of the professor and 100 other students, because I'm too busy paying attention to the cozy little flirty drama happening in the third row to put my mind to anything useful.

... Um. Hypothetically speaking. Not that anything of the sort happened... MmmHmmm... All hypothetical...

A total bust!

Ugh. Bad blind (or, not-so-blind) date!

(If you'll recall, Npapaya set me up on this. I'm really starting to question her otherwise infallible wisdom as this is the second terrible blind date she's set me up on.)

So-- What was wrong with this guy?

• WAY too short for me. (When I'd originally met him, he was sitting down. MISTAKE!) He was a good 6 inches or so shorter than I am. And I am not a super tall woman. (5'8)
• WAY too old for me. (Now, I know this seems odd, given that I like Muckraker and all that, and Muckraker is only about 3-5 years younger than this guy... but this guy just SEEMED SO MUCH OLDER! (Maybe this is also because Muckraker is so immature... hmmm.)
• I felt like I was having a conversation with one of my grandparents' friends... just, completely cross-generational. I would mention something from pop culture, and he would just stare at me blankly.
• No conversation. I felt like I did a good job of carrying the conversation... He put in an effort (for him) I think... but there were a lot of.... "yup." "MmmHmm" kind of responses, that make it difficult to carry on a conversation.
• Lack of ambition. He's in the same job he's been in for the last 10 years. And, he seems perfectly happy to plod along in it for the next 10 years. That would be perfect for some girl, I'm sure. That girl is NOT me. (Again, this is also what I like about Muckraker-- his rather risky and adventurous career choices. *sigh*)
• THE CHECK. Ok. I admit, I wouldn't have gone out with him even if he HAD picked up the check... But he didn't pick up the check. Even with all the purse fiddling I did. And... well, for all my feminist ways, I'm TOTALLY old-fashioned when it comes to this. I'm not a "gold-digger" by any means. I completely expect to support myself. When in a relationship I try to split the costs for things regularly (Not necessarily 50/50... but more along the lines of-- "Oh, you got the check last time, let me get it this time.") Science Guy and I do this all the time. (In fact, I have to give Science Guy a 100% satisfaction score on this point. He's very good at offering, even when I insist on paying. When I do insist on paying, he makes a point to grab the check at the next thing we do.)

I was talking to my therapist about the check-paying thing actually. She says that the men she talks to feel like they're in a terrible bind, that they're worried about offending women if they offer to pay... (Show me one woman who has ever been offended by an "OFFER*!?!)... I call Bull SHIT on that one.

Now, I can understand if that offer comes with strings attached-- even only implied, about what someone is "paying" for with that dinner. SKEEVY. I would be offended too.

But, a good date should be like going out with a good friend, I think. It shouldn't be a high-pressure thing. When I go out with Npapaya, sometimes I'll get the check, sometimes she does, sometimes we'll split it.

The one difference however? On a "first" date? The guy should really get the check. I'm sorry, that's just the way I feel about it. Most women I've talked to feel the same way.

If a guy DOESN'T get the check? That is my #1 signal that he is not interested in me. If he asks me out again, after not having gotten the check? Not only does that confuse me, but it also gives me a bad foreshadowing of any relationship... Just that he doesn't find me worthy of much consideration. Imagine what a 10th anniversary would be like with a guy like that? NO THANK YOU. Either way, no second date. Maybe that makes me a bitch... maybe.

So... long story short, I couldn't wait to get out of there with that guy. Glad that date is over with!

Ooops! Let's play catch-up.

I realize it's been a long time since I posted. Time has been getting away from me since I started classes and since I've been trying to wrap up some work as I'm transitioning to my new position.

So.... with that in mind, let's play some catch up!

