Sunday, December 28, 2008

The Sweater

Because I know YOU'VE done it too.... :-p

Warning, TMI ahead.

Npapaya may want to skip this one--- Just a heads up... :-)

It's been now about 3 weeks with no communication from Muckraker. I didn't expect any, but it would have been nice. So, I'm doing what my friends have suggested, and what I know I should be doing... moving along to other prospects.

And the other prospects are great, they really are. I'm actually fairly lucky at the moment to have so many.

But. But. But. The only one I actually want is Muckraker.

The other prospects are cute, and funny, and attractive, and I think that the chemistry could be there.

But. I want Muckraker. Like, an aching, physical want. Like getting all hot-and-bothered just thinking of him type of want.

I have to say this is pretty rare for me, and I think it's definitely contributed to the reason I'm so hung up on him. I feel like I'm in high school again, and all I want to do is be alone with him in the backseat of a car and hope my mom doesn't find out, kind of feeling.

As much as my head tells me to let go and move on to guys who have no problems saying things like, "I wanted to hear the sound of your voice before I fell asleep," I can't. Why? Because the physical pull-- even after 3 weeks of nothingness-- is too strong, and it's driving me C-R-A-Z-Y! As strong as this feels you'd think that Muckraker and I would have kissed or made out, or even held hands, or something... right? And yet, no.

And so do I need Npapaya and Ro, and Kay and others telling me how fucked up in the head I am right now? No, because believe me, I'm telling myself the same thing. Unfortunately my head and the rest of my body seem not to be communicating.

Part of me thinks I should just let it go, enjoy the ride as this type of chemistry happens so rarely for me-- (Mind you, yes, I realize that at the moment I don't know if this is more than one-sided.) I've thought about starting something casual with Muckraker, getting this out of my system... this seems like a good idea for the first 10 seconds I think about it.

Npapaya pointed out that if I were contemplating a casual relationship with Atlas she would have been all for it, as there wasn't any chance I would fall for him and get hopelessly entangled emotionally. With Muckraker? It doesn't take to much effort to imagine the aftermath of a no-strings-attached kind of thing. I recognize it would not be pretty as I certainly don't feel casually about him. And unfortunately, I have to admit that it looks like he feels pretty casually about me, if in fact he feels anything at all.

So, I'm going around and around in circles and getting very, very dizzy, but not coming to much of a solution. Yes, I'm going out with the other guys, and my head knows this is the best thing to do... But does anyone have any suggestions as to how to make the rest of me behave as well?


Saturday, December 27, 2008

Even on a slow day I can have a three way... that is.

It's about 3:30am and I just got off the phone with Science guy. How did this happen, you might be asking yourself? I'm kind of wondering myself....

This was an interesting evening, especially as I have spent the past few days having a pity party (It's Christmas. Family will do that to you.) and I've been grody, greasy, and pigging out to fill the deep empty emotional hole inside me... (Ha. Ha. Yes, that last bit was mostly a joke. Really. I'm ok.)
So, all this to say that I wasn't feeling too hot about myself and generally feeling like I may as well call it quits where dating is concerned and perhaps there's a nice cave somewhere in France where I can go and live out the rest of my life. Ha. Ha. Ha. (No, not actually laughing this time.)

So I was on facebook, (yes, all my friends are very shocked, I know,) and Science guy messages me using the chat feature.

In short succession someone else messages me.... We'll call him Griffith. (Why? After Andy Griffith, that most famous of single dads... Again, Why? Because this guy has baggage---in form of a kid.)

A little background on Griffith-- He's cute, very Irish looking, a bit on the short side for what I usually go for, but he always has a grin and a gleam in his eye that seems to say to me "I"m thinking what you're thinking." And how do I know this? Because I sat across the table from him in our crappy, crappy grad course last term, which is where I met him. He's smart, he's funny, he's irreverent, and he seems like an all-around really decent guy.... and oh... did I mention, he has a kid??? Yeah, I'm a little hung up on that mostly because, ya know, I certainly don't need any baby mama drama... but I think there's an interesting story there. This guy has primary custody of his son (age 7), which is practically unheard of. The kid's mom is in WV, and so Griffith is going to school full time and raising his son on his own.

I find this to be... interesting... Don't know quite what to make of it.

So while I had good interactions with him, and I even mentioned to one of my friends that that I was kind of interested, I didn't plan on pursuing anything.

Griffith and I were chatting online, and though we've emailed and talked a few times I didn't really get a vibe that he was "into" me. As we were chatting though I started to think that-- ok, maybe he is. It turns out he's out of town for the remainder of the break, but he asked if I'd like to get together when he's back in town.

{Grin} Why yes, yes I would like to do that.

We chatted a bit more (all the while I'm carrying on a parallel conversation with Science guy, which was confusing... kept thinking I would write to the wrong one by accident), and dare I say it--flirted (???) a bit more too.

Feeling kinda good about that one.... Moving on to Science Guy.

I don't know how we got on the topic of our last date-- remember that? But do you recall how I felt he wasn't really into me because he didn't ask me to stick around for coffee or... well... anything after that movie? Well, it turns out he felt I was giving him the brush off because I had mentioned vague plans for later that day. And when he had mentioned plans to go shopping (which I read as--Brush off!), he had actually been inviting me to go with him.

