Sunday, December 7, 2008

After the Highs come the Lows

Of course after the high of Wednesday I would experience a low. Especially since I've only had one email communication for Muckraker.

I know I can't get worked up about it. He certainly doesn't owe me anything. In fact, though his behaviour implies that he's single, he's never actually said so. (Thus making my ever-so-wonderful and protective friends very suspicious and much more guarded than I am.)

In fact my friends Ro & Kay seem to be particularly concerned about the prospect that he's playing me. I've given away too much, been too vulnerable they tell me. They're not wrong, and I realize that, and it makes me nervous and scared. Honestly, I behaved (and am still behaving!) in the most uncharacteristic ways! That makes me very nervous. I pride myself on not losing my head, and there I go losing it for a guy who can string a few pretty words together.

Did Muckraker seem insincere at all on Wednesday? No, he didn't. (Though, if he's a player, as Ro points out, of course he wouldn't, now would he?) And my instincts were telling me he was being honest, and that he was demonstrating interest. Could I be mistaken? Absolutely. In fact, I'm doubting myself quite a bit as he has not been in touch with me.... even though I have it from a mutual friend that he had time to go to a party over the weekend. a party I could have been invited to, had he been so inclined.

So yes, that development seems to indicate that he's either #1) not really interested, or #2) playing me, or #3) some combination of the two. (Option #4 I'm missing???)

One slight development that makes me less inclined to write him off is the fact that I found out a good friend is one degree separated from him. In fact, when he moved here in the summer she was introduced to him (unbeknownst to me) by her good friend who went on and on about what a great guy Muckraker is. She trusts this friend a great deal, she says. As for me? I trust her. It certainly is a slight point in his favor.

Meanwhile, being brought back down to earth by loyal friends who are watching out for me has not reduced the amount of time I spend (in spite of myself!!!) in idiotic daydreams. Believe me, if I could stop such ridiculous behaviour I would, as I am getting NOTHING accomplished on the final paper I ought to be working on.

Did I misread his interest? Is he a nice guy who just happens to be really interested in people as a side effect of his journalistic profession? I'm not discounting this possibility either.

On Wednesday he seemed completely present and engaged and interested though. Now it feels rather like "out of sight, out of mind." Which sucks. shrug

I promised Kay I would not make the next move though, and I think she's right about that, as I was the one to initiate most contacts. This isn't about playing games, as I'm not into that at all. I've been clear about where my interest lies though, and I have enough pride to not want someone who isn't clear about wanting me in return.

He knows how to reach me. And I'm not waiting on anyone.

Science guy wants to go this week. I might just say "yes."

Easy come, easy go.... but, oh, what a night...

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