A Bad Day

Tomorrow will, very likely, not be a good day.

I got an email from my boss' boss on Friday (my day off) that ruined my weekend, left me sick to my stomach, asking me for a meeting first thing 9am on Monday. Tomorrow.

*sigh*

I'm pretty certain that this meeting will be to put me on warning for being insubordinate.

*sigh*

Nevermind that the email this meeting is going about was only to point out how it would not really be feasible for me to do the work they want done in the time period they want it done, (and oh- btw- had they looked at the spreadsheet I'd sent them 2 days ago because if they had bothered to open it they would have seen that it was already formatted in exactly the way they were requesting me to format it in the subsequent email.) Ok. I said it a bit more nicely than that, but I'm sure my frustration came through. Bad me.

Like I said, I"ve been SICK-- physically, emotionally, mentally-- about this all weekend. To the point where I started cutting myself again.

I KNOW this is stupid, believe me, I know. I also know that nothing makes me feel better faster.

I know that I will not care about the office I work in 5 minutes after I give my resignation. For all that I've been looking for new positions over the past year I've been somewhat lackadasical about it too-- only applying to jobs that I would REALLY want.

Yeah. No more of that. At this point I feel like I should just go an apply for anything and everything I'm qualified for and hope something sticks.

Jedi and I were talking about just packing everything up and moving back to the midwest without having any jobs lined up-- just giving 1 months notice and --boom-- we're out of here. It's very tempting, though not very practical, I know. It would feel super satisfying though!

The truth is that my patience with where we live is running out. There are basically 2 employers here-- the hospital and the college-- and all the other businesses service these other 2 businesses. We have a wal-mart, a kmart and a khol's and that's basically it. It is very pretty, but soul crushing with the cost of living and the lack of activities and non-transient young people.

I'm just feeling very discouraged at the moment. I know I don't technically have a lot to complain about-- I have Jedi, I have a roof over my head, I have a full stomach... But is it too first-world of me to want a job that's fulfilling and with people who value my input and insights?

When I was a kid I was "diagnosed" with Oppositional Defiant Disorder
This has to be the most seriously fucked up diagnosis ever, to tell you the truth--

Symptoms of ODD may include:

• Frequent temper tantrums
• Excessive arguing with adults
• Often questioning rules
• Active defiance and refusal to comply with adult requests and rules
• Deliberate attempts to annoy or upset people
• Blaming others for his or her mistakes or misbehavior
• Often being touchy or easily annoyed by others
• Frequent anger and resentment
• Mean and hateful talking when upset
• Spiteful attitude and revenge seeking

Um... Yeah. Could all of these symptoms also be explained by the fact that the adults AROUND me were complete controlling asshats who gave orders that made no sense and were frequently narcissistic and controlling also?

So, yes, I recognize I have a bad attitude at times... As an adult I've learned to control it most of the time and at least pretend that I"m semi-civilized... but I swear! My workplace is making me want to react in childish ways. (You'll have to take my word for it that 3/4 of my colleagues are CRAZY people... but trust me, they are.)

*sigh*

Anyone want to hire me?

(I know, I know! After that you surely will, won't you?! But trust me! I'm a fantastic employee when my employer isn't insane!)