Huh. Who knew. Guys are weird. (heh. He was all like- Chicks are weird. (and yes, I disapprove of the "chicks" label. We may have to work on this.))

So he starts writing to me and saying "I find you very cute, and very sexy, and very cute."

And I'm all--- um. ok. What do I say to that? His response-- "You have trouble accepting compliments, don't you?"

Why yes, yes I do. Thank you for noticing. * (Side note: I have trouble accepting compliments because, frankly, I always feel that people are lying to me. I have issues, I know, but that's one hurdle I just can't seem to cross... and so the more I'm complimented, the more I feel someone is lying to me, and the more I distrust them and start to disengage from them. Did I also happen to mention that-- "Yes, I know why I'm single.")

He also asked me, "When can I call you?" I replied, "I'm really not much of a phone person."

We ended our chat around 1 am as he was leaving early for a trip the next day (well, today!).

15 minutes later I get a text from him. I answer. He texts back. I answer... and he calls me.

"I just wanted to hear the sound of your voice before I fall asleep." he says to me.

We get to talking (of course we do!) and every time I start to say--" really, we should hang up now," he says, "No, please don't go yet!"

And so we talk and talk about all sorts of things that I've been thinking and mentioned on this blog, and he tells me about his past relationships, and how he was nearly engaged (Side note: Seriously! Why do I seem to be getting all of these people with relationship baggage! Is this just because I'm skewing old these days? Sheesh!), and what he's looking for.

We also had an interesting conversation and candid conversation about the fact that we're also looking at other dating possibilities online and elsewhere. Both very grown-up about it I think, and both agreeing that even if nothing were to work out between us we'd be able to remain friends.

He also discussed the fact that he finds dating difficult up here (being in the middle of nowhere!) and being Indian, and how women tend to dismiss him or have preconceived notions about him because he's Indian. He talked about how though some of his friends, and even his brother, looked to their parents for arranged marriages with traditional Indian girls, that he prefers more independent American girls. (Which, frankly, all well and good-- because traditional is sooooo not me!)

I pointed out that was the reason I had given him access to my facebook page-- because not much says "Militant feminist" the way my facebook page does. And really, isn't it better to know what you're getting ahead of time?

And he said yes, he got that from my page. He also added that there were some things we differed on. (Of course I jumped right on it and said... LIKE WHAT?)

He answered, that while I'm very sure of my beliefs, and very passionate about them, he doesn't get too worked up about anything. I pressed him on GLBT rights-- (Since that's one of my deal-breaker issues,)--and he said frankly he didn't care one way or another about them, and he thought there were much more important things people should be focused on-- like, say, the WAR--and why was every politician focused on gay rights at this point in time. We talked about it a bit, and I made it clear that it's one of my non-negotiables, but given how conservative India is when it comes to GLBT issues I almost feel that his "Don't care" stance, is practically equivalent to draping himself in a rainbow flag and leading the parade. (Don't try to dissuade me! My mind is made up! Heh.)

He also said he recognized the day that he met me that I have a "My way or the Highway" stance on life, (Which he thinks I should reexamine, but I feel he needs to get on board or get off the damn highway already, because he's blocking my path. Heh. Ok, Ok, Npapaya and Ro and others *might* have mentioned the same thing to me... )

Frankly, that he knows all this and *still* wants to get together is a pretty good sign, right?

We finally got off the phone at 3:30am.

Interesting night.

And oh, did I mention I have two more promising leads online?

Merry Christmas to me!

Monday, December 22, 2008

Not all in my head!

I think I'm in a good place right now. I'm enjoying having a crush without obsessing over it the way I did a few weeks ago.

I had lunch with my friend Nell today. She is also friends with Muckraker (She didn't know about my crush... during most of our conversation over lunch...), and she had some interesting perspectives on him. In part she agreed with NPapaya, and in part she agreed with me (who has rose colored glasses on.)

Nell pointed out Muckraker's mature/yet immature dual nature. He seems to want to relive his lost, non-misspent, youth. (Apparently he was a nerd-- which, frankly he kinda still is.... ) So he's hanging out in frat basements... which-- um EW! And hanging with a fratty, douchey crowd.

But both she and I have trouble reconciling that with the guy who I have really intense conversations with... And she's had great conversations (Though, non-flirty ones) with him too, and she finds him to be brilliant. She also pointed out that she feels like he has some sort of trauma in his past that is keeping him from moving forward-- (Some of his issues I know about already having read some of his works.)

Funnily enough she was also like-- "Wait, you mean you guys *aren't* dating? Everyone in our group (of mutual master's program friends) assumed you were already dating!"

And I was like-- Uh, no! "He hasn't contacted me or asked me out or anything!" and she was responded, "What the hell is his problem? Because it certainly seemed like you were already a couple the last few times I saw you!"

To which I was like-- "Uh, THANK YOU! Exactly! WTF is wrong with him?"

