Saturday, July 25, 2009

Glutton for Punishment

Muckraker stopped by yesterday to chat. He was the one who had asked to stop by, but he acted like I had asked him, saying, "What did you want to talk about?"


I was immediately put off.... and he exhibited massively rude behaviour that I know I would never be able to tolerate in someone I was dating. I had to bite my tongue to keep from telling him, "I know why you're single... it may have something to do with your belching..." So grossed out.

Last week we had talked about some writing I had done, which was not coming along well. He had offered his critique-- some points were valid, some points were really because he doesn't appreciate/get the type of writing I do--- which is very woman-centered, and focusing on emotions. Since I have yet to ascertain whether or not he actually has emotions, it's not surprising that he didn't like it.

All the same, I was rather put off when he said to me. "I was disappointed in you. I think you're a much better writer than this, and you're not pushing yourself."

It hurt. Yes, yes it did. Part of it is because I know he's right-- it's not the best writing I've done. The other part is that I know he wouldn't like much of any writing I would do. And the third part is that I know I'm taking the path of least resistance where this project is concerned, but because of work circumstances it's what makes the most sense.

But mostly I was angry. Who the fuck are you, dude, to tell ME that YOU'RE disappointed in ME? WHO are YOU to ME? No one. What gives you the right? Asshole.

On the plus side, this exchange really helped convince me that I need to get back in the dating game more seriously. I don't know why I keep waiting around for various people to grow the fuck up. (Maybe because it's easier than meeting new people?)

I need to find some people who are grown ups already.

Dipping a toe in the pool again

I've had a few interesting guys contact me recently on eharmony recently. Guys who were close by and had good jobs/education (it matters... maybe I'm a classist bitch, but if you're 35 and working as a supermarket checkout clerk? I'm sorry. We are NOT a match.), and their profiles were reasonably well written.

Ok, I thought, I may as well sign up again, right? What do I have to lose? I mean, I met Science Guy on eharmony, and we certainly get along well. The other guys I've met via eharmony have also been good guys even if they weren't right for me.

I almost immediately regretted it again after paying for it-- mostly because it's so expensive, and once I paid for it I could see peoples' pictures. That's not the be all and end all, but it does matter-- and there are some looks I can't get over. Of the 10 or so people who had contacted me there were only 4 that I wanted to contact after seeing their pictures.

Oh well... It will all be worth it if it works, right?

Thursday, July 23, 2009

and the usual shadiness...

Muckraker is back to his usual... "super attentive/I'm going to ignore you now" ways.

Super attentive on Tuesday (and slightly shady... having to leave at 9pm for some mysterious "something else"). Asking if we could get together on Wed...

... Standing me up on Wed... (well, standing me up may be too harsh-- he said "Let me stop by sometime, and then late in the afternoon said he was running behind on stuff, could we meet on Friday." Sure, I said.)

Wed night party... Totally shady... taking a year off to do... "something I can't talk about..." (so he won't be graduating with our class after all.)... Randomly ignoring me.... Overheard him talking to a mutual friend about some girl-- sounded like he was setting up a date with her... (Which, for eff's sake, if he's as shady with potential girlfriends as he is with his "friends"... well, let's just say, "I know why you're single.")

Ugh. Can't stand any of it.

I've promised Npapaya I won't mention him to her anymore. (Which is a good thing, really. Because what is there left to say? It's been like 9 months of the same hot/cold shit.)

But, he is still under my skin.

Perhaps random making out with other people will make me want to stop scratching this particular itch.

I kissed a girl, and I liked it

Yes, I did. (Not that shocking actually, and not the first time.) and I kissed a guy and I liked it better! And then I kissed another girl.

....spin the bottle!....

Am I a little too old for it? Yes... But when you've had a few too many, and you're with your grad school friends in a podunk town, there's not much else to do to pass the time, eh?

Sad part is? It was the most action I've gotten in 8 months. Sadder part? It was BETTER action than I've got 8 months ago.


The thing is that I could actually really go for some random making out. The guy I kissed does NOT do it for me AT ALL, but he was a really surprisingly good kisser. Looks can be deceiving, eh? I did kinda want to keep going at it though.

Sometimes I just want a bit of human connection.

Sometimes I wish I was more of a skank.
(Did I mention I was raised Baptist? Part of the reason I just don't sleep around is that I can't get rid of those last vestiges of guilt. I need to know someone FOREVER in order to feel comfortable.)

