As mentioned in my previous post, I anticipated being laid off, and I was right in that my position was eliminated. I was much luckier than most as I was offered another position (something I hadn't anticipated.) I am CRAZY grateful, but also feeling very sad for all those who are not as fortunate as I am.
But this isn't a blog about all the other stuff in my life, it's about my dating life, right? And my dating life is, well, non-existent right now.
I am a bit sad. As you have noticed we just passed Valentine's day. I've never been one of those people who placed particular importance on a "special" day and so it's not really the fact that I'm single on V-Day that makes me sad, rather it's the milestone aspect of it. It doesn't just represent one day that I'm single, it represents an entire year that I'm (yet again!) single.
And most of the year I embrace my singledom. Am I active in the search of someone? Sure, but I don't feel like my life is meaningless, and it's certainly not on hold, because I don't have someone. But a few times a year... Christmas... V-Day... my Birthday... it suddenly hits home if only because I realize that most people have that one person who makes sure that day is special for them... and, well, I don't. And that makes me lonely.
SINgle Girl had a great post about loneliness this week, and I could really identify with it. She wrote:
"I had another disappointing date. No big deal. I've had dozens of them. Probably hundreds. But I'd been hoping (in the way that slightly crazy people build up hope to an unrealistic degree) that things would go really well and that he would be the one. And then he wasn't. And neither was the guy before him or the guy before him or the guy before him. And I'd been building them all up in my mind as the answer. The thing that was going to make that ache of loneliness inside of me go away.
It's a horrible ache, you know. There are days I just lie in bed at night and try to remember what it was like before I felt this way and I can't. It's been so long that now it feels like it's been there forever."
I don't always feel lonely, but when I do that's what it feels like. And it makes me feel like a failure, because obviously there must be something intrinsically wrong with me for people to recoil the way that they do.
Yes, I recognize that if I really wanted to be with someone I know that I could be, if all that mattered to me was being with someone. But it's not-- I have more self-respect than that and I'd rather be single than to be with someone I'm settling for (and that certainly wouldn't be fair to that person.)
And the crazy build-up to an unrealistic degree? Oh boy do I do that, and boy do I know that's my problem with muckraker, and that's why I have a hard time letting him go in my mind.
Muckraker knew I was going to be laid off because we'd had that conversation. Did he check in at all to see how I was doing? 10 points for you if you said no.
Science guy knew I was going to be laid off because we'd had that conversation. Did he check in at all to see how I was doing? 10 points for you if you said yes.
I know why I've built up Muckraker in my mind (as discussed in previous posts). I keep having hope that the person he portrays in his books-- the sensitive, kind, thoughtful, sharing person is going to suddenly materialize. And every once in awhile I get glimpses of that person, and it's enough to keep me holding on and hoping. Because I get the feeling with him that when he falls, he falls deeply and completely and without reservation. But maybe I'm projecting, because that's the way that I fall, and so I'm perhaps only seeing what I want to see.
And this last week there was a party. And muckraker completely ignored me. And I left feeling like crap, feeling like I was unattractive, and uninteresting, and all together unworthy.
I was listening to one of those obnoxious radio shows a few mornings ago, and the woman who was calling in was talking about her "problem." Her problem was that she was in love with a man who had dumped her many years ago, and then he came back into her life. She left her husband for him, and then this guy left her. She went back to her husband, and now this guy was after her again and she was contemplating leaving her husband again. "He feels like my soulmate," the woman kept saying. "We have such a connection!"
Finally the exasperated radio host said something that really resonated with me.
Would your soulmate treat you like this?
Yes, this is "He's just not that into you" level of obvious, but somehow all of my wishy-washy back and forth came into start clarity.
If Muckraker were at all the one for me, would he be treating me with the disregard he does?
Or would my soulmate treat me... more like... more like... Science guy? (Note: I am not saying I think Science guy is my soulmate (something I'm not sure I believe in), but do I think someone I should be with would treat me more like Science guy? Oh HELL YES.)
And I know that Muckraker's hot-and-cold nature is part of his appeal to me. After all, random reinforcement is the most powerful kind, right? (Hell, that's why I'm so fond of slot machines!) And while Muckraker is not a "bad boy" I know his appeal to me is much the same.... I feel that somehow I could be the one to make him open up. I feel that somehow I could be the one he would be different with.
Madness, I know.
Muckraker makes me feel bad about myself. Rare is the interaction we've had where I don't feel worse about myself afterwards.
Science Guy makes me feel better about myself. Invariably every time I talk to him he's encouraging and thoughtful and he builds up my self-esteem.
So, duh, right? I know the answer, I know what I should do... So why am I so reluctant to do it?
Oh yes, I know why I'm single....