And she was like--- "It's mature immaturity..." And she was said, "I really like him, I think he's a great guy, and you should give him a chance-- you should definitely date him-- but yeah, he does have an immature streak, so don't wait around for him either."

And I'm totally not waiting around-- I've been out with Science guy, and there are a couple other irons in the fire online.

So, that's where things stand now. But it made me feel good to know I hadn't imagined his interest! I mean, she said even one of Muckraker's (pretty close) guy friends thought Muckraker and I were dating... so, there you go! Not all in my head!

Now all the idiot needs to do is actually ASK me out!!! Or be in some kind of contact!

Men! Are they all this idiotic?

Sunday, December 21, 2008

I don't care HOW "open" your relationship is...

... Just, NO!

Subject line: Howdy!

Hi. I am married and in an open relationship. My wife and I love each other and are devoted to one another and to our family. We are best friends: more like bro and sis then lovers. We have set each other free to date other people. My wife is currently involved with another guy. She is happy, and so am I.

Um... No. Just. No. In fact, I think there are websites specifically set up for people into swinging. Maybe you should check one of THOSE out.

Saturday, December 20, 2008

Yes. This. Exactly.

From Sex, Lies & Dating in the City

She said it much better than I could, so I'll just quote her below in the part that particularly resonated... But go read the whole thing...

* * *

A few years ago I cut a certain friend out of my life. There were a lot of reasons for it. But the moment I knew I had to do it was when I was trying to explain to her that I was upset with her complete and utter lack of support for me, when I needed it, and her response was, "But you're so strong. You don't need anyone."

There are people who see me that way. Men who look at me that way. Who look at me and assume that I am invulnerable. That all I need out of a relationship is some interesting dinner conversation and hot sex (yeah, those things are good, too).

The man I am looking for, the one who will be my appropriate and ideal partner (ideal is such a hot button word, but I'm going to go with it here) will see me and understand that what I need almost more than anything is someone I can be vulnerable with. Someone who will let me be weak around them. Someone who will understand that all of that strength is exhausting and takes its toll, year after year and that one of the greatest gifts that he can give me is the ability to just let him be strong for me, sometimes, so that I don't have to hold the weight of the world on my shoulders every second of every day.

And how does a guy do that? Not by being arrogant or displaying his innate, superior value. One minute of that crap and I'll laugh in his face. On my more charitable days I say that everyone on the planet is of equal value (on other days I mutter about how most people are worthless pieces of shit). No, it's something I can't really articulate well. But there are men who understand how to be strong and confident without being arrogant. Who can lead without being pushy. Who can take control of situations without being a bully.

Mistakes Were Made

Science guy knows about the blog. Well. Not THIS blog, but he knows there is A blog.

It kinda came out by accident...He asked me, oh so casually why I was on {random dating site, not the one we met on}. Like a deer in the headlights I blurted out the most innocuous answer I could think of... "It's for my blog."


Nevermind that him seeing me on that dating site meant HE was on that dating site too.... (Yes, I did ask him that when I came to my senses... His response? "Um, I'm looking for friendship." Uh, huh. I think my response was better.)*

*(Side note: Yes I know that I'm looking elsewhere, and yes I have been assuming that he is too, however I do feel like it's bad form to actually SAY so, you know what I mean? Let's keep up the illusion at least that you like me so much that you simply can't imagine looking elsewhere. I mean, hell-- I feel like I'm polite enough to be doing that! Am I wrong? Would it be better on a guy's ego to say-- "You know what Science guy? I like you. I think you're cute, and smart, and funny (even if there are some red flags). But you know who I like better than you? Muckraker. (Or even Atlas for a time.), So, I'll keep seeing you, because I don't know where things are going with those other guys, but in the meantime I'll bring them up ever so casually in conversation, just to keep you off-balance and guessing." I mean, seriously-- Is that just me? Or is that rude?)

Anyhoo-- to give him fair shakes, Science Guy was a little annoyed at being the subject of a blog. To which I told him, "Look, I haven't said anything bad about you. I've been pretty complimentary. I'll continue to be so unless you turn into an asshole, in which case you'll have no one to blame but yourself." Am I right? Or am I right?

So, we made plans to get together tomorrow, and then realized the timing wouldn't work around my other plans. So made plans tentatively for Tuesday... but then realized that might not work because of his work schedule... then made plans kinda for Friday, but couldn't agree on what to do... So where does that leave us? At the moment, Plan-less.

He did ask if I wanted to get together for Christmas. I felt kind of guilty-- I mean, yes, I'm complaining about hanging out with my family for Christmas, but at the same time it's kind of obligatory.

He doesn't celebrate Christmas, but he also has no family and no friends in the area yet, so I felt kind of bad. I suppose I could have invited him to be with my family but that would just have been all kinds of awkward.

So, where does that leave things? Not sure.... Super helpful, I know.

I don't know-- Do people think there are ethical issues involved about writing about people who don't know they're being written about? Maybe-- Though I do take pains to hide their identities, and I think that most of them wouldn't recognize themselves on here unless they were explicitly told they were being written about.

I think about people potentially writing about me. (Well, I don't think I'm nearly interesting enough, but it's possible I suppose.) I think that as long as it was anonymous, and I remained oblivious I'd be ok with it. However, I will acknowledge I did not do a good job of keeping Science Guy oblivious-- My bad!

