I'm more brilliant in my head

Hey my semi-faithful readers! Did you know that I compose posts in my head at night before I fall asleep? Approximately 0% of those posts actually get written, but I assure you-- they're brilliant! And insightful! And witty!

Tragically for  you, you are stuck with the daytime-me who can barely pull a comb through my hair. It's amazing, you should ask Jedi-- I'm actually super-productive starting at about 10:30pm... but the rest of the day, forget it.

So, all that to say that I had a wonderful post all planned out about how I wanted to put my life more into balance.  Ah! Balance! Or, should I say, "Ooooommmmm" {picture lotus pose here}

Except, I might be inviting more un-balance (ok, I know that's not a word!) into my life.  Because....

..... I just got accepted into "Regional" University to pursue an Ed.D in Higher Ed Administration.

Yippee! Right? (I know you can't see me, but picture Debbie Downer saying, "Yippee" and you've got the picture.)

I mean, yes, this is a good thing. I wouldn't have applied if I hadn't wanted to go. I evaluated my options and this is really the best program for me out there. This one allows me to keep my full time job (a good thing in this economy), take courses over the internet & the equivalent of 1 weekend/month & a few weeks in the summer.  It's relatively quick-- 2 years for the coursework, 1 year for the dissertation.  It's very reasonable, comparatively speaking-- $23,000 for the entire program.

So. All good things. All things that say, "DO THIS."  And I know I will probably do this. Doing this means that I can apply for jobs that pay more money, which is a mostly good thing -(mo' money, mo' problems though... in the management side, I mean. So, I'm actually kind of ambivalent about that.) Doing this means I have more options for the future, so yeah, I should do this.

But. *sigh* on the other hand... balance. I already feel like I've taken on too much between the two-ish jobs I'm doing, the additional (unpaid! yippee) work I've been asked to take on, the church stuff I keep getting voluntold to do, the community work I do, and the after-hours student programs I do.  It wouldn't be a lot for most people, probably (Just do all that and toss a couple kids in the mix, I know...) but I just feel like I need time for reflection.

And, also, I keep thinking-- is this what I want to be when I grow up?  I mean, is it?  It's kind of late to change now, practically speaking. And I like what I do, really, honestly, I'm very lucky to do what I do.  But who, on their deathbed, has ever said, "Gee, I'm so glad I was a mid-level college administrator all my life!"  (Not that I want to be a high-level college administrator; that just leads to lots of headaches.)  It's just that I want my life to be about more than that, and right now it's not.

I keep going back to the idea of writing. But, you know, I've had time to write. Lots of time. And I haven't done it. (And, honestly, I may not even be particularly good at it, but that's ok-- I'm not trying to write a magnum opus or anything.) But I keep having this dream. And I'm paralyzed by fear and indecision.

But I think I've come to a semi-decision.  I have three weeks to accept the offer of admission, in which case I would start in January.  Or, I could defer my start date until the spring.  So, I think that what I will do is devote some serious time in these next 3 weeks to writing.  If it goes well, if I make progress, if I feel like I can keep going... then I'll defer until the spring.  That's a good compromise for now, right? Right.

Now how to find time to go the the gym? Hmmm... maybe we'll stick with only one major life change at a time, eh?

I'd rather have a kid than a doctorate. I think.

I went to visiting day at one of the schools I'm applying to yesterday. I'm applying to two programs at the school-- one an MA in counseling and the other a PsyD.  (At a different school I'm applying to an Ed.D.)

One of my HUGE motivating factors in getting a degree in counseling -- whatever that ends up being-- would be to open up a private practice so that I can have a lot of flexibility in my life.  One of the reasons I want so much flexibility is because I want to be able to provide for my (potential future) family while still being able to spend time with them.

After going to the visiting day, hoping it would provide some clarity -- really thinking that I was leaning toward these two programs, but not sure which one-- I now am more conflicted, but finding myself leaning away from these programs and leaning toward the Ed.D.