I do really just need to get it on with someone.... (Again, tragically, the one I want to get it on with is Muckraker. Though, as I think about it, I don't know that he'd be much good in bed. He is rather boney.) I do think about Science guy... I think science guy would probably be quite good...

... though, I do have a friend who just (FINALLY!) came out of the closet, who is convinced Science Guy is also in the closet.... Would be my pattern.

How to Marry Al Roker

Friday, July 17, 2009

Um, sorry. Not likely!

Ha ha ha!

Sometimes I check the search terms people use to find my blog. Most are pretty ordinary, (For some reason Soulmate seems to come up a lot, though as far as I can tell, I only ever used it in one post. Apparently people want to find out how to meet their soulmates. Shocking, I know. Sorry kids... (If you're reading this because you just googled "How to find you're soulmate," and I'm pretty sure you must have to land on this page... You're shit out of luck. Because I haven't a clue. Do let me know if you figure out the secret though, M'kay? That would be helpful!))

I had to laugh out loud though at the search phrase someone typed in recently though: "If you're single it could be because you're too hot."

Ha ha ha!

No, sweetie. I can GUARANTEE that's not it. Here are some reasons that are MUCH more likely:
  • It might be because you THINK you're too hot.
  • Or maybe because you're conceited and narcissistic.
  • Or because your idea of "hot" is in fact pretty damn fugly (though, I have seen people out there I wouldn't touch with a 10ft pole who are damned happily coupled up.),
  • or maybe it's because you think you're only "deserving" of people who are of equal hotness.
  • Or perhaps because you haven't bothered to develop other personality traits because you're so damned hot.
Any one of these reasons is about 1000% more likely than just being "too hot" to find a date.
Believe me. And if you don't, ask a friend. (A really, really good one. Like, one who will not only tell you you have spinach in your teeth, but who won't feel bad about picking it out of your teeth for you.) If you don't have such a friend, this would also be an indication as to why you are single. Get working on that, will you?


I think... in fact, I'm pretty sure... in fact, I'm nearly certain... that Muckraker is flirting with someone I can't stand just to drive me nuts.

Ok. Maybe he's not doing it just to drive me crazy. But that is the unfortunate side effect.


I can't believe I'm still wasting brain power and energy thinking about him. And yet, I am. Because I see him at least 6 hours a week.

And sometimes he's super flirty. And sometimes he gives me great conversation. And sometimes he asks me to get together. And sometimes he looks at me like I'm the only person in the world.

And other times he's a total fuckwit who flirts with a whory coke-head (who has more ex-husbands than common sense) in the midst of my class project presentation, and my mind wanders, and I babble incoherently in front of the professor and 100 other students, because I'm too busy paying attention to the cozy little flirty drama happening in the third row to put my mind to anything useful.

... Um. Hypothetically speaking. Not that anything of the sort happened... MmmHmmm... All hypothetical...

A total bust!

Ugh. Bad blind (or, not-so-blind) date!

(If you'll recall, Npapaya set me up on this. I'm really starting to question her otherwise infallible wisdom as this is the second terrible blind date she's set me up on.)

So-- What was wrong with this guy?

  • WAY too short for me. (When I'd originally met him, he was sitting down. MISTAKE!) He was a good 6 inches or so shorter than I am. And I am not a super tall woman. (5'8)
  • WAY too old for me. (Now, I know this seems odd, given that I like Muckraker and all that, and Muckraker is only about 3-5 years younger than this guy... but this guy just SEEMED SO MUCH OLDER! (Maybe this is also because Muckraker is so immature... hmmm.)
  • I felt like I was having a conversation with one of my grandparents' friends... just, completely cross-generational. I would mention something from pop culture, and he would just stare at me blankly.
  • No conversation. I felt like I did a good job of carrying the conversation... He put in an effort (for him) I think... but there were a lot of.... "yup." "MmmHmm" kind of responses, that make it difficult to carry on a conversation.
  • Lack of ambition. He's in the same job he's been in for the last 10 years. And, he seems perfectly happy to plod along in it for the next 10 years. That would be perfect for some girl, I'm sure. That girl is NOT me. (Again, this is also what I like about Muckraker-- his rather risky and adventurous career choices. *sigh*)
  • THE CHECK. Ok. I admit, I wouldn't have gone out with him even if he HAD picked up the check... But he didn't pick up the check. Even with all the purse fiddling I did. And... well, for all my feminist ways, I'm TOTALLY old-fashioned when it comes to this. I'm not a "gold-digger" by any means. I completely expect to support myself. When in a relationship I try to split the costs for things regularly (Not necessarily 50/50... but more along the lines of-- "Oh, you got the check last time, let me get it this time.") Science Guy and I do this all the time. (In fact, I have to give Science Guy a 100% satisfaction score on this point. He's very good at offering, even when I insist on paying. When I do insist on paying, he makes a point to grab the check at the next thing we do.)