I also gave Science Guy my real phone number (as opposed to work extension.) This may also have been a mistake. I don't think he is/will turn into a crazy ass stalker, but when I gave him my number he said, "I've given all the girls in NH my real number! That's not fair."

Anyone else catch the red flag there? "All the girls"? Come on, dude! You're ruining the illusion! I'm supposed to be the only one you want! (At the very least the only one you want when you're talking to ME!)

Sheesh! Do I have to teach you everything!?!?

Yes? No? Maybe?

Science guy asked me out again today... (in the most lukewarm way possible...)

Not really sure what's up with that since he didn't seem really inclined to hang out after our last date. (We met for a movie... and NOTHING else, not even coffee or anything to discuss the movie, even though I hinted at it. And since we didn't do anything but see the movie, I couldn't have done anything that would have turned him off. I didn't stink. I promise. :- p )

And he waited a week to ask me. And he asked me to do something this afternoon.... via email... and I had plans. (Well, plans to stay in my pjs anyway.)

I don't know. I'll probably tell him we can get together sometime over winter break. Yes, I'm still so mooney-eyed over Muckraker that there's not really anyone else I want to give a chance to, but since this guy seems rather lukewarm about me too-- who knows, it might be the start of something beautiful.


Raise your hand if you don't know why THIS guy is single!!!

BWahahahahahaha! Omigawed! I'm laughing so hard... PHew! Hahahaha!

Got the most (inadvertently) hilarious email today. This guy seems to think he's God's Gift to women.

I think I know why he's single. Can YOU spot why he's single???


{wiping tears of laughter away}


Headline: I am Exceptional, Decisive, and Sophisticated

Maybe we should think about getting together and doing something sometime. Even if it was just short-term dating.

(Wow! Thanks for that offer! That's swell of you! Letting me know ahead of time that you want me for short-term dating. SWEET! I'll totally rush to take you up on that.)

And there's more! (Why wouldn't there be!??!)

I made a decision that I'm only going to let one girl as anything more than a friend into my life at a time. This happened after meeting someone super duper special and deciding that I needed to slow down tremendously.

I've met a lot of girls lately. For awhile, it was just about falling for whoever had their arms open and wanted me. The truth is that now, particularly with who I've evolved into, I've realized that I'm a lot better than that.

So what you, as a viewer need to know is that I am not seeing anyone right now as anything more than a friend and that if you would like to include yourself in that group of friends who might become something more, that would be nice.

I'll talk to you because I don't discriminate until I get to know a person.
You'll find that I am everything I say I am (honest, sophisticated, exciting, romantic, funny, confident and exceptional in many ways) .

Maybe we'll instant message or exchange emails for a little bit before I ask to talk on the phone.
Maybe we'll talk on the phone or text each other before I ask to see you.
Maybe we'll meet up and I'll have a great time before we go on a date.
Maybe we'll go on a date or two before the emotion starts to overtake at which point I'll either tell you that I want to just stay friends or ask whether you want to be the girl in my life.
And if you're lucky, you'll have a choice to make.
And if you're special, you'll make me happy.

Hmmmm... Doesn't this guy remind you of Dimitri?

Yeah, there's TOTALLY nothing wrong with this guy.... Bwhahaha!

Personals: ur doin it rite...

A pretty good one today... Made me smile, profile was cute, and so was this email...

I read your profile and it was pretty funny. I loved the pics too (that's my way of saying you're cute). Do you need a snow shoveler too? How about a bug squisher and a jar opener?

I think this one gets an answer. We shall see...

Well, with all that to recommend you,

.. How could I say "No"?

hi how are you i am 37 i have afull time job and own my own car and home

Haven't we all been here?

No, I'm not really feeling that pathetic about Muckraker... but I was reminded of this song today while watching Moonstruck, and I realized I need to find my old Vicki Carr cd... Love her!

And this song? This feeling? Isn't it universal...? Come on, admit it.. .you've been there too...

The perfect afternoon with the perfect man...

Is there anything better than laying around on a snowy day in bed with the perfect man? He's handsome, sensitive, charming, romantic, sincere, funny, gentle (yet ruggedly strong), attentive... oh, I could go on and on.

Ok, yes. He's only to be found within the pages of my trashy book, but sometimes that's all you need. (That, and those other amazing men-- Ben & Jerry... Mmmm Baby. You know just how I like it.)

Yes, I'm a smart bitch who loves trashy books. Never read a trashy romance? Think they're ridiculous? Yeah, 3/4 of them are... But drop me a note, and I'll point you to some good ones if you need help picking something out.

In the meantime, I've got to get back to Anatole and his haunted castle, and his fated virgin bride that he married by proxy... (Thanks Beth for that one~). Oooo, baby....

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

This is why you're single

So, evidently there's a tv show I was unaware of on TLC called This is why you're single.

As I haven't heard of it, I suspect that it's not super awesome. However, I do have DVR so I'll record a couple episodes and let you know.

Head meet Desk

Muckraker? Is that you?