One the one hand I felt good when the admissions people told me I'd be a good candidate for the PsyD program (This is not true for MOST PsyD programs ... it's complicated, but essentially my academic background isn't in Psych and so most schools wouldn't consider me since I don't have the pre-reqs.  This particular school specializes in adult learners/non-traditional students so their reqs are more flexible-- but it's still accredited & all that.)  I liked the school, I was impressed with the faculty I met & the facilities.


One of the reasons I was originally drawn to the school was because of their flexible program model-- a full day of classes 8am-7pm on Mondays and Tuesdays.  My hope was to continue working Wed-Fri, and it sounded like my workplace would be flexible with that.

Well, after talking to students who were there, it turns out that you have to do 20hours of practicum during the week-- and those are during business hours.  There's really no way to work a traditional office job doing that. The other students I talked to either lived off their loans (Gulp! all $200k of them.) or worked flexible jobs like waitress.  Essentially, that ends up being pocket money/gas money, because there's no way to support yourself on that. A lot of the students had spouses who worked full time and were able to support them.  *sigh*  It's nothing against Jedi... but I know that's not a possibility for us.

Additionally, I realized that even after I would graduate (assuming it took me 5 years, though it takes many students 7 or 8) I'd still have a 6th year of supervised work to get licensed and then at least 5 years of working for the government to pay off loans... That's 12 years from now.  Which would make me 42.  Not exactly prime childbearing years, huh?   Oh, sure, I could have a kid in the middle of doing the program... after all, as another student pointed out, there was a student in her class who was pregnant! With Twins!

Oh god. Kill me now.

Sure, of course it IS possible to do that with kids... but would I want to? NO THANKS. Plus, I know there'd be no way I'd graduate on time if I did that.

(So do the MA, you may be thinking... well, it turns out the MA is not really as flexible as advertised either. Sure, classes are on Tues & Wed... but  you have a practicum on Mondays.... and then the second year you're expected to do the internship full time, during regular working hours.  No way I could keep my job under those circumstances.  The students I spoke to also advised me to do the PsyD over the MA if I chose to do any of the programs.  The MA also requires a full year of supervised internship before being licensed... so essentially 3 years of earning no money)

In the case of both programs the admissions folks and professors were pretty clear that their graduates don't go into private practice in most cases, and those that do do so 10 or 15 years after they start practicing (working for clinics) and have built up a client base.  I.E. Not the flexibility I'm looking for.

I know other people are able to make it work-- my friend supergirl for instance is one of those women who can "have it all." But! She's also a freaking genius, has a husband with a great job and salary, has a 2 previous degrees in Psych, and was able to get a full scholarship + stipend.  I'm really happy for her for all those things-- she made decisions in her life that allowed her to do that.  If I could turn back time I perhaps would go back and get a degree in Psych (which would make me a more attractive candidate, which would potentially mean more scholarship $$) and fall in love with someone who earns good money . But I obviously can't change my undergrad major and I wouldn't change Jedi, because if he hadn't been living with his parents when we met, we never would have met.

So, all that to say, what is the answer?  I'm now thinking that the Ed.D makes the most sense and offers me the most flexibility.  It's a really tough because I think I would really enjoy the PsyD and that I'd be good at it.  If I won the lottery tomorrow and didn't have to worry about money, and could go to school and get a babysitter as needed-- absolutely. And don't they say that's how to measure what you really want?

But at the same time what I really, REALLY want is flexibility and to have a kid (not now, but like 3 years from now... but certainly not 12 years from now.) And for those goals I think the Ed.D might be a better fit.

Feeling groovy

The past few years were kind of rough. (Job uncertainty, crummy job, crappy love life...) Most of these things were not just for me, I know, but for the entire country. Hopefully we're on our way to better times?

The reason I bring it up is because I'm actually feeling pretty happy and content these days, which is a novel feeling.  I couldn't ask for anyone better than Jedi-- and amazingly, he seems to feel the same way.  I have a job that I like with coworkers I like. I feel like my job makes a difference, and I feel like I'm not only pretty good at it, but that my contributions are appreciated.  I'm feeling hopeful for the future.

