First World Problems

I just finished my thesis defense.

Yippee, right? Nothing stands between me and graduation in 2 weeks... (Well, except for my boss who still might not give me the day off. I would quit, but there's that whole little thing about PAYING THE DAMN BILLS. Believe me though, I fantasize about saying, "Take this job and shove it..." precisely for these types of issues. After how much I've given to this job to threaten to not allow me the day off just makes my blood boil."

So, you'd think I'd be happy... right? And yet... no. In fact I haven't been depressed like this in months and months... (Well, not since March to be specific. When I first asked for commencement day off and the refusal spiraled into a whole litany of my failings as an employee...) I've not been hearing back from any of the places I've applied to and one job I particularly had my sights set on it sounds as though-- even though I'm eminently qualified for the entry level position (I just really want to work in that department-- I'm willing to take a pay cut in order to do it.)--- It's unlikely I'll get it... because of various political reasons that are out of my control.

Additionally, I've not heard back about the potential scholarship to Norway/Australia which they were supposed to be deciding on last week. I know I should just be in touch with them, but right now the university in Australia is kind of annoying me... Even though I was accepted in APRIL I still have not received any OFFICIAL letter of acceptance. This makes me doubt the quality of the program if they can't even get their act together to do that!

Anyway... so, right now I'm just feeling really trapped and stuck and I'm about to head into the busiest season at work. The busy season means that for about 3 weeks I won't be able to get away from work AT ALL. Saturdays, Sundays... Working from 8am-11pm every single day. It is GRUELING and just the thought of it makes me want to kill myself.

I think one thing that REALLY stresses me out about this ... really depresses me... is that I'm coming up on my 1 year anniversary of the time that I was unceremoniously plopped into my current position due to restructuring. (Oh, did I mention that 3 people in my office recently got promoted? One of them I trained in? And she got promoted ABOVE me? for the job I trained her for?) For this entire year I've been telling myself- "I'll be off to something better-- something I really LOVE to do!-- before I have to work this hellacious month!

And yet... Here I still am!! :-( The thought makes me cry. In fact, I have been crying. I've been unable to get out of bed for the past 2 days because I'm totally depressed.

Sigh... How do I get un-stuck?!

Smart Guy

Jedi and I were watching TV last night. I made a comment about something that happened on the show.

He didn't answer me so I looked over to find him reading a book.

Exasperated I said, "You can't read a book and watch TV at the same time!"

He looked up, grinned, and said, "Well, that's what we'll tell our future children anyway."

:-P

MIA

Heeeelllllooooo..... interwebs! Is that an echo I hear? Why, yes, it must be rather lonely since my blog has gotten a bit dusty of late!

I have an excuse, I swear! It's that blasted thesis...! Which is now signed, sealed & delivered! All that's left is my defense in a week... and then COMMENCEMENT!

Did I think I'd ever make it? Sometimes no.... But well, here we are! Not necessarily a GOOD thesis, but at this point DONE is better than GOOD... amirite, interweb friends, or amirite?


But, well, that's all boring academic-y type stuff that even *I* have little interest in, so I won't bore you with it.

Let's see... let's get you up to speed on the other boring aspects of my life!

Ha-- have I mentioned that I think that's why Jedi & I are so compatible? We're both really low-key people. Our idea of a great night is having pizza in bed and watching the real housewives of_____[fill in the blank... we're addicted. it's sad, I know.]____

So, while I wish I could tell you exciting, amazing things about what's going on with us, there's not too much to report.

I'm still waiting to hear back about the scholarship to Australia (or, barring that, waiting to hear back on any of the other applications I currently have out!) and Jedi is waiting to hear back about jobs as well.

We had a nice mother's day with his family a few weeks ago. Have I mentioned how much I love my future MIL? She is just the SWEETEST person. We went and painted pottery and went yard-saleing (Where I FOOLISHLY, FOOLISHLY passed up a pottery-barn black leather couch that was on sale for $200. I'm still kicking myself! I went back and put a note on the door of the people who were selling it, but no luck!)