Do I recognized my pathetic self in this article? Oh, yes... Yes I do...

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Yes, this was my ACTUAL result...

A little uncanny...????!!!

Quiz by

Quiz brought to you by Online Dating

Because I'm obviously smitten with your conversational skills

Yes, this was the entire message:


New York
age 18:
please respond with answer.

Oooo, yeah baby. Sweet talk me!

In addition? 18 years old?!?! Ummm... no.

Monday, December 15, 2008

Should I be a 5th grade girl?

I got a note from our department administrator letting me know that I got a much-coveted spot in an Environmental Studies class. There is a line out the wazoo to get into this class because it fulfills a very specific requirement that is needed in order to graduate.

Given the demand for the course I had planned on taking a different course-- one I'm actually very excited about as it's on feminism and gender history in the 1950s. the Environment? meh. I just need the credit for the requirement.

However, many of my lovely friends are taking the class, so I thought it wouldn't be bad to take, so I put myself on the waiting list.

Then the term schedule came out.

The Environmental studies class is Monday, Wednesday and Friday from 10-12noon. In addition, it requires an extra term paper from the 1950s course. The 1950s course is only on Thursdays from 10-1:30. (Pretty nice, right?)

So, I wasn't bummed about not getting into the Environmental course, other than having to wait until the summer to fulfill this stupid requirement (But that won't keep me from graduating on time or anything, it's just a pain because I don't know what will be offered in the summer yet to fulfill this requirement.)

So why am I now considering taking this course?

Award yourself 10 points if you said "Because Muckraker is taking it."

*Sigh* (I am so pathetic. I totally recognize that. Never mind that he's not been in touch with me at all since last Monday!!! (WTF! Seriously!))

Ok, so I don't have to make a decision until the 1st week of classes, at which point I have to drop one, so I've got awhile to stew on this. I could potentially take the 1950s course as an independent study. However, if I take the Environmental course I don't have to declare a "major" until the summer (as opposed to taking the 1950s course, which would mean I have to declare now... it's weird and complicated, I know. And STOOOPID.)

But yes, really the 1950s course is just slightly tipping the balance... until you add in the (torturous????) prospect of seeing Muckraker 3 times/week for 2 hours, in which case the Environmental course makes me feel all warm and fuzzy.

Sooo Stooopid! So 5th grade!!

So. Which one do I take?

Saturday, December 13, 2008


I had a date with Science Guy today. He seems perfectly nice and I do find him attractive... but... (shrug)... Meh.

No, that's not (just) because I'm hung up Muckraker. Even if that wasn't the case I don't know that I would be into Science guy.

I might still give him another chance or two, since there are things I do like about him, but I don't see it going far.

In other news I heard from a mutual friend that Muckraker is leaving for winter break on Monday. (I also heard confirmation from that mutual friend that yes, Muckraker is single.) I admit I'm fairly annoyed he hasn't been in touch. *sigh*

Well, in any situation I think there's always one person who is more into someone than that someone is into them. It just sucks that in this case that person is *me*!

Friday, December 12, 2008


Yes, I over think things. Duh. I shouldn't, I know.

One of the ways in which I over think things is that when I like someone I imbue any emails/texts etc. sent with all sorts of mille-feuille levels of meaning. As if he's going to somehow divine what I really mean when I say, "I had fun last night.: (Secret meaning? Take me now, I'm yours.)

So I realized today that there are 3 other guys I'm currently corresponding with who are straight and single. I'm corresponding with them as friends, really have no interest in them, and they're about the same level of acquaintance friends that Muckraker is.

Do I double, triple and quadruple think what I'm emailing to these guys? No, no I don't. Do I think they're secretly reading "I want you" messages in my mundane emails? No.

So why do I do this with Muckraker then? It's silly. I know, I've got to stop. I am stopping.

I saw something online this evening that made me think of Muckraker. Were he a "normal" friend (one in whom I don't have an interest,) I wouldn't think twice about sending the link to him. So why was I hesitating?

Guess what. I sent the link. Whoooooo! Shocking, I know. (Shrug).

Oh well. If that makes or breaks this thing, there wasn't much there anyway, right?

And if I can't treat someone I like as my friend, what's the point? Right?

Scary, not sexy!

Subject line: Take away love, and our Earth is a Tomb

Message: HI,

I just came across your profile, and find you
very attractive. I hardly thought that there
existed such a woman outside the picture frame,or the covers of a romance nove. Call me! {user name)

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Side note...

I'm going out with Science Guy this weekend. Eh. What the hell. No reason not to. (Besides my utter infatuation with someone else. But besides that...)

A girl's gotta keep her options open.

10 messages too many...

I was contacted by a guy a few weeks ago. He seemed fairly cute and reasonable in his profile on Yahoo. I don't subscribe to yahoo, but that's not usually a problem. When I'm contacted by someone I like, I usually send back a free "wink" and the person on the other end usually gets the hint and sends back their email address.

So, that's what I did with this guy. And he didn't get the hint. And now I'm sooooo glad he didn't. Because I sure as hell now know why he's single!

