To Kill a Mockingbird

So... you remember that little discussion/fight Jedi & I had a few weeks back?

Yeah... well... it's still sort of going on. Things are still good between us, don't get me wrong... but this is an issue.

It's now been 3.5 weeks since we had a "come-to-God" kind of talk about Jedi's need to actually START his homework assignments (nevermind FINISH them...) and how this is coming between us. In that time has he actually completed any of his assignments? NO. He's read about 2 chapters of Moby Dick, but that's it.

I'm royally pissed off. He knows I'm royally pissed off. He acts all contrite. And then I feel terrible.

The truth is that Jedi has a very gentle spirit. He is kind, and generous, and completely devoid of malice. When we argue and I make him feel bad, he gives me such a wounded look that I feel like I'm killing a mockingbird.

He needs to be pushed. He won't get anywhere or do anything (school/career wise) if he isn't. But he also doesn't like the hard truth-- which is that he's not failing because he lacks the ability he's failing because he lacks the willpower.

THIS is why we're having a long engagement. Because I need to be with someone who gets going when the going gets tough. I do NOT want to be with someone who just QUITS when the going gets tough.

A big part of the problem is that he has no clue what he wants to do, what he likes to do, what his interests are... etc. Yeah, sure-- he likes me, and he likes video games. Neither of those will make a career.

I've been looking at various programs in our state that seem like they might be good fits for him, but he just lacks any enthusiasm for any of them. I don't know how to help him and the more I nag him about this the more I feel like I'm killing his spirit.

I DON'T want to do that! (Obviously!)

I came across a program in Respiratory Therapy that looks like it might be a good option. Careers in that field make great pay and have really flexible schedules and it's a 2-year program. He actually seems somewhat interested. I'm hooking him up with a friend of a friend who works as a Respiratory Therapist now to discuss what the day-to-day aspects of the job entail. Hopefully that will sell him on this.

One thing about this particular program is that it would mean I'd be supporting him for the next 2 years... (Housing, electricity, etc.) which is basically what I'm doing now, so not that much of a change. But he wouldn't be able to contribute towards rent, and probably just barely make ends meet. The payoff would be worth it though if he loved his job.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed that this will all work out for the best.

I haven't heard back from the scholarship for the Norway/Australia program. IF I don't get that scholarship I don't think I'll go. It just doesn't make financial sense.

I feel like I just have to trust that everything will work out for the best.