We also had a ----dum dum dum --- parents meeting! We all went out to dinner with his family and my family (minus my real mom who lives across the country and is visiting in a few weeks) and his parents & my dad & stepmom got along fantastically. (Kinda scary actually.... his dad & my dad got along great. They can both be rather difficult personalities, but they were both on their best behaviour that night and are now best buds.)

So, well, all is going along swimmingly, I guess!

I will probably be VERY sporadic in posting until the end of June though, just as a warning, due to a cR8zY work schedule! Grrr! Though, if Jedi & I bite the dust, no fears, you shall hear it here first!

Looking for a date? Lie.

In honor of the fact that this used to be a dating blog...

Why you should lie in your online profiles...

Or so this article says...

For what it's worth, it's true what it says about some things that we think matter (like height) not really mattering once we get to know someone.

If Jedi had ended up in my "match" list on an online site? I would have dismissed him out of hand.

Live and learn!

Fat, so?

So, here's a real controversy for once since most of my topics have been pretty tame lately...

I don't like fat people.

Ok, ok. Hold on before you hit the "NEXT" button on your browser!

When I say I don't like fat people I'm really saying, "I don't like myself as a fat person."

I don't know which school of psychiatry it is that says "what you dislike most in other people is what you dislike most about yourself but are unable to articulate", but that's really what this is.

Don't get me wrong! I have friends who are fat! (Gah! That's kinda like the, "I have nothing against the gays! I have friends who are gay!... even though I just voted for this legislation to strip them of their equal rights" bullshit that politicians pull, isn't it!?) God, does this make me like self-loathing gay republicans who activate against their own interests? I don't know.

When I say that I don't like fat people I am also talking about a judgmental part of myself that I really dislike as well. Yesterday Jedi and I went to see his sister's high school play and one thing I was struck by was how FAT so many of those kids are! Like, shockingly fat! And this one poor girl, her costume didn't fit her at all, and every time she moved around rolls of belly fat were exposed. And I'm ashamed to say that my initial reaction was "Ugh! How gross!" not "Oh, that poor girl! She needs a better fitting costume!"

Don't get me wrong. I AM very ashamed of this reaction. Most especially because I know how it feels. It's the reaction I got MY ENTIRE LIFE from my mom, and my siblings, and the rest of my family (See posts below for more Food and Self-Loathing fun!)

I'm working with my therapist to keep weight and worth from being inextricably linked, but it's hard-- that's the programming I was indoctrinated with.

I'm feeling particularly crummy about myself right now because I have gained weight recently... (So much so that I'll make a cringe-worthy confession-- I took a home pregnancy test to see if that wasn't the reason (Since I'm on BC that skips periods I'm now terrified of ending up on one of those "I didn't know I was pregnant!" shows). And as horrible as it would have been for the results to be positive a small part of me was thinking, "Well, at least if I'm pregnant that means that I'm not just-- ew!-- FAT, yanno!" But no. The results were (thankfully) negative. So, I'm not having a BABY, baby... I'm just, yanno, having... a FOOD baby.) BTW-- Jedi and I were going to go join the gym today, but we got distracted by the ice cream shop on the way there...

I do blame Jedi for some of my recent weight gain. With him in the house I've been buying a lot of things he likes, things that I don't normally get. Chips, cheetos, little debbie cakes, peanut butter and Jelly, pre-packaged over-processed crap-ola type stuff. (Not that he should be eating it either, I suppose) This is because he's "Good" and packs his lunches in the morning, and puts a couple of those treats in there for his lunches. Well, I go to the cafeteria at work most of the time, but I still eat all the crap when I get home too. So, I know this is my "fault" (Even though my therapist doesn't like for me to talk about "fault" where food is concerned. Food is neutral-- it is neither the "good" nor the "bad" that we associate with it, and then associate with OURSELVES when we ingest it. Food is either "Nutritious" or "Not Nutritious." But I sort of digress)...