10 messages in two weeks. TEN!!!!to someone who has never written you back! Each message increasing in intensity and craziness! TEN! Each message getting longer and longer about how we're soulmates and destined to be together and how he only has to look into my eyes (um... on the fucking computer screen!) to know it!

SCARY! Thank god we didn't ACTUALLY meet! Or communicate! I can practically see the Lifetime movie of the week now... "She thought he was prince charming, but he was the devil in disguise... he thought she was his soulmate, he could see it in her eyes... Dangerous Love, Fatal Obsession this week... only on Lifetime..."

There is an awful lot of crazy out there in the world, let me tell you!

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

To go, or not to go? That is the question.

Science Guy wants to see a movie this weekend. There's no reason to say no. He seemed like a very nice guy when we met, we had a good conversation.

Nothing is really going on at this point (or perhaps ever) with Muckraker. I know I should keep my options open.

On the other hand, I'm really not interested much in Science Guy given how infatuated I am with Muckraker.

Do I give it a shot? Potentially drawing out that whole awkward "I'm just not into you" moment? He might be a really great guy, but the truth is I'm so fixated on someone else at this point that I probably wouldn't even see it.

On the other hand, I don't want to throw back Science Guy. Things could be over before they start with Muckraker, and then I would have thrown away a perfectly good chance to date someone.

So.... Someone tell me what to do?

Monday, December 8, 2008

All that glisters is not gold

(No, that is not a typo, it's from Shakespeare. That's right, showing off, uh-huh!)

Why that title? Because I feel more sensible tonight! Yippee! In spite of probably having too much to drink and lowering my inhibitions (which I usually like kept firmly in place, uh-huh.)

So who no longer glisters? That would be Muckraker. And yes, I am actually happy about that! (I'm a complicated girl, I know!)

First of all, why am I so happy that I no longer view him with ga-ga goggles? Need I say more? Ga-ga goggles are not good for much other than having one's head in the clouds.

Do I still like him? A lot? Yes. Has some of the glister worn off to show the brass beneath? Yes. That's not a bad thing, that's reality. And I appreciate reality! I can work with reality! I cannot work when my head feels like it's not screwed on straight.

This evening I went out to celebrate the end of classes with a couple of friends. I'd been in my pjs all day, and gross and hadn't showered, but I didn't do much before going out to look good (well, I don't leave the house without make-up, so there you go...) because I was going out with my gay boys. (Love the gays! Yea! Got to cuddle with a friend. Sometimes that's all you really need.)

We went to dinner and then they mentioned that a group of people were at another restaurant. I thought I'd join them for a bit, and of course it turned out that Muckraker was there.

I was annoyed that he hadn't been in touch with me since last week... (ok, ok, that was only 3 days since last he was in touch with me. But still! That's a WHOLE OTHER week ago! Thursday to Monday!) In any case I'd been doubting myself quite a bit given his silence. At the restaurant his behaviour seemed to indicate that he didn't particularly care about talking to me, though we made slight small talk.

The group moved to another bar (as this group seems to do)... and I thought "What the hell? I need to celebrate the end of the term." So I joined them and Muckraker proceeded to get hammered... (yet somehow retain a lot of control over his faculties, so I don't know how much is an act.)

Fortunately this time I had remained pretty sober, having eaten and having only two drinks spaced about 5 hours apart.

I have to say we did have a good conversation-- not as good as the other night, but we seem to find stuff to talk about pretty easily.

Though he seems little interested in me when he's sober, he does seem fairly interested when he's hammered. I don't know if I should be insulted by this or not. Many of his comments were flirtatious, but I have to say the one that kind of threw me for a loop was when he asked about my shoes. Yes, I have a thing for shoes-- I guess I'm kind of known for that.

He asked me why I wasn't wearing my heels tonight--he said there was a pair he liked very much. (They're MY favorites too!!! Faryl Robin Fenway! Google that shit! But don't buy them in size 10, or I may have to hurt you!) He asked me why I always kicked off my shoes in class... was I trying to kick off the patriarchy? (Hah!)
I have to admit I was rather astonished to hear that he had been paying that much attention.

I couldn't believe we had anything left to talk about, but evidently we did. Some stuff came out though that put my mental brakes on a screeching halt, and my inner Judgy McJudgerton was very disapproving. So much so that I'm thinking... there's no way I could be with this guy. NO WAY. (See! To all my friends who thought I'd lost my marbles, I knew they weren't gone forever!)

Do I still like him? Yes. Do I still want to make out with him (and lots of other fun stuff that will not be mentioned here)? Yes.

Do I think there's much of a future? No. Not unless he were to change those things that he mentioned. And I would never make anyone else change for my sake.

Do I think I can do the fun stuff without hope about a future? ... That, I don't know. I talk a good game, but I admit that I've never been able to really be with anyone I don't envision a future with-- It's not really in my nature. I'd like to be a Samantha, but let's face it-- I'm more conservative than Charlotte.

So, where do I go from here? I don't know... Let things go wherever they may I suppose.

