Thursday, October 8, 2009
Mr.2young and I went to see Hamlet last night. Npapaya couldn't go (a group of us have season tickets) and so gave him her ticket. We met a bunch of my other (work) friends for dinner ahead of time... they're kind of a rambunctious crowd, but good-spirited. When Mr.2young stepped away at one point one of my friends said, "Two thumbs up for this one!" and at the end of the night another friend embarrassed him (and me!) by saying, "Gee, Mr.2young... I hope we'll be seeing a lot more of you! How about it, Hypatia? Will we be seeing him again?"
He's spent the past few nights at my place. He's actually now leaving his toothbrush at my place and keeping an overnight bag in his car. (Yes, this effing freaks me out.) He also referred to an event we're going to and said, "All the girlfriends are getting together afterward...." and including me in the "girlfriend" category. I kind of lost it, actually... I think I rather hurt his feelings, but that wasn't my intention. But at the same time I feel like I needed to be honest.
I went to the doctor's today to get the pill. I think anyone reading this blog would know that I'm not one to rush into things... Mr.2young is the only "whatever the hell this is" I've ever rushed into. I think I've mentioned in the past that I was raised Baptist-- "hellfire and brimstone and disease and death are the only things that can come out of premarital relations"--school of thought.
It has taken me A LOT to get over that... to the point that this casual "whatever the hell this is" is both an anomaly and probably pretty good for me personal-growth wise. And my therapist... who has been following me for 3 years... completely agrees.
Which is why I'm SO EFFING ANNOYED at the doctor I saw today. It was a new one in the same practice (because the other one didn't have any openings until November for non-emergency stuff.) And you would have thought this (young-ish) doctor was a doctor out of 'Mad Men'! She said to me "I really don't recommend you being intimate with someone you've known so little... Sex should be reserved for a long-term committed relationship... Is he putting undue pressure on you? what are these bruises? are you in an abusive relationship...?" Seriously, I got a 1 hour lecture, and she was like, "I'm only prescribing you birth control because you're going to do it anyway, but I really don't think it's in your best interest..." She kept giving me dire warnings about AIDS and Chlamydia and Syphilis ... It just brought me back to the whole abstinence-only education (Which we know works SO Well!
I tried to stay polite... (Because I needed a damned prescription!)... but I wanted to say to her-- "Lady, I'm 28 and I'm overly educated and overly cautious. I know what I'm getting into... but even if I was sleeping with a knuckle-dragging mouth breather, it still wouldn't be any of your damned business!!!)
I was angry... but that doesn't mean her words didn't get to me. Because they're the same words that were drilled into my brain from the time I was 3 to the time I was 21. That's a lot of indoctrination to drown out. It took a lot of self-growth to get to the point where I feel comfortable with my decisions about my body, and I feel like I'm back in a pit of self-doubt at the moment... Like that I'm somehow going to become a bad Lifetime morality tale and I'm going to wind up pregnant with the clap living with an abusive boyfriend because I dared to have sex outside of the church's permission. Ugh.
(The other thing the doctor was shoveling was a lot of gender stereotyping about how "Men will say anything to have sex... Men can have sex without emotions but women can't..." I tried pointing out to her that I was the one who had initiated things with Mr.2young, and her response was, "Well, sometimes it can feel that way, but men are crafty manipulators and will say they don't want to do something when they're really trying to get you to do it." Talk about a mind-fuck.)
Even though I know it's totally irrational it has only intensified my feelings of ambivalence about the whole "whatever the hell this is" situation with Mr.2young. We're supposed to get together on Friday, but I'm really not feeling it at the moment...