Sunday, July 12, 2009

In which my issues come up

My major issue is my weight. My weight and the insecurities it causes. (Or, rather, more likely, my insecurities cause my weight issues, and it makes me even more insecure. I've had eating issues my entire life, and for a short time I stopped eating much of anything at all for about 6 months. The weight went away, but the insecurities didn't really. I mean, the insecurities to do with my weight went away, but new insecurities about my appearance manifested themselves. So, I know it's not really about my weight... but I'm not happy with the way I look, let's just put it that way.)

I'm especially not happy at the moment because about 2 years ago I had dropped 30 pounds from my all-time high weight (I still would have needed to drop another 50 to be in the "normal" range.)... but my job has been STRESSING me out. And I eat when I'm stressed. And so about 20lbs have come back on. *sigh*... I'm working on this. I've resolved to get back to the gym in a meaningful way, but it's hard to find the time in between school and work and trying to have a social life.

But, this post isn't really about that, it's really more about how these issues manifest themselves in my dating life.

I like online dating. I like it because I can basically "shop" for exactly what I want. The pictures I have on my profile are flattering. None of the pictures are lies, they're all up-to-date, and I have a couple full-body shots on there. I don't want to "surprise" anyone with what I look like. (I always feel like I have to make apologies for what I look like though.) Even though I'm not lying or hiding anything, I do feel like I look bigger in person... once you can see me in motion, you can kind of get the full view of me and my full girth which isn't quite evident in the pictures, I think.

Telling myself this allows me to rationalize rejection. If I don't get a repeat date I can always tell myself that it had to do with my size rather than my personality or some other immutable characteristic. And after all, aren't I glad to be rid of someone who would reject me because of my appearance? I wouldn't want to be with someone like that, so good riddance... and there. Poof. It's less him rejecting me, and more like I'm rejecting him. And that doesn't hurt so much, does it?

As I mentioned in the post below, I met Shyguy at a party, and then Npapaya set me up with him. She did it rather more quickly than I expected-- I mean, I told her "yes," she could contact him... but somehow I didn't think he'd say yes.

Because he's met me.

Because he's seen me.

And he still wants to go out with me?

This does not compute.

Does he perhaps think I'm someone else?

He's older, so perhaps my relative youth (28) makes up for the rest of me, in the way these calculations of desirability go... (Graduate degree, +10, Living with parents, -20, named George Clooney, +100... etc.)

(My therapist thinks I have an amazingly creative ability to rationalize away anyone's attraction to me. One of the MAJOR issues with this is that someone's attraction to me seems so incomprehensible that it becomes a REASON to discount/dump them. Because that guy is OBVIOUSLY not right in the head, or has some ulterior motive, or... well... something.)

So. Well, I know this is one of the reasons I'm single. I'm working on it. It's a process....


Perpetua said...

Okay, this is your blog, not mine, so I'll try to keep this short. :)

I guess the best I can say is that as an overweight former Match user I can commiserate. But: by posting full body photos, you are already ahead of the game. The guys who would reject you based on weight are generally the type who think 130 lbs. is fat, and no matter what you think about your "fat-in-motion" (oh, god, I SO feel you here!), they would reject you based on those photos. And you really don't want those guys.

I'm going to stop myself here, because really, on the subject of weight and online dating I could go on, and on, and on...but my point is, I don't know you, but it sounds like you are cute. If you can rock a nice dress, maybe throw in some cleavage (!), most dudes will dig you, and they aren't crazy for doing so.

Hypatia said...

Thanks, Perpetua. You're right. I wouldn't want those guys anyway... and I really need to get over this.

I am not good at hiding my insecurities with my girlfriends, but I DO try REALLY, REALLY hard to hide it with the guys I go out with. Because I know nothing is LESS attractive than a woman who is constantly complaining about how unattractive she is!