I feel like I'm not imagining his intentions though. At the end of the night he gave me a hug. He buried his face in my hair and kissed my temple. Three times. He squeezed my arm. He said, "I'll see you soon." (To which, you'll be proud to know, I did NOT exclaim "How soon is soon!?!!??! I need to know! Exactly and down to the minute!!!") Is this just extreme friendliness? Drunkeness? Try to get with a girl who seems like she might sleep with you-ness? Maybe. Maybe. Maybe.

But, who says I'm not trying to get with a guy who seems like he might sleep with me (and yes, I with him)? And be fucking amazing to talk to? Not often that you get both of those things in one package.

All that being said, do not be surprised if I kick him to the curb sooner than not either. That is, after all, my M.O. ... And now that the glister is gone, and I've found a flaw... well, I can almost hear the stopwatches starting.

But maybe I'll hang onto this one a bit longer. Time will tell.

Sunday, December 7, 2008

After the Highs come the Lows

Of course after the high of Wednesday I would experience a low. Especially since I've only had one email communication for Muckraker.

I know I can't get worked up about it. He certainly doesn't owe me anything. In fact, though his behaviour implies that he's single, he's never actually said so. (Thus making my ever-so-wonderful and protective friends very suspicious and much more guarded than I am.)

In fact my friends Ro & Kay seem to be particularly concerned about the prospect that he's playing me. I've given away too much, been too vulnerable they tell me. They're not wrong, and I realize that, and it makes me nervous and scared. Honestly, I behaved (and am still behaving!) in the most uncharacteristic ways! That makes me very nervous. I pride myself on not losing my head, and there I go losing it for a guy who can string a few pretty words together.

Did Muckraker seem insincere at all on Wednesday? No, he didn't. (Though, if he's a player, as Ro points out, of course he wouldn't, now would he?) And my instincts were telling me he was being honest, and that he was demonstrating interest. Could I be mistaken? Absolutely. In fact, I'm doubting myself quite a bit as he has not been in touch with me.... even though I have it from a mutual friend that he had time to go to a party over the weekend. a party I could have been invited to, had he been so inclined.

So yes, that development seems to indicate that he's either #1) not really interested, or #2) playing me, or #3) some combination of the two. (Option #4 I'm missing???)

One slight development that makes me less inclined to write him off is the fact that I found out a good friend is one degree separated from him. In fact, when he moved here in the summer she was introduced to him (unbeknownst to me) by her good friend who went on and on about what a great guy Muckraker is. She trusts this friend a great deal, she says. As for me? I trust her. It certainly is a slight point in his favor.

Meanwhile, being brought back down to earth by loyal friends who are watching out for me has not reduced the amount of time I spend (in spite of myself!!!) in idiotic daydreams. Believe me, if I could stop such ridiculous behaviour I would, as I am getting NOTHING accomplished on the final paper I ought to be working on.

Did I misread his interest? Is he a nice guy who just happens to be really interested in people as a side effect of his journalistic profession? I'm not discounting this possibility either.

On Wednesday he seemed completely present and engaged and interested though. Now it feels rather like "out of sight, out of mind." Which sucks. shrug

I promised Kay I would not make the next move though, and I think she's right about that, as I was the one to initiate most contacts. This isn't about playing games, as I'm not into that at all. I've been clear about where my interest lies though, and I have enough pride to not want someone who isn't clear about wanting me in return.

He knows how to reach me. And I'm not waiting on anyone.

Science guy wants to go this week. I might just say "yes."

Easy come, easy go.... but, oh, what a night...

Thursday, December 4, 2008

In Vino Veritas

Still off-kilter from last night.

I don't quite know what happened. I'm more than a little shell-shocked by the whole thing (in a good way. I think. I'm pretty sure.) I'm just, frankly, without words... which is not good for a blog post, and also because I want to share. Because I don't even know what to make of what happened last night...

Monday was the penultimate day of classes. Muckraker totally ignored me which only gave credence to my friend's message that he just isn't in to me. Nonetheless, I had dressed up that day... (yes, kinda with him in mind...still hoping, ya know!)... but I was resigned when he had zero interaction with me, and I took this to mean that--Yes, he really doesn't like me.

Yesterday was the last day of classes. I didn't bother making an effort this time in the way that I looked since evidently I could have a paper bag over my head and it would have the same effect. Class was terrible, (as usual!) but afterwards a group of students were hanging about and Muckraker asked if I'd like to join them for drinks. Obviously this surprised me, but I thought sure, why not.

Walking to the pub Muckraker asked me questions about myself that indicated he had been paying some sort of attention to what I had been saying. He started probing for my life story, which I felt was a bit odd given his previous lack of attention to me at all.

One of our professors joined a group of 6 of us at the pub, and though I was seated next to Muckraker he spent most of his time talking to our prof. There were a few seemingly flirtateous comments directed towards me that--again--left me feeling puzzled, but I spent most of that early evening talking to another friend.

We left that pub, and a few members of our group also left, but a couple of people decided to hit another pub for more drinks. Mind you, I hadn't had anything to eat that day other than a few pretzels and egg drop soup, and so my head was kind of spinning. Perhaps I should have thought better of it, but I decided to join the group for another round. Muckraker was there and I kind of got the impression he was into another girl in our group. Given that she is everything I'm not (slim, blond, perky, beautiful), I didn't blame him, but also didn't really care.

