Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Muckraker, I really kind of hate you.

Or maybe I really only hate myself for hoping what I hadn't allowed myself to hope in a really long time.

As I said in a long ago post, I rarely allow myself to be hopeful on first dates anymore. I used to get happy with anticipation, thinking to myself, ok! Maybe this guy will be great! Maybe this will be the start of something! But after awhile I just got-- I don't know-- beaten down with disappointment.

And so I stopped hoping and I started looking at dates as interviews and began looking forward to them just as much.

All the joy of discovering another person went completely out the window.

This isn't because I'm "goal-oriented" in the sense of... "I must get married, have a white house with a picket fence and 2.5 kids..." but rather I'm goal-oriented in the sense that I want to be completely open and comfortable with someone, and I have spent my entire life being closed and uncomfortable with people.

I think that would surprise my friends actually, because I know I present as someone open and at ease most of the time, but I do think they'd also acknowledge that the closer I get the more of a mess they realize me to be.

And so even though I was dating up a storm, I was getting nowhere, and I was (am) more closed off than ever.

And then muckraker caught me off-guard. And he saw me at my messy, stubborn, annoying, petulant self.... and he seemed to like me anyways. And he seemed to be interested in me anyways.

And maybe it was because I was so off-guard that I let him in more than I've let any guy in for years, and the connection seemed so real, so strong. And I started to hope. I hoped in a way I hadn't hoped in years. I hoped harder than I ever had before, no doubt because I hadn't let myself feel any hope in years.

And then... NOTHING. From one day to the next-- intense interest, then NOTHING.

The connection I felt with muckraker may have been a one-sided one, but it didn't feel that way at the time. And I don't think I imagined his interest. Some might say it was based on wishful thinking, but I do take solace in the fact that my friends who observed him say that he was definitely into me.

And so I was in denial... was there something else going on in his life? There had to be a reason, an excuse.... but it really doesn't matter.

I know some people must be wondering why on earth I am so hung up on something which was the flirtation of a month or two, nothing more, and I understand that. I probably would be wondering who on earth is this loony chick too. The reason? Is hope.

It's not the loss of muckraker I'm lamenting because I never had him. It's the loss of hope that is causing me despair.

And I really kind of hate him for making me believe in hope again, and then just as abruptly taking that hope away.

And I don't know how many times I can keep being disappointed before I just give up completely.

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