Wednesday, June 24, 2009

In which you would be somewhat proud of me. I think.

I went to a party today for members of the program I'm in. I anticipated Muckraker might be there, but I was determined not to let it bother me.

He came, and chitchatted a bit with me, and made some flirty/assholish comments (you know the type. Like, 2nd grade hair pulling kind of stuff to deliberately get a rise out of me.) I did not respond in kind. He even commented on the fact that I wasn't reacting to comments of the sort that I would normally react to.

(Yea, me!)

I was civil, but hopefully distant.

I spent most of my time talking to other people.

However... (shamefully!) ... I have to admit that I was aware of his every move. Like radar, I couldn't help myself from constantly keeping track of where he was, who he was with, etc. I don't WANT to do this, believe me. Frankly, it's almost what I heard an addict feels like with alcohol... People around them think that they're engaged in what's going on, but the truth is their attention is always on where that alcohol is, and when can they have their next drink. That's the way I felt about muckraker.

(Yes, I'm now hiding my head under the pillow after writing those words. I am such a LOSER!)

My friends invited me out for drinks after this... I hesitated, but then turned them down. I knew it would be a late night. Under normal circumstances I wouldn't join them because it would be so late. The only reason I was contemplating going out was because Muckraker would be there.

That's not a good reason.

So, I pick an early night's sleep instead. (Which I need, because I was up until 4am last night tossing & turning while thinking about the summer ahead and the torture my classes are going to be with him in them.)

Aren't you proud of me?

I have decided to studiously ignore him. (Do you think he'll notice? Hmmm... Probably not.)


Perpetua said...

The only thing I can say is, we've all been there. That doesn't really help, I know, because you're there now, and "there" sucks.

I guess my point is, don't beat yourself up or feel embarrassed about any of this. You're not alone in having those feelings or being so affected by a person.

Hypatia said...

:-) Thanks.

I've just always been used to my brain being in charge, and it's kind of disconcerting to find that I'm wanting to disregard it and the flashing warning signs where Muckraker is concerned!