Thinking about applying to school has been stressing me out. Thinking about not getting into any programs I want to get into has been stressing me out. Thinking about how to PAY for school has been stressing me out more. I've decided to stop letting it. Yup. Just like that.  Don't get me wrong, I still plan on applying, but I've decided to stop letting it be a barrier.

Hell, I'm not a senior in high school wondering if my life will go kaput if I don't get into schools A, B or C.  My life will be perfectly fine if I don't get into any schools. That's kind of a liberating thought.

I had a conversation with a great colleague the other day and I was expressing my anxiety around having a new boss.  My greatest anxiety was around the fact that I've successfully pulled of lots of big programming this year, which my current boss has seen and appreciated.  That means that I've kind of got "credit" in the bank with her-- e.g. if my next project goes kaput she won't say, "Well, see now-- I knew Hypatia was an incompetent idiot. This just proves it."  Instead she'll say, "Hmm, this isn't typical of Hypatia, this must have been an anomaly."

THAT I think is the most stressful part of having a new boss. (and I've had about 13-16 in the past few years depending on how you calculate it.) Always having to prove yourself again, and again, and again, and always being on your guard.  Phew.  No wonder I want to work for myself! Hopefully one of these degrees I'm applying to will let me do that. Fingers crossed.

What my colleague said to me when I expressed this anxiety was kidn of liberating and eye-opening in a Duh-Moment (no Aha- Moments for me!) kind of way.  She said, "Even if your new boss thinks you're an idiot, that doesn't mean that you are."

Oh. Really? Oh. Are you sure? Really? Oh.

Huh.

Wow.

That's pretty profound.

Even if it is kind of glaringly obvious.

Personal statements

I fucking hate personal statements on school applications. I hated them 11 years ago when I was applying to undergrad. I hated them 3 years ago when I was applying to grad school. I hate them even more now that I'm applying to grad school again.

Look, I get why people ask for them. I've read admissions forms. I know how indistinguishable candidates can be from one another when the grades and coursework are pretty much the same.

It still sucks though.  How can you be "authentic" (and still tell 10 different schools that they're your number 1 choice!)? How can you be original (and yet stay within these strictly confining guidelines)? How can you give an exhaustive accounting about yourself and why you're passionate about this particular degree (in only 500-700 words!)

These things SUCK. SUCK. SUCK. SUCK.  And I have 4 different ones to write and the questions/programs are all just different enough that I can't really recycle the answers.

And I'm totally procrastinating about it. And I should have finished a week ago.

GRR.

Frustration!

It's all well and good that I have this new life plan, right?

Yeah, except that of the 50 or so accredited programs in the country as I'm checking the admin recs, for most of them one is required to either a)have a bachelor's in psychology or b) have a master's in mental health/psychology and c) have classes in stats on your transcript.

WTF!?

Fortunately, the program I MOST want to attend doesn't require those things (it requires the psych GRE as most of the programs that are more "lenient" and not requiring a masters in psych do. Which is still a PITA, but not as much as asking me to go back in time and change my undergrad major.)

Well, good thing I still have the EdD as a back up. Not that I've actually gotten into that program yet, but it seems like I've got a much better shot at getting into it than any of the PsyD programs. But, well, at least I'll have tried, right?

Clean house and a clear(er) head

Have I mentioned that I love my therapist?  I got a good one kind of out of sheer luck. After essentially having a nervous breakdown due to the horribleness of a previous boss (see post below) I asked a friend for a recommendation, and voila! Good therapist.

I've had a fair  number of bad therapists in my life, such that it's kind of surprising I would go see a new therapist at all. But I did, and I've been seeing her for 5 years now. Kind of hard to believe it's been that long! I've been seeing her for so long that my insurance company cut me off from sessions because I'm "not getting better" apparently. They'd prefer that I try drugs. Less expensive, yanno.

But I AM getting better-- I know that much. Yes, it's slow going, but after 5 years I can confidently say that I wouldn't be getting married in August without her help in working through my issues. I still have a bunch more issues to unpack, which is why I still go and see her, but I know it's helping.