Science Guy:
Remember how in that last post I mentioned that Science Guy was growing on me? ...Sigh... Seems like we take two steps forward and then one step back. We went out about a week ago, and things were going well until I brought up the whole "Girls Gone Wild" episode (I know, I know, I couldn't leave well enough alone.) It still bothers me that he thinks I'm over reacting, whereas I just think it's totally douchey. I know on some level he's just immature, and I know that I can't expect him to agree with everything I believe in, but to me this is rather important. I'm not even anti-porn, I just think Girls Gone Wild in particular is so disrespectful to women. (And now that I've mentioned "Girls Gone Wild" two three times in this post, I'm sure to have many new readers finding their way here!) I'm just not sure where that leaves us. Add to that the fact that he seems perpetually stuck in this place of expressing interest, but then backing away when I reciprocate, and I just don't know where to go from there.

Muckraker:
Speaking of immature.... ! Muckraker is WAY too old to be acting like a second grader. (I've spoken to a couple of my guy friends about him, and they were both saying "Oh, yeah. He's interested. That's how guys show their interested." Which, to me, just proves how weird, and how perhaps I'm not equipped to deal with men.) He passes me notes in class, and 'playfully' hits me... (DUDE! You're FORTY FUCKING YEARS OLD!)... And he's incredibly annoying....

And yet-- let's face it-- there's a part of me that gets off on the attention, the drama of the 'hot and cold' attention, he gives me, or I would just tell him to fuck off.

But there's another part too....
We had dinner with a couple of our mutual friends the other night. It was an impromptu thing, and I didn't really invite him to join us, a couple of the friends I invited to dinner did, (because they're both trying to play matchmakers...) Every once in awhile I would turn towards him and I would catch him staring at me. And he gets this expression on his face, this expression that somehow says, "You are the most beautiful, interesting, amazing person I've ever met." Maybe I'm projecting... maybe it's wishful thinking... but that's how I read it. And that expression stops me in my tracks and makes me forget all his douchiness. And that's what I really get off on. (Hell, I totally know I could be wrong. For all I really know, that expression actually means, "I'm constipated.")

New Guy... Let's call him ShyGuy...
I've been set up on a sort-of-blind date for this coming week. Npapaya's friend has been trying to set me up with ShyGuy for almost a year now. I'm pretty open to being set up, but this person is a (distant) colleague, and he's quite a bit older (Somewhere between 40-45... which, I know though Muckraker is 40, he seems younger somehow-- perhaps because I met him in my classes, I first met him when he was 39--which psychologically puts him in a different place, and...he's so fucking immature.) I had seen him from afar before-- he's not bad looking, though rather short, but he's also not someone who would make me turn around and take a second glance. Mostly because he seems very much like someone who would have three kids, and be settled down...

All that to say that I wasn't too keen on being set up-- not for any particular reason, but rather because there didn't seem to be a compelling reason to go out with him. Didn't seem like there'd be much in common.

Npapaya invited me to a July 4th party and ShyGuy was there. I didn't realize it was him since I'd not really seen him up close before (and frankly, I don't know that I'd be able to describe him now... like I said, not unattractive, but just nothing distinguishing, I think.) We talked a little bit...and the conversation was a little bit of a disaster. I believe I said something along these lines.

(About the brownie's he'd made.) Me: These are really good brownies.
Him: Oh, I'd be happy to give you the recipe. (In hindsight, this would have given him a good excuse to contact me. If I'd been thinking clearly, I would have realized this.)
Me: Oh. No thanks. I don't cook. I mean, I would... If I had anyone to cook for. But I don't. Because I'm single. But I'm a good cook. If I did cook. But I don't. Because I'm single. I mean, I don't mind being single, but I'd probably cook more. If I wasn't. You know. Single. Did I mention I'm single?

Doh. Now, normally such verbal diarrhea would indicate nervousness because I really liked this person, but in this case it was only because I was trying to keep the conversation going. I didn't really feel like we had much to talk about.

Npapaya and her friend were very excited the next day, saying, "It couldn't have better planned! What did you think of him!?" etc. I mentioned it was fine, but nothing exciting.

Npapaya asked me if I would want to go out with him? Did she want me to set something up. Again, no real compelling reason to go or not to go... I said ok. And, well, she did. And so we're going out sometime this week.