The group stayed at the second pub for about an hour. I felt like Muckraker spent his time focused on the girl next me. The group was leaving, and I was getting ready to go as well, but Muckraker put his hand on my arm and asked me to stay a bit longer, he wanted to talk to me. Honestly, I kind of assumed he wanted to ask me about the girl next to me to figure out what her situation is, but he didn't mention her at all.

I don't remember how our conversation got started. All I know is that the last time I felt such a connection with someone was prescicely 9 years 1 month and 27days ago. (No, get your minds out of the gutter-- not that kind of connection.) (Now, of course this kind of makes me nervous because I've also carried a bit of a torch (well, more like a tealight these days) for that person for--- oh--- say--- 9 years, 1 month and 27 days. When I fall, I fall hard.)

{Warning, florid prose ahead... you may want to skip this section if you are a little queasy}

The time flew and stood still all at once. We talked about nearly everything there is to talk about- (Well, mostly I talked while he kept insisting he didn't have much to say in the way of his personal history. He told me I had a leg up on him since I could read all about him, and he wanted to know about me.) Well, In Vino Veritas, and all that I guess because I told him things that probably only Beth, one of my dearest & oldest friends in the world, knows about me. It was, hands down, ranking up there with the 10 best conversations and nights of my life.

The more we talked the more I started to get the sense that he might actually... possibly... could it be...???... like me. Like that. WTF!? Sooooo Confused!

He asked me how old I was. 27. He asked me if I thought 40 was too old. I said no.

I told him that up until an hour or so ago I thought that he viewed me with contempt and loathing. He laughed. A lot. I could barely think straight at this point, my head was spinning. (Probably a good thing.) I asked him why he was laughing. He said, "maybe I'll tell you some day."

We stayed until the pub closed at 1am, and they kicked us out. We helped me into my coat (and asked me, being a feminist, did I mind that? I said, no.) We walked to the corner.

"Do you still think I hate you?" He asked me.
We stood there looking at each other for a long time.
"I don't know what to make of you," I answered. "You're a cipher."

He smiled. He leaned in. For a split second I thought he was going to kiss me, and then it turned into a hug.

I don't really remember how we left it... something about seeing each other--around? Something milquetoast like that.

I walked back to my car, completely puzzled and reeling and off-balance from our conversations. I don't undertand. At all. Apparently he doesn't hate me, but I also have no idea what he's actually thinking.

I got home, and was ill (thanks alcohol! Now I remember why I don't like you!) (**No, I did not drive drunk** I only had 2 beers from 7pm-1am. Alcohol just does not sit well with me.)

I tossed and turned all night. Didn't fall asleep until around 4am.

So nervous... I feel like I could actually really fall for this one, and fall hard. Given that I can't tell what his deal is, this is probably not a wise move.

Oh Lord! Help me!

Tuesday, December 2, 2008


... No longer listed as "single" on facebook! WTF!?

Apparently all someone needs to do to get hooked up is date me and then the next person you meet is the one for you!

Whoo hoo! Any takers for my services?

Wow! You're such a catch!

I am a take charge kind of guy with a dominant personality. I love life and I have a positive attitude regardless of circumstances. I am charismatic and humorous. I am emotionally available, and I know how to please a woman.I am more dominant than submissive in the bedroom, and I like to talk dirty, role play, and fantasize. You should be an alpha female who may be dominant in her life , but who submits to her man outside of the bedroom. You should have a positive attitude,be humorous, and be educated ( or self-taught ),intelligent, and enjoy sex often. Please : don't have children that live with you, be a convicted felon, do drugs, be a party girl, or have a mental disability ( been there, done that ). If you smoke, be willing to quit ( I did, I'll show you how to). If you are overweight be willing to loose the weight ( I did, I'll show you how to ). Please be willing to dress sexy with make-up in private for my eyes only. Finally, this is not a sex ad, if that's all you want, please find someone else. Thank you for reviewing my ad.

Who can resist a guy like that, huh? Ooo baby! Sign me up!

Monday, December 1, 2008

Que Sera, Sera, and all that jazz...

I have it on fairly good authority that my crush is totally unrequited. Not surprising, and barely disappointing at this point, since I'm used to it. Oh well. That's the way crushes work.

Moving on...

Damn you, Facebook!

So, facebook is all kinds of awesome... very useful in stalking potential dates and figuring out whether or not they're "Single, networking, it's complicated" etc.

Not that I, or YOU ever do this... (Yea right. Super useful for checking out one guy who asked me out while he was still listed as "In a relationship" on facebook, changed his status to "It's complicated" the day after he asked me out, and back to "In a relationship" the next day. Don't know what his deal was, but I knew enough to know I didn't want to be a part of it.)

However, it does sting a leeettttllleee bit when a former crush/guy I went out with a few times changes his status from single to "In a relationship."

Now, I don't really care that he's in a relationship. I'm no longer into him.

It's the fact that he's "in a relationship" before me that stings.

(Not that I list my status on my facebook profile ANYWAYS... because it was just too annoying to look at that "Single" label every time I logged on.)

Still... Very annoying.