Sunday, December 28, 2008

Warning, TMI ahead.

Npapaya may want to skip this one--- Just a heads up... :-)

It's been now about 3 weeks with no communication from Muckraker. I didn't expect any, but it would have been nice. So, I'm doing what my friends have suggested, and what I know I should be doing... moving along to other prospects.

And the other prospects are great, they really are. I'm actually fairly lucky at the moment to have so many.

But. But. But. The only one I actually want is Muckraker.

The other prospects are cute, and funny, and attractive, and I think that the chemistry could be there.

But. I want Muckraker. Like, an aching, physical want. Like getting all hot-and-bothered just thinking of him type of want.

I have to say this is pretty rare for me, and I think it's definitely contributed to the reason I'm so hung up on him. I feel like I'm in high school again, and all I want to do is be alone with him in the backseat of a car and hope my mom doesn't find out, kind of feeling.

As much as my head tells me to let go and move on to guys who have no problems saying things like, "I wanted to hear the sound of your voice before I fell asleep," I can't. Why? Because the physical pull-- even after 3 weeks of nothingness-- is too strong, and it's driving me C-R-A-Z-Y! As strong as this feels you'd think that Muckraker and I would have kissed or made out, or even held hands, or something... right? And yet, no.

And so do I need Npapaya and Ro, and Kay and others telling me how fucked up in the head I am right now? No, because believe me, I'm telling myself the same thing. Unfortunately my head and the rest of my body seem not to be communicating.

Part of me thinks I should just let it go, enjoy the ride as this type of chemistry happens so rarely for me-- (Mind you, yes, I realize that at the moment I don't know if this is more than one-sided.) I've thought about starting something casual with Muckraker, getting this out of my system... this seems like a good idea for the first 10 seconds I think about it.

Npapaya pointed out that if I were contemplating a casual relationship with Atlas she would have been all for it, as there wasn't any chance I would fall for him and get hopelessly entangled emotionally. With Muckraker? It doesn't take to much effort to imagine the aftermath of a no-strings-attached kind of thing. I recognize it would not be pretty as I certainly don't feel casually about him. And unfortunately, I have to admit that it looks like he feels pretty casually about me, if in fact he feels anything at all.

So, I'm going around and around in circles and getting very, very dizzy, but not coming to much of a solution. Yes, I'm going out with the other guys, and my head knows this is the best thing to do... But does anyone have any suggestions as to how to make the rest of me behave as well?


No comments: