Monday, October 5, 2009

Don't Fuck This One Up!

"Don't fuck this one up."

Those are the wise words of my straight-shooting therapist. I would be offended at the implication that I have fucked up other 'ones' if I didn't know it to be true. My flight instinct is still in high gear though I'm trying to fight it. I admit though that as much as I like Mr.2young I'm still looking for the character flaw that will allow me to kick him to the curb. (Harsh, I know...)

And, intuitive guy that he is, Mr.2young confessed that his fear is that he's going to do something that is going to give me a reason to do that.


Do I feel bad about this? Somewhat. Is this totally unfair to him? Absolutely. Which is why I'm not letting myself end it though my instinct is to do so.

I enjoy the time I spend with him. When I'm with him I don't have any doubts or fears because I'm just in the moment. But when he's gone all those insecurities come flooding back.

I feel like a drowning swimmer who, when the lifeguard comes to save him, fights and thrashes instead of letting himself be saved, thus drowning the lifeguard as well. I don't want to do that.

I went against my instincts and invited Mr.2young to a jazz club on Friday with about 10 of my friends. I was nervous. He was nervous. (Again, he worried that if they didn't like him it would be an excuse to get rid of him. Like I said, smart guy.)

I like to keep my different worlds from touching. Sometimes they interact-- such as when Nell (A Grad Student friend) and Npapaya (A Work Friend) came over the other night. Rarely do the twain meet though, and I like it that way. This group on Friday was my 'Grad Student friend' group, which is probably worse than having him meet my work friends. I would say that my work friends are a little kinder, more understanding. The grad students are great, but totally bitchy. (In a super fun way!)

The grad student friends knew both Muckraker (because he was a grad student), and Science Guy (Because I invited him for dinner with them once.) They obviously liked muckraker (even if they did find him super shady), but none of them liked Science guy for some inexplicable reason. The only thing they would really say is "He's not good enough for you." Which... frankly... was totally not true. I don't know by what definition they were using "not good enough." He was nice (if a bit immature), smart, well-educated (post-doc), well-established, generous, and into me. But... whatever.

So, yes, I was nervous as to what their opinion would be... imagine my surprise when only half-way through the evening my friends started giving me surreptitious thumbs-up. I got numerous people saying, "We really like this one!" "So much better than the last guy!" So... yippee...? :-p

He spent the night on Friday and I had to work on Saturday. He was supposed to spend the night on Saturday and Sunday, but I cancelled on him. No, not because I wasn't feeling it, but because I'd been around people WAY too much this weekend. I'm an introvert at heart, and I need a lot of space and quiet time to recuperate after being around people.

I do know that this might seem crazy... like, why would I prefer an evening alone (with Don and Betty Draper!) to fun times with a real, live, cute guy... ? Right? But it's really about my own sanity and needing space. I have forewarned Mr.2young numerous times about this-- that it's not personal, but that I need lots of alone time. He seems to get it (or, at least if he doesn't he feigns understanding quite well.)

I might see him tonight. I'll probably see him on Wednesday if we go to a play together.

(PS-- Another example of my craziness? I told him he needs to stop telling me I'm beautiful and gorgeous. It just makes me too uncomfortable. Probably because *I* don't believe it, and so therefore it feels like he's lying to me. Yes, yes... I need professional help. Don't worry. I'm getting it.)

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