When I saw her last Friday I shared some of the issues described in the two previous posts. In one of the stories I shared about my frustrations and anger with the two women at the training session I'm participating in and how these two women are probably the least qualified people I've ever met and they are training to be therapists. Part of the reason it made me so angry was because I felt like they were doing something that I couldn't allow myself/give myself permission to do.

After all, on paper it makes much more sense to do the EdD program.

EdD            vs         PsyD
3 years                    4-6 years
$21k                      $100+k
Part time                 Full Time
Not moving             Probably Moving
Jedi keeps his job    Jedi probably needs a new job
Easy App Process   Difficult App Process
Potential future earnings for both about the same

But what seems clear on paper is less clear when one factors in emotions. And I was getting really emotional/tense/anxious without really knowing why.  And when I identified that I was really angry about other people doing what I wouldn't allow myself to do I suddenly felt much more at peace.  My therapist and another friend both said that my entire demeanor changes when I talk about doing one program versus the other.

I realized also that one of the things that is very important to me is being able to have control over my work environment and time.  I love my current job (most of the time.) My boss is great about being flexible if I need to go to an appointment or need a comp day. I have great vacation time (22 days!) I have good benefits... (they were better last year before budget cuts... grumble...)...

But, at the end of the day, I really have no control over who my next boss will be, if my benefits will be cut further, if my new boss will be flexible with vacation time... etc.

And I realized that if I do the EdD I am essentially saying that my life will be a life spent doing one thing, under the control of someone else, forever.  And in some ways it's not bad-- there's some security to that-- But what I want most of all is to be free and in control of my work life.  I want to be able to say that I won't take clients from 2-5 when my (hypothetical future) children are coming home from school. But I can take clients from 5-7 when lots of people with non/flexible jobs might need someone.  I want to be able to scale back my work load when my grandmother is sick so I can have more time to take care of her... etc.

Additionally, while doing the PsyD means that I can go into private practice, it certainly wouldn't prevent me from continuing to work at a school or college. I could potentially have the best of both worlds.

I'm also much more interested in the topics covered by the PsyD program than I am the EdD program.

After much thought and soul searching I realized how much freer and easier I felt at the thought of doing the PsyD program. In addition to all the factors mentioned above, I think I was just scared to try. I mean, what if I really went for what I wanted and I failed. Gulp.

I talked to a good friend-- Megan-- (i think I had given her a nickname on here at one point, but we'll go with Megan for now.)  She just got accepted to a similar program with a full scholarship & stipend (yea!) and she was giving me hints for the GRE/Psych GRE... (She got a perfect score... not surprising, knowing her... though she claims to be bad at standardized tests.) She's going to send me her resource books and everything, which I very much appreciate. Maybe someday-- if I get into a program-- we can even start a practice together, which would be amazing.

I also decided that I'm still going to apply for the EdD program. My application is already 3/4 complete and if I get in I can always defer until next year (2012).  That way I can go through the long, painful application process to the other programs but still potentially have a back up in case I don't get admitted to any of the PsyD programs. Which is possible. I may utterly bomb the tests and the applications.  But unless I try I don't think I'll be happy with myself.

There's one program I'd really like to get into above all others about an hour away because it means that I would probably be able to continue working where I'm at part-time, Jedi could stay in his job, and we wouldn't have to move. Fingers crossed for that one!

As for Jedi? Well, he's completely supportive, as always.

And, amazingly, these newfound revelations and the peace it brought me led me to give my house a thorough cleaning yesterday. ahhhhh..... My house hasn't been this clean since my mother came to visit last June.

Life on earth

So, I'm probably the worst blogger ever, aren't I? I have a super mundane life... no longer even any funny stories to tell you about bad dates... My job and relationship are both doing pretty well (knock on wood.)

You'd think that I would then use this forum to opine about feminist issues, wouldn't you? That was originally part of my intent in starting this blog. Instead it because only slightly more interesting than a 7th grader's diary. All it's missing is the hearts and doodles....

Anyhoo, all that to say that I'm sorry I haven't been updating very often, but at the same time to wonder how many people are still paying attention/interested in my meandering thoughts? Maybe not many.  I won't close up shop just yet, I'm just wondering if people would prefer a more consistent posting schedule or if people don't really care one way or another. Maybe I'm thinking too much about it, but I know there are a couple blogs I follow whose authors think their lives are pretty ordinary and they only post sporadically, and it drives me nuts because I'm actually really interested in what's going on in their lives.

