Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Are you a Grown Up YET?

Well, interweb friends, I feel like I can only tell y'all this. (Ok, ok, I know some of my real life friends will likely read this too...) But I'm super annoyed with Jedi.

Isn't it funny? I feel like I can't tell my RL friends this because it's kinda like-- "Well, you made your decision! Now you have to live with it!"-- in terms of "picking" him. And that any complaints about Jedi will be seen as if I'm doubting my choice.

I know that's ridiculous, but I can't help the way I feel. And so, I feel like I can't be open about my frustrations with my RL friends without possibly getting some variation of, "Maybe you should rethink this whole engagement thing."

So let me just start off by saying-- I'm not rethinking this whole engagement thing... (yet. Ha. Ahem.) But I am royally annoyed with Jedi today.

As you may recall, Jedi is not super-scholastically gifted and he also has a video game addiction. He is currently enrolled in an Associate's Degree program. He had been working on both issues and last term he got A's in both of his classes.

Well, this term he struggled quite a bit. He was taking an English and a Math course and he contemplated dropping his English course. However, since it was halfway through the term, he wouldn't get money back, and his professor was willing to give him extensions on his assignments I (along with several others) convinced him not to drop it.

Frankly-- let's be Effing honest here. This is a community college English Course. I think that is the very definition of CAKEWALK!

Jedi had PLENTY of time this term to buckle down and do really well in his classes. The number of times I saw him open his English book though? TWICE. The number of times I saw him playing his effing gameboy? Seriously, well over one hundred.

I didn't want to be his mother, but I was concerned. I knew he probably wasn't doing his homework, so I kept asking-- How is that class going? Have much work? Have you gotten everything done?

"Fine. No. Yes." were pretty much the answers.

Ok. I suspected he was not really being forthright... but everyone works to a different pace. I'm a procrastinator too. For example, I wrote 90 pages of my thesis in 3 days. I had about 6 months to work on it... but no, I have waited until the very last possible moment to write 90 pages. That's just how I work.

I don't know what his process is, but I figured-- I'd be annoyed if people were constantly asking me-- "Are you SURE you're going to get it done? It's due in a week, you know... " When I knew VERY WELL that I'd pull it together at the last minute. So, while I suspected there was a lack of schoolwork going on, I didn't push it.

How has he done in his classes this term?

A "C"... and an "F." .... AN "F"!!!! Are you EFFING KIDDING?

*sigh* I know he feels bad about it. Yesterday he didn't come home until almost 10pm and he came home bearing gifts.


Feeling bad about it doesn't change the fact that this was ENTIRELY in his control. I don't have any sympathy, and frankly I'm pretty pissed off. It's not that he struggled to understand the material, it's not that he has a learning disability (which he does), it's not that he just was overwhelmed and didn't have enough time. NO. He failed because he DIDN'T FUCKING DO THE DAMNED WORK.

This is somewhat his M.O. actually. It's not that he's unproductive (he's not) or that he's lazy (he's not), it's that there are certain things he's just not really interested in doing-- even though he KNOWS he should be-- and so he just doesn't do them. If you talk to him he'll agree with you and say, "Yes, you're right. I'm going to do XYZ now, I know it's important." But something just keeps him from following through.

Well, FOLLOW THROUGH is part of being a grown-up. And it's one of the parts that he's most lacking. The same situation can be said about his lack of follow through with applying for a passport. Yeah, sure, it's a pain. But I travel overseas a lot-- and my family is overseas. So, if you want to be with me, overseas you'll go! And he's agreed to this. He's said he's getting a passport... he's going to fill out the papers this weekend... or maybe next weekend...

Yeah. those papers have been in his care for MONTHS.

I told him last night that while I love him, I'm not waiting around for him. Metaphorically or physically. I told him, one of these days I'm going to book a vacation overseas, and you won't have gotten your shit done in time and you won't be able to go. Too bad for you.

Is that harsh? Maybe, but at this point I think he needs harsh.

When I said that he started putting on his shoes and coat to go get the papers from the car. I told him, "What do you think you're doing?" He said, "I'm going to go fill out those papers." I told him, "No, you're not. It's 10pm."

I just felt that was another level of his immaturity-- him running out there at 10pm. He's had plenty of time to get it done, and rashly running out there just because I was pointing out his lack of follow through isn't going to prove anything other than I (apparently) need to be pushing him every step of the way.

And I'm not going to. That's not my job.

He said he was going to give up video games.


Yeah. Right.

I believe his intentions are good... that he means it RIGHT NOW.

A few weeks from now though? He'll think-- "Hey, I've got some leisure time. I can do this." and pull it back out again.

Part of being a grown up is also being able to do things in moderation--Recognizing your responsibilities and what will interfere with getting those accomplished.

Right now, it doesn't seem like he can do that.

I'm just REALLY frustrated.

I have faith that he can learn. That's part of the reason why I'm with him. It's also the reason why I've told him there's no wedding until he graduates... I've also told him that failing a class isn't a deal breaker, but that the underlying causes of WHY he failed the class (Not taking responsibility, lack of follow through) very well could be.

As I've said before-- Emotionally, he's very mature. Kind, loving, slow to anger, understanding, thoughtful... etc.

In the realm of responsibility though? Not so much.

And frankly? I want to be with someone who is an effing grown-up.


Something She Dated said...

My advice would really be based a lot on why? he's in school. Are these two courses stepping stones to something further? or is it just something he's doing to "better himself" or something else of the like?

If it's the former...then okay I understand being pissed but maybe whatever it is he's working towards isn't something he's passionate about. I for one got my BA in Psych with a 62% cum. avg. However now back at school upping my grades and taking relevant classes (I want to apply to MA programs for English Lit.) and my cum. avg. has shot up to 82% There's a lot to be said for passion.

If it's the latter...well frankly I'd just be pissed at the wasted money...but I'm not sure if you all consider it "yours/communal" it may not be relevant.

Finally the passport thing...I think you did the right thing but being upfront about...either you're with me or you're not but I'm heading overseas...however I wouldn't be pissed about him getting the paper stuff done then. Like I said, I'm working towards an MA, but if you don't constantly send me notes about doing something specific (that's not school related) and it's likely I'll maybe he just didn't want to forget again?

Hypatia said...

He doesn't have a degree (other than a high school degree) yet, so yes, it's a big deal. It's not even so much that *I* need him to have a degree (Though, I admit, I would prefer it,) but that he needs to have SOME kind of skills in this life. I looked up vocational schools for him, but he wasn't interested. He just needs to find his passion--and I don't know how to help him do that.

Anonymous said...

Hmm, that's a toughie. I've said from the start (of our internet friendship!) that I think it's okay to have education as a deal breaker, especially since you've got a lot of degrees under your belt. So I don't think that's wrong. Also, you know, he got an F. An E-F-F. That's sucky, and he didn't get it because he tried and failed. He got it because he didn't try. I don't blame you for being pissed.

On the other hand (well, not really, I guess...just another point), I think it's perfectly okay to go through a period of OMG after you get engaged. Because it's a big deal, especially since you take marriage seriously. So this might not have bothered you before, but you just took the of course you're going to be kicking the tires, you know?

Anonymous said...
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Hypatia said...

Perpetua, I think you're right on all counts. I'm really disappointed in him, but I also feel like I need to temper that disappointment so as not to discourage him even more.

I don't think education is as much of a deal breaker for me as it once was-- I think that's because his personal qualities make up for so much. On the OTHER hand, not having any ambition or follow through IS a dealbreaker!