I was talking to my therapist about the check-paying thing actually. She says that the men she talks to feel like they're in a terrible bind, that they're worried about offending women if they offer to pay... (Show me one woman who has ever been offended by an "OFFER*!?!)... I call Bull SHIT on that one.

Now, I can understand if that offer comes with strings attached-- even only implied, about what someone is "paying" for with that dinner. SKEEVY. I would be offended too.

But, a good date should be like going out with a good friend, I think. It shouldn't be a high-pressure thing. When I go out with Npapaya, sometimes I'll get the check, sometimes she does, sometimes we'll split it.

The one difference however? On a "first" date? The guy should really get the check. I'm sorry, that's just the way I feel about it. Most women I've talked to feel the same way.

If a guy DOESN'T get the check? That is my #1 signal that he is not interested in me. If he asks me out again, after not having gotten the check? Not only does that confuse me, but it also gives me a bad foreshadowing of any relationship... Just that he doesn't find me worthy of much consideration. Imagine what a 10th anniversary would be like with a guy like that? NO THANK YOU. Either way, no second date. Maybe that makes me a bitch... maybe.

So... long story short, I couldn't wait to get out of there with that guy. Glad that date is over with!

Sunday, July 12, 2009

In which my issues come up

My major issue is my weight. My weight and the insecurities it causes. (Or, rather, more likely, my insecurities cause my weight issues, and it makes me even more insecure. I've had eating issues my entire life, and for a short time I stopped eating much of anything at all for about 6 months. The weight went away, but the insecurities didn't really. I mean, the insecurities to do with my weight went away, but new insecurities about my appearance manifested themselves. So, I know it's not really about my weight... but I'm not happy with the way I look, let's just put it that way.)

I'm especially not happy at the moment because about 2 years ago I had dropped 30 pounds from my all-time high weight (I still would have needed to drop another 50 to be in the "normal" range.)... but my job has been STRESSING me out. And I eat when I'm stressed. And so about 20lbs have come back on. *sigh*... I'm working on this. I've resolved to get back to the gym in a meaningful way, but it's hard to find the time in between school and work and trying to have a social life.

But, this post isn't really about that, it's really more about how these issues manifest themselves in my dating life.

I like online dating. I like it because I can basically "shop" for exactly what I want. The pictures I have on my profile are flattering. None of the pictures are lies, they're all up-to-date, and I have a couple full-body shots on there. I don't want to "surprise" anyone with what I look like. (I always feel like I have to make apologies for what I look like though.) Even though I'm not lying or hiding anything, I do feel like I look bigger in person... once you can see me in motion, you can kind of get the full view of me and my full girth which isn't quite evident in the pictures, I think.

Telling myself this allows me to rationalize rejection. If I don't get a repeat date I can always tell myself that it had to do with my size rather than my personality or some other immutable characteristic. And after all, aren't I glad to be rid of someone who would reject me because of my appearance? I wouldn't want to be with someone like that, so good riddance... and there. Poof. It's less him rejecting me, and more like I'm rejecting him. And that doesn't hurt so much, does it?

As I mentioned in the post below, I met Shyguy at a party, and then Npapaya set me up with him. She did it rather more quickly than I expected-- I mean, I told her "yes," she could contact him... but somehow I didn't think he'd say yes.

Because he's met me.

Because he's seen me.

And he still wants to go out with me?

This does not compute.

Does he perhaps think I'm someone else?

He's older, so perhaps my relative youth (28) makes up for the rest of me, in the way these calculations of desirability go... (Graduate degree, +10, Living with parents, -20, named George Clooney, +100... etc.)

(My therapist thinks I have an amazingly creative ability to rationalize away anyone's attraction to me. One of the MAJOR issues with this is that someone's attraction to me seems so incomprehensible that it becomes a REASON to discount/dump them. Because that guy is OBVIOUSLY not right in the head, or has some ulterior motive, or... well... something.)

So. Well, I know this is one of the reasons I'm single. I'm working on it. It's a process....

Ooops! Let's play catch-up.

I realize it's been a long time since I posted. Time has been getting away from me since I started classes and since I've been trying to wrap up some work as I'm transitioning to my new position.

So.... with that in mind, let's play some catch up!