So, I'll just give you the quick update from me. Work has been kicking my butt, glad the term is almost over.  Not looking forward to the first week of April when I'm running a big program that as of right now looks to fall flat on its face. Ugh.

I've decided to take up photography as a hobby/potential side business again. I really enjoyed it in the past, but with the switch to digital I never made the investment in a good SLR, and with $20/roll processing fees it was too expensive to continue that hobby. However, Jedi has pointed out to me that I do need a better hobby than "The Real Housewives of Wherever" so this might just be it.  If I have any pretty pictures to share, I will! Anyone have any thoughts between the Nikon D5000 and the Canon Rebel T2i?  I'm debating between both right now.

Additionally, I've decided to apply for grad school to get my Ed.D. I found a program (I won't tell you which one lest it be overrun with applications!) that is a hybrid online course/weekends on campus which should fit well with my schedule. It's 3 years and only $21k from a very well reputed school.  I know Ed.Ds aren't as well considered as Ph.Ds but I have no need to do original research, and I never want to teach, and I don't want to quit my job to have to go back to school.... Additionally, my workplace should reimburse me about $6k of the program, so all told it will be $15k, or $5k per year. Can't get much better than that, can you?  They're currently accepting applications for the Fall term so I need to get my butt in gear, get rec letters, and get going on this!

Am I nuts to be doing this? After all the complaints I had about school/work balance last time? Eh... probably.  But I think it's a good investment... So many positions I'm looking at currently require terminal degrees (which is ridiculous, because you really don't need more than a bachelor's to be able to DO the work, but whatever)... and if I ever want to make enough money to support me, Jedi, and potentially-mini-Jedi-someday... well, I think I've got to get this degree. I feel like it makes sense to do it now, when I'm 30, and have peak earning years ahead of me, than to have a kid and wait until I'm 40 to get the Ed.D, don't you?

I spend my time second guessing myself, but I do think this is the right course at this time... of course, if I get denied admission, we'll just pretend this blog post never happened, hmm? :- )

Therapy, musings & escape

I should be feeling good. I really should. Jedi is in my life, I have my health, I have family that cares about me, I have more prospects than I've had in awhile...

And yet, I'm in a terrible funk. I'm anxious too and it's causing me lots of stomach ailments. I don't know why I'm so anxious, I just know that breathing enough air into my lungs to get through the day is a herculean effort.

I do see a therapist and she's helped quite a bit over the last three years. I don't think I'd be with Jedi without doing the work I've done with her. She's been on vacation for two weeks and I definitely feel myself fraying at the edges. I suppose I could call and talk to someone else in her office but that seems silly. I'm seeing her on Friday by which point many things may have resolved themselves.

I think part of my difficulty is that it feels like I'm now not only responsible for my life and well being, I'm responsible for Jedi's. I've been helping him apply to a new school and to new jobs-- both of which have been Sisyphean tasks thus far. In the meantime I'm trying to get my own life in order and he requires so much hand holding and direction that I feel like I'm a lifeguard swimming for two.

I knew going into it that this is what I was getting myself into though. Believe me, I know. His other--amazing-- qualities more than make up for this. I'm hoping that he can get into a program at a local college (whose term starts in early Sept) that would be a much better fit than what he has been doing (in my estimation-- but I know him very well.) The program would be a degree in radiology and it would be much more hands-on than what he is doing now. His program now requires a lot of essay writing-- which he despairs at. There may or may not be someone who is dropping out of the Radiology program between now and the start of the term and Jedi may or may not be able to take that spot. I'm really hoping the universe takes pity on him and makes this possible.

