So, part of the reason I haven't been posting lately is because I feel like I need to figure out what I'm going to do with my life. I've been thinking about that this month a lot because I deferred grad school to the summer. Mostly what I deferred was the decision about whether or not to go to grad school.
Do I WANT an Ed.D? Meh. Not really. Am I interested in it? Not at all.
That would seem to be the answer, right? Except well...
Is an Ed.D (and specifically this program) the most logical choice for a next step? Yes. Is it the easiest next step? Yes. Is it the most cost-effective, least life-disrupting step? Yes.
I've been told I'm ambitious, which I actually find rather funny. My ambitions, such as they are, actually are modest. All I want is a job that makes enough to support me and Jedi and also offers life flexibility so that I can have kids and spend time with them, while still also enjoying my work. So, the holy grail of jobs. ha! The Ed.D. is just a means to an end which would allow me to take a job in a higher paying bracket, but also potentially just work part time but keep earning what I currently earn. That's my dream.
The campus flag was flown at half mast today for a professor who died. I read a little bit about him-- and I couldn't help but think as I read all about his wonderful accomplishments, "Well, he's still dead." Yup. And so will we all be someday. All his great deeds and research and accolades couldn't stop death. I don't know anything about him. I hope he did what he loved in life, which is a worthy goal.
But to achieve for the sake of impressing others? To hold a high position to be able to... what?... have a corner office? Have lots of underlings who tremble when I pass by? No thanks. And I think that's why some people think I am contemplating going back to school, but it couldn't be further from the truth. I want the degree because hopefully it will give me more flexibility to be able to spend time on things I really care about.
I keep thinking about having kids. I keep thinking about the end of my life. When I die which would I regret most? Not having kids? Or not having a doctorate? It's not even a close race.
And so, I keep thinking, "Well, maybe we should have kids now!" We have grown-up jobs, insurance, family support in town... They say there's no good time to have kids, but this doesn't seem like a terrible one. I keep reading articles about decreasing fertility in one's 30s and I hear that clock ticking. So, I think to myself, maybe we should just go for it!
And then I remember we have hardly any money. Which is why I want an Ed.D. To be able to support a family and let Jedi be a stay at home (work part time) dad. But if I go for the Ed.D and then I'm not able to have kids in the future due to my age... (or whatever)... would I regret it terribly? Yes I would. But it's possible we can't have kids now! Anything's possible... maybe we'd try for a couple years with no luck... during which time I could have earned my Ed.D.
(There's always the - Have a kid AND do the Ed.D at the same time! Which seems like the worst of both worlds, definitely!)
Well, anyway, these are the thoughts that keep going around and around and around in my head at the moment. I keep weighing pros and cons and can't seem to come out in favor of one or the other. Jedi is completely onboard in either case, so he's not much help in the decision making process.
Logic seems to dictate going ahead and doing the Ed.D and THEN having kids when we're not struggling financially. Which makes sense...
... and then I watch Teen Mom and think, "Fuck it! If those idiots can do it, surely I can too!" (Not the soundest reasoning, I'll grant you that.
All that to say that I feel like I"m in limbo. I'm just waiting for a sign, something which will push me in one direction or the other. I'm just gonna keep on waiting for right now...