I've been discussing Muckraker with my therapist and for once I've decided to take her advice; she thinks I should force the issue and just put myself out there rather than waiting around for him to make a move which will drive me crazy.
He's going to be away for several months so you might think that it wouldn't make any sense for me to try and get some straight answers out of him before he leaves because it won't amount to anything anyways, but that's precisely why I feel like I need to do something. If I don't I'll just keep going around and around in my head, and I'll be left wondering, which is much worse.
Does that make sense? Plus, I figure the few regrets I've had in my life have been due to inaction rather than action. If he says to me, "you're crazy, you've misunderstood everything," well then-- It will be much easier to move on, won't it? It will sting, but it will be vastly easier to say to myself- Well, phooey! I didn't want you anyways.
So, keeping that in mind I decided to ask him to have lunch with me, but he said he wasn't feeling well and would have to take a rain check. (Yes, I could see that he might be saying that if he just didn't want to see me, but I did have classes with him this last week, and he did look like crap.)
Later that day I was walking through the library though and I came across him meeting with students. I was with a friend and we stopped and spoke to him for a few moments. I mentioned I was going to go and pick up papers from a professor's office, and he asked me if I wouldn't mind grabbing his as well.
So I did, and of course I couldn't keep myself from flipping through what he'd written, (which was as beautiful as always. sigh). I handed him the papers while he was with a student, and he asked me if I wouldn't mind staying for a few minutes... So, of course I did.
He came back and he offered me the paper he was going to turn in, which surprised me. I've asked to read things that he's written before and he's never responded in the past, so for him to simply offer it left me a bit speechless.
He asked me what I thought about it, and I told him he knew I liked what he wrote, I always did.
He said he was sorry he wasn't feeling up to lunch, but he'd make a point to get together before he leaves. (Sigh. I'll believe this when it happens.)
So that's that. Something happened? Nothing happened? I'm not sure.
I know I still want him, as ridiculous as that is.