In the meantime I'm both hopeful and despairing about my own prospects (complicated, isn't it? Let's just say that I'm waiting to hear back about 3 different things-- Thing # 1 I really want, but am not likely to get. Thing #2 I might want under the right conditions, but it seems growingly unlikely those conditions will be there. Thing #3 I can likely have if I want it... but I totally don't.) I'm thinking in cases 2 & 3 it might be a case of going from the frying pan into the fire. *sigh*

A few weeks ago Jedi very seriously wanted us to pack everything up and leave that very day to go (back) to the midwest. I admit, I was tempted too. However, as we all know-- wherever you go, there you are. I know leaving won't really solve anything-- esp. leaving without having anything else planned-- but it is so tempting at times. And you're always reading those stupid eat, pray, love type memoirs about people who chucked it all and found bliss. Could that possibly be that the people who chucked it all and ended up homeless didn't end up with million dollar book deals? Hmmm...? I want to hear from those people.

In the meantime I'm just plugging away... trying to get up enough energy and courage to get out of bed each day to face the world.

Rethinking

Hmmm... I am now rethinking my potential future career as a counselor after seeing these pay stats.

How stark! eegads! Do I want to shell out $60-70k to make what I'm making now? No thanks...

Am I crazy, or what?

Sooooo.... Remember how excited I was to be DONE with my thesis? And potentially DONE with school FOREVER?!

Well, for a few years I've been toying with the idea of being a therapist. However, in my area there aren't any part-time programs and I am a little too afraid to quit working in order to go and do something like that full time.

I was idly looking online for a program similar to the one a friend of mine is in (only she's in San Francisco and I live on the East coast, so that particular program is out.) Her program is great though in that it meets for 1 weekend a month and the rest is online.

Weeeeelllll ... It turns out that Penn has a similar program! 1 weekend/month + 1 week in the summer!

Now, Penn is about 7 hours from where I'm at-- Not great, but doable if it's one weekend a month, right? There's also a train directly from my town to Philadelphia (though that is a 10 hour trip, somehow, inexplicably...)

The big catch? The program is $67k, by my calculations. EEEGADS, right? (As compared to similar programs nearby which are full time but would only be about $20k.)

*sigh* Right now this is just and idle thought-- I wouldn't even be able to apply until next June anyway, so I have some time to think about it.

The idea of being able to set up a private practice is very appealing, but I don't know if I'd be able to justify the cost. (I'm very wary of loan debt! I've managed to get through school with only putting $5k on a credit card (0% interest, thank you very much).

I even looked into Penn's tuition assistance program for employees (assuming I could get a job there... but who wants to live in Pennsylvania? eww.) but that would only cover 50%. Worth uprooting my life for? Meh. I don't know. I've grown accustomed to my little town and I like it. I wouldn't mind moving, but only if it was to someplace like the Bahamas or Paris or something more exciting than where I'm at now. Philadelphia? Not better than where I am now. (IMHO, YMMV and all that.)

So, do y'all think I should go for it? Or just stick to what I'm doing now and thank my (mostly) debt-free stars?

(PS- I should add that they have a distance learning doctorate program as well which seems pretty sweet-- Same type of set up-- 1 weekend a month, and it's only a 2 year program... But it's only $20k (odd, no? I may be wrong about that-- It may be $40k... hard to tell from their site if that's the cost for the entire program or just 1 year.) That one is appealing too-- Because I would really love Dr. in front of my name!-- But at the same time I feel like the counseling degree would give me more flexibility. I'd love to open up a private practice, but it leaves the door open to continue to work in a college setting. I can't decide which one would be best... Probably the doctorate would be a better return on investment, but I feel like the counseling one might be more satisfying. Choices, choices, choices... and all of this is assuming I get IN, of course.

I'm also a terrible snob (as well you know!)... and the fact that it's Penn makes me feel better about the investment. I don't think I'd be considering it if it was someplace like DeVry or U of Phoenix... )

To Kill a Mockingbird

So... you remember that little discussion/fight Jedi & I had a few weeks back?

Yeah... well... it's still sort of going on. Things are still good between us, don't get me wrong... but this is an issue.

It's now been 3.5 weeks since we had a "come-to-God" kind of talk about Jedi's need to actually START his homework assignments (nevermind FINISH them...) and how this is coming between us. In that time has he actually completed any of his assignments? NO. He's read about 2 chapters of Moby Dick, but that's it.

