Friday, February 6, 2009

What's the definition of insanity?

Oh yeah... isn't it doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different response?

So here's the deal... I'm probably, most likely, very certainly getting fired let go on Monday. It is what it is... nothing to be done about it... I am understandably more than a little anxious about this.

Muckraker (who has been MIA for the last week basically-- no shock there) shockingly stuck around after class to ask me and a couple other women to coffee. Yes, he extended that invitation to everyone- so no, I'm not reading anything into this as much as I would like to.

The other women weren't able to go so we ended up back in my office. Muckraker was his cagey self (I'm so over it) not telling me where he was going this weekend, simply that he was going out of town. In hindsight this particularly annoys me because when we got on the topic of my imminent firing and he asked how I felt about it, I flippantly replied, "I feel fantastic."

He was very serious and said, "Don't do that. I really want to know. I'm not in the mood for sarcasm today." (To which I should have replied "I'm not in the mood for your super shadiness today!") And so I was honest instead.

After he left though I got annoyed. Annoyed because this is what he always does-- he took control of the conversation. Yes, that's his job, but it really makes the power dynamics unequal. He gets real stuff from me.... and what do I get in exchange? Nothing. And I'm annoyed because I want to know the real stuff, and I'm annoyed because he does it so skillfully that it's not until after the fact that I realize he's done it. Even when I'm on the lookout for it, I miss it.... (and well, it doesn't take much prompting to get me talking... and talking... and talking.)

And so I know I should focus my energies on Science guy, who has continued to be very sweet and attentive and calling me and telling me that he'll look over my resume and cover letter. Science guy really seems to be a great guy.

Muckraker is probably less attractive than Science guy (or about the same), Muckraker is less polite, he's less interested in me, he's not nearly as open, he's ... well, not nearly as nice a guy as Science guy. My friends all like Science guy, and they all think Muckraker is a totally shady schmuck (and I agree.)

But I want Muckraker.

I have to say, this is probably the one time I'm glad that the universe is smarter than I am and not giving me what I want.


SINgleGIRL said...

I think that if something changed and Muckraker were suddenly interested and into you, you'd be over him in a second.
At least that's the way I'd be.

btw, I can't seem to log in with my new site address. Grrr.

Hypatia said...

You're right. I totally know it. If he started being into me I know that all I would be able to see in him are his faults.

However, since he DOESN'T want me all I can seem to think about is how much better he is than I am, and how OF COURSE I'm not good enough for him, and that certainly my inferiority is the reason he's not interested. However, if he were to become interested that would be certain PROOF of his utter idiocy, and that would mean that I would lose interest, because -- after all, would I be interested in an idiot? Of course not. His utter brilliance is proven by the fact that he's not into me.

Yes, I'm a complicated girl with complicated issues... :-p (And yes, I know why I'm single... *sigh*)