The reason I said yes is really because Npapaya and her friend have been really talking him up. "He's the nicest guy! Really sweet! Quiet and Shy. You just need to get to know him!" Ok. What's there to lose? Worst case scenario I'll have gotten to better know a colleague, right?

In which you would be somewhat proud of me. I think.

I went to a party today for members of the program I'm in. I anticipated Muckraker might be there, but I was determined not to let it bother me.

He came, and chitchatted a bit with me, and made some flirty/assholish comments (you know the type. Like, 2nd grade hair pulling kind of stuff to deliberately get a rise out of me.) I did not respond in kind. He even commented on the fact that I wasn't reacting to comments of the sort that I would normally react to.

(Yea, me!)

I was civil, but hopefully distant.

I spent most of my time talking to other people.

However... (shamefully!) ... I have to admit that I was aware of his every move. Like radar, I couldn't help myself from constantly keeping track of where he was, who he was with, etc. I don't WANT to do this, believe me. Frankly, it's almost what I heard an addict feels like with alcohol... People around them think that they're engaged in what's going on, but the truth is their attention is always on where that alcohol is, and when can they have their next drink. That's the way I felt about muckraker.

(Yes, I'm now hiding my head under the pillow after writing those words. I am such a LOSER!)

My friends invited me out for drinks after this... I hesitated, but then turned them down. I knew it would be a late night. Under normal circumstances I wouldn't join them because it would be so late. The only reason I was contemplating going out was because Muckraker would be there.

That's not a good reason.

So, I pick an early night's sleep instead. (Which I need, because I was up until 4am last night tossing & turning while thinking about the summer ahead and the torture my classes are going to be with him in them.)

Aren't you proud of me?

I have decided to studiously ignore him. (Do you think he'll notice? Hmmm... Probably not.)

In which I mindfuck this situation to death...

Muckraker wrote back with an explanation.

Well, his first email back to me was rather combative, but was essentially: "I wasn't going through your stuff. I was looking at something I had looked at before. I don't get why you're making such a big deal about this."

My email back to him was: "Given what I was told, can't you see why I would think what you did is a big deal?"

His response: "Yes, I can, but I didn't think I was doing anything wrong. I was looking for the list you had already shown me, and I didn't want to bug people in the office who were already stressed with other stuff for help." He ended it with, "Still Friends?"

I thought about responding with "Still friends??? When were we EVER friends? Friends don't fall off the face of the earth for several months, or not return emails, or only be in touch when they need something. Asshole. No we're not Still friends because we were never friends."

But, of course, I didn't do that. I basically said, "Sure. But next time, when you have a question, actually address it to ME instead of helping yourself."

He responded rather oddly to that by saying that he was busy until the end of the week, but that after that he wanted to tell me about his spring and he wanted to hear about mine. And Oh. He also mentioned that we'll be having not one, but TWO classes together this spring. AWESOME. (/sarcasm)

I'm not saying that sarcastically because I DON'T want to see him, I'm saying that sarcastically because I DO want to see him. Even after all this. Even in spite of his super douchey behaviour. Even in spite of the fact that I've rarely had an interaction with him in which I've not felt worse about myself afterward. Like I said, he's totally under my skin. And so, I know that wanting to see him is the height of self-destructive behaviour. That I won't be able to concentrate the rest of the summer is the least of it. That I'll drive my friends BAT-SHIT insane, is bad, but that's not the worst part. (Well, Npapaya might think that's the worst part.) The worst part is that I know he's going to make me feel worse about myself.

One of the classes I'm taking is a writing course, and I do NOT want him to read my writing. I feel-- very stupidly-- that his opinion of my writing carries much more weight than it should. I know I should not care what his thoughts are about what I write as long as I like it.
And yet... What he thinks matters to me. And I know that if he doesn't like what I've done it will crush me. And... I also know, just by the genre of what I write, that he won't like it. So-- nice fucking catch 22 I have there, isn't it? Yes, I'm trying to convince myself that his opinions won't matter... I'm trying to psych myself up already. I doubt it will work.