I'm royally pissed off. He knows I'm royally pissed off. He acts all contrite. And then I feel terrible.

The truth is that Jedi has a very gentle spirit. He is kind, and generous, and completely devoid of malice. When we argue and I make him feel bad, he gives me such a wounded look that I feel like I'm killing a mockingbird.

He needs to be pushed. He won't get anywhere or do anything (school/career wise) if he isn't. But he also doesn't like the hard truth-- which is that he's not failing because he lacks the ability he's failing because he lacks the willpower.

THIS is why we're having a long engagement. Because I need to be with someone who gets going when the going gets tough. I do NOT want to be with someone who just QUITS when the going gets tough.

A big part of the problem is that he has no clue what he wants to do, what he likes to do, what his interests are... etc. Yeah, sure-- he likes me, and he likes video games. Neither of those will make a career.

I've been looking at various programs in our state that seem like they might be good fits for him, but he just lacks any enthusiasm for any of them. I don't know how to help him and the more I nag him about this the more I feel like I'm killing his spirit.

I DON'T want to do that! (Obviously!)

I came across a program in Respiratory Therapy that looks like it might be a good option. Careers in that field make great pay and have really flexible schedules and it's a 2-year program. He actually seems somewhat interested. I'm hooking him up with a friend of a friend who works as a Respiratory Therapist now to discuss what the day-to-day aspects of the job entail. Hopefully that will sell him on this.

One thing about this particular program is that it would mean I'd be supporting him for the next 2 years... (Housing, electricity, etc.) which is basically what I'm doing now, so not that much of a change. But he wouldn't be able to contribute towards rent, and probably just barely make ends meet. The payoff would be worth it though if he loved his job.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed that this will all work out for the best.

I haven't heard back from the scholarship for the Norway/Australia program. IF I don't get that scholarship I don't think I'll go. It just doesn't make financial sense.

I feel like I just have to trust that everything will work out for the best.

Looking for a Sign

I have been very happily agonizing over "What to do!? What to do!?" since receiving my acceptance to the Master's program (described below.)

(Part of this happiness is due, in no small part, to the possibility of saying, "Take this job and..." every time I'm frustrated at work these days. That fantasy keeps me going!)

I still haven't come to any decisions. There's a scholarship I applied for, and if I got it, I would certainly go. I've been speaking with Alumni of the program though and based on their feedback it sounds like the program is a bit of a logistical nightmare (what with being based in two continents at the antipodes) and in particular the Norway component is CRAZY expensive. (One alumnus told me, "Be prepared to pay $7 for a cup of coffee.") That cost, combined with the the apparent disorganization and lack of clear direction (which makes it sound a lot like the program I'm CURRENTLY finishing... Hmmm... perhaps ALL master's programs are like this, and I simply wasn't aware of it!? Thoughts?) are making this seem like a less appealing option.

On the other hand... TRAVEL! Lots of fun travel!!! How exciting would it be!? Perhaps I could make good friends in Australia who would invite me to "summer" with them every year, no? Oh, the possibilities! And I do think (even if the program is terribly disorganized, etc.) it could only help, and not harm, my resume.

But... oh, the cost...!

I've been talking it over with Jedi. He's leaving the decision up to me. There are a lot of logistics where he's concerned though since I'd have to subsidize his life if he continued to live in my condo (which, frankly, would only make sense, since I'd basically have to pay the same amount I'd be subsidizing him in rental fees for a storage unit for my stuff. And he can take care of my dog...) As i said, he's being very supportive... but...

Last night he was talking in his sleep (or he was being very sneaky and PRETENDING to talk in his sleep) and he said, "Please don't leave me." Not clear whether he actually was talking about Norway/Australia... (or, well, even ME to be exact)... but I have a feeling he was. I know that if I did leave though, he would survive (and I actually think it would be good for him as he's not really lived on his own), he would grow stronger, and we would be fine.

If I had the money to spare I would totally do this. If I have to borrow the money? I'm not sure it's worth it.

Today is my birthday. I bought a lottery ticket.

Wish me luck!