Well, interweb friends, I feel like I can only tell y'all this. (Ok, ok, I know some of my real life friends will likely read this too...) But I'm super annoyed with Jedi.
Isn't it funny? I feel like I can't tell my RL friends this because it's kinda like-- "Well, you made your decision! Now you have to live with it!"-- in terms of "picking" him. And that any complaints about Jedi will be seen as if I'm doubting my choice.
I know that's ridiculous, but I can't help the way I feel. And so, I feel like I can't be open about my frustrations with my RL friends without possibly getting some variation of, "Maybe you should rethink this whole engagement thing."
So let me just start off by saying-- I'm not rethinking this whole engagement thing... (yet. Ha. Ahem.) But I am royally annoyed with Jedi today.
As you may recall, Jedi is not super-scholastically gifted and he also has a video game addiction. He is currently enrolled in an Associate's Degree program. He had been working on both issues and last term he got A's in both of his classes.
Well, this term he struggled quite a bit. He was taking an English and a Math course and he contemplated dropping his English course. However, since it was halfway through the term, he wouldn't get money back, and his professor was willing to give him extensions on his assignments I (along with several others) convinced him not to drop it.
Frankly-- let's be Effing honest here. This is a community college English Course. I think that is the very definition of CAKEWALK!
Jedi had PLENTY of time this term to buckle down and do really well in his classes. The number of times I saw him open his English book though? TWICE. The number of times I saw him playing his effing gameboy? Seriously, well over one hundred.
I didn't want to be his mother, but I was concerned. I knew he probably wasn't doing his homework, so I kept asking-- How is that class going? Have much work? Have you gotten everything done?
"Fine. No. Yes." were pretty much the answers.
Ok. I suspected he was not really being forthright... but everyone works to a different pace. I'm a procrastinator too. For example, I wrote 90 pages of my thesis in 3 days. I had about 6 months to work on it... but no, I have waited until the very last possible moment to write 90 pages. That's just how I work.
I don't know what his process is, but I figured-- I'd be annoyed if people were constantly asking me-- "Are you SURE you're going to get it done? It's due in a week, you know... " When I knew VERY WELL that I'd pull it together at the last minute. So, while I suspected there was a lack of schoolwork going on, I didn't push it.
How has he done in his classes this term?
A "C"... and an "F." .... AN "F"!!!! Are you EFFING KIDDING?
*sigh* I know he feels bad about it. Yesterday he didn't come home until almost 10pm and he came home bearing gifts.
BUT. BUT. BUT.
Feeling bad about it doesn't change the fact that this was ENTIRELY in his control. I don't have any sympathy, and frankly I'm pretty pissed off. It's not that he struggled to understand the material, it's not that he has a learning disability (which he does), it's not that he just was overwhelmed and didn't have enough time. NO. He failed because he DIDN'T FUCKING DO THE DAMNED WORK.
This is somewhat his M.O. actually. It's not that he's unproductive (he's not) or that he's lazy (he's not), it's that there are certain things he's just not really interested in doing-- even though he KNOWS he should be-- and so he just doesn't do them. If you talk to him he'll agree with you and say, "Yes, you're right. I'm going to do XYZ now, I know it's important." But something just keeps him from following through.
Well, FOLLOW THROUGH is part of being a grown-up. And it's one of the parts that he's most lacking. The same situation can be said about his lack of follow through with applying for a passport. Yeah, sure, it's a pain. But I travel overseas a lot-- and my family is overseas. So, if you want to be with me, overseas you'll go! And he's agreed to this. He's said he's getting a passport... he's going to fill out the papers this weekend... or maybe next weekend...
Yeah. those papers have been in his care for MONTHS.
I told him last night that while I love him, I'm not waiting around for him. Metaphorically or physically. I told him, one of these days I'm going to book a vacation overseas, and you won't have gotten your shit done in time and you won't be able to go. Too bad for you.
Is that harsh? Maybe, but at this point I think he needs harsh.
When I said that he started putting on his shoes and coat to go get the papers from the car. I told him, "What do you think you're doing?" He said, "I'm going to go fill out those papers." I told him, "No, you're not. It's 10pm."
I just felt that was another level of his immaturity-- him running out there at 10pm. He's had plenty of time to get it done, and rashly running out there just because I was pointing out his lack of follow through isn't going to prove anything other than I (apparently) need to be pushing him every step of the way.
And I'm not going to. That's not my job.
He said he was going to give up video games.
I believe his intentions are good... that he means it RIGHT NOW.
A few weeks from now though? He'll think-- "Hey, I've got some leisure time. I can do this." and pull it back out again.
Part of being a grown up is also being able to do things in moderation--Recognizing your responsibilities and what will interfere with getting those accomplished.
Right now, it doesn't seem like he can do that.
I'm just REALLY frustrated.
I have faith that he can learn. That's part of the reason why I'm with him. It's also the reason why I've told him there's no wedding until he graduates... I've also told him that failing a class isn't a deal breaker, but that the underlying causes of WHY he failed the class (Not taking responsibility, lack of follow through) very well could be.
As I've said before-- Emotionally, he's very mature. Kind, loving, slow to anger, understanding, thoughtful... etc.
In the realm of responsibility though? Not so much.
And frankly? I want to be with someone who is an effing grown-up.