Monday, August 16, 2010

Therapy, musings & escape

I should be feeling good. I really should. Jedi is in my life, I have my health, I have family that cares about me, I have more prospects than I've had in awhile...

And yet, I'm in a terrible funk. I'm anxious too and it's causing me lots of stomach ailments. I don't know why I'm so anxious, I just know that breathing enough air into my lungs to get through the day is a herculean effort.

I do see a therapist and she's helped quite a bit over the last three years. I don't think I'd be with Jedi without doing the work I've done with her. She's been on vacation for two weeks and I definitely feel myself fraying at the edges. I suppose I could call and talk to someone else in her office but that seems silly. I'm seeing her on Friday by which point many things may have resolved themselves.

I think part of my difficulty is that it feels like I'm now not only responsible for my life and well being, I'm responsible for Jedi's. I've been helping him apply to a new school and to new jobs-- both of which have been Sisyphean tasks thus far. In the meantime I'm trying to get my own life in order and he requires so much hand holding and direction that I feel like I'm a lifeguard swimming for two.

I knew going into it that this is what I was getting myself into though. Believe me, I know. His other--amazing-- qualities more than make up for this. I'm hoping that he can get into a program at a local college (whose term starts in early Sept) that would be a much better fit than what he has been doing (in my estimation-- but I know him very well.) The program would be a degree in radiology and it would be much more hands-on than what he is doing now. His program now requires a lot of essay writing-- which he despairs at. There may or may not be someone who is dropping out of the Radiology program between now and the start of the term and Jedi may or may not be able to take that spot. I'm really hoping the universe takes pity on him and makes this possible.

In the meantime I'm both hopeful and despairing about my own prospects (complicated, isn't it? Let's just say that I'm waiting to hear back about 3 different things-- Thing # 1 I really want, but am not likely to get. Thing #2 I might want under the right conditions, but it seems growingly unlikely those conditions will be there. Thing #3 I can likely have if I want it... but I totally don't.) I'm thinking in cases 2 & 3 it might be a case of going from the frying pan into the fire. *sigh*

A few weeks ago Jedi very seriously wanted us to pack everything up and leave that very day to go (back) to the midwest. I admit, I was tempted too. However, as we all know-- wherever you go, there you are. I know leaving won't really solve anything-- esp. leaving without having anything else planned-- but it is so tempting at times. And you're always reading those stupid eat, pray, love type memoirs about people who chucked it all and found bliss. Could that possibly be that the people who chucked it all and ended up homeless didn't end up with million dollar book deals? Hmmm...? I want to hear from those people.

In the meantime I'm just plugging away... trying to get up enough energy and courage to get out of bed each day to face the world.


Amilinda said...

A friend of mine is an editor.
It turns out the Eat,Pray,Love chick was PAID by her publisher to go on the trip and write the book.
Not quite as organic as they'd want us to believe, huh?

Hypatia said...

Damn! How do I get that gig!?

Lindsey said...

Yeah, I wish I could drop everything and have these amazing opportunities like she did...but like Amilinda said, she was already an established writer at that time and was advanced money on the book about the upcoming trip.

If only we were so lucky...

Anonymous said...

anxiety is a problem for me also.
At times, just taking a deep breath can cause immediate nausea.
you think it might be pre-wedding cold feet?

Hypatia said...

Lindsey- I know, right? If only a publisher would believe me when I tell them I'll write a best seller if only they'll give me enough money to travel the world... hmmm... how to do that...

Definitely not cold feet. Definitely work related stress!