Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Feeling groovy

The past few years were kind of rough. (Job uncertainty, crummy job, crappy love life...) Most of these things were not just for me, I know, but for the entire country. Hopefully we're on our way to better times?

The reason I bring it up is because I'm actually feeling pretty happy and content these days, which is a novel feeling.  I couldn't ask for anyone better than Jedi-- and amazingly, he seems to feel the same way.  I have a job that I like with coworkers I like. I feel like my job makes a difference, and I feel like I'm not only pretty good at it, but that my contributions are appreciated.  I'm feeling hopeful for the future.

Thinking about applying to school has been stressing me out. Thinking about not getting into any programs I want to get into has been stressing me out. Thinking about how to PAY for school has been stressing me out more. I've decided to stop letting it. Yup. Just like that.  Don't get me wrong, I still plan on applying, but I've decided to stop letting it be a barrier.

Hell, I'm not a senior in high school wondering if my life will go kaput if I don't get into schools A, B or C.  My life will be perfectly fine if I don't get into any schools. That's kind of a liberating thought.

I had a conversation with a great colleague the other day and I was expressing my anxiety around having a new boss.  My greatest anxiety was around the fact that I've successfully pulled of lots of big programming this year, which my current boss has seen and appreciated.  That means that I've kind of got "credit" in the bank with her-- e.g. if my next project goes kaput she won't say, "Well, see now-- I knew Hypatia was an incompetent idiot. This just proves it."  Instead she'll say, "Hmm, this isn't typical of Hypatia, this must have been an anomaly."

THAT I think is the most stressful part of having a new boss. (and I've had about 13-16 in the past few years depending on how you calculate it.) Always having to prove yourself again, and again, and again, and always being on your guard.  Phew.  No wonder I want to work for myself! Hopefully one of these degrees I'm applying to will let me do that. Fingers crossed.

What my colleague said to me when I expressed this anxiety was kidn of liberating and eye-opening in a Duh-Moment (no Aha- Moments for me!) kind of way.  She said, "Even if your new boss thinks you're an idiot, that doesn't mean that you are."

Oh. Really? Oh. Are you sure? Really? Oh.



That's pretty profound.

Even if it is kind of glaringly obvious.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I had a similar revelation the other day, which centered around chapel shack (I have adopted your term) and jobs and identity and then it was just, well, fine. It'll be fine.

I'm glad you've got that feeling. It's just lovely. (Also lovely: your honeymoon spot. So pretty!)