I can tell this is not going to end well...

.... So why am I bothering to go out on a coffee date?

*Sigh* Maybe because it's been since about January, I think, since I've met someone new? (Cause I was kind of obsessed with some fuckwits in between now and then. Let's not revisit that, shall we? Side Note: Muckraker is suddenly emailing again. Shocker.)

Now, call me pessimistic, but there are some warning signs here:

1) This dude is really overly complimentary when it comes to my looks. Like, that's what he focuses on to the exclusion of anything substantive. (And I am NOT that attractive...)

2) He once contacted Npapaya with the same M.O. (Very complimentary... and she IS that attractive... but I digress.) And then he disappeared off the face of the earth.

3) He is rather pushy about wanting me to email him/call him using my real accounts. No Way. Not until I know you're not a crazy stalker... and right now that's looking kinda suspect.

4) He's a kindergarten teacher. (Yes, yes. Call me sexist.... Bad feminist! Bad feminist! But... I find this... peculiar. And, shades of "To Catch a Predator..." But I'm obviously just jaded. Right?)

5) He's a kindergarten teacher... who can't spell/ doesn't know his homonyms. (I don't know which is worse.)

So. You know. Of course I told him I'd go out with him. Because I'm special like that.

Happy Monday!

Anniversary

Oops! I missed my anniversary!

Yes, folks, it was August 19th, 2008 that I started this blog.

I have to say, I thought I'd be much further along than I am. Ouch.

Let's see what the next year will bring, shall we?

If I could sprinkle some magic fairy dust these would be my wishes:

1) Fit into a pair of size 10 pants
2)Sell a screenplay (or 3!) and become wealthy beyond my wildest dreams.
3) Find (& keep!) true love.

Fingers crossed!

I choose my choice! I choose myself.

Last night I went out with a bunch of friends and Muckraker was there. It was suddenly as if a light had gone on (or off?) and as I was looking at him I realized I couldn't remember why I had ever found him attractive. (No, I won't go back into the blog archives to remind myself...!)

There was just-- nothing there. Phew! And more than that, bemusement as to "what on earth was I thinking was there in the first place?"

I think much of this came out of a realization I had over vacation. For the past 8-9 months or so I've been obsessing over muckraker and Science guy... as though I have to somehow choose between them (nevermind whether or not they actively want me/wanted me at various points in time.) As though these were somehow my only two choices EVER. Because if they didn't want me, who would?

And... Duh. This is a false dichotomy. Not only because there are more than those two guys in this world.... but because there's actually a third choice. And that third choice is myself.

And at this point in time? That third choice is a much better option than either of those two.

I'm not stopping my search, but it's good to realize I always have choices. And choosing myself is NOT a consolation prize... it's the GRAND prize. (This is not to say that finding someone awesome wouldn't ALSO be a GRAND prize... but that's the thing-- this isn't a zero-sum game. Both choices are/would be good ones. But it's so easy to get caught up in the dynamic of-- Oh, I HAVE to choose this person, or I'll LOSE by being alone FOREVER. And that's simply wrong.)

Wise Observations

My friend Kay recently sent me this note...


I looked at your blog last night for the first time in quite a while. I
didn't see any particularly new updates about science guy or muckraker,
which might be a good thing.

Last night, when I was reading the stuff you'd written about
him, I suddenly realized how similar he is to an ex of mine from almost five
years ago. English guy who I met right after arriving in Prague. Same snarky
personality, same affected air of mystery, same hot and cold attitude, even
the same propensity to use overly-intimate nicknames. We dated for about 8
months and it was very intense for most of that time, then he broke it off
in a REALLY weird, abrupt and unexplained manner. It bothered me for a long
time, just not understanding what had happened, until I started to see the
pattern.

Since then he sort of appears and disappears (via email mostly - we both
keep switching continents), usually in a harmless, seemingly-friendly way,
but once a year or so with sudden, urgent confessions of how much he misses
me and how he can't believe he let me get away, what terrible timing we (we?
I was there, where was he?) have, etc. There are also revelations about what
he was going through back then that, in retrospect, prevented him from
embracing his feelings, or whatever, etc. He just did this again a few weeks
ago after quite a long hiatus. It's really very disarming.

But there's something intrinsically... off... and conveniently ill-fated
about the whole thing, which is the same vibe I get from the muckraker
stories. Guys like this are more sinister than guys who are just players
because there actually is a connection, and there are brief moments that
seem (or genuinely are - haven't worked that out yet) intensely meaningful
to both parties. Then there's a whole lot of nothing in between after they
run away... Thinking about it, I have half a mind, next year when my ex
inevitably starts sending "maybe the responsible thing would be to contain
my feelings, but..." emails again, to announce my intention to get on a
plane and live happily ever after with him. I'm sure my next email would
bounce and he'd have moved flats out of fear. Sort of the way muckraker came
on so strong and then completely failed to act on it when you made it clear
you were interested too. I don't think they even do it by design - I think
they're just kind of broken. It probably isn't a coincidence that my ex was
significantly older than me, too, just like muckraker. A woman their own age
would probably see through the bullshit.

Anyway, this anecdote is just a long, rambling way of saying that I've just
noticed the parallels between these two situations and you really need to
ignore him until he thinks he's lost his effect on you. Otherwise, he'll
probably keep randomly calling you from Montana, so to speak, for a long
time.

Ok, that's my super-wise observation/advice...



Thanks, Kay! That IS super-wise advice!

And I have to say, my vacation seems to have provided much needed clarity and head-clearing! I can say, very truthfully, I am *SO* over muckraker. But that is another post...!

Apologies

Did I mention I'm on vacation? Probably not. But I am!

Back to semi-regular posting on the 25th... (because I know you're all waiting impatiently by your computers to hear from me! ha!)