Because I'm mindfucking this to death, I am also dwelling on the fact that he opened an eharmony account very recently, as evidenced by the fact that we just got matched. What does this say to me? That he's SO COMPLETELY uninterested in me that he'd rather go to the interwebs to find a date than ask me out. (Yeah, yeah... I'm on there too, but I was on there long before I even met him, and I made it plain this winter that if he asked me out I wouldn't say no.)

So. I feel like this is a rejection, almost as if I HAD asked him out, and he said no.

Now, don't get me wrong-- I know that if we went out it would totally implode & end badly, but at the same time I take as a sign the fact that he went to eharmony AFTER he knew me as an indication that I'm really not desirable. (Ok, yes, I DO realize that these are my OWN very fucked-up issues inside my head and that I'm reading way, way, WAY too much into this. Believe me, I KNOW that. But what a person KNOWS and what a person FEELS are two different things. And what I feel? Is like undesirable leftovers.)

Bah.

I had found equilibrium when he was gone.
He's not even been back for 5 days and he's got me totally fucked up with his mind games.
Why I'm trying to read his cryptic responses like tea leaves, I don't know. As Npapaya said, What makes me think that I'll ever be able to figure him out? He LIKES this. He gets off on it. It makes him feel important.

Npapaya was all for me cutting him off completely, which I was actually in favor of, and I was going to attempt it. Easy enough to avoid him in a lecture hall, even if we did have class together. In the writing class though? There are 5 people. Impossible to avoid him, or his critiques. (I need this credit, but I actually contemplated trying to get out of this class. (Ha ha... like Edward Cullen trying to get out of biology... I guess Muckraker is my own personal brand of heroin? Ha ha. Yes, I am behaving about as fucking stupidly sensibly as Bella, aren't I? Gawd, that book is crappy. And how crappy is this... infatuation... if I'm comparing it to the shit-fest of teenage melodrama & creepy stalkerish bad-boyfriend behaviour that is Twilight? Extra specially crappy, with a cherry on top. Believe me. I am aware of this.))

Bah humbug.

This will be a torturous summer.

Did I mention I live in the world's smallest town?

Muckraker & I just got matched on eharmony.

FFFFUUUUUUUCCCCCKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!

One has to laugh, or one will cry!

He also wrote back to me about the email I sent him about what he was doing in my office. I don't believe a word of it, and Npapaya has been good about helping me to draft a cool-collected-and professional response, I think, telling him how inappropriate what he did was.

Does he have aspergers? Was he dropped on his head as a child? I don't know-- I also don't know how someone can think that going through someone's private documents are ok.

Science Guy is looking like a prince in shining armor in comparison.

Something in the stars? Or just in the water?

As I mentioned, I'm getting all sorts of random calls this week.

Science guy is suddenly in touch again, as I mentioned. He wants to get together, which I felt rather ambivalent about. Again, I'm not sure what he's after since he's been all, "I want to be friends!" but is also, let's hang out at my place and rent dvds... (Which, hmmm... doesn't that usually lead to making out? Hmmm...)

I think I'll give him another shot though. His good qualities do outweigh his few douchey lapses, I think. He always does make me feel better about myself, he is very kind, and he is thoughtful (most of the time.) I don't think anything will go anywhere, but I wouldn't mind a little human contact these days, so-- well, why the hell not.

Muckraker on the other hand? I think he has gone of the deep end. Perhaps he always was off the deep end and I had too many stars in my eyes to notice (Um, and I can hear Npapaya saying, "DUH!")

After he called me several days ago (and might I add, he called me three times. On my work phone. After I made it clear I couldn't talk.) I called him back the next day. I figure y'all would be proud of me for not calling him back asap, but the truth is it wasn't calculated. I was tired and I forgot about it until it was too late to call. (I've been working crazy hours for the past 2 weeks and I'm exhausted!)

