Friday, May 28, 2010

First World Problems

I just finished my thesis defense.

Yippee, right? Nothing stands between me and graduation in 2 weeks... (Well, except for my boss who still might not give me the day off. I would quit, but there's that whole little thing about PAYING THE DAMN BILLS. Believe me though, I fantasize about saying, "Take this job and shove it..." precisely for these types of issues. After how much I've given to this job to threaten to not allow me the day off just makes my blood boil."

So, you'd think I'd be happy... right? And yet... no. In fact I haven't been depressed like this in months and months... (Well, not since March to be specific. When I first asked for commencement day off and the refusal spiraled into a whole litany of my failings as an employee...) I've not been hearing back from any of the places I've applied to and one job I particularly had my sights set on it sounds as though-- even though I'm eminently qualified for the entry level position (I just really want to work in that department-- I'm willing to take a pay cut in order to do it.)--- It's unlikely I'll get it... because of various political reasons that are out of my control.

Additionally, I've not heard back about the potential scholarship to Norway/Australia which they were supposed to be deciding on last week. I know I should just be in touch with them, but right now the university in Australia is kind of annoying me... Even though I was accepted in APRIL I still have not received any OFFICIAL letter of acceptance. This makes me doubt the quality of the program if they can't even get their act together to do that!

Anyway... so, right now I'm just feeling really trapped and stuck and I'm about to head into the busiest season at work. The busy season means that for about 3 weeks I won't be able to get away from work AT ALL. Saturdays, Sundays... Working from 8am-11pm every single day. It is GRUELING and just the thought of it makes me want to kill myself.

I think one thing that REALLY stresses me out about this ... really depresses me... is that I'm coming up on my 1 year anniversary of the time that I was unceremoniously plopped into my current position due to restructuring. (Oh, did I mention that 3 people in my office recently got promoted? One of them I trained in? And she got promoted ABOVE me? for the job I trained her for?) For this entire year I've been telling myself- "I'll be off to something better-- something I really LOVE to do!-- before I have to work this hellacious month!

And yet... Here I still am!! :-( The thought makes me cry. In fact, I have been crying. I've been unable to get out of bed for the past 2 days because I'm totally depressed.

Sigh... How do I get un-stuck?!

2 comments:

mmeperpetua said...

I'm sorry you're feeling so crappy.

Is there anyone senior to you that you can talk to about this? Maybe they don't know that you're not happy where you are? It could be that, because you do your job well, they think you're satisfied.

As for getting unstuck...buy some shoes, maybe? Or a purse? I don't know, accessories always help me feel better. Every once in awhile it's fun to enact stereotypes :)

Hypatia said...

I'm pretty sure that everyone Senior HATES me. (Ok, not THAT bad, but they're not exactly enamoured of me... Those who WERE enamoured of me all left this office. Can you tell there's some level of dysfunction here?)

Hee hee! I DID buy a purse! I found a coach bag (not that I'm a label whore, but I've been wanting one!) in just the style and color i've been wanting for over a year... and I got it at 90% off of $400! NICE, huh? So, that cheered me somewhat.