Sometimes I post prolifically. Sometimes I'm just not in the mood.
The past few weeks have been a "just not in the mood" kind of instance due to a combination of factors... School/New Job/(OLD job!)/lack of dating life/sorting through personal issues.
The sorting through personal issues stems from the class I'm taking at the moment, some of which has to do with eating disorders, and it brought up a whole spate of issues in my own life-- things that I have never really been able to resolve, though I try valiantly (at least, I think so....)
I was recently contacted by someone on okcupid who seemed nice enough, if a bit far away (2 hours.) We started corresponding, but then I forgot to write back to him.
Npapaya asked me how things were going with this guy, and I realized that I'd forgotten to get back to him. (I promptly wrote & apologized.) Npapaya asked me, "Are you really sure you want to be dating?"
She intended it in jest (I think. Maybe.) ... but, thinking about it? I don't know that I do right now.
I'm rather exhausted by the entire thing-- the weeding out the creeps-getting to know you-first date- kinda thing. And I despair at ever finding anyone, and I think to myself, "Why am I wasting so much time on this when I have so many other things going on in my life?"
Is my head in the right place for dating right now? Probably not, especially since I don't feel very good about myself, and that's certainly not an attractive quality in a potential partner. (I try to hide it, but I know it seeps out around the corners...)
So I mentioned to Npapaya that I might give up dating for awhile. Say, 6 months or so.
She raised her eyebrow in that way she does when she thinks I've just said something crazy and she replied, "And what would that look like exactly? How would that be different from what you're doing now?"
Basically all it would involve is not being online/responding to emails.... since really, the last guy I went out on a "first" date with? Was Science guy. And that was back in October. (Yes, there were some dates (and many non-dates) since then.... but really. Think about that. Haven't met a SINGLE NEW DATING PROSPECT IN PERSON SINCE OCTOBER.))
Some of this has to do where we live (ie Nowheresville.) and some of it has to do with my pickiness (ie- must be over 5'8 and be employed in a job that requires a modicum of intelligence.) and some of it has to do with.... well, let's be honest. Me.
Cause the common denominator in all my failed (or non-starter) relationships is ME. Right?
And I'm sorta ok with that, because I know I can be difficult. I recognize that I push people away because I find myself pretty unlovable most of the time. And so those non-starter relationships? That's totally my fault.... I dump people before they have a chance to dump me.
Thinking back on it actually I realize that I rarely am the one that is dumped. (In fact, I can only think of one time-- The IT guy who told me he "Just wasn't that into me" after walking me to my door for a non-kiss.)... I usually am the one high-tailing it out of there before anyone has a chance to get rid of me.
And yes, I'm in therapy and working on my issues.... as Fergie would say, Myself & I got some straightening out to do....
So... do I give up on love in the meantime? I don't know. Would giving up on looking for love look much different from what I'm doing right now? Probably not.