Unsurprisingly he wasn't calling to whisper sweet nothings, he was calling because he needed something. He is charming, and so I didn't notice it at first, but I do think he's quite a user. I mean, he was asking for advice and recommendations for housing in our area, and it's not a big deal-- not something I would fault a friend for asking-- but that's just it. He doesn't comport himself as a friend or anything else. He contacts when it's convenient, being excessively charming, raising expectations, and then disappearing. And I am SOOOOO over it. You would be proud how much I'm over it.

I was probably rather curt on the phone, but polite enough I think, and offered him my suggestions, and that was that. Or so I thought.

A couple days later I was working in the office I'd been relocated to for the 2 weeks we were doing this --well, conference, is probably the best word for it. I was in the "welcome" center where there was an office on one side and a lounge on the other. I was having lunch with Npapaya when suddenly I spot Muckraker coming out of my office.

Apparently he'd come looking for me. I introduced him to Npapaya (who kept rolling her eyes at him whenever his back was turned.) and we made a bit of small talk. Again, he had come looking for something-- he was looking to find out if someone was attending the conference.

I went to my office and checked the list, and I asked him more about this person. Turns out that he was looking for someone he'd never met before, someone a friend of a friend once knew. WEIRD. I told him he should probably just try and find her on facebook... (instead of stalking her at this conference... mmm hmmm... didn't say that part, but wouldn't anyone find that totally creepy???)

He asked if I would be in his class this summer (yes) and he said he was glad to hear it. And then he left.

Again, Npapaya rolled her eyes at him, and she asked me, "Do you think he was really looking for that woman? Or was he looking for an excuse to come and see you?"

The truth is, I don't know. If he was looking for that woman, that is rather creepy/weird. If he was looking for me, he has had ample opportunities to be in touch before this, and he has not indicated he's interested.

The worst part though? (And Npapaya can stop rolling her eyes!) is I do still find him very attractive. Like, I'm weak in the knees, attractive. (Yes, this is weird, because I'm probably the only one who does think this amongst my group of friends-- the rest of them are like-- "Hands down, Science guy is better looking." But it's less about actual looks I think, and whatever paticular alchemy makes one person attractive to another. There is no reasoning with that, I think.)


But! But! But! Our story does not end there!

This morning I was working on finishing up the last details for the conference--processing payroll, getting payments, and dealing with a bunch of incidents that involved security being called last night. There were about 10-15 people in the tiny space of this office all morning, and it was pretty bustling. That's why I didn't notice Muckraker come in until one of my co-workers (or, co-irkers in this particular case) says to me, "Who was that guy?"

That guy? That I spotted leaving the office? Was Muckraker. Apparently he'd come to my desk and been rifling through papers stacked on it. And then he left. All without saying a word.

I am LIVID. This is so beyond the realm of acceptable behaviour I don't even know where to start.

Perhaps he was innocently (but STUPIDLY) looking for info on this old friend of a friend he was trying to get in touch with. Or, given that in his trade he's a reporter, perhaps he was looking for actual confidential information.

I don't think any confidential info was in the stack on the desk he was apparently looking at, but over the course of this weekend I was working with the private information of both a senator and of a high-profile actress. I'm about 99% certain that while he may have seen lists with their names on it, the confidential info was in my database. But I am SO ANGRY that he put me into that position of potentially being compromised and risking my job.

I don't know what his deal is, but I am completely DONE with him. SO, SO, DONE.

I wrote him an email this evening that basically said, "What the FUCK were you doing this morning!?"

He has yet to respond, but given that it's him, I don't really expect him to. That is, until he needs something else....

UGH.

Out of the Blue

you will NEVER believe who just called me....

Muckraker.

On my work line.

From the other side of the country.

After having been absent since March.

After not answering my emails in April.

But he just called.

Just... yanno... to chat.

He said he had 3 things he wanted to talk to me about.

1) Was I mad at him?

2) what's the latest school news

And then his phone cut out before #3....


WTF was that about?


Do NOT let me go down this road again....!