Part of it is also that Jedi not only doesn't have a problem with my eating, he encourages it. Ok, ok... so, Jedi kind of has a "thing" for chubby girls. I guess that works out well for me, but at the same time I know it's part of the reason that I get complacent when he says, "Wanna get ice cream?" when we've already had ice cream that day.

He really hates it when I call myself fat. It upsets him actually. And while he always says "You're not fat!" ... well, I am. Trust me, dear readers, I am not "Rubenesque" or "Voluptuous" or any other euphemistic phrases that annoy the crap out of me. I say this because I don't want you to think that I'm some 140lb chick who thinks she should lose 20lbs.

(Side note: As I sit here writing this Jedi has just asked, "Do you want me to make you anything to eat?" *sigh* It's lovely that he does so, and it makes me feel loved... but at the same time it does lead me to eat more than I should. Because who in their right mind is going to turn down a sandwich? Yum.)

Part of this issue for me is that my mother always said that I'd never find anyone who would want to be with me if I was fat. Well. Somehow I did. I don't know what to make of that, but I did. So doesn't that mean I should be feeling better about myself? And yet, somehow I'm not.

I know that a big part of the answer is that I need to be kinder to others as a way of being kinder to myself. I know the issues other overweight people struggle with. I KNOW it's not as "easy" as "Just Put the Donut Down!" (And if any trolls say some variation of that in the comments, do trust that you'll be deleted ASAP.) If there was a simple solution, don't you think Oprah would have found it by now? Don't you think some marketer would have packaged and bottled it? I've tried it all-- WW, OA, Atkins, WeighDownWorkshop, Mindful Eating, Anorexia, Bulimia, exercising, etc, etc, etc. It all "worked" to some extent or another... but the problem is ME... not the eating (or not eating) or the food. If it was as easy as taking the weight off that would be one thing. I could get my jaw wired. But even people who have had their stomachs stapled (which is why I've not decided to do this) find ways around that and often regain the weight (or find other addictions.)

I guess most of what I'm saying is not THAT controversial. I mean, I'm a self-hating fat person! What could be more passe than that? But I spend a lot of time thinking about this because #1) I obviously still don't have a good handle on it, and #2) I really don't want to pass this on to any future kids, and #3) it really annoys me when people (thin people, in my experience) DON'T GET IT!

As for #3) I've found that most of those people think this is a matter of willpower... even though studies have shown junk food is as addictive as cocaine. For those people for whom food is not an issue-- well, Great for them! I liken it to people who don't get addicted to cigarettes. Some people aren't predisposed to addiction-- and those that are can avoid cigarettes... but I can't avoid food. Can I avoid just Ice cream? Or Bread? Or XYZ? Sure... for a little while. But in no other addiction are you constantly confronted with the object of your addiction-- ENCOURAGED even to partake... and then vilified when the effects (fattening!) become visible.

Please believe me when I say that being anorexic was easier than trying to eat mindfully. When you're not eating at all you're not confronted with choices. When you don't have to make choices it becomes a lot easier to be in control. With choices every step is a potential misstep. And every misstep is the potential 3-day binge.

I was doing well with my eating up until Jedi moved in. I ate when I was hungry, I didn't when I wasn't. It's not fair to blame him, but I eat more socially and I eat more junk when he's around. I wasn't thrilled with my weight but I had stabilized at size 18 for 2 years. I had accepted myself, come to appreciate myself and find that I was ok there.... Now I've crept to 22 and I'm scared I won't be able to halt the progression, or WORSE won't be able to reverse it. I DO NOT want to fall back into the self-destructive behaviors of the past... but I can't seem to find a healthy way of eating right now. (Who am I kidding, "Right Now." I don't know if I've EVER had a healthy way of eating.) What was working for me was deliberately NOT thinking about food, but with Jedi around offering me food that I mindlessly eat, this is not a good solution.

So what to do? Besides be kinder to others and myself? I'm not sure.