Science Guy:
Remember how in that last post I mentioned that Science Guy was growing on me? ...Sigh... Seems like we take two steps forward and then one step back. We went out about a week ago, and things were going well until I brought up the whole "Girls Gone Wild" episode (I know, I know, I couldn't leave well enough alone.) It still bothers me that he thinks I'm over reacting, whereas I just think it's totally douchey. I know on some level he's just immature, and I know that I can't expect him to agree with everything I believe in, but to me this is rather important. I'm not even anti-porn, I just think Girls Gone Wild in particular is so disrespectful to women. (And now that I've mentioned "Girls Gone Wild" two three times in this post, I'm sure to have many new readers finding their way here!) I'm just not sure where that leaves us. Add to that the fact that he seems perpetually stuck in this place of expressing interest, but then backing away when I reciprocate, and I just don't know where to go from there.

Speaking of immature.... ! Muckraker is WAY too old to be acting like a second grader. (I've spoken to a couple of my guy friends about him, and they were both saying "Oh, yeah. He's interested. That's how guys show their interested." Which, to me, just proves how weird, and how perhaps I'm not equipped to deal with men.) He passes me notes in class, and 'playfully' hits me... (DUDE! You're FORTY FUCKING YEARS OLD!)... And he's incredibly annoying....

And yet-- let's face it-- there's a part of me that gets off on the attention, the drama of the 'hot and cold' attention, he gives me, or I would just tell him to fuck off.

But there's another part too....
We had dinner with a couple of our mutual friends the other night. It was an impromptu thing, and I didn't really invite him to join us, a couple of the friends I invited to dinner did, (because they're both trying to play matchmakers...) Every once in awhile I would turn towards him and I would catch him staring at me. And he gets this expression on his face, this expression that somehow says, "You are the most beautiful, interesting, amazing person I've ever met." Maybe I'm projecting... maybe it's wishful thinking... but that's how I read it. And that expression stops me in my tracks and makes me forget all his douchiness. And that's what I really get off on. (Hell, I totally know I could be wrong. For all I really know, that expression actually means, "I'm constipated.")

New Guy... Let's call him ShyGuy...
I've been set up on a sort-of-blind date for this coming week. Npapaya's friend has been trying to set me up with ShyGuy for almost a year now. I'm pretty open to being set up, but this person is a (distant) colleague, and he's quite a bit older (Somewhere between 40-45... which, I know though Muckraker is 40, he seems younger somehow-- perhaps because I met him in my classes, I first met him when he was 39--which psychologically puts him in a different place, and...he's so fucking immature.) I had seen him from afar before-- he's not bad looking, though rather short, but he's also not someone who would make me turn around and take a second glance. Mostly because he seems very much like someone who would have three kids, and be settled down...

All that to say that I wasn't too keen on being set up-- not for any particular reason, but rather because there didn't seem to be a compelling reason to go out with him. Didn't seem like there'd be much in common.

Npapaya invited me to a July 4th party and ShyGuy was there. I didn't realize it was him since I'd not really seen him up close before (and frankly, I don't know that I'd be able to describe him now... like I said, not unattractive, but just nothing distinguishing, I think.) We talked a little bit...and the conversation was a little bit of a disaster. I believe I said something along these lines.

(About the brownie's he'd made.) Me: These are really good brownies.
Him: Oh, I'd be happy to give you the recipe. (In hindsight, this would have given him a good excuse to contact me. If I'd been thinking clearly, I would have realized this.)
Me: Oh. No thanks. I don't cook. I mean, I would... If I had anyone to cook for. But I don't. Because I'm single. But I'm a good cook. If I did cook. But I don't. Because I'm single. I mean, I don't mind being single, but I'd probably cook more. If I wasn't. You know. Single. Did I mention I'm single?

Doh. Now, normally such verbal diarrhea would indicate nervousness because I really liked this person, but in this case it was only because I was trying to keep the conversation going. I didn't really feel like we had much to talk about.

Npapaya and her friend were very excited the next day, saying, "It couldn't have better planned! What did you think of him!?" etc. I mentioned it was fine, but nothing exciting.

Npapaya asked me if I would want to go out with him? Did she want me to set something up. Again, no real compelling reason to go or not to go... I said ok. And, well, she did. And so we're going out sometime this week.

The reason I said yes is really because Npapaya and her friend have been really talking him up. "He's the nicest guy! Really sweet! Quiet and Shy. You just need to get to know him!" Ok. What's there to lose? Worst case scenario I'll have